- Member Since 22nd Feb, 2024
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
ILVEG-86
Anthro, crossover, clop, violence, adventure, human. these are my things
ILVEG-86
Joined 22nd Feb, 2024 ·
Offline
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Okay, so here's some gentle feedback, as requested!
First of all, you want to make sure you're capitalizing at least the first letter of each chapter title. Now, at times you're also being a bit needlessly wordy and redundant.
Things such as:
Can be shortened to just ''"Right behind you," my friends said.'
You don't even really need the "in unison" piece specifically because you used the plural "friends", so we already understand that they are both responding. At times you're also a little inconsistent. You capitalized "Sun Princess", but not "lunar princess".
But look, aside from these smaller issues, your writing is pretty great for someone who's not a native English speaker. Please keep on writing and slowly improving, because you definitely have potential :)
Can I please have a link then?
oh hey, first Elden Ring Displaced i've came across. Some word of advice? Try to add more words to your chapters. Chapters are meant to tell many things that happen in a span of a day or a week. Also try to avoid info dumps, you can explain each piece of equipment slowly over the course of the story.
I'm just happy to see a Anti-Fall of Equestria Displaced story for a long while.
11912077
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/443582/fallen-order here you go
11912093
Thank you for your advice
Keep it up man can’t wait for the next episode
If you want, I could be the guy that helps you on your writing journey.
Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Warhorse, wartime specialist. As well as history, tactics, and an idealist for grabs.
Since you told me about the caribou and where they're going to attack. I couldn't help but wanting to interfere. And see if you can follow me up on this one: {Inhale}
Your three guy's here are not combat sturdy, but that can be built overtime. They need to save/defend Ponyville at all costs. As they are saving civilians, some join the in the defense. Your guy Clyde needs to organize a defensive strategy by having the civilian volunteers help form a makeshift wooden shield wall. (And to be frank, I don't know anything about Elden Ring or Dark Souls; let alone the weapons armor and skills you use.) Anyways, I would say build a barricade, but feared it was too late to do so. Next, have Peter and Blake use their ability builds to tank out the caribou warparty, so the ponies could rest for a counter offensive. {If you want that} After that, have Clyde use his build to aid Blake and Peter. The rest is up to you man.🇺🇸
11912921
thanks for the help my friend.
big improvement, plus you included alot more words to the chapter, making it satisfying to read.
Just read everything. Think I'll follow.
Yes, want more.
Also glad the Mane 6 are alright and untainted by the caribou.
Question of the day is: What's the plan now?
This is good.
Small complaint you don’t have health pots other than that this is a great story and I’m looking forward to reading more of this and I’m fallowing
11916753
thank you, my friend
11916753
Don't you mean Flasks?
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The reason they don't have any flasks yet, is that they don't know they have an bottomless pouches, or infinite inventory.
Strong start wil read onwards lad
This is getting spicy oh yeah
11917498
Thank you very much.
I know exactly how they feel. And I hope the Mane Six didn't get raped along with the Princesses of Equestria. Also, Twilight knows what a human look like after she got her crown back from the other world, I think unless it's an au.
11926118
dude, go and read all chapters, this story takes place 1 month after the canterlot wedding
I get that they are evil raping bastards, but seriously!?
They just stupidly expose their weak spot, and the rest of their body out in the open?
Without even having any armor, it's far easier to hit, kick, or shoot them where it hurts.
Edit: Don't comment back.
I'm not down giving out my opinions in each sentence I choose.
And it will take a long while to finally get to it.
Good chap am so pumped for some whoop ass son other then that god chap
11926230
It's fixed now mate
Poor Roseluck. But at least she's not violated too much. That's literally the only positive thing I could say at the moment.
Once we take out the outpost, caribou influence will drop, and we'll be able to build a proper army.
P.S. Elden Lord. PM me when you get the chance, I offer you my aid.