This story is a sequel to Forest of Beginnings and Endings
Once, a terribly long time ago, there was a kingdom full of Alicorns.
This kingdom controlled an entire quarter of the planet Therria.
The other three fourths feared it.
At the very center of this kingdom was the capitol, Deovardin.
Ruling over this kingdom was a single blood lineage that spanned tens of thousands of years.
Every prince and king, of this family had a first name and a family name.
A family name that was feared throughout the entire planet.
Deoniyas.
The Core Stories of Long Before: Book Two.
Im not writing this for Likes, or views, or comments.
Im writing this for me. Im doing this because I want to. And if other people do or don't like this story? Thats on them.
-Something i said to a helpful commenter who shall forever be named here as Lost_Data.
I like it.
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Thanks.
Can i ask what you like about it?
11685057
Tis, heartwarming. The Prince is learning new things after being cooped up his whole life, similar to Twilight Sparkle really. Writing this made me see the confections between these two. Though, work on transitions and pacing would help the story a bit.
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Yea. Forget that deleted comment
Anyway, yea im kinda bad at pacing, but im trying to get better. This is only technically my first story.
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Not too bad I say. Can't speak too much have even written my own.
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I dont really have a specific schedule for posting, but i have the idea that each chapters “Plot focus” is linked to its chapter name. Like, in Emotions, we see Aerlan angry, and Ventian kinda being a lump of new feelings that he isnt used to.
Ventian really isnt used to being lied to, at all. So hearing that Aerlan lied to him so effortlessly…
Well, im not going to spoil the future, but know that its gonna build to something.
They have made into town. From the author's note I think you, misunderstood what I meant by transition. To clarify I mean how you end a scene. Let's take an example.
This is a bit of rush from one transition to then next as the last thing that was said was
In most standard conversation someone reply something like, "I guess that makes sense," or "Didn't even think about that," or "Seems reasonable, do you think we should tells the others not to call him prince while in town?".
In other words, the conversation should continued on for a little longer, a better to end the scene would be,
Also, when using I to refer to one's self, be it in dialogue or conjunction, remember to capitalize.
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Thanks, ill get started on correcting that.
Ill try not to copy what you did exactly, but rather take it into account when editing.
You could also reread word somethings to be able to make the text easier to read.
A bit wordy and hard to read innit?
First off this sentence is a run-on sentence, or in other words it is a sentence that could and probably should be separated into other sentences. Second, instead of saying 'town entrance' you could say 'town gate', as this implies that there is a wall around the town, that requires there to be a gate to enter or leave the town. Third, it is clear from later in the text, that ponies only coming in or going out if the guards allowed it is important, so let's make that the focus of its own sentence.
I suggest you change to say something similar to:
Note, that from earlier in the text it is implied that Ventian is trusting and naïve, and having never been stopped by a gate toll before wouldn't know why the guards are stopping the travelers and caravans.
Edit: I added the explanation.
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Yea, my phone(what I write with) autocorrects everything, shows me grammatical errors and even adds apostrophes to words like we’re and they’re.
But it doesn't capitalize i in sentences unless. I is the first letter in a sentence.
Again, capitalize the I's when their by themselves or in a conjugation if the separation of the conjunction leaves you with a singular I. Though enough with punctuation. This scene is a bit unbelievable to me, and here's why:
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Yea youre right. Lemme just remove that rq-
Edit: going through and correcting all my “i” is going to take a while. I might miss a few so feel free to keep pointing them out.
I just realised, the chapter thats gone through the most edits is literally called “Changes”
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Most of them can be summed up with add explanation here, and capitalization there, that place needs a bit more detail to perform a smoother transition, things like that.
Also, all the I's that I have found.
Not an I but the H in He
Also an explanation of what a "Stone of Cleaning" is and does would help in the previous paragraph.
I'll list more in my next comment.
Also forgot an apostrophe, in I've.
I do believe that single words in quotation marks are capitalized, though they might not have punctuation.
That is all I could find.
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I could go back and give advice in previous chapters if you want.
I like the changes made, I certainly makes the story flow better. Another thing I would suggest is remove things that would be redundant or implied in the next line. Ex:
Stating that 'Ventian does so' is redundant, as it would be implied in the next line. It would be better to give a gesture or word of affirmation, preferably both, as such things are given showing that a person is listening. Such things include nodding his head or saying "Alright," or "Lead the Way".
Edit: Added clarification.
Most of this is actually written very well. However some tweaks can be made.
Ventian was previously shown to be inquisitive, he would push the matter. Whether or not he get's an answer would change depending on how you want to characterize Vedaria.
This paragraph should connect to the previous one, i.e. should give a reason for why the less attention is better, e.g. it is uncomfortable. Afterward it can say something like 'Not to mention' to connect to the joke.
The rest I'd have to say are just too petty to go over. So I think this is good.
Decided to add some more detail to the new chapter I posted, so I unposted it.
Will do some things. Ventian says some words. Rose is a changeling. Nothing to worry about.
Edit: yay more information! Also, should i add the changeling tag to this?
Edit2, changeling bugaloo: Rose is a bug. Ventian doesn't care, he only wants to ask questions. No suspicion, only information.
I promise he will get bit in the ass by his own naivety at some point.
Wait, how is that a promise? Thats not a good thing at all…
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Chapter 6?
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Yea, posted it, then decided to unpost it to add detail after a minute.
OH SHITP
Edit: WHOOPS, MISCOUNTED.
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I fixed it, confusion averted. Sorry about that.
Anyway, what do you think about the two new chapters?
Just a suggestion, but most would put a exclamation or curse of some kind when they realize they can't contact someone. Something like drat or, darn, for goodness sakes, things of that nature.
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I did. Darnit is the first thing she says lol.
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Im saying no on that one, anything else for me?
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I meant in the middle. Like most people would go if their phone couldn't call someone:
"Darn it! Come on! Come on! Come on! Drat! They must not be online!"
You know like that.
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I usually never curse irl, so I really wouldn't know. Sorry, but when I do curse or use another expletive, I usually say it before whatever I wanted to actually say, and only once per conversation.
I dont really complain much, if at all.
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I would continue to defend my point but:
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If your answer is no then it is no.
You capitalize the t in 'The place' I believe.
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That has now been corrected.
I see no writing mistakes or plot holes in this one, lacking detail in some areas, but all well and good all in all. Cheers!
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Thanks. Your previous advice helped a lot!
Also, what little detail there was in Questions, maybe Answers with its 3k words will fix that.
Seriously, Questions was just a way to set up Ventian discovering Rose was a changeling. Im not even gonna deny that its basically filler up until the part where he basically sees her shapeshift.
This whole section is implied, and thus unnecessary and redundant.
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Oh yea, youre right lol
Fixed it.
Again he's naïve and trusting. This is not a critique, it is just dramatic irony and I find it wonderful. Cheers!
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Well, of course! He has always been in a safe position for his entire life up until now! No reason to be distrusting of anyone.
Although, that isn't to forget he has also dealt with some negativity. He has the potential to kill his father, not like he would consider such a thing. Not even if, for example, Cyvern were to show up and tell him about how Aerlan massacred an entire village without so much as a thought of doubt.
Not like that could happen…
Flawless logic. Both literally, and sarcastically, and jokingly. But really this logic is sound.
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I felt that I nailed that scene. Had some doubt, but I felt that I got it right.
Not to mention my grin squared joke. Thats funny too, right?
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I tried my best to increase the humor, to get the feeling of camaraderie that is usually found within friendship.
I feel ive done so correctly.
Look he gets it!
But really he might need a dictionary sooner or later.
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He understood what was said. Barely.
Oh, frown cubed! I get the joke now.