• Member Since 23rd Jan, 2020
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Likes commenting. also, not everything HAS to make sense... why? well, what fun is there in making sense?


This story is a sequel to Forest of Beginnings and Endings

Once, a terribly long time ago, there was a kingdom full of Alicorns.
This kingdom controlled an entire quarter of the planet Therria.
The other three fourths feared it.
At the very center of this kingdom was the capitol, Deovardin.
Ruling over this kingdom was a single blood lineage that spanned tens of thousands of years.
Every prince and king, of this family had a first name and a family name.
A family name that was feared throughout the entire planet.


The Core Stories of Long Before: Book Two.

Im not writing this for Likes, or views, or comments.

Im writing this for me. Im doing this because I want to. And if other people do or don't like this story? Thats on them.

-Something i said to a helpful commenter who shall forever be named here as Lost_Data.

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 84 )

Thanks. :twilightsmile:

Can i ask what you like about it?

Tis, heartwarming. The Prince is learning new things after being cooped up his whole life, similar to Twilight Sparkle really. Writing this made me see the confections between these two. Though, work on transitions and pacing would help the story a bit.

Comment posted by RandomCommentor deleted September 4th

Yea. Forget that deleted comment

Anyway, yea im kinda bad at pacing, but im trying to get better. This is only technically my first story.

Not too bad I say. Can't speak too much have even written my own.

I dont really have a specific schedule for posting, but i have the idea that each chapters “Plot focus” is linked to its chapter name. Like, in Emotions, we see Aerlan angry, and Ventian kinda being a lump of new feelings that he isnt used to.

Ventian really isnt used to being lied to, at all. So hearing that Aerlan lied to him so effortlessly…

Well, im not going to spoil the future, but know that its gonna build to something.

They have made into town. From the author's note I think you, misunderstood what I meant by transition. To clarify I mean how you end a scene. Let's take an example.

The two of them then enter their respective sleeping pouches, and proceed to rest.

This is a bit of rush from one transition to then next as the last thing that was said was

“Yeah, he asked me to call him by name. Not to mention its probably a smart move going into town. Don't want to cause too much unnecessary attention.” He says with a serious look on his face.

In most standard conversation someone reply something like, "I guess that makes sense," or "Didn't even think about that," or "Seems reasonable, do you think we should tells the others not to call him prince while in town?".

In other words, the conversation should continued on for a little longer, a better to end the scene would be,

Levah made a face contemplating what Livar had told her.

"Didn't think about that," Levah responded. "Though now that I think about that, I guess I should have. Going everywhere calling him 'The Prince' and 'Your Majesty' would make him quite noticeable. We should tell the others to refer to him by his name."

"My thoughts exactly," Livar stated. "Though we will have to do so in the morning. It is a bit late."

Levah let out a yawn.

"I guess you're right. See you in the morning." Livar watched as his sister, who was already in her sleeping pouch, closed her eyes and started to drift to sleep.

Livar, of whom was also tired, decided best he do same, and quickly entered his pouch.

"Good night, Levah," Livar whispered. Just as quickly as his sister, he quickly left the realm of consciousness."

Also, when using I to refer to one's self, be it in dialogue or conjunction, remember to capitalize.

Thanks, ill get started on correcting that.

Ill try not to copy what you did exactly, but rather take it into account when editing.

You could also reread word somethings to be able to make the text easier to read.

Looking up at the town entrance, Ventian sees text reading ‘Adifoll’ in big letters above the doorway that was embedded in the wall that seemed to circle the entire town, letting people in and out if the guards behind the gate allowed it.

A bit wordy and hard to read innit?

First off this sentence is a run-on sentence, or in other words it is a sentence that could and probably should be separated into other sentences. Second, instead of saying 'town entrance' you could say 'town gate', as this implies that there is a wall around the town, that requires there to be a gate to enter or leave the town. Third, it is clear from later in the text, that ponies only coming in or going out if the guards allowed it is important, so let's make that the focus of its own sentence.

I suggest you change to say something similar to:

After a short walk, the 5 ponies had reached the town gates. Ventian notices the giant stone letters adorning the top of the gate that read 'Adifoll'. Casting his sight downward Ventian, sees many travelers and caravans are being stopped by the guards before they can enter or leave the city.

Note, that from earlier in the text it is implied that Ventian is trusting and naïve, and having never been stopped by a gate toll before wouldn't know why the guards are stopping the travelers and caravans.

Edit: I added the explanation.

Yea, my phone(what I write with) autocorrects everything, shows me grammatical errors and even adds apostrophes to words like we’re and they’re.

But it doesn't capitalize i in sentences unless. I is the first letter in a sentence.

Comment posted by RandomCommentor deleted September 6th
Comment posted by RandomCommentor deleted September 7th

Gold and Silver bit bags, the mythrils i don't think I'm going to use… out of food, but im not willing to eat grass. Ventian shudders at the thought. ive got the VoidRock and my project with me… wait, why did i bring that? Did… was i just thinking about it and- WAIT!

Eyes widening in realization, he thinks back to what his father said before he left.

Father told me to only bring replaceable items! Does… does that mean he wanted to take my Void project from me? But why? He didn't even know it was possible to- oh no. He lied about that too, didn't he?

Again, capitalize the I's when their by themselves or in a conjugation if the separation of the conjunction leaves you with a singular I. Though enough with punctuation. This scene is a bit unbelievable to me, and here's why:

  1. Ventian was previously implied to be very trusting and more than a little naïve, so while he might be a little betrayed the his father lied to him, from his previous characterization, I don't think he would immediately question all of his father's words, though some of them most certainly. There is no way he would jump to being that paranoid.
  2. Due to Ventian's naivety and trusting nature, I do not think that he would make the connection of the voidmaterial being irreplaceable thing that should stay in his room. Not to mention it was previously stated that the voidmaterial could be found only near the capital, if I remember correctly, so while he might realize that it might not be the best idea to take the voidmaterial with him, he still wouldn't realize that his father would want it. So, while he might figure out that his father would wants his research, as something like that Ventian would find irreplaceable, and he is questioning his father at the moment, the jump to voidmaterial is a bit much.

Yea youre right. Lemme just remove that rq-

Edit: going through and correcting all my “i” is going to take a while. I might miss a few so feel free to keep pointing them out.

I just realised, the chapter thats gone through the most edits is literally called “Changes”


Most of them can be summed up with add explanation here, and capitalization there, that place needs a bit more detail to perform a smoother transition, things like that.

Also, all the I's that I have found.

“Actually, i apologized. And Ventian accepted it, and even offered to be friends.” Levar replies with the same tone and a slight smile on his face.

“I don't see why not,” Livar answers honestly “he is… not what I originally thought. Anyways, I'm going to tell the group to stop calling him prince in the morning. Goodnight Leva.” Livar’s voice becomes quieter as he talks, until he falls asleep.

Not an I but the H in He

Looking up at the sky, Ventian makes note of something that crossed his mind a few days ago. He and i both get up pretty early in the morning… is it because he needs to cast whatever spell he was casting around the camp the other day? I wonder what spell it is…

This Stone of Cleaning I brought with me should help. it might not be a very sanitary replacement for a bath, as it doesn't get rid of germs, but it makes me feel cleaner.

Also an explanation of what a "Stone of Cleaning" is and does would help in the previous paragraph.

Looking up at the sky, Ventian makes note of something that crossed his mind a few days ago. He andi both get up pretty early in the morning… is it because he needs to cast whatever spell he was casting around the camp the other day? I wonder what spell it is…

“Um… maybe? Spirits are unpredictable most of the time. And its just a random thought i had. Physical based detection spell? I know a few of those, but not very well. Only in practice.” Quickly dismissing the topic so Ventian doesn't have to think more on those two, he moves towards the road and waits for the others to wake up.

Vedaria then nods her head, “Yes, i agree. As long as Ventian is alright with us calling him by name?” As she finishes, she looks at the prince.

Livar’s expression becomes that of confusion. “Um… no? Its a Physical based detection spell, so i think Mega-based life form would stay undetected. Why? Do you think there are spirits in this forest?”

I'll list more in my next comment.

‘Adifoll.’ That must be the name of the town she mentioned. I've only ever seen the capitol, i wonder what the town looks like.

Also forgot an apostrophe, in I've.

The griffin moves away from the desk after nodding and saying “thanks” in a surprisingly deep voice. He glances at the group for a moment before moving towards the stairs leading up to the rooms.

I do believe that single words in quotation marks are capitalized, though they might not have punctuation.

That is all I could find.

I could go back and give advice in previous chapters if you want.

I like the changes made, I certainly makes the story flow better. Another thing I would suggest is remove things that would be redundant or implied in the next line. Ex:

Livar smiles and replies, “Yeah, I've been here before so I know what places you might like. Cmon.” He finishes, jerking his head in a ‘follow me’ motion. Ventian does so, and they both go to exit the hotel while the last two mares watch them leave.

Stating that 'Ventian does so' is redundant, as it would be implied in the next line. It would be better to give a gesture or word of affirmation, preferably both, as such things are given showing that a person is listening. Such things include nodding his head or saying "Alright," or "Lead the Way".

Edit: Added clarification.

Ventian tilts his head a bit at this. One hundred and twenty-five? There's no way there's that many rooms here, and all the numbers are in order so it cant be random- ohhh that makes sense. It must be that the one means floor one!

  1. Apostrophe's in 'There's' and 'there's'.
  2. The second 'there's' should be 'there are', as the number of rooms in plural and saying the same word twice makes it harder to read.
  3. Ventian is naïve, despite being logical. Let's be honest, he's much similar to a child when it come to the world. I'd think that he would ask out load why their rooms were in the hundreds.

“Yea, I mean, look around, see how many people are buying and selling? This place could run itself if the mayor-“ cutting herself off, she shakes her head while saying, “nevermind.”

Ventian looks around him at all the little shops that he wouldn't have seen if he stayed in Deovardin. There were food salespeople, shops selling jewelry and clothes, ponies walking from building to building going about their day. Not much attention is given to the group, just some glances from strangers.

Good thing I've never been one for expensive clothing or wearing gems. I once saw an alicorn fail to take off due to wearing too much gold. Ventian chuckles at the memory.

Most of this is actually written very well. However some tweaks can be made.

“Yea, I mean, look around, see how many people are buying and selling? This place could run itself if the mayor-“ cutting herself off, she shakes her head while saying, “nevermind.”

Ventian was previously shown to be inquisitive, he would push the matter. Whether or not he get's an answer would change depending on how you want to characterize Vedaria.

Good thing I've never been one for expensive clothing or wearing gems. I once saw an alicorn fail to take off due to wearing too much gold. Ventian chuckles at the memory.

This paragraph should connect to the previous one, i.e. should give a reason for why the less attention is better, e.g. it is uncomfortable. Afterward it can say something like 'Not to mention' to connect to the joke.

The rest I'd have to say are just too petty to go over. So I think this is good. :ajsmug:

Decided to add some more detail to the new chapter I posted, so I unposted it.

Will do some things. Ventian says some words. Rose is a changeling. Nothing to worry about.

Edit: yay more information! Also, should i add the changeling tag to this?

Edit2, changeling bugaloo: Rose is a bug. Ventian doesn't care, he only wants to ask questions. No suspicion, only information.

I promise he will get bit in the ass by his own naivety at some point.

Wait, how is that a promise? Thats not a good thing at all…

Yea, posted it, then decided to unpost it to add detail after a minute.



Comment posted by RandomCommentor deleted September 11th

I fixed it, confusion averted. Sorry about that.

Anyway, what do you think about the two new chapters?

“Darnit. Its not working. Why is it not working? *Put exclamation here* She must not be available right now. Ill call later.” She deactivates the stone and places it back in her mane, where a hidden bag is stored to keep the stone secret.

Just a suggestion, but most would put a exclamation or curse of some kind when they realize they can't contact someone. Something like drat or, darn, for goodness sakes, things of that nature.

I did. Darnit is the first thing she says lol.

Im saying no on that one, anything else for me?

I meant in the middle. Like most people would go if their phone couldn't call someone:
"Darn it! Come on! Come on! Come on! Drat! They must not be online!"
You know like that.

I usually never curse irl, so I really wouldn't know. Sorry, but when I do curse or use another expletive, I usually say it before whatever I wanted to actually say, and only once per conversation.

I dont really complain much, if at all.


I would continue to defend my point but:


If your answer is no then it is no.

Ventian frowns. “That wasn't proper grammar. You should have said ‘the place we are going to is good at making them.’”

You capitalize the t in 'The place' I believe.

I see no writing mistakes or plot holes in this one, lacking detail in some areas, but all well and good all in all. Cheers!:ajsmug:

Thanks. Your previous advice helped a lot!

Also, what little detail there was in Questions, maybe Answers with its 3k words will fix that.

Seriously, Questions was just a way to set up Ventian discovering Rose was a changeling. Im not even gonna deny that its basically filler up until the part where he basically sees her shapeshift.

“Wait, he knows? Knows wha- oh. Oh no.” Vedaria, after Rose tells her that Ventian knows now, is now wide eyed.

This whole section is implied, and thus unnecessary and redundant.

“Well, maybe he has the idea that he wasn't betrayed because he you never gave the indication of it being otherwise. He also doesn't blame you because he may know its in your nature as you are… what you are.” Vedaria finishes explaining.

The prince- no. Ventian isn't what I thought at first. Understanding, I expected, but this level of ‘I don't care what you are as long as you're my friend’ is just… Why?! Does he not have any suspicion whatsoever that we may be lying to or manipulating him in some way? Does he really trust us that much? It may get him killed!

Again he's naïve and trusting. This is not a critique, it is just dramatic irony and I find it wonderful. Cheers!:ajsmug:

Well, of course! He has always been in a safe position for his entire life up until now! No reason to be distrusting of anyone.

Although, that isn't to forget he has also dealt with some negativity. He has the potential to kill his father, not like he would consider such a thing. Not even if, for example, Cyvern were to show up and tell him about how Aerlan massacred an entire village without so much as a thought of doubt.

Not like that could happen…

“If you were, you wouldn't have asked me that question.” Ventian replies confidently.

Flawless logic. Both literally, and sarcastically, and jokingly. But really this logic is sound.

I felt that I nailed that scene. Had some doubt, but I felt that I got it right.

Not to mention my grin squared joke. Thats funny too, right?

“Why do you even have that many pillows?!” Ventian yells at the unicorn mare currently assaulting them with what seemed to be a comical amount of pillows.

“Fuck you, thats why!” Said mare responds, continuing to bash her brother and the prince with pillows, when suddenly, all the pillows stop as an orange aura overtakes Leva’s magus.


I tried my best to increase the humor, to get the feeling of camaraderie that is usually found within friendship.

I feel ive done so correctly.

Livar just stares and nods. “Okay, thats understandable.”

Look he gets it!:rainbowlaugh: But really he might need a dictionary sooner or later.:rainbowwild:

He understood what was said. Barely.

Livar just frowns, looks at the chessboard, and frowns some more. So much frown that its almost physically impossible. Frown3, even.

Oh, frown cubed! I get the joke now.

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