Chapter 1
Fluttershy had no special somepony. She’d had many a childish crush, but not once had she acted on them. She knew love came in two halves, which fit together perfectly and seamlessly, but she still hadn’t found him, and occasionally wondered if she ever would. Why, if he were anything like her, he spent his time away from everypony else thinking about the same thing. The thought terrified her whenever she gave it time, so she tried to avoid it.
Fluttershy wondered if she would ever bear a foal, and how it felt to carry new life. Some mares had as their destinies to help in this, cutie-marks showing this proudly displayed on their flanks. Three butterflies were not such a cutie-mark as a bun in an oven, or a heart and a milk bottle, but such mares were limited in number, and there would always be ponies patiently waiting for their services, services she could instead provide, if she wanted.
Fluttershy felt her heart beating so quickly and noticeably when she had volunteered herself as a surrogate to a couple in need. It had been impulsive, but she wouldn’t call it foolish. She had known if she started walking around with everypony in the village aware of this that she would receive attention she couldn’t handle, and so she asked everypony involved to keep it quiet.
Fluttershy hadn’t thought of how she’d continue to hide it. She knew if she had started thinking too much about the consequences, that she never would’ve done it; if she ever thought too hard about doing anything, she’d just want to do nothing. Many a day had been spent feeding her animals and doing little else but moping on the couch, or her floor, but no more.
Fluttershy was a new, slightly-braver mare who would finally have her curiosity in this regard sated. No longer would she be shy about this particular situation.
For the first six months, little had changed about her daily routine. Pregnancy was the perfect excuse, to herself, for cowering in the face of adventure or danger. Now if only there had been any adventure or danger in the meanwhile from which she could’ve excused herself. There had been no new princesses trying to destroy the day, no more dragons threatening to cover the village in smog, and no returns of any chaotic spirits looking to turn the world literally upside-down. Really, she preferred this. She loved her friends, but Twilight’s entry into her life had made it more exciting, which she hated in a way. Her weekly spa visits with Rarity had been changed at first only by the fact that she now avoided the hot tub. One day, however, Rarity commented on her weight, in the indirect way common to her, and Fluttershy had known then that she would need to start being more secretive. As painful as it had been to calmly tell Rarity she wouldn’t be visiting the spa for a while, and then to deny any bit problems as the cause, she felt it had to be done, and that just tore her up inside. She certainly wasn’t over-reacting, nosirree. Rarity couldn’t be trusted with any gossip. Later, she started letting her wings droop a little during her visits to the market, but that only made it obvious she was hiding herself. Eventually, she stopped visiting the market too.
The problem was, of course, that her belly kept growing, and wasn’t going to stop any time soon. She really didn’t mind the isolation, especially since she no longer was alone at any time, but was a little worried about her future. Good things had happened too. She was learning what she’d wanted so strongly to know, like how it felt when the foal moved. All in all, she felt no remorse so far.
One night, after brushing her teeth before bed, she had the strongest urge to admire herself in the mirror. She’d widened into an unmistakable pregnant form. Her wings could no longer hug her sides tightly, as they always had for her entire life. She started to turn her body while still fixating on her appearance. She didn’t have a noticeably bigger rump, she believed, and the rest of her body mostly looked how it always had. She smiled. Neither she nor the parents wanted to know whether they were having a filly or a colt, so they never used any magic to find out. Fluttershy found it exciting, that such a central and basic aspect of a new pony would go unknown until the birthday, and for other reasons. Currently, she was either carrying a pony like her, or unlike her; so, she either had two sets of mare parts, or mare and stallion parts at the moment. She giggled at the thought before leaving the room.
As she’d done nightly for a while now, she talked to him, or her, as she lay in bed trying to sleep. She was lying on her left side, and had the blanket lifted slightly so she could look at him, or her, while she spoke.
“Your parents told me they still haven’t thought of a name for you yet. I think the surrogacy has something to do with it. I’ve been told that sometimes it’s the surrogate who names the foal, but I haven’t felt any premonition about that. Would you like for me to name you, little foal?”
This was the moment when Fluttershy wanted to feel him, or her, stir, as if telling her “Yes, Fluttershy, I think you would come up with an excellent name for me.” and so on, but she felt nothing. It seems he, or she, was tired too.
“I-If I do, I’ll try to think of a good one. I-I was reading somewhere that our names may be self-fulfilling prophecies instead of clairvoyance.” She let the blanket fall, not really feeling as if she had a listener anyway. “My parents should’ve named me Flutterbrave. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so s-shy. Of course, I don’t think I’d be as brave as Rainbow Dash, even if I were Rainbow Dash, so maybe I’m wrong.” She yawned in her rambling, and had one last thing to say before passing out.
“I’ll try not to let my shyness rub off on you.”
The next morning, she was at her kitchen counter enjoying a cup of tea, and she nearly spilled it when hearing a knock at the door. It couldn’t be the foal’s parents, because they’d informed her of a Cloudsdale visit last week. They’d brought extra supplies from the market to her because of this. She’d hated asking them to get groceries for her, but it had been convenient. After calming herself, she slowly walked over to look through the door’s peephole. It was Rainbow Dash.
“Look, Fluttershy, I know why you’ve been avoiding everypony lately. Let me in, will you?” Fluttershy felt her poor heart beating in her chest at those words, but shakily replied through the door. “U-Um, I’m not really feeling up to any guests right now, thank you.” Rainbow Dash calmly and slowly entered anyway. Fluttershy’s door had no lock, of course, and Fluttershy sighed. She felt silly at hiding this from her friends of all ponies for so long. “U-Um, I can explain.”
“You don’t need to. You’re fat, and that’s why you’ve holed yourself up in here, but don’t you worry. Your awesome friend Rainbow Dash is here to help whip you into shape.” Rainbow Dash had started to hover and proudly display herself during that last sentence. Fluttershy wasn’t certain how to respond to this. Was she really going to lie to her friend? Oh, she was, the words had already left her mouth. Already Rainbow Dash had fallen, walked around, and poked her in the side with a hoof, not hard or anything, but Fluttershy stumbled away regardless. “Um, I can guarantee I’ll be slimmer in a few months, Rainbow Dash, so I really don’t need any help.”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s what they all say. If you don’t start today, I bet you’ll be even bigger in a few months.” Fluttershy giggled at the truth of that statement, but Rainbow Dash maintained a stoic expression. She hated to lie to Rainbow Dash but, well, she wasn’t technically lying, she thought. She couldn’t really recall whatever she’d said. Rainbow Dash continued, nudging her butt towards the door with her head. “C’mon Flutterbutt, or should I start calling you Fluttergut?”
“Um, c-could you please not demean me because of my weight, if that’s alright?” Rainbow Dash stopped nudging her for a moment. “It’s a mental technique, Fluttershy. If you hate your body, then you’ll want to change it.” She then continued to nudge her. “B-But I don’t hate my body. In fact, I love my body.” She put a forehoof on her barrel and smiled, which also made her easier to push.
Rainbow Dash groaned and rolled her eyes, unable to see anything but pink tail.
Now the pair were standing in Fluttershy’s backyard, within the fenced area.
“Alright. So, I figured we should start with a warmup. Let’s jump a few laps over your house.”
Fluttershy gulped. She had barely flown since her pregnancy started, and not at all in these past few months. Flying was hard enough without a little weight in her belly hanging down like a bowling ball in its bag.
“C’mon, just follow my lead.” Rainbow Dash effortlessly jumped to the top of Fluttershy’s roof in but a moment, and hopped off to get to the other side; then she repeated herself to land next to Fluttershy.
Well, maybe getting some exercise would be a good idea and, if it hurt, she would just stop. She bent her legs just enough to hop just high enough to hover, and struggled to move herself to the roof. It was harder than she remembered. Rainbow Dash elected to do largely the same, and completed five more laps by the time Fluttershy landed on the roof. Fluttershy brought herself to a standstill for a moment, to catch her breath, and noticed her belly stopping a second or two after the rest of her. She scrunched her muzzle a little at the strange feeling, but turned it into a smile as Rainbow Dash landed next to her from behind. Jumping down was easier, but then it was a struggle to land softly.
“Alright, let’s do a few more laps of that.”
Fluttershy’s fur was frothy with sweat, and she was wheezing. She didn’t know she was so out of shape but, then again, she probably would’ve been exhausted by it either way. She drank from a trough set aside for her animals while Rainbow Dash talked.
“Everypony has to start from somewhere, so good work, Flutterbutt.” Fluttershy glared at her without removing her mouth from the water. “Heh, sorry. Anyway, you need to strengthen your legs, like, a lot, so I brought some heavy bracelets for you to wear while we walk around a little.”
Fluttershy stopped drinking, trying to tell Rainbow Dash she wasn’t going to wear them, but they were already in-place by the time she opened her mouth. “Um, Rainbow Dash, I’m putting my hoof down, and” Rainbow Dash interrupted her with “Don’t be a foal, and just wear ’em for a bit.”
Fluttershy grumbled a little but wore them all the same. “C-Can we at least go inside where it’s cooler?”
“Fine.”
Fluttershy found it difficult to move while wearing the weighted bracelets but, well, that was their purpose. She was a little peeved with how Rainbow Dash relaxed on her couch while asking for things that just so happened to be across the room, every time, but she didn’t have it in her to get particularly upset with Rainbow Dash, considering how the misunderstanding was partially, or entirely, her fault.
After that was yoga.
Rainbow Dash wanted her to copy some fairly elaborate poses that required wings to maintain balance, and Fluttershy knew she just couldn’t. She’d probably fall over if she tried balancing on one hoof, and if the foal woke up and made her lopsided or something, she’d certainly fall over. She told Rainbow Dash no. To her surprise, Rainbow Dash agreed.
“You did good today, Fluttershy; you already look a little slimmer. As your awesome friend, I’ll just come by every day until you’re whipped into shape.” Then she left in a dash.
Fluttershy was worried, but calmed herself by her usual method: ignoring the problem entirely and getting a good’s night rest.
Fluttershy woke up after sleeping in, and her day started much as it had yesterday. She checked her mane in the mirror, admired herself just a tad, fed some of her animals, and relaxed on her couch drinking a cup of warm milk, which she nearly spilled when hearing a knock at the door. She stood and approached the door again.
“Um, Rainbow Dash, I’m putting my hoof down for real this time. It’s already on the floor. Um, you can still come in if you want, but I’ve planned a relaxing day for myself today, and you, um, well. I think I’ve made myself clear enough.” That last sentence was spoken in a whisper now that the wind was taken out from under her wings after the first three.
“Don’t be a silly filly.” The door was once again opened without permission, this time by Pinkie Pie. “I’m here to plan your foal shower with you!”
Fluttershy felt a little dizzy, and wanted to collapse, but remembering her condition settled for falling on her rump instead.
“H-How did you know?” She’d brought her hooves to cover her face, and peeked between them before asking.
At the question, Pinkie Pie replied very quickly with “Well, I had an itchy spot on my whithers, which usually means there’s a foal shower I need to plan, and then I checked my list of parties, and then I went around asking ponies if they were pregnant, and then Mrs. Cake got mad, and then”
Fluttershy’s head was spinning at the long description of events that led to the disturbance before her. When she’d noticed Pinkie Pie had stopped talking, she blurted out “The foal’s not mine.”
“Woah, I didn’t know that could happen to mares!”
Copyright 2023 Kassaz
Verbatim copying and redistribution of this document is permitted.
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RRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The story ended abruptly!
It was getting to the good part and then there were no more lines!
This story feels empty without the part where po ies discover the thing
11654871
Agreed! You should definitely work on it and get through Fluttershy’s surrogacy. I’d love to see how she deals with her friends finding out right there at the end, and how she deals with the birth. And of course, will she continue being a surrogate?
11654871
11655014
I should probably just rewrite this, yeah. It was rushed, but has other issues. It's not up to my usual quality.
Here's your New Blood Contest feedback!
When I first read this, I looked at the subject matter, the cover image, and your profile, and figured "this must be some fetish shit". I'm still not entirely unconvinced that there's something to that idea, but the story was quite nice. If anything, I wish there was more of it... but I'll get to that.
The story is quite well written, although it is not error-free, mostly related to strange word choice. For example:
...Huh? "Some mares had as their destinies to help in this"?
I think you mean "ruin" the day.
Lack of comma in and out of the quotation, and "It seems" is in the wrong tense.
In sections with lots of dialogue, you've mixed characters' lines together in the same paragraph. This is typically avoided, for good reason. I think it mostly works here, but it gets messy in a few spots, like this:
The "Rainbow Dash interrupted her" part should be properly escaped from dialogue, maybe with dashes to indicate suddenness. However, to be honest, dialogue entry/exit is a huge mess as it is so I can't fault you too hard here.
There's some more of this level of error throughout the story, but not much, which is actually pretty good. And the writing sells the emotional investment and the visceral aspects of pregnancy - the physicality and the psychology of a little you growing in your belly. But even if it was boring and incoherent and full of errors, that would all be overshadowed by the conspicuous, disappointing lack of a proper ending.
The story just... stops. On a joke!
Okay, admittedly this was a good joke, but certainly not "the whole story has been building up to this point" good.
Right from the start, from the first paragraph even, it seems the story is building up to a post-partum tragedy or twist of some variety. I wrote down in my original notes that the first thing Fluttershy mentions is her lack of a special somepony, or a "second half" which completed her. For a story laser-focused on pregnancy, it's easy to imagine it would end with Fluttershy reluctant to give up the foal that's been growing in her for so many months; to resist giving it up, even. Or maybe, after Fluttershy hooves the newborn off on its real parents, she decides she wants one of her own. There are lots of angles for a proper, emotionally satisfying ending.
Am I getting too into this, for someone who doth protest too much at the start? Maybe. But this is the only story in the contest with this issue, so I feel it's notable, and important to mention and criticize.
Even so, thank you for writing this, and for participating in our little contest. I hope you keep writing, and I hope to see more from you in the future.