• Member Since 24th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Muramasa


Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.

T

Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer are the only two living ponies in the world that can lay claim to one of Equestria's most prestigious titles: the protege of Princess Celestia, ruler of the land of Equestria and perhaps one of the most powerful magic users to ever walk the face of the planet.

However, they are not the first: since Equestria's medieval ages, Celestia has always held a pupil under her tutelage. Some of these pupils went on to do great things, while others fell prey to their own ambition and power, but even though those students have been dead for years, Celestia still remembers every name that came before.

Her reminiscing becomes more than memories, however, when her very first pupil shows up on the castle steps. One by one, Celestia's former students begin to appear in the prime of their youth, their minds seemingly leaving off right after their deaths. It's up to Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer to find out why these ponies have risen from the dead, and what they're being drawn to...


Rated T for sexual references and violence.

Featured on 4/14! Thanks everyone!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 24 )

Has promise
Will up vote
Love so far
Please continue

This looks very promising. Let’s see where this is going to go.

You had my curiosity with the premise, but now you have my attention...

That first chapter is really nice! It's clear that I want to read the next chapters.
But the suspens was absent since the synopsis spoils all of it.
But I think that story will be really good!

You have my attention. This is definitely an interesting premise.

That said, I have to say: I don't feel like that one "fucking" really adds anything to the story except being edgy for the sake of edgy.

8864171
I always felt like, since these mares are probably somewhere around their early to mid 20's, that they would probably realistically speak the way people in their mid 20's talk. I usually do it in my stories to add an element that gives characters more of a feel.

HOWEVER, if it really does seem like it is edgy to be edgy, I'll get rid of it because that would be doing the opposite of what I intended, lol. Which is all good, of course! Thanks for the feedback!

8864283
I can't speak for general preference, only for my own, but: In fanfiction, it's important to be wary of how one departs from the source material.

When a human says 'fucking', it denotes some irritation or exuberance, it puts some emphasis on what follows.

When a pony (or even EQG-Human if we assume that Sunset picked up some mannerisms) says 'fucking', you're essentially stepping out of vocabulary that is typical of the world, and dropping in an expletive from our own which is significantly stronger and more impactful due to it being 'foreign', so to speak.

There's a lot more 'splash' to dropping the f-bomb in a pony context than there is to dropping it in general fiction. To me, at least, it sticks out like a sore thumb, like Sunset inexplicably used a foreign word.

Your fic would probably be better served by going for 'authentic' rather than 'realistic', if that makes sense.

8864295
Entirely understood! I'll remove it at once

the ultimate title: the protege of Princess Celestia

I'm pretty sure that "Princess of Equestria" tops that one, ala Twilight :rainbowlaugh:

That aside, this is an interesting start and I can't wait to see how it goes. Granted, I'm a bit surprised that a millennia old pony knew how to counter the guard spells flawlessly (You'd think magic technique and understanding would have improved considerably in that time), but oh well ... maybe she's a relatively recent student? Anyways, looking towards more! (PS: Why didn't Luna simply teleport down? :rainbowlaugh:)

8864644
Mabe shes the inventor of the technique, and the improvements were in efficiency afterwards.

8864644
The teleport thing was something I really wrestled with because Celestia could have teleported everyone to the room instantly as well. I decided that for story purposes, I wouldn't make it THAT easy, as they could all probably do that at a far more frequent rate in the show, and there is another reason why that I can't reveal just yet :twilightsmile:

Also, you're totally right about the description and I'm an idiot, so I'm gonna change that lol

Much like Starlight and I's cutie marks,

This should probably be, "Much like Starlight and my cutie marks,"

Also, why is there no mention of Sunset's mark. It's actually one of the most clever in my opinion; an eight-pointed star in the shape of a sun flare with a taijitu (yin yang symbol) for the sun itself. It says a lot about the character and works with the reestablished motif for magic-talents. It's also quite visually appealing, even to a colorblind like myself.

Edit:
Forgot to mension that I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes. Big smiles all around.

8865247
Correct and fixed!

I love Sunset's mark, but I was drawing a bit more attention to the traditional "good at magic" cutie mark that Starlight and Twilight has. That isn't to mean it isn't the ONLY symbol (in the case of Sunset, who has a kinda awesome pseudo-version of it) but it appears to, at least in this fic's background, be a strong indicator.

This is so going on my tracking list. I love the characterizations here.

The Sunset/Twilight dynamic is great and a pleasure to read. I am intrigued by the mystery of the plot and fully expect that this will be a good story. Descriptions and dialogue are top-tier. Looking forward to the future chapters!

"I am called Violet," she said simply. "I am Celestia's apprentice...formerapprentice, in truth."

WHA?! Um... Twilight? Did you know about this? (standing in the doorway behind them completely dumbstruck) I thought Celestia had only had the two apprentices, you and Sunset. Um... what is going on?

IN OTHER NEWS) Great fic. Great start. Can't wait to see more. Please say there's going to be more. PLEASE?!

8865674
For sure! I've already started on the second chapter, so you can expect it in the coming days!

8865684
Yay. Quick question, are we going to be seeing ALL of Celestia's past students? Or just a few of them?

8865721
I can't give too much away now :twilightsmile:

Curious. Going to follow and see where it goes.

8865684
Wahoo! :D

Hmmmm, more please

Hmm! I am curious to see where this one goes! :pinkiehappy:

I imagine some of her students having quite interesting reactions to Luna. (Or the modern age in general.)

A few may know her as Nightmare Moon, some - those from inbetween the 1000 year gap of Luna's banishment - wouldn't know her at all. Could be potential for some hi-la-rious misunderstanding about how the two are related. :derpytongue2:

Also, I am hoping for Twilight, Sunset, and the newcomers to compare "notes" on Celestia. :raritywink:

Comment posted by lightningman deleted April 16th
Login or register to comment