One on One

A Thousand Words592 stories ·232 members

One on One

Rainbow Dash takes a penalty kick.

Written for Bicyclette's A Thousand Words II competition in the Slice of Life category.

Winner of a judge prize!

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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gapty

gapty #1 · Jul 11th, 2023 · 1 · ·

That's a nice short slice of life there, with very well written moment of a single penalty kick I wouldn't have expected to be so interesting.

Personally, the missing ending is kind of a disappointment, as it builds ups some sort of important role the unknown goalkeeper might be for Rainbow, so I expected the tension to be resolved into an either conflict or drama between these two

Nonetheless, it was an exciting read of a single sport moment

Muramasa

Muramasa #2 · Jul 11th, 2023 · 1 · ·

11635699
Thank you for the feedback! I felt here that the story wasn't about the actual result itself, but Dash's legend leading up to the moment. It's my first time trying one of these, and there's definitely a few things here or there I could have done better, but I didn't want to stare at it for a month.

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #3 · Sep 18th, 2023 · 1 · ·

Everyone knew who Rainbow Dash was.

don’t say that too loudly, her ego’s big enough as it is!

She was on the news. She was all over forums and social media. She was extraordinary — her and her friends had displayed a might like no one had ever witnessed and revealed a truth that no one had thought possible.

ah nice, so this fic is taking the consequences of the girls’ magical shenanigans seriously!

Rainbow's reputation on the pitch had preceded her even before she vanquished a demon.

that is true, being the captain of seventeen school teams even before the first movie

Rainbow Dash didn't know who I was.
But she's about to.

ooh, so true!

And with a thunderous pop, she launched the ball into the air.

and augh, ending on a cliffhanger! but it is about the journey, not the destination. Rainbow Dash’s sports prowess is really treated as a character note and afterthought in the canon, in contrast to the weight many actual high school athletes would put on one of the most important things in their young lives. thank you for giving us a glimpse of it!

FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #4 · Sep 18th, 2023 · 1 · ·

I feel you burned a lot of your word count on extraneous purple prose and overly elaborate sentences. We’re dealing with a very poetic keeper here. There’s nothing wrong with this style, but it’s a poor fit for both such a tight word limit and for a story that focuses on Rainbow Dash (though there’s an argument that this florid prose works as a contrast to a girl who’d describe this same scene with far fewer words and far more gestures and sound effects. )

The inconclusive conclusion works, but I do wish the keeper and Dash got to interact off the pitch, if only to demystify the latter a bit. Of course, that would definitely go beyond the word limit. All told, good snapshot of a climactic moment, but the accompanying article’s a bit overwrought for the sports section. Good thing there weren't any sports editors on the judges panel, then. Congrats.

Muramasa

Muramasa #5 · Sep 18th, 2023 · · ·

11698412

Yeah, I feel like my approach with the word count was the biggest flaw in my first shot at doing this, so when I go for it again, making sure the story develops naturally is going to be a big point of emphasis.

Thank you for taking the time to read it! A lot of entries this year and I'm glad I was able to be a part of it (and win a judge prize! Wow!)

11697939
Thank you for the kind words and for hosting the contest (with so many entries, my goodness)! I'll definitely be sure to give it another crack next time around and hopefully I'll be able to say more with less, so to speak.

Loganberry

Loganberry #6 · Dec 19th, 2023 · 1 · ·

Hello! I read all the stories from this contest that won recognition, so have a review. A snapshot here, though counterbalanced by Dash's relatively verbose thoughts. Doesn't outstay its welcome, though perhaps slightly too much kept mysterious. Liked!

Muramasa