Anon’s weird day
“What in my Sun’s name we’re you thinking!!!???” Celestia’s Royal Canterlot voice echoed through the crystal palace.
“What? So I like mixing fresco with wensleydale. It’s not that weird” Anon defended the combination of cheeses on his cracker.
“That isn’t what I’m talking about Anon!” Celestia stated.
“Although thou do deserve to be banished to the moon for that” Luna stated.
“I’m talking about that… THING you set off near Ponyville” Celestia explained.
“Oh, you mean the megaspell? Yeah our bad. Never built one that big so there were a few kinks” Anon half apologized.
“Kinks? Kinks! If it was a mile closer to town everypony in it would have been aged into oblivion!” Celesita ranted.
“Again, sorry. These things weren’t designed to be any bigger than an orange” Unianon apologized.
Now Celestia was starting to go from angry to worried.
“Are you telling me there are more of these things?” She asked, the implications not going over her head.
“Nah, we only need them once or twice a month so we just build one on the spot. Plus imagine if they got stolen? Y’all would be screwed” Anon explained.
“Y’all? Thou seem confident these instruments of destruction wouldn’t be turned on you” Luna asked.
Suppressing a grin, Anon pulled out a chalkboard from… somewhere.
The image drawn on it was that of the Crystal Empire itself. Or at least the city.
From the side view you could make out all the major buildings. But it’s what was under it that confused the princesses.
Under the city were several tall half ovals with what looked to be drawings of flames coming out of the bottom.
“If the worst should come I’m escaping to the one place that will be spared the magical holocaust (continues to surpress his laughter) SPACE!” Anon explained, hints of a Stalliongrad accent in his voice.
Once again Celestia and Luna realised they had massively overestimated the threat Anon posed to the world.
In the hooves of a competent pony these ‘megaspells’ would be the ultimate weapon of war.
In the hooves of Anon…
“So, you use these extremely dangerous weapons. To make cheese?” Celestia asked. The concept is still hard for her to understand.
“It’s really good stuff” Anon justified himself.
Taking in a deep breath, Celestia regained her regular regal stance.
“Anon, I hope you realise the full scale of what you’ve unleashed upon our world. Despite its peaceful… cheese making purposes, if this got out to the rest of the world there would be an arms race that could begin the extinction of all life in our world. Please, promise you won’t build any more megaspells” Celestia monologued.
Thinking it over for a moment, Anon had to admit she was right.
“Alright Tia, I’ll talk to the other me’s, we’re the only ones who know how to build these things so the secret will die with us” Anon promised.
Smiling, Celestia relaxed. The knowledge her subjects were safe from the threat of the megaspells putting her mind at ease.
“Thank you Anon” Celestia thanked.
“Any time Celly, now could you do me a favour?” Anon asked.
“Of course” Celestia agreed.
“Thanks, could you please GET ALL THESE BIG TITTY GOTH GIRLS OUT OF MY EMPIRE!” Anon requested, his tone becoming more intense with each passing word.
“It’s not that bad is it?” Celestia asked.
“Bad? Bad!? It was bad a month ago, it’s evolved to WORSE. Last week a vampire from Magehold jumped a mare in an alleyway and-“ Anon began.
“WHAT!?” Celestia and Luna said in unison. The thought of one of their subjects being attacked enough to put them back on edge.
“If you’ll let me finish. He jumped her, bit down on her neck, then left because and I quote, she moaned and said ‘suck harder daddy’ do you realise how hard your kink needs to go to make a blood sucking undead monster feel like the second thirstiest being in the room?”
Watching the princesses' noses wrinkle, Anon could tell they got why he was mad.
“A-alright, we’ll talk to them” Celestia said, clearing her throat.
“Oh it isn’t just them you need to tell to fuck off” Anon said moving towards the window.
Pointing out of it, Anon showed the princesses something that truly caught them off guard.
Two groups had gathered outside the palace.
On one side were the goth mares in question and the other of much older mares.
“Ok this is larger than we thought” Celestia said.
“Threat not Anon, we shall deal with this” Luna boldly stated as the sisters flew down to the groups below.
“Should we tell them about our chemical weapons program?” Unianon asked once he was sure the alicorns were out of earshot.
“Nah, they’ll stop putting up with all our nonsense unless we let them win every hour and then. It’s bad enough Cream is making us sleep on the sofa until she stops being mad at us” Anon explained.
“I hate sleeping on the sofa,” Changeanon whined.
“Don’t worry buddy, once we’ve sorted this I’m going to IKIRIN,” Hippanon explained.
…
Flying down to the two groups, Celestia and Luna landed in a corridor between them. Each side being policed by crystal guards.
“What is the cause of all this?” Celestia asked, her presence being enough to calm down the rowdier members of the groups.
“Oh it’s nothing your Highness, just some disputes with our daughters” a blue coated mare said, chuckling nervously at the sign of the alicorns.
“I’m not going home Mom!” A mare with white fur and a black mane snapped.
“Maple sweetie, it's been weeks, I’m sorry if I did something wrong but your father and I are worried” the blue mare said.
“I asked you not to call me that in front of my friends,” ‘Maple’ whispered harshly.
“Sorry sweetie, Night Shade, your father and I just want you to come home. This place isn’t safe, it’s full of blood sucking vampires, literal ones” the mare stated.
“Mom I’m already invested in this place you don’t have to sell it to me” ‘Night Shade’ explained.
“There really is something wrong with thy generation” Luna stated.
“Ok Princess Boomer” one of the younger mates next to Night Shade muttered.
“Can either of you explain what this is about exactly? I’ve been told it’s about vampire stallions but I have to admit I don’t get it” Celestia asked.
“That’s simple your Highness, we came here when we heard REAL vampires were here, not the fake ones who keep hitting on us back in Manehattan and our moms are here to drag us back like foals out after curfew” Night Shade explained.
“We’re only here because we love you and we want you to be safe” her mother explained.
“I’m not a little filly anymore Mom, I’m a grown mare and I can make my own decisions!” Night Shade stated.
“You turned eighteen last week” her Mother reminded her.
“Well I’m sure we can sit down like mature mates and talk out a solution that everypony can agree on” Celestia stated optimistically.
Then Anon showed up with a tank.
“Dear goth mares, get the fuck off my lawn, now” Anon spoke through the megaphone.
“You and what army!?” One of the younger mares called out.
“The Crystal Imperial Army” Anon explained as the square was surrounded by crystal soldiers.
“Ok that’s a good army” the same mare admitted.
“Anon I thought you’d let me handle this?” Celestia said, getting into a defensive posture as the tank came to a halt.
“I thought you’d just order them out and they’d do it because well, I’m 90% sure most of your populace thinks you're a god. But then you started talking about feelings and talking it out. Using tanks is just faster” Anon explained.
“Excuse me!” A voice cut Celestia off from responding.
Moving through the crowds, Rosa stepped between Celestia and Anon
“What’s going on?” She asked.
“Hi Rosie, don’t mind me I’m just getting rid of these sexual harassment commiters” Anon greeted his daughter.
“Well since I’m the head of the Necromancer Council, shouldn’t I get the final say on this?” Rosa asked.
“Keep away from our daughters your monster!” A unicorn mare spat as the mother’s stairs turned harder on Rosa.
“Mom, you're embarrassing me, stop!” A unicorn mare from the goth’s side yelled back.
“You think THAT’S embarrassing?” Rosa asked sarcastically.
“That thing, I’m not even sure he’s a pony, stumbled into my city drunk, declared himself my father and has been smothering me with love and affection at every opportunity ever since” Rosa explained as she pointed at Anon.
“Have you been eating? You look thin” Anon asked, choosing to ignore her calling him a thing.
“Actually that doesn’t sound so bad” Night Shade commented.
“Well it isn’t, actually it’s really nice but that’s not the point” Rosa said.
“I’ve been speaking with the vampires of Magehold and they’ve agreed that if you tone back your… excitement, they’ll be willing to take you out to dinner or something. They aren’t promising anything but you’ll get your chance to have your… what was it?” Rosa monologued, losing her train of thought towards the end as she looked for the right word.
“Vampire dom coltfriends?” Night Shade asked.
“Or marefriends!” Another mare from the crowd called out.
“Yeah, that” Rosa confirmed.
“Night Shade those things are blood sucking monsters!” Night Shade’s mother warned, fear for her daughter’s safety filling her voice.
“Trust me ma’am, I’ve spoken to them and none of them want any of your daughter’s blood, apparently your daughter’s group makes them feel uncomfortable whenever they try to feed” Rosa stated flatly.
“Hey, we’re goths. We’ve got some weird kinks but we aren’t proud of it” Night Shade admitted.
“Well, another problem solves itself, I think we’ve all earned a drink” Anon said happily.
“Isn’t it nine in the morning?” Night Shade asked.
“Isn’t that coat full of dye?” Anon asked back as he opened a can of beer.
“Hey sky blue isn’t a very moody colour ok?” She spat back.
As the groups all found themselves satisfied to various degrees, Celestia and Luna stood in the middle of it trying to figure whatever the fuck just happened.
“This… Luna?” Celestia said, her words becoming slow.
“Yes Tia?” Luna responded.
“I don’t want to live on this planet anymore,” Celestia admitted.
“Been there sister” Luna comforted her older sister.
…
“Erm, why are they all bruised?” Griffanon asked.
Having gone to inspect the first regiment of griffon trained crystal ponies, Griffanon looked at them with concern.
Every one of the ponies in the regiment had a bruise or black eye. The signs they’d been put through a lot.
The griffon commander put in charge of their training, an older battered griffon named Gainos walked along his side.
“Griffonian training was a little challenging form them at first, but it produces some of the best soldiers I’ve ever seen” Gainos explained.
“Is this going to be a regular thing?” Griffanon asked.
“We’re working on it, your Majesty” Gainos said.
…
The Carousel Boutique was busy as ever. As the best (and only) hairdresser in town, Rarity moved from one customer to the next.
Sat under the dryer hoods were the unlikely trio of Spoilt Rich, Twilight and Cream Heart.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen this place so busy,” Cream stated.
Watching the crowd of customers, rather than having their manes done or placing orders for a dress, Cream could only recognise about half of them.
“Now you mention it, most of these ponies look like they’re from out of town” Twilight agreed.
“Wonder why they’d come this far for a mane-job?” Cream asked.
Spoilt chuckles to herself as she flipped through the pages of a magazine.
“Oh you sweet innocent fillies, they’re here because you two come here” she explained.
“What are you talking about?” Twilight asked.
“Well your Highness, this boutique is visited by a princess of Equestria and the Queen of the Crystal Empire at least once every two months. Haven’t you ever heard of celebrity endorsement?” Spoilt explained.
Thinking it over, the two mares realised she might be right.
“I, I guess I never really thought about it like that” Twilight admitted.
“Well I’d get used to it, it’s one of the perks of being royal I suppose. You’re both far luckier than you give yourselves credit for” Spoilt said.
“I didn’t even think about that, I married Anon for love not to be a queen” Cream stated, only now realising the gravity of her life.
“I know that feeling, believe it or not, most ponies in town think I married my Filthy for his money” Spoilt said, as if that wasn’t obvious.
That’s when Cream and Twilight looked at her with doubt.
“What? I didn’t, is it really that hard to believe I didn’t marry him for his money?” Spoilt defended.
Neither answered her, Twilight having avoided it by turning the dryers up. Blocking out the conversation with noise.
…
“Ok let’s just give up, no matter what design we use it always ends up looking like a dick” Anon stated ripping yet another blueprint to bits.
The Anons had gone back to trying to build a casino resort to boost income for the Empire but every design from some angle made it resemble a penis.
“Maybe we need more Anons,” Hippanon suggested.
“Dude, remember what Cream said? She can handle eight of us max, any more and it’s just going to get impractical” Griffanon reminded him.
“Oh yeah, hey how is the IKIRIN furniture coming along?” Hippanon asked.
“We have purchased over one hundred beds ranging from singles to Alaskan King size” Peganon reminded him.
“Why did we order so many?” Hippanon asked.
“Because Unianon is going to assemble them into the most kickass pillow fort in history” Peganon explained.
“Hey guys where are my glasses?” Anon asked.
Turning their attention back to the table they were using to display the blueprints, they found Anon’s glasses were indeed gone.
“Where did they go?” Ponanon asked.
“The fuck am I supposed to know? I put them down while we were putting the drawing board together and now they aren’t here” Anon explained.
“I’ll check String Theory” Peganon stated.
“I’ll check Strong Teeth” Zebanon said.
“And I’ll stay here because this is one of the only rooms in the palace without windows so I’ll die if I leave here” Anon said.
Seven of them spread out across the palace. Searching every nook and cranny of the palace.
“Alright String, where’s Daddy’s glasses?” Peganon asked.
Trying to chew on his hoof while he held her, blissfully ignorant of his questioning.
“Ok why did I think you’d be able to talk?” Peganon sighed.
“Any luck? Anon asked, having found the perfect solution to his lack of glasses.
“Nothing” Peganon stated.
Watching her father stumble around in a pile of blankets covering everything but his muzzle, String Theory pointed towards him.
“Baba,” she said.
“Yes it’s Baba, now tell me where my glasses are little missy,” Anon said, putting his muzzle in a booping distance from String.
Which naturally caused her to boop the snoot.
“We aren’t making any progress are we?” Anon asked, Peganon shaking his head in response.
As the Anons gathered, Strong Teeth hanging from Zebanon’s mane, they began debating what to do next.
“Well we could always just ask Discord for another pair” Ponanon suggested.
Before anyone could respond a knock came from the door.
“Anon, are you in there?” Cream asked.
“Yeah we’re here honey” Anon replied.
Entering the room and closing the door behind her, Cream approached the Anons.
“Anon, we need to talk, all of us” she said, looking at all eight of them.
“Oh no” they thought in unison.
“I’m still mad at you for setting off that… thing, so close to town. But eventually we’re going to have to move past that. When we do, we’ll… start sharing a bed again” she started.
“Is there something wrong with that?” Anon asked.
“No there’s nothing wrong, it's just, I can’t keep up with it anymore,” Cream admitted.
“We can cut down to two rounds each if it helps,” Hippanon offered.
“That’s not a solution, I could barely handle six of you, now there’s eight? Anon I’m not a college filly anymore, I can’t handle getting rutted by eight stallions every night anymore” Cream explained.
“Wait, what's this ‘anymore’ about” Unianon asked.
“Anyway, it wouldn’t be fair to exclude any of you because… well you’re all you” Cream went on.
“So I’ve found a solution,” she said.
“You want an open marriage?” Ponanon asked.
“What?” She asked.
“He said nothing,” Griffanon said, clamping his claw over his earth pony counterpart’s mouth.
Opening the doors, Cream brought in seven other mares.
A unicorn, a pegasus, a thestral, a zebra, a changeling, a hippogriff and a griffon. All of them shared a manestyle along with eyes and coat colour, the ponies all having the same cutie mark as well.
“Anons, meet me, and me” Cream introduced herselves.
Not giving her a verbal response, the Anons’s jaws dropped to the floor with an almighty thud, cracking the crystal material beneath them.
“Oh, here are your glasses by the way, sorry for borrowing them without asking” Cream said, giving Anon his glasses back.
AN: Don’t you love it when couples have things in common?
So what should we call the Heart sisters? Because I’m partial to Night Heart and Striped Heart for the thestral and zebra respectively.
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Dang. This update feels faster than usual.
hehe. heHeHeHeHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!
Next one to clone Twilight
well..... time to get more anons to make sure the creams are sated. if 6 is her limit then we need around 5 per cream and currently have 8 anons and creams so we need an additional 32 anons to bring this to a good end. to supercharge the anons. alicorn anons!
At this rate within 10 generations every sapient species on the planet is going to have at least one Anon/Cream ancestor
11703746
Or twilight if she have been not clone yet
11703736
Alicorn anon I vote yes.
How about golden heart for the unicorn
Now let's have all of them get pregnant. All with twins.
ROSA IS BACK
Unicorn: Unicream? Horny Heart?
Pegasus: Flutter Heart? Speed Cream?
Changeling: Heartling? Creamling?
Hippogriff: Cliff Heart? Hippocream?
Griffon: Wing Heart? Cu-caw!
Lmao!
I did think she was going to let Twilight in.
11703757
Yeah… they might melt into one another maybe?
Creamicorn, Pegacream, Mango Cream, Zeebcream, Creamling, Hippocream and Creamedgriff
11703780
I have a feeling the mirror pool might have a hand in that
I thought Cream was the sane one in their relationship, and she is, but it turns out they're both clearly insane.
11703981
Well.... the best relationships are built on commonality.
There’s eight creams and eight anons. God have mercy, his kids are going to be everywhere
OK, so I know their marriage isn't bad, it's certainly good & happy, but I'm not sure if I can even be confused when I try to determine if it's health by social &/or medical standards.
Creamling is a good one. Maybe changheart?
11703811
And she admit she love Anon as a father.
11704251
Great success
11704027
Probably not, but things have escalated far beyond the original vision for this fic so there’s no going back XD
11703746
I did the maths, and assuming they have between 3-4 kids per each generation it’ll reach rather 922 or 16,384
11704353
Indeed
11705047
He’s a character from a show called South Park. He used to be a geologist but started a weed farm and took over the show for a whole season. Think this Anon except his worst traits are turned up to 11
Still waiting for the Dragon-Anon they they accidentally made to pop up where the old house was, with them having forgotten to get him out of the blast radius.
Oh, is it over? This fic has been the one that has made me laugh the most with each chapter for a long time, I really love it
and then they had a 16 way orgy.
theeeee eeeend...
11705435
It’s not over, what you’ve read was just the tip of this here iceberg.
It’s only going to get WEIRDER from here on out, then it’ll get slightly normal but then it’ll get weirder again.
Wait till you see what the Halloween special is like.
Pegasus: Cloud Heart
Changeling: Change of Heart
Hippo: Sea Heart?
Griff: Gilded Heart
Uni : Peg Heart (lol)
11705959
I'm really looking forward to it, normal is good, but sometimes something is better... chaotic
All i can think of after this Is all the babys they can make!
This keeps getting better and better
Priceless chaos ♡