Piejacking

Pinkie Pie was happily bouncing down the peaceful roads of Ponyville, a perfectly crafted apple pie balanced upon her head. The party pony’s journey through town was going exactly as she wanted it to, up until a sudden collision put it all on a pause.

“Ouches! Sorry about that, it’s surprisingly hard to see where you’re going when you have a pie bouncing off your face.” Pinkie apologized.

“Ah don’t worry ‘bout it none sugar cube, I should be watchin’ my surroundings.” A voice laced with a southern accent responded.

“Applejack! Just the pony I was.. looking for?” Pinkie quickly became confused when she say who it was she tripped over.

“Oh my, is my accent that good?” Fluttershy blushed at the unintentional compliment. “I’ve been practicing for the Pony Tones’ country album.”

“Hiya Fluttershy! Have you seen Applejack around? I need to get this pie to her A.S.A.P.P, as soon as pinkie possible!”

“Oh, sorry, I can’t say I have.. I can help you look for her though, if you’d like.” Fluttershy offered her services.

“Thanks Fluttershy! This is why you’re my favorite pony with a butterfly on her butt!”

“Thank you?”

With a new pony in her party, Pinkie and the newly recruited Fluttershy continued the trek through Ponyville to the far off land of their friend’s house/literal barn.

A sudden twitch in Fluttershy’s ear alerted to the incoming sound of some sort of anguished bird. “Oh my! What poor creature is in need of my aid? Where for art thou my clipped angel, allow me to- THAT’S NOT AN ANGEL THAT’S NOT AN ANGEL!” Fluttershy scrambled in a panic as a massive eagle-type creature was rapidly swooping in from above to scoop her up.

“Hm? What’s wrong Fluttersh- oh hey look at that pretty birdie!”

The two mares were swiftly grabbed within the bird’s talon and lifted several hundreds feet into the air, the bird seemingly already knowing where it wants to bring them.

“Hey there Mr. Featherpants! You wouldn’t happen to know where Applejack is, do you? She really needs this pie!” Pinkie Pie yelled over the sound of the harsh winds.

The monstrous avian released a mighty caw that shook the snow off mountains and blew away any and all surrounding clouds.

“What’d he say?” Pinkie turned to Fluttershy.

“I don’t think I’m allowed to repeat that.”

“Sheesh, who laid in his nest?”

The feathered beast soared through the air. Crossing counties, kingdoms, and oceans until finally coming to its resting point. It landed upon the top of a gargantuan mountain, dropping the ponies into a proportionally sized nest before flying off to collect more unwilling passengers.

“Wow! Look at the size of these bad boys, bet I could make exactly 5,921,480 cakes with these!” Pinkie sprung to her hooves to inspect the giant eggs that decorated the nest.

“Um, P-Pinkie. I don’t think you s-should get near those..” Fluttershy quivered.

“Fluttershy you worry too much sometimes, it’s not like-“

A newly born hatchling breached from within the egg and immediately devoured Pinkie in a single move.

“Eep!” Fluttershy squeaked. “Y-you spit her out right this instant! Or.. or I’m telling mommy!”

The wretched newborn turned its back to Fluttershy and flopped over with all the grace of a hot dog.

“Wha- well I never! I’ll have you know I am a very respected pony where I come from, especially with talking animals only I can hear, and never in all my years have I met such a rude, disrespectful, downright v-“

A smaller-but-still-much-larger-than-average-sized egg was suddenly dropped in front of Fluttershy. She simply stared in bewilderment until a faint noise came from within.

“Hello? Am I at Sweet Apple Acres yet?”

“Pinkie?! Is that you in there?”

“Oh hey Fluttershy! I didn’t know you could fly so fast! Hey do you see Applejack anywhere out there?”

“Hmm, how do I say this, um, we’re still in the nest.”

“Ugh, so not cool! Definitely not giving this guy five stars.” Pinkie huffed.

Just then Fluttershy’s ear twitched just as before, the familiar noise coming in closer and closer.

“Oh for hoofness sake!” Fluttershy panicked as she tried to think of a way out. Without thinking, she hauled the Pinkie-trapping egg onto her back and jumped out the nest, plunging herself into the air. Channeling any and all strength she could find into her wings, she kept both her and Pinkie afloat in the air. For all of four seconds. At the five second mark the two were rapidly approaching the ocean below, where they’d most certainly be lost to the waves forever.

“LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN” Fluttershy rapidly knocked on the egg as she clung to its side.

Pinkie Pie politely opened the egg and invited in her winged friend. “I thought you’d never ask, it was getting lonely in here.”

The egg crashed into the water, bobbing to the surface where it wobbily floated. Pinkie lifted the top off of the egg and observed the vast ocean surrounding them.

“Hey Fluttershy, how good are you at rowing?”

“It’s better than my knitting but worse than my tambourine playing.”

“Then we should be back to Ponyville by Hearth’s Warming!”

_______________________________________________

“Hey Twi, have you seen Applejack around?”

“Hm? Why do you ask, Rainbow Dash?” Twilight tilted her head up from her book. “Also how’d you get in my house?”

“Basement. And she said she was gonna time my lap around the whole town today.”

“Truth be told I haven’t seen her today, did you try checking Sweet Apple Acres?”

“…ooooooooohhh yeah, I’ll tell ya that girl is always hanging out there.”

“Probably because she lives there.”

“I doubt it. Anyway, see you later!”

“Wait!” Twilight stopped Rainbow before she could bolt off. “Do you think you can help me with something real quick?”

“Oh, sure thing! I do everything quick! Ex-except that one.. thing… anyway what is it?”

“I’ve just got this one spell I’ve gotta try out and it only works on ponies with a blue coat.”

“Sounds sick, what’s it do?”

“I dunno.” Twilight charged her horn and precisely aimed it at Rainbow Dash. A beam of purplish light shot out and wrapped around Rainbow, before flashing brightly and leaving an empty mark where it once was.

“Hm. That’s what it does.” Twilight said matter-of-factly before jotting down a couple quick notes.

_______________________________________________

A flash of light appeared in the Carousel Boutique before quickly dimming, leaving Rainbow Dash in its spot.

“Oh hey Rarity.”

“Ugh, Rainbow dear what have I said about coming through my basement?” Rarity groaned as she set her stitching materials down.

“Hey it wasn’t my fault, Twilight used a spell that only works on ponies with blue coats and it tele-“

“Uh huh, yeah, sure, now do tell me, what is it that you want?”

“I was just about to head off to find Applejack at that bar she hangouts at.”

“You mean her house?”

“No I don’t think I do. Anyway, see you later!”

“Hold on Rainbow darling! If you’re off to meet with Applejack could you be a dear and bring this dress to her? She ordered it moons ago and I just so happened to finish it today. Oop, hold on.” Rarity ran one more needle through a thread. “There we go, now I’m done!”

“Sure thing Rares, though I’ll admit I never took AJ as the frilly, puffy, elaborate, garish, attention seeking, heavy-“

“Are you just gonna keep going?”

“-silly, pretentious, expensive, despera-”

“Thank you dear now good bye!” Rarity shoved the boxed dress into Rainbow’s arms and levitated her out the door. “Phew, now I am can get back to finishing up this design for the-“

“Rarity!! Have you seen Rainbow Dash?” Twilight Sparkle asked as she suddenly appeared in a flash of white, per usual.

Rarity clenched her teeth on the pencil in her mouth before taking in a deep breath. “Why yes darling! In fact she was just here looking for Applejack. I’m afraid you just missed her as she left for Sweet Apple Acres.”

“Aw horsefeathers! C’mon, come help me find her!” Twilight entrapped Rarity with her magic and dragged her out the boutique.

“Actually darling I was quite busy with an order an-“

“DEAR CELESTIA SHE HAS A BOMB!” Twilight pointed up at the sight of Rainbow flying through the air with a large box on her back.

“Oh no no no dear, that’s just a dress Applejack ordered from me. I simply asked Rainbow to deliver it.”

“Nope. Applejack doesn’t wear dresses, only hats. Surely some nefarious villain has tricked Rainbow Dash into transporting a deadly weapon across Ponyville. We have to go warn her!”

“B-but dresses..”

Twilight’s horn glowed brightly and the two were suddenly fifty feet in the air, tailing behind Rainbow Dash among the clouds. With the sprout of her wings Twilight held Rarity in magic and caught up with Rainbow.

“Rainbow! Rainbow Dash! You need to give me that box now!” Twilight called.

“Huh? Twilight? I thought you weren’t making that cardboard particle accelerator anymore.” Rainbow raised an eyebrow.

“No! There’s a bomb in there!”

“What?! But Rarity said this was a dress for Applejack!”

“It is! You saw me put it in there!” Rarity confirmed.

“But think about it Rainbow, since when does Applejack buy dresses?” Twilight pointed out.

“That is a good point… Rarity why’d you give me a bomb!?” Rainbow yelled in betrayal.

“Wha- puh- I did no such thing! It’s a dress! A dress I say!”

“Well whatever it is it’s freaking me out! Here Twilight, you take it!” Rainbow threw the box onto Twilight’s back. The sudden shift in weight threw Twilight out of concentration, causing her to accidentally release Rarity from her magic.

“Wuh oh.” Twilight said as Rarity rapidly plunged to Ponyville below. “Quick Rainbow! Do something!”

“Don’t worry, I do everything quick! N-not that one.. thing… though…… hold on Rarity!” Rainbow shot down like a bullet, closing the gap between her and Rarity in mere seconds. Rainbow caught up to Rarity and was about to grab hold of her before hesitating for a second. “Hey, why did you give me a bomb?”

“Ugh, we’ve been over this darling, it was a DRESS! Do you really believe I’d put you in such danger?”

“I’d sooner believe you’d give me a bomb than believe Applejack bought clothes.”

“She makes a good point.” Twilight commented as she also caught up to the two.

“Can we please discuss this after we all stop plunging to our dooms?” Rarity pleaded.

“Sure, we can discuss this when we find the real Rarity, CHANGELING!” Rainbow Dash accused.

“WHAT?!” Rarity shrieked, mere moments away from crashing into the dirt below.

The three continued their downward spiral, both literally and mentally, until they were only inches away from impact. They got closer, and closer, and closer, until…

_______________________________________________

“Pinkie! I see land!” Fluttershy cheered as the visage of Equestria entered their vision.

“Is it Hearth’s Warming already?” Pinkie sprung up.

The two furiously rowed until their egg-boat reached the shore of Equestria. Returning to solid ground, the two scanned the vast patch of land they washed up on.

“So… which way is Ponyville?” Fluttershy asked.

“I’ll check!” Pinkie dropped her nose to the ground, taking in all the scents of the area. She suddenly pointed straight forward, her nose at a definite point. “Over there!” She proclaimed.

Fluttershy looked where Pinkie pointed and saw nothing but the same faint green grass she was currently surrounded by for miles. “Um….. how far over there?”

“Hmm, I think maybe four days by foot? But we have hooves so only about sixteen hours.” Pinkie smiled.

Fluttershy internally sighed, taking the first step of another staggering journey. The two ponies hiked through all matters of tundra and storm, whether through heat and rain their valor did not wain. It may have taken many a sleepless night but soon enough familiar terrain began to reveal itself.

“Fluttershy.. look!” Pinkie took labored breaths. With a weak raising of her hoof, she pointed to the distinct Manehatten skyline in the distance.

With renewed confidence, Pinkie and Fluttershy pushed themselves more than ever towards the bustling city.

“Come on.. almost there.. almost there.. almost th- ow!” Fluttershy walked directly into the side of a skyscraper. “Oh. We’re there.”

“Woo-hoo! That means only seven more hours till Ponyville!” Pinkie jumped excitedly.

“Or we could just take a cab.” Fluttershy said, hiding the annoyance she felt.

“Fiiiiine, I guess I’ll partake in the automotive industry today.. but you’ll have to pay the tab, I left my wallet in the egg.” Pinkie begrudgingly agreed.

Fluttershy stretched out her wing and called down a cab.

“Where ya gals goin’ to?” The cab driver asked as he screeched his cart to a halt.

“Ponyville or bust baby!” Pinkie hopped into the cart.

“From here to Ponyville? That’ll cost ya’ y’know.”

“It’s alright, I guess the rent can wait until next month.” Fluttershy sat next to Pinkie.

As they settled in their seats the driver revved his hooves and sped off.

“Hey Pinkie, um, I was just wondering, why do you need to get this pie to Applejack so bad?” Fluttershy asked as their carriage road along.

“Oh, you mean this pie?” Pinkie pulled the baked good out of her hair. “Well it’s very simple actually, you see-“

“Alright ladies we’re here.” The taxi pony came to a halt.

“Oh! Come on Fluttershy, we’ve got a pie to deliver!” Pinkie hopped out the cart.

“Bu- I- you- we…” Fluttershy sighed.

Pinkie bounced through Ponyville with a severely-poorer-Fluttershy trailing close behind, on the look out for the fabled hat donning farm pony. The two arrived to town square, no Applejack in sight.

“Ooooohh where could that pony be?” Pinkie groaned.

Fluttershy’s ear twitched a familiar twitch, sending a paralyzing fear down her spine. She hesitantly tilted her head back, anticipating any and all horrors from above that were waiting for her. Her fears were quickly dismissed when she saw what was actually heading her way.

“Oh. Hi Rainbow Da-“

A thunderous crash was felt through the town, a large crater left at the zone of impact. All five ponies were left in a mangled, conjoined pile.

“Hi girls! Have any of you seen Applejack around?” Pinkie poked out of the pile.

“If only.” Rarity groaned.

“Don’t let her trick you Pinkie! ‘Rarity’ here is trying to blow up Applejack!” Rainbow warned.

Pinkie gasped dramatically.

“Why would you do that Rarity?” Fluttershy asked politely.

“I am so over this.” The fashionista deadpanned.

“That’s it, time to put an end to this!” Twilight announced as she began another spell. In a flash all five ponies (boxes and pies included) were teleported to the outskirts of the Changeling hive.

“Oh come on!” Fluttershy groaned, now being over 831 hoofsteps away from Ponyville.

“Come on girls!” Twilight led the march directly to Chrysalis’ door.

“Oh hey Princess Twilig- AGH!” Changeling Guard #229,407 greeted before being bucked through the hive door.

“Queen Chrysalis!” Twilight shouted as she stood strongly at the center of the hive.

“Ugh.. wha-what do you want?” Chrysalis grunted as she walked out her throne room, rubbing her eyes awake.

“Mind explaining this?” Twilight picked up Rarity and levitated her in front of the queen. Rarity greeted her with an awkward wave.

“Uhh… I think that’s your clothes making friend. Ratty, or something.”

“That’s what you’d like us to think! Reveal yourself, Changeling!” Twilight pulled on Rarity.

“Ow! Ow! Twilight watch the curls!”

“Dude are you ok should I like, call someone?” Chrysalis watched Twilight’s attack with unease.

“You get her Twilight!” Rainbow called.

“Yeah! Yeah! Don’t let her get away!” Pinkie jumped up and down.

Twilight continued to pull and shake Rarity. “Wow that’s- thats some strong magic huh? W-Well anyway, you get the idea. Now tell us where the real Rarity is!” She threatened.

“Hey like no offense but uh..” Chrysalis yawned. “I really got no clue what you’re on about.”

“You.. you, didn’t, send a changeling Rarity to trick Rainbow Dash into delivering a bomb to Applejack?” Twilight raised an eyebrow.

“Uhhhhhh no, no, I didn’t. It is a good idea though I’ll admit.”

“…huh.”

Everyone stood around in silence for a couple seconds.

Suddenly the giant avian creature crashed its head through the roof of the hive, looking to grab any creature it can.

“WHAT IN CELESTIA’S NAME IS THAT?!” Chrysalis shrieked.

“Hiya Mr. Birdy!” Pinkie waved happily.

“Well you guys look like you got this covered so we’re just gonna…” Twilight zipped off, leading the other ponies behind her. The sound of horrified Changelings echoing around them as they escaped the hive.

“Nice call Fluttershy, where’d you find a bird like that?” Rainbow bumped the yellow coated pony on the shoulder.

“Oh that wasn’t-“

“AHEM! Is there anything you’d all wish to say to me?” Rarity interjected.

“You should totally try dying your mane.” Rainbow blurted out.

Twilight hit her on the side. “That’s not what she meant.” She whispered yelled.

“Oh, right. Sorry for accusing you of being a shapeshifting terrorist.” Rainbow apologized.

“Thank you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a dress to deliver to Applejack.” Rarity stuck her nose up and walked off with the box carrying Applejack’s dress.

“What a coinky-dink! I have a pie to deliver to Applejack!” Pinkie Pie hopped next to Rarity.

And so for the last time that day, all ponies involved journeyed to Sweet Apple Acres, putting a rest to this delivery dilemma. Rarity walked up to the barn house’s front door and politely knocked three times.

“Hiya Rarity! What’re you doing he-“

Pinkie Pie had answered the door. Everypony had gone stone cold, slowly turning their heads to the Pinkie with the pie.

“I’m seeing double! Four Pinkie Pies!” Rainbow said in shock.

The pie delivering Pinkie darted her eyes around awkwardly before being engulfed in a green flame. “You’ll never take me alive!” The changeling had revealed itself. It tore the crust off the pie, revealing a bomb underneath, and flew off with a dastardly buzz.

The girls were left scrambling, tossing the ‘pie’ to one another in a frantic panic until it eventually entered the real Pinkie’s hooves. She fumbled with it for a bit before shoving it down her mouth. They all looked at her for a bit, almost anticipating something to happen. Before long it had all gone silent.

Rarity cleared her throat. “Mhm. Well then. I have this package here for Appleja-“

A loud pop was heard from within Pinkie as she suddenly flew back, crashing into some cabinets in the kitchen.

“Excuse me. Continue.” Pinkie apologized as she regrouped with the girls, her hair a little singed at the tip.

“I have this package here for Applejack, it’s the dress she ordered.” Rarity explained.

“Okie-dokie! HEY APPLEJACK! MAIL’S HERE!!” Pinkie screamed.

“Howdy girls! Did I miss anythi-“

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Author's Note:

This utter nonsense was written out of pure frustration as I struggled with a bigger (slightly more seriously taken) story. If you liked it I’m sorry. Also, april fools!!!

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