A thousand years ago, a long-forgotten disaster wracked Equestria, rendering its surface inhospitable to all but the most foolhardy of creatures. In the millennia since, the once unified and prosperous races and societies have devolved into fractured and competing tribes and factions, all trying to carve out their own piece of the Underworld for themselves.
Aspirant Twilight Sparkle is desperate for a chance to make a name for herself -- to become a full fledged Pathfinder, which would finally allow her to be free from the limits of Charlie Compound permanently. And if she manages to discover something that no other pony in the Erudite Enclave has, she'll be set for life.
However, in her quest for discovery, she may come across more than she bargained for. Unlikely allies, unforeseen enemies, and heretofore untold truths of the Underworld itself.
Unbeknownst to her, though -- that may be exactly what she's looking for. After all, the depths of discovery knows no bounds.
Combative D. N. 😑
I like it so far.
Grammar:
Or some other way to phrase that, otherwise the two sentences are disjoint.
This sentence implies her feeling is what fell asleep, and I am not sure whether this is a mistake, or just wordplay.
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We will remember combative D.N for his great sacrifice...
Anyways, other two things have been hopefully remedied. Appreciate the feedback.
Thanks.
I wonder if Fluttershy not “feeling” anything from an illusion sets her up for delayed realization when she meets a real fish… Or if it really is just fish’s stupidity.
Edit Suggestions:
^also has a weird straight quote, among other instances of such, although I wouldn’t have noticed had I not been staring at the sentence with the focus of a person developing random obsessions at 3 a.m.
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Remedied.
Also, about the fish's feelings. It's an illusion, isn't it? :)
I think saying that he was cut off by Twilight is quite redundant, only the -- followed by dialogue is enough to interpret that
Now, I ain't no smile terminology expert but I don't think it fits the context. I would personally use something more akin to a grin
Double ii
You could use calls here
The parenthesis explanation is a bit redundant
This whole scene rubs me the wrong way. Like, we establish that they are close friends for some years already, so it doesn't make sense that they hadn't have this argument before, as it is literally their main goals opposed. And if they did, it really shouldn't get this heated this time. I would personally make it more of an agressive banter between the two, each throwing little quips at each other that don't really affect them that much, as they would be long over it at this point(Otherwise they would've stopped being friends long time ago).
Also Twilight should probably already know that Corn College indeed exists, so you could rephrase that sentence something more akin to "Twilight can't still believe Corn College is a thing, or that her friend chose to spend four years of her limited life in it"
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Changed up everything here a little bit, but can you elaborate what 'calls' are? I genuinely don't know.
Also, about the whole 'heated this time', I was intending it to be more like an especially bad and emotional moment for twilight. The way she's acting during the argument is completely out of her norm, and that's on purpose. I tried to make that a bit more visible with the changes
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I meant the verb "call", should've used quotation. Sorry for that
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ah now i feel dumb LOL i thought you were talking about some sort of writing thing and i was like 😐
I think this comes up as a little brunt. By how Jack is treated the entire chapter, this can be inferred.
Capitalization.
I don't know much about grammar, but I think the time here is incorrect. Like it should be "Twilight was about to respond.", if I'm right.
Now, I don't really mind this, but it rustles a lot of people's jimmies if you don't use 'horse language'. By that I mean, using "Get to her hooves" instead of "get to her feet."
Swearing feels so out of character for Twilight, even in bad events. Even in other parts of the story, swearing really isn't needed as most of the time it doesn't really fit the narrator and the vibe of the story.
This scene keeps jumping between Twilight's perspective and Jack's perspective. While I think that you can jump perspectives between scenes just fine, maybe you should stick to one in one scene, as it is a little jarring.
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remedied some of these things, but will try to explain some stuff
1. I wanted to specifically elaborate on what the hovel were/how they're treated because you could easily make the thought that Jack is treated the way she is because she's a prisoner, or just something about her in specific. it's a systematic thing.
2. 'was' is probably correct, but its a writing preference really. some other fics use past tense like 'said' 'was', but i prefer 'says', 'is', etc in most cases.
3. i'm well aware of horse language stuff, but i personally see 'get to your feet' and the similar usages as more of a general thing. people use that saying for things that dont even have feet or legs IRL. it's more related to the act of standing up/getting upright rather than actually having feet.
4. it may be a bit jarring, but the narration/thoughts isn't meant to stick with only one character most of the time. If the perspective was only on twilight's thoughts for example, and not switching, instead of having something like
It would instead be something like
I believe I attempted to make the switches hopefully coherent though, with stuff like "Jack thinks to herself." or "Twilight hears noises outside. "
thanks again for the feedback. Please don't hold back on the future chapters if you decide to do them as well; there's definitely a few parts that might stick out.
Also, if you have any comments on larger things that aren't easily fixable (like entire plot points/or concepts), please lmk aswell. I plan to rewrite this story in the future once i get a better idea of where it's going and am better at writing in general.
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About your first point, yes, I get what you are trying to get across, but the way you stated it is just... too factual. It's not in the Enclave's perspective or Twilight's, or even Jack's for that matter. Just stating the fact when you could do something more interesting. Like, for example, later you say something like "If Twilight was looking at just the prisoner's face, she probably could've been fooled into thinking they were a normal pony and not a Hovel.", and I think that wonderfully relies almost the same message that hovels are supposed to be dehumanized but in a subtler, more fun way. What I'm trying to say is, you've got an interesting piece of lore, so try to expose it in an interesting way too, instead of just saying it by the by.
Second point, I get it. I don't really dig the present tense thing, but I can bear with it. But what I mean is that that action I was describing happened BEFORE another that happens immediately afterwards. In a past tense story you would use past perfect, and in this case, just plain past. Yet again, I always struggled with grammar so maybe I ain't seeing the whole picture.
Third point, yes, I know. But some people on this website are really picky about it. Sometimes it helps to avoid the hastle by just going along with them. Yet again, it's up to you.
Fourth point, there is really nothing wrong with the second quote. For me, it makes the reader think more (Why did she hesitate?) and you could either choose to answer by something subtle like (Twilight catches Jack glancing at her knife and pausing for a few seconds, appearing to be cautios and hesitant about something). Sometimes it's better to leave it up the reader instead of just explaining everything. I still think the changes are too jarring, but maybe you could make it work. Imma see how they work up ahead (if they appear again, that is). In this scene though, the chaos of combat plus that makes it way too confusing, at least on my opinion.
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Changed up a bit of wording here and there, had to chop out some of the expositions about the hovels themselves, maybe can insert it somewhere later down the line
about the pony-talk stuff again, i occasionally refer to other stories for how they use their words/wordplay, and nobody seems to mind over there for most of it. shouldn't be a problem, hopefully.
The quotation.
That allegedly at the end comes off a little awkward. Maybe add something like who alleges that it works, and what Fluttershy thinks about it.
You could expand more on her attack, as it feels a little short here. After all, she's just seen the remains of a pony for the first time in her peaceful life.
There's a weird space in this line. Might be a FimFiction problem though.
How did he contact the guy in the first place? The guy ends up coming at the end of the chapter, but they never interacted once. Were they supposed to meet beforehand or something?
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changed the stuff. reworked the skull scene to be one of a show of naivety
Capitalization
thought*
I don't think Twilight would think of it as "conditioning", unless she is hyper aware of what the Enclave is doing, which doesn't seem to be the case. She would probably state it as a fact, like "Hovels are supposed be less than dirt, and yet she can't help but see Jack as a fellow". Also, the use of "Living, breathing pony." Makes it sound like the Enclave says Earthens aren't actually alive, which I don't think is the case.
I think it's abit of a stretch Twilight would figure this out. She'd probably be frustrated over why she doesn't want to work together even if its rational thing to do, and wouldn't look at the emotional reasons
Capitalization
I think you missed a question mark here? It may not be necessary, though.
Missing quotation mark
Capitalization
When someone says something so Eruditophobic that you have to hit them with that Pathfinder stare
I don't think you have to explain it that directly. If feels better when the reader realizes it by himself instead of it being explained to them (atleast on my experience).
Capitalization (Is pocket supposed to be capitalized? It was earlier)
I think we're moving a little too fast. I don't buy that it only took two nights and a near death experience to undo a lifetime of Enclave indoctrination. Or in Jack's case, to forget all those years terrorised by the Enclave, even if Twilight didn't do anything to her personally. Maybe after explaining eachother's point they could be at an amid point, where they not try to kill each other but do not like to be in eachother's company since they are blatant contradiction to everything they've been taught.
wisened*
Finally, some good fucking food 🍽
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My personal problem with non-horse language is that I usually try to imagine the scenes in the book, and «She gets to her feet» flies right into that imagination with the speed of an alien medical robot hell-bent on performing non-consensual hoof replacement surgery… On a good day it will just fly by as I squint at it, but still, jimmies ruffled)
This is less of a problem when it really is used metaphorically, but here it refers to an actual physical action.
Kind of like saying that about a person with no legs metaphorically might simply be impolite, but saying “He fell over, but quickly got to his feet and started advancing on me” to describe the actions of a psychopath in a wheelchair that just righted it is jarring and harder to understand, even though you can technically say that, because the context is that of physical action, and the subject is adjacent to those that might have literally gotten to their feet in this situation.
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i dont see it as 'non horse-language' really, its more like just my personal view that some terms don't need to be horsified
somepony, everypony, stuff like that are all the basics that everyone agrees on
but once you start getting into stuff like 'get to your hooves', that seems more like warping basic language for no reason. Like, how far does it go? Are we going to have to start measuring in 'hooves' instead of feet? There has to be a line somewhere.
although i will say that the way you specifically worded it does make it sound a bit worse. like in pony context, i would agree that 'she gets to her feet' sounds way worse than 'getting to her feet,' in my opinion, so that might just require more careful wording/phrasing on my part
but on that same token, there are some words which i pony-ize that other authors dont. alot of them use words like 'pointed' which sounds strange to me. i prefer saying stuff like 'hooved' and whatnot.
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remedied everything basic here
about the pocket stuff uhhh media.discordapp.net/attachments/585329331488817174/1225283171910811670/e55727e5373b66a4a89a5f3243264181.png?ex=662090e0&is=660e1be0&hm=27ad3d4d5cdea1f509b01090e0bcf720cafa3b14cb023ad0706c75f32dfd8da3&=&format=webp&quality=lossless
honestly i'm not sure whether i wanna capitalize it or not (same with hovel lol) but for now ill capitalize them both
anyways:
YEAHHH I knew this would come up eventually. Even though I admit that they definitely became buddy-buddy a bit too fast (due to inadequate planning on my part) considering their lifetimes/experiences of indoctrination and whatnot, and that's something that will definitely be addressed in the rewrite (obviously cant fix it now), my logic is that once the two realized the other isnt like what they thought the entire time, they were much more open to mellowing out, which then allowed the discussions to take place.
That and surviving a few near-death experiences helps.
Edit Suggestions:
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Changed both a bit
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“and getting confirmed that they are” is still grammatically incorrect. A fact can be confirmed, but an object can only be “confirmed as”, so you can say “and getting it confirmed that they are”, where ‘it’ is the fact ‘that they are…’, or “and getting confirmed as the ponies they claim to be”, but not “and getting confirmed that they are” because in this case the ponies are the ones being confirmed, and the fact “that they are…” has been illegally arrested and sentenced to hanging… from the end of the sentence.
PS: I now realize that “confirmed as” is just a specific case of “subject confirmed adjective”, where “as” is almost replaceable with “equal to”, so it’s not just “confirmed as”, but the above is still mostly correct.
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added the it. personally i think it rolls better without it but w/e
I am in the process of reading this. I will respond to as soon as I can.
This is very subjective, but it's very unsettling to see Trixie refer to herself with only one adjective...
I think Trixie fully believed this was a coin, so you maybe you should just say coin instead of 'something'. Also, 'something' makes it really predictable what's going to happen next.
When I quote it it doesn't appear for some reason, but there is a missing space here.
If she can feel it, it ain't so unconscious no more, is it?
We're rich! 🍺
I think you should clarify what this 'tower' is. If it's something akin to a tall stool, that makes sense. If it's a tower how I'm picturing it right now, what the hell are they feeding Trixie?
Maybe you could make it a little subtler, like "Shooting them a this point would just be a waste", because I don't really feel like someone that sells ponies for a living would have this much of a change of heart. Or maybe he could just laugh it off, that would make sense in his current characterization.
I always love me some Trixie shenangenry.
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remedied and clarified.
the 'tower' was basically meant to be some sort of large rickety platform yes, but there may be more to Trixie, as well...
also, the 'change of heart' thing will make sense later
To anyone who cares about the cancellation, see my blogs.
Doesn't appear here, but there is a missing space.
Gustavo looking ass clerk
Just heard about the cancellation. Do you still want me to post my commentary or should I just quit it? I'll probably read the rest either way so it's up to you if you want to be buggered with my opinions.
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Remedied.
LMAO I didn't even think of it like that, hilarious.
And about the cancellation, yeah. You can post the rest of your commentary if you want.
Don't think of it like being 'buggered', i enjoy your feedback and it has also been very helpful.
Feels a little dry. A little quip from Trixie could be added.
Shouldn't he sell even more tomatoes since he's making more sales?
Another faction? Don't get me wrong, having a lot of factions can work, but my main problem with your approach is that they pop out of thin air. We had no mention of the Judicar whatsoever before they came guns blazing into the tavern. This also happened with the other factions like the outlaws (the place where Pinkie and Trixie were at the start of their part) and the Gaia cult.
Another problem I have related to this is that the story doesn't feel like one world at all. It feels like Twilight's section has a totally different setting, plot and characters than Pinkie's section. I haven't yet seen both share something that isn't that they are underground. And while I know they were intendend to connect later on the story, they should have already have at least a little something connecting them, because right now, we are esentially reading two totally different stories in two different worlds that will eventually crossover, instead of one happening in the same world.
Anyways, Trixie was such a treat this chapter. I love your interpretation of her
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The comment about how they shouldeve gone up to the mountain was meant to be like trixie rubbing it in
labor costs of cleaning the tomatoes vs the money gained from selling them hmmm
okay. this is a bit of a doozy and a bit to unpack here
I believe its more natural for some factions to just appear. in this world, people already know about some things, so it wouldn't make sense to randomly be expositing about some faction which has existed for 100s of years or something if its meant to be common knowledge. having them appear abruptly can either be a shock/surprise thing (As for the order, or just a nonchalant thing (as for the outlaws which arent really a faction and more like a type of ppl but still)
as for the 'two different stories' thing. yeahhh i know they feel a bit like that, and one of the main reasons i dropped the story is cause i couldnt think of a coherent way to make them refernece/detail/eventually combine later. the main idea i did this format is to show radically different POVs and perspectives of the world the characters live in. i didn't do the best job of making them feel like they're in the same world, mainly because i didnt do the best job at actually creating any unique or noticeable worldbuilding.
i hopefully improved both of these aspects in my new story, but ill let you be the judge of that if you decide to get to it.
Weren't expeditions supposed to have one Aspirant with them?
Twilight took them directly into the hands of the Enclave boogeyponies, lied to them, and they just sit in different corners and turn away? I don't really buy it. It's not like they are buddies-buddies, either. They've known eachother for what, two months tops? And this is also their first mission either, so no sense of cammarederie too. I'd expect a LOT more resistance.
Twilight's team entrance into the story came too out of a sudden. I really thought they were going to be fodder as their introduction was really passing. At least that expedition walk fleshed them out a little and made me at least be able to tell each other apart, but really, you could have probably gave them a grander introduction last chapter. Also, like I said in the last paragraph, they feel too buddy-buddy for how much they've been acquaintances. Maybe you could have Twilight mention them in the things she has done since the SPAC incident, or them to be one of previous' Twilight friends that became Pathfinders.
Raven would know it ain't an Enclave transponder. Maybe she could think something more akin to "It is far more advanced than any other Enclave trasnponder."
The lesson to be learned here? Never mess with a chiropractor.
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Obligatory problems/pot-holes/poor decision making led to new story and cancellation bzt bzt 🤖🤖🤖🤖🤖🤖
Anyways
Expeditions need an Aspirant OR a full Pathfinder. An expedition made entirely up of Pathfinders would be moot.
You're right. Flitter should've bashed Twilight's head open with a rock, and then the rest of the story is her on the run from the law before being shot dead in an out-house in Flordia.
Jokes aside, yeah. They haven't known each other long, and were definitely pissed that Twilight did everything wrong, but they weren't interested in rotting in the cage either. Any plan was better than none.
I was honestly just rushing through plot point to plot point while writing this, so this a skill issue on my part.
Remedied.
Very true.
That would be the rational thing, sure. All I'm saying is, people tend to be emotional and petty. If I were in his poistion, I would certainly want nothing to do with her anymore, lest she drags me into deeper shit. She betrayed me, and the Enclave, so why would I need to hear about one of her "plans" anymore? Then again, the two of them could be very level-headed and already somewhat disalusioned with the Enclave, and in that case that part would make sense.
My god, they are getting more accurate by the minute!
Anyways, don't have much to say about this chapter so I'm going to point out something that bothers me but might not be a problem at all: The multiple question marks. Using multiple is fine, I guess, but try using them sparingly. Multiple question marks, for me, come off as playful and not serious, so when they are not used in that context, they really throw me off. Either way, I liked this chapter in general.
Sorry for the excruciatingly slow pace at which I'm reading, I'll try to get over the last chapter before the weekend.
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duly noted.
dw. there's no rush. fact that you're doing it at all is enough 😊