I was floating in a sea of stars. The outreaches of my vision were the endless horizon, incomprehensible magnitudes of distance away. In my unconscious mind, this went without notice; the blinding light of hundreds of stars was nothing new to me. This is where I was in my time before, when I was still dead.
I didn’t know if my experience of being dead meant anything to disprove the idea of an afterlife. I knew the world of Equestria wasn’t the afterlife, even if it was so much nicer than my own. It made me curious: why was I alone drifting in that sea of stars? Why had Flurry been able to not only hear me but also reach out and grab my soul?
What felt like more endless drifting halted when, one by one, the stars began to go out. They would flicker a few times before disappearing into the darkness of eternity. Eventually I came into contact with something to stand on; I was apparently a pony as my hooves contacted the floor. I looked around, and nothing was in sight except endless darkness. "Hello?" My voice echoed.
I turned my head every way to get an idea of where I was, until I turned around and was met with the sight of myself. Human Kieran. His sudden appearance didn’t scare me, but instead caused me to smile. Which my human counterpart did back to me as he sat with his legs crossed in the infinite void. "Hey," He chimed.
I looked up and down with a raised brow, and it really put into perspective how much of a change being a pony was. I was the size of maybe a small to medium-sized dog. Nevertheless, I sat on my haunches and tilted my head. "Hi…" I said slowly.
"Enjoying yourself?" Other Kieran asked.
I pursed my lips and hummed, "That’s a loaded question, me."
He rested his cheek in the palm of his hand as he stared at me with amusement, saying, "Yeah, I guess it is." He brought his other hand up to caress his chin thoughtfully. "I guess a better question is, are you happier?"
I opened my mouth and closed it once again as I really thought about that question, "Happier than what? Happier to be in Equestria? I guess-" I stopped myself before I said the wrong thing. I furrowed my brow, "No, I- I liked being a human, I liked being a boy, I liked-" The thought suddenly invaded my mind as I realized… I had no other attachments to my past life. It made a feeling of pain wash through me that I couldn’t describe.
Human me watched with what looked to be pity, and I struggled to answer such a simple question. "No, I’m not happier. I can’t even sleep by myself without my anxiety crawling up my spine and turning me into a quivering mess."
Human Kieran frowned, setting his hand in his lap and leaning forward, "Really? Is it really that awful that you’d rather go back to living alone and scraping meals together each night?"
"No," I huffed angrily and clicked my tongue as I looked away from him, "Why do you get to play the high ground in this conversation? You’re the one that went through all that!" I countered.
"We’re not two different people, Kieran." He commented back to me. "I’m you, and you’re me."
I rolled my eyes and crossed my hooves over each other, "Well, obviously, thanks Sherlock."
Human me laughed, "Sorry, it just seems you had forgotten!" I was growing a bit annoyed by this copy of me. Since when was I ever that happy? I don’t remember having such a wide smile all the time or having such a positive outlook.
"Well, you don’t remember those times because you’re still hung up on what happened to you." The human me replied to my thoughts.
I recoiled a bit in confusion as I scowled at him. "What? I… Right, we’re the same person." I huffed. I mulled over what he said: "I’ve come to terms with what Damon did. I’ve already accepted what those two were using me for."
"But you haven’t really." He retorted. "Which is fine; I’m not here to tell you to stop being upset."
"Then what are you here for?" I asked a bit angrily.
He smiled again and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "The confusion and distrust you have over your new body, these new emotions that you want to reject… You’ll only hurt yourself in the long run."
I rubbed a hoof on my other leg as it quickly continued, "I think, clouded by all these other things, you’re not understanding that you could be a part of something that you’ve wanted for so long, if you’d only give it a chance."
"And what’s that?" I asked wearily, with an unsureness in my words, as I looked down at my hooves.
"A family."
.
..
…
I looked back up, and the human version of me was gone.
"Kieran? Kieran!" I hummed a bit as I opened my eyes, the first thing entering my vision being Luna’s concerned face, surprisingly.
"W-Wha… Luna?" I asked curiously as I sat up, now a human. We were in a random dreamscape field, under a tree, with a sea of stars above. I stared down at my arms and legs curiously for a few more moments before she spoke.
"I was trying to talk to you all night; I couldn't enter your dream!" She seemed a bit panicked by this. "It was like you were blocking me out."
I shook my head wildly, "I didn't, Luna. I honestly don't know what happened."
She sighed before sitting down and wrapping a wing around my side. She grew a devious grin upon her features. "So… You’ve got a new home." She began with a giddy air about her.
I just released a short laugh: "I… I was sort of forced into it, but it hasn’t been bad."
She nodded. "Cadance has told me all about your stay so far."
I felt a bit of embarrassment crawl up my spine. "A-All of it?"
Her devious grin spread a bit wider as she hugged me tighter. "All about it." She reiterated, "It seems somebody is quite fond of the "wicked pink witch," as you used to call Cadance."
My face went bright red as I averted my face as far as possible and said, "Only because she is so nice." I grumbled under my breath.
She giggled, "Oh, come now," she encouraged, "she’s a wonderful mare, I’ve told you. My best evidence? You’re letting me, the infamous night demon, hug you. Only a true princess of love could change someone’s perspective so easily."
I looked back over at her, finally dawning on me that I didn’t even blink when she wrapped her wing around me in a hug. I was usually quite apprehensive of Luna, but now that she was holding me quite like Cadance does, I hadn’t reacted. "Will you push me away now?" She asked with a raised brow.
With a small huff, I shook my head, "She is pretty amazing." I admitted.
Luna smiled and clapped her hooves together a couple times, causing me to blush even harder. When she finally stopped, she thankfully changed the subject. "Cadance told me all about your magic issue." She said a lot more seriously.
I nodded. "It’s honestly not a big deal. I didn’t have magic before; I don’t need it now."
"Yes, but not being able to grip things?" She sighed. "That’s not good, little one."
I rested my head on my hand, "I know. It really annoys me too. Among other things…"
Luna looked at me as her eyes seemed to search for something to say, until finally she nudged my side. "Fear not, my little pony. Come hearth’s warming, every fully developed alicorn will be in the Crystal Empire. And maybe… hopefully." Luna stopped and gave me a reassuring smile. "We can get you a body that better suits you."
She noticed my eyes brighten, and she averted her eyes. "Due to the unprecedented nature of things, we may not be able to fulfill that wish; however, we will try our hardest."
"Thank you, Luna. It still means a lot." I said with an appreciative smile. For a much longer time, we sat there and watched the stars move and shoot in the sky nonsensically. "What’s your sister like? And Twilight. Isn’t she like the ruler of Equestria?"
Luna huffed a short laugh, "My sister Celestia might scare you at first, but she’s very kind, I promise you that. Ever since we’ve retired, she’s taken up photography quite heavily; you might find her asking you many times to pose for pictures."
I hummed curiously, "Photography? Isn’t exactly what I would expect the previous ruler of Equestria to take up as a hobby."
Luna’s face fell a bit before she got a melancholic smile. "She told me it was the most powerful magic of all. Being able to capture a moment that will never again be seen. Being able to look back so easily on those we cherish. Especially when so much time passes in our lifetime."
I thought about what she said, and it made perfect sense. Being the ruler of Equestria for thousands of years, she’s probably seen a lot of people and places fade away into time. I imagine memory, after so many years, becoming a tapestry of all the things you’ve lost. It was a haunting thought.
"Twilight," Luna continued trying to answer my question, "Is the youngest fully developed alicorn, but by no means should you underestimate her. She’s proven her worth by saving Equestria many times and exhibiting such an understanding of friendship that it makes me jealous." Luna laughed to herself, "But personally, she’s a little bit scatterbrained sometimes, and she’s enamored by magic to an extraordinary and frightening degree."
She looked at me, "I apologize in advance for the intense questioning and examination she’ll beg to do on you." She said with a sincere apology.
I waved my hand dismissively, "I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already. If some weird alien appeared in my home world made of magic, he’d probably be dissected within a week."
Luna stuck her tongue out, "Eww, what benefit would such a task bring?"
I shrugged and put my arms behind my head. "Nothing, just humans being themselves. They make cool stuff, but they do bad things in the process most of the time."
Luna’s ear twitched, and she looked up, "It’s time to wake, Kieran. Have a good day, little one." She gave me a nuzzle.
I allowed her the satisfaction as the dream began to fade: "Bye Luna!"
I woke up in the waking world. My eyes forced themselves open as I released a long yawn. It took my eyes a moment to adjust, and the first thing I saw was Cadance smiling. "Morning, sleepy," she said softly.
As my consciousness returned, I realized she was sitting up in bed with me wrapped in a blanket. She was holding me towards her body as she used her magic to levitate a book in front of herself. I blushed wildly. "Morning Cadance," I muttered, my voice coming out odd as I sniffled to clear my nose.
She giggled. "Did you know you drool when you sleep?"
I blushed even more as I covered my face with the blanket. "Sorry, nobody’s home; ask again later." I said.
"You know, a pacifier would fix that issue." Cadance teased.
At once, I pulled the covers away from my face and glared. "Put one of those near my face, and I will end you!" I said defiantly.
She giggled and pulled me in for a quick nuzzle. "I’m just playing, silly. How about we go get you some medicine and see what’s for breakfast?"
She unwrapped me from the blanket, and I stretched my limbs as they touched the bed. "That sounds like a better idea." I replied with a smile.
After breakfast, we were all lounging around the living room fireplace. The cold weather made the warmth all the sweeter. I was currently resting on the couch against Cadance’s side as I watched Flurry with a bemused expression as she played a game with Shining on the carpet below. "And… Miss Sugar said if I can… finish the beginner course." She breathed heavily in between bouts of trying to tag Shining. But shining was using a pillow to deflect the small filly with ease. "That I’ll be able to join the choir next year!"
Cadance smiled as she looked up past her reading glasses as she held the newspaper. "That’s great, Flurry!"
Flurry scrambled up onto the couch and wiggled her rump a few times before lunging overhead. But clearly Shining was a master at this game, as he perfectly balanced the filly in midair with the pillow. Even as she rapidly tried to swipe downward at his legs to tag him. Shining smirked up at her and asked, "And what about that book report for Mrs. Amber Light?"
For a moment she stopped swiping and collapsed on the pillow with a groan. "Four paragraphs, but the book is sooo~ boring! I’d rather jump out a window."
I huffed a laugh at that, saying, "I understand. And honestly, jumping out of a window isn’t that bad."
Flurry smirked widely at me as Cadance glanced down with a raised brow, "If that bush hadn’t been there, you’d be a flat little pony pancake right now." She said, trying to hold her smile in, "And if either one of you jumps out another window, there’ll be no video games for an entire year… If you’re still around after the fact."
"A year!?" Flurry said in astonishment as Shining poked her from behind. She whipped around, "Hey! That means you’re it!"
Shining laughed, "Nope, you've gotta tag me. With your own two hooves!"
As they played, I looked up at Cadance as she set aside her newspaper and reading glasses. "What’s school like in Equestria?"
She pursed her lips, "First, you find a schoolhouse or teacher that teaches all three main subjects: Math, history, and language. Then, if you want, she can redirect you to certain extra classes you can take. Magic, music, sports, art, friendship… It’s a long list."
"Got you!" Flurry called.
"Get back here!" Shining laughed playfully.
"Friendship is a class?" I asked her in surprise.
Cadance giggled, "There’s a whole school of friendship. Because ponies used to not associate much with the other races, like griffons and changelings-"
"There’s griffons?" I said with barely contained excitement as I put a hoof to my head, "This place is crazier by the second." I huffed.
She nodded with a look of amusement. "You’ve still got a lot to learn, little one."
I thought about it a bit more: "Am I going to the same school as Flurry?" Which seemed to make Flurry gasp in excitement from wherever she was hiding from Shining.
Cadance hummed to herself, placing a hoof to her chin in thought, "I think… you might be better off with a private teacher." She looked at me comfortingly, "After all, history and language didn’t carry over between worlds. Math might have…"
"What’s your number system like?" I asked curiously as a bit of dread crawled up my spine.
"We use numbers one through nine. And it resets to one zero, or ten." She explained.
An unprecedented sigh escaped my lips as I relaxed into the couch much more. "Okay, good."
"You know it?" She wondered.
I nodded. "I was hoping you ponies didn’t use a different set of numbers; that would’ve been a nightmare."
"I bet it would." She agreed, saying, "Little things like that being different must be so scary, like losing the ability to read." She frowned a bit as she looked at me worriedly. "I could teach you history and language; I’ve never tried, but… it shouldn’t be too hard."
I leaned into her side, "I’d like that." She hugged me tighter with her wing and nuzzled my head.
"Got you again!" Shining teased.
"No fair! Pick on someone your own size!" She called back.
Shining came back to the couch, jumping up on my other side. He leaned down with a chuckle, "If she wants a fair fight, why don’t you show her who’s boss, Kieran?"
I looked up at him and smirked, as we both seemed to agree. I jumped down onto the floor as Flurry rounded the corner. "Daddy, I’m gonna-"
I ran to the other side of the couch and stuck my tongue out, "He tagged out; now it’s my turn to beat you." I said confidently.
She raised her eyebrow and walked slowly. "Oh, really? Old man finally retired, huh?"
"Hey…" Shining said a bit dejectedly from above us.
As she approached she began to feel me out for how I liked to play tag. I was never the fastest, so I opted for more deception tactics. Making the tagger trip or become confused was always the best defense. Once she was close enough, she stared at me with squinted eyes before suddenly jabbing her hoof forward.
I recoiled away and smirked at her; she did it again, and I dodged again. She lowered herself and stretched her wings. "Oh, it’s on!" She said.
"Good luck!" I said as I bolted behind the couch.
She giggled, "Get back here!"
She ended up winning pretty handily at tag, but it was still a fun time.
In the midst of me catching my breath while playing tag, there was a knock at the door to the living quarters. Flurry stopped just short of tackling me and looked up curiously with a head tilt before running over. I got up on my hooves and followed behind her slightly.
Flurry grabbed hold of the door handle with her magic and opened it slowly. At the entrance were two guards wearing armor I’d yet to see. Most guards in the castle wore silver and white armor that looked like it hadn’t been scuffed since it was made. With Roman-esque helmets that forced their mane through the top.
But these two were wearing much more ragged armor, made of leather and iron. It looked to be used much more than the other type. I vaguely recognized one of them as the earth pony guard, who had a scar over his eye. With dark brown fur and a red mane, his one good eye was brown, while his other was murky white and likely blind. He was super muscular compared to the other guards I’d seen; he looked like someone not to be messed with.
The one next to him I didn’t immediately recognize. He was an average-looking unicorn guard, wearing just a bit shinier armor than the former. He had dark gray, almost black fur, and his mane was a mix of dark purple and lighter purple. Unlike his friend, he seemed to wear a permanent scowl.
As the door opened, Flurry immediately lunged forward and hugged the brown one’s leg. "Bristle!"
He chuckled, "Hello Flurry." He looked up at me, "And Kieran, how are you?"
This was Sergeant Bristle, the one who answered the call on the crystal device yesterday. I felt my face heat up in embarrassment as I nodded, "Um... good, sir."
He waved his hoof towards the darker pony and said, "This is my Corporal, Smoke Strike."
The introduction seemed to be more of an annoyance to the unicorn than anything else: "Pleasure…" He seemed to force it out.
Flurry smiled up at him, "Hey Smoky!"
"I told you to stop calling me that," The unicorn said with a slight groan.
Bristle looked around and asked, "Would you little ones happen to know where your parents are? We need to talk to Shining Armor."
Flurry detached herself and ran a few feet away, "Oh, yes. I’ll go get Daddy! I think he’s in the bathroom."
She bounded off, and Bristle’s eyes widened. "Wait, Flurry! It’s not that important!" He chuckled as he followed after her quickly.
So I was left awkwardly sitting on the ground next to Smoke Strike. I felt sort of wary of him, just based on his permanent scowl and the frown he currently wore on his face. He looked considerably less annoyed when it came to Flurry, but now that it was just us…
"Have you got something to say?" His abrupt and harsh voice said.
I looked up at him in shock and shook my head quickly. "N-No sir…"
"Then stop staring," He huffed. "You’d think that’d be the first bit of manners they’d teach you."
He grumbled to himself, and for a second, I almost thought I caught him calling me an "impudent whelp" under his breath. It surprised me, but I guess not everyone in the lands of Equestria was entirely nice.
I felt my anxiety heighten as I sat there, not wanting to be rude but rather wanting to change the subject. I looked up at him again, "So, what do you do in the guard?" I asked with genuine curiosity.
"I’m a guard," he said, rolling his eyes. "We guard things."
I averted my gaze as his intense look met mine. "Oh, yeah, of course…" I tapped one of my hooves nervously and asked, "W-What kind of things do you guard?"
He growled quietly, "Frivolous and pointless things."
I felt my heart sink lower by the second. "Oh, well, I think it’s a cool job." I said with a smile.
"You didn’t act like it when you were calling my soldiers names in the streets." He replied with a snort.
I lowered my head in shame, "I’m sorry."
I had a hard time keeping my nerves under check now. "I didn’t hurt any of them too bad, did I?"
He rolled his eyes again and said, "We’ve taken care of it. Now, are you done questioning me?"
I felt his harsh gaze on my back as I nodded, and I felt my legs trembling. One of my legs seemed to move on its own, and I grabbed it with my other hoof. I really wanted to just run to Cadance and stay with her, but I’d never get anywhere being so reliant on others. ‘Come on, don’t be a baby.’ I scolded myself inwardly.
I forced a fake smile onto my face, "The castle is really cool, don’t you think?"
He held his head up higher and growled before lowering it to my level: "Listen, let me make myself perfectly clear, little filly." He spat.
"I-I’m not a-" I began shakily.
"You are." He cut me off quickly: "When a superior tells you to stop questioning them like an annoyance, you listen. Got it?" I recoiled from his harsh look of anger.
"Y-Yes sir." I mumbled as I felt tears well up in my eyes.
He jerked his head upward, "Run along now and work on your manners." He scoffed.
I nodded rapidly and ran away from him and the doorway, my heart beating so quickly I thought my chest would pop. I searched around the house in a panic until I finally saw Cadance curled up in the living room with her book. I ran forward and jumped up; thankfully, Cadance’s reaction time was quick, as she caught me as I barreled into her chest.
She set her book down and quickly wrapped me in a hug. "Kieran, honey, what’s wrong?" she asked in surprise.
Not caring how she knew it was me and not Flurry, I finally let loose my tears into her chest fur. "One of the guards… h-he…"
"He what, honey?" She asked with a bit of alarm.
"He… scared me." I admitted quite hesitantly. She seemed to relax slightly.
"Who was it? Bristle?" Cadance asked carefully.
I shook my head. "His name was Smoke Strike."
Cadance sighed deeply and seemed to grumble to herself, "I’ve told Shining time and time again to get his attitude in check. We’ve gotten complaints about him before. Smoke really doesn’t mean to look so off-putting and sound rude; he’s just not the nicest stallion at first."
There was something about the way he talked to me specifically that felt a lot more personal and cruel. He hadn’t even talked that way to Flurry. Maybe it was all just my anxiety getting to me and making me think he was being ruder than he actually was. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d panicked from anxiety and overreacted. I’d done it last night when I thought they'd abandoned me.
Cadance continued to hold me close and stroke my back. "I’ll tell Shining to talk to him about it again, alright? It’s okay, little one."
I nodded and took in her warmth and embrace as my worries and fears washed away. Cadance was like a lifeline in a sea of confusion and scariness, and I didn’t care what it looked like as I nestled into her side as I calmed down. Her steady breathing against my body brought great comfort.
Once Cadance was sufficiently happy with how much I’d calmed down, she brought her book back out and began reading. I closed my eyes and took it in for now. I felt myself drifting off, but it didn’t last long.
Flurry came barreling into the living room, "Momma, have you seen- Oh, there he is!"
"Flurry, please," Cadance sighed, "Speak a bit quieter, love. I think Kieran was trying to sleep."
I hummed, "It’s okay."
"I’m tired too," Flurry said as she hopped up on Cadance’s other side. "Momma, can we read that new book we started?"
Cadance glanced down at me, and Flurry grew more excited. "Oh, can we start over so Kieran understands it? We were only like thirty chapters in!"
Cadance giggled as she put her own book away again. "That's a wonderful idea, honey. Go grab it."
She dashed off and, not much longer afterward, came back hovering a large book. The cover had three foals on some sort of adventure. Flurry handed it off and nestled close to Cadance’s other side. Cadance cleared her throat as she flipped it open and read, starting from the first page.
"A dark and stormy night washed across the rocky mountain landscape, and a young intrepid foal…"
Sunburst opened the door to the outside slowly, almost being knocked back inside by the heavy winds. Upon taking a step out, he let a shiver run through his body, the snow still reaching above his fetlocks. The sun was shining quite brightly today, which was melting the otherwise monstrous piles of snow on the sides of the street.
It was weather like this that made Sunburst appreciate the fact he always wore a cloak. The frigid weather of the Crystal Empire always seemed so cold and harsh until he thought of his friends living here, which made a warmth grow in his body. He looked up towards the castle, illuminating the city. Like a beacon of hope in what would usually be considered a snowy wasteland.
So he began his trek forward into the streets with a heavy breath of fresh air and… "Sunburst!!!"
He halted in his tracks in alarm, dropping his saddlebag as he turned towards the voice in confusion. His mother, Stellar Flare, and father, Sunspot, were running up behind him. His mother spoke in offense: "You were just going to see Flurry and Cadance without taking us?" She quivered her lips playfully.
Sunspot hung his head slightly and said, "He’s got better things to do this holiday without us, honey."
Sunburst put a hoof to his face before releasing a short laugh and a huff. "If you wanted to come, you should’ve just told me."
Stellar walked up to his side, "We thought it’d be obvious." She waited for a moment as Sunburst picked up his saddlebags, "Well, don’t keep the royal family waiting, dear." She urged him as she began to pull him along.
When they arrived at the entrance, they were let in quite quickly, with a few guards recognizing Sunburst. Giving them a quick nod of appreciation, Sunburst took a rather familiar path inward through the castle. Looking around made him sigh, with old memories flooding his mind.
"I will never get over how beautiful this place is." His mother chimed.
Sunspot nodded in agreement, "Judging by Sunburst’s face, neither can he."
Sunburst looked back momentarily and said, "Of course, this was my home for a while. But I am slightly more excited to see my friends."
They got to the last long hallway and could see two guards leaving the home. As they neared, Sunburst smiled widely, "Sergeant Bristle!"
Bristle stopped his conversation with Smoke Strike to look over in astonishment and ask, "Is that you, Sunburst?" He chuckled jovially as he walked up and patted his back, making Sunburst almost lose his glasses. "I haven’t seen you in forever."
Sunburst laughed and fixed his vision: "Yes, it’s been quite a long time." He turned and gestured to his parents, "These are my parents, Sunspot and Stellar Flare. Mom, Dad, this is Bristle. The best royal guard in the kingdom."
"Pleasure," Bristle said with a bowed head.
Smoke cleared his throat. "At least wait until I’m gone before saying these things." Smoke held a look of amusement.
Bristle laughed even harder. "Smoke, you’ve got big horseshoes to fill if you replace me." He said while patting his back.
Smoke barely held himself up from the force: "Yes, well, that’s what you’re here to train me for."
"Anyhow, what’s got you back in the castle?" Bristle asked.
Sunburst hummed, "I’m not sure if it’s confidential information, but the short version is that I’m here to examine Kieran."
Bristle nodded his head heavily, "Oh, of course." He smiled.
Sunburst watched as Smoke turned his head away from everyone. Not before seeing his small smile turn into a large grimace. "Well, I’ll leave you to it. Was nice seeing you." Bristle commented before trotting off.
"You too…" Sunburst spoke slowly, raising an eyebrow at the sudden mood shift of his compatriot. He sensed something in that moment about the unicorn’s magic, shifting into a more hostile feeling. Only a small amount of which caused Sunburst’s spine to chill.
His concentration was cut as his mother grabbed him by the hoof again, "You’re staring off into space again, honey, and we’re only a few paces away from the door."
He looked back forward as if suddenly coming out of a trance. "Huh? Oh yes, of course."
But something about the stallion stuck in his mind; he didn’t like the sudden dark emotion behind his magic. And it flared up at such a peculiar time. Of course, it could’ve just been the guard thinking he noticed something fishy, Sunburst admitted inwardly. But hostility of that degree, so sudden, usually had a relatable cause.
His thoughts ran rampant as he knocked on the large door, only to be met with a gasp and a pink filly barreling into his chest at incredible speed, knocking him back onto his flank. "Sunburst!" The filly squealed.
That cry of joy made him forget his previous thoughts as he hugged the filly back. "Hiya," he chimed back with a small chuckle.
This version is much better. Everything feels much more natural.
I didn't mind the previous version as much, but I do like this one better!
Well done!!
Ooh, someone's harboring a grudge! Someone sick the thought police on him!
Rather unsurprised at least some folks are unamused that a major portion of excitement in the Empire for the last months was just taken in without apparent repercussion. Even so, sticks in the mud are useful for many things.
Who's saying you need to make a power fantasy anon character? Just because that's the default HiE template for teenage authors doesn't mean that's what people want.
This is much better. The cliff hanger ending of a sort works wonders to keep reader interest! Also, after Kieran ran to Candace I think I like him more? Oh! I also really digged the human scene in the beginning. It added a nice element of intrigue that ran through out the chapter. What will happen? I wonder... hmm...
After reading the previous version and now this one, I feel I couldn't properly enjoy this one as much even though it's objectively the better chapter (Touches on the same presented story beats, adds more plot hooks which are relevant, doesn't make characters hold an idiot stick) as I kept looking for differences and what's the same.
Still, it's nice that Kieran can go to Cadence for emotional support and his worries aren't cast aside and it's nice to see him play too, very warm and fuzzy feeling.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
The new version have a Better "dream part" and Is more Natural, but i love the original conversation with Smoke Strike and Is justified hate toward Kierlan
I don't think that the real problem is that your character isn't the classical badass, smug, all powerful Anon stereotype.
For me at least, the reason why I don't connect well with your character is that I hate reading about self-loathing, self-deprecating, "woe is me", "everything is my fault", MC's.
Sometimes a little bit self-deprecation and self-doubt can enhance the story and character, but if its chapter after chapter after chapter of reading about a character going on and on and on about how they are the most useless and worthless piece of scum to ever grace the planet. About how no one will ever love them, they are a burden on others, people will always abandon them, blah, blah, blah, etc. It can be incredibly grating sometimes.
The reason why some people don't like your character is simple:
It's a miserable experience to read about a character that is miserable all the time.
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Sorry if it came off that way. Maybe I'm just speaking from a place of frustration at a trend that I have noticed about authors making their main characters self-loathing punching bags. I definitely think that your story is on the tamer side of that sort of thing. It just reminded me very strongly of those frustrating reads.
I do think that you have a good story. It's well written and one of the few ongoing stories whose updates I look forward to, but your MC constantly being miserable and thinking that he is worthless is a big problem (potentially only probem) that I have with your story.
Don't know why you rewrote it but i do agree that this one is better, also one minor mistake i noticed
To be weary is to be tired
to be wary is to be cautious
i like this one better then smoke assulting kieran and getting away with it. This one also shows how kieran is relaxing into his new situation and even trusts cadence enough to seek her out when distressed. i wish this little guy the best
Yeah this version is way better.
Aw man I really liked the aunt Luna bit and seeing her squee like that.
I find MC’s portrayal very compelling: used to being downtrodden, comfortable in simple, doggedly self reliant, experienced death and great betrayal, scared of either happening again, lost in a brand new and mysterious and wondrous world, teetering on the edge of hope and abandon.
I can see benefits to both renditions of the antagonist. Before, he was a little more aggressive and lucky which put pressure on MC in good and bad ways. Having a villain you know can force you into difficult situations but you have some ability to see what’s happening and counteract to some extent. Now, he’s more calculating, hidden, and menacing which will make MC less guarded and unaware unless Smoke gets arrogant or makes a mistake.
I think the game of tag was a nice touch to help the sisters start their journey together. MC definitely needs Cadence’ influence to grow and heal, but I predict Shining will become an important influence once MC’s emotional state heals and is ready to start building up again.
really nice chapter
I'm enjoying the story, when you break through the hard outer shell of someone who's been very defensive and solitary, they will usually break down alot and be very vulnerable.
Hope that aunt Luna comes back personally, Luna's reaction to that was wholesome.
Did I miss something? Or is there no reason given anywhere why Smoke Strike hates Kieran?
I didn't get to read the previous version but this was great. Kieran is interesting, the looming threat is strong, and the general quality of the writing and pacing are good.
I didn't get to read the original chapter. I didn't get to see what the original reason for Smoke Strike being angry was and I think several comments spoke about it. Can someone tell me what it was?
WOOOO!!
I kinda like where this story is going and I myself like the mc and how everyone's doing things in story exept for that one guy....something is VERY off with him...but then again he is probably going g to be a plot point from how I know these story's go...
Didn't get to read the original version but this one's very well done!
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It was something along the line of his actions during his time escaping the guard caused Smoke Strike to lose out on a promotion. I forget the exact specifics.
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In the earlier days Kieran regularly bobytrapped the guards and stuff back when he was still on the run.
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Also, in the previous version of this chapter it was stated that Smoke lost a promotion because of what Kieran did. Not sure if that's going to be the same story in this new version of the chapter, but it's possible.
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This isn't a binary choice. There is a middle ground between having a character getting over their issues instantly and having a character wallow in misery and self-loathing for the entire duration of the story.
It isn't that Kieran isn't allowed to feel traumatised or betrayed, but the problem comes in when your story becomes a never-ending pity-party.
This isn't an attack. This isn't hate reading. I'm not writing this out of spite or malice. I like the majority of what you have written, but I do have problems with your characterisation of your MC. Which is why I'm trying to bring those concerns to your attention.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and maybe you'll just write me off as a single disgruntled reader, but in your Author's Note, you wanted to know why people didn't like Kieran. I'm just explain why, from my own perspective, I didn't like kieran.
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I'm not even arguing with you, I got disliked into the gutters and about 5 likes on my story turned to dislikes after I made that comment. So clearly your opinion is the much more popular one. I also know that you have a rather popular ongoing story, so I'm not trying to start any kind of argument and I'm not angry at you. (But I guess our mutual readers are pissed at me now! Haha fun!) I was mostly using your comment as a gauge for others who feel the same as you do. And I just... don't understand the sentiment?
I'm helplessly confused and wondering why people are even reading all the way to chapter 8 if they hate Kieran. The story is about Kieran, there's is nothing else of value, and nothing else going on other then Kieran. I've given readers no reason to continue reading if they didn't like Kieran in the earlier chapters. And if someone is going to say, "He's been stuck pitying himself for too long" It's literally only been 2 days since the story started. And Kieran has literally been getting better each chapter. Literally 4 chapters ago, Kieran was refusing all help. I don't know what else to do in this case? How much faster am I expected to force his recovery along? The story is literally just about Kieran and his path of healing and learning to trust again. Some people somehow got all the way to chapter 8 without realizing that and are getting upset.
But if you want my actual opinion, then I disagree entirely with the notion that Kieran only throws himself pity parties and wallows in his own misery. (Which even if he did, is entirely reasonable given the circumstance.) This isn't some adventure-romance-mystery-whatever, it's slice of life focused on a broken kid...
But hey, let me analyze my own chapters and try to find this pity party that apparently plagues the story.
Chapter 8: Kieran gets upset after Smoke insults him. (Not pity)
Chapter 7: Kieran has a panic attack due to his anxiety. (He calls himself stupid once while in the midst of his anxiety attack so there's pity point number 1)
Chapter 6: No pity happens.
Chapter 5: The first time he's had a breakdown over changing species, worlds, gender. (But yeah let's ding the pity point counter again.)
Chapter 4 and below are one continuous storyline of fear and betrayal to set up the reasoning for the rest of the story.
Now, it might just be me, but I really don't see the pity part personally? 2 times he pities himself, if we want to get really technical. But calling it strictly a pity party makes a lot less sense if I start comparing it to everything that he has improved on in those same chapters. I'll count up starting at 4.
Chapter 4: He begrudgingly allows Cadance to calm him.
Chapter 5: He doesn't directly say he trust her, but finally accepts that it's his own fear, and that they truly wish to help him.
Chapter 6: He spends the entire chapter practically reflecting and cheering up Flurry.
Chapter 7: He trusts them enough to sort of act like a regular foal.
Chapter 8: He actively seeks out Cadance when he realized his anxiety attack is coming.
I don't feel I need to say much else. If you think Kieran's been doing nothing but wallow in self-hate and misery, I'm not going to be able to change your mind. There's a reason I put a focus on him and Flurry, and him and Cadance. It's because I do actually recognize that if the story was only about Kieran's trauma it'd get boring. But trying to tell me that the trauma should already be sorted through is naive. And I'd say to expect anything more from him is wildly unrealistic. This entire thing just feels like a glass half-empty vs glass half-full situation. If you're going through things IRL and Kieran's struggle is making you upset personally, then please don't read. A story isn't worth your mental health.
You've either not been able to see any improvement in Kieran's actions and thought process throughout the story, or you're purposefully ignoring them just because you don't like stories about people recovering from trauma. Both intentions are honestly a little insulting and disheartening to say the least. Either way, I'm not going to talk anymore about this subject now. I've said my piece.
TLDR: Agree to disagree, I'm not angry, just confused.
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I think 'agree to disagree' is a good resolution to this discussion. We just have different interpretations of Kieran's personality and level of self-pity. Some of this may be a gap in how the two of us understand Kieran's mind.
You are the author. You have a perfect understanding of Kieran's mind and what goes on in it. His justifications, his rationales and his motivations. We don't, we can only form an opinion on Kieran based on what you have written. But how you intend to write a character isn't always how they are interpreted as being. Something was lost in translation. Between your mind, to your words, to our interpretation of your words. Like a game of Telephone, the intended message isn't the final message.
As for why your comment was disliked so hard. It probably came across to most readers as you condescendingly dismissing constructive, good-faith criticism as nothing more than hate reading or you taking criticism in poor grace and that rubbed people the wrong way. That may not be what you intended. But as we already discussed, what you intend isn't the same as what it is interpreted to be.
Seems like Smokey is a guard in training.
This suggests potential for dark magic, and if this is not sorted out, it could lead to a new antagonist further on. Sunburst seems to have the best understanding of what is going on here, but Shining Armour and Princess Cadence might overlook this or not take Smokey's deep rooted hate seriously and just tell him off for scaring Kieren. "could have just been" discredits it being dark magic as it normalises the occurrence of .
I haven't read chapter 8, so I don't know how this was handled previously.
In terms of the theme of trauma discussed in the comments, I might add a bit to that. First of all, I have no problems with it's use in the story. It's a strong topic that can add a lot of interest to a story and its protagonist if understood. The main thing about it is that its used in a lot of stories. I don't think its overdone in this story, but some readers may be feeling a little burnout from the sheer quantity of stories in the genre recently. I've been following quite a few of them. Character self-healing can be a primary focus of a story, but I wouldn't recommend making it "the only" primary focus. This story has a few other focuses that could be considered primary, such as Kieren's magic troubles and general family fluff, with the potential for more (such as schooling and Smokey's arc) being hinted at.
Also, I relate a lot Kieren and Smokey's interaction in this chapter. I know he's not actually called Smokey, but I'm still going to call him that. Also, as always, I look forward to the next chapter.
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I think you might not be the type of person this story is for. Everything Flygon laid out as an example was perfectly obvious to me as a reader, and I'd even go as far as to say Flygon missed a few points where Kieran has improved. And there has definitely been a noticeable decline in sadness/depression. And I don't know the first thing about writing, lol.
I'd be a bit upset as the author too, since you haven't really provided a single example to illustrate what you mean. You just keep insulting his character and calling him a sad sack, and I imagine an author would obviously become attached to the characters they create and write about. I personally haven't seen all the doom and gloom you say is throughout the story. I came here to find family fluff, and sure, Kieran is in a little bit of a rut, but he actively makes strides to be the best pony he can with how much is on his plate.
Is the story perfect? No, none of the stories on fimfiction really are. It's fanfic, not Shakespeare. I've seen some really awful stories with pitiful main characters in my time, and this one isn't one of them.
i can definitely see why you rewrote this chapter. the guard striking keiran was a little out of left field, especially since that is without a doubt, a career ending move. especially once cadance sees the bruise. i'm not entirely sure what the plan is for hearthswarming, given the implied presence of the "fully formed alicorns" being able to help our little flurry clone. but i would be all for either stabilization of his magic or turning him into a male version of flurry. i think cadance adopting him officially would be awesome. especially once the risk of him exploding is mitigated.
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man, its like im reading manhwa comments here. lol, most of them have the same problem and are forgetting that it is stuff put up for 'free' on webtoons.
Maybe, but in this case I'm not so sure
Thanks for the chapter.
Man? How odd.
I like the addition of the Sunburst part, makes the chapter a bit longer.
A trend I've noticed is that Kieran is getting more foalish as the chapters progress, almost like a regression of their mental state to a more vulnerable, childlike one. Hm. I've seen it before on another story and didn't really like it, but I'll stick it out in this story to see how things progress.
Now that the shell has been broken, it's time to see how he grows.
Some people are always going to dislike what you write, unfortunately.
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I don't think I'd even describe Kieran as self loathing at all. The kid has anxiety and a pretty natural reaction to himself having anxiety in his frustration with it. It just feels weird that you're going on a story specifically written about overcoming trauma and then complaining that the protagonist is a traumatized child.
I'm enjoying this story. It is (at times) a difficult read due to the story's early subject matter and circumstances. But the prose and flow are well done. And I feel like the characters are being portrayed very well.
Especially since the protagonist is a child, and not a well-adjusted adult. I find it fascinating to read what a child would do in this situation and how would a child would cope with being betrayed by the only family he had left.
I'm also intrigued about the the male mind of a child being stuck in a female body. It's fascinating to see what kind of solutions are being presented (or are going to be presented) or if the only solution is to "just deal with it."
Smoke seems like an asshole but then, we haven't had much in the way of antagonism (since being murdered). Us, being fans of the show, pretty much understand the Cadence would be loving and accepting no matter what.
Smoke is the first time a pony outside of their family/friends showed his true feelings, especially since Kieran caused him so much trouble. It's understandable that Smoke doesn't care about his feelings, and doesn't want to put up with any more of his shit.
It'll be interesting to see where this dynamic goes.
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na he got rimaru's methord of dying and wishing to live while bleeding out. less sudden death like truck-kun but seems to give the person alot more potental and strenght in the long run
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Ah, yes, the classic knife-kun.
I love it
To quote Hades in Disney's Hercules,
Acthually, there are theveral thingth. Finding out Genetic informathion, pothible applicathionsth, what to do if more crop up, there are MANY thingth that could be gleaned.
Tbh, my mother is rather fond of a Sleepy Story at times.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtOOJcon2npC5P3aebUzKpQ
#nowgoawaykid
Well I can see Smoke being quite a problem in the future and Bristle having to wait a little longer to retire
Did he become human mid convo?
My reading comprehension must be completely gone at this point, because I've completely missed him turning human in the Dreamscape.
They still could; she said they use 1-9, not what the numbers in between are. Who knows, maybe Derf is real in this universe.