5 - Portrait of a Blank Slate
I awoke to the unfamiliar feeling of sickness. I was lying in a very large, mostly pink bed that felt like a cloud. My memory flashed through last night’s events, and I sighed. I was surprised Luna hadn’t bothered me, though she likely saw no reason now that I was in Cadance’s hooves.
But for once, I had woken up not to the feeling of biting wind. It was warm, even cozy. Though I knew better than to allow myself to get lost in the feeling, I wouldn’t be staying here.
The bedroom door was open, and outside I could hear people talking. I tried to stand on my hooves and was immediately reminded of how exhausted my body was. I collapsed back onto the bed instantly before trying again and managing to stay in a sitting position. Even with the warmth of the castle, my body still had a minor chill every now and then. I must’ve had pony fever or something.
I sniffled to try and clear my head, which felt stuffy, which obviously didn’t do much. Though thankfully, my head wasn’t berated with permanent aches anymore.
My ears swiveled towards the door, where approaching steps could be heard. When I lifted my head, I met Cadance's gaze. Her eyes widened, and she adorned a sweet smile, "Good morning." She tilted her head. "How are you feeling?"
I didn’t know what to think or even feel as I looked around the room I was in. Which firmly reminded me that I was in the hands of the royal family now. "I’ve been better." I said quietly, barely giving her a glance.
She walked over to the bed and leaned forward, putting a hoof on my forehead. She brought it back with a sigh, "You’ve definitely still got a nasty fever."
I nodded absently as I stared down at the sheets awkwardly. What did she want from me? What was she expecting from me?
She took a few steps away from the bed toward the door. "It’s almost lunch time. You can come out and eat with us, or I can have someone bring you food if you’d like, dear." She gave a sincere smile.
I stared at her for a moment, then shook my head and looked down at my hooves, saying, "O-Okay…"
She left the room, leaving a crack in the doorway for me, and I was left pondering my situation once again. She hadn’t invaded my personal space ceaselessly like I'd expected her to. Outside, I heard her talking with what sounded like Shining Armor, but it was too muffled to understand.
I carefully jumped off the bed and onto the ground, nearly falling in the process because of how weak my limbs felt. I looked around; it was exactly what you’d expect a princess like Cadance’s room to look like. I gravitated towards the balcony, where I could see snow drifts three times the size of me out the crystal doors, and I paled. I would’ve been buried alive and suffocated if I hadn’t died of hypothermia first.
I kept looking around, eventually noticing an odd-looking device on one of the desks. I carefully wiggled my way up onto the chair for the desk and prodded at the thing. It was a weird crystal that floated right above a base, and there were a bunch of buttons with symbols I didn’t understand.
Curiosity got the better of me, and I pressed one. An odd chime sounded from it multiple times, until suddenly a voice erupted out of it: "Yes, Princess Cadance? How can I assist you? Do you need our cleaning assistance?"
I realized then that it was essentially a phone and panicked. I squeaked and pressed every button that looked like some sort of call-end button. The voice disappeared, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Just when I thought it was over, the chime sounded again, and some stallion answered, "Yes, Sergeant Bristle here. What can I help you with, Princess?"
I panicked more and talked nervously, "Ahh! End call! End it!" I said nervously as I covered my face with my hooves in embarrassment.
"Princess Flurry Heart?" The stallion asked.
"No! I mean, end the call!" I said loudly.
I heard a laugh from the other end: "Oh, Kieran." There was a pause. "Don’t panic; just press the blue button on the bottom."
I didn’t question how he knew who I was. I nodded profusely, even though I was alone, and quickly found the button and pressed it. The sound cut off with another lower chime, and I was alone. I waited with bated breath for a few moments before finally sighing in relief. That’s the last time I touch some odd crystal device again.
I felt a familiar feeling of needing to relieve myself and looked around the room, quickly spotting the bathroom. I carefully made my way over, peaked inside, and quickly paled. It wasn’t exactly fit for a filly of my size. The embarrassment of having to now find someone to ask about using the restroom made my face heat up and go red.
I looked down at my hooves as I contemplated everything that had led up to this moment in my life. And grunted in anger, ‘Stop acting like this.’ I told myself in my head, angrily. ‘You’re not a pony, and definitely not a little girl. So stop acting like one.’
I steeled my expression as I marched toward the door to the bedroom. I carefully opened the door, trying not to make any noise. I creeped outward and took stock of my surroundings. Cadance and Shining were talking to each other while laying on the couch. And there were no maids or anything else in sight.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before trotting forward. It didn’t take long for the two to notice me. I didn’t look up as I didn’t want to see their faces when I asked. "I… need to use a bathroom…"
Cadance hummed, and I heard her hooves connect to the floor. "Of course, Kieran. You don’t have to be ashamed, honey."
I gritted my teeth and faced away from her, "I’m not."
She hummed amicably once again and started walking somewhere, so I followed her.
We walked briefly down a hallway, each step forward cementing my embarrassment. Being led to the little filly’s room was the last thing on my agenda, yet the first thing I needed. She stopped as she gestured towards a room in the hallway. "This bathroom has more filly-sized accommodations."
I wanted to groan and yell that I wasn’t a filly, but well… that just wouldn’t be true, would it? I sighed with a short nod and walked forward.
"Tell me if you need any help, okay? I'll be right out here."
My face went bright red again as I disappeared inside. There was no chance I’d ask for help, even if I was literally getting flushed down the toilet. It was a single bathroom with multiple-sized latrines for use by anyone.
After doing my business, I walked over to the much lower sink and stood on my hind legs to wash my hooves. Which I didn’t think did very much in terms of hygiene since we were always walking around on them anyway. I wished I could use my horn to levitate like everyone else; it seemed so much cleaner to eat or really do anything like that.
I looked up at myself after washing, and staring right back at me was Flurry Heart. Not me, not anything I identified with, just some filly princess from an alternate universe. I’d seen myself plenty of times in reflections on the streets, but somehow being in the castle had cemented everything to be so much more real than before.
I wish I could stay positive in that moment and just tell myself the simple words, ‘At least you’re alive.’ But not even those words sated my disdain.
‘Wrong body, wrong world, wrong gender, wrong. Wrong, it’s all completely wrong!’ I felt tears falling down my face, ‘Great, now wrong doesn’t even sound like a real word.’
I sniffled and wiped my face to clear it. I heard a bit of shuffling outside the door. "Is everything alright in there, Kieran?"
I stayed quiet for a second to compose myself, taking a deep breath. I called out, stuttering a bit on my first words. "Y-Yeah just… give me a second."
‘Calm down; you lived a month in this body. You should be used to it already.’ Though having to look that new body in the face was something I rarely did.
After taking deep breaths and getting away from the mirror, I managed to compose myself enough to open the door and walk out. I could tell Cadance was trying to look me in the eyes, probably to discern whether I’d cried or not. I kept my head firmly pointing the other way as she led me back to the previous room.
"I can get you some more medicine when we get back; that should help a bit." She told me.
Sickness; it was just my luck to have contracted it. I thought annoyedly to myself about what kind of sickness ponies could actually get.
A thought occurred to me, one that made me mildly nervous: "Um… Cadance… Do ponies get diseases? Are you sure it’s just a fever?"
She slowly nodded with a curious gaze, "Yes… why?"
I huffed. I didn’t exactly want to talk about this, but it was certainly a concerning thought. I spoke quietly as my voice echoed in the halls: "Do vaccines carry over? Like… does my body have all the same medical vaccines as Flurry's? Because I might just be a stewing petri dish of disease right now."
A look of apprehension and horror overtook Cadance’s features as she quickly enveloped my body in a magic field and turned back in the direction we’d just come from. "Right back to the nurse, you go!" Cadance hummed nervously.
And that’s how I spent the beginning of my day, getting injected with at least nine different shots. Thankfully, they divulged that it was indeed just a common fever with no underlying diseases. The nurse, Moon Petal, and Cadance alike both apologized profusely to me, though for different reasons. Cadance must’ve thought I’d be angry at her for it, and the nurse was apologizing for not even thinking of the same thing I did.
All in all, it took maybe an hour.
But being stuck with so many needles while already feeling terrible? My body was not in the mood. And my mood in general had turned sour.
I lay across Cadance’s back, feeling like if I so much as lifted a hoof, I’d be subject to terrible pain and illness. I felt like some random stray dog that just got taken to the vet. Which honestly wasn’t far off. Cadance walked us through the large crystal hallways back towards the main palace, and she kept glancing backwards at me worriedly. "Would you be up to eating lunch, honey?"
I mumbled something incoherently into the fur on her back, and she seemed to interpret it as a positive response. Which it was. I wouldn’t pass up on a meal after going so long without anything to eat half the time.
It wasn’t long before we came back to the main palace section of her castle; I could already see Shining Armor and Flurry Heart sitting around the table. Flurry was drawing with a hoof on her cheek in concentration. And Shining was looking over some sort of paper. I sighed as I tried to mentally prepare myself to interact with the rest of these ponies.
She sat me down on a pillow, surrounding the table. Almost immediately afterward, I felt many eyes on me, and I mentally sighed. I looked around the room I was in. It had an enormously large ceiling and windows the size of my old house. Which was already impressive; the crystal fireplace in the corner of the room was massive as well, though everything might’ve just seemed bigger when you were smaller.
The room had many different couches, bookshelves, and, of course, the dining table on one side. On the other side was a large balcony of sorts with a glass door. which, based on the amount of snow built up on it, made me pale again at the idea of being buried underneath it all.
It was a cozy yet extravagant living section for a castle, exactly what I’d expected. There was a door to their large bedroom and one to Flurry’s. But those were the only ones I recognized, as the rest were hallways and rooms I’d never been in.
Surprisingly, Shining Armor was the first to speak to me as I analyzed my surroundings. "Are you feeling alright, Kieran?"
I glanced at him and huffed, "I’ve been better." I mumbled truthfully, looking down at my hooves.
I glanced over at Flurry, expecting her to be on my case already. But she was staring hard down at her paper, almost as if she were scared to meet my eyes. I shrugged it off internally as Shining spoke, "I’d rather hear that than not hear you at all." He said with a large smile.
Cadance had mostly watched as she talked to a pony near one of the doorways. She returned to me and ran a hoof through my hair. I didn’t have the energy to tell her to stop; after all, what good would it do?
Cadance levitated another capsule and glass of water up to my mouth, "Here you are." She said quietly.
I eyed the capsule and sighed, "What are these anyway? Mind wipe pills?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Flurry cringing as she hid herself even more. Cadance merely held it closer to my face, "It’s a fever reducer. The only sort of mind wipe I know of is when I preen Flurry’s wings." She laughed awkwardly at her attempt to lighten the mood.
I had no reaction as I took the medicine and drank carefully, holding onto the glass with my hooves. But it was irritating me as she kept her magic aura around it the whole time. When I finished, I huffed, "You know I can hold it on my own." I said sourly.
She placed it on the table and said, "Better careful than not."
She sat across the table from my spot. So now I had Shining on my left and Flurry on my right. The silence and awkwardness of everything were palpable; there was no lively conversation; I simply sat in silence as I stared at the table, wondering just what I’d gotten myself into.
Two ponies entered the room carrying trays in their magic grasp. And like a well-oiled machine, they’d set a full meal in front of all four of us and were out of the room all the same. They left behind some sort of mushroom soup and bread rolls to accompany it.
I watched silently as the royal family around me discarded their previous distractions and began to eat by levitating their spoons along with whatever else they needed. I grumbled internally, partially out of jealousy. But after Cadance gave me a worried glance, I quickly reached my hoof down to acquire a spoon. I had to concentrate an unreasonable amount to just grab things with my hooves, and all these ponies around me were just floating things. How was that fair?
After moments of making sure I had a good grasp of the spoon, I ate normally. Well, as normally as you can for being surrounded by a royal family, feeling like a dunce. Maybe they were keeping me around as the royal jester?
The food itself was nothing to scoff at, and I had to remember to slow down my eating pace many times when Cadance or Shining glanced at me worriedly. I didn’t want their pity, but I was just so hungry after eating apples and other waste fruits for a whole month.
Cadance must’ve been getting tired of the awkward silence, as she broke it by striking up a conversation with Shining. "So, how’s the city faring after last night’s storm?"
Shining hummed, looking back down at the paper from earlier. "Well, the report from Sergeant Bristle said it was about what we expected." He stopped to confirm on the piece of paper, "Uh… Yep. Six feet of snow, and the temperatures dropped into the negative thirties." For a second, Shining glanced my way.
I looked back down at my soup with annoyance as I tuned out their conversation. Looking to my side at Flurry, she was desperately shrinking in on herself. Why was she so upset? She was going to get what she wanted anytime now. Whenever they finally realized I was unneeded
I felt heat rise to my cheeks as I kept eating my soup with a scowl. I mean, what was with all of them anyway? Just going on eating and trying to be normal when I'm sitting right here. A fake, a copy, of your own daughter. I'm just sitting right here having a meal with you. They had to be going insane trying to think of how to get rid of me. Maybe they didn’t have the guts to do it, and someone else would be arriving to do it for them? I probably wouldn’t be able to harm something that looked like my own kid.
My concentration was broken by my thoughts, and I dropped the spoon from my hoof, which landed in the bowl. A bit of the soup splashed up onto my face, and I recoiled with a yelp. I rubbed at the spot to remove the slight burning sensation.
Cadance gasped and stood up as she levitated a cloth up to my face, "Oh, sweetie, I’ve got it. Are you okay?"
I swatted the rag away from my face and sat back up with an even angrier scowl, "I’m fine." I huffed.
I reached for my spoon again, but Cadance wouldn’t just let it go. "What happened? Are your hooves alright?"
"They’re fine." I groaned.
She continued to worry. "Are you sure? Unless you dropped it on purpose, you shouldn’t be having trouble gripping things... Would you like me to help you eat?" She enveloped my spoon in her magic.
My face heated up as my head hurt. I grabbed it from her magic with my hooves, "I said I’m fine!" I let out a bit louder than intended.
Cadance’s ears folded on her head as she sat back down with a lowered head. "O-Okay." She said quietly.
Shining Armor looked between the two of us with an unsure expression. And he let out a sigh before returning to his own meal. I was just glad he hadn’t gotten angry at me for yelling. I really was pushing my luck yelling at a princess…
Flurry was now a ball of emotion, quivering behind her hooves as she finished her lunch. And Cadance’s eyes didn’t leave the floor.
A few minutes later, we’d all finished eating, and the ponies returned to take our dirty dishes and disappear once again. Cadance carefully approached me from the side, "Kieran, would you like a bath, sweetheart?"
I paid her no mind other than what she offered. Getting clean did sound nice; I had been on the streets for a long time and probably smelled anyway. I nodded to her and quietly replied, "Lead the way."
She nodded back with a small smile as I fell in line behind her.
We entered Flurry's room, and she turned the water on in her bathroom. She looked between me and the bath a few times and said, "I think a shower would be a better idea. The water is going to be nasty."
I nodded in agreement as I waited for her to give me the go-ahead. After a few moments, she nodded and turned to pick me up in her magic aura. I huffed as I suppressed another bout of anger at being handled like a child as she gently set me into the tub. And yeah, she wasn’t kidding. The water almost immediately turned brown.
She placed the shower head on a lower rung so that I could stand under it, and I had to admit that I felt a moment of pure bliss at feeling the warmth wash over me. I rubbed my fur happily as the water slowly turned from brown to clear.
Cadance smiled and giggled as she took a few steps back. "Do you want me to help?" Cadance asked.
"N-No!" My face went red. "I’m fine."
She nodded and turned around, but she seemed hesitant. "I’ll leave you to it then. But I’ll be right outside the door. Okay?"
I nodded absentmindedly as I continued to soak. With my mind clearing due to the warm water, all I could think about was how different everything was now. I truly wondered if maybe I was the problem. I didn’t belong here, and everyone else knew it. I didn’t belong as a filly; I didn’t belong with the royal family. I didn’t even deserve to be alive; I was simply the mistake of a spellcasting disaster gone wrong.
Were they actually serious? Did they really not intend on getting rid of the old me in hopes of a new daughter?
As the water made my body numb, I racked my brain for answers. If they didn’t get rid of me, I’d actually be stuck in this filly’s body. The thought made my body shiver. I felt so conflicted; the thought of dying again was scary, so scary. Death itself wasn’t scary from the little bits I experienced. But I didn’t want to die again.
But then why did I want them to get rid of me, of Kieran? I felt so stupid; I couldn’t have it both ways. And who’s to say if I were to… end myself, Flurry wouldn’t just revive me again…
‘But then I’d be dying! I don’t want to die again!’ My mind scream in protest.
And what would it do to Flurry Heart? She’d feel awful.
‘God, no matter what I do, it’s all a disaster.’ I lay down in the bath and held my head in my hooves. With a grunt of annoyance, I huffed out a long breath. ‘I don’t understand what’s going on.’
I felt my breathing begin to increase, and I shook my head wildly, 'No, no. It's fine.'
After a minute or two of self-pity, I stood back up. I at least needed to get myself clean. I looked around for the soap, seeing so many different bottles. What did each of them do? The colors weren’t enough, and I’d learned long ago that I couldn’t read whatever writing this world had. I couldn’t do a lot of things in this new world. I was so useless.
I reached up carefully for a bottle that looked promising and gripped it in my hooves. But apparently, when something is wet, with my terrible lack of power in my hoof grip, things just slip out.
I chased the bottle around the floor of the bath for many minutes, gripping it and having it slip away—all of this for something that might not even be shampoo. All of the stress and anger built up, and I finally whined loudly as I hit my hoof against the side of the bath. "Work you stupid things! Do anything!" I yelled.
"Kieran?" I heard the muffled sound of Cadance.
I gripped the bottle even harder than before, and it rocketed out of my grasp and onto the floor, many feet away from the tub. I seethed with anger as I pulled on my wet hair. I was too lost in my emotions as I hit my hoof against the tub over and over. Tears started streaming from my eyes. "Useless, useless, useless!" I yelled.
"K-Kieran, stop!" I heard rushed hoofsteps as my hooves were grabbed gently by Cadance, and I looked up in alarm. She looked down at me worriedly, "Kieran, honey, please calm down." She pleaded.
I felt my breathing increasing beyond my control, and my body shivered uncontrollably. I shook my head wildly and hiccuped as tears streamed down my face. "It’s not fair…" I whined.
I felt the gentlest embrace I’d felt yet as Cadance locked her forelegs around my body. "Breathe…" She told me gently.
For a few moments, I tried to push her away from me, but I gave up soon after. I followed her instructions as a necessity, not because I wanted to. She ran a hoof through the back of my mane, "Shh…" She didn’t tell me anything; she just kept shushing me and petting my mane. Rubbing circles on my back in a soothing gesture I didn’t understand.
She hummed a very simple and short tune, but it was distracting enough to help my breathing slow. Her voice was soft and soothing, and the simple gestures mixed with the humming forced my attention off of everything that made me feel awful. And I slowly turned into a quivering, confused mess.
She broke the embrace after my breathing had evened out. Admittedly, I felt a slight unhappiness at the break in gesture. I curled up into a ball in the tub, my body a mess of shivering and tears. Cadance’s voice was soft—so soft that I almost didn’t hear her over my own thoughts. "Let’s get you clean, alright?"
I stayed silent as she grabbed the correct bottles and lathered my mane and tail. She was extra careful and gentle as she scrubbed, and I kept my muzzle firmly planted downward as I watched the dirty brown suds circle the drain. Cadance narrated to herself absentmindedly about what she was doing. Either to quell my curiosity if it was piqued or as some sort of self-serving ritual.
She rubbed soap into each individual leg with more care than I’d expected. Cleaning in between grooves in my hooves is something I’d never have thought of if I were by myself. For a while after she had washed my body of all the suds, I assumed she had left. As I lay completely prone on the tub floor while staring at the drain. The drain was the only constant in my life at that moment.
I felt a gentle stroke on my mane. "Let’s dry you off, okay?" She waited a moment and nudged my shoulder. "Is that okay, honey?"
I sighed and forced myself into a sitting position as I nodded. My wet mane fell against my face with no regard for my feelings. She gently enveloped me in her magic, bringing me close to her as she wrapped a large blue towel around me. With precise yet gentle precision, I felt her dry off my body. And the sensation did make me feel much better physically.
She hummed with a bright smile again, "Warm and dry little filly." She said it absentmindedly, but it immediately caused me to feel wrong again.
I covered my face with my hooves and released an uncharacteristic whine as more tears came out of my eyes. Cadance entered damage control mode as she hugged me closer to her barrel. "Oh Kieran, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry." She told me softly with a horrified face.
I leaned my head to the side, saw myself in the mirror, and huffed angrily, "That’s not me!" I cried, pointing at it. I looked to her for answers, but all I saw was distress and sadness. "It’s not!" My voice broke on those words.
She pulled me closer, "Shh… I know, honey."
I shook my head violently and covered my eyes with my hooves. "I’m not a filly; I’m a boy; I’m not Flurry Heart! This world doesn’t make any sense!"
"Shh… I know." Cadance cooed as she finished drying my mane. "You’re still Kieran. You are, I promise."
I buried my face in the towel as Cadance held me tighter. If I told myself she was only holding onto the towel and not me, maybe it would make the storm of confusion evaporate. With one last drying of my hooves, I expected to be let down. But she continued to hold onto me. I saw her open a bottom cabinet and bring a brush out, and my eyes widened. "Don’t you dare use that on my body." I whined.
Cadance sighed as she allowed the bath to drain and exited the bathroom. "Just trust me for a moment, alright?"
I opened my mouth to protest, and she shushed me, "Just this once. Okay?"
I studied her face and averted my eyes with disdain for whatever she intended to do. "Fine." I moaned begrudgingly.
She hopped up onto Flurry’s rather large bed and laid me down between her forelegs. I felt a growing amount of nervousness as she unwrapped the towel from my body, but the moment the brush hit my back, my mind spiked with surprise.
After one single stroke down my back, I’d melted into a puddle of ecstasy. No wonder dogs and cats beg for this sort of attention; my entire body practically blanked at the feeling of it. And my back instinctively arched to get the brush in just the right spot.
She kept me cradled in her arms as her brush worked on my tangled hair. She smirked, "See? It’s not so bad." She whispered quietly.
I sat in silence as she brushed my back, my stomach, and my tail and mane. She did so expertly, and I found myself drifting off at the sensation. I was so completely enamored by the feeling that I didn’t even protest or feel upset when she nuzzled my face a couple of times.
"Kieran," She whispered carefully, "What’s the real reason you think we want to get rid of you?"
I shook my head and covered my face. "Think? I know you will."
"Then tell me," She said ever so gently, "and I’ll listen."
I choked on a new set of tears, "Because! I’m worthless in this new body. Eventually you’ll realize that I have nothing to offer, and you won’t need me anymore. Alicorns are supposed to be important, and I'm anything but!"
"What if…" She leaned closer and nuzzled the back of my head as she whispered into my ear, "We just want you to be loved? Is that so awful?"
I huffed, "I’ve been told something similar before…"
"Thanks, Damon, this means a lot!"
He ruffled my hair and brought me in with a hug. "No problem, kiddo, I just want you to see how much I love you. Merry Christmas."
"And…" I hiccuped, "It was fake… all fake! How can I trust somebody when they can turn on me in an instant?"
Cadance held a hoof to her mouth, "Is... that why you-"
"Yes! That's why I died!" I cried.
Cadance held me slightly closer as she hovered behind my head. Her realization caused her to gasp quietly: "I’m so sorry, I didn’t know." She paused, and I heard her voice crack: "The pain of being lied to in such a way—I understand why you don’t trust us. I’m sorry, Kieran."
I buried my head in the bed below, "He didn’t stay to comfort me or say goodbye; he just left me to die!" I finally looked up into Cadance’s eyes. They were so empathetic, and I could see tears forming in her eyes. "Why didn't my brother stay?" I asked desperately.
She sighed and averted her eyes for a second as she looked at me. "Love is strong, Kieran. But for some people, fear is stronger. They let themselves be overtaken by it and…" She seemed to be remembering something of her own as she released a long sigh: "They finally lose themselves along the way. And sometimes they lose someone else along the way too."
She looked back at me and gripped tighter, leaning closer to my face. "But that is no excuse. You don’t have to forgive, and you will certainly never forget what they did." She leaned in closer and kissed my forehead, causing me to blush wildly in embarrassment. "But life is miserable when you assume that everyone will lose themselves to fear. So I’m not asking you to love us or trust us just yet. But please, don’t push everyone away and destroy yourself from the inside."
"I just don’t know what I am anymore!" I cried. She looked at me in shock but stayed attentive as she listened to me. "I don’t even know if Kieran is real! What if they’re just fake memories that I made up to cope with my sudden existence? What if Kieran never existed!?" Cadance’s mouth opened and closed as a few tears fell from her eyes.
I held back a shaky breath, "My entire life could have been a lie. And then I’d just be… I’d be… useless! And if I'm useless I'll just get thrown away!"
Cadance shook her head and pulled me even closer. "No, you know that’s not true, Kieran."
I huffed and lowered my head, "But-"
She shook her head and interrupted me, "No. Kieran, sweetie, look at me."
She guided my face towards her with a hoof, "Tell me something only you could know about your world."
I tilted my head and sniffled, "That’s dumb…"
"Please?" She asked with an expectant gaze.
I sighed and thought to myself for a moment, "You mean like… Cars? Ponies don’t have cars, do they?"
Cadance smiled and stroked my mane, "No, we don’t. What are they?" She asked gently.
I sighed, "They’re… metal machines with four wheels. They have motors, engines, and a bunch of complicated wiring. There are cars, jeeps, trucks, vans… And… you can go upwards of a hundred and forty miles per hour in most of them." I laughed slightly, "Though it’s not advisable."
She giggled and nudged the side of my head. "See? Everything you just said sounds like nonsense."
I leaned back and looked at her with an intrigued expression. "And… we have this thing called the internet. Where you can talk and look up things about anywhere and anything on earth. And even play games with people on the other side of the world."
Cadance smiled widely and laid her head down as she looked at me with full attention. Her brows raised, "Oh? That sounds absolutely amazing. Your home sounds interesting! And the name Earth doesn’t ring a bell."
"Oh yeah, on the internet we can upload things called videos that show other people a view of something we saw before. We can record them with cameras and…" I put a hoof to my head, "Wow, that’s a lot to explain if I get into it."
Cadance giggled again with an intrigued hum, "Oh? So you could make… for example… embarrassing videos of younger Flurry when she had her first piece of cake?"
I nodded eagerly, "Yep!"
She huffed, "If only we’d had something of that ease in Equestria."
A smile adorned my face as I leaned downward. "Oh! And we have these things called helicopters and planes that allow us to fly even without wings. Helicopters have these large spinning blades on the top and back that go really fast and allow us to lift off the ground." I was making wild gestures with my hooves to demonstrate.
"I used to love watching things come and go at the airfield." I reminisced fondly.
Cadance nudged me again, bringing my attention back to her. I tilted my head curiously as she laughed, "I don’t think a fake copy could have such vivid and colorful fake memories. Not even the best magic users in our world could fake memories like that."
She brought a hoof up and booped my nose, "You’re as real as can be, Kieran. And I wouldn’t want you any other way."
I stayed silent for a long time, watching her. But she stayed firm with her inviting smile, and I mumbled nervously, "Do you really mean it?"
She nodded and ran her hoof across her chest in a pattern, "Cross my heart. And the princess of love doesn’t make those sorts of gestures lightly." She said with a small wink.
Maybe… just maybe… it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to approach these ponies with a positive outlook. Especially since I had enough on my plate with being the wrong gender among many other problems. At the very least, Cadance was persistent enough that I had to believe her. At least somewhat.
I sat on my haunches with a long sigh, and without much thought, I found myself leaning in and laying my head against Cadance’s chest. She seemed shocked as her mouth hung agape, and she slowly but surely raised a hoof and placed it against my back. I spoke quietly: "Please don’t be lying to me. Please." I choked a bit. "I don't think I could take it."
Cadance giggled and nuzzled the back of my head as she brought me closer with both hooves in a tight hug. "For what it’s worth, I promise you, Kieran. Just don’t jump out of another window, please."
I scoffed, "Don’t try to put me in a dress or call me a filly, and you have a deal."
She pulled back and gave me a wide smile. "Why would I? You’re a colt."
I felt tears brimming my eyes again as I buried my face in her chest. "That… means a lot, actually." I wiped my face. "Thank you."
She nodded and gave me a prideful look, "We can help sort everything out. But for today, I just want you to relax and beat this nasty fever. Can you do that for me?"
I gave a slow nod. Cadance shifted, and I thought she was going to leave, but she gently turned me around and pulled one of my wings away from my body. "Now that that’s sorted, let’s get these feathers corrected."
I wondered curiously what she meant, but as soon as I did, she leaned in and began nipping at them. I immediately collapsed on the bed in ecstasy; my body simply would not respond anymore. "I told you," Cadance remarked with a short giggle.
Trust didn’t come easily, and I couldn't say that I was the best at it. But for now, in that moment, I did feel a small amount. And it was the calmest I’d been since getting to this new world.
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I glad the kid is coming around. It might not hurt to have him see a mental health doctor to help him through any other issues from the lack of love and his brother taking off when he needed him the most.
Another great chapter. Had me crying thoroughly again.
The only minor criticism I would have is that you should probably have touched on him being sick here and there later on in the chapter. It's mentioned early on and at the very end, but he's moving, talking and thinking just fine for a good chunk of the chapter. It's only a minor quibble, but I thought it worth noting.
I kind of want to see that dinner from Flurry Hearts perspective. I wonder what was going on through her mind during that time. She obviously was feeling horribly guilty.
Those things that killed more people that all nuclear bombs combined?
Getting filled with fellers in this chapter once again, thanks
Yay
Kieran is taking the first steps of his road to recovery from abuse and neglect. It may be long and hard, but I hope he can heal
On another note, performance anxiety can be Tartarus to deal with; it took me many years to (mostly) overcome it, so I just wanted to say that as long as you enjoy what you write and put your heart into your stories, you will find people who like what you write, and even if others don't, you don't have to let negativity stop you from doing what you enjoy mate: to Tartarus with what others think!
Lots of love, and cheers!
—Ryebuck
Here's hoping there a filly to colt spell out there, usually gender dysphoria fics are either rly crappie or rly fucked up.
Really great chapter! Keep up the good work!
Good chapter :D
I do like how you are portraying Kieran's identity crisis, most HiE's(where the human becomes the pony) don't really portray this part of the story, but ya, any male forced into the body of a filly will probably be struck with Gender Dysphoria, the question is where you will go with it.
Can't wait for the next chapter
I'm really glad this story is going so wholesome and still having Kieran stick to himself. There's always that temptation to just let the world and the others around change the character, but it's nice Kieran is able to set his boundaries and maintain his individuality.
Kieran really needs to go to magic kindergarten, learn to levitate stuff properly. And/or regular kindergarten for equine literacy. He'll probably like being a pony more at that point.
You actually brought tears to my eye's with this chapter. And that's surprisingly hard to do.
11620416
To be fair, only 2 nukes were ever dropped.
I sense foreshadowing
Good chapter! I hope for his sake that he can returned to being a Colt again someday.
No need to apologize for not updating as quickly as before. Many of us readers know that life happens. No need to rush, take your time and enjoy what you write.
Now that the head's coming around (still needs work, but ...), at some point - leaning new skills (and maybe things like that horn or those wings) ...
awesome really sweet chapter, cadance has the patient's of a saint
Love it now its time to form a sister bond
11620476
Not sure if like will be the word. Less frustrated and more accepting is probably closer to it. Being barely able to use his hooves while being an alicorn is probably immensely frustrating.
Extremely good chapter, very nice to see Kieran's gender and body concerns treated seriously. I'm completely hooked at this point.
Best chapter so far
Oh this chapter was great! Especially that wholesome ending. I'm really happy to see Keiran open up to Candace. And to finally spill what he's been bottling up inside for weeks. A great start on to a path of healing.
Ah, the power of talking and communication. A rare gift indeed wielded by both fools and geniuses alike.
Glad K actually broke the silence swiftly enough; getting out of survival mode and trauma like dieing can rarely be done alone.
I’m trying to imagine what it’s like to be hugged for the first time in your life after 16+ years. That’s either going to fix or break you, but probably both…
And now the big question. Should you refer to Kieran as a girl or a boy?
I'm really loving this story so far. Somehow this manages to boop several of my buttons for a great story, and found family stories are especially a weak spot. Eagerly waiting for more~
...that's a good point actually
Let's hope everyone is as understanding as Cadence, but even yet, I am fully convinced that there will be quite a few ponies who won't get the message.
About the dresses, I am certain that she will end up wearing on of Flurry's at least once or twice. However, not through anything malicius, but for example by ending up playing dress up with her, or a lost bet.
Actually, since his body was magically constructed, could that make it more amenable to physical adjustments? We already know the primary reason it's a copy of Flurry is mainly due to the non-specificity of her wish, so maybe something can reasonably be done to re-roll so to speak?
Yes! Accept love fool
11620741
That would require knowing exactly how Flurry did what she did and how exactly how this whole process works in the first place, which I doubt even the best magic users would be aware of. Even Twilight would probably be stumped.
I like how this story is going, but I have to wonder if that can change him into a colt version of Flurry sometime soon. I do believe by turning him back to a male would go a long way to help him. Still he thinks he got problems now just wait till Book horse finds out....
11620664
Kieran says he’s a boy, so boy he is.
11620874
Solid logic. Boy it is…
11620432
This is a drama-focused story, and being struck as a filly doppelganger is one of the said drama.
11620664
Shemale
11620722
If Kieran has the same hairstyle and marks, scars or blemishes as Flurry, especially the state of their hooves, I’d expect their immune systems to be identical as well. Kieran would be a perfect copy of Flurry with just the brain rearranged.
Also, depending on how sick Kieran is, giving him vaccines right now can be a bad idea.
11620509
I looked up how many people were killed by nukes usage and by cars. Every year dies from cars same abount of people as if 13 nukes that were used on Japan were detonated.
11620841
Maybe. But one doesn't need to know molecular physics to re-melt a cast-pewter trinket.
Thanks for the chapter.
Another great chapter, always love seeing this story update.
And know that you aren’t alone in your self doubt, we all go through stuff like that. I know that probably doesn’t make you feel better about it, but just know that you aren’t alone.
And know that I mean it when I say this is one of my favorite stories I’ve ever read.
I’m pulling for you, no matter when or if the chapters come out.
I wonder if there is magic to help him become a male Flurry? That way he can at least heal more mentally
11620741
Now that’s a good magic comment. I definitely see that being the case since his body is magical made so it should probably be possible to change the body?
I honestly hope that he runs away again. Seriously he needs to get away from these people, sure they can help him but I'd rather he be helped by people separate from the royal family instead. Sure the whole found family thing is nice but if you guys haven't noticed him being around them is causing enormous amounts of stress and he doesn't need that he needs someone else. Maybe like a random family and Appaloosa to help him instead of the royal family it would keep stressors away from him as he adjusts. Heck I would say he should go to Kulgetown where there is a practical Monopoly on bipedal species if at least to make him feel more comfortable with them. It would completely remove him from being near ponys allowing him to adjust at his own pace instead of forcing it on him by having him deal with people that look exactly like him in Flurry and her parents. Plus it's also easier to survive year-round in a desert than in a tundra to be honest so even if he has to live on his own for a bit you know?
11622166
That's literally just running away from his problems.
There are a lot of comments here about magical gender change, but easy solutions kill the whole narrative. The drama is much more interesting, which is an important part of why this story has became so popular. It would be much more interesting if it were impossible to change gender, or if the gender change would harm Flurry herself (by changing her gender) and then the main character would face a difficult choice.
11622166
In kludgetown he would be picked up and sold faster then you can say defenceless exotic creature lmao
I wonder if he could be transformed into a bipedal species like the minotaurs or Diamond Dogs... Or at least into a species that has hands like the gryphons or hippogriffs. He could have an amulet that has a transformation spell woven into it's crystallic structure. And if there isn't enough magic to make it work, I would just like to point out the 4 other Alicorns that can chip in to help. Especially the ones that can move celestial bodies around like bouncy balls.
Also, love is not the most powerful emotion, fear is. Yes, you can overcome fear with love, but love can also be corrupted/blinded by fear. But not only is it evil but also necessary for life to exist/grow. Insert Hilda episode: season 2 episode 4 here.(amulet of courage or nofear or something like that)
Also can Kieran become the Alicorn of the hearth? Aka: family and kin? The reasoning is that he(they?) has experienced what it's like to have a bad family and will now experience what it's like to have a healthy/good one. With this knowledge they will truly understand and value what a family is. It is love, comraderee, friendship, loyalty, belonging, concideration for others, learning, life and the home.
This person needs therapy
11622434
The idea here is that he gets away from his problems yes but that he confronts them in a less stressful situation where he can actually be himself without having to deal with the existential problems of being near Flurry Cadance and Shining.