Focus: Livar
After leaving Ventian’s tent, Livar walks to his own tent where his sister is waiting for him.
“So, what did you have to say to the prince?” She asks in a hushed tone as others are trying to sleep.
“Actually, i apologized. And Ventian accepted it, and even offered to be friends.” Levar replies with the same tone and a slight smile on his face.
Leva seems surprised. “Wait, did you just call him…?”
“Yeah, he asked me to call him by name. Not to mention its probably a smart move going into town. Dont want to cause too much unnecessary attention.” He says with a serious look on his face.
Leva stares at Livar in thought. “Yea, I didn't think of that. Is he really okay with that though?”
“I don't see why not.” Livar answers honestly “He is… not what I originally thought. Anyways, I'm going to tell the group to stop calling him prince in the morning. Goodnight Leva.” Livar’s voice becomes quieter as he talks, until he falls asleep.
Leva’s eyes close as she recedes further into her sleeping bag as she yawns “‘Night.”
Focus Swap: Ventian
As Ventian wakes up, he sees that its still dark outside. Huh. Guess I woke up early, he thinks to himself as he gets up quietly and opens his bag to check the contents.
Gold and Silver bit bags, the mythrils I don't think I'm going to use… out of food, but I'm not willing to eat grass. Ventian shudders at the thought. I've got the VoidRock and my project with me… wait, why did I bring that? Did… was I just thinking about it and decide to bring it with? I dunno, maybe it could be useful.
As his thoughts continue, he hears something coming from the forest. “hey look, is that a camp? Lets go check it out.”
Moving silently, Ventian opens the tent door ever so slightly in an attempt to see who is out there.
As his eye moves across the tiny view slot he made, he spots someone unfamiliar.
What… is that a pony or a deer? Maybe a hybrid? I see antlers but his stature is that of a pony, who is that? And who was he talking to-
Eyes widening a bit, he sees someone else with a foxlike appearance and multiple tails come out of the forest next to the new pony. Oh shit, thats a kitsune. What is a kitsune doing HERE?!
The kitsune speaks quietly to the other pony. “Hmm… three tents. Not what we are looking for. And none of them have the Arventine on them. Lets move on, they went by here, im sure.”
’Arventine?’ What is that? What are they looking for? Ventian then retreats from his position, quietly closing the tent doors zipper as to not alert them.
Of course, he forgot to take into account that kitsune ears are very sensitive. “Huh? I think someone here is awake. Lets go.” Both of them then dart back into the forest.
After several minutes pass, Ventian begins to think about what just happened. What. The hell. Was that?! I… I don't think it matters. I mean, I've never seen a kitsune before, but who was that other… Im kind of reluctant to say that he, and I'm sure it was a he, was a pony. He seemed like one, but those horns weren't a pony feature. They didn't look like a dragons horns, more like a deers, but also not.
Ventian softly sighs to himself before admitting that, whatever the case, it doesn't matter. He just wants to rest again. Im kind of getting tired of thinking about all these things that I cant do anything about!
Falling asleep, Ventian tries to forget about the two unknown people that were just there.
As Ventian opens his eyes, he sees daylight filtering through his tent. Getting up, he grabs a gemstone from his bag with his telekinesis and channels magic into it.
This Stone of Cleaning I brought with me should help. it might not be a very sanitary replacement for a bath, as it doesn't get rid of germs, but it makes me feel cleaner.
With that done, he exits the tent with his bag in his aura. As he walks out, he sees that nobody else is awake yet so he walks towards the designated waste spot that was established when they made camp the previous day.
Finishing his business, he walks back over to his tent and hears someone else waking up. Sounds like Livar. He really does get up early, doesn't he?
Looking up at the sky, Ventian makes note of something that crossed his mind a few days ago. He and i both get up pretty early in the morning… is it because he needs to cast whatever spell he was casting around the camp the other day? I wonder what spell it is…
Ventian walks back to his tent and ponders a question that surprisingly scared him a little. How long am I going to stay with these people? They seem friendly enough, I get along well with Leva and Rose, but they all call me ‘Prince.’ I know thats who I am, but is it really who I want to be? No. I want to be Ventian, the friendly nerd thats willing to share things that nobody asked!
Chuckling lightly at his own thought, he sees Livar walking around the campsite.
“Hey, what are you doing?” Ventian asks, with a questioning expression.
“Oh, good morning Ventian. Well, I've just been making sure nothing snuck into our camp over night. Nothing seems off from what I've seen.”
Ventian is surprised at this because, Wait, Just last night there were…
“Hey Livar… do you know if your spell can detect spirits?” Ventian asks carefully.
Livar’s expression becomes that of confusion. “Um… no? Its a Physical based detection spell, so i think Mega-based life form would stay undetected. Why? Do you think there are spirits in this forest?”
“Um… maybe? Spirits are unpredictable most of the time. And its just a random thought i had. Physical based detection spell? I know a few of those, but not very well. Only in practice.” Quickly dismissing the topic so Ventian doesn't have to think more on those two, he moves towards the road and waits for the others to wake up.
A half hour later, and the group begins to pack up the campsite. Ventian uses his magic with practiced ease to fold his tent away, and place it in the tent bag that Vedaria gave him to use.
As the others prepare to get going, Livar says while pointing at Ventian “Hey everyone, i just want to warn you all to not call him the prince while in town. I think its better if nobody knows that he's royalty. Not many people know his real name anyway.”
Vedaria then nods her head, “Yes, i agree. As long as Ventian is alright with us calling him by name?” As she finishes, she looks at the prince.
“Alright,” Ventian responds with a smile “I have no problem with that. Actually, I was going to tell everyone to call me that way anyway.”
“Good. Alright, lets get going. I want to get to Adifoll before midday.” Vedaria says as she and the group begins to walk in the direction of said town.
‘Adifoll.’ That must be the name of the town she mentioned. I’ve only ever seen the capitol, i wonder what the town looks like.
“Hey Ventian. Here.” Livar speaks up, and levitates the prince an apple.
“Oh. Thanks Livar!” Ventian bites into the apple while holding it in his aura.
Approaching the town entrance, Ventian notices multiple things.
There was a sign reading ‘Adifoll’ in big letters above the doorway that was embedded in the wall that seemed to circle the entire town, letting people in and out if the guards in front of the gate allowed it.
As the group gets closer, two guards intercept them.
“Hey,” said one of the guardsponies, to Vedaria who was at the front of the group approaching the town. “Its four silver to enter this town.” Vedaria’s face contorts in anger.
“What?! I was here just two weeks ago and there was no entrance fee. What the hell happened?!”
“Sorry, but recent changes to our towns caravan traffic, the mayor decided to implement an entrance fee due to being so close to the capitol.” The guard said, face displaying no emotion.
As the group had to wait for Vedaria to sift through her bag to get the correct amount, Ventian continues to look at what little of the town he could see through the gate.
Several minutes later, and the group is allowed into the town.
“Is that not normal?” Ventian asks Vedaria as they walk through the entrance.
The other alicorn looks at him oddly and replies, “Kind of? Its a populated shopping town that happens to be out of the way of most routes, but I didn't think this town would have an entrance fee so quickly. This place was founded twenty years ago!”
“Is that fast?” Ventian asks. Twenty years?
“Yea, I mean, look around, see how many people are buying and selling? This place could run itself if the mayor-“ cutting herself off, she shakes her head while saying, “nevermind.”
Ventian looks around him at all the little shops that he wouldn't have seen if he stayed in Deovardin. There were food salespeople, shops selling jewelry and clothes, ponies walking from building to building going about their day. Not much attention is given to the group, just some glances from strangers.
Good thing I've never been one for expensive clothing or wearing gems. I once saw an alicorn fail to take off due to wearing too much gold. Ventian chuckles at the memory.
Vedaria directs them to a hotel that she mentioned on the way to the town, and as they enter the three story building that literally has the word ‘Hotel’ above the entrance, Ventian sees something he has never seen before.
A creature with a catlike appearance with wings and a birds head was standing at the front entrance desk talking to the clerk.
Thats… a griffon, right? Ive read about them, but never thought I would see one! Then again, I did see a kitsu- He shakes his head as he interrupts his own thought.
The griffin moves away from the desk after nodding and saying “Thanks” in a surprisingly deep voice. He glances at the group for a moment before moving towards the stairs leading up to the rooms.
Vedaria approaches the hotel clerk and brings out a small wooden card, then shows it to the clerk whose eyes widen on seeing whatever may be on the card. The clerk then gives the alicorn a set of three keys on a ring and Vedaria puts the card back in one of her bags.
Nodding, she comes back to the group who were standing off to the side. “Alright, lets go look at our rooms. I got us two connected rooms so we don't have to enter the hall to talk to each other.” Rose walks up next to Vedaria, and the two unicorns walk next to each other behind them with Ventian in the back.
The group walk up the stairs to the second floor, then enter a long hallway filled with doors and an interesting carpet pattern on the ground.
“Rooms 124 and 125 are the rooms we are looking for.” Vedaria says. “Me and Rose get 124 and you three get 125.” She says while looking at Ventian, Leva and Livar.
Ventian tilts his head a bit at this. One hundred and twenty-five? Theres no way theres that many rooms here, and all the numbers are in order so it cant be random- ohhh that makes sense. It must be that the one means floor one!
As Ventian thinks, the group get to the end of the hall and see, on the left side, two doors right next to each other. Both doors have numbers on them in metallic letters which read 124 and 125.
“Alright, you can all set up your rooms while I am going shopping.” Rose declares, turning around and walking down the hallway back to the stairs.
Ventian’s stomach makes a noise. “Oh dear, I forgot. Im also going to go look around for food. Livar, wanna come with?” He asks while looking at the unicorn.
That apple earlier was not enough, I need a meal. Ventian thinks to himself
Livar smiles and replies, “Yeah, I've been here before so I know what places you might like. Cmon.” He finishes, jerking his head in a ‘follow me’ motion.
Ventian nods and replies, “Alright” and follows him as they both go to exit the hotel while the last two mares watch them leave.
They have made into town. From the author's note I think you, misunderstood what I meant by transition. To clarify I mean how you end a scene. Let's take an example.
This is a bit of rush from one transition to then next as the last thing that was said was
In most standard conversation someone reply something like, "I guess that makes sense," or "Didn't even think about that," or "Seems reasonable, do you think we should tells the others not to call him prince while in town?".
In other words, the conversation should continued on for a little longer, a better to end the scene would be,
Also, when using I to refer to one's self, be it in dialogue or conjunction, remember to capitalize.
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Thanks, ill get started on correcting that.
Ill try not to copy what you did exactly, but rather take it into account when editing.
You could also reread word somethings to be able to make the text easier to read.
A bit wordy and hard to read innit?
First off this sentence is a run-on sentence, or in other words it is a sentence that could and probably should be separated into other sentences. Second, instead of saying 'town entrance' you could say 'town gate', as this implies that there is a wall around the town, that requires there to be a gate to enter or leave the town. Third, it is clear from later in the text, that ponies only coming in or going out if the guards allowed it is important, so let's make that the focus of its own sentence.
I suggest you change to say something similar to:
Note, that from earlier in the text it is implied that Ventian is trusting and naïve, and having never been stopped by a gate toll before wouldn't know why the guards are stopping the travelers and caravans.
Edit: I added the explanation.
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Yea, my phone(what I write with) autocorrects everything, shows me grammatical errors and even adds apostrophes to words like we’re and they’re.
But it doesn't capitalize i in sentences unless. I is the first letter in a sentence.
Again, capitalize the I's when their by themselves or in a conjugation if the separation of the conjunction leaves you with a singular I. Though enough with punctuation. This scene is a bit unbelievable to me, and here's why:
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Yea youre right. Lemme just remove that rq-
Edit: going through and correcting all my “i” is going to take a while. I might miss a few so feel free to keep pointing them out.
I just realised, the chapter thats gone through the most edits is literally called “Changes”
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Most of them can be summed up with add explanation here, and capitalization there, that place needs a bit more detail to perform a smoother transition, things like that.
Also, all the I's that I have found.
Not an I but the H in He
Also an explanation of what a "Stone of Cleaning" is and does would help in the previous paragraph.
I'll list more in my next comment.
Also forgot an apostrophe, in I've.
I do believe that single words in quotation marks are capitalized, though they might not have punctuation.
That is all I could find.
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I could go back and give advice in previous chapters if you want.
I like the changes made, I certainly makes the story flow better. Another thing I would suggest is remove things that would be redundant or implied in the next line. Ex:
Stating that 'Ventian does so' is redundant, as it would be implied in the next line. It would be better to give a gesture or word of affirmation, preferably both, as such things are given showing that a person is listening. Such things include nodding his head or saying "Alright," or "Lead the Way".
Edit: Added clarification.
Most of this is actually written very well. However some tweaks can be made.
Ventian was previously shown to be inquisitive, he would push the matter. Whether or not he get's an answer would change depending on how you want to characterize Vedaria.
This paragraph should connect to the previous one, i.e. should give a reason for why the less attention is better, e.g. it is uncomfortable. Afterward it can say something like 'Not to mention' to connect to the joke.
The rest I'd have to say are just too petty to go over. So I think this is good.
Decided to add some more detail to the new chapter I posted, so I unposted it.
Will do some things. Ventian says some words. Rose is a changeling. Nothing to worry about.
Edit: yay more information! Also, should i add the changeling tag to this?
Edit2, changeling bugaloo: Rose is a bug. Ventian doesn't care, he only wants to ask questions. No suspicion, only information.
I promise he will get bit in the ass by his own naivety at some point.
Wait, how is that a promise? Thats not a good thing at all…
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Chapter 6?
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Yea, posted it, then decided to unpost it to add detail after a minute.
OH SHITP
Edit: WHOOPS, MISCOUNTED.