There is a nameless place, deep in the wilds of Equestria. Far beyond the murky depths of the Forest Ever-Free, it lies, shrouded in half-forgotten myths and whispered legends. Ancient Magyks lie there still, undisturbed. Waiting. Few ponies ever venture here, and those who do.... never return. The forest grows freely there, the canopy allowing the Sun to kiss the ground below. The clouds float lazily in the blue sky above, casting shadows on swaying fields of grass and sunflowers. Many relics of ages long past remain here, rusting and forgotten long ago. The most noticeable landmark in the valley is a mountain. This solitary monolith soars far into the sky, challenging any who see it to try and conquer its heights, to attempt to unlock its secrets. Towers poke from its sides, providing refuge to those lucky enough to reach them. The mountain has no name, much like the land it claims. Many a grim tale surrounds it. When it is mentioned, it is only known as "The Mountain", the name spoken barely above a whisper. "The land is cursed," most ponies say, "It must be. For those who dare to accept the challenge of that lonely mountain never come back." But our tale is not of rumours, barely whispered in darkly lit places. No, our tale is of a mare, and her journey. It began near the fringes of the Forest Ever-Free, in the shadow of the lonely giant.
Trixie Lulamoon had nothing. She had lost her caravan and her reputation in Ponyville the first time she had visited that place. The next, she had lost everything but her star-spangled hat and cloak, passed down from her father. Twice, she had challenged that accursed town. Twice, she had been defeated. And now, crushed and humiliated, the mare once lauded across Equestria as "The Great and Powerful Trixie" sought only to disappear from the view of her fellow ponies. After the Ursa Minor incident, she had been openly ridiculed wherever she had traveled, unable to find work anywhere. The whole "Being-Corrupted-by-an-Ancient-Artifact-of-Doom" thing hadn't helped at all. Instead of ridicule, she had been ignored, treated like she didn't even exist. The cerulean mare would have preferred the ridicule to her being an outcast in all but name. So, she had decided to make it official. She would disappear from her homeland, and travel far beyond the Everfree Forest, where no-pony would dare to follow her. And so, this is how she found herself, deep within the forest. Utterly, hopelessly... lost. Still, the dishonoured mare trotted on, her hooves thudding softly on the dirt floor. As she progressed, she began to notice silver beams of moonlight breaking through the nearly impenetrable canopy of the ancient forest. The trees, which had been old and gnarled, began to look less old and hateful of all that lived. Trixie still felt an immense sense of age from the forest, but none of the thinly-veiled hostility that had been her constant companion from almost day one. Somehow, without ever having been told, Trixie knew that those trees still remembered the sharp bite of axes. However, the tall oaks that now surrounded her emanated an aura of peace, of wonder, of curiosity. Unlike the bent, twisted, and bitter trees of the Everfree Forest, these trees grew tall and proud, stretching ever higher as if to spite the mountain whose shadow they existed under. Ahead, Trixie saw a clearing. She stepped into it, and stood there in awe.
The mountain was huge. It towered higher even than the mountain of Canterlot. It was visible only by the startling lack of stars visible around it. The full moon glowed above the goliath, casting down shimmering beams of liquid silver on the forest canopy, giving everything a ghostly light. The night sky blazed with more stars than Trixie ever knew even existed. It was captivating, absolutely stunning, and undeniably beautiful... and very, very alien. Trixie gulped nervously. In the pit of her stomach, she felt a growing sense of dread. She didn't belong here. A light breeze rustled the branches above, so that they appeared to be talking. Turn back, They said. Leave now, before it's too late.
Trixie wanted to listen, wanted to turn back. Her very being railed against this place, screaming at her to run, to run and never look back. Trixie wanted to turn back, with all of her heart. But where did she have to go? Home, The trees whispered. You could go home.
Home. Whenever she heard that word, Trixie felt a profound sense of loss.
Home. Trixie hadn't had a home since... since... The silvery maned mare felt her eyes begin to burn.
NO. Trixie rubbed away her tears almost as soon as they appeared. She would not allow herself to think about that. Not here. Not now. Not yet. And yet, she could not resist looking at her hat once more. Gently, gingerly, she lifted the battered cap off of her head, as if she were afraid that, at any given moment, it could crumble into dust.
Even after so many years, it still felt wrong to her to call the hat hers. It, along with the cape on her back, had been passed down to her by her father, given to him by his father, passed down from his mother, all the way to the first Lulamoon ever born. 'Wear it with honour,' He'd told her, those long years ago. 'Wear it with pride. You, my daughter, are a Lulamoon. You,' He'd said with utter conviction, pointing a foreleg at her, 'Are going to change the world.' So far, Trixie had done no such thing. Her only magical aptitude lay in illusion, the weakest of magics. So, she had become a magician, wandering the world.
As she reflected on her life, Trixie continued to walk forwards. She was so caught up in her memories that she didn't notice the cliff until she started to fall. And by then, it was too late.
She screamed as she fell, a shrill, ragged yell that was cut short when the unicorns' head connected with a rock. There was a sick crack, and Trixie felt something hot and sticky begin to flow down her head. She tried to get up, but she couldn't see. Everything was getting hazy and starting to swim around. With every passing second, Trixie felt herself growing weaker. Everything was so cold. She fell down again, and this time her limbs refused to respond. Actually, why did she need to get up? The dirt was so.... so comfortable, and she was... so..... tired. Her eyes began to slide closed. So... Sleepy. Yes, sleep. That's what she needed. She'd just go to sleep, and... everything..... would...... be fine......... in... the............... Morning.
Trixie Lulamoon closed her eyes, and knew no more.
Well your story has potential, it's just that this chapter feels really short. Other then that, I didn't notice any spelling or sentence mishaps. I'll reserve a rating for a later date, possibly after a few more chapters.
1427379Fair enough
1427491 *Walks over and hugs you*
I'm so sorry that you've had to suffer a spam bot. Now, TO READING!
Post reading.
I like it, good start, no mistakes that I saw. And DAYM you must be a telepath because you found the quickest way to my heart A Secret Library!
1427771Indeed.
Hmm do not disappoint has potential will track
1435301I aim to please. Next chapter will be a bit of an RE crossover. It'll be bits of Xarens mind telling Trixie of his experience. The closer she gets to the peak, the closer he gets to waking up.
Yo! EternalShadow54 here from Editors Dreamland to look at your fic!
Just a few technical things I noticed.
Part one!
Use a comma if the quote is part of a larger sentence and the sentence continues after the end of the quote. For example:
"I'm going to need some help," he said, and turned to the crowd.
This is a very common usage of quotes, especially at the beginning of a paragraph. The quote is part of a larger sentence, which continues with a "he/she said" tag. A comma is used here because the end of the quote is not the end of the sentence. Now here is a less common example:
"I'd like someone to tell me," he said, "exactly how to fix this problem."
Use a period to end a quote if it is also the end of the sentence containing it. For example:
He said, "I'll check into that."
In this example, the quote ends with a period because it is the end of the larger sentence. Now here is a more complicated example:
Big Mac muttered, "I know something is wrong." He peered deeper inside and pointed. "There it is."
And when the comma is used instead of a period for the extended part of the sentence, the word after quotation is not capitalized unless it is "I" or a name. I know the error wasn't common, but I'm still letting you know ahead of time for future reference.
If I might suggest, could you also put her thoughts between apostrophes to help better indicate the thought from the sentence itself? The italics are good, but if put like such:
'Well,' Trixie thought to herself, 'A good thing about this storm is that I'm clean now. Granted, I'm also completely and utterly soaked, but I can fix that later.'
It comes off a bit clearer to those who might not be able to tell the italics as well.
Generally, its best to NOT to use onomatopoeia (The use of words that sound like their meaning. Like buzz or ding.) if used completely by itself as an action. Perhaps you could incorperate it into a sentence, like:
There was suddenly a click. The dragon popped outward and...
Same here. If you could incorperate it into a sentence, it would present better. Then again, this style isn't necessarily wrong, but isn't exactly viewed as correct among the more technical critics.
Now chapter two!
Well, the only thing I have about this part is the different color text. I would suggest taking it off and making the words the voice say italics or bold, or both. The different color might be hard for certain readers to read, ESPECIALLY yellow.
Now, I've gotta say. Though it's true this is the shortest story I've reviewed, it has the least mistakes from all that I've seen so far in my reviews.
Did I like the fic? Short. Very short. But you do have some aspects of grabbing the readers attention, so you have that going for you here. To make this successful however, I'm foreseeing MANY more chapters if it were to hold some type of story to it.
Would you like to see more? I'd like to know where this is going, yes.
Any advice? Personally, when I start a new paragraph, I push enter twice, just so the read material doesn't seem so much like a wall of text. In books, this style would be correct. Online, it would just be better to do so. Like I said, it's not wrong, but it'll just make the story look neater all together.
Any other mistakes? Nope. Spelling and sentence structure were good. Not much story to go on, but expected because of chapter length.
Personal score? Six. That's just personal, and my scale for stories are... WAY up there. Have a like.
~Signed, the Official Reviewer of Editors Dreamland, EternalShadow54
1783454>>1435301>>1427771>>1427379 Rewrite finished, Chapter 2 coming up sometime soon. Check it out.
I have to admit, I thought this fic died a long time ago. After reading your rewritten first chapter I have to admit, you have turned out a far superior fic the second time around. As for improving on your story, all I can really provide is moral support. Either way keep it up
2079078I need a name for Trixies father. Please Halp meh.
Makes one wonder what the view from the top is like...
2079860You like?
Defenetley a good start. That broken horn must really hurt. Trixie must still be in shock if she only just noticed it.
...Was this changed? I just reread the first chapter and... it feels like something's different than the last time I read it.