distortedtruth92
Joined 7th Jul, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This looks good, but I can tell its already looking rushed. slow it down and have fun with it.
VinylJack?
AppleScratch?
1405323 Thanks ill keep that in mind
1405367 ive never seen it before so i thought id give it a try
A Unique pairing alright, but try to slow the pace down a little bit, work on ambient descriptions to immerse your readers. I know that writing around your story and not the story itself can be hard, my own stories had the same problem.
Still I liked the part about AJ having to buy her own cider at an inflated price. Thats Capitalism for you AJ
That's certainly not a pairing you see too often. I think I'll fav to track this story.
Your grammar is fairly perfect, no complaints there. But your writing is still... amateur. It's not terrible but it's... not great. Chin up though, with practice and experience you'll get better. I'm still looking forward to reading more of this!
Note: An easy way to get better at writing is simply to read more. See what other people do right and wrong.
1432177>>1432481 thanks for the feedback guys. i'll take your advice to heart
The Apples seem a bit ooc, but the chapter was ok
1491342they are a bit but im taking a few liberties seeing as its in the futures. sorry if it bothers you
I like it. It isn't a standard ship but nothing odd. Small notice.
"Vinyl rolled over and tried to sleep. It took her a while, but, when sleep finally took her, she dreamed of and orange earth pony with a blonde mane."
It should be 'she dreamed of an orange earth pony' not and. Still nothing else jumped out at me. nice job.
Good on taking liberties. Sure they seems a little OoC but it fits the story. Applebloom would be a bit more headstrong, like her family, as she got older. If you were waken up early by your sibling while having your special someone in your bed you would be a little upset too. Nice job on taking it slow. Nothing jumped out at me in terms of spelling. Me gusta
1492482 thanks. fixed
*bows* Most welcome.
1492991 love the prof pic btw
Hehe Ty. It may become my brand if I do well in Youtube.
Hey is anyone who reads this any good at drawing. if so would you mind drawing cover art. the only picture i have ever found of vinyl and aj in the same pic is them sucking a penis. or if you know someone that could do it that would be great. 1493020>>1491342>>1432481>>1432177>>1405367
I will give it my best. I need practice so letting you know.
1496061 thanks ill check it out hen youre done just pm me the pic
There's one thing I saw that lacked a lot.
Actually, two.
One, as Fox-Sama said, it is rushed. Part of the reason for that is because of your lack of description and emotion. You have plenty of dialogue and action. For example:
Insead, try:
By the way, if you need an editor, just say the word, either through this comments section, or through PM.
1572863 hell yes i need an editor
Never thought I would see Applejack and Vinyl Scratch...well done.
Signed,
Ambrosia M. Firehoof
I ship Rarijack like my life depends on it, BUUUUT I can make room Vinyl Scratch befriending AJ and more. I like this pair, but don't rush it.