A fair trade
The Crystal City stood under siege surrounded by a glistening magical shield. Sombra had vanished, but no one inside believed he was gone for good. Within the lower levels of the palace, Princess Cadance exhausted herself maintaining the shield.
It took every ounce of her strength to keep it up. If it faltered, if Sombra got in. She knew even with Shining and the guard they couldn’t beat him.
So to keep him at bay until help could arrive she needed to be entirely focused on keeping the shield up.
Which would be a lot easier if-
“Anything from the trolley!” Anon called out as he entered the room. A metal trolley being pushed by him.
He had done this several times already, pushing the infernal hot trolley, requisitioned from the royal zeppelin he used to get here. Pushing it around giving out food or hot drinks to anypony who crossed his path.
“Anything from the trolley dear?” Anon asked casually as if this wasn’t the eight time today he’d done this.
Letting out a sigh, Cadance had learnt not to try to argue with the mad thestral more than a year ago.
“Just another coffee, and one of those carrot pasties if there’s any left” she said “coming right up” Anon said, using a pair of tongs to grab the baked good out the trolley and pouring a cup of black coffee.
“Honestly Cadance I don’t know how you can stomach this stuff without any sugar, but you’re the princess so who am I to question your dietary habits” Anon commented in a non-malicious tone.
Putting the plate and cup on a table near Cadance, Anon stretched out his wings, giving a little grunt. Taking a few steps towards the window he looked out at the shield with an impressed look on his face “gotta say, never expected my first siege to be this pleasant” he admitted.
“You’re taking this a little too well” Cadance pointed out, seconds before inhaling her coffee in one large sip.
After recovering from the impressed shock of what he just saw Anon returned to his previous calm demeanour.
“Don’t get me wrong Princess I’m just as scared as you. Knowing beyond that shield is pony Voldemort just waiting for a chance to strike. I think taking my mind off stuff like that helps” Anon explained.
“Besides everything will be fine, Twiggles and her friends will show up and save the day and we all go home, you to your palace and me to my kid and milf gf”
Anon’s optimistic attitude started to melt away when he turned back to see Cadance. Her exhausted state getting worse by the second.
Taking his trolley Anon left Cadance to focus.
Touring the tower Anon saw guards moving supplies around, setting up barricades in hallways and handing out supplies.
Shining was in a makeshift command room with a few other guards “anything from the trolley?” Anon asked.
“We’re fine Anon” Shining said in a neutral tone.
Peaking over onto the table Anon’s eye was caught on the image of a heart situated on the top of a drawing of the tower.
“The hell is that?” Anon asked “that’s the Crystal Heart, It’s how the Empire was able to thrive in this environment in the first place. It may also be able to beat Sombra, if we can find it” Shining explained.
“But Sombra left so many traps in the damn tower that it’s impossible to find anything,” he added.
Looking over the map again, then looking back to the increasingly tense Shining Anon returned to his trolley. Pushing it out the room and into the hallway.
As the hours passed. Twilight’s friends arrived, meeting with Cadance and Shining the Mane Six were filled in on what was happening.
“We need to find the Crystal Heart, it’s the only way to stop Sombra” Cadance explained “don’t worry Cadance, we can do it together” Twilight stated “yeah, this is a two episode adventure tops. As long as nothing goes horribly wrong” Dash said confidently.
“Hey where’s Nonny? I thought he was supposed to be here” Pinkie asked.
For a few seconds the magical barrier collapsed before being restored.
“What?” Cadance asked, fear starting to take over her tired voice.
“He’s not in the city your highness” a guard said “but if he’s not here, where else could he be-“ Shining started before he came to a terrifying realisation.
“Oh no” Shining choked.
Out in the cold, the tyrant King Sombra floated above the ground in his shadowy form. His size being great enough to encompass the visible sky for a mile in any direction.
Underneath his smoky mass was a green bat-pony in a surprisingly dapper red cape.
“Dormamu I've come to bargain!” Anon called out.
Narrowing his glowing green eyes Sombra glared down at the thestral.
“There is no bargaining, this land is mine, these pathetic creatures are my slaves and nothing can change this” Sombra roared.
“I’ll give you tree fiddy for the lot” Anon offered.
Stunned for a moment. Perhaps by the stupidity or perhaps by the sheer size of this stallion’s balls Sombra quickly regained his composure.
“Tree… what!?” Sombra snapped “ok for you my friend I’ll go up to four fiddy” Anon offered.
Becoming annoyed Sombra shot several bolts of purple lightning around Anon. Managing to miss him the bolts caused obsidian black crystals to jet out the ground.
“Ok, I see you’re a man… stallion… cloud? You’re a cloud who knows the value of real estate. I’ll give you ten million and tree fiddy bits AND this gift card for starbucks with twenty dollars on it. You can’t use it because there isn’t a starbucks on Equestria”
Growling like thunder, Sombra began to move away from the area. Heading towards the Crystal Empire he left Anon behind.
Watching as the city grew closer and closer, Sombra’s evil thoughts were quickly blocked out by more annoying noise.
“Ok, last offer. Ten million bits, the gift card and a twelve percent stake in my own mining company and not a penny more”
Looking back, Sombra saw Anon flying after him. Letting out a roar that shook the mountains Sombra stopped. His shadowy form turned inside out as his face reformed in front of Anon.
“You are without a doubt the most annoying creature in the history of Equestria!” Sombra yelled.
“Thank you I try” Anon stated before a shadowy tendril swatted him out of the sky.
Slamming into the snow Anon’s vision faded as he saw the shield fall and Sombra head towards the city.
And like that history went as intended. Through the courage of Spike, Sombra was defeated and the day was saved.
As the crystal ponies relished their new freedom the Mane Six could only think of one thing.
Where’s Anon?
As they searched the surrounding wilderness, Twilight spotted two young foals playing in the snow.
Watching them patting down a snow-pony.
Letting a smile slip Twilight approached the two “having fun?” She asked.
“Yes ma’am!” One giggled.
“Twilight!” Rainbow Dash said, dropping down from the sky.
“Found any trace of Anon?” Twilight asked. Letting out a sigh, Rainbow shook her head “nothing. Eh buck him he’s probably died out here” Rainbow said.
“Rainbow!” Twilight scolded as the two foals looked on in horror at the concept.
“Buck you bitch! You’re dead!” The snow-pony snapped back through muffled noise.
Shaking for a moment the head of the snow-pony exploded revealing Anon, letting out a roar loud enough to scare the two foals back to the city.
“Anon!?” Twilight squealed “why are you in a snow-pony dude?” Rainbow asked curiously.
“Why AREN'T you in a snow-pony?” Anon asked.
“Now where is Sombra? I’m ready to go all Optimus Prime on that bitch!” Anon stated as he shook back and forth.
“Dude? Are you stuck in there?” Rainbow asked.
Blushing slightly, Anon turned his head away.
Snickering, Rainbow effortlessly withstood the death glare Twilight was giving her.
Using her magic Twilight lifted Anon off the ground. His entire body below his neck being trapped within snow.
Meeting up with the girls Twilight put Anon down onto the ground in front of them.
“Oh dear”
“Darling what happened?”
“Why are y’all doin covered in ice Anon?”
“Yay! Nonny is a snow-pony!”
“Girls this is serious! We need to get Anon out of here” Twilight stated.
“We could light a fire” Rainbow suggested.
“We’re not setting fire to Anon” Rarity stated.
“Can’t we just dig em out? It’s just snow sugarcube” Applejack suggested.
“The snow seems extremely compact. Look” Twilight explained before attempting to kick the snow off Anon. The result being that Anon tipped over. But the snow seemed unaffected.
“We are not amused,” Anon stated.
“What were ya doing outside in the now anyway Nonny. Now’s not the time to make snow-ponies” Pinkie asked.
“I was trying to buy the Crystal Empire off Sombra. But then I got bitch slapped” Anon explained.
“WHAT!?” Every lifeform in the city cried out in unison.
“Hey, I was generous. I even offered my starbucks gift card” Anon explained.
“Now somepony get me out of here my nuts are freezing and let me tell you if they fall off there will be hell to pay” Anon asked.
“Well we can’t shake you out, and we can’t burn you out, maybe we should just breathe on you? Air is hot right?” Rainbow suggested.
With no other real ideas the girls reluctantly gave it a try.
Gathering around the imprisoned stallion and started breathing on him to little effect.
“What’s going on he- Anon?” Cadance asked as she approached the girls.
“Sup Cadie,” Anon greeted.
“Hi Cadance. Anon’s trapped in very dense snow and we’re trying to thaw him by breathing” Pinkie explained.
“If you want to help Cadance there’s an available spot between my legs~” Anon teasingly suggested.
Having to move her hoof to block Shining, Cadance took in a deep breath.
“We… We can figure this out later. For now we need to decide what’s happening to all of you” she said, turning her attention to the crystal ponies.
“I know this must all be a little overwhelming to you. Waking up after a nightmare, you’re in a strange new time. But I, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza promise that I will work tirelessly to help you all step into a new era of peace and happine-“
“Wow wow wow wow wow wow” Anon called out, interrupting Cadance’s speech.
“Are you finished?” Cadance asked.
“Wow” Anon finished.
“Cadance, are you seriously trying to make yourself their ruler when they met you two days ago?” Anon asked.
“Well, I just assumed they’d want help-“ Cadance began.
“ASSUMED!? You mean in nearly two days of being here you didn’t think to ask them what they wanted?” Anon said.
“I was holding up a shield to protect them from Sombra” Cadance pointed out.
“Cadie if saving ponies from evil fuckers was enough to be made a princess then the Element barers would have been made princesses a LONG time ago” Anon pointed out.
“Hey don’t bring us into this!” Twilight said.
“He’s got a point darling” Rarity stepped in.
“Rainbow Dash, Princess of Awsomeness, I kinda like the way that sounds' ' Dash daydreamed.
“Back on topic, shouldn't you at least ask them what they want? For all we know this could be the founding of Equestria’s first fully functioning republic” Anon suggested.
“I- that’s actually a really good idea” Candance said, realising that for once Anon had a good idea.
“Well? What do you guys want to do!?” Anon called out.
There was mumbling in the crowds. Every crystal pony was talking over each other trying to come to an answer.
“To be honest, we kinda thought the thestral was in charge now,” one admitted.
“What!?” Every non-crystal pony including Anon asked.
“What makes you think that?” Cadance asked, utterly bewildered at their answer.
“He was giving us all money” the same crystal pony explained, “and he did go out to face Sombra alone,” another pointed out.
“I made an MCU reference,” Anon proudly admitted.
“Do you have any more money?” Another crystal pony asked “yes” Anon confirmed.
“Money that isn’t property of the government of Equestria?” Shining asked doubtfully “yes actually” Anon stated.
“Girls, I have to tell you the truth, but you’ve gotta promise not to be mad at me” Anon said, making the girls adopt stern looks.
“Anon, what did you do?” Applejack asked with a firm voice.
“Ok ok ok, I’ve secretly been operating an off the books mine in the Everfree using a colony of diamond dogs as my employees for nearly a year, and it’s worth a crap ton” Anon explained.
“What!?” Four out of the five members of the Mane Six yelled, with Fluttershy jumping at the noise and Pinkie well… Pinkie already knows.
“So yeah I’ve got money, I’ve got some stuff to sort out down south before I can commit but yeah I’ve got money” Anon confirmed.
“Great, that and not enslaving us is all we’re really for in a monarch after Sombra” one of the crowd said.
“Well, are you sure you don’t want to form a freely elected government? Or maybe a city council?” Anon asked.
“Nope, we’re good” a crystal pony said.
“Or if you’re set on a monarchy Cadance is another choice as long as the majority of you want her” Anon added.
“Nah you were here first” another rejected.
“But he has no qualifications to lead a nation, I’ve been raised by Celestia most my life” Cadance backed Anon up “yeah, plus she’s got a way nicer flank then me” Anon stated “yeah and I’ve got a way nicer fla- hey!” Cadance began to agree before she heard the last part.
“He’s right, I get that every night” Shining whispered/bragged to a nearby crystal pony.
“I disagree!” Someone called out from the crowd.
“Yeah don’t sell yourself short!”
“Once you’re free from the snow could you shake it a little for us?”
“This quickly devolved into talking about my ass quickly huh?” Anon asked
“Long live King Anon the Dump Truck!” A mare called out.
“Long live King Anon! Long live the king!”
Listening to the chants of the ponies, Cadance’s eye twitched slightly.
Putting a hoof on his wife’s shoulder “it’ll be alright Cadance. I promise. Until then is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” Shining asked. Watching as the crystal ponies picked up Anon’s still imprisoned body and started carrying him to the palace.
“Sorry for stealing this from you two, I genuinely thought they’d go for democracy” Anon apologised as he was carried past them.
“Pinkie help me! They’re taking me! It’s cuz I’m a gangsta!”
“Yay! Coronation Party!”
“There’s only one thing that might make me feel better at this point Shiny” Cadance stated.
“Name it Honey” Shining responded with vigour.
“I want a baby”
Heading those words, Shining's eyes shrank to pinpricks. Knowing he wasn’t going to be walking straight for a long time.
Later that day in Canterlot, an anxious Princess Celestia received a letter from Twilight.
Dear Princess Celestia
Today I learned two important lessons.
First, no matter how dark or desperate a situation may seem. As long as we stick together, even the smallest of lives can be the hero of the day.
Secondly, and my least favoured of the two lessons.
Is it that ponies, when given a choice, tend to pick leaders based on looks and willingness to give out bits then actual long term plans or moral ideals.
So I suggest we all prepare bunkers to survive the inevitable fallout. Because Anon has been made the ruler of the Crystal Empire.
Fearfully your student, Twilight Sparkle.
Reading the letter Celestia was well and truly lost for words.
Well I tell a lie. She did have three words to say.
“Luna, you're grounded!” She called out, the Princess of the Night fast asleep, but shivering at the feeling of an impending doom coming for her.
AN:
I give the empire a week before it collapses under the weight of Anon’s Floridaman-ness.
Also poor Lulu. She learnt today never leave Anon unsupervised with money XD.
Also thanks to Silent Wing for giving me the “buy the Empire” idea. A Roman Emperor actually did that once… he didn’t last long.
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If he is smart, Anon could still hire Cadence as his Royal advisor. Having someone at your side that actually knows what to do is never a bad idea.
Also, you are welcome.
It would be funny if all the Crystal Ponies misunderstand him leading to him becoming a well-loved king but a pain in the ass for Celestia and the other countries.
I can see him making the world go into an economic decline while ranking in all the doe.
As insane as ever I see
I'm sorry, but I pictured Anon going up to Sombra and saying "not today satan!" If you know the reference you are a floridaman devotee
Didius Julianus if I remember correctly. Pretty sure he lasted somewhere between 60 and 70 days before he was killed by one of his own solders.
I'm sure this has no parallels to the real world. None whatsoever. Absolutely none.
11632888
Ngl I just thought describing the situation like that would be funny.
Plus it is now canon that Anon has a better butt then Cadance XD
At the end, Anon did buy the Crystal Empire.
11632861
Or just give her secondary rulership, meaning she's in charge while he's away.
I know there a proper term for it, but I am severely sleep deprived.
And he became king not prince... So Button will be prince and his mother queen. Well, depend how long it will last. XD
Oh dear...
The Crystal Ponies be wildin' fr fr no cap.
11632903
With money that wasn't his because Luna can't read a contract
Get the money and get the frick out!
His story is priceless in comedic values.
11632861
Awesome idea, it was hilarious.