After Anon is turned into a thestral, chaos ensues
Nearly a year after arriving in Equestria, Anon has been turned into a bat-pony by accident. Now one of the general populace Anon will go on adventures causing mayhem wherever he goes.
So basically the same thing he did before becoming a horse.
Anon had come to the magical land of Equestria less than a year ago. In that time he had his home blown to bits by a princess returning from her thousand year time-out, been trampled by stampeding cows after he introduced the concept of steak on the Apple family farm and been constantly stalked by the pink eldritch force known as Pinkie Pie. Just when Ponyville’s resident human thought he had weathered the storm it got weirder.
He’d been turned into a thestral, otherwise known as a bat-pony. Thanks to one of Twilight’s experiments gone horribly wrong Anon was now a dark green pony akin to the rest of this pastel coloured planet’s population. The main differences being leathery bat-like wings, slitted irises and a bad habit of being set on fire by the sun.
Sat in his stone cottage on the edge of town Anon brooded as he did everyday. With the curtains drawn and blankets tucked over the top of the rods to further block out the light “data log number 365. I remain stranded on this hostile alien world, my resources are still mostly dependent upon the generosity of this land’s leader Princess Celestia, I remain confined during the day due to my mutated form, the questions stay the same, will I ever return home? How was I brought here? And for whom am I writing these?” Anon thought out loud as he wrote.
“Morning Nonny!” Pinkie sang as she threw the door open, holding a cake in one hoof and a party popper in the other. Once the sunlight hit Anon’s fur he could feel a burning sensation spread across his body “Pinkie for fucks sake close the door!” He hissed out in pain. Using her flank to push the door shut behind her Pinkie let herself in “happy arrival day Nonny” Pinkie said, putting the cake on the coffee table and setting off the party poppers.
Too busy rushing to the fridge and pressing a bag of frozen peas against the burn marks covering his shoulder Anon all but ignored his self invited guest. Moving closer Pinkie cocked her head before she saw what had happened.
“Nonny-I-“ Pinkie started “Pinkie- just leave it, what are you here for?” Anon said as he moved the bag about in a circle “well, it’s been a whole year since you came to Equestria so I put a party together at Sugarcube Corner tonight. Everypony in town is showing up to let you know we’re all glad you’re still here” she explained, moving her eyes to the floor.
Anon raised an eyebrow, in his own head he didn’t interact with the ponies of Ponyville much. He did a bunch of handyman work before he got turned into a thestral, after which he mostly did night work. But knowing Pinkie she managed to snowball everypony into the event “but if you don’t feel like a Pinkie Party then I can still call it off, the Cake twin’s birthday is a month away so a lot of the stuff can be reused” Pinkie explained, her usually gravity defying pink mane starting to deflate like the party balloons she could usually materialise out of nowhere “actually Pinks, I’d love to attend, it sounds like fun” Anon said putting on a smile for the pink mare.
Doing a complete 180 Pinkie returned from her upset state back to the sugar fuelled joy she displayed throughout her daily life. Before he could say anything else Anon found himself pinned to the ground, his face being smothered by Pinkie’s mane as she hugged him with vice like strength “thankyouthsnkyouthankyou! I promise Nonny it’s gonna be the most epic party ever!” Pinkie said before vanishing out the door, leaving a white cloud in her likeness to slowly fade away.
“Why do I feel like I’ll regret this?” Anon asked himself.
Much to Anon’s surprise the party wasn’t nearly as overboard as he thought it would be. Sure every adult in town showed up, with it being way past their bedtime the child population was tucked away in their beds.
There were snacks, drinks and party games. All the hallmarks of one of Pinkie’s parties. Anon was sitting enjoying a large glass of cider while watching everyone socialising around him. His closest associate Big Mac sat next to him with a similar beverage “you know Mac, I know sounds crazy but I think I’ve had too many of these” Anon said pointing to his drink. Looking over to the pile of empty glasses Big Mac nodded “eeyep” he said bluntly.
Finishing off his drink Anon’s eye caught a skinny yellow stallion trot up to his table “evening Mr Cake” he greeted “shucks Anon you’ve known my family for a year now you can call me Carrot” the older stallion said putting a tray with two more glasses of cider on the table “anyhow, I know you’ve been reclusive since… this happened to you but Cup and I wanted to know if you wanted a present or something to mark the occasion” Carrot asked “Carrot, it’s not my birthday you don’t have to” Anon dismissed the Idea.
“Nonsense, you’ve done a lot of help around the place since getting here and you're still the twin’s second favourite foal sitter, something to let you know we appreciate you is no small feat. So come on then, what do you want?” Carrot insisted.
“Well, a night with your milf wife would be cool” Anon chuckled as he took another swig of his cider.
Seconds later Anon realised what he said. Desperately trying to backpedal Anon tripped over every excuse in the book“I-I what I meant to say was- I’ve had too much to- I didn’t mean to say that out loud-“ Anon stuttered in panic “ok” Carrot said. Naturally stunned Anon tried to figure out where the trap was “what?” He asked “I said ok, Cup and I haven’t done it with a thestral before, come up stairs in ten minutes, first door on the right” Carrot said trotting upstairs out of view leaving Anon bewildered.
“Did… did I just get invited to a threesome?” Anon thought to himself “eeyep” Pinkie said popping up out of nowhere “how do you always know what I’m thinking?” Anon asked “oh Nonny, you should know by now I hear EVERYTHING” Pinkie explained.
-10 minutes later-
With the sound of parting downstairs Anon stood facing the door to the Cake’s bedroom “this has got to be a trick, those two aren’t swingers… right?” He thought to himself “don’t be a bitch Anon, go in there and get some plot!” A small voice told him.
Looking around Anon saw a small version of Rainbow Dash wearing devil horns pop onto his right shoulder “ok I’m definitely drunk” Anon told himself “even if there’s a 1% chance you’re gonna get some action isn’t that worth trying?” Devil Dash argued “that is a good point” Anon said “don’t listen to her Anon!” Another voice called out. On his opposite shoulder a tiny Twilight in a toga with a halo above her head appeared “adultery is a sin! A mare’s nether regions belong to her husband!” Angel Twilight said “little outdated don’t you think? It’s the current year, now go split that mamma in two!” Devil Dash encouraged “you’ll go to Tartarus forever” Angel Twilight warned.
“Hmmm, sex with a milf but I go to pony hell, or no milf sex. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm WORTH IT!” Anon said, weighing his options before opening the door.
With an almighty thud Anon’s jaw hit the ground. The sight before him was that of Mrs Cake in all of her plump glory laid seductively on a queen sized bed. Her large flank facing towards the door, tail brushed to the side and her marehood hidden only by a set of ribbons topped by a bright pink bow over her entrance.
“Happy anniversary Anon~” she said in a sultry tone. Frozen in awe Anon didn’t answer back, his expression causing the mare to giggle “I think Anon likes his gift sweetie” she said to her husband, who had been standing at the side of the bed.
Not that Anon gave a shit about that.
“So Anon, are you going to join us or what?” Mrs Cake asked “I-erm, yes ma’am” Anon said as he started to approach the bed.
“So… how do you want to do this?” Anon asked “just come give us a cuddle, then we’ll see where the night leads, oh and please Anon, call me Cup~” Mrs Cake said licking her lips.
-Pinkie-
From her room in the loft Pinkie heard commotion coming from downstairs. The sound of bumping and springs bouncing was coming from the Cake’s bedroom.
“Damn Anon you’re huge!” Mr Cake called out “he FEELS huge” Mrs Cake followed with a moan.
“Weird, Nonny isn’t that tall” Pinkie thought to herself.
-Ten months later-
Time flew by for Anon, he went on to take up a project or two but he continued to check in on the Cake family every hour and then after that night.
Cup Cake had gotten pregnant from their… activities. Then the day came that she went into labour, the ambulance wasn’t coming due to a sudden migration of timber wolves so she gave birth in their home atop Sugarcube Corner.
Thanks to Twilight’s magic creating a large umbrella Anon could be there, he and Carrot worked together making sure Cup had everything she needed for the birth. Thirteen hours of work went into bringing that little filly into the world.
“Well golly, guess I’m more of a stallion than I thought” Carrot chuckled as he looked down at the yellow earth pony foal in his wife’s arms “well, congratulations you two” Anon said, multiple emotions going through his system at one.
Cup Cake noticed this “I hope you’re not disappointed Anon” she said snapping the bat-pony out his thoughts “oh no no no, I really am happy for you two, that and I’m happy I don’t need to pay child support” he said chuckling to himself while the Cakes just looked at him in confusion “oh sorry I mean foal support” Anon corrected himself “what in Celestia’s sun is foal support?” Carrot asked.
Realising that he may have doomed thousands of single fathers across Equestria Anon tried to move on from the topic “so what are you going to call the little one?” He asked “well, I was thinking about Chocolate Cake” Carrot suggested “ooh I love it, our sweet little Chocolate Cake” Cup cooed as she nuzzled her daughter, the newborn giggling as a result.
Passing their daughter to her husband, Cup leaned closer to me “if you change your mind Anon we can always try again in a few months~” she whispered in a sultry tone making Anon blush. Almost as if he could tell what his wife had said Carrot rolled his eyes “give the poor colt a break honey, you almost snapped him in half during your first trimester” Carrot scolded. Unfortunately for Anon it didn’t discourage the mare from teasing “oh boo sweetie, Anon certainly wasn’t complaining~” she dismissed fluttering her eyelashes at the thestral.
“The doctors said I lost a third of a centimetre to friction burns” Anon said with a deadpan expression “Zecora grew it back, although I still think her potion added a little extra” Cup said while licking her lips.
Outside 5 of the Mane 6 had to hold Pinkie at bay “Pinkie you need to give the Cake’s some privacy!” Twilight said while clinging onto her friend’s rear leg “but Nonny gets to see it why not me! I’m basically family after all these years!” Pinkie grunted as she managed to take another step forward “maybe the cake batter addicted aunt who lives in their attic! Buck Pinkie how are you this strong!” Rainbow Dash grunted while being all but dragged along the floor by the mare.
AN: Nonners exists just to cause chaos no matter what form he’s in doesn’t he? Any suggestions on future chapters are welcomed.
Eating a plate of salad, Anon enjoyed yet another peaceful breakfast “ah, even halfway across the multiverse I can still enjoy a nice quiet morning” he sighed before taking a sip “now what were you saying Twi-mama?” He asked the purple unicorn sitting on the opposite end of the table, glaring at him “Anon this is serious. You slept with a married mare and now she’s pregnant” Twilight stated in a disappointed tone.
Pinkie found out about Anon’s sexcapades with the Cake couple. And Pinkie being Pinkie told all the Elements of Harmony. Twilight being Twilight was beyond pissed about it “yeah, and?” Anon asked “what are you planning to do when the foal is born? You need to take responsibility” she stated “Carrot was there too, I’m not the only one who’s pumped foal batter into that bankary” Anon defended himself while Twilight’s face went red and green “but if it is your child then. You need to get a real job to support them” Twilight stated.
“Job? I have a job!” Anon stated “occasional night shifts is not a real job Anon” she stated “and 90% of your income comes from Princess Celestia” she added.
Rolling his eyes Anon put his fork down “listen Twilight, I still don’t know if the foal is even mine yet. If it comes out with bat wings and spontaneously combusts in the sunlight, and assuming that the Cakes don’t have a thestral ancestor then I’ll get a full time job. But until then I have enough bits to enjoy my solitary lifestyle” Anon stated.
Twilight’s glare only hardened at his lack of care “don’t you feel just a little bit of remorse, violating the sanctity of marriage?” She asked “hey love is love my Twiggle-Tart, so what the Cakes want me in on it. Polyamory is as valid as monogamy” Anon stated “poly- what?” Twilight asked “polyamory, it’s when a small group of people all love each other the way couples do” Anon explained.
Tilting her head Twilight gave a look of confusion “is that a thing in your world?” She asked “yeah, it’s pretty common in some regions of my world,” Anon explained.
Thinking for a moment Twilight stood up from the table before making her way to the front door “thank you for this information Anon, I have a lot to think about” she thanked. Using her magic to lift a blanket over Anon shielding her from the open door “also why do you have so much for breakfast?” She asked as Anon helped himself to another bowl of salad “Cup Cake wants to get frisky every night until her first trimester is up, I need my strength” Anon explained stuffing another lettuce down his throat.
Returning to her library Twilight began to write a letter.
Dear Cadance
I dearly miss you here in Ponyville, but I am writing to you in order to ask a favour.
Recently a friend of mine Anon has entered something called a polyamorus relationship’ with a married couple. He claims it is a valid form of love.
I know you must be busy but as Princess of Love I would appreciate your advice on the matter.
I hope to visit you in Canterlot soon.
Your friend, Twilight Sparkle
With a puff of his breath Spike sends the letter off to Canterlot.
Back with Anon he was enjoying a midday nap when a bright flash of light startled him. Jolting awake Anon looked around, tired eyes blinking awake.
“You can take my mother in-law just don’t touch the TV” Anon groaned out in a tired voice “Twilight what is a TV?” An unfamiliar feminine voice asked. As his vision started to adjust Anon made out the shape of two ponies. One was Twilight, but the other he didn’t recognise. She was taller, a brighter shade of pink and appeared to have wings as well as a horn and was dressed in a tiara “Twilight why is there a pretty pink pony princess in my bedroom?” Anon asked.
Taking a step forwards Cadance introduced herself “I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, by please call me Cadance”
Anon blinked, still not having a clue what’s happening “what in the literal fuck did Mrs Cake put in that wine?” Anon asked out loud “Anon this is Cadance, the Princess of Love, she’s an old friend of mine” Twilight explained.
“Wait… so your name is Mi Amore, and you’re the princess of Love” Anon said “this is correct” Cadance confirmed.
“… ok, what is it you want?” Anon asked “Twilight wrote to me about a new form of love you claim to have discovered, polyamory was it? I was wondering if you could explain it to me in greater detail” Cadance explained.
“Oh, well that’s good. I was worried you were going to slut shame me like Baron Von Twigglesworth over here” Anon said pointing his hoof at Twilight “hey I didn’t try to shame you” she defended “you showed up at my house uninvited and kept telling me I should get a job and feel bad for possibly knocking up Cup” Anon reminded her.
“That’s because you can’t just sleep with other stallion’s wives! How would you like it if I slept with your mother?” Twilight asked “well to do that you’d have to find a portal back to my home so I wouldn’t be too pissed” Anon explained.
Cutting through the argument Cadance put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder “don’t let him get to you Twilight I’m sure he’s just upset because we woke him up” Cadance said with a mothering tone “yes don’t listen to the bad man” Anon said in a mocking tone.
Unlike Twilight, Cadance didn’t seem upset at the sheer dickishness Anon was displaying.
“Now Anon, could you tell me more about this ‘polyamory’ please” Cadance asked “sure” Anon said reaching over to his bedside table. Reaching into the drawers he pulled out a small pouch tossing it to Twilight “Twily go get yourself an ice cream, I’m better at teaching practical lessons~” Anon said giving Cadance a smirk.
Twilight quickly guessed what was going through Anon’s brain “oh no, OH CELESTIA NO! Anon if you sleep with my goal sitter I swear to Celestia I’ll-“ Twilight stated, her horn starting to glow with magic before Cadance put a hoof in front of her “Twilight it’s fine, I think I can resist his ‘charms’” Cadance said chuckling slightly.
Sending a death stare towards Anon Twilight begrudgingly left the room, making sure to slam the door on her way out.
“Alone at last” Anon stated, moving into a position on the bed that would have been a lot more seductive if he were a mare “indeed, now about this new form of love” Cadance said ignoring how exposed Anon’s flank was.
“Oh, eh ok. Basically when three people-ponies all love each other they form a three way relationship akin to a couple. That’s basically polyamory. You can have more than three if you want but I’ve never done it. Then there’s polygamy which is the same but you’re married to two or more partners” Anon explained “interesting, in my experience most ponies prefer to share their romantic love solely with a single partner” Cadance said “well everypony is different I guess. Some will work well with it and others won’t” Anon said.
“So are we gonna buck like high school students or what?” Anon asked, making Cadance giggle “no Anon, I didn’t come here to sleep with a random stallion I just met” she said, maintaining a calm and caring tone “oh… you’re not married are you?” Anon asked “no, I’m still looking for that special somepony” she said “well… I’ve been told I’m special, although now that I think about it that doctor probably didn’t mean it in a good way” Anon said as less than fun memories started to flood back into his mind.
“I’m sure it is in a very good way Anon” Cadance said “good. So you got anyone in mind for your special somepony?” Anon asked. If he’s not getting laid he’s at least getting gossip. Moving her eyes away shyly Cadance gave Anon the information he needed “oh you do have someone. So what’s his name? Don’t try lying I can see right through you” Anon said laying down on his stomach, head resting in his front hooves “well… If you promise not to tell Twilight” she said “ooh, don’t worry princess, if it’ll piss off Twiggles then I’ll keep my trap shut” Anon promised.
“It’s her brother. Shining Armor” Cadance said “wait, Twilight has a brother? How come I’m always the last to hear these things?” Anon said “is he nice?” He added “he’s great, he’s not just nice he’s charming, brave, handsome” Candance listed off “does he have a big dick?” Anon asked, making Cadance blush.
“W-why would I know that?!” She stuttered “just saying you should know these things, small dicks can be a real deal breaker if he doesn’t know how to use it” Anon warned.
Her pink cheeks now a bright red Cadance unfurrowed her wings, using them to cover her face “why did I even tell you this?” She groaned in embarrassment “because you clearly like the guy and you’re tired of hiding it” Anon suggested.
Thinking for a moment Cadance started to fold her wings back in “I suppose that’s the case, it’s just. I’m so used to being everypony’s matchmaker that I don’t know how to do it for myself. Whenever I see him I just freeze. How can I tell Shining how I feel if I can’t talk to him?” Cadance asked, lowering her head slightly.
She was supposed to be the Princess of Love yet she struggles with stallions herself.
“Just be yourself, get him alone and tell him how you feel, you should never be afraid to speak your mind, I never am” Anon advised.
“That, that’s actually fairly good advice Anon” she said.
“And if that doesn't work suck his fat stallion cock” He added making Cadance’s face go even brighter “love isn’t all about sex Anon! Sex is the result of a couple’s love for each other” Cadence chided “well if that’s the case I want to be in love with half the mares in town” Anon said, maintaining a cocky smirk.
“But seriously, just believe in yourself. You’ll never get anywhere in life if you’re too scared to take that leap”
Seeing the cocky smirk turn into a more sincere smile “ok, I’ll try” Cadance said, smiling back.
The two talked for another hour, both swapping stories and experiences with the concept of love. Eventually Cadance left, promising to write to Anon in time.
And two days later Anon received his first letter from the princess via Derpy the Mailmare.
Dearest Anon
I have to thank you for your advice. Last night I managed to get Shiny alone and tell him how I feel.
He said he shares my feelings, we’re going out again tonight once his guard duties are finished.
I don’t know how I can repay you for your help.
But I must ask you to keep our ‘lesson’ a secret. As Princess of Love it would put my position into question to have needed advice on the subject.
I truly do owe you a great debt.
Love, your friend Cadance
“Stud, handyman, matchmaker for royalty. Is there anything I can’t do” Anon chuckled to himself.
“I should write back”
Grabbing an ink pot and quill Anon starter writing a response.
Dear Cadance
I told you, and when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what happened? E partly what I said would.
Also did you suck his dick? If not I’d recommend doing it after your date. Stallions are very easy to control once their balls have been drained.
Believe me, Cup Cake has tricked me into cleaning the entirety of Sugarcube Corner and staying up all night restocking their goods on multiple occasions.
But I digress.
Glad it’s working out, send me regular updates and I’ll teach you about the art of swinging next time you visit.
Love, your main stallion.
PS: I’m up for a threesome if this Shining guy is. You wouldn’t be the first mare I’ve spit roasted.
PPS: that’s a sex thing, not a good thing.
“If that isn’t a letter fit for a princess I don’t know what is” he said putting the letter to the side for later.
Before he could do anything else the front door flew open “NONNY MY SISTER’S HERE TO VISIT YOU'VE GOTTA MEET HER!” Pinkie squealed in excitement “FUCKING SHITTING GOD IT BURNS!” Anon screamed as the light hit him.
“Anon I know you’re in there!” Rarity yelled while continuing to knock on the door to Anon’s cottage.
Groaning Anon pulled himself out of bed before heading downstairs. Throwing a blanket over himself I sat next to the door “it’s unlocked” he said. Hearing the door be thrown open several angry sounding hoof clops made their way towards him “how may I help you Rarity?” He asked.
Hearing the door get slammed shut the blanket was ripped off of him.
Seeing a glaring and furious looking Rarity stood opposite of him Anon tilted his head to the side “is there something wrong?” He asked, genuinely concerned about Rarity’s state. Watching her eyes twitch Anon came to the conclusion that something was indeed wrong.
“Your book has traumatised Sweetie Bell!” She accused him.
“Book? What book?” Anon asked. Anon had taken up writing novelised versions of his favourite franchises from earth as a hobby and a potential revenue source. They did moderately well and were more popular with foals than any other age group. But he still had no clue which one has apparently scared Sweetie Bell so.
“She didn’t read the Curse of the Wererabbit did she?” Anon asked “because I thought you guys would love the idea of turning into a giant rabbit” he added trying to defend himself.
“No you unthinking buffoon!” Rarity snapped “hurtful” Anon whined “she read one of your books that she borrowed from Scootaloo and now she’s barricaded herself in her room with magic, I can’t get through. She keeps saying some kind of unicorn is coming to eat Equestria” Rarity explained.
“Unicorn eating Equestria? Wait, do you mean Unicron?” Anon asked, “Does it matter?” Rarity asked impatiently “Yeah, I think I know how to fix this” Anon said.
Later that night Anon left for the Carousel Boutique. Meeting Rarity again the two remained on less than friendly terms “she’s in her room, third door to the left” she explained with a uncharacteristic bluntness.
Finding the door Anon tried to open it, only to get zapped by some light magic “you seriously can’t get through this?” He asked “I’ve tried, but she’s very stubborn about this” Rarity explained “remind me to talk to Celestia after this, turns out all you needed to make your sister a prodigy is fear of a planet eating robot” Anon said chuckling at the context.
Rarity was not laughing.
Clearing his throat Anon knocked on the door “Sweetie, are you in there? It’s Anon, I hear you’ve been reading one of my books” he explained “go away!” A small voice came from the other side of the door “Sweetie, open the door please” Anon asked, choosing to try and being patient “no! I’m safe in here” she stated “listen Sweetie, Rarity told me what’s happening, I know you’re scared of Unicron” Anon said.
The moment that name was uttered the sound of things being knocked over on the other side of the door rang out.
“He’s coming to get me, I know it!” Sweetie insisted “Sweetie, Unicron isn’t real, he only exists in stories. Besides, even if he was he got blown up” Anon explained.
Seconds later the doorknob shook for a second. Opening slightly Sweetie’s green eye poked out through the crack “you mean he gets beaten in the end?” She asked shyly “you’ve been in there all day haven’t you finished the book?” Anon asked “once he started attacking Cybertron I put the book down. Why did you make him so scary?” Sweetie asked.
“My god I really am the greatest writer of all time” Anon thought to himself “Sweetie, at the end of the book Hotrod gets the Matrix after defeating Galvatron and uses it to destroy Unicron. He’s nothing but a pile of scrap orbiting Cybertron by the end” Anon explained “so… he’s not gonna show up and eat everypony?” Sweetie asked “no Sweetie, he’s not” Anon said smiling at the little filly.
Slowly, Sweetie Bell opens the door, taking a hesitant step out. Looking at her older sister Sweetie bowed her head slightly “sorry I yelled at you big sis” she apologised.
Already wearing a warm smile Rarity nuzzled her little sister “it’s alright Sweetie, now go hop in the warm bath I drew for you and get all washed up. It’s a little late but you should still have a good dinner before you go to bed” she said. Dissapering down the hallway Sweetie left the two grown ponies alone.
Showing a much warmer expression to him then before, Rarity moved a step closer to Anon, pecking his cheek lightly “thank you for this Anon” she thanked “no problem Rarity, I am sorry for causing it. I had no idea my books were going to cause so much trouble” Anon apologised.
Seeing the genuine expression on his face Rarity simply continued to smile at the stallion “it’s alright darling, perhaps I did overreact earlier. I do apologies, it’s just that Sweetie Bell is my little sister, whenever something involving her happens I get… protective” she explained.
“I get it, you go from fun big sis to mama bear mode, it happens” Anon chuckled. Looking offended Rarity put a hoof to her chest “darling I will assure you that I am no bear!” She said taking the comment as an insult. Shaking his head lightly Anon continued to smile “it’s not a literal bear Rarity. It’s just a saying based on the fact mother bears are often extremely protective of their young, like how you are with your sister, it’s an attractive trait in mares” Anon explained, maintaining complete obliviousness to the last part of his explanation.
“Oh, well then. Thank you I suppose” Rarity said sheepishly, turning her head to hide her blush.
Clearing her throat Rarity tried to change the subject “well Anon, would you perhaps like to stay for dinner?” She asked. Shaking his head lightly “I’m good Rare, just check in every hour and then to tell me how Sweetie’s doing. I don’t want to traumatise anyone else with my world’s literature” Anon said making his way back downstairs.
Reaching the door he turned his head back to face Rarity “see you around” he said before leaving the Boutique.
Returning home Anon hunkered down for bed after a quick sandwich. He never really dreamed, sleep for Anon was mostly a period of darkness before returning to the land of the living. He was occasionally blessed by the mental image of Cup Cake’s plump blue rear presenting itself to him, but not tonight.
“Who dares to bring nightmares upon our subjects!” A booming voice roared out.
Snapping his eyes open, Anon found himself not in his bed, but an open field. From the distance he could see that it was day, but he along with all the land for what looked like miles was coated in a shadow, slowly growing with each second.
Looking to the sky Anon’s eyes shank to pinpricks.
Like pure evil given form, a planet-like celestial body moved through the sky. A burning hole of fire at its centre along with a colossal mandible on each side, the light of the fire growing ever brighter as it came closer.
“What the fucking shit is that!” Anon squealed in panic. Looking at the surrounding area he saw a sizable rock sat atop the grass. Flapping his wings to accelerate his speed he leaped behind the rock, attempting to use is as a shelter.
While he attempted to cower behind a rock, Anon could see somepony fire off one magical blast from her horn after another at the encroaching planet.
“Begone foul parasite! This filly is under our protection!” She bellowed, a much larger burst of magic into the heart of the approaching planetoid. Like before the magic appeared to harmlessly dissipate across its target’s body. While it was an attack that would destroy even the mightiest of foes, before this approaching object it was a token resistance.
Recognising the blue fur and flowing, gravity defying mane Anon started to crawl out from behind the rock he used as cover.
“Um, excuse me?” Anon asked quietly, approaching the alicorn princess. Snapping her neck to face him, Luna glared in rage at Anon.
“You! Thou are responsible for this blight!” Luna sneered using the Royal Canterlot Voice “what? How is this my fault!?” Anon asked, defending his position.
“Thy works of fiction have caused a blight amongst the youth of Equestria! And several of its adults!” Luna explained, continuing to yell with ear bleeding volume.
Noticing a lump of white fur between Luna’s front legs. Recognising the pink mane Anon made out the image of a cowering Sweetie Bell. Curled into a ball with her hooves over her eyes and shaking profusely.
“Sweetie? What’s going on here?” Anon asked, still confused out of his mind.
Lowering her hooves slightly, Sweetie Bell looked up to see Anon standing there looking at her in confusion “A-Anon?“ she asked, her voice filled with fear.
“Y-you said he wasn’t real, you promised” she added before covering her eyes again.
“Do not fear little one, this is only a nightmare” Luna said, using a warm tone while nuzzling the foal.
Turning back to you Luna’s glare returned “thy work of fiction has created this nightmare, therefore it is your duty to remove it. Unless you intend to find thyself in the dungeons of Canterlot in the waking world” Luna threatens.
“How in Cup’s dark blue plot-hole am I supposed to do that! Do I look like I have the Matrix of Leadership!?” Anon asked. Getting a somehow even darker glare from the Princess of the Night Anon decided to try regardless.
“Unicron! If you could lend me a moment of your time, kindly SOD OFF! FUCK OFF! Remove yourself from this dream sequence at your nearest convenience and overall get bent, thank you”
The earth beneath them shook as a deep roar came from Unicron.
Unicron appeared to be growing closer far faster than before. His mandibles sinking into the ground, his fang covered maw opened ready to consume the world we stood on.
“Wait, this is a dream right? He can’t actually hurt us” Anon said, relaxing at the realisation. Shaking her head Luna spoke “unfortunately not for us, we are strangers to this realm. If we are vanquished it will affect our physical forms” she explained.
Processing the fact he was about to be eaten by fucking Unicron, Anon swiped Sweetie Bell off the ground and from the debatable safety of Luna’s protection. Holding her in the air akin to a mandrill holding up a lion cub Anon frantically tried to get Sweetie Bell to regain control of her dream “ok Sweetie, this is your dream. This world is yours to control, if you want him to go away just think of him vanishing” Anon told her.
Squirming in his grasp Sweetie shook her head profusely “I can’t!” She squeaked out “you can! You wanna know why? Because I believe in you” Anon stated.
“Y-you do?” Sweetie asked hesitantly “yes, I do. Now make me and your big sister proud” Anon said, putting Sweetie down and gently nudging her forwards “and waste his imaginary ass!” Anon cheered, encouraging the filly to stand tall in the face of her fear “ok! Umm, how do I do that?” Sweetie asked, going from Rainbow Dash levels of confidence to utterly perplexed in about 6 seconds.
“It’s your mind, summon the Matrix of Leadership or something” Anon advised, shrugging his front shoulders, causing Luna to face-hoof herself “that is your advice? Summon the Matrix of Leadership or something?” Luna criticised “well excuuuuuuuse me Princess” Anon shot back.
Closing her eyes Sweetie Bell made a clear image in her mind. The image of the Matrix of Leadership she read about in Scootaloo’s book. A blue gem held in an orange metal container with a pair of white handles, one on either side.
“Pop”
With a mere thought of a filly the Matrix of Leadership, or at least a dream version of it laid on the ground. Sweetie latched onto it, trying desperately to pry it open with first her hooves then her teeth. Watching as Unicron was mere seconds away from eating all three of them, Anon elected to give her a nudge in the right direction.
“Sweetie, you have magic,” Anon reminded her.
Blushing in embarrassment Sweetie cleared her throat “um ok, alright Matrix, light our darkest hour!” Sweetie called out, her magic enveloped the Matrix. Slowly it opened, the shining blue crystal in its heart unleashing an energy wave that blinded everyone within its range. By the time the light had faded and Stan Bush’s song The Touch stopped playing Unicron was gone. The only evidence he was even here was the falling rain of metal chunks.
“I-I did it” Sweetie said “I did it!” She squealed with pride.
Watching the filly bounce about celebrating her victory Anon couldn’t help but smile proudly. Not only in Sweetie Bell for technically becoming a Prime but in himself for not soiling himself inside a foal’s mind.
Feeling a hoof on his shoulder Anon turned his head to see Luna wearing a far more neutral expression than her former fury “well done Anon, but we are not finished with you yet. Let us continue this at your place” Luna said. Before Anon could respond he felt something hard sack him on the back of the head, causing him to lose consciousness.
Shooting up from his bed Anon looked around. He was still in his room, alone. Letting out a sigh of relief “oh good it was only a dream, within a dream” he said laying back down.
Before he could return to sleep Anon heard the noise of creaking coming from downstairs.
“I swear to god if it’s Angel again I’m eating that rabbit I don’t care if Fluttershy finds out” he growled to himself.
Getting out of bed he cautiously went downstairs. Peeking his head into the kitchen he saw the source of the noise. The fridge door was open, poking out from the side of it was a dark blue pony flank with a crescent moon on its side.
“Why are you in my fridge!?” Anon yelled, not caring if she was a princess or not. Moving her head over the opened fridge door Luna looked casually at Anon “patrolling the dreams of foals burns many calories” Luna explained taking another bite of some cake he had in the fridge.
The next night Anon felt exhausted, despite sleeping all through the day his adventure with Luna had left him drained.
To Anon,
We have spent much time considering an appropriate punishment for thy actions in tormenting the dreams of our subjects. As such we have decided to bestow on you the duty of our assistant when it comes to patrolling the dreams of Equestria’s foals.
You will accompany us five times a week, helping to deal with the ever increasingly hostile nightmares thou has created. You will serve this position until we believe that thou has repented for thy transgressions against the small and the adorable.
For the sake of effecentcy we will travel to your dwelling each night, shortening the length of our magical link greatly.
Make sure to stock up on hot chocolate and those custard slices thou had last night. We find them quite delicious.
Your sovereign, Princess Luna
“Fucking giant donkey dicks!” Anon cursed at the top of his lungs, ensuring that everything with ears for a mile could hear his frustration.
AN: poor poor Anon, tries to make something of himself and ends up scarring a filly. Hopefully the next chapter will make him feel better about his state.
Sorry to drop you in it like this but I’ve got to skip town for a few days with the twins. I adore Cup but every time she gets pregnant she…
Changes.
When she was pregnant with the twins she demanded we do it every night up until they were born. That may sound like paradise but she became more aggressive each night. In time she began to scare me.
While she was giving birth I was in the ward one room over having phallic reconstruction surgery. The doctors told me if I went through something like that again I’d effectively become a mare.
You can’t imagine how guilty I feel leaving Cup pregnant like this. But I know you’re a good stallion, take care of her.
Also now that Pumpkin and Pound are out the house she’ll need something to fill her time with.
Good luck.
Carrot Cake.
“I don’t know if I should be angry with him or thankful or both,” Anon thought to himself.
“Oh Anon~” Mrs Cake called from upstairs. Tucking away the note in his saddle bag Anon headed upstairs to the Cake’s room.
“Are you going to clean all night or is my big handsome stud going to give me some attention?~” she asked batting her eyelids slowly “you really don’t slow down do you?” Anon chuckled as he hopped onto the bed.
Nuzzling his potential baby-mama Anon pulled her closer with his front leg “so? What do you want me to do to you tonight?” Anon asked nibbling her ear lightly “everything~” Cup Cake moaned out.
Moving on top of her Anon couldn’t help but lick his lips at the sight of the older mare below him “fuck you’re beautiful Cup”
Letting out a giggle, Cup lightly booped Anon’s nose “oh sweetie” she said sincerely.
Distracted by her words Anon was taken by surprise as Cup used her hind legs to squeeze down on his waist, flipping the two of them over and putting her on top.
“That’s enough cuddle talk for tonight, let’s see if we can make the bed legs give out~” Cup said, licking her lips with a predatory look in her eyes. It was at that moment Anon realised. Carrot was right.
“God, it’s me again. I’m ready to go now” Anon thought to himself.
The next day was particularly cloudy allowing Anon to slink his way back home to recover. Having not only survived Cup’s dark half coming out but realising why Carrot had done a runner.
Sat in the admittedly cramp shower Anon let the water run over his lipstick stained fur.
“Damn it!” Anon called out in frustration “I’m out of shampoo again!” He groaned discarding the empty bottle “why does shampoo come in such small bottles on this planet? 90% of the population have their whole body covered in fur for fuck sake!”
Turning off the water Anon went to exit the shower. Unfortunately he then slips on the discarded shampoo bottle that had fallen right under him. Before he could react Anon found himself flipped over with his head wacking against the ceramic floor of his shower and his hind legs in the air.
Trying isn’t at first to slide the shower door open Anon dismayed at his hoof being unable to reach the handle.
“Pinkie” he called out “PINKIE!” He called out again only this time louder “damn it Pinks the one time you aren’t hiding in my walls is the one where I need you” Anon grubbed as he laid there, a bump on his head forming.
“Having trouble Batty?” A smug sounding voice called out. Through the bathroom window Rainbow Dash’s head popped through.
While scrambling to cover his fully exposed wet stallionhood Anon was victim to the element of loyalty’s mocking laugh.
“Dude, my closet is bigger than that shower what the buck!?” She wheezed while flying her way into the bathroom.
His face a mixture of embarrassment and annoyance Anon continued to try and wiggle his way to freedom. Trotting up Dash carelessly flew the shower door open “Dash wait!” Anon protested before helplessly falling onto the mare.
With all the sudden movement shaking his head Anon needed a second before he regained his vision.
“Ugh, fuck it Dash I told you to wai-“ Anon began to say before realising the position he had founded himself in. Having been upside down when he fell, Anon managed to perfectly land on Dash’s back. From a third person perspective it looked as if he had mounted her.
“Rainbow,” Anon said bluntly.
“Yeah?” She asked slightly sheepishly.
“We never speak of this again” Anon stated.
“Agreed” she responded.
Exiting that awkward position and the bathroom both flyers went down to the living room for a drink.
“So…” Rainbow said, trying to break the ice “why is your shower so small?” She asked curiously “well when I built this place I was a third my current length” Anon explained “oh right, forgot you used to be a shaved ape” Rainbow half mocked “human, and yeah it’s been challenging to adapt” Anon responded taking a big swig of his apple cider.
“Have you considered having an extension or something? Give yourself a little more room” Rainbow suggested.
“Well… I did get my last royalty check for my books last week. Sure, why not? I’ll probably need more room when the foal arrives anyways” Anon said as his mind turned to his imminent potential fatherhood.
“Awsome, hey I know some colts in construction that live in my neighbourhood. I’ll bring them around later and we can see what you’re working with” Dash said getting off her chair “wait… Dash, you live in a cloud” Anon pointed out cautiously “hey!” She said getting offended “my house is awesome! Besides they mostly do work down here on the ground” Rainbow explained before jetting off towards the clouds.
True to her nature Dash was back before Anon had a chance to finish his drink.
With her was a grey pegasus stallion with a trio of bricks for a cutie mark. Wobbling lightly the stallion managed to shake his head straight “buck it Rainbow I asked you not to swipe me out my workplace like that I’ve got paperwork to sort” he scolded the blue mare. Rainbow just scoffed at him “oh come on Air Blaze that nerd stuff can wait, I’ve got you a new job. Air this is Anon, Anon this is Air” she said introducing the two.
“Good to meet you” Air Blaze greeted “likewise, and sorry about her, this is mostly my fault” Anon said apologising on Dash’s behalf.
Air rolled his eyes before letting out a chuckle “mares am I right?” He snorted. Debating whether he should join in or not Anon’s mind was made up for him as he watched Dash use her hind legs to buck Air across the room, the stallion slamming into the wall hard enough to crack the wood.
“Hey! This is my house dude!” Anon snapped “he started it” Rainbow said in an immature tone “I don’t care who started it I’m finishing it” Anon chided like a parent disappointing their child.
Getting him back on his feet Anon stood opposite Air Blaze “so, how can I help you?” Air asked “well I’ve recently found my home a little… small, so I was wondering what it would take for you to make it a little bigger” Anon explained.
Air Blaze didn’t say another word. He simply went through the house with detective levels of examination. About an hour passed before Air stopped, facing Anon with a face that shared a mix of sheer contempt and endless pity.
“This is the worst built thing I’ve ever seen,” he explained.
“Hey, I tried my best” Anon said his voice slightly whiny from that stinging comment “you probably did but this building does not meet with any building regulations at all, did you even look at the state construction regulation and zoning law manual you got when you asked Mayor Mare to let you build this place?” Air explained.
Anon stared blankly at the pegasus for a moment. It was as if Air had said something incredibly smart or impossibly stupid in Anon’s eyes “define ‘asked to build this place’” Anon asked. Watching Air’s pupils shrink to pin pricks Anon got the sudden thought that he may have done something wrong.
“Anon. Please tell me you didn’t just start building all willy nilly” Air asked hoping the answer would be no “I mean no one told me I couldn’t” Anon excused himself.
Dash’s expression took a turn for the worst “Anon, you know if the mayor finds out about it this and she thinks your house is a hazard then she will have it torn down” she explained “wait what!? She can’t do that! I’m an endangered species!” Anon protested “wait what? Thestrals aren’t endangered, there's like a million of you guys across Equestria” Air explained, confused about Anon’s claim.
“Anon used to be a shaved monkey called a human, Twilight turned him into a thestral trying to send him back to his home world” Dash explained, making the stallion even more confused “but he’s got a point Anon, you’re technically a pony so there’s no special treatment for you” she added.
“This. Is. Bullshit!” Anon protested “calm down buddy, if we can get this place up to scratch before anypony notices then you’ll be fine” Air explained pulling out a rather thick book “just read through this and we’ll see what you’ve done right and what you’ve done wrong.
The book was filled with zoning laws and housing regulations. He couldn’t believe it, it appeared as if there were thousands of them. But through the power of skimming over he managed to narrow down 5 main ones he should be worried about.
New buildings must not be constructed in the habitat of endangered animals.
New homes must not include materials that are toxic or overly hazardous to pony life.
It must not encroach on another pony’s property or block easy access to another pony’s home.
It must be surveyed and approved by a licensed inspector.
All none indigenous families buying homes in the greater Ponyville area must pay an annual property tax of 12.5% of the home’s worth for property valued under 100,000 bits and 25% for those valued over 250,000 bits.
A look of pure rage appeared on Anon’s face. His eyes turned from their mint green hue to a blood red. Anon’s cottage met none of these regulations. But that’s not what brought upon this aura of pure hate.
Even Rainbow Dash, usually regarded by all as the bravest being on the planet, took a step back at the sight of Anon’s boiling rage “uh, Anon? You ok there bud?” She asked almost sheepishly.
“Fucking TAXEEEEEEEES!” Anon roared, the volume created enough to shake the earth around them. The earthquake caused large segments of the shoddily built structure to collapse around them.
Grabbing Air Blaze, Dash zoomed out of the crumbling building. Turning back she watched as the remains of Anon’s cottage, she saw the only thing left standing in the rubble. Anon himself.
Unphased by the building almost crushing him, Anon stormed away from the wreckage.
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Dash groaned.
Gathering her friends the mane 6 rush to the mayor’s office. Despite their worst fears Mayor Mare was completely unharmed. Although she appeared to have developed a migraine for Anon’s Karen tier bitching.
“Your taxes are bullshit!” Anon stated “they have their purpose” Mayor Mare argued “the cities are starting to swell in population. Eventually they’ll start spilling out into rural areas. Property taxes designed for ponies moving into Ponyville disincentivizes them from doing so, therefore protecting the native population from being priced out of their own neighbourhoods” Mayor Mare explained.
“Also last I checked your books are all kingdom wide hits. It’s not like you can’t afford it” she added “That’s not the point!” Anon stated “Anon stop your bellyaching, you sound like a greedy noble hoarding his bits” Applejack scolded “it’s not about the money Apples, it’s the printable. I may be a horse in body, but my heart and soul are that of a proud American! My ancestors fought a war so they wouldn’t have to pay taxes!” Anon explained with bravado.
“Anon darling you said your ancestors were British, whatever that means” Rarity pointed out.
“I had relatives on both sides of the war. It was really complicated” Anon said “but I was born in the great state of Florida. And if I willingly pay any tax other than income then my father crashing his car into a deer trying to get my mid-birth mother to the Georgia border will have been for nothing!” he stated, his patriotic might shining through.
As everypony tried desperately to process Anon’s insanity, Twilight was the first to shake her head straight “Anon you need to pay taxes, it’s not an option you can argue over. I started paying them when I moved here and you don’t see me complaining” she explained “bullshit your sugar mama Celestia pays for everything” Anon accused making Twilight’s face turn red “s-she- Princess Celestia is not my sugar mama! I run a library, I make my own bits the same as everypony else. And I’m not attracted to mares” she said, defending herself." Your 20+ novels worth of yuri fanfic you’ve hid under your bed begs a differ” Anon said.
“Enough!” Mayor Mare yelled slamming her hoofs on the desk “Anon I know you didn’t move to Ponyville willingly. But I cannot make exceptions, if I bend the law for one civilian then there’s no point expecting everypony else to obey them. So please, just pay your taxes. I know it’s against your… I’ll call them customs to be polite, but have we not already put up with enough of your antics to accommodate your beliefs that you can let this one slide” Mayor Mare pleaded.
Anon went deep into thought for a few moments, going over Mayor Mare’s words in his mind.
“That… does seem fair and reasonable,” Anon admitted.
The room was filled with sighs of relief. The mane six were happy that the mayor had gotten through to their friend from another world.
“Thank you Ano-“ Mayor Mare began before the stallion's hoof booped her nose mid sentence “you didn’t let my finish” Anon explained “apologies'' Mayor Mare said, her voice a little squeaky due to her nose still being thoroughly booped “I was about to say, that seems fair and reasonable, which is my I will never agree to it!” Anon said before swiping his hoof away from Mayor Mare’s snoot and down to her desk onto its side.
“Anon!” Twilight called out in anger as she readied her magic to restrain the thestral “democracy is non-negotiable!” Anon called out.
After several hours of arguments and profanity Anon was forced from the Mayor’s office. Not by physically throwing him out but due to the Sun having made its way past the clouds and began to burn our friend into a crisp.
With his home under reconstruction Anon was pressed into lodging with Pinkie in the Cake’s attic. He went missing for several weeks until he was found chained to Cup Cake’s bed with a temporary tattoo on his stallionhood reading “property of Cup Cake and Pinkie Pie”
Mayor Mare, having taken pity on him, considered it his community service for flipping her desk.
He eventually got a zoning law friendly house built more comfortable for his equine body.
AN: I always meant for these to be fun shorts but now I’m thinking of making another fic of all the M scenes I left out.
In the nightlife of Canterlot, Princess Luna ruled. Which was unlucky for a certain thestral.
Collapsing onto the marble floor Anon panted heavily, the princess of the night looking down on him with disappointment “there is no time for lollygagging Anon, there are still many foals who’s dreams we have not visited” Luna stated poking the exhausted pony with her front hoof.
Swatting it away Anon continued to lay on the floor, his fur drenched in sweat “Princess we’ve been at this for hours! We’ve already helped foals fight eight wererabbits, two Lord Frieza’s and fucking Thanos! At this point I’m considering just quitting writing and finding a new profession” Anon complained, seeing how his books have negatively affected the youth of Equestria and by extension him.
Letting out a snort Luna rolled her eyes “fine, thou art done for tonight, but do not mistake this as being finished with thy punishment” Luna said using her magic to open a portal leading back to Anon’s home. Dragging himself onto his feet Anon began making his way to the portal. But before he could enter he was stopped by Luna’s hoof blocking his path.
“Sir Anon, we do have one last request,” Luna explained.
“Oh god don’t tell me she wants dick to! I’m still recovering from Cup and Pinkie!” Anon thought to himself “yes?” He asked out loud hesitantly.
“Due to our outings becoming so frequent, Tia has begun insisting that we start paying you for your time. As such we require your banking information and citizenship forms to streamline the process of payment and taxation. Also we don’t want to have to swing a bag of bits at you every week” Luna explained.
Few things genuinely stumped Anon these days. He’d been turned into a pony, is in an epic open relationship with the milf landlady of his best friend who has the personality crack addict on a high and occasionally plays cards with a zebra witch-doctor.
But this genuinely confused him “banks? Citizenship forms?” Anon asked, tilting his head to the side. Confusion must be contagious because Luna soon mimicked his head tilt “you do have legal citizenship in Equestira right? Did Tia not give you a certificate of immigration when you got here?” Luna asked.
Anon thought back to when he first got to Equestria. Trying to see if anything like that had happened.
-1.5 years ago-
The guards were beyond confused. This green faceless creature in a dapper suit had fallen into the throne room and was now sitting with Princess Celestia laying back in his lap.
“Who’s a good horse-princess? Is it you? Is it you? Yes it is! Oh yes it is!” The creature said in a silly voice. Using one of its strange claw-like appendages to rub the princess’s belly and another to scratch her ear.
“Should… should we get the captain?” One of the guards asked the other “nah, I think the princess might be upset if he stopped” the other said.
They continued to watch as the green creature continued to inform Celestia she was indeed a good horse-princess.
-back to the present-
“It must have slipped her mind,” Anon said, leaving out the details.
Luna put her hoof to her chin “this is a predicament, if you have no legal papers then I’m afraid Anon thou art considered an illegal immigrant. As Princess I’m afraid you must be deported back to your homeland” Luna explained “what!” Anon exclaimed “Luna I can’t get back to my homeland, I’m trapped here” Anon explained.
Humming to herself Luna thought over what to do “well, we suppose thou could stay if you were a political refugee” Luna said “I mean a guy I don’t like is president. But that applies to the last three of them” Anon said “are thou married to an Equestrian citizen or father of a foal born on our soil?” Luna asked.
“Well, there’s a 50/50 chance the baby growing in Cup Cake is mine but she’s not due for another six months. What’s that about marriage again?” Anon asked “if thou are married to an Equestiran citizen thou may obtain residency and apply for citizenship after living within Equestria for a minimum of three years, it’s all right there in the law book” Luna explained.
Running out of options Anon got onto his hind leg, assuming the position of someone on one knee “darling” he began “no” Luna shut down flatly. Looking around Anon turned to a passing member of the night guard “darling” he began again before again being shut down “I have a colt friend” he said before continuing on his route.
Suddenly Anon was lifted up by a blue aura “thou have 48 hours to obtain a wife or thou will be deported to the nearest foreign nation” Luna said before yeeting Anon through the portal.
As the portal closed Anon laid there on the floor contemplating his next move.
There was no way he could get a mare to marry him in two days. This place didn’t even know what polygamy was until he explained it to Cadance… or at least he thinks that’s the case.
But either way Anon had a good guess he couldn’t marry Cup due to her being already married.
Getting to his feet he went over to the coffee table. Grabbing a pen and quill he began writing the letter that may save his bacon.
Dear Celestia
We’ve got a problem.
When I first arrived in your throne room all that time ago I was more preoccupied with how fluffy and adorable you are. Hence the continued reinforcements that you are indeed a very good horse-princess.
But I digress.
It turns out you didn’t give me legal citizenship when I was released into your lands (not your fault) and Luna has found out.
She’s given me 2 days to find somepony with citizenship to marry, otherwise I’ll be kicked out of the country.
Now you can see why this is difficult to do. So I was wondering if I could get my hands on some of that citizenship if you don’t mind.
Love, your main stallion.
PS: it’s me, Anon.
PPS: sorry again for what I did to your nephew he was being a prick.
PPPS: inform him that restraining order can’t protect him
Sealing the envelope Anon, using his umbrella as the sun began to come up, placed it in the mailbox hoping the mailmare would be along to send it.
But he couldn’t hitch all his bets on Sun-Booty saving his flank.
Looking around his house Anon sighed “I hate to say it, but I’ve gotta find me a mare who ISN'T already married” he said to himself before using his umbrella to head into town in search of a bride “or at least one who’s willing to leave her husband for the Anon-Dong” he added.
Thinking through his list of options Anon had to again cross Cup Cake out. She was already married and Anon wasn’t convinced Carrot would be thrilled with having to share his marriage. Sex is a different package entirely but not marriage.
Still there was one mare in Sugarcube Corner who might be able to help. Entering the bakery Anon could see a flash of Pinkie whizzing around from table to table leaving sugary goods in its wake.
“Hey Nonny! What are you doing so early? Did you blow up your house again?” Pinkie asked “Pinkie will you marry me?” Anon asked. The entire shop went quiet as everyone almost froze in place “sorry I should have been more accurate, Pinkie will you PRETEND to marry me so I don’t get deported for being an illegal immigrant?” Anon asked a second time.
“Ooooooh, yep sure that makes way more sense!” Pinkie agreed. Sighing in relief Anon relaxed a little “thanks Pinks, I owe you big time” Anon thanked “okie-dokie, but we’ve gotta make it look super real” Pinkie stated “any ideas?” Anon asked “well~” Pinkie said with a mischievous smile spreading across her face.
Zipping forward Pinkie’s muzzle squished against Anon’s “I want a baby!” She said as her smile produced a squeaking sound.
“Hm hm, hey what’s that?” Anon asked, pointing his hoof behind Pinkie. Turning to look she saw a colt sat eating jam out of the jar, freezing as he realised he was being watched.
Turning back Pinkie noticed Anon was gone, the door swinging slightly “was-was that a yes?” Carrot asked “he didn’t say no~” Pinkie responded.
“Well that was a close shave” Anon said to himself “ok now I need to try plan B” he added “B of course being for Big Mac”
Entering Sweet Apple Acres Anon trotted up to the door of the Apple family residence. Knocking on it four times he waited for a response.
“I’m comin I’m comin” a cranky old voice called out. Opening the door Anon was slightly disappointed to see not Big Mac but Granny Smith standing at the door. And I use the term standing loosely.
“What do you want boy?” She asked in a less than friendly tone “sorry to intrude but is Big Mac here?” Anon asked. Raising a wrinkled eyebrow Granny pointed out to the orchid “thank you” Anon thanked before heading out towards the apple trees.
Seeing the red stallion, Anon approached his friend “yo Big Mac!” He called out getting his attention “hate to interrupt your work but we need to talk real quick” Anon explained “eeyep” Mac said.
“Listen, you know how we’ve known each other for a long time right?”
“Eeyep”
“And I’ve helped your family wherever I could, asking nothing in return right?”
“Eeyep”
“Well now I’m asking, I need you to convince your sister to pretend to marry me so I don’t get deported to Yakyakistan”
“Nnope”
“What do you mean nnope!?” Anon said “my life is on the line here! You’re her brother she’ll listen to you” Anon stated. Falling on his knees Anon grew more desperate by the second “please Big Mac, I can’t go to Yakyakistan, last time I went to a place with Stan in the name I got arrested for doing my Borat impression by accident! It was not a great success!” Anon begged.
Looking Anon in the eyes, Big Mac could tell he was genuinely scared. Letting out a sigh, Big Mac pointed to the other end of the field. There Applejack was bucking trees and collecting the apples with Applebloom.
“Thank you my friend” Anon said as he began trotting away “that poor poor colt” Big Mac sighed to himself.
Placing another apple in the cart Applebloom noticed Anon approaching. Ginning wildly the filly ran up almost tackling the stallion’s leg trying to hug him “Anon how ya been? You don’t visit enough” she asked, oblivious to Anon trying to shake her off his leg “I’m good Bloom, can you let go now?” Anon asked, shaking his trapped leg progressively harder to no avail.
“Applebloom you heard Anon” Applejack said using a stern tone “fine” Applebloom said reluctantly letting go.
“How’s it been sugarcube?” Applejack asked in her rich southern accent “good good, actually I came here to ask a favour if you don’t mind” Anon explained “sure thing, you’ve helped out in the past. B’out time we repay it, Applebloom go see if Big Mac needs a hoof while Anon and I chat” Applejack told her sister “ok, come back soon Anon!” The filly said as she raced across the field.
“So what’s this favour sugarcube?” She asked “well, it turns out I’m an illegal immigrant. Now Luna’s trying to deport me” Anon explained shocking Applejack “what? Well that ain’t right at all” she said, getting genuinely annoyed by the news “eeyep” Anon said doing a half-assed Big Mac impression “I’ve sent a letter to Celestia trying to sort it out but I’m not putting all my hopes on her. The only other way I’ll be able to stay in Equestria is if I… marry someone who already lives here” he explained.
Applejack’s eyes went wide for a moment “you see where I’m going with this?” Anon asked. Adjusting her hat, Applejack started to look uncomfortable with the situation “Anon, you’re a real good friend but… I’m not ready for that kind of commitment” she said apologetically “and I can’t try and pull wool over the princess’s eyes. It just ain’t honest” she added “I can get behind that, still I’m not out of options yet. And if all else fails I’ll just have to flee into the woods and vibe with Zecora for a few months and prey Cup’s foal comes out with bat wings” Anon said chuckling at the end.
Joining him with a light laugh Applejack went back to work “good luck Anon, and if things don’t turn out right I’ll try and visit you wherever you end up, Applebloom will be happy to see ya” Applejack said “thanks AJ, also if Pinkie comes by I was never here” Anon said “do I want to know?” Applejack asked “no” Anon responded as he left the mare to her work.
“Ok that’s two down four to go. It ain’t looking up for old Anon” Anon said to himself as he headed towards Fluttershy’s cottage.
The two didn’t talk much but that was more down to his solitary nature and her timidness than a general disliking of each other.
Knocking on the door Anon waited for a while before it swung open “evening Flutters” Anon greeted. Putting on a kind smile Fluttershy greeted him back “h-hello Anon, what brings you here?” She asked “actually I need a favour, Luna wants to deport me so I kind of came here to ask you to pretend to be my wife” he explained.
For a moment Anon thought he was looking at Big Mac’s twin, as Fluttershy’s blush managed to cover her entire face “I-I-I-I” she stuttered repeatedly “it’s ok if you don’t want to, I know it’s really sudden and- ow!” Anon began before a carrot was launched into his face.
The culprit, a certain white shitstain of a rabbit stood on the top of the building launching another one at him “Angel!” Fluttershy called out, snapping out of her trance. Flapping her wings she flew up trying to catch the rabbit as it continued to pelt Anon. When he ran out of carrots he started moving onto rocks, all while hopping about to avoid Fluttershy.
As the rocks got larger Anon cut his losses and retreated from the area. Plotting to one day return and test if he remembered his grandmother’s rabbit pie recipe.
“Ok maybe Twilight, at least her pet is cool” Anon said, nursing the bump on his head.
The library seemed pretty empty, yet again with the Princess of Bookworms living here Anon was 99% sure the whole “I run a library” thing was a cover to hide Twiggle’s book hoarding problem.
“Hello?” Anon called out “coming!” The voice of Spike said as he waddled down the stairs “hey Anon what’s up?” Spike asked “is Twilight here? I’ve come to ask for her hoof in marriage” Anon explained. Spike’s jaw dropped. Like, reeeealy dropped.
Lifting it out of the two inch deep hole it created, Spike cleared his throat. “Y-yeah sure let me go get her” he said climbing back up the stairs.
“Afternoon Anon, how can I help?” Twilight asked, coming down the stairs. “I need you to marry me so I don’t get deported,” Anon explained.
“Oh, so Princess Celestia’s letter wasn’t a joke” she said reluctantly.
“Letter? What letter?!” Anon asked “she sent me a letter explaining Princess Luna was planning to deport you for illegal immigration, she’s working on a solution but now that the diarchy has been restored she’ll have to convince Princess Luna to agree to you getting citizenship” Twilight explained.
“Yeah so you see my problem” Anon stated “yes, yes I do” she responded.
A moment of silence passed before Anon spoke again “so we are getting married or what?” Anon asked “I’m sorry but I have to say no” Twilight apologised “oh come on please?” Anon half begged.
“Anon I know you’re in trouble but I only just started to have friends, if I do end up getting married I want it to be with that special somepony” Twilight explained.
“Damn it, well I can’t blame you for that” Anon said “have you tried Pinkie? She seems to be the one of us who you spend the most time around” Twilight suggested “she wants a foal, I’ve already got one mouth on the way” Anon explained “Fluttershy?” Twilight said “Angel” Anon said.
“Applejack?”
“Pretending to be married is dishonesty”
Twilight thought for a second “Rainbow Dash?” She said quickly realising she was running out of friends. Anon thought for a second. He hadn’t tried asking Rainbow had he?
“Ok, Dash it is”
You know that old saying “the worst she can say is no”? Well that was clearly a blatant lie.
For you see Dash didn’t say no, she just stood there laughing, for six minutes.
“Y-y-you thought ‘hah!’ That I would ‘pfft’ with you! That’s hilarious!” Rainbow howlled “oh come on it’s not like you’ve got anyone lining up or something” Anon argued.
“Hey Dashie what’s the holdup?” A feminine voice came from upstairs. Hearing it Rainbow froze, her laughter died faster than a plague victim.
“Dash, who was that?” Anon asked “er, uh, nopony! Thanks for dropping by but I’ve got to feed my plant and water my turtle bye-“ she sputtered out trying to close the door.
Looking down in horror as a yellow/orange hoof blocked it the source of the second voice became clear “Rainbow, why is Spitfire from the Wonderbolts in your house?” Anon asked “Dashie here invited my team round for a bit of ‘after party fun’” she explained.
Anon couldn’t be the one to judge about arranging orgies but after the six minutes he just lived through he couldn’t help but give the most judging look imaginable “hey don’t look at me like that!” Rainbow said in an uncharacteristically embarrassed voice “so, what’s your name tall dark and fuzzy~” Spitfire asked “Anon” he said introducing himself “well ‘Anon’ the teams waiting upstairs, there’s room for one more of you’re up for it” she invited making the heavily blushing Rainbow Dash look like she wanted to die to escape this situation.
Looking at the non existent watch on his wrist Anon shrugged “eh, I’ve got time for a quick orgy” he shrugged following Spitfire up the stairs with Dash trailing behind “I’m gonna get you for this” she whispered to the stallion in front of her “promises promises” Anon whispered back.
He knew Dash was going to hurt him. But at this point it’s worth it.
After a sports orgy and a quick trip to the medical clinic for shattered ribs Anon found himself stood outside Rarity’s home Anon planned out his next move. This was the last real female friend who lived in town.
“Ok Anon, maximum effort,” he said to himself.
Entering the boutique Anon looked around. The place was pretty dead, no customers whatsoever.
“Oh Anon it’s just you” the voice of Rarity called out from behind him. Turning he saw the mare carrying a large box with fabrics sticking out the top “hey Rare, want a hoof with that?” He asked to take the box off of her.
Wiping a bead of sweat from her brow Rarity turned her attention back to Anon “that you for that darling, you really are a knight in shining armour” she thanked.
Trying not to drop the deceptively heavy box Anon followed Rarity to the storage room. Placing the box in a pile with a few others Anon rolled his shoulders a little trying to get rid of the sore feeling.
“So what can I help you with darling?” Rarity asked.
“Alright Anon, here goes nothing” he thought to himself “Rarity, Luna found out I was technically an illegal immigrant, now I have only 20 hours to marry a citizen or I’ll be deported unless Celestia can somehow convince her to let this one slide. I wouldn’t be asking this if I could think of any other option. Rarity, will you pretend to marry me?” Anon asked, explaining his whole situation.
“Alright” Rarity said with a sultry smile on her face “really?” Anon asked, thinking there must be a catch somewhere. “Well I’d be a lier if I said I didn’t see what a handsome stallion you’ve become Anon, so why not be married for a little while?” Rarity explained.
Relaxing Anon let his guard down, not noticing Rarity’s horn light up with magic “thanks Rare, I owe you one-“ he said before he felt something wrap around his neck.
Feeling along his neck he found himself in a leather collar “Rarity, care to explain” he said sheepishly “oh my dear Anon, you didn’t think it would be that easy did you? The deal is simple, I’ll be your bride if, and only if, you can last one hour without climaxing” Rarity explained as she summoned a riding crop from one of the boxes “and don’t worry, Sweetie Belle's is spending the day with her friends, so we have the whole place to ourselves~” she added licking her lips slowly.
“Ok brain think up a way out of this” Anon thought to himself.
“What’s that?” Anon asked, pointing behind Rarity. Turning her head she only saw a few boxes of materials stacked together.
Looking back she saw that Anon was gone and the sound of the front door opening could be heard.
“Why do stallions always react like that?” Rarity asked herself.
Zecora’s hut wasn’t hard to find. Look for the tree covered in masks and you’re there.
“What has made you so down, that it has brought you to my side of town?” The zebra asked “we’re not in a town but ok” Anon said getting technical “I need you to marry me, or at least pretend to so I can use your immigration forms to legally continue living in Equestria” Anon explained.
Zecora stayed silent for a moment before answering “you need forms to live here?” She asked, her lack of rhythms indicating she didn’t know either.
“Well shit, looks like it’s onto plan G” Anon signed reluctantly.
“Big Mac, will you marry me?” Anon asked standing at the Apple family door at 3 in the morning “… eh, eeyep” Big Mac agreed, knowing whenever Anon got desperate he tended to do dumb shit.
“Wake up you lazy varmint!” The sound of a very grumpy old bat said as Anon was launched out of his bed.
Rubbing the segment of his head he landed on, Anon looked to see Granny Smith looking at him with her usual disappointed glare “it’s five in the morning, what are you doing still in bed?” She asked “still in bed? Lady, I don't go to sleep until four in the morning. My race is nocturnal” Anon explained “nocturnal? What farm work could you possibly get done at night?” She asked “I don’t do farm work remember? I write novels” he said.
“Bah! What good is reading? That’s for getting foals to sleep, you’re an Apple now sonny it’s about time you started acting like one” Granny stated “why does everyone assume I took Mac’s name? You realise we aren’t actually married right? We’re just pretending to be so I don't get deported” Anon stated.
“Pretending or not I’m not having some layabout under my roof” she said heading downstairs.
For the sake of appearances Anon had moved into a spare room at Sweet Apple Acres. Rather until he and Big Mac had been “married” long enough for him to get citizenship or until Princess Celestia can sort things out with Luna. It wasn’t that bad most days, he and Big Mac were still best friends, Applejack was teaching him how to make apple cider when they had the time and Applebloom was having fun having two older brothers.
Then there was Granny Smith…
Now originally Anon was worried she’d be against the whole thing considering well… She’s old, and southern, and Anon was convinced she didn’t know how to spell her own name.
But that was the least of Anon’s troubles from the old bat. She didn’t seem to understand that he’s not a farm worker, or that he catches fire when in direct sunlight.
“It’s only for a little while longer Anon, you just need to wait it out” he said to himself climbing back into bed “and who knows maybe this sham will outlive her and we can get a whopping inheritance hehehehehehehe” he added chuckling to himself.
After a few hours of reclaiming stolen rest Anon had the energy to crawl out of bed. The moon was high in the sky and the Apple family was fast asleep.
Sure it meant Anon didn’t have to deal with the bitch queen from hell he knew as Granny but it made sneaking out slightly more of a challenge.
Needing to use the window of his room Anon made his way back to his actual home on the edge of the Everfree.
It had been rebuilt into a more spacious house on par with what was standard in Ponyville.
Going inside he collapsed onto his sofa.
The Apple’s were a tough family, resulting in their furniture being equally tough. Anon was far too floofy and relaxed for that kind of living.
“Stupid Luna, everything was fine until she started asking questions” Anon grumbled to himself “we assume this ‘stupid Luna’ is another mare who happens to bear our royal name” a less than approving voice said behind him.
Doing a double flip Anon landed on the floor with a hard thud. Getting back to his feet Anon turned to see Princess Luna stood at the other end of the sofa “erm, yes. Yes there is a second pony I know named Luna, but her name is spelt with a oo instead of a u” Anon lord through his teeth.
Raising an eyebrow of doubt Luna took a seat on the sofa “we see” she said. Taking a seat on the other end of the sofa Anon sat there awkwardly while trying to figure out why she’s here.
The two sat in silence for a minute or two before the silence was broken. Luna turning to Anon lit up her horn with magic.
A mirror of light appeared in front of the two. An image of a cave surrounded by woodlands appeared with a pair of large humanoid creatures with doglike features standing at the front of it.
“We have received reports that a pack of diamond dogs have migrated to the Everfree forest in order to set up a mine, apparently another pack had set up operations in the area before but have been recently driven out. It appears these new visitors intend to do the same” Luna explained.
When the name diamond dogs was uttered Anon got a short flashback to the girls telling him how Rarity got ponynapped by some creatures of the same name. Apparently they were hulking dog creatures who were obsessed with gems and other shiny things. Supposedly they were pretty stupid.
“We wish for you to clear them out, their society is backwards and engages in slavery. If they are permitted to grow they could become a threat to all towns along the Everfree’s borders” Luna explained" Wait, if they’re so dangerous then why aren't Twilight and her friends the ones being sent after them?” Anon asked “we cannot rely on Twilight for everything Anon, additionally this mission will require more ruthless methods than what the Element Bearers are accustomed to. You on the other hoof, from what we have observed thou are…” Luna tried to explain before trailing off looking for the right words “a maniac from a planet that would make your world’s most evil beings shit their collective pants?” Anon asked.
Looking away for a second, almost sheepishly Luna nodded “that would be the correct description” Luna explained “ok, now what’s in it for me?” Anon asked. Luna was taken aback by this “we, we beg your pardon?” She asked “what am I getting out of this? It sounds like you expect me to fix this problem so what am I getting out of it?” Anon explained further.
“We can grant you thy coveted citizenship”
“Gonna get it in a year anyways”
“We can pay in bits”
“I make more than my husband’s family farm in the same timeframe”
Luna was getting annoyed by Anon’s difficulty “then what do you want!” She all but snapped. Thinking for a moment Anon got a little grin on his face “I want a favour” he explained.
“A, favour?” Luna asked “yep, a royal favour to be called in at any time” Anon explained.
“If thou intend to try any mating rituals with us using this as leverage” Luna threatened calmly “I’m not Princess trust me, having a royal owe you just comes with a lot of perks” Anon explained.
Luna wasn’t entirely sure about this but beyond going in and wrecking them herself, something that would defeat the point of her trying to show her citizens she wasn’t scary. Relenting Luna nodded her head “we will grant you ONE royal favour, but we expect you to be grateful” Luna said, trying to sound like she maintained the high ground in these negotiations.
Anon already knew exactly how to manipulate this to his advantage.
The cave was exactly where Luna said it would be. Dig into the side of a small hill of stone barely classifying as a mountain.
While going through the Everfree had become relatively easy to deal with due to the many trips Anon had taken there, these diamond dogs may not. From what Anon had been told they’re big and strong but also dangerously stupid.
“You know, a gem mine may not be such a bad investment, and these things TECHNICALLY aren’t citizens so paying them under minimum wage isn’t illegal” Anon mused to himself. Whatever areas of his brain responsible for moral goodness and righteousness were quickly beaten by the part of his brain that controlled his greed.
Approaching the cave Anon was stopped. Standing at the entrance was a large semi-anthropomorphic dog-like creature in shabbily made armour.
“Halt!” It said pointing its spear at Anon “you can’t go in there” the guard said “said who?” Anon asked “what?” The guard asked in a confused voice “who said I can’t go in there?” Anon asked. Scratching the top of his helmet the guard looked down at Anon “well… I don’t know?” He admitted “well why don’t you let me go in and I’ll see who said that” Anon suggested “uuh, I guess that makes sense” the guard said moving to the side and letting Anon past.
The dimly lit cave went on for a good while, eventually it turned from a natural dug out into a man made… well dog-made tunnel.
In the distance Anon could hear the sound of mining in the distance. Metal clanking against stone grew louder and louder.
Coming to a large cavern Anon could see dozens of diamond dogs digging through the stone and dirt making new tunnels or expanding the existing cavern. On a pedestal at the far end of the cavern sat a particularly large dog sitting on a pile of gemstones.
“Ok found the boss” Anon said to himself “now how do I take over the mine?” He added rubbing his chin with his hoof.
“Luna said they practised slavery, so it’s safe to say it’s a strong over the weak situation. What’s more brutal and uncaring villainy than slavery?” Anon thought to himself. He pondered for a moment before it hit him.
“Unions”
Trotting up to the nearest dog he gently tapped its shoulder “what you want pony?” It asked in broken speech “hi I’m Anon, you want to join my Miners Union?” Anon asked with an uncharacteristically polite tone that just confused the dog.
“You-nion?” He asked “no not you-nion, a union. Basically everybody in this mine signs up to the union then a union representative, that’s me, gives the management a list of reasonable demands from the workers or we stop working” Anon explained.
“Stop working? But the boss is boss, we stop working he will punish us” the diamond dog said cowering at the thought “that’s why we need everyone to sign up, there’s dozens of you and only one of him” Anon explained “come on there’s got to be something you want right? Better pay? Days off?” Anon asked.
The confused look on the diamond dog turned to that of someone who just heard a foreign language for the first time “what’s pay?” He asked “you know, pay. When you do so many hours of work and you get given money for your efforts. Or in your case some gems” Anon explained.
“We don’t get paid, all the gems go to the boss” he explained “well you should be getting paid. Say, one gem a day? So are you in or out?” Anon asked “I in” he stated “good, now go convince the others while I go give the demands for pay to the boss” Anon said as he began moving towards the gem covered pedestal the diamond dog boss was sat on.
He looked like the typical diamond dog, grey fur, sickly yellow/green eyes with small pupils. The main difference was the sheer size of him, the next largest diamond dog by comparison was roughly twice Anon’s size. This one was even larger, bordering on being four times the stallion’s size.
“What are you doing in my mine pony? I told the guards no ponies!” The towering beast snarled as he looked down onto Anon.
Having dealt with Pinkie during a heat cycle Anon was far less easy to scare than the diamond dog was expecting “hello, I’m Anon, I’m with the Worker’s Union and Equestrian Revenue Service” Anon introduced himself lying through his teeth about the last bit.
Raising an eyebrow the diamond dog got off his throne of gems and walked over to Anon “I’m Boss Dog, this is my mine, these are my slaves. What I say goes and I say no ponies!” Boss Dog introduced himself, barking out the last sentence, drool flying all over Anon’s face.
“Ok I’ll need to get a wet wipe after this” Anon thought to himself “well we just need to sort out your taxes and the worker’s complaints and I’ll be in my way” Anon said wiping his face with his fore-leg.
“Taxes!? I’m not going to pay taxes!” Boss Dog insisted “usually I’d agree but I have a job to do, by the princess’s orders I need to inform you of any and all taxes you need to pay in order to continue business in Equestria, let’s see what taxes are there?” Anon continued to lie like a politician.
“From what I’ve observed so far there are dozens of types of taxes you haven been paying. Income tax, business tax, capital gains tax-“ Anon droned on, the ever growing list made Boss Dog cover his ears trying to block the noise out “stop it, stupid pony stop talking!” He roared, almost sounding as if he was in pain. “windows tax, stamp tax, urine tax, hat tax, carbon emissions tax, beard tax” Anon continued “we are diamond dogs we don’t have beards!” Boss Dog cried out “knowledge tax, brick tax, and down even get me started on your ESG score because that is abysmal” Anon trailed on.
“Enough!” Boss Dog roared, the power behind it enough to shake the very walls. Rocks came loose and some diamond dogs scampered away in fear “you know so much?! It's your mine now!” Boss Dog said glaring with utter disgust at Anon. Who luckily had stopped listing taxes.
Watching the hulking giant leave with his hoard Anon was left in the middle of the cavern, surrounded by stunned diamond dogs “so uh, what we do now?” One asked looking to his kin “for now just get back to digging, tomorrow? Well, there’s going to be a few changes around here” Anon stated.
Another month passed since Anon took control of the mine. Getting the diamond dogs organised was a pain in his not so jolly green rump. Teaching them about modern mining practices (well what passed for it in Equestria) was harder. Using his own wealth amassed from book sales, Luna’s begrudging payments for helping her dream patrols and a few bits he may have made being a porch pirate at the Rich family home he got proper minecart tracks laid down and actual equipment instead of the dumb dogs digging with their paws.
On top of that despite “technically” being an illegal operation the mine still produced a ton of paperwork involved in running it. Salaries, equipment costs and general upkeep was a bitch.
But it worked. Profits were up, the miners were happy and all was right with the world.
There was just one thing making his life a headache.
“Why the hell is the rain chocolate? Oh god they didn’t let Pinkie run the weather team did they?” Anon asked out loud.
(JoJo music plays in the background)
Turning around Anon saw what looked like a tube with mismatched animal limbs standing in orange chaos and a matching coat “ok literally what the fuck?” Anon said “you thought it was Pinkie Pie, but it was me! Discord!” The creature explained, its weird goat face smiling back at Anon.
“Who?”
AN: the weird part is all those taxes Anon mentioned were real at some point. Look it up. You
“I’m sorry that came out as super rude, what I meant to say was. Who the fuck are you?” Anon asked, completely unaware of the avatar of chaos and disharmony.
“Well that’s simple my little insert, I’m Discord. Master of Chaos and lord of all disharmony in the world” Discord introduced himself.
“Ok… why are you in my house?” Anon asked “well isn’t that obvious? Chaos attracts chaos, and no other being has managed to cause as much chaos in Equestria as you, Anon. Except yours truly of course” Discord explained “I mean going up to the most powerful pony on this rock and giving her belly rubs like she was some kind of dog? Who could have seen that coming?! The randomness of it almost broke me free from my prison in the royal gardens” Discord explained.
“Hey it’s not my fault she was super fluffy” Anon defended himself.
“Regardless no other being has ever shaken the foundations of pony society quite like us, it makes sense we’d meet eventually” Discord said. The more Anon thought of it the more it started to make sense, he wasn’t exactly quiet during his time here on Equestria.
“So… you wanna hang out until Twilight’s friends pull the magic of friendship out of their butts?” Discord asked casually.
“Eh, sure,” Anon said, shrugging.
Grabbing a teapot and kettle Anon started making some tea for his ‘guest’
“So… how are you doing?” Discord asked “eh can’t complain, just got a gem mine so I’ll probably be spending a lot of time down there in the future” Anon said “what about yourself?” He added “good good, just got out of a thousand year stone prison. Might turn the planet into an orange later” Discord explained while taking a sip of his tea “that… might not be so bad I really like oranges” Anon responded seeing the pros of planetary terraforming of the citrus form.
“What about your form, have you gotten used to it well?” Discord asked “it was difficult to adapt to at first but the biggest issue I’ve got left is dealing with the sun” Anon said.
“You know I can help with that” Discord offered “if you’re planning to turn the sun into a lightbulb or a picture of a sun please don’t” Anon responded.
“I mean I can turn you back into a human if you want me to” Discord explained.
Anon thought back to when he first got turned into a thestral, the constant burn marks, missing so many events because he couldn’t go out in the day without a custom umbrella. All he wanted to do back then was get back to his human form and maybe go home.
“Actually, I’m good where I am” Anon stated. Raising an eyebrow Discord leaned forwards, obviously intrigued by the response.
“Oh? And why would a human want to live in such a limited form” Discord asked.
“Well, at first I thought I would be home in a week when I first got here. Then a week turned into a month, that month turned into two years. I’ve accepted that wherever earth is I’m not going back. Once I accepted it Equestria became my home, while being the only one of my kind was a novelty I felt… isolated, I realised what being the only one of my kind was like” Anon explained “it feels pretty lonely huh man” Discord said “Eeyep” Anon responded “in its own way this is the best gift I could have asked for. I may still be somewhat seen as an outsider by others, but I feel like I finally belong here. Even if these pastel ponies still drive me up the wall sometimes” Anon finished, a light smile showing on his face.
Then Discord made a fake barfing noise, ruining the moment.
“Listen, it’s nice you feel at home but this is getting a little mushy for this old cowcolt, to add a little anarchy to the situation here. Have a gift” he said snapping his fingers and materialising a box on the table.
Looking over the gift of Discord took the form of a pair of sunglasses that vaughly resembled the ones worn by the Terminator “just keep these puppies on and you’ll never have to worry about Celly’s sun cooking you ever again” Discord explained.
Putting them on Anon looked around his room, despite their appearance Anon’s vision wasn’t muddled in the slightest by the shades “so, how do I look?” Anon asked “like you’re about to ask for my clothes, my boots, and my motorcycle” Discord said “good, that’s what I was aiming for” Anon stated proudly as he started humming the iconic theme.
“Anyhow let’s get going, we have a lot of chaos to do!” Discord said, snapping his fingers again. Being ripped from his comfy chair Anon found himself on a cloud made of what smelt like feta cheese overlooking Equestria.
Oddly enough despite it being midday he didn’t feel any burning sensations. In fact the Sun for once felt quite pleasant on his fur “huh, these glasses really are something” Anon said commenting on his gift “of course, I made them after all” Discord said proudly.
“Ok ok you’re the OG Gucci I get it. So where should we start?”Anon asked “ladies first” Discord said with a light bow “but I’m not a…” Anon began before a sudden, dreadful realisation hit him.
Looking down between ‘his’ legs Anon noticed three objects missing “is it the glasses?” Anon asked calmly, trying not to chew out the chaos god “no, I just swapped some parts while we were moving, nice flank by the way” Discord explained, trying to complement Anon’s rear, which had massively swelled in size.
“So what chaos do you want to unleash first?” Discord asked again “I can’t ask for my dong back so might as well have some fun until Twiggles kamehameha’s this guy into oblivion” Anon thought to HERself.
“Hmm, I was thinking turning the grass blue and the sky green for a start”
With a click of his fingers Discord caused the sky and grass to swap colours “starting small I can get behind that” Discord said “now I wonder how life would react if all their drinking water turned them into a different breed of pony” he mused to himself zapping rivers and lakes with lightning from his claws.
“What if all the buildings were upside down?” Anon asked.
She wished and she received. All the buildings across Equestira, even the royal castle which could be seen in the distance from this height, flipped.
“Now that is a good one!” Discord cackled. Joining him in the laugh Anon had a good chuckle.
“You know what Nonners, you’re alright” Discord almost praised the thestral, with another snap of his fingers Anon regained his stallionhood and lost the more curvy aspects of his anatomy “I hope at least Celly enjoyed being on the other side of the mirror for a while” Discord chuckled “wait what was tha-'' Anon tried to ask before a lion way was cupped over his muzzle. Using his claw to operate a telescope Discord looked down to Ponyville with a frown spread on his face.
“A story for another time Nonners, looks like Twilight’s friends have gotten their act together” he said before teleporting himself and his new partner in crime back to Anon’s house “well that’s how the script goes I suppose. It was nice meeting you Anon, I’ll see you in a few seasons!” Discord said joyfully as he flew out of the window, shattering the glass onto grass in front of the house as he did.
“What is it with this world and damaging my house?” Anon complained to himself.
Twilight and her friends were able to imprison Discord in stone once more. With most of his chaos magic dispelled, life returned to normal in Ponyville. Well as close to normal as the land of diabetes level sweet pastel ponies can get.
The last remaining vestige of Discord’s magic was Anon’s shades. Due to their nature Anon had to repeatedly lie about where he got them claiming “internet” every time.
Anon visited Discord every hour and then. Seeing him in stone form was oddly calming for the thestral, seeing the guy who gave him an involuntary sex change in stone form.
“Hello Anon” a voice called out from behind him.
Turning Anon could see the senior diarch of Equestira, Princess Celestia stood smiling at him “morning Sun-Mama, what’s up? '' he greeted causally.
He would have, no, should have learned to treat an immortal ruler with more respect. But when you’ve blown raspberries into said ruler’s stomach telling her she’s a good horsy it’s kind of hard to take her seriously.
Not that she seemed to mind one of his various nicknames for her being used opposed to her title. Her chuckle manages to prove the contrary.
“The Sun as usual, speaking of which I see you’ve managed to gain some form of immunity to your race’s, let’s say disadvantage” she said, looking directly at Anon’s sunglasses “what can I say, I’ve got nothing but Ws lately” Anon said confidently making the princess chuckle again.
She knew he got the glasses from Discord. The moment she noticed her flank had shrunk and her marehood became stallionhood and was swapped back she knew the chaos spirit was up to her old tricks.
Anon ‘finding’ glasses that allowed him to survive in direct sunlight was the least likely of the options.
But that had all been resolved and she didn’t want to take away the one thing that allowed Anon to move about like he had when he was human.
So for her little human/pony she would fake ignorance.
“So how have you been since the last time I visited?” Anon asked “unfortunately Canterlot remains mostly unchanged, nobles still squabble and bicker amongst themselves. But with Luna back things have been getting better” Celestia explained." Everything's easier when there’s someone to shoulder the burden” Anon commented.
Nodding in agreement Celestia and Anon began walking through the gardens. A pair of unicorns in gold armour followed them around as they walked.
“So I hear you got married from Twilight, congratulations” Celestia congratulated, much to Anon’s grim “yeah, sorry I didn’t have time to invite you I was under a bit of a… time crunch so it was a bit of a shotgun wedding” Anon explained.
“Yes…” Celestia said awkwardly remembering the whole situation Luna had created “I am sorry about that Anon, I get so many letters a day from nobles, foreign dignitaries, Twilight, by the time I got around to yours it was too late” Celestia apologised “it’s ok, just another two years and eight months and I can get citizenship and file for a divorce” Anon said very casually.
It was a little too casual for Celestia’s taste “don’t you feel any regret? What will your wife think when you leave her?” She asked, concerned for the morality of her friend “oh Big Mac’s a big colt, I’m sure he’ll take it well. Plus I don’t want to sound paranoid but I think he’s cheating on me with Applebloom’s teacher” Anon explained “cheating? Anon are you sure? Wait, Big Mac?” Celestia asked as she got more questions and answers.
“Yeah, I walked in on her using his face as a chair once, she said it was an exercise, but I’ve started getting suspicious ever since I lost a night of work due to the sound of her screaming “breed me breed me breed me!” While she was supposed to be using my bathroom Anon continued to explain, mostly just messing with the princess at this point “and… why was she in your bathroom?” Celestia asked.
“Big Mac explained Cheerilee is really loud so they can’t do it at his place” Anon explained “and, you let them use your place for that?” She asked, getting slightly uncomfortable, “yeah he’s my homie, and my hubby for now. I’m building up solids so once we’re divorced I can start hitting on Applejack with impunity from Granny Smith. The woman is way too traditional in some areas” Anon said “but enough about me how is Luna settling back into her role as princess?” Anon asked.
Clearing her throat and being mentally grateful that Anon changed subject.
“She’s adapting well, reestablishing the night court after a thousand years of being dissolved is difficult but Luna is a proud mare, I have faith in her. Oh, there are thestral families moving into Canterlot because they have members serving in the guard, the night life will be thriving as it did a millenia ago” Celestia explained “cool, might have to drop in at some point. Since I’m staying as a thestral I should probably connect to my new roots” Anon said.
“Excuse me Princess” one of the guards behind us piped up “a letter has just arrived, the Yaks request your presence for a diplomatic meeting as soon as possible” he continued.
Letting out a light sigh Celestia gave Anon an apologetic look “I’m sorry to cut our conversation short Anon” she said “it’s all good princess, the affairs of state and whatnot” Anon said trying to reassure his friend “will you be in the capital much longer?” She asked “unfortunately not, I’ve got business back home that can’t wait long. But I make a habit of coming back every three to four weeks so we can meet up again if you want” he explained.
Smiling, Celestia’s horn lit up with magic, a scroll with the royal seal appeared and floated down into Anon’s hoof “consider this a gift, from one friend to another” she said.
I Princess Celestia hereby grant full Equestrian citizenship upon Anonymous, formerly Anonymous the Human.
For exemplary service in expanding our cultural literature , unwavering bravery in the face of Equestria’s enemies and endless compassion to his fellow ponies.
As such he in entitled to all the rights and privileges of a citizen and bound by the same laws.
For friendship and harmony.
“Wait there isn’t another green thestral named Anon running about right? This is meant for me?” Anon asked double-checking if it was for him letting out one last chuckle Celestia nodded as she took off into the sky with her wings.
Looking over what he assumed was a citizenship certificate or something Anon folded it and put it away in his saddle bag “whelp, time to get a divorce” he said cheerfully as he left the royal gardens, making his way back to the train station.
The ride back home was uneventful, except for that couple who thought they were being sneaky but weren’t. He arrived back in Ponyville after a day and a half’s travel.
Canterlot was a nice place for Anon, the sights, the culture and the food. If only the locals didn’t bloody live there.
Dropping his saddle bag off at his place Anon went straight to Sweet Apple Acres to break the news to Big Mac.
Entering the farm he spotted the Apple family hard at work as per usual.
“Anon!” Applebloom called out charging at her ‘big brother’ excitedly as usual. Wrapping his front leg into a hug Applebloom hung on as if her life depended on it, much to the detriment of Anon who continued walking, the process becoming more difficult as the added weight of a foal slowed him down.
“Hey Bloom” Anon greeted, unable to be mad at her.
“Welcome back sugarcube” Applejack greeted “good to be back, but I do need to speak with Big Mac about something so would you mind?” Anon asked holding up his foal covered fore-leg “sure thing, Applebloom, let go of Anon’s leg” AJ said using a more authoritative tone with her sister “ok, see ya later Anon” Applebloom said releasing Anon’s leg and going back to her chores.
“You can find Big Mac up on the other end of the field” Applejack said pointing in the direction with her hoof “thanks” Anon thanked before leaving the mare to her work.
Finding Big Mac pulling a cart Anon trotted up to his ‘husband’ “evening Big Mac, you good buddy?” Anon asked “eeyep” Big Mac responded “good. hey listen I just got Equestrian citizenship from Princess Celestia and… well, now that my residency isn’t at risk I think we should get a divorce” Anon explained.
“Eeyep” he nodded before going back to work “oh, this was super easy I don’t know why tv makes such a big deal of this” Anon said “see you at the bar tonight?” He asked “eeyep” Big Mac responded.
While it seemed like all would return to normal easily, poor Anon had no idea how the Equestrian divorce system worked.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” Anon cried out in pain while he sat within a cubicle of paperwork. Since he got citizenship he’s had to file every form and comply with every regulation. It became pretty clear to Anon why there were so few griffons, minotaurs and zebras living in Equestria.
“Paperwork is a bitch!” He proclaimed to the bureaucrat gods, swearing vengeance for their cruelty.
To be fair only about half of the paperwork was due to him getting citizenship. The rest were filling in divorce papers.
Now that he wasn’t at risk of being deported Anon and Big Mac began the painfully lengthy divorce program.
It turns out that letting the Princess of Love make up the rules and regulations around divorce made it an overly lengthy process. The objective being to supposedly buy Cadance time to fix the couple’s problems instead of just ending an unhappy marriage and letting the two get along with their lives.
Anon sat reading through a questionnaire on why his and Big Mac’s marriage failed. Unfortunately “he’s got a dick” isn’t an available answer.
Why did your love weaken?
Are you sure you can’t give it another chance?
Are you sure you're sure you can’t give it another chance?
“This bitch really doesn't understand why people get a divorce does she?” Anon grumbled to himself. Just as he moved onto the next page he could hear a knock on the door “it’s open!” Anon called out. Still trapped in his walls of paperwork he couldn’t see who it was until they called out for him.
“Anon?” The voice called out “Cadance?” He asked, popping his head over the pile, seeing the pretty pink pony princess standing in the doorway “Cadance!” He called out joyously to see his friend “what kind of sick high are you getting out of this?” Anon asked, his tone immediately switching to venomous.
Blinking a few times Cadance tilted her head “what, what do you mean? And what’s with all the paperwork?” Candance asked “don’t pretend you don’t know, seven out of ten of these pieces of paper are from the divorce paperwork you designed!” Anon explained before pointing out a hoof accusingly at the mare.
“Wait. YOU’RE the one in a unhappy marriage?” She asked genuinely sounding surprised “yep, now if you could streamline this I have a business to run and a capitalist economy to scrape together out of this semi-feudal/barter system mess your kind has created” Anon stated “Anon, this is serious, your marriage is on the line” Cadance explained “yeah, and I want it over the line and into Mexico” he said.
Ignoring the thought to question what a ‘Mexico’ is Cadance pushed on “Anon, marriage is the most powerful expression of love two ponies can give to each other, you can’t just throw it away” she argued “Cadance, you do know why I married Big Mac right? Didn’t Twilight fill you in or something?” Anon asked “I haven’t seen Twilight yet, I came here to do my job first” Cadance responded “well I’ll fill you in, I married him because every one of Twilight and her friends rather said no or had unreasonably demands. I asked Mac to marry me so I wouldn’t get deported, Celestia just gave me full citizenship so I don’t need to keep this sham up anymore. Mac knows that it’s the reason I let him bring his marefriend here for quickies so Granny Smith doesn't lecture him about sex before marriage and shit” Anon explained.
This. This was a lot to take in for Cadance, not for the first time her entire perception on love and marriage got warped by the thestral.
“Wait, you pretended to be married to somepony just so you wouldn’t get deported?” Cadance asked, a bit of disgust in her voice “it was my last option. My letter to Celestia didn’t get through until after the 48 hour limit and I got desperate” Anon explained.
“But enough about me, how’s that mysterious coltfriend you told me about last time we met?” Anon asked wanting to move on from the moral debate of pretending to be married to avoid finding out why he hasn’t seen any other thestrals in Equestria since he got here.
“Well, if you must know. We’re getting married!” Cadance exclaimed happily. The thought being enough to push her conflicted feelings about Anon’s scam aside.
“Well that’s wonderful hun, congratulations” Anon said “thanks, I’m so excited I can barely sleep at night” Cadance said, sounding as excited as a school girl who just got asked out to the prom “that’s true love for ya, so how big is his dick?” Anon asked.
Immediately Cadance snapped out of her giggling trance, her eyes shrinking to pinpricks and her face began to flush “I-I don’t know, we agreed to save ourselves for marriage” she explained “really?” Anon asked, sounding almost like a disappointed parent.
“What’s wrong with saving yourself for your wedding night?” Cadance asked defensively “nothing, in fact I think it’s beautiful. But you two should really get used to each other’s bodies first, what if it turns out he has a micro-penis, or he’s got two of them? These are things you should know beforehand as his future wife” Anon explained “I can’t just ask to… see it” Cadance stated “then don’t, pull him aside when you're alone with him, put your head between his legs and suck like there’s no tomorrow. It’s technically not sex” Anon advised.
Going even redder, Cadance tried to turn the conversation away from sex “on another note, considering my adopted father can’t make it due to a medical complication… And you’re the one who gave me the push I needed to ask him out in the first place” Cadance explained hesitantly “yeeees?” Anon said, anticipation building as he realised where this was going “will you, walk me down the aisle?” She asked.
“Yes!” Anon called out with gusto “this calls for a celebration! Big Mac and I were gonna go for a booze up later. Wanna come?” Anon invited “that, that might be really fun actually. But I’ve never drank more than a glass or two of wine” Cadance warned “don’t worry, I was called Anon Iron Liver back home, just stick with me and I’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you.
Anon got absolutely plastered after five ciders and a shot of rum that night.
Awaking with a pounding headache Anon groaned and hissed as he tossed and turned in bed.
“Never before in the field of human drunkenness, was so much pain given by so many to so few” he groaned.
Turning over again Anon felt something else in the bed. Moving his hoof under the covers Anon traced it over the mysterious object.
He could recognise the shape of a pony, the feeling of soft fur with a few slightly damp patches scarred across its fur.
“Please tell me I didn’t bone Cadance please tell me I didn’t bone Cadance please tell me I didn’t bone Cadance” he almost ritualistically chanted as he lifted up the covers.
Much to his relief it was in fact not Cadance. She was a tanned earth pony mare with brown hair, messed up from what Anon could only assume was a night of drunken love making.
“Ok, who da hell is this?” Anon asked out loud. His talking was enough to stir the mare awake.
“Morning sleepyhead” Anon greeted casually “morning- wait a minute” she said, jetting up “WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED!?” She yelled “I’m Anon, and I don’t really know” Anon explained.
The mare looked like she was having a small panic attack “oh no no no no no I hooked up with a stallion I met at a bar” she said with a distressed voice “sorry to ask, what’s your name? And have you seen where I left the pink pony princess I was with?” Anon asked snapping her out of her trance “sorry, my name is Cream Heart, and I don’t know where your friend is but you have to leave, Button will be awake any second now” Cream Heart explained trying to push Anon out of bed “who the hell is Butt- why is there a letter stuck to my leg?” Anon began to ask before noticing a letter attached to his rear leg.
Peeling it off he chose to ignore what liquid created the damp patch as he started reading. Still being pushed by Cream Heart Anon looked over the writing.
Dear Anon
Cadance somehow drunkenly wrote me a letter last night so I came to pick her up. When I found her you were both passed out in a bar with a stallion called Big Mac watching over the both of you.
I tried to wake you up but you were fairly out of it so I’ll just leave this letter with you.
Cadance talks about you a lot, thanks for your part in bringing us together. I owe you one.
Sincerely Shining Armour.
“Why does that name sound familiar?” Anon asked himself.
“Hey mom have you seen my ha-“ a higher pitched voice asked as the door swung open. Standing frozen in the entrance was a small brown colt, his eyes wide and his jaw hanging low at the sight of his mother in bed with a stallion he didn’t recognise.
“B-Button! This isn’t what it looks like!” Cream Heart called out, trying to use the sheets to cover herself.
“Eh he’s already gonna be traumatised might as well double down, hi son!” Anon greeted waving his hoof at the traumatised colt.
AN: good thing Anon has his book sales and he's mine because I don’t think Cream Heart is going to be able to afford the therapy needed for poor Buttons.
After being kicked out (quite literally) by Cream Heart Anon made his way to Sugarcube Corner to get something while he nursed his headache.
Drinking a large milkshake Anon scouted out the day’s clientele. There were a few couples, some with their foals. A few customers were alone, Anon being amongst them.
“Morning Nonny!” Pinkie said, whizzing into the seat opposite Anon. Flinching slightly at her radioactive levels of energy Anon rubbed his head “how do you always have so much energy Pinkie? I’m pretty sure I remember you drinking an entire barrel of cider yourself” Anon asked.
Leaning in, Pinkie whispered her secret to avoiding hangovers “every morning I eat an entire bucket of cupcake frosting” Pinkie whispered “won’t that give you diabetes?” Anon asked “why do you think I move at the speed of Pinkie?” Pinks asked.
“I-I just gave up on figuring you out a year ago Pinks” Anon admitted “that’s how friendships are born Nonny, you just gotta wear them down enough” Pinkie said.
Rushing back and forth to a few tables Pinkie stopped at Anon’s table every hour and then “so why such a frowny face today?” Pinkie asked “work” Anon stated “what about work? Did you get writer's block?” Pinkie asked.
Hesitating about telling anyone in town about the mine Anon remembered a famous loophole he could use “Pinkie I need you to promise me something” Anon explained “ooh is it a Pinkie Promise?” She asked “yes, I need you to Pinkie Promise not to tell anyone about what I’m about to tell you” Anon said.
“A few weeks back Princess Luna sent me to empty out a mine controlled by a bunch of diamond dogs. I didn’t empty them out, I just told her they wouldn’t be a problem. Since then I have been operating it for my own benefit. Selling the gems mined there to some jewellers I met at Canterlot. But the stress of running a mine is way more than I expected and I’m thinking of hiring some help but I can’t think of anyone in town who won’t spill the beans about it” Anon explained.
Pinkie put her hoof against her chin. She looked almost philosophical for a moment before her mane formed into a large pink fuzzy lightbulb momentarily before returning to normal.
“That’s it!” Pinkie called out “what’s it?” Anon asked hesitantly. Normally when it was Pinkie doing the idea making it was going to be crazy. Even by Anon’s standards.
“My sister Maud moved into Ponyville to study, she loves everything about rocks and she doesn’t talk to many ponies she’s PERFECT! I’ll bring her around your place after work, BYEEEE!” Pinkie said excitedly before rushing off to another table.
Processing what he just heard Anon finished his milkshake, going to pay for it Cup Cake gave him a concerned look to her possible foal-daddy.
“Bit for your thoughts hun?” Cup Cake asked “Pinks being Pinks” Anon explained. Giggling lightly Cup Cake leaned over the counter to give Anon a light peck on the cheek “she means well you know that” she said “I know I know” Anon said “so how’s potential Anon Jr doing?” Anon asked looking at the large bump under the mare’s stomach “they’re fine, can’t be any more than a few weeks until we found out who the daddy is” she said smiling.
Chatting with Cup Cake for a little longer Anon eventually had to return home to tackle the mountain of paperwork he had amassed by the mine.
Waiting at his front door was Pinkie and a mare Anon had met only once. Maud Pie.
“Nonny you’re back!” Pinkie called out waving her hoof at the approaching thestral.
Maud looked far less excited to see Anon, but then again she traditionally didn’t look like she was excited to see anyone.
“Hey Pinks. Been a while Maud, Boulder” Anon greeted, acknowledging Maud’s pet pebble as well “hello Anon, Boulder says hi as well” Maud said plainly, gesturing to the hamper she wore around her neck to hold Boulder.
Letting his self invited guests in Anon got the kettle on to boil “Pinkie says you have a job involving rocks” available” Maud said. She would have sounded excited… if it was any pony other than Maud asking.
“Yeah, running a mine is a lot more of a pain then I thought it would be. Someone- somepony helping me out would be a massive help, if you want it the job’s yours” Anon explained “what would I be expected to do on a daily basis?” Maud asked “just helping me sort out through paperwork, nothing major but the pay will be good” Anon explained.
“Will there be anything involving the rocks?” Maud asked, her mind quickly going towards her one passion “well, moving them out of the way to excavate new mine tunnels and caverns will need an extra hand every hour and then” Anon said “what happens to the rocks then?” Maud asked.
“Damn this girl really likes rocks doesn't she?” Anon thought “I do” Maud said “forgot she could read my mind” Anon thought “you think really loud” Maud responded.
Pinkie looked in between the two, oblivious to what was going on “sooo does Maud get the job?” Pinkie asked “I’ll take it” Maud said “good, come by tomorrow and we can get started” Anon stated.
“YAY! This calls for a party!” Pinkie cheered.
“That girl has a one track mind” Anon thought “yes” Maud said “ok first rule as your employer no mind reading” Anon stated “I don’t read minds, your face is just very easy to read” Maud explained.
(Canterlot)
Cadance woke up feeling like her stomach was eating itself alive “afternoon your highness' ' Shining Armour chuckled as he entered the room, carrying a glass of water and a small bottle of medicine.
“What happened, my head hurts to much to remember” Cadance said rubbing her temples. Putting both the water and the medicine on the side, Shining nuzzled his fiancé’s lightly.
“A certain pony drank way too much and passed out next to that Anon guy Twiliy keeps mentioning in her letters” Shining explained.
“I didn’t do anything embarrassing did I?” Cadance asked, worried something happened “not that I’m aware. I was just finishing my shift when I got this letter, I figured out you were drunk and came to get you” Shining explained.
Taking a look as said letter Cadance could barely make out her own hoof writing under all the poor penmanship and lipstick stains.
Dear Shinywiny
I love you so much!
When we’re married I want seven- no! Ten foals.
Have you ever gone drinking with Anon? He’s hilarious, he just hit on some mare and she’s totally into it.
I love you I love you I love you. I love cake also, crumble is awesome as well but not rhubarbe because it just looks like red celery. What’s that all about?
Cadance
Burying her face in her pillow Cadance let out a cry of embarrassment, kicking her hind legs and covering the back of her head with her wings.
Trying to hold in his laughter Shining put a hoof on Cadance’s back gently rubbing it.
“Auntie damn you Anon I’m never going out with you again!” Cadance declared, muffling it into her pillow.
“I don’t know much about this Anon guy but he sounds fun at parties. Even if he is half as weird as Twily made him out to be” Shining thought to himself.
(Anon)
“GAUGH! I sense a great disturbance in the force, like some fucker is talking about me” Anon said out loud as his fur stood on end.
Mrs Cheerilee stood at her desk. Jaw hanging low as did the class of foals when they reacted to Anon’s sudden outburst.
“Now where was I? Oh yeah, the American Civil War. There I was, standing back to back with President Lincoln. Confederate Vampires on the left, the Klan on the right. My rifle was down to its last round when I yelled “Abe! I need a melee weapon!” I never saw a lawyer throw his briefcase so fast in my life. But I killed 769 Confederates that day. Any questions”
The class looked to one another hesitantly before Snails raised his hoof “yes young one?” Anon asked, “did that really happen?” He asked.
Raising an eyebrow Anon looked directly at the young colt making him shrink into his desk “young man if you were there I promise you that was the least strange thing that happened on that day” Anon stated.
Looking for a way to get this psychopath out of her classroom Cheerilee stealthily kicked the clock making it ring a few minutes early “well class, thank mister Anon for his lecture on… earth history. And enjoy your weekend” she said watching the foals almost trip over each other trying to get out of the classroom quicker.
“If you ever need another piece of history I’m more than happy to explain how the war finished. Although I will warn you it gets weird” Anon offered.
“Um, I’ll have to see if I can slot you in Anon” she lied.
Exiting the schoolhouse Anon noticed a familiar foal leaving. He had the same brown fur as the colt who walked in on him and Cream Heart.
“Son? Wait a minute that’s not his name. Damn it Anon think… Buttons or something like that?” Anon thought. The more it bothered him the more Anon became almost unaware of his surroundings as he continued to walk.
Being jogged out of his thoughts by bumping into something Anon’s jaw nearly dropped when he saw what. Or more accurately, who.
Cream Heart, stood equally shocked, blinked before she responded “oh um, sorry about that. I wasn’t watching where I was going” she apologised “no it was my fault, head in the clouds” Anon stated.
The two shared an awkward moment of silence before it was broken “hey I want to apologise about what happened last night, I had way too much to drink” Anon apologised “no it’s not entirely your fault, I don’t usually drink so I definitely went over my limit” Cream Heart explained.
“Mom! School’s done!” Button called out as he trotted up to his mother. Spotting Anon Button’s eyes went wide for a moment before shrinking down to pinpricks as he remembered where he saw the stallion last.
“Alright sweetie” Cream Heart said “hey Anon, how about we meet up sometime for a coffee? I still feel bad about… you know” Cream Heart said before trailing off, her face starting to go red.
“Kicking me so hard ponies thought my cutie mark was a question mark with a horseshoe superimposed over it?” He gestured to the black and blue mark on his right side that was shaped like Cream Heart’s hoof print.
“Well, yes. It’s my treat, it’s the least I can do” she said “sure, you seem really nice now I’m not smashed off my face” Anon responded. Giggling lightly, Cream Heart gave Anon a small smile “it’s a date then, come on Button, I’m making your favourite for dinner tonight. I’ll see you later Anon” Cream Heart said bidding farewell as she and a still shocked looking Button disappeared into a crowd of parents with their foals leaving for their homes.
“Aw yeah got a date with a milf” Anon thought to himself “plus she’s not married which is a bonus” his brain added.
“Wait, she isn’t married right?”
“NONNY MRS CAKE IS GOING INTO LABOUR YOU GOTTA COME QUICK!!!” Pinkie screamed while throwing herself through the air, almost flying as she collided with Anon at 500mph.
AN: a shorty but a goodie in my opinion. Cadance’s wedding is coming up soon.
Can’t wait to give Anon a way to ruin it.
More than the shapeshifter bugs.
PS: do you think Anon should get more involved with the big bads? I'm not going to make him the hero of Equestria and usurp the mane six’s place but smaller, Discord level interactions would be more the scale. What do you think?
Deep in the mines beneath the Everfree, Anon and his assistant Maud went through another round of paperwork related to running and potentially expanding the mine.
Sat at desks in a dug out pocket of rock they turned into an office the two went through orders that had been placed via Anon’s contact in Canterlot.
“Damn, it seems like there’s been an uptick in business lately hasn't it Maud?” Anon asked, looking at the grey mare who simply nodded before going back to her work.
“Aren’t you the least bit curious as to WHY that is?” Anon asked, himself very interested in what's happening in the capital. Turning to face her boss, Maud’s blank expression remained perpetually intact “I get money to go towards my degree and I get to keep any rocks you don’t want. I could not be happier, so let’s not rock the boat” Maud explained, still stone faced.
Despite the week since they began working together Anon had never once seen Maud have any other facial expressions. It didn’t bother him, ok it did it bothered him a lot “you know Maud one of these days I promise I will find a way to make you smile” Anon promised.
They continued through their workday Anon received a letter. Well it appeared out of thin air and fell on his head.
It bore the Royal crest indicating it came from Canterlot “please don’t be Luna please don’t be Luna please don’t be Luna” Anon chanted remembering what happened last time he got a letter from the Princess of the Night.
To Anon of Earth
You are cordially invited to the wedding of Princess Cadance and Captain Shining Armour at Canterlot Castle.
You are permitted to bring a plus 1 as a date to the event.
Sincerely, the office of Raven Inkwell.
“Well it’s about goddamn time, now who should I bring as a plus one?” Anon said to himself “hey Maud you wanna go to a royal wedding?” Anon invited “no, take your marefriend” she said in her usual monotone voice. No hint of malice, or bad intentions. But no good ones either.
“Marefriend? Wait a minute. I DO have one of those!” Anon exclaimed happily as the gears in his head turned slightly faster.
“I’ll ask Cream Heart to go with me. Oh wait I forgot she has a kid” Anon said first excitedly and then sadly as he remembered Button existed “hey Maud you wouldn’t happen to be good with foals would you?” Anon asked “I have classes every day I’m not here” she responded “damn, knowing Pinkie she’s probably been invited as one of Twilight’s friends and the Cakes have their hoofs full with the twins and Chocolate, and I’ve cashed in all my favours from Big Mac. Damn it, why are these the only ponies I socialise with!” Anon grumbled in frustration “have you considered that Cream Heart will be able to find a foal sitter?” Maud asked.
“Right. Didn’t think of that” Anon admitted.
Finishing up his work day Anon travelled to his marefriend’s home. Knocking on the door Anon waited giddily for Cream Heart to answer.
He’d gotten around a lot since landing in Equestria. Mostly after he became a horse.
But none of them were. Serious.
The Cakes were the closest to an actual relationship he had had and that was purely a sex thing. Cream Heart and he weren’t exactly an item but they were considered a couple. It was too early for either of them to use labels in public but they were getting there.
After a dozen or so seconds of waiting the door opened. Standing in a frilly pink apron wrapped around her chest and barrel was Cream Heart “oh hello Anon, what brings you hear this late?” She asked “well, I got an invitation to Cadance’s wedding at Canterlot and I wanted to know if you wanted to come as my date?” Anon asked.
Watching her big blue eyes go even wider, Cream Heart threw her front legs around Anon’s neck “yes! I’d love to! But I’ll need to get my dress altered, and get them a gift and I need to find a foal sitter for Button. I’ll meet you at the train station later. Thank you for the invite” Cream Heart said unintentionally disallowing Anon the ability to get a word in. Pecking her coltfriend on the cheek, Cream Heart closed the door leaving Anon standing in the street.
“Wait. Shit I forgot a gift” Anon said facepalming himself.
Deep in the Everfree Anon sat in Zecora’s hut with Zecora sat opposite him “tell me Anon, what is it you have going on?” Zecora asked, telling that the thestral had chaos on his mind “I’ve got a wedding to attend and I was wondering if you had any potions that will… liven up the wedding night” Anon explained.
Raising an eyebrow Zecora started to look through the vials and potions that covered the walls. Picking one out from the shelves Zecora placed it on the table in front of Anon “this potion and you will make quite a pair, especially when given to a fertile mare” Zecora explained. Going to swap the potion with a bag full of bits Anon’s hoof was stopped by Zecora’s hoof being placed on top of his “but be warned my friend, any more than a teaspoon is no good, if you with to keep your stallionhood” she warned, looking deep into his eyes with a serious expression.
Hesitating for a second Anon nodded, indicating he understood the gravity of the situation “ok. But just to be sure does that mean my dick will explode or…” he asked “you will be ridden until it falls off” Zecora stated.
“Ok”
Paying for his “wedding gift” Anon left for Ponyville to pack everything for the trip to the capital.
Anon didn’t own many fancy clothes. Well, ones that were made for his species. But he did have some clothes that he threw on for special occasions.
It was a one piece suit tuxedo Rarity made for him. Nothing special but it was fancier than being naked.
He packed a few extra stuff just to be sure. A far less nice backup suit, some extra bits, a sandwich and what Anon assumed was rum but the Yak he bought it from had a very strong accent.
“Alrighty, this is the biggest day of my friend’s life. Every important noble and diplomat in the land will be there… Let’s Austin Powers this shit, yah baby!”
Carrying the suitcase Anon made my way down to Ponyville train station. He waited for Cream Heart to arrive, herself carrying a white suitcase with a pink heart on it “ready to go?” Anon asked as the train pulled into the station “I’m so excited! I really have to thank Mrs Cheerilee for watching Button while we’re gone” Cream Heart said.
The night trip to Canterlot was uneventful. But once they arrived the whole city was in a state of controlled chaos. Ponies we’re hanging up decorations and celebrating in the streets, music and dancing were everywhere.
“We should really hit the town once we’ve gotten settled in” Cream Heart stated.
Making their way to the castle the pair were met by a pair of guards standing at the front gate. They looked like they were checking for invitations so Anon pulled out his saddle bag.
When it came to their turn Anon showed them the invite along with his identification papers. Although the latter one made the guards raise his eyebrow.
“Welcome, Sir Anon of… Longshaft?” The guard said reading out Anon’s ID papers “enjoy the wedding” he added stepping aside.
“Of Longshaft?” Cream Heart asked “Princess Luna owed me a favour” Anon explained.
Getting settled in Cream Heart went off to explore leaving Anon alone to catch up on his reading.
“I love how nothing particularly bad has happened to me today,” Anon said happily as he finished another page of his book.
As he continued to read his book a knock came on the door “come in” he said placing the book down.
Entering the room ‘Cadance’ gave Anon a polite smile as she trotted up to her friend “hello Anon, I heard you were at the castle so I thought I’d come say hi” she explained “yeah I got here earlier. Sorry I didn’t say hi sooner, we were told you we’re told you were busy” Anon explained.
“Well, I’m here now. How about we catch up?” She asked “great, just let me put my book away and we can talk as long as you want” Anon said moving over to his suitcase to put the book away in it.
With his back turned Anon couldn’t see Cadance spot the potion sat on his desk. Using her magic to lift it over Cadance examined it for a moment. Opening the bottle she took a whiff of the concoction. Finding it pleasant to the smell she tried taking a little sip of it, then the small sip turned into a glug.
Once she noticed Anon start to turn back around she whipped it back onto the desk and reseated it.
“So, what’s been happening with you?” Anon asked, taking a seat opposite Cadance “nothing much, most of my time’s been spent planning the wedding. Shining Armour has his duties as the captain of the guard so it’s been a little lonely” she admitted, lowering her head lightly.
Anon frowned slightly, he felt bad for his friend “I’m sure everything will be fine, once the hustle of getting this whole thing sorted is done there'll be more time for the two of you” Anon said trying to comfort her.
It did have the desired effect, sort of.
Cadance didn’t look as sad, but she didn’t look happy either. It was more… needy than anything else.
“Anon, there’s something I need you to do for me” she asked, her voice sounding a little desperate.
“Sure, what do you need?” Anon asked.
Standing up Cadance started to make her way over to Anon. The distance quickly closed. Cadance tracked her muzzle along Anon’s neck, he could feel her smelling him. Anon stayed still, having no clue what the actual fuck was going on but he didn’t want to do anything that might upset Cadance.
“Ok, just stay still Anon, I’m sure Luna is gonna burst out and say sike and reveal that this is all a prank any minute now” he told himself in his mind.
“Pulling away Cadance looked Anon in the eyes, they seemed needy, yearning, almost lustful “I need you to take me Anon” she explained.
“… well I’m not taking you anywhere until you learn to stop sniffing random people. That may get you elected president but it won’t roll here” Anon stated.
“Something’s… off” Anon thought to himself. Cadance was acting strange, well, strange for a pink pony princess “yep something is definitely off but I can’t put my finger on it” he continued to think. Looking down at his hoofs for a second Anon frowned momentarily, lamenting the loss of his beloved touch stumps.
Rolling her eyes Cadance used her front hooves to push Anon onto his back and pin him down. Glaring far more intensely at him Cadance explained what she wanted to Anon a little more clearly.
“Listen Anon, I haven’t felt a stallion’s touch in nearly two weeks. Shining Armour has been stuck with those frivolous guard duties and I’ve been left unattended to ever since. Now this is how it’s going to happen, I am going to be satisfied, you will do the satisfying. Now be an obedient little pony and serve your princess!”
This was not the Cadance Anon was familiar with. She seemed overly demanding, almost to the point of being aggressive.
Trying to think of a way out of this situation, Anon’s head turned as he heard the door swing open. Standing in the doorway, looking on at the situation as Cadance kept Anon pinned to the floor was Cream Heart. Covering her mouth with her hoof a light blush was spread across her cheeks.
“C-Cream this isn’t what it looks like!” Anon stuttered, knowing perfectly what it looks like “oh it’s exactly what it looks like~” Cadance countered before dragging her tongue across Anon’s neckline.
“Well, I’ve never been in anything with another mare but… if everypony is alright with it,” Cream Heart said.
“Wait I’m sorry but wot?” Anon asked, his accent slipping to British.
“The more the merrier~ If you want I’m sure we can find some maids who’d be more than happy to join in. Isn’t that right Anon?” Cadance said licking her lips, turning to give Anon a predatory gaze.
“God. It’s me, Anon. I’m ready to go now” Anon prayed internally.
“Also why are Cadance’s eyes glowing green?” He added.
-meanwhile, in the hallway-
Twilight Sparkle half stomped through the hallways of the royal palace. She could tell something was wrong with Cadance. Her favourite foal sitter didn’t even recognise the unicorn.
“What’s wrong with her? She looked at me like I was a complete stranger. Somethings happening and I don’t like it” Twilight said to herself.
Stopping outside one of the guest rooms Twilight heard a loud noise coming from the over side of the door.
“Bump bump bump!”
Raising an eyebrow inquisitively, Twilight gently pushed the door open.
Words could not describe Twilight’s shock. Painters could not replicate her appearance. And philosophers would debate for millenia if the level of her rage justified a new word for angry.
Laying in a broken bed was Anon, Cream Heart and Cadance. Drenched in sweat and piled on top of each other.
“Uh, hey Twiggles, didn’t know you were invited”
“WHAT THE ACTUAL BUCK IS GOING ON HERE!!!?” Twilight bellowed, her scream loud enough to alert the entire castle.
Within minutes the hallway was swarmed with guards, even Celestia and Luna were there. Both princesses were shocked and appalled at the sight before them.
“Anon, what do you think you’re doing to my niece?” Celestia asked “I-I-she” Anon tried to explain. Words failed to come out of his mouth.
“Twily what’s going- Cadance!?” Shining Armour said, his mouth dropping at the sight of his ‘fiancée’” in bed with another stallion and a mare he’d never met before.
“Shining!” Cadance said, coming just in time to see her future husband’s look of unimaginable pain.
“I swear she came onto me-“ Anon tried to defend himself.
“To the dungeons with thee!” Luna called out in the royal Canterlot voice.
Guards swarmed Anon dragging him away kicking and screaming. Their destination the deepest dungeons in all of Canterlot.
AN: dun dun dun! Anon’s in jail and Chrisy is on the move! Still he got some so it ain’t all that bad.
Wedding Crash part 2 First comes love, then skip marriage
Miles underneath Canterlot, Anon sat in a bleak cell. Charged for the crime of sleeping with a princess days before her marriage. His only companions are his marefriend Cream Heart, arrested for accomplice to cuckholdry and Twilight Sparkle. Who was berating him from the other side of the bars.
“I can’t believe you! A consenting married couple is one thing but my brother’s bride!?” Twilight scolded “I didn’t know Shining was your brother” Anon defended.
“We are sorry Twilight” Cream Heart apologised.
Rubbing her temples with her hooves Twilight clamped her eyes shut trying to think with all this crap going on at once.
“By the way does Cadance’s eyes usually turn green when she gets emotional?” Anon asked. This question snapped Twilight out of her thought process “what?” She asked “Cadance’s eyes, they were glowing green it was super weird. Now that I think about it she was acting really strange the whole time” Anon explained.
Raising an eyebrow Twilight took a step closer to the cell “what do you mean by ‘strange?’” She asked “well for one she came onto me like a drunk prom date, I mean I’ve just got that mojo that attracts beautiful mares as Cream here can attest” Anon explained gesturing to his blushing marefriend “she was going on about how Shining hadn’t fucked her in weeks and… wait a minute” Anon stopped himself as he realised something “she said a few weeks back she was saving herself for the wedding night. Unless she changed her mind at the last minute. Ok something is definitely not right here and I don’t mean that I was thrown in jail” Anon stated.
“I think you might be onto something, when I met Cadance just after getti by to Canterlot she acted like she didn’t know me at all” Twilight explained “you don’t think something happened to her do you?” Cream Heart asked “hey let’s not jump to conclusions. I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for all of this. I mean it’s not like Cadance has been replaced by some evil being planning to take over the kingdom first chance she gets” Anon stated before realising what he just said.
“Right?” He asked, getting a nervous twinge in his voice.
Thinking over Anon’s words, Twilight started putting the prices together.
“I’ll figure this out. I promise” she said, turning and leaving the two ponies alone.
“I’m sorry, for all of this” Anon apologised, looking over the bars and bricks that surrounded them. Placing her head under Anon’s jaw, Cream Heart nuzzled him “it’s not your fault, we were both in that bed” Cream Heart stated.
“Yeah I remember, it was fucking awesome” Anon admitted, getting a giggle from the mare. Gaining a more serious expression Anon stepped up to the bars “I’ll get us out of here” Anon stated.
Looking over the cell Anon tapped his hoof against the cell door. With little effort the door swung open.
“They-they didn’t even lock the door?” Anon asked “of course, who would try and escape from under the Castle?” Cream Heart asked.
With a stone face Anon looked at her “one of these days I’ll have to give a stern talking to the royal guard” Anon stated.
The two began making their way out of the dungeons and into the castle proper. As they went through the great hallways they were found to be empty. While normally there would be a few guards or staff stationed along the walls.
“I don’t like this Anon” Cream Heart stated “yeah, I don’t want to jinx it but I've got a bad feeling about this” Anon agreed.
Turning a corridor, Anon and Cream Heart froze. At the other end of the hallway was a black creature, it was shaped like a pony but… wrong.
It had black skin, insect-like wings, a thin frame and a curved jagged horn.
Before they could back away the creature saw them. It’s pure blue eyes almost stabbing them.
“It’s times like this I miss my 2nd amendment sanctioned flame thrower” Anon muttered.
Letting out an ungodly screech the creature quickly took off into the air retreating out of sight.
Taking off after it the two chased it until they came to a large chapel-like room. Inside they could see dozens, no, hundreds of the creatures. Celestia and a few other ponies were trapped in a green substance. Twilight and Cadance, who looks rather scruffy, were standing at the foot of the altar. On the altar itself was Shining Armor and a larger version of the creatures.
Obviously a mare she had sickly green hair almost like seaweed, a longer horn and slit irises.
“Hello Anon~”
Freezing as his name was said Anon tried to figure out how this abomination knew who he was.
“Oh? Don’t you recognise your princess?” She asked in a mocking tone. Things started to clock and Anon's jaw started to drop.
“That’s right Anon, I was Cadance! I’ve been impersonating her for weeks so I can conquer Equestira and drain you foolish ponies of your love to feed my hive!” Chrysalis explained.
“You’ll never get away with this Chrysalis!” Cadance declared “yeah especially with a plan like that” Anon stated. All heads turned to face Anon after that comment “ex-excuse me?” Chrysalis asked.
“Anon don’t help the villain,” Twilight warned.
“I’m just saying. If you wanted to rule Equestira wouldn’t Celestia be a better option? I mean don’t get me wrong everybody loves Cadance but not to the extent they love Celestia” Anon explained “hmmm, a fair point” Chrysalis agreed.
“Anon stop!” Cadance ordered.
“What? I’m right. Besides even if that wasn’t an option you’re a race of shapeshifters. Couldn’t you just replace a sizable chunk of the population, live their lives, harvest love from their loved ones to grow your numbers. It’ll take a generation or two but depending on fertility rates you guys could easily become a majority given enough time-“ Anon stated, stopping by as Chrysalis teleported mere inches away from him.
“That’s quite the plan” she said, her fanged smile shining at him “maybe I won’t drain you entirely, for now. You have some interesting ideas little pony” she added, her sinister aura practically spilling out over him.
“Ok, here’s another idea, look behind you” Anon warmed, pointing his hoof behind Chrysalis.
Turning her head Chrysalis’s eyes went wide at the sudden wave of magic coming from Cadance and Shining. Blasting her and her hive out of Equestira.
“Ok… that happened” Anon said, sounding surprised despite the fact this was the least weird thing to happen to him.
“Anon?” Cadance, the real one, asked. Surprised to see her friend “hey Princess, sorry I slept with your imposter” Anon greeted in an apologetic tone.
Blinking her eyes in surprise, Cadance didn’t push the issue. Having joined the rest of her race in accepting Anon as the co-holder of the title Master of Chaos.
“Well- regardless. Now that everypony is here, care to walk me down the aisle?” Cadance asked “it would be my pleasure” Anon agreed.
With Rarity working her magic (both literally and figuratively) Cadance was in pristine condition and at the altar.
Sat next to Cream Heart Anon watched the ceremony, a smile spread across his face.
It was the after party that Anon enjoyed the best. Dancing, drinking, all around it was a great time.
“Thank you again for coming Anon, having all my friends here means a lot to me” Cadance thanked “the pleasure is all mine Cadance” Anon responded before turning his attention to the slightly sheepish Shining “no hard feelings?” Anon asked “y-yeah, sorry about all that” Shining apologised “hey from your point of view I nutted in your fienceé, it’s a natural reaction. Heck I thought you had sneaked into the clauses while I was getting pinned” Anon said chuckling slightly.
Awkwardly taking a sip from his punch glass Shining raised an eyebrow at the taste “this stuff is a lot stronger than I remember” he commented “yeah it does taste a little off, I’ve had four glasses and I feel all-“ Cadance said before stopping. Her eyes wide with shock as she looked at her husband “S-Shiny, you’re having an… ahem” she stuttered embarrassedly as she pointed down.
Looking down between his front legs, Shining almost jumped out of his skin. All but slamming his flank down and using his front legs to cover his “fifth leg” while his face went bright red. All across the room most stallions seemed to be having the same problem. All except for Anon who was stood there grinning like an idiot.
The mares seemed to be having a similar issue with their nethers, the scent starting to seep into the air “happy wedding night gift/my revenge” Anon all but cheered “Anon, what did you do?” Celestia asked trotting up to the thestral, her face starting to turn red “I got a gift from Zecora and spiked the punch with it” Anon explained, his smile showing off his pride “is that why you said don’t drink the punch?” Cream Heart asked, realising what her coltfriend did “yep, I love you baby but I went six rounds over what a stallion should be capable of yesterday. I have friction burns, bruises and a bite mark that all need medical attention” Anon explained.
“Sorry about the last one, I get excited easily” Cream Heart apologised.
“Anywho we better get going. I promised myself I wouldn’t start another orgy after the Las Pegasus incident a year back” Anon said, scooping Cream Heart up in his fore-legs.
“We’ll send for our luggage. Hi ho Anon, away!” Anon called out before flying into the sky.
-1 month later-
Kneeling with her head resting against the toilet, Anon held her hair out the way as she emptied her stomach again.
Standing at the door Button peaked in, worried about his mother.
“You ok mom?” Button asked.
Weakly Cream Heart lifted her head up “I’m fine sweetie, these morning sicknesses are just taking a lot out of me” she said trying to form a smile.
“See kid? It’s just morning sickness-“ Anon started before he realised exactly what was happening.
Sat in his office Anon, owner of Seven D Mining Co (according to the sign he put at the cave entrance) was in a particularly foul mood. After his little “gift” to the couples of Canterlot there had been several lawsuits thrown his way. Unexpected pregnancies (not Anon’s foals), public humiliation cases and far more papers with court dates piled up on his desk.
Agitatedly taking a sip of his coffee Anon looked to his only literate employee Maud Pie “any idea how much this would set us back?” Anon asked. Sat in a pile of rocks she “rescued” she turned her head to face him. “We’d go bankrupt,” she explained.
“What!? But we’re making so many bits! I even exploit my workers by giving them well below the minimum wage. Why do we have so little money?” Anon half ranted at his financial woes.
“We don’t, it’s just that all these lawsuits add up to several tens of millions of bits. It would drain all our reserves paying them off” Maud explained.
Picking up the stack of paper Anon dropped it into the recycling bin next to his desk “there I fixed it” Anon stated “that won’t work” Maud said “oh yes it will, I’ll just say I never got the letters, apologise for missing the court meeting and simply request a reschedule. Rinse and repeat, it’s the circle of life” Anon explained.
“Anon” Maud asked with her usual monotone voice “yes?” He asked “when you go to prison can I have the mine?” She asked.
The work day dragged on Anon kept an eye on the clock. Once it hit 12, lunch break came, “I’m going to Sugarcube Corner, do you want anything?” Anon asked “we’re fine” Maud said, Boulder sat on her desk.
Entering Sugarcube Corner Anon’s head jolted downwards as a sudden weight fell onto his neck. Looking behind his head Anon saw a small yellow foal sat on his neck, a clump of his hair in his mouth.
“Chocolate! Anon isn’t a toy” Cup Cake said, taking her foal off of Anon. Smiling at the mother/daughter duo “evening Cup, how’s tricks?” Anon asked.
Letting out a sigh Cup tried to keep her smile up “things have been getting a little slow, moneys gotten tight but we’ll manage” Cup Cake explained.
Taking a seat Anon ordered his usual double glazed donut and milkshake. The bakery seemed emptier than usual. There were still one or two customers but the numbers had dropped dramatically.
While they wouldn’t admit it, Anon could tell the Cake’s were worried about their future. They had three kids and a business to look after.
Thinking over how he could help Anon for an idea “hey Cup” he said getting the mare’s attention.
“Yes hun?” She asked “I have an order to put actually. I know a guy who runs an industrial project and he’s been thinking of improving employee morale with some snacks. Any chance you can manage, say, a hundred donuts a day?” I asked.
Watching her her go wide Cup Cake pressed her hoof against her neck like she was checking her pulse.
“Anon, that's a lot of donuts. If you’re just trying to help you don’t have to, we’ll be fine honestly” Cup said “I’m serious, between you and me things at my ‘friend’s’ workplace haven’t been going so smoothly. Up to his neck in paperwork and stuff, I’m pretty sure half those donuts are for him” Anon said, crafting a lie so intricate you’d have to be a genius to see through it.
Or just have good enough vision to see the ocean of sweat going down his neck.
“Well, I’m sure we can manage it. But it’s 300 bits a day, are you sure your “friend” can afford that?” She asked.
“Trust me, he’s got the cash to spare,” Anon stated.
After spending some time at the Corner Anon continued on his walk. There were a few shops that were closed early.
It was weird to Anon. Well weird even by the standards of this land of rainbow horses.
With the atmosphere being uncharacteristically sad for the town, Anon decided to just go home to grab some stuff before heading back to work.
Gathering some extra ink and paper from his study Anon got ready to leave before something stopped him.
It was distant but he could hear something coming from the upstairs bathroom.
Cautiously approaching the door Anon, using all the shock and awe of the US military he kicked the door wide open. Ready to lay down some flank whooping on whoever thought breaking and entering in HIS house was a good idea.
Unfortunately (claps hands together) that didn’t happen.
“Luna, why are you in my bathtub?” Anon asked.
Comfortably laid down in the tub Luna looked back at him with wide eyes.
“Um, well. You see, there was a minor incident in Canterlot and we decided your council might be helpful. But you weren’t here so we decided to have a relaxing soak despite this tiny bath” she explained lifting her soaked wings out the bath “that bath can fit two ponies. Fuck whatever, what incident are you talking about?” Anon asked.
Bashfully Luna tried to avoid eye contact with Anon, the usually proud and boastful princess of the night looking like a school filly who’s in trouble.
“We, may have caused a TINY recession”
Blinking for a second Anon calmly and understandingly responded.
“How the fuck did you cause a recession!?” Anon asked angrily the blushing Luna “we thought it was a good idea” she defended “WHAT was a good idea?” Anon asked contemplating regicide “we receive a letter from a Zebrican Prince” Luna began.
“Ok I see where this is going” Anon said, resisting the urge to hoof palm.
“He said he had been exiled from his kingdom, but he was still incredibly wealthy. All he required was some bits to pay for a servant to transport his wealth out of his former lands. He also said he would double the number and pay me back in thanks” Luna explained.
“And the bits never materialised” Anon guessed “how did thou know?” Luna asked in shock, Anon having guessed exactly right.
“How much did you send him?” Anon groaned “five hundred…” Luna started hesitantly “ok that’s not so bad-“ Anon responded optimistically “million” she finished.
With the force of all the Elements put together Anon’s jaw shattered the marble floor he stood upon “five hundred million bits!? That’s a thousand times what I make in a year from my- books. From my books. Where the fuck did you get half a billion bits!?” Anon ranted.
“The Equestrian national budget,” Luna said.
“The WHAT!?”
“We thought it would increase the prosperity of our subjects! But when we realised we had been how you say, dooped. We panicked and doubled the tax rates for import and exporting goods to remake the lost money. But now the shipping businesses are going under and our subjects are losing their jobs! When Tia gets back from her trade negotiations with Saddle Arabia she is going to send me back to the moon!” Luna panicked “why the hell did you bring me here then!?” Anon asked “you know more about avoiding the consequences of thy actions then anypony else in Equestria. We need you to save us!” Luna explained, grabbing Anon’s shoulders and shaking him erratically.
“Ok just stop shaking me!” Anon agreed.
Releasing Anon from her iron grip Luna took a step back. Regaining his footing Anon shook his head.
“Luckily for you my home planet can’t go ten years without causing a recession”
Thinking on how to solve this astronomical problem Anon went to his study. Taking a seat behind his desk. Using a quill he scribbled down some notes and handed them to Luna.
Invest in large scale infrastructure programs to stimulate job growth.
Decrease taxes by 5-10% for those in lower or middle class income brackets.
Decrease national interest rates by half current level
Undo the tax increase on the shipping industry.
“Start implementing these policies and get me a meeting with the heads of every major company based out of Canterlot. I might have a way to boost the economy but I’ll need them on the same page” Anon stated.
“Sir Anon, where are we going to get the money for this infrastructure project? All the Royal Treasury has gone to the Zebrican Prince” Luna explained “you’re the government print more” Anon stated “but we do not have enough gold reserved” Luna said “ok just make a slightly smaller coin that looks like a bit made from cheap metals like tin or copper then cover it in a layer of gold” Anon explained.
“But then it will not be a true bit”
“Yes but it’ll have gold covering it so who’s going to be able to tell? As long as no one can peel the gold off they won’t care one bit”
Nodding Luna used her magic to dry herself off “thank you Anon, we shall be leaving for Canterlot immediately.
“Your welcome Luna, see you later” Anon bid her goodbye “later? No Anon, you’re coming with me” she explained.
“Wait wha-“ Anon tried to say before the two were teleported to Canterlot castle.
The castle came alive with activity. Bureaucrats and administrators rushed about, mountains of papers and forms blocked out the Sun for certain rooms and Princess Luna had moved on from her standard brew to Pinkie strength coffee beans.
“How’s everything coming along?” I asked the caffeinated princess “we have followed your instructions to the letter, we are meeting later with several higher up business ponies to discuss these “joint-stock companies” you described to us” Luna explained.
“Good, any on the bit front?”
“We have ordered the production of one billion counterfeit bits. The additional five hundred million will be split between nationwide improvements in transport and other infrastructure and funding joint-stock companies”
“The state owning a sizable share in multiple profitable companies should help you recuperate the lost bits over a period of time. Using cheaper metals to make more bits will hopefully be a one time thing”
Mentioning the lost bits Anon could see Luna’s mug start to crack in her telecentric grip “sorry L, didn’t mean to upset you” Anon apologised.
“There is no need to apologise Anon, our wrath is not intended for you” she explained, using a friendly voice as she gave him a light smile “oh cool” Anon said with a chuckle “cool indeed, it is intended for the worm who conned us. That is why the night guard has been reorganised into a death squad to hunt down and exterminate the fool at any cost” Luna explained.
Stopping in his tracks Anon watched as Luna continued to walk for a few seconds before he realised he had stopped.
“Anon? What appears to be the matter?” She asked almost innocently “Luna, you dispatched a death squad. Explain to me how that doesn’t raise any red flags?” Anon asked.
“Red. Flags? Sir Anon our banner is blue” Luna said completely missing the point of his question “Luna you have something called a death squad sent after some rando with low morals. Next thing you’ll be telling me they have skulls on their caps” Anon explained.
A moment of silence passed between the two before it was broken.
“They have skulls on their caps don’t they?” Anon asked.
“We can neither confirm nor deny that” Luna responded.
“Princess” a thestral night guard called out, landing between the two and kneeling before his princess. His skull shaped helmet shining in the moonlight.
“We’ve found the traitor,” he explained. Puffing her chest out in pride Luna smiled victoriously at the news.
“Good, now, present us with the severed head so we may place it above our throne as a warning to any other tricksters who would challenge our great intellect” Luna ordered, holding out her front hoof.
Swallowing his breath the guard looked up at her “we… haven’t killed him” he explained.
Those words caused Luna’s eye to twitch slightly “what? What was the point of calling you a death squad if Canterlot is not running red with the blood of my enemy!” She stated, her fury growing by the second.
“I-I think it’s easier to show you than explain” he said.
The three of them took flight in the night. Soaring for several miles south. Just as Luna was becoming impatient she noticed something on the ground below her.
A giant tower of bits shining in the night, all of them seeming to be clustered around a house on the edge of a small town.
Approaching the house Anon could see dozens of night guards trying to fill sacks with bits, the sheer volume being too much and making the sacks rip apart.
“Ok Luna, now promise me you won’t do anything rash” Anon stated, sounding awfully stern towards the moon goddess.
“We promise not to overreact,” Luna said, rolling her eyes.
Knocking on the door Anon waited a second before getting a response “hello? Who’s there?” A feminine voice called out from the other side.
“Your doom!” Luna called out in the royal Canterlot voice.
Opening the door a pink unicorn mare stood, first confused then shocked at the sight of Luna standing over her.
Collapsing to her knees she bowed before the princess of the night “I am SO sorry about my Blue Bell’s actions. Please show mercy on him, your highness!” She begged. Whoever this Blue Bell was, she was clearly very concerned for his safety.
“We have come for vengeance citizen! No pony can be simply forgiven after slighting a princess and threatening the stability of the kingdom! Bright forth this Blue Bell so he may face justi-“
“Mom?” A small voice called out from inside the home cutting Luna off.
Peering inside Luna’s jaw almost dropped. Stood at the foot of the stairs was a tiny, itty bitty, widdle blue unicorn colt with a pair of bells as a cutie mark.
“Mom, what's going on?” His tiny voice said as he shook in place.
“Wha- what is-“ Luna almost stuttered as her mind tried to make sense of this.
“Luna, I think that’s your Zebrican Prince,” Anon explained.
You’d be mistaken for thinking Luna had a fever, with her face going bright red with embarrassment.
“You- that- I” she spat out, truly being lost for words “so we’ve learnt two things from this adventure. One, you got tricked by a colt, two, you sent a death squad to assassinate a colt” Anon cleared things up.
“He’s a child! Please don’t hurt him your highness! Take me instead, just don’t take my baby!” The mother begged again, her eyes filling with tears.
“Wow wow wow, no one’s taking anyone. Everything here is just one giant misunderstanding” Anon said, trying to calm her down.
Turning his attention to the scared colt Anon tried to give a non-alarming smile and crouching down to his height “hey kid, my name is Anon. Could you explain why you sent that letter to Moon Booty here?” He asked.
Still shaking slightly, Blue Bell looked a little more at ease by Anon’s words.
“I-I didn’t mean to. I heard my mom and dad talking, they said if they didn’t find some bits quick we’d have to move away. I didn’t know a princess was going to get that letter. I just thought that, I keep hearing how rich Canterlot ponies are. I didn’t think they’d miss a little bit of money. I’m really really sorry”
Looking back to Luna, Anon gave her a firm look making the princess clear her throat.
“Well, your intentions were good, young one. But tricking ponies out if their bits is never the answer. If you promise not to do it again we will forgive you this one time” Luna said.
“I promise Mrs Princess” he promised, looking like a tiny blue cuddly toy in the older mare’s eye.
Resisting the urge to adopt Luna quickly turned to face one of the guards trying to not cry as his third sack broke open. Spilling bits everywhere.
“Transport this all back to Canterlot, but leave a small sum to sort out this family’s financial woes”
“W-what?” Blue Bell asked, surprised at Luna’s ordered “well the best way to ensure a crime isn’t committed twice is to solve the problem” Luna explained.
Leaving Blue Bell and his mother Anon and Luna made their way back to Canterlot.
“We tell nopony about this, especially Tia”
“What part? The one where you almost caused the economic collapse of your nation or the part where you sent your guards to kill a foal?”
“It is no to late to send you to Tartarus”
-later on-
Relaxing at home Anon on the back on his couch watching Button play on his video game, Cream Heart leaned against him.
Having prevented the financial collapse of an entire kingdom only two weeks ago Anon felt he deserved a long rest.
“Finally, everything has quieted down” he said, unknowingly jinxing himself.
“Yeah, so. Have you thought of any names for the foal?” Cream Heart asked “a few, unfortunately I’ve got nothing that wouldn’t be considered weird on this planet” Anon confessed.
Giving him a soft smile, Cream Heart pecked Anon on the cheek “I’m sure any idea you come up with will be wonderful” she encouraged.
The pleasant family moment was short lived as a knock on the door drew Anon’s attention.
“I’ll get it” he said, getting off the sofa and heading to the door.
Opening the door I looked outside. At first I saw nothing, just the empty street. Before I closed the door I heard some light whining noises come from below.
Lowering my head my eyes shrank to pin pricks. Half swaddled in a basket was a thestral foal with pitch black fur, green slitted eyes and what looked like a curved horn on its head.
Stuffed next to it was a piece of paper. Taking it out the basket Anon started reading, trying to figure out what the actual fuck was going on.
Dear Anon
This is yours.
There’s no part in my plans for a foal. I wanted to just dump it in the woods but one of my subjects turned into the yellow pegasus that the brat sister of my former fiancee hangs around with and stared at me until I agreed to bring it here.
Don’t come looking for me, I don’t have time to play house.
Love, Chrissy
PS I left a picture of Shining’s cock in the basket. Make sure Twilight sees it will you?
PPS don’t worry it’s smaller than yours, but not by much
Destroying the picture of the admittingly impressive dick Anon read the letter over and over again.
Looking down at the black furred foal it reached up with its foreleg, booping Anon on the nose before letting out a tiny giggle.
“Ok Anon, maybe this is a trick. Yeah, there’s no way this thing is mine” Anon told himself, trying not to panic “I’ll just take it to Twilight, she’ll know what to do” he continued.
“Anon, what’s at the- oh Celestia aren’t you the cutest little thing” Cream Heart said, coming up to the door first in confusion, then proceeding to coo over the newborn.
“Who could leave such a perfect foal in a basket all alone?” She asked.
“M-m-m” the foal tried to speak.
“Mama!” It managed to squeak out. Oddly enough it didn’t seem to be responding to Cream Heart’s question, instead saying it as it reached out trying to grab Cream Heart.
Coming to the realisation this was clearly his foal, it’s good taste in mares proving it, Anon reacted in the most appropriate way he could imagine.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu”
AN: I’ve just realised Anon is starting to evolve into a more stable version of Randy Marsh and I kind of wanna roll with it
Gathered in Twilight’s library the Mane Six stood in various states of shock. Twilight appeared to be rebooting from a server error, Rarity was fanatically scribbling on a notepad, Applejack just looked disappointed, Rainbow was laughing hysterically while Pinkie and Fluttershy simply cooed and fussed over the little foal currently strapped to Anon’s chest.
“You- you got the bug queen pregnant!” Rainbow laughed “shut up Dash you’re just jealous he isn’t your son” Anon responded with a bit of venom in his voice.
“He’s so cuuuuuuute!” Fluttershy squealed, the foal having the front half of her hoof in its mouth, attempting to consume it with great effort.
“How’da know it’s a colt?” Applejack asked “its colt-stick” Pinkie explained nuzzling the foal’s head “well I ain’t in the habit of looking between a foal’s legs, especially when I just met them” Applejack explained.
“He’s so cute Nonny, are you sure he’s yours?” Pinkie joked “have you seen the size of his junk? I hate to say it but this is definitely my boy” Anon stated.
“So what’cha gonna call him?” Pinkie asked “hell am I supposed to know? I just met the kid, sat in a basket full of Shining’s dick pics” Anon said.
Snapping out of her reboot Twilight snapped her head towards the newly christened father “I’m sorry what?” She asked “can I see?” Rarity asked, putting the notepad aside “Rarity!” Twilight snapped “sure they’re here” Anon said holding out half a dozen photos of Shining Armour’s shlong to the marshmallow mare.
“Damn Twi! Why didn’t you tell me your brother was packing!? I hope Cadance is the sharing type~” Dash said peaking over Rarity’s shoulders as she drooled slightly over the various photos.
Ripping them out of her friend’s grasp with her magic Twilight incinerated the pictures much to Rarity and Rainbow’s dismay.
“Girls this is serious! Now Rainbow please write a letter to Princess Celestia telling her what’s happened while I comb through my books to see if anything like this has happened before” Twilight asked “on it” Rainbow did giving a mock salute.
“Wait a minute, why is Celly getting involved?” Anon asked “Anon, this is the first case of a changeling/pony hybrid in recorded Equestrian history. This doesn’t happen, even amongst other types of pony. A foal will rather take after the type of its mother or father, never both” Twilight explained.
Thinking it over, Anon started to see where she was coming from. Looking down at the colt, the little creature was happy and carefree. Getting a steady supply of attention from Fluttershy and Pinkie.
“Then why the hell is it both?” Anon asked “I don’t know, but we’ll find out once the Princess gets here” Twilight said.
“Ok, but I’m warning you now if some scientific snob wants to dissect my kid I will go full Liam Neeson on y'all” Anon warned.
Tilting her head Twilight raised an eyebrow “who’s Liam Neeson? Is he a friend of yours from back on earth?” She asked.
“Pff, I wish. But no, he’s an actor who’s famous for playing a character who went nuts after some guys kidnapped his daughter” Anon explained.
“Anyhow the only real question left is how am I gonna take care of this guy?” Anon asked “what do you mean? You’ve already got a foal on the way, haven’t you prepared or anything?” Rarity asked “well yeah but that’s different. Mine and Cream’s foal is going to come out rather a earth pony or a full thestral, not a half love sucking shapeshifter. Do I need to feed him love or can he eat regular food?” Anon asked.
“Have you checked to see if he has a butthole?” Pinkie asked.
“Wha- why would I check that?” Anon asked a little disturbed by her questioning “well, if this itty bitty foal has an itty bitty booty hole then that means he’s gonna poop eventually. Love isn’t a physical thing Nonny so he can’t poop it out. So if he’s got one that means he can eat normal stuff like everypony else. But for now he’ll probably need some teet milk until he can move onto solid foods” Pinkie explained.
The entire room looked at Pinkie for a second, shocked at the oddly helpful logic she used “what?” Pinkie asked “Pinkie… y’all scary sometimes sugarcube” Applejack stated.
Giggling slightly Pinkie flashed a huge grin “I know!” She said happily.
“Knock knock knock”
Going over to the door Twilight opened it “Princess!? That was quick” she said in surprise at the speedy arrival of her mentor/probable waifu “I received Rainbow Dash’s letter that Spike sent and teleported here immediately” she explained pulling out a letter from her saddlebag.
Dear Princess
Anon knocked up Chrysalis now he’s got a foal.
Love, Rainbow ‘the awesomest’ Dash
“Rainbow that isn’t remotely what I wanted you to write” Twilight scolded “what? It’s accurate” Rainbow defended “you won’t believe how many spelling errors I had to correct” Spike whispered to Anon.
Being let in, Celestia approached Anon, giving the foal a close inspection. Something he found enjoyable as he reached out and booped the princess on the nose.
Letting out a chuckle Celestia smiled at the newborn “he really is your child isn’t he Anon?” Celestia said “it would appear so” Anon responded “may I ask what his name is?” Celestia asked.
“Well I’ve only had him for a few hours so I haven’t really thought of a name yet”
“Really, and may I ask, how exactly did you come into possession of yours and Chrysalis' child?”
“Oh that’s easy, she dumped him on Cream Heart’s doorstep and left him with this note”
Handing Celestia the note Anon quickly realised his mistake. Watching the happy face of Celestia melt away under a tide of building rage he took a few steps back from her as she read.
“That no good- what kind of- how could any mother do this to her own child!?” Celestia snarled, surprising everyone in the room “if I ever get my hands on her I’ll rip her to shre-“ she started before the rage froze.
Locking eyes with Anon’s foal, the princess saw him becoming physically scared at her more aggressive posturing.
“I-I’m sorry for my outburst, but. I can’t believe any mare in all of Equestria, even Chrysalis could be that cruel to their own foal”
“It’s all good” Anon stated “but now that you’ve brought it up” Anon added. Sitting down and fishing his son out of the baby carrier Anon held his half breed son up, looking him eye to eye.
“I shall name him, Mini-Me” Anon stated. Lightning and Thunder roared in the background as he did.
“Ok maybe not”
Pondering this riddle for a few minutes Anon came to a conclusion “ok, from now on, you shall be known as Albus Serverus Anonymous. And you are my son” Anon stated.
“Um, Anon, what kind of name is that?” Twilight asked “they’re the names of a gay wizard who left a child with his abusive aunt and uncle for 11 years then raised him to die and a bitter wizard who bullied said child because his racist dad bullied him as a child then cucked him. But that child still grew up to call his child after them” Anon explained.
Giggling happily Albus wiggled in my grip “see? He likes it” Anon added.
“Now anything else I should know about Celly?” Anon asked.
Slowly, Celestia’s face dropped into a saddened frown “Anon, Albus is the child of one of Equestria’s worst enemies. Thestrals unfortunately already have a difficult life due to the legacy of Nightmare Moon. But the son of a changeling as well-“ Celestia started, pausing herself midway.
“Go on” Anon insisted.
“Anon, your son will unfortunately face many hardships in his life. Finding friends will be difficult, living a normal life will be even harder” Celestia warned.
Looking down at Albus, the little colt had no idea what he was in for. But that could wait, for now he was a fluffy little baby, that was enough for Anon.
“I know, but I’ll be there. It took me a while to get accepted even before I got turned into a thestral, I got through it and I’ll help him get through it” Anon explained. Smiling with pride, Celestia gave Anon a nod of approval “if you need any help Anon, I will give you all the help you need. Luna will be more than happy to help as well” Celestia said before exiting the library, needing to return back to Canterlot before the nobles get any more inbred.
“Rarity, you’ve been holding it in for a while, go on, let it out” Anon relented.
“OH FINALLY! I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS I NEED TO TRY THEM ALL ON THE ADORABLE LITTLE ANGEL!” Rarity squealed, bouncing about like she got into Pinkie’s coffee supplies.
After an hour of measurements and smothering by Rarity, Anon took Albus home.
Waiting in the living room, Cream Heart stood up to meet her coltfriend “is everything ok Anon?” She asked.
“Yeah, listen. I know this is all a little sudden but-“ he started “you want to keep him don’t you?” Cream Heart interrupted, she could almost tell what her coltfriend was thinking.
“Yes. Regardless of where he came from, he's my son. I couldn’t live with myself if I passed off that responsibility to anyone else”
Planting a kiss on his cheek, Cream Heart nuzzled Anon’s head with hers “you wouldn’t be the kind of stallion I could fall for if you did” she said warmly.
“I really am the luckiest stallion in the land aren’t I?” Anon asked rhetorically “and I’m the luckiest mare, I’ve got a bonafide dilf all to myself~” Cream half joked.
Snorting in laughter Anon lifted Albus out of his carrier “Albus, this is Cream Heart, the most important mare in my universe” he introduced “hi there Albus, I’ll help your papa take care of you from now on” Cream Heart said before planting a kiss on Albus’s forehead.
(The next day)
“Ah Sunday, best day of the week. Just me, my family and blissful quie-“ Anon said cheerfully before being interrupted by a less than peaceful sound.
“But Moooooom!” A whine called out from upstairs “no buts young stallion, you’ve spent all weekend playing video games now you need to do your homework” Cream Heart stated.
Going up stairs, Albus clinging onto his back, Anon peaked into Button’s room. There the mother-son duo stood arguing “hey now who’s casting avada ka drama without Nonny?” Anon asked as he walked in.
“Button hasn’t done his homework for tomorrow,” Cream Heart explained, “but it’s so boooring!” Button protested “Button it isn’t boring, you’re supposed to write about an ancestor and their accomplishments” Cream Heart said “but that’s it! All our ancestors are boring! We used to be farmers in Appleloosa then grandpa moved to Ponyvillie and that’s it! You’ve told me every story about our family and they’re all so boring! Even the Apples are more interesting and they literally all have the same job from birth to death” Button stated.
Trying to hold in a laugh Anon straightened his expression when Cream Heart gave him a glare. Seconds later Cream’s face went from stern to devious “you know Button, technically Anon is family, if you really want something more exciting you can write about his ancestors” Cream Heart suggested.
“Wait wah?” Anon asked.
Leaning in Cream whispered into her coltfriend’s ear “this is a great chance for you two to bond. Also if you do it I’ll convince Cup to have a threesome~” she said quietly.
“I mean yeah! This old tuna can is full of salty Anonymous family memories. So what you say Button wanna crack it open and take a whiff?” Anon asked, putting way too much effort on the H in whiff.
Recoiling slightly at the metaphor Button let out a sigh “ok I guess” he said in a defeated tone.
“Great! I’ve got a lunch meeting with Cup Cake so I’ll see you boys later” Cream Heart said, planting a kiss on Button’s head then Albus and Anon’s cheeks before exiting the house leaving the three boys to their own devices.
“Don’t worry kid it’ll be brief, Anonymous family history actually starts in 1990” Anon said. Peeking up Button let a small smile across his face “oh, that doesn’t sound too long ago-“ he started “BC” Anon corrected much to Button’s dismay.
Long ago when the pyramids were still young, the Pharaohs of old battled in terrible duels known as the shadow games.
“Cool!” Buttons said as his excitement was starting to grow.
But that’s not the story we’re here to tell.
“Aww”
This story begins within the northern Kush was a man named Anon-Tep. A melon farmer who had moved from further south in search of more fertile farmland.
One day an Egyptian raiding party came down from the north to take slaves and loot.
“That sounds mean” Button stated.
Yeah they were total Aholes.
But they burnt down the wrong melon farm. Rallying his fellow farmers, Anon-Tep defeated the Egyptians and took from them their battle chariots.
Using his fame Anon-Tep built an army and moved north. Deposing the Pharaoh of Egypt, marrying his wives, daughters, sisters and mother thus beginning the Anonymous Dynasty.
“Wow, what happened next?”
Well… nothing really. Sure he made a few tax and agricultural reforms, there was a big uptick of trade during the early years of his rule but nothing really new came of his rule.
“Oh… still it’s pretty cool anyway”
But that’s not where it ends. To maintain his throne he needed allies, to get allies he needed marriages between his children and said ally’s children. So he went on to impregnate EVERYTHING he could find, some say his children numbered in the thousands and married them off to nobles from Gaul to Persia. Within a millenia his bloodline had spread itself over an area twice that size.
By the end of his rule half of the nobles of Egypt were related to him through marriage.
Blinking Button tried to comprehend the almost graphic descriptions Anon gave.
“Oh- ok? So how did his reign end?”
Well, as it would turn out the last Pharaoh had one last son who didn’t flee once Anon-Tep took power. He later married a Eblaite princess in hope of using the alliance to take back his father’s kingdom.
And he did.
Anon-Tep lost the decisive battle of the downwards bulge and his twenty four year rule came to an end. The new Pharaoh would spend the rest of his rule trying to remove any trace Anon-Tep even existed.
Which would be ironically avenged when his son married two of Anon-Tep’s granddaughters securing his bloodline’s rule in Egypt.
“And that was the story of my oldest ancestor. So you wanna write that report on him?” Anon asked.
Rubbing the sides of his head Button tried to rack his brain around this “wait, if the Pharaoh tries so hard to make Anon-step disappear why do you know about him?” Button asked “all of Anon-Tep’s children passed down his story orally through the generations.
“Ok… do you have any other ancestors? Those less, 18+?”
“Oh sure tons, but we didn’t really do anything for another millenia. Just bide time”
The next great Anon was Anonius Greekious. A noble of Macedonia, he took part in the wars of Alexander the Great as a lieutenant and later general of the great King.
“Did he overthrow this one?”
No actually Alexander and Anonius seemed to get along as well as they could. They fought their way across Persia into India and back again.
It was even arranged that Alexander’s infant son would marry Anonius’s daughter once they came of age. But that day never came due to an… unfortunate accident.
Within the palace of Babylon Anonius, one of Alexander’s closest advisers prepared a surprise for his king.
“This is the greatest idea I have ever had,” the green man said, smiling at his handy work. The marble floors of the palace had become dull as of late. To impress his king Anonius had covered the floors in a layer of oils and grease. The result was floors that shone like the sun itself.
“Once the floor’s dried Alex will be so impressed. He might even agree to my request, soon Egypt will be back in the hands of the Anonymous Dynasty” Anonius chuckled as he rubbed his hands together.
“Hey Anonius, did I leave the invasion plans for Arabia in here?” Alexander the Great asked casually walking into the room.
“Wait Alex the floor isn’t!” Anonius tried to call out. But it was too late, Alexander slipped on the oils and broke his neck. The king of Macedonia was dead.
Realising what he had done Anonius took the only responsible option left.
Slowly getting into his knees he slid out the room, whistling causally as he did.
With Alexander dead Anonius first tried to take his armies and take Egypt by force. But Ptolemy cut him off.
With his ambitions thwarted and the kingdoms of Lysimachus and Seleucus closing in on his forty thousand men Anonius, desperate to establish himself as one of the Diadochi Anonius was forced to move to the farthest edge of the empire, taking Sogdia as his realm. For the rest of his life he would have to fight off the Seleucid and nomadic tribes until his empire was inevitably absorbed by the Sassanids centuries later.
But he got a really neat statue back in Greece so there’s an upside.
“Wow, all your ancestors are really depressing”
“Hey not all of them have sticky ends, take my great grandfather 40 times over Anonius Gaius Maximmian”
“Oh no there’s more of them”
Anonius Gaius Maximmian was a Roman businessman who settled in the province of Britannia after its conquest at the hands of Claudius. Being a former legionary and cunning fellow Anonius had acquired not only his 60 acres of land within the north of Britannia but managed to win an additional 600 acres from fellow veterans via gambling which he won with loaded dice.
“Great, a usurper, a murderer and a cheater, I’m so glad Mom considers these guys my ancestors now,” Button said in a monotone voice.
“Oh hush these aren’t even the worst people I’m related to”
But not all was well. One day while overseeing his farm he was kidnapped by a tribe of locals.
Bound and gagged within a war tent, Anonius struggled to get free. As he struggled the tent flap moved open.
Moving inside the tent several red headed women in armour glared at the bound Roman. Removing his gag they stood over Anonius, one keeping a sword pressed against his throat.
“You took our lands Roman, slaughtered our men and left our tribe weak. Now you will repay us in full, we’ve studied your so called ‘civilised” ways. We will trap you within one of your own social contracts and take our land back” one explained.
“You must truly be insane if you think I’m giving you an acre of land you dumb bitch!” Anonius laughed. Confident that legionaries were on the way to save him.
Then they started undressing.
“Because of you we have lost our land and our men. As the Roman with the most of our land you will replace both, now don’t resist, it’ll only make this take longer” their leader said as she moved closer, using her sword to cut open Anonius’s clothes.
After weeks of being kept as a slave by the warrior women Anonius was (reluctantly) rescued by legionnaires.
Unfortunately all the Britons were pregnant so by moral tradition Anonius was forced to provide for them under the anti-degeneracy laws of the time.
“Ok that’s just messed up” Button stated “you know what’s more messed up? My family still owns that land. My eighth cousin Timothy Von Anon runs the place. Nice guy” Anon explained.
“Ok Anon I need to do a report on an ancestor I’m proud of. These are all terrible ponies-“ Button stated “people” Anon corrected “whatever, can we just speed run through them until you get to one who isn’t a total monster?” Button asked “well ok but I’ve got a lot of ancestors” Anon warned.
“Ok, on 3 we go”
“Got it”
“Ok, 3!”
“The first protestant bishop of Bath and Wells”
“And?”
“He was called the baby eating Bishop of Bath and Wells”
“Next”
“A mercenary who became Raja of a kingdom in India via betraying the Raja who hired him then marrying his mother”
“Next!”
“A khan who took over the Aral sea and surrounding area after the collapse of the Mongol Empire”
“Did he kill someone to get there?”
“Only the entire garrison”
“Next!”
“The inventor of the bicycle seat”
“What was wrong with him?”
“He intended for it to be a club to assault attackers with”
“Next!!”
“A merchant who was the first European to make a trade deal with India”
“Did he cheat them?”
“No he just called it chai tea, it literally means tea tea”
“Next!!”
“President Kennedy”
“Next!!!”
“An oil baron who gave most of his wealth away to help struggling families during the Great Depression”
“Ok he sounds cool”
“He made it back selling illegal booze”
“Next!!!”
“That’s really all of them sorry”
Facehoofing himself Button left the room “hey kid where are you going?” Anon asked.
“I’ve got this dumb assignment to do and this hasn’t helped at all! I’m going to see if Sweetie Bell will help me on it” Button yelled before the sound of the door roughly slamming seconds later.
Frowning to himself Anon let out a sigh “Guess my family isn’t considered ‘moral’ on two planets. At least I didn’t tell him how my great great grandfather built railroads through eighteen orphanages” he said to himself.
Gently picking Albus off his back with his teeth Anon rested his son on a hammock made of his unfolded wings “at least you’ll always see the best in our bloodline hey little buddy?” Anon chuckled as the little foal giggled while being rocked in his father’s wings.
Unfortunately the moment was ruined by a sudden smell entering the room. Sniffing around Anon recoiled for a second before turning his attention back to his son.
“You just shat yourself didn’t you?” Anon asked, only getting a raspberry blown as a result.
“I’m embarrassing you in front of every filly you end up bringing home I hope you realise?” Anon stated.
“Keep the kid I said, you’ll be a dilf I said” Anon grumbled under his breath.
-1 day later-
“I’m home!” Button called out “welcome home sweetie” Cream Heart greeted while stirring a pot of stew that was meant for dinner.
“Hey Button '' Anon greeted amicably. The two hadn’t talked much since yesterday’s failure.
Shuffling his feet in place Button nervously reached into his saddlebag and pulled out a piece of paper “hey Mom, could you have a quick look over my assignment. Mrs Cheerilee said it was good but I wanted to know what you think” Button asked.
Taking the sheet of paper Cream sat down next to her son before she started reading out loud.
Over the last few months I’ve learnt that there’s more than one kind of family.
There’s the one you’re born into and the one you find.
My report is on the family I found. Anon isn’t just a really fun stallion to be around, he always helps my mom around the house, he makes her happy and I’ll be a big brother soon thanks to him.
He’s a really good writer, even though Mom says I’m not old enough to handle his books but never mind. Plus he’s friends with the Elements and all the Princesses to, which is super cool.
He taught me that just because somepony has a bloodline filled with more evil than all the monsters of Equestria times ten doesn’t mean they’re not a good pony.
He’s not my dad, but I'm glad he’s my step-dad.
Even if he is the descendant of the Baby-Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells. Whatever that means.
“So… what do you guys think?” Button asked “oh Button! This is going on the fridge” Cream said, locking her son in a vice-like hug as she smothered him and kissed him “Mom! It’s just a B-!” Button said, trying to pry himself free.
“Anon are you crying?” He asked, his struggle holting for a moment as he noticed Anon’s reaction.
“No, you’re crying. Shut up I’m just sweating from my eyeballs. It’s a natural evolutionary trait of Thestrals” Anon lied through his sniffling, tear filled eyes.
AN: did you guys know there was actually an Irish mercenary who became Raja of an Indian kingdom? Seriously look up George Thomas.
When Celestia had returned from her meeting with the Yaks to find a suspiciously large surplus of bits in the royal treasury.
When confronted about it Luna shrugged it off, but being able to tell when her sister was lying Celestia pursued the truth.
After a valiant defence Luna gave in and admitted that Anon told her to print bits with cheaper metals in order to replace the national budget that she was conned out of by a foal. While the urge to laugh was great the ramifications it held for Equestria’s economy allowed her to push it down easily.
When inquired where these majority of these counterfeit bits had gone Luna gave an explanation that, for the first time in a long time, struck true fear into Celestia’s heart.
Kneeling before the two thrones, Cadance and Shining Armour had been called to speak with the diarchy on this pressing issueZ
“Captain Armour, Cadance, Equestria is in a state of crisis' ' Celestia explained.
“What can we do Auntie?” Cadance asked.
Taking in a deep breath, Celestia side eyes a sheepish looking Luna before turning back to the couple “Anon has vanished into the north, he was given one hundred million bits by Luna here with the intention of selecting what provinces were in need of economic development but has disappeared. This is one of the greatest threats to Equestria since Nightmare Moon’s return” she explained.
While Cadance showed concern for her friend’s disappearance, Shining simply tilted his head in confusion “um, forgive me Princess, but that seems like a bit of an over exaggeration” he said.
Getting an almost death glare like look from Celestia Shining bowed his head again “Shining, do you remember your wedding night? When Anon put an aphrodisiac in the punch and sent every mare in the party into heat?” Celestia asked.
Yes, Shining remembers that night. While he won’t admit it due to the aftermath he had the best night of his life.
“Yes your highness”
“Anon caused the mass impregnating of Equestria’s nobility on a scale so great the government has had to make plans to deal with the aftermath. Now, imagine what Anon could accomplish with one hundred million bits and nopony there to keep an eye on him”
Hearing her words, Shining's eyes went wide as the implications hit him.
“I’ll gather my best guards and mount a full search, everypony will be alerted and all local police forces will be requisitioned to help with the search” Shining stated “I’ve already sent word to Twilight and her friends, Anon has family in Ponyville. If this isn’t a part of Anon’s plan they need to be alerted that he’s missing” Celestia explained “I want both of you to lead the search, be careful, and bring Anon home before he hurts himself, or worse, succeeds in whatever he’s doing” Celesita ordered.
Meanwhile in Ponyville, the main six had the job of breaking the news of Anon’s disappearance to Cream Heart.
Is safe to say the now heavily pregnant mare took it as well as you’d expect.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN “WE LOST YOUR COLTFRIEND!!!?’” She roared, the sound causing the house to shake and almost pulled Button out of his gamer session.
Almost.
With everyone but Applejack and Pinkie now cowering behind her Twilight tried to re-explain the situation “well, Princess Luna sent Anon up north to survey our border regions for investment and he kind of… disappeared” Twilight said, giving a light chuckle through her nervous smile while Cream Heart glared at them.
“Ma’am don’t worry, the Princess has mobilised the entire guard to go lookin for Anon. Everything’s gonna be fine, as long as Anon ain’t doing nothing too… Anonish” Applejack interjected.
“What exactly is that supposed to mean?” Cream asked with a defensive tone “sugarcube, Anon has more bits then our entire town has ever seen and no pony’s there to keep an eye on him” Applejack stated.
After a few moments the hard stare melted off Cream Heart’s face as the realisation hit her “oh buck” she said calmly.
“Exactly,” Twilight stated.
“I’m, I'm sorry for my outburst girls. Just promise me you’ll get Anon home safe” Cream Heart apologised.
“Don’t worry’bout it. We’ll have Nonny home in time for a ‘we stopped him from causing chaos’ party!” Pinkie said happily bouncing in place.
“Pregnant mares are scary” Fluttershy whispered to Dash as the group made their way to the train station “agreed, well for you maybe. I definitely wasn’t scared” Dash lied like a Russian watch.
In the far north Cadance and Shining sat in the hall of a great castle. The local duke, Duke Chivalrous Order, the noble in charge of this land, had taken them in as guests while they searched for Anon.
On a great oak table was a map of the region. Several red X’s were drawn over areas they had already searched for Anon.
Suddenly a pegasi guard walked into the room “your highnesses I’ve found something… strange” he explained “Anon?” Cadance asked, hope entering her voice only to be dashed away seconds later.
Shaking his head the guard approached the table. Drawing a red circle in an unmapped region between Equestria and Yakyakistan “I was scouting this area, it was supposed to be a barren region but, there’s a city there” he explained.
“That’s impossible, this entire region’s been uninhabited tundra forever, even Anon, for all his weirdness couldn’t build a city in a week” Shining stated “unless” Cadance muttered.
Raising his eyebrow, Shining looked at his wife with concern “unless what hun?” He asked “Shining, I think that city is the Crystal Empire” Cadance explained.
Everyone in the room had heard stories of the Crystal Empire, but few other than the royal sisters truly believe it existed.
“Cadance, the Empire is a myth, nothing could survive in the cold there but Yaks” Shining said. Shaking her head, Cadance looked determined “no, Aunt Celestia used to tell me stories about it when I was young. She said it was real and I believe her. If it’s really back we have to take all our guards and go there now” Cadance stated.
“You don’t think Anon is there do you?” Shining asked, now becoming worried at how his wife is acting “I hate to say this but Anon can wait. If the Empire is back then that means Sombra is free. You get your guards ready to move out, I need to send word of this to Aunt Celestia” Cadance ordered as she moved to get a quill and paper.
Hearing that name, Shining didn’t utter another word. Back in school he had learned the name Sombra. A dark unicorn who was supposedly sealed away a millenia ago. Until now he thought he was a myth made up to scare foals who didn’t behave. But if Cadance believed he was real, and that he’s back, all of Equestria is at risk.
Assembling his guards in the courtyard, Shining gave them a once over before briefing them on the situation.
“Stallions, Equestria is in danger. I know this sounds hard to believe, but King Sombra of the Crystal Empire has returned. Our new mission is to secure the Crystal City and hold him at bay until reinforcements can come from Canterlot. I can’t promise that you’ll all come home from this, that’s why I’m not ordering you into battle. I’m asking for volunteers, any of you who choose not to come may stay here and hold this position. Nopony will think any less of you for it”
A few moments passed, but one by one all the guards took a step forward. Shining gave them a small smile, they may not be the well armed army that helped forge Equestria millenia ago but he was proud of every one of them.
Soon Cadance joined them in the square, flying down from the castle and landing next to her husband “I’ve sent the letter, Aunt Celestia should be sending reinforcements now” Cadance said “but we’ll have to push on on our own for now, are you ready?” Cadance said “ready as I’ll ever be '' Shining responded.
Using carriages and chariots pulled by the pegasi guard, Shining and Cadance managed to reach the Crystal City in under two hours.
Everyone was in awe of its majesty. A snowflake shaped city built of pure crystal, with a massive tower like palace overlooking it all at its centre. The sun reflecting off its surface created an almost rainbow-like shine.
“Sir! There’s a gathering at the heart of the city!” One of the pegasi said “bring us down near them!” Shining ordered.
Landing near the city centre the guard formed up, expecting the fight of their lives.
But instead of a dark sorcerer straight from their nightmares, they were met by thousands of normal ponies, albeit ones who appeared to be made of crystal, organised into a few neat lines. All seeming to be heading towards a large zeppelin bearing the Equestrian flag on its side parked just outside the tower.
“What the actual buck?” Shining commented.
Using the guard’s muscle Cadance and Shining pushed their ways through the lines. Coming to the front the couple stopped, their eyes wide once they saw who was causing this commotion.
“Alright here’s you’re loan, you don’t have to worry about paying off our debt until the third year then we can start you off on 250 bits a month over a period of t twenty years, thank you for choosing Anon Banking Firm, NEXT! Oh hey Cadance” Anon said, his attention being turned to the royal couple.
“Anon, WHAT are you doing?”Cadance asked “its a long story” Anon said.
“When I got sent up here by Luner Lander I found a book talking about a gem mine of some kind that’s supposed to be up here.
So I came up here planning to use the cash I was given to restart the mines and make a fat sack of cash for my good self.
That, or assuming the mines weee a dud, go further up north and buy a bunch of the Yak’s cheap but strong booze, water it down till the ponies can drink it and sell it for ten times the initial investment making it so this trip wasn’t a total loss. Financially speaking of course.
But then I found this city and I was like “da hell is this?” So I landed, met the locals. At first I thought they were making me their new king but turns out they just got out of slavery and needed help rebuilding their lives. So now I’ve started a banking firm and I’ve been giving quick loans at 20% intrest. I’m the only bank in town so I’m gonna make a mint.
So what brings you here?”
Taking in the information Cadance just rubbed her forehead “Anon, you realise that’s state money you’re using. You’re going to have to give it all back no matter how much you make” Shining pointed out.
Pulling out a piece of paper Anon waved it in the Captain’s face.
“Not according to my employment contract” he stated.
Taking the paper Shining started reading.
The employment contract of Anonymous.
I Anonymous, agree to examine northern Equestria for potential state investment plans.
But if I use the cash to make any profits instead I can keep the profit.
Signature here: Princes Luna
“See?” Anon said smuggly.
“Anon” Cadance said “yes Cadie?” Anon asked “you need to leave” Cadance stated.
“What are you talking about?” Anon asked “I’m making a killing here, I’ll have a Banana Republic up and running in a year” he added “Anon, this Empire is ruled by an evil unicorn named Sombra, he’s coming to take back his kingdom and enslave everyone here” Cadance explained.
“What!?”
“Sombra’s coming!?”
“Oh fuck you’ve done it now”
The crystal ponies, hearing their oppressor’s name devolved into a panic. Running in every direction, the ponies knocked over guards and carts as they went.
“Honestly Cadance I assumed you’d have a little more tact” Anon said in an dissapointed tone.
“Tact isn’t exactly important right now Anon, we need to get ready. Sombra could be here any second!” Cadance stated “oh come on that’s a bit dramatic” Anon responded.
While the two friends were arguing a large black shadow started to loom over the city. As it’s shadow blotted out the sun everypony turned to face it. While at first it appered to be a great storm cloud, it’s appearance was quickly altered by the appearance of two large glowing green eyes at its centre.
“Yeah on second thoughts Yakyakistan seems like a good idea right now”
AN: For those who don’t know what a Banana Republic is they’re a state where the economy is dependent on exports of its natural resources and said resources are monopolised by corporations. A lot of Central American states were Banana Republics in the literal sense for a while. A lot still are.
But back on the topic of Anon would you like to see him visit places like Zebrica or Griffonia. I’ve been reading a few fics about the continents and it’s given me a few ideas.
The Crystal City stood under siege surrounded by a glistening magical shield. Sombra had vanished, but no one inside believed he was gone for good. Within the lower levels of the palace, Princess Cadance exhausted herself maintaining the shield.
It took every ounce of her strength to keep it up. If it faltered, if Sombra got in. She knew even with Shining and the guard they couldn’t beat him.
So to keep him at bay until help could arrive she needed to be entirely focused on keeping the shield up.
Which would be a lot easier if-
“Anything from the trolley!” Anon called out as he entered the room. A metal trolley being pushed by him.
He had done this several times already, pushing the infernal hot trolley, requisitioned from the royal zeppelin he used to get here. Pushing it around giving out food or hot drinks to anypony who crossed his path.
“Anything from the trolley dear?” Anon asked casually as if this wasn’t the eight time today he’d done this.
Letting out a sigh, Cadance had learnt not to try to argue with the mad thestral more than a year ago.
“Just another coffee, and one of those carrot pasties if there’s any left” she said “coming right up” Anon said, using a pair of tongs to grab the baked good out the trolley and pouring a cup of black coffee.
“Honestly Cadance I don’t know how you can stomach this stuff without any sugar, but you’re the princess so who am I to question your dietary habits” Anon commented in a non-malicious tone.
Putting the plate and cup on a table near Cadance, Anon stretched out his wings, giving a little grunt. Taking a few steps towards the window he looked out at the shield with an impressed look on his face “gotta say, never expected my first siege to be this pleasant” he admitted.
“You’re taking this a little too well” Cadance pointed out, seconds before inhaling her coffee in one large sip.
After recovering from the impressed shock of what he just saw Anon returned to his previous calm demeanour.
“Don’t get me wrong Princess I’m just as scared as you. Knowing beyond that shield is pony Voldemort just waiting for a chance to strike. I think taking my mind off stuff like that helps” Anon explained.
“Besides everything will be fine, Twiggles and her friends will show up and save the day and we all go home, you to your palace and me to my kid and milf gf”
Anon’s optimistic attitude started to melt away when he turned back to see Cadance. Her exhausted state getting worse by the second.
Taking his trolley Anon left Cadance to focus.
Touring the tower Anon saw guards moving supplies around, setting up barricades in hallways and handing out supplies.
Shining was in a makeshift command room with a few other guards “anything from the trolley?” Anon asked.
“We’re fine Anon” Shining said in a neutral tone.
Peaking over onto the table Anon’s eye was caught on the image of a heart situated on the top of a drawing of the tower.
“The hell is that?” Anon asked “that’s the Crystal Heart, It’s how the Empire was able to thrive in this environment in the first place. It may also be able to beat Sombra, if we can find it” Shining explained.
“But Sombra left so many traps in the damn tower that it’s impossible to find anything,” he added.
Looking over the map again, then looking back to the increasingly tense Shining Anon returned to his trolley. Pushing it out the room and into the hallway.
As the hours passed. Twilight’s friends arrived, meeting with Cadance and Shining the Mane Six were filled in on what was happening.
“We need to find the Crystal Heart, it’s the only way to stop Sombra” Cadance explained “don’t worry Cadance, we can do it together” Twilight stated “yeah, this is a two episode adventure tops. As long as nothing goes horribly wrong” Dash said confidently.
“Hey where’s Nonny? I thought he was supposed to be here” Pinkie asked.
For a few seconds the magical barrier collapsed before being restored.
“What?” Cadance asked, fear starting to take over her tired voice.
“He’s not in the city your highness” a guard said “but if he’s not here, where else could he be-“ Shining started before he came to a terrifying realisation.
“Oh no” Shining choked.
Out in the cold, the tyrant King Sombra floated above the ground in his shadowy form. His size being great enough to encompass the visible sky for a mile in any direction.
Underneath his smoky mass was a green bat-pony in a surprisingly dapper red cape.
“Dormamu I've come to bargain!” Anon called out.
Narrowing his glowing green eyes Sombra glared down at the thestral.
“There is no bargaining, this land is mine, these pathetic creatures are my slaves and nothing can change this” Sombra roared.
“I’ll give you tree fiddy for the lot” Anon offered.
Stunned for a moment. Perhaps by the stupidity or perhaps by the sheer size of this stallion’s balls Sombra quickly regained his composure.
“Tree… what!?” Sombra snapped “ok for you my friend I’ll go up to four fiddy” Anon offered.
Becoming annoyed Sombra shot several bolts of purple lightning around Anon. Managing to miss him the bolts caused obsidian black crystals to jet out the ground.
“Ok, I see you’re a man… stallion… cloud? You’re a cloud who knows the value of real estate. I’ll give you ten million and tree fiddy bits AND this gift card for starbucks with twenty dollars on it. You can’t use it because there isn’t a starbucks on Equestria”
Growling like thunder, Sombra began to move away from the area. Heading towards the Crystal Empire he left Anon behind.
Watching as the city grew closer and closer, Sombra’s evil thoughts were quickly blocked out by more annoying noise.
“Ok, last offer. Ten million bits, the gift card and a twelve percent stake in my own mining company and not a penny more”
Looking back, Sombra saw Anon flying after him. Letting out a roar that shook the mountains Sombra stopped. His shadowy form turned inside out as his face reformed in front of Anon.
“You are without a doubt the most annoying creature in the history of Equestria!” Sombra yelled.
“Thank you I try” Anon stated before a shadowy tendril swatted him out of the sky.
Slamming into the snow Anon’s vision faded as he saw the shield fall and Sombra head towards the city.
And like that history went as intended. Through the courage of Spike, Sombra was defeated and the day was saved.
As the crystal ponies relished their new freedom the Mane Six could only think of one thing.
Where’s Anon?
As they searched the surrounding wilderness, Twilight spotted two young foals playing in the snow.
Watching them patting down a snow-pony.
Letting a smile slip Twilight approached the two “having fun?” She asked.
“Yes ma’am!” One giggled.
“Twilight!” Rainbow Dash said, dropping down from the sky.
“Found any trace of Anon?” Twilight asked. Letting out a sigh, Rainbow shook her head “nothing. Eh buck him he’s probably died out here” Rainbow said.
“Rainbow!” Twilight scolded as the two foals looked on in horror at the concept.
“Buck you bitch! You’re dead!” The snow-pony snapped back through muffled noise.
Shaking for a moment the head of the snow-pony exploded revealing Anon, letting out a roar loud enough to scare the two foals back to the city.
“Anon!?” Twilight squealed “why are you in a snow-pony dude?” Rainbow asked curiously.
“Why AREN'T you in a snow-pony?” Anon asked.
“Now where is Sombra? I’m ready to go all Optimus Prime on that bitch!” Anon stated as he shook back and forth.
“Dude? Are you stuck in there?” Rainbow asked.
Blushing slightly, Anon turned his head away.
Snickering, Rainbow effortlessly withstood the death glare Twilight was giving her.
Using her magic Twilight lifted Anon off the ground. His entire body below his neck being trapped within snow.
Meeting up with the girls Twilight put Anon down onto the ground in front of them.
“Oh dear”
“Darling what happened?”
“Why are y’all doin covered in ice Anon?”
“Yay! Nonny is a snow-pony!”
“Girls this is serious! We need to get Anon out of here” Twilight stated.
“We could light a fire” Rainbow suggested.
“We’re not setting fire to Anon” Rarity stated.
“Can’t we just dig em out? It’s just snow sugarcube” Applejack suggested.
“The snow seems extremely compact. Look” Twilight explained before attempting to kick the snow off Anon. The result being that Anon tipped over. But the snow seemed unaffected.
“We are not amused,” Anon stated.
“What were ya doing outside in the now anyway Nonny. Now’s not the time to make snow-ponies” Pinkie asked.
“I was trying to buy the Crystal Empire off Sombra. But then I got bitch slapped” Anon explained.
“WHAT!?” Every lifeform in the city cried out in unison.
“Hey, I was generous. I even offered my starbucks gift card” Anon explained.
“Now somepony get me out of here my nuts are freezing and let me tell you if they fall off there will be hell to pay” Anon asked.
“Well we can’t shake you out, and we can’t burn you out, maybe we should just breathe on you? Air is hot right?” Rainbow suggested.
With no other real ideas the girls reluctantly gave it a try.
Gathering around the imprisoned stallion and started breathing on him to little effect.
“What’s going on he- Anon?” Cadance asked as she approached the girls.
“Sup Cadie,” Anon greeted.
“Hi Cadance. Anon’s trapped in very dense snow and we’re trying to thaw him by breathing” Pinkie explained.
“If you want to help Cadance there’s an available spot between my legs~” Anon teasingly suggested.
Having to move her hoof to block Shining, Cadance took in a deep breath.
“We… We can figure this out later. For now we need to decide what’s happening to all of you” she said, turning her attention to the crystal ponies.
“I know this must all be a little overwhelming to you. Waking up after a nightmare, you’re in a strange new time. But I, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza promise that I will work tirelessly to help you all step into a new era of peace and happine-“
“Cadance, are you seriously trying to make yourself their ruler when they met you two days ago?” Anon asked.
“Well, I just assumed they’d want help-“ Cadance began.
“ASSUMED!? You mean in nearly two days of being here you didn’t think to ask them what they wanted?” Anon said.
“I was holding up a shield to protect them from Sombra” Cadance pointed out.
“Cadie if saving ponies from evil fuckers was enough to be made a princess then the Element barers would have been made princesses a LONG time ago” Anon pointed out.
“Hey don’t bring us into this!” Twilight said.
“He’s got a point darling” Rarity stepped in.
“Rainbow Dash, Princess of Awsomeness, I kinda like the way that sounds' ' Dash daydreamed.
“Back on topic, shouldn't you at least ask them what they want? For all we know this could be the founding of Equestria’s first fully functioning republic” Anon suggested.
“I- that’s actually a really good idea” Candance said, realising that for once Anon had a good idea.
“Well? What do you guys want to do!?” Anon called out.
There was mumbling in the crowds. Every crystal pony was talking over each other trying to come to an answer.
“To be honest, we kinda thought the thestral was in charge now,” one admitted.
“What!?” Every non-crystal pony including Anon asked.
“What makes you think that?” Cadance asked, utterly bewildered at their answer.
“He was giving us all money” the same crystal pony explained, “and he did go out to face Sombra alone,” another pointed out.
“I made an MCU reference,” Anon proudly admitted.
“Do you have any more money?” Another crystal pony asked “yes” Anon confirmed.
“Money that isn’t property of the government of Equestria?” Shining asked doubtfully “yes actually” Anon stated.
“Girls, I have to tell you the truth, but you’ve gotta promise not to be mad at me” Anon said, making the girls adopt stern looks.
“Anon, what did you do?” Applejack asked with a firm voice.
“Ok ok ok, I’ve secretly been operating an off the books mine in the Everfree using a colony of diamond dogs as my employees for nearly a year, and it’s worth a crap ton” Anon explained.
“What!?” Four out of the five members of the Mane Six yelled, with Fluttershy jumping at the noise and Pinkie well… Pinkie already knows.
“So yeah I’ve got money, I’ve got some stuff to sort out down south before I can commit but yeah I’ve got money” Anon confirmed.
“Great, that and not enslaving us is all we’re really for in a monarch after Sombra” one of the crowd said.
“Well, are you sure you don’t want to form a freely elected government? Or maybe a city council?” Anon asked.
“Nope, we’re good” a crystal pony said.
“Or if you’re set on a monarchy Cadance is another choice as long as the majority of you want her” Anon added.
“Nah you were here first” another rejected.
“But he has no qualifications to lead a nation, I’ve been raised by Celestia most my life” Cadance backed Anon up “yeah, plus she’s got a way nicer flank then me” Anon stated “yeah and I’ve got a way nicer fla- hey!” Cadance began to agree before she heard the last part.
“He’s right, I get that every night” Shining whispered/bragged to a nearby crystal pony.
“I disagree!” Someone called out from the crowd.
“Yeah don’t sell yourself short!”
“Once you’re free from the snow could you shake it a little for us?”
“This quickly devolved into talking about my ass quickly huh?” Anon asked
“Long live King Anon the Dump Truck!” A mare called out.
“Long live King Anon! Long live the king!”
Listening to the chants of the ponies, Cadance’s eye twitched slightly.
Putting a hoof on his wife’s shoulder “it’ll be alright Cadance. I promise. Until then is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” Shining asked. Watching as the crystal ponies picked up Anon’s still imprisoned body and started carrying him to the palace.
“Sorry for stealing this from you two, I genuinely thought they’d go for democracy” Anon apologised as he was carried past them.
“Pinkie help me! They’re taking me! It’s cuz I’m a gangsta!”
“Yay! Coronation Party!”
“There’s only one thing that might make me feel better at this point Shiny” Cadance stated.
“Name it Honey” Shining responded with vigour.
“I want a baby”
Heading those words, Shining's eyes shrank to pinpricks. Knowing he wasn’t going to be walking straight for a long time.
Later that day in Canterlot, an anxious Princess Celestia received a letter from Twilight.
Dear Princess Celestia
Today I learned two important lessons.
First, no matter how dark or desperate a situation may seem. As long as we stick together, even the smallest of lives can be the hero of the day.
Secondly, and my least favoured of the two lessons.
Is it that ponies, when given a choice, tend to pick leaders based on looks and willingness to give out bits then actual long term plans or moral ideals.
So I suggest we all prepare bunkers to survive the inevitable fallout. Because Anon has been made the ruler of the Crystal Empire.
Fearfully your student, Twilight Sparkle.
Reading the letter Celestia was well and truly lost for words.
Well I tell a lie. She did have three words to say.
“Luna, you're grounded!” She called out, the Princess of the Night fast asleep, but shivering at the feeling of an impending doom coming for her.
AN:
I give the empire a week before it collapses under the weight of Anon’s Floridaman-ness.
Also poor Lulu. She learnt today never leave Anon unsupervised with money XD.
Also thanks to Silent Wing for giving me the “buy the Empire” idea. A Roman Emperor actually did that once… he didn’t last long.
I know you always said that I should never stray too far from ponies with more common sense than me.
Today I have proven you right.
On a routine mission to exploit uninhabited lands I’ve become King of the Glass Horses.
For now I am trapped here in the north but I will weasel my way back home as soon as possible.
The thought of just selling this dump to Sun Butt and Luner Booty have crossed my mind but I have elected that it would be funnier if I ruled.
Sincerely, your Big Dick Baby Daddy, Anon.
…
Dear Princess Celestia
It wasn’t my fault.
Lulu sent me to invest in the Equestrian north. I was under the impression the Empire would want in on this friendship and harmony shit so I wanted to get in on it beforehand.
First come first serve and whatnot.
While you may suggest I abdicate in favour of somepony with buzzwords like ‘experience’ or ‘mental stability’ I believe that me ruling a city state in the north is just way funnier.
Also you’ll have to come up here so we can talk because I’ve gotten requests from the locals to invade north Equestria.
Something about ponies squatting on the Empire’s land. I think some of your border regions used to be a part of its lands or something but I’m not sure.
I’m not going to ask for it back. I know from my subject’s point of view it was a part of the Empire last week but I’m trying to settle them into this new millennium.
Don’t punish Lulu too hard. Her only mistake was trusting me.
Sincerely, King Anon ‘the Chad’
PS: you’re not getting that money back, soz.
…
Dear Princess Luna /i]
Sorry.
Heard you got grounded by Sun-Butt.
If it makes you feel better once Albus is an adult you can be his wife. Therefore becoming a Queen, therefore ungroundable.
Hope you come to visit soon, I like your company. Even if it’s mostly you punishing me for traumatising generations of foals or you getting conned.
Lovingly, your friend, King Anon.
Dear Twilight Sparkle
Lol.
Sincerely, King Anon ‘the Chad’
…
Dear Griffonia
I am writing multiple copies of this letter to the various states of your land because I don’t understand who the fuck is in charge over there.
I was just writing to tell you the Crystal Empire is back baby.
So whoever is Emperor these days, or Chancellor or Supreme Mugwump or whatever the guy with the biggest stick is calling themselves.
Feel free to drop by so we can talk politics and shit.
Sincerely, King Anon ‘the Chad’
…
To Rutherford
How is my favourite Yak doing?
Sorry for the scare man, dropping a kingdom on your southern border was a major dick move on my part. Sorry.
So if you wanna drop by for a visit I’ll try and get Pinkie up here for a party.
Sincerely, King Anon ‘the Chad’
PS: Your brother isn’t still mad about the Borat thing is he?
…
My dearest Anon
I told you so.
Forever yours, Cream Heart.
PS: If you don’t get back here before this foal is born I swear to Celestia I will (various unreadable words that have been scribbled out) Sorry about that. I’m just going through mood swings while writing this.
…
Dear Anon
Please tell me this is all a joke.
I have asked very little of you in our time knowing each other but please tell me this is a joke.
Oh my me you are not joking are you?
(Something scribbled out)
We will be coming to visit soon, hopefully we can get all this sorted out before too much damage is done.
Your friend, now and forever, Princess Celestia
PS: Please please please tell me this is a joke.
…
Dear ‘King’ Anon
Nothing is going to heal what I do to you.
It may not be today, or the next.
Perhaps we shall wait until you are old and your prime is but a memory.
You cannot know. So you shall not know.
But we WILL exact revenge upon you for thy role in our grounding.
And you shall wish that you were never born.
Sincerely, your best friend, Lulu
…
To King Anon
While as a Griffon my pride should be insulted, I understand your uncertainty of the state of my lands.
I would be honoured to come meet with you. In this time and age the Equestrians may have a point about harmony and friendship.
Sincerely, Emperor Grover V
…
To Anon
Yaks would love to come to Anon’s new house.
Rutherford is happy that drinking friend is closer to home now.
Many yaks scared when Crystal Empire returned. But yaks not that scared. Yaks ready to fight, yaks ready to win.
But yaks happy Anon is King now.
Bradford still very angry. Always keeps giant puppet of Anon in room. It looks like you but has many knives sticking in eyes.
Prince Rutherford
…
Dear Anon
Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please tell me this is a joke!
I love you like a brother Anon. Well I love you like a very close male friend. But please tell me this isn’t serious.
I’m sorry but you as a king is the last thing a nation needs when awakening a thousand years in the future.
If it was any other city I’m sure you’d make a great leader but I cannot sleep soundly knowing that not only have you been left to your own devices you have the lives of thousands of ponies in your hooves.
Also Mrs Cake wants to know when you’re coming back for a visit. Chocolate wants to know when her ‘Uncle Nonners’ is coming over to play again.
Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle
…
Reading through the responses to his letters Anon’s brow was fairly furrowed.
“Nice to know my ‘friends’ are giving me full support” he muttered.
Getting up from the desk in his new chambers at the Crystal City Anon went to the doors.
With confirmation Rutherford was coming he wanted to make sure the booze supply would be plentiful enough.
Opening his chamber doors he was stopped by two crystal ponies standing in his way.
One was a salmon coloured stallion with light white hair, wearing a slightly scruffy suit and tie while the other was a turquoise mare with a navy blue mane wearing a plain but still pretty looking wedding dress.
“M-my King, we’ve come for the Prima Nocta” the mare said, visibly upset with the whole concept.
The stallion, who Anon was fairly sure was her new husband, only looked ashamed of himself as his head was lowered to the ground.
Anon on the other hand just looked pissed as all hell.
“For fuck sake- do I need to get a town cryer or something? I’ve appealed that law. I. DO. NOT. WANT. YOUR. WIFE’S. VIRGINITY. I’ve had to say this ten times today!” Anon mini-ranted.
The couple suddenly brightened up.
“Y-you don’t?” The mare said, her fear being replaced by hope.
“Sweetheart, I've got a pregnant marefriend. I'm not about to start humping other stallion’s wives, those days are behind me. Now go home and enjoy your night, and for fuck sake tell everypony you meet that Prima Nocta is now illegal” Anon explained.
“Thank you my liege, you don’t know how much this means to us” the stallion thanked.
The couple quickly turned around and left Anon’s presence.
“I’ve got to get a message board up in the entrance or something” Anon sighed to himself.
AN: I know not much happened here but I thought it would be a quick reaction of the major factions to Anon’s ascension.
The Prima Nocta thing just sounds like something Sombra would do.
Within the Crystal City, Anon, King of the Glass Horses, saw to the affairs of state.
“Stupid tax laws,” Anon grumbled.
“Stupid social reforms”
“Stupid ponies showing up expecting me to fuck their wives”
Flipping the table Anon let out a scream of rage “why couldn’t this have happened when I was single!”
“And especially, STUPID TAXES!”
“S-sire” a timid voice said.
“What!?” Anon snapped.
Looking at a purple crystal pony mare holding a clipboard Anon’s enraged expression cooled down.
“Sorry I, what was it you were saying?” Anon asked calmly.
Becoming slightly less tense she slowly approached her king “well, sir I don’t want to question you but… you’ve already complained about taxes” she explained.
“Oh, well I still hate them. Seriously, why do I have to rewrite your system? Didn’t you have one before the Sauron wannabe douche-turd took over?” Anon asked.
“Well sire, we did once. But your predecessor made sure to erase everything from before his reign. Much of our art, laws and even culture have been lost” she explained.
“Great, I'm going to have to rebuild this entire society from the ground up,” he said in a sarcastic tone.
The Empire was in a sorry state. It’s citizenry had just gotten out of slavery so the economy basically didn’t exist, it was surrounded by stronger states with no real allies yet and to top it all off Anon did not have access to coffee.
“I’m sorry I never asked, what was your name again?” Anon asked.
“Clear Crystal your majesty” she introduced herself.
“Well Clear, I want you to go out and start creating a census. I want a list of every citizen in the empire, their names, addresses and anything else that might be important” Anon ordered.
Bowing slightly, Clear Crystal left the King to his work.
“I bet you’re loving this… whatever god is watching. I spend two years not paying taxes and now I’m the one making everypony else pay it”
Anon still hated taxes, he hated them a lot. But the royal coffers did not.
He hated taking money from earners the whole taxing season. Don’t ask me why, no writer quite knows the reason.
Maybe his head wasn’t on quite right, maybe it’s all the libertarians he listened to at night.
But I think the most likely reason of all, was back on earth, his paychecks were two sizes too small.
“All my life I’ve put up with them now, I must find cash without taxes, but how?”
“Fuck I’m turning into Dr Seuss”
Going through the hours of economic and industry documentaries he watched back home. Most of which being semi-satire YouTube videos, he tried to come up with a system.
And he continued to, again, and again, and again. For twenty eight hours until he inevitably gave up.
“Fuck this shit I’ll find a diffrent income source!” I snapped.
Hearing a knock on the door Anon turned his attention away from the financial state of the empire.
“Come in” he said.
Coming through the doorway with a cart full of large thick books, Crystal Clear panted heavily.
“I have (gasp for air) the census (more enhailing) you’re majesty” she panted.
“Shit that was fast, thanks” Anon thanked.
1st census of Crystal Empire Subjects.
Adult male population: 4,101,443
Adult female population: 4,148,551
Foal male population: 2,189,541
Foal female population: 2,187,643
Total population: 12,627,178
“Thanks, fuck you all live in this one city? I mean I know the place is huge but still fuck” Anon stated. Soon realising he would be responsible for all these ponies.
“We were once the heart of a much larger Empire, your majesty, our capital swelled in size due to its great deposits of crystals, but unfortunately it appears generations of Equestrians have settled our former lands,” Crystal explained.
“Yeah I keep hearing about that. Recently. What’s you’re opinion on the lands?” Anon asked.
“Personally your majesty, I’ve come to terms with it. We’ve been gone a thousand years and those lands have long since been settled by others. We can’t expect them to up and leave lands they were born on, but many of your subjects still view those lands as rightfully ours. You should tread carefully before making a decision on them” Crystal Clear explained.
“Thanks for the advice” Anon thanked.
Gratitude wasn’t something the Crystal Ponies were used to getting from their king. It had been a while since they had a ruler who saw them as more than a cheap labour force.
Crystal Clear had a good feeling about this new king.
“Sire” a guard said as he entred the chamber “hm?” Anon responded.
“You have guests from Equestria, one of the alicorns is with them” he explained.
“How fat is her ass?” Anon asked.
Initially stunned the guard quickly recovered “um, not particularly big, but still larger than the average mare” he explained.
“Ooh Cadance is here” Anon said with a pleasant tone in his voice.
Within the throne room Cadance and Shining Armour sat, waiting anxiously for the ‘King’ of the Crystal Empire to arrive.
“Cadance! Shining! What a pleasant surprise” Anon said merrily as he walked in to greet his friends.
“It’s been a while Anon” Shining said, having a smile of relief grow across his face.
“Dude it’s been a week,” Anon pointed out.
“Yes but it feels like months,” Shining said, getting an elbow from his wife.
“So what brings you two to my humble abode? Celly didn’t send you to check if I’d burnt the place down yet has she?” Anon said jokingly.
Joining in each other’s nervous chuckles the royal couple looked at each other before going back to Anon.
“No, of course not. We just came to see how you were doing with the new… job” Cadance blatantly lied.
“Well, I’ll tell you this it’s no picnic, the whale dick got a horn having cunt who was here before me destroyed basically everything in the administrative infrastructure so I’ve basically been rebuilding the Empire from scratch”
“Wow, that sounds like a lot of responsibility for one stallion” Cadance said, feeling sorry for her friend’s burdens.
“Yeah but don’t worry, I played at least 200 hours of Victoria 3 before I got teleported here so I think I know what I’m doing” Anon said confidently.
“Victoria… what?” Cadance asked.
“They were all perfectly balanced campaigns” Anon stated.
“But enough about me how have you two been? Any news from Twilight?” Anon asked.
“We’ve been fine, better then fine actually, and Twily’s been good two as far as her letters say” Shining said, getting a little giddy as he spoke.
“Ooh, something happened, spill the beans” Anon said excitedly. His lust for drama starting to take hold.
“Anon, we’re having a foal” Cadance said, a smile spread across her face.
“Aw, congrats to you two” Anon congratulated.
“Thanks Anon, at least some good news has happened this week” Cadance said, half whispering the second part.
“You’re not still mad about not being queen of the glass horses are you?” Anon asked, his bat-like ears having picked up her muttering.
“Oh no it’s not that, actually from what you’ve described I’m relieved. But… things aren’t going too well back in Canterlot” Cadance admitted.
“It’s my fault isn’t it” Anon stated, knowing clearly where this was going.
“Of course it isn’t” Cadance denied.
“Really? I basically stole a fifth of your national budget, set up my own kingdom all but cutting you off from your main ally on the continent and openly humiliated Celestia and Luna because it all happened under their watch. Which reminds me I need to get a I’m sorry cake for them” Anon stated.
“Frankly I’m disappointed that civil unrest isn’t a direct result of my actions, that’s how it usually goes” he added.
“Well… some of that applies, but you didn’t mean any of it so I wouldn’t worry too much” Cadance said.
“I meant to steal that money,” Anon said.
“Do you want to know what’s happening or not?” Shining asked impatiently.
“Ok”
“Well, Luna’s been grounded after Aunt Celestia found out she gave away all the nation’s wealth to a foal then sent a ‘death squad’ after said foal”
“Heh”
“And the nobles have been acting up due to the bit suddenly losing value. It’s almost like our supply has tripled”
“Classic case of inflation, happens all the time”
“But that’s not too much to worry about. I’m sure we can secure another loan from Saddle Arabia. They’ve always been there to sure up our finances in the past”
“Ok I’m sorry wot?” Anon asked, his lying survival mode snapping off once he heard the last part.
“Oh, Saddle Arabia’s been giving Aunt Celestia loans for centuries, as long as she pays them back they’re happy to keep lending” Cadance explained.
“Oh, oh that’s good, for a moment I was worried that Equestria was in crippling debt because Tia doesn’t understand modern economics or something” Anon chuckled.
“So how much does Sun-Buns owe them anyways?” Anon asked.
Scratching her chin Cadance tried to remember the amount “last I checked it was around five hundred bits” she said.
“Oh good, that's not so bad,” Anon said.
“Per citizens” Cadance finished.
“What the heeeeeeeell? How do you stack up so much debt!?” Anon said, truly perplexed by the issue.
“Do you know how much it costs to rebuild after every monster/villain attack?” Shining asked.
“Oh that makes sense now”
“Anyhow, who’s up for some lunch? I feel like I haven’t eaten all day” Anon invited.
Moving to the dining hall the three ponies enjoyed a light salad.
“So Anon, any major plans for your new Empire?” Shining asked.
“Eh, I've got a few things. First and foremost I need to get everyone-“ Anon began.
“Everypony” Cadance corrected.
“I will send you to Jesus” Anon responded.
“Sorry” she apologised.
“Now where was I? Oh yeah, getting everyone back to work, hopefully they can at least try to go back to their pre-Sombra lives, adults going back to their jobs and children going back to school. After that modernising will be the main focus, opening up trade and building railroads so we can actually move the fuck off huge crystal hoard Sombra made. Last thing I want is some dickhead dragon showing up because of shinies” Anon explained.
“That’s.. surprisingly reasonable, I’m proud of you Anon” Cadance said.
“Then we can make taxes illegal,” Anon added.
“And there it is” Cadance sighed.
“Anon you need to collect taxes otherwise how else will you be able to pay for anything? Like roads, schools, the guard?” Shining asked.
“Simple, first things first as the sovereign I own all resources within my empire’s borders. That means my huge fuck off mines are all mine. I know how to run a business so I’ll run the mines like a business. Secondly do you REALLY think rich assholes WON’T move here once they realise they don’t have to pay taxes here? Heck it wouldn’t surprise me if this place was full of dragons and griffins by the end of the year and thirdly I intend on making this place the tourist trap of the north. Eat your heart out Las Pegasus!” Anon explained.
“Anon, even if that all goes to plan… why would you go through so much effort just so nopony has to pay taxes?” Shining asked.
“My ambitions are many multiverses ahead of what any being in this world can comprehend. But to simplify it I hate taxes, making others pay them is hypocritical. I want my subjects to be able to do almost anything I can. If they want to blow off some steam by having a mug of cider in the morning they can, if they want to accidently bring down the largest crime family in Las Pegasus while trying to find out where you go for room service they can, if they want to go home after work every night, enjoy some quiet quality time with their family, put their foal and their step son to bed and then fuck their thicc milf marefriend then they can! For that’s what I did before this whole king thing and by god I will make that an option for them!”
Blinking for a moment, Cadance pushed her near empty plate away. Having suddenly lost her appetite.
“That’s… nice?” Shining said, making a mental vow to never hang around Cadance’s friends again.
Suddenly the doors to the hall opened, thankfully for the royal couple making Anon lose his train of thought.
“Your majesty, I hate to interrupt but the royal sisters of Equestria are requesting an audience” a guard explained.
“Oh sweet, Celly and Lulu are here, it’s a full reunion up in this bitch” Anon said, happily trotting to his throne room.
“Somepony is going to die aren’t they?” Shining asked.
“Eeyep” Cadance responded.
Following Anon to the throne room the couple saw Princess Celestia and Luna stood in front of the throne. It was a strange experience for them, seeing the Princesses stood where partitioning ponies would usually stand.
“So what can I do for you girls?” Anon asked, relaxing on his throne.
Luna looked more sheepish about the whole situation than her sister but Celestia appeared to be frankly worried.
“Anon, as one of my oldest friends I need you to be completely honest with me. Are you serious about this whole King idea?” Celestia asked.
“Oh yeah sure, I’ve already commissioned a bed with a steel frame so yeah I’m a king now” Anon confirmed the worst fears of the Equestrian government.
“Now that that’s settled you want to trade or something? We can go halfsies on railroad track bills” Anon followed up.
Quickly regaining her composure Celestia smiled “that’s agreeable, perhaps we can discuss negotiations over some tea?” Celestia suggested.
“Sure, warning all the tea here is technically a thousand years out of date” Anon joked drawing some light laughter from the royal.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine, it’s the company that makes tea delicious” Celestia said.
“Um, sir- King Anon? Before we undertake any negotiations. May we request a private moment of your time?” Luna asked.
“Sure thing Luna, hey Cadance can you show Celly to the dinning hall? I’m sure someone will get you tea from there” Anon said.
“Of course, this way Auntie” Cadance said, her and Shining dissapering along with Celestia.
Left along with Luna, Anon started to mentally regret not heiring more guards.
“So… whatcha need?” Anon asked casually.
“We… we must ask you a favour” Luna said hesitantly.
“It’s not about the money is it?” Anon asked.
Shanking her head Luna momentarily flashed a smile “no, if anything back in Canterlot has shown us anything it’s we may have TOO many bits” Luna explained.
“So you’re getting more stable currency from the Saddles eh?” Anon asked shocking the princess.
“Cadance?” Luna asked.
“Cadance” Anon confirmed.
Letting out a huff Luna continued with her request.
“As you may know the story of a thestral king in the north has spread towards many of your brethren throughout Equestria” Luna explained.
“No actually I’ve been held up in my room rewriting the entire legal system” Anon admitted.
“Well, many thestrals have shown intrest in moving north, seeing one of their own as a ruler giving them new… opportunities that currently don’t exist in Equestria” Luna said.
“Ah I see where this is going, do you want me to ask them to give you another shot to fix things between them and the other ponies?” Anon asked.
Luna lowered her head, shame starting to occupy her expression.
“No, we have tried, but our actions as Nightmare Moon have brought too much damage to our subjects. They may not be hunted as they were in the nights just after our exile. But Equestria has made it clear they are not ready to accept them. My request, is simple” Luna said.
“Anything Luna” Anon promised. Seeing in her expression and hearing in her voice how much this mattered to his friend.
“All ponies deserve a tribe. Others they can belong to. While we are not one of them, the ponies of the night have been ours and we theirs since our memory will permit. We cannot protect them from our mistakes. Perhaps one day they can trot side by side with their cousins but for now they need a new home to flourish”
Dropping down gracefully to one front leg Luna bowed before the bewildered Anon.
“Please Anon, we, I’m not asking for you to take all of them, just those who feel that Equestria is no longer their home” she requested.
Anon thought for a moment or two. But that was a mere formality. He made up his decision the moment Luna asked for help.
“I’ll find room for them Lulu, I promise” Anon said.
Rising from the floor Luna smiled genuinely “thank you Anon, we are in your debt” Luna thanked.
“Don’t sweat it, I’ve been planning on moving the diamond dogs under my employ up here anyways. Sell my old mine to Pinkie’s family. They scare me but they’re good ponies. So ponies moving in shouldn’t be too difficult to handle” Anon explained.
“Hey do you think the pegasi would be able to get rid of all the snow clouds up here?” He added.
Being taken aback by his question Luna thought for a second if she had misheard him.
“Excuse me Anon, what?” Luna asked.
“You know, get rid of the snow clouds so the snow might melt away. I’m up to pay but I’ve only got bits which are useless right now and crystals. I’m planning on expanding in the long run and unless some dragon had a big pile of Crystal Hearts I’m kinda limited space wise” Anon explained.
Thinking for a moment Luna had to admit his logic was sound.
Pegasus weather teams had altered the very environment across Equestria for a millenia and more. The land’s natural weather patterns are but a distant memory even to a being her age.
It was possible.
“It is… possible” Luna said.
That’s what I just said you bitch.
“But to attain such a feat it would take thousands of pegasi” she warned.
“Eh it’ll be a while before I try it so we can cross that bridge when we get to it” Anon shrugged, his carefree nature shining through the responsibilities of leadership.
“Hmm, perhaps the crown has melted away Anon’s worse elements leaving only his better elements. The Empire may be in better hooves then we thought” Luna thought to herself.
“Now let’s go, if we don’t hurry Celly will probably eat all the cake” Anon chuckled.
Following her friend Luna felt at ease. Knowing that it would be pace in their time.
Meanwhile at the entrance to the castle a pony stood waiting to be allowed in.
“Mr Vasiliy you can’t just walk in and talk to the King” the guard stated.
The cream coated and orange maned stallion narrowed his eyes slightly.
“Your ‘Empire’ borders Stalliongrad. It’s only natural I would want to seek a meeting with your leader” Vasiliy explained.
“You’ll have to return at another time, hopefully requesting an audience beforehoof next time” the guard stated.
Glaring at the guard for a moment Vasiliy turned around and began walking away. His mission foiled for now.
AN: I’m going to be borrowing a lot from Equestria at War for lore. Mostly because as far as I’m aware Hasbro never thought their target audience would grow to include people interested in the geopolitics of the world they created.
Strange thought kids loved that stuff.
Don’t worry, Nonners is gonna get an assistant of some form to free up time to head back down south every hour and then for non-political chaos.
Who fancies seeing them play a Fantasy Flight Star Wars game? Because I’ve got more than a few campaign ideas I’ll never get to use.
“You may be wondering why I invited you here. Well girls, the truth is. I’ve got no idea what I’m doing” Anon explained.
“Ya don’t say,” Applejack said in a monotone voice.
“AJ” Twilight said sternly.
“What? I’m just being honest” Applejack said.
“So darling, when did you realise this?” Rarity asked.
“Well” Anon said, shuffling about on his throne to get comfortable.
“It all started last week. I had made a council of locals to help stabilise the realm”
“Right”
“While in a meeting I showed them some blueprints for a huge casino I wanted to build so we could start bringing some tourism money in-“
“Hang on a minute!” Applejack interrupted.
“What?” Anon asked impatiently.
“Where are ya getting the money for a casino?” She asked.
“The massive fuck off pile of crystals, seriously I’ve met dragons who have smaller hordes now may I finish my story?” Anon explained.
Not getting any back talk, Anon continued.
“Everything was going well, I made a few modifications and asked them what they thought. All of them, much to my surprise, were in full agreement with me”
“I can see where this is going” Rainbow muttered.
“That’s when it all went wrong”
“How?” Pinkie asked.
“Well from the angle I was in the casino looked like a giant dick”
“Oh” the girls said in unison.
“That’s when I realised that all of my advisers were all yes-stallions and now I need your help to get this place back on track” Anon said finishing his story.
“Wait what do you expect us to do?” Rainbow asked.
“I don’t know usually you solve every problem you encounter in a 20-30 minute timeframe” Anon admitted.
Unable to fight his flawless logic the girls started looking at each other with confusion and doubt.
“Anon, maybe you should just step down and let somepony who knows what they’re doing?” Twilight suggested.
Letting out a sigh Anon shook his head “I can’t Twilight, I didn’t mean to become a king but now I’m here. These ponies rely on me and are looking to me to get them back to a peaceful time. I can’t abandon them” he said.
“Then why did you suggest they choose a ruler?” Fluttershy asked.
“I thought they were going to pick Cadance anyway. I just wanted to make sure she wouldn’t be assassinated by any citizens who thought she was taking power by force. If they ponies chose her it would dissuade any assassins” Anon explained.
Seeing Anon use sound logic told the girls could tell that this was serious.
“Ok girls, Anon needs our help putting the Empire back on track. Any ideas?” Twilight explained.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! I know how to help!” Pinkie said, enthusiastically waving her hoof in the air.
“Pinks, please tell me you can throw a party that can fix this country?” Anon asked with hope in his voice.
Giggling Pinkie shook her head “no silly-filly. The average pony in the Empire has a terrible case of malnourishment, paying for food to be imported so you can start getting their BMI up to a healthy level will go a long way to improving the overall health of the citizenry and help the economy by boosting their overall productivity” Pinkie explained.
The entire room looks at her, surprised looks spread across every face.
“Pinkie, you scare me” Anon stated.
“I know,” Pinkie said happily.
“I have noticed quite a few ponies setting up businesses. Not to sound prideful but I do have quite a bit of experience in that arena. I can give them some advice” Rarity said.
“I’ve had to balance the farm’s budget for years. If you want I can take a look at what ya got in the vaults. At least then we’ll see what y’all can pay for” Applejack said.
“They could use some positive reinforcements, they’ve all been through so much” Fluttershy suggested.
“And their education system is way behind the rest of Equus, I know a few ponies in Canterlot who would be more than happy to set up an entirely new education system. Until then I’m happy to make a start” Twilight said.
“Yeah, this place could use some entertainment. It’s a real bummer. I’ll lighten the place up with a few air shows” Rainbow said confidently.
While the girls were talking, Anon sat there with about as much use as a carrot in a butcher’s shop. Not that anyone other than him would get that saying.
“Um, girls? I'm all for the help but what am I supposed to do?” Anon asked.
“You’re the king, do king things” Rainbow said.
Considering the girls had basically usurped jobs he should be doing Anon tried thinking of what was left to do.
“Well I should probably get to work setting up more agreements with other nations. Too bad Celly’s gone back to Canterlot” Anon said.
“Don’t worry Nonny! You can ride the Pinkie Express!” Pinkie said, turning around and pointing her flank towards him.
“Pinkie, you do realise that showing me your ass and saying ‘ride the Pinkie Express’ can be mistaken for something very different from what you meant” Anon stated.
“Nothing like that, silly. Just climb on my back,” Pinkie said.
“You’re serious? Pinkie you can’t carry me all the way to Canterlo-“ Anon tried to explain before Pinkie’s tail wrapped around his face.
“Shhhhhhhhhhhhut the buck up. You know the third rule of Pinkie” Pinkie said.
“Don’t question Pinkie’s logic” the girls said in unison.
Being grabbed by the same tail Anon was lifted off his feet.
“Hold onto your cutie-mark!” Pinkie said, Anon trying to wrestle himself free.
In a flash of pink light and a blazed trail of fire behind her Pinkie raced south. Reaching Canterlot within thirteen seconds.
“Now arriving at Canterlot station, choo choo!” Pinkie giggled.
Putting Anon down Pinkie tilted her head at the sight of Anon violently vomiting over Celestia's rug.
“Hello Anon, Pinkie Pie” Celestia greeted calmly, having lost any shock or surprise at Pinkie’s capabilities.
“Hi Princess! Nonny wants to talk to you” Pinkie smiled.
“Blegh!” Anon gagged as yet another round of vomit was spat up.
“Hey Celly,” he said weakly.
“Welcome to Canterlot King Anon” Inkwell greeted, covering her muzzle to block out the smell.
“May I ask what brings you here?” Celestia asked.
“Need more food, subjects are skinny, casino looks like dick” Anon managed to sputter out as he tried to avoid falling face first into his own vomit pool while the castle staff were trying to clean it.
Smiling, Celestia stood up from her throne and closed the distance between her and her fellow monarch.
“You need foreign assistance, you shall have it,” she said.
“Eh? Just like that?” Anon asked, wondering where the catch was.
“Anon, Equestria is a nation founded on the principles of friendship among all races. We already give out aid to several nation states in Zebrica and Griffonia, the Crystal Empire will get all the help we can give” Celestia explained.
“Huh, that was easy,” Anon stated.
“Indeed it was,” Celestia giggled.
“Anyways… I’ll give you six hundred bits for Luna, final offer” Anon offered.
While having no desire to sell her sister Celestia enjoyed her little games with Anon. This was no exception.
“Seven hundred bits” she haggled.
“Princess Celestia!” Inkwell protested.
“Six fifty” Anon offered.
“Six ninety and a kiss” Celestia joked.
“Deal, Pinkie give the Princess a smooch” Anon said.
“Okie dokie!” Pinkie said.
Before Celestia could react, Pinkie planted her lips on Celestia’s. A loud wet smooching noise came from their mouths before Pinkie pulled away.
“Wowie zowie Princess, you’re a great kisser” Pinkie complemented as she wiped her mouth clean with her foreleg.
Standing dumbfounded for a moment Celestia cleared her throat.
“Um, thank you Pinkie” she said with slight discomfort.
“So do you want the bits now or do I get a tab?” Anon asked.
“Anon, I’m not selling Luna to you” Celestia admitted “I just find your silliness fun” she admitted.
“But I do want to know, why do you want to buy my sister?” She asked.
“I’ve had an epiphany, it’s bad for everyone when I’m left to my own devices” Anon admitted.
“Well I didn’t want to say it, but” Celestia said slyly.
“Ha ha ha” Anon said sarcastically.
“But while I can’t sell you Luna, I may have a solution to your problem,” Celestia explained.
“What if I send Cadance and Shining Armour as ambassadors to the Empire. While representing Equestria they can keep an eye on you while they’re there” she suggested.
“That’s a good idea,” Anon admitted.
“Very good, I will talk to them later, for now I have other matters to attend to” Celestia said bowing slightly “good luck King Anon, have a pleasant evening” she added.
“Yay! Diplomacy for the win! Oh, now Cream Heart needs to see you. Choo choo!” Pinkie said before grabbing Anon.
“Pinkie wait!” Anon protested.
Barely able to survive the first trip, Anon fainted from the second.
“Anon, wake up sweetie” a soothing voice said.
“Mmh” Anon groaned.
Slowly opening his eyes Anon saw Cream Heart sat next to him.
“Cream?” Anon asked “what happened?” He added.
“Pinkie brought you back, don’t worry she explained everything” she explained.
Looking around Anon found himself back at Cream Heart’s house.
“Wait, where are the kids? He asked.
“Button and Albus are both asleep, you were out for a while. And this little filly is still here” she explained, pointing to her swollen stomach.
Getting to his feet Anon stretched out, having gotten stiff during his sleep.
“Oh good, so how have things be-“ Anon began.
“Whack!” Cream Heart’s front hoof smacked against Anon’s cheek. Leaving a hoof mark on it.
“I deserved that,” Anon groaned.
“Where have you been! You just dropped off the face of Equestria! You could have gotten hurt! Worse you could have died! You don’t know how worried I was!” Cream yelled, her eyes filling with tears with each passing word.
“Cream” Anon started.
“To top it all off you went off to fight a monster alone and then somehow got yourself made king? Why? Why wasn’t I surprised at any of it?” Cream Heart sobbed.
Slowly Anon unfolded his wings, gently bringing his mare friend into a hug.
“I’m sorry, I’m not used to thinking about how my actions affect others. But I am trying to change” Anon apologised.
Leaning into the hug, Cream rested her head on his shoulder.
“Don’t, you drive me crazy, but I wouldn’t change a thing about you, you psychopath” Cream stated.
“So what’s going to happen now?” She asked.
“I don’t know, I can’t abandon them, but I can’t expect you and Button to uproot your whole lives just to accommodate my quite literal empire scale fuck up” Anon said.
“We can come and visit, there are ways to get there and back quickly” she pointed out.
“Of all the times being turned into a unicorn would have been more practical, damn it Twilight” Anon half joked.
Squeezing a giggle out of Cream, Anon relaxed slightly.
“We’ll make it work, just promise me one thing” Cream asked.
“Anything,” Anon said.
“Next time you disappear to cause chaos, tell me first” she said.
Chuckling slightly Anon nodded his head “I promise hun” he said.
“So, what’s it like? The Empire I mean?” She asked.
“Huge, bigger than Canterlot or Manehatten and just as crowded. But it is beautiful, the light from the crystal heart makes the city shine like one large gem in the frozen wastes surrounding it” Anon described.
“It sounds lovely, I’ll have to visit soon, assuming you don’t feel emasculated by your marefriend visiting you at work” Cream Heart said, teasing him slightly.
Rolling his eyes Anon let out a sigh “I wouldn’t recommend it” he said.
“Why?” Cream asked, an eyebrow raised.
“I’m going to have to implement an income tax” Anon explained, his voice filled with pain and regret.
Cream didn’t know why Anon hated taxes so much.
Well, no one in Equestria knew to be fair, just the chaotic green bean himself.
But no one had asked him, in his own defence.
“Ok Anon I’m putting my hoof down, why do you hate taxes?” Cream asked.
“It’s… complicated,” he explained.
Seeing her raised eyebrow Anon could tell that he wasn’t getting out of this.
“Ok fine, back home my country was trillions in debt while the government continued to waste billions on programs that didn’t work half the time and legions of bureaucrats who just made doing anything a pain in the ass with ten layers of red tape. What was worse was that it was people’s tax money paying for all of it. So I guess it’s a knee jerk reaction”
“I see,” Cream responded.
“But now I’m the one leading the government. I kind of see why taxes exist now, roads and schools and shit are somewhat important,” Anon admitted, refusing to acknowledge his character growth.
Planting a kiss on his cheek, Cream Heart turned around and began to head upstairs. Reaching the fourth step she looked back, batting her eyelids at Anon “well? Are you going to join me, my hunky king of the night?” She asked in a sultry tone.
With every neuron activated within his brain, Anon followed after her.
Reaching the top of the stairs Anon stopped. There was a puzzle of the continent framed on the side of the wall, he’d glanced at it before but it caught his attention this time.
Right next to the big empty space where his empire now sat was a smaller region with clear borders drawn separating it from Equestria.
“Uh, Cream, sweetie? What’s a Stalliongrad?” Anon asked.
Looking confused at him, Cream Heart walked back to the stairs, looking at the puzzle then back to Anon.
“Really? I thought you would have heard about it by now, you’re practically neighbours” she said.
“This is the first time I’m hearing the name, but it sounds worryingly familiar,” Anon explained.
“Well, it’s a region in north Equestria that seceded after the Princess failed to solve a famine in the region. Now it’s an independent state under something called ‘socialism?’ I don’t know much about it but it sounds… Anon?” Cream Heart tried to explain.
Little did Cream know that while his hatred of taxes had been suppressed, his greater hatred remained intact.
One bred into his very genes by three generations of Cold War fear and propaganda. One that has almost destroyed the world a dozen times over and sent a man to the moon.
“Commies!” Anon roared with enough power to shake the town, the background of his roar sounding like the scream of a bald eagle.
To the west of the Empire, in a small town a unicorn sneezed. In response another pony with an equal symbol handed her a tissue.
AN: Pinkie scares me.
I know.
What are you in my fridge!?
As a response to the comments, yeah Nonners is quite possibly the third worst creature to rule the Empire in all of Equestria with Sombra and Chrissy being first and second respectively.
“So Mrs Armour” Anon said, sitting opposite Cadance he held a few blank pieces of paper in front of him.
“Actually Anon it’s still Amor” Cadance corrected.
“Sorry, Mrs Amor, what makes you think you’re qualified for this position?” Anon asked, getting a confused blink from Cadance.
“What? Anon I’m confused, didn't you ask me to move in after Aunt Celestia wouldn’t let you buy Aunt Luna?” Cadance asked.
Putting the blank sheets of paper down Anon’s face dropped into a frown.
“Listen Cadance I’m just trying to do things the proper way ok? Just letting you know what you’re getting into, being a professional vibe killer is a hard commitment” he explained.
“I thought I was an ambassador” Cadance said.
“And you’re doing a great job, oh and thanks for bringing enough food to feed my population, appreciate it. Those underground farms I’ve been planning are still on the drawing board” Anon said.
“But you also need to fill the role of state vibe killer, because let’s face it I’m an American and there are communists on the border,” Anon explained.
Turning to look out the window facing towards Stalliongrad, Anon had a serious glare about him.
“Who knows what those bastard sons of a whore’s mother are planning” he said. The red scare burning within him.
While she knew about Stalliongrad, Cadance didn’t seem to understand the logic behind Anon’s paranoia towards them.
“What makes you think they’re planning anything?” Cadance asked.
She would soon regret asking that.
“You weren’t there Cadance, you didn’t see what those animals are capable of” Anon almost snapped at the mare.
“Oh at first they say they just want better pay for their work, but once you give them an inch they’ll demand a mile! Before you know it they’ll expect free healthcare, free college and laws designed to punish the rich despite the fact that’s their only idea of how to pay for all that shit!”
Leaning over the table, Anon's enraged face was mere inches from Cadance. The hate in his eyes began to scare the Princess of Love.
“But that’s not even the worst part, once they’re in power, they’ll start spreading more of their bullshit ‘equality’ by making shit up! Oh they say that ‘maple syrup is cultural appropriation’ but we all know they’re really up to. I told them, I told them! It was only a matter of time before the LIBERALS came for our pancakes!”
Listening to Anon’s rant, Cadance began to see why Celestia was worried about Anon being left alone up here with power over millions.
“The Swedish government doesn’t care about your kids Helga they just want you and your husband to both have jobs instead of raising your kids!
Anon was no longer looking at Cadance. He was just ranting to anything that fell in his line of sight. Servants, furniture, his own reflection.
“Central planning is just as harmful as letting corporations do whatever they want! Bureaucrats can’t predict the change of supply and demand, why do you think Venezla is a shithole!?” He yelled at a potted plant.
Dark thoughts began to creep into Cadance’s mind.
This stallion she called a friend wasn’t just eccentric, he was completely insane. He couldn’t be trusted taking care of all those ponies. Anon isn’t capable of running a country.
But maybe… she was?
“Tesla promised cheap electric cars by this year. I put a deposit down. Where’s my goddamn electric car Elon!?” Anon yelled at a bird on the windowsill.
She was practically raised by Celestia, the being who had successfully seen a thousand year peace over a land much larger than this. If anypony was right for the job it was Cadance. Not some being from another universe who got turned into a pony.
“I don’t care if their stock portfolio is worth more than a hospital, inheritance tax is bullshit! Ponies should be allowed to pass on the wealth they worked for to their children! Less than 20% of the 1% inherit all of their wealth anyways!” Anon lectured the palace chef while he was bringing in pancakes, noticeably without any maple syrup. Not that he cared due to cowering before his enraged monarch.
“Oh that’s by the way, you’re a valued member of society” Anon thanked the stallion.
The more she thought about it the more it made sense. Anon was a sweet stallion but he was an unignorable threat to the delicate peace Celestia had maintained for generations.
Celestia wasn’t just Cadance’s Aunt she was his friend. If Anon brought down everything she worked for by accident he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself.
Giving him… encouragement, to step down was the right thing.
“Starfleet shouldn’t have to fill out a military role! Kirk just wanted to study quasars and fuck alien chicks! He shouldn’t have had to deal with Romulans and Klingons every ten god damn minutes!” Anon said to his own reflection.
“Sorry you had to hear that, I just get… touchy when these things get brought up” Anon apologised.
Seeing his face return to its normal happy expression, Cadance’s mind began to clear.
What was she thinking!? Anon truly seemed to care about this country. She couldn’t take it from him just because he MAY do something to destroy everything.
She had to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe even turn this into a positive situation.
“Anon, have you ever spoken to any socialists?” Cadance asked. Thinking his answer could be the checkmate she was looking for.
“I went to a university Cadance, there were nothing but socialists surrounding me for four years” Anon explained.
Ok never mind.
“Wait YOU went to college?” Cadance asked, surprised by his answer.
“Yeah, why?” Anon asked.
“Nothing, it's just… what did you even study?” She asked.
“I have a Bachelor degree in Business and a Doctorate in Law” Anon explained.
Gobsmacked was an understatement when it came to Cadance’s expression.
“A-Anon, that's amazing! You must have studied unfathomably hard to earn those” Cadance praised, her faith in the Empire’s future restored.
“Nah, I just hired prostitutes to sleep with my professors then blackmailed them to get good grades. Life at Alabama State University for old Nonners was nothing but parties and alligator petting zoos” Anon corrected.
As quickly as it came Cadance’s sense of security left her.
“Now enough about the past, it’s time to look to the future!” Anon said with enthusiasm.
Following the King to his throne room Cadance saw a line of Crystal Ponies waiting to meet with their monarch.
“Ok who’s first?” Anon asked casually.
A couple with a small foal were the first to step forward.
“Your highness, our foal’s caught the flu. We don’t have the money to pay for medicine and were hoping you were in a generous mood” the mare explained.
“Hmm, sure, Crystal makes sure these two get medicine for their ill foal, and make sure that families who can’t afford medicine get some from the foreign aid from Equestria” Anon said looking at his secretary.
“At once your majesty” Crystal needed.
Bowing, the couple stepped away.
After them came an earth pony. Clearly from the south due to his lack of crystal like fur.
“Your highness,” he said before bowing.
“Actually it’s your majesty,” Anon corrected.
“Uh, excuse me?” The earth pony asked. Confused about what he did wrong.
“You call a prince or princess your highness. You call a king your majesty” Anon explained.
“Ah, apologies your majesty, my name is Extremely Rich. I’ve came here to request permission to open several factories in your realm” he explained.
“Really?” Anon asked curiously.
“Yes, I believe with your natural resources and my company’s expertise we can harness the natural crystal deposits under your city to produce luxury goods for export back to Equestria, knitting a tidy profit for all involved” Extremely explained.
Pondering for a second Anon nodded his head “alright, you can set up shop in what’s left of the industrial district” Anon said.
Smiling, Extremely started to turn away before being halted.
“But” Anon said, making Extremely stop in his tracks.
“If I find out you’re just using my subjects as cheap labour or you’ve been dodging taxes I’ll come after you and crush your skull like an egg” Anon threatened.
Swallowing his breath, Extremely nodded before leaving at an almost running pace.
“Since when did you start caring about taxes?” Cadance whispered.
“Since I had twelve million ponies to look after” Anon whispered back.
Next was a thestral, a recently gained minority group to the Empire.
“Anon this is your first time talking to another thestral, be as dignified as you can but don’t sound like a snob” Anon thought to himself.
The thestral bowed, closing his eyes momentarily as he did.
“Your majesty,” he said.
Watching Anon inhale a deep breath Cadance could tell what Anon was planning. Before she could jump him to stop his action he exhaled.
“Wasssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!” Anon yelled, stretching out the U as long as he could.
The room went silent for a moment. The only sound being that of Crystal and Cadance face-hoofing themselves.
“Um… yes. My name is Night Howl, the thestral population of your city have asked me to come here as their representative. I know we’ve just arrived and it seems rude to ask this, but we’re requesting the right to settle in the caverns under the city. They’re… closer to our natural habitat than the city itself” Night Howl explained.
“Oh sure, there should be some mined out areas you can move into. Just don’t set up a nursery in an active mining area. I don't have the PR team to spin that story any way other than terribly” Anon agreed.
“Thank you, your majesty,” Night Howl said as he bowed.
The day dragged on like that for a few hours before the line finally ended.
“Phew, I’m starting to see why bureaucrats exist” Anon groaned, physically drained from the day’s activities.
“So how was your first day Cadance?” He asked.
“It was enlightening,” she said.
Raising an eyebrow, Anon became curious.
“Really? How so?” He asked.
“Well, Anon you’re my friend and I’d never say anything to hurt you unless it was true. I thought you’d do something that would bring the entire Empire crashing down” Cadance admitted.
“But?” Anon asked, waiting patiently for the but. Much like he did on date nights.
“But you’ve proven me wrong, for now. You really do seem to care about your subjects” Cadance said.
“Yeah, it’s a weird feeling. Having another sentient lifeform depending on you for guidance and security. It’s a little like they’re my kids. Metaphorically not literally like with Sombra” Anon explained.
“I’m sorry, what was that last bit?” Cadance asked, being put off by that last comment.
“Didn’t you notice? Like a quarter of the unicorn foals have grey fur. It’s pretty sus if you ask me” Anon pointed out.
Now that he mentioned it Cadance had seen a foal or two who resembled the previous king. A disturbing thought, even with him gone Sombra’s legacy is secure.
“Oh that reminds me we should probably build an orphanage,” Anon said.
“Wait, why?” Cadance asked, confused how that fit into the situation.
“Well without the fear of Sombra hanging over their heads combined with most stallions probably not wanting the memory of them getting cucked sitting next to them on the dinner table” Anon explained.
The concept of ponies abandoning their foals was unfathomably rare in Equestria. Just the idea was upsetting for Cadance.
“You don’t really think mares would be willing to abandon their foals just like that do you?” Cadance asked, hoping an answer of no would put her thoughts at ease.
“I hope not, I’m still trying to figure out how to balance my own work/parenthood life with just one foal I don’t need to raise everybody else’s kids as well” Anon said.
That didn’t help Cadance’s mind settle.
“But it’s just a precaution, for now we’ll be busy normalising a budget, setting up a police and military force along with getting the schools up and running so said foals don’t end up being dumb” Anon went on.
“Well Twilight said she was sending up some academics from Canterlot, and Shiny can manage the guard” Cadance said, putting her opinions on the table.
“Yeah he can-“ Anon began before stopping. Stood perfectly still Anon let Cadance overtake him by a few hoof steps before she stopped to look back at him.
“Anon? Are you ok?” Cadance asked.
“Shining, running my military” Anon deadpanned.
“Yes, he ran the Royal Guard for years before we move up here, you couldn’t be safer with them aro-“ Cadance began to explain.
“BFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HO!HO!HO! HAHAHAHAHAHHA! THE ROYAL GUARD? ME SAFE? THAT’S A GOOD ONE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Anon howled with laughter. Falling on to his side as he clasped his stomach “HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ha ha ha… I'm sorry , I think I may have peed a little” Anon said as he gasped for breath.
Looking up at Cadance, Anon was met by a blushing and frowning mare.
“Oh, you were serious. Here let me laugh louder. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Anon began laughing even harder.
AN: nothing against Shiny but the guard suck at their job
Taking in the scenery of the Crystal City, Cream Heart marvelled at its beauty.
She’d come up north to visit Anon for the weekend; they were still trying to figure out how to make commuting from Ponyville to the Empire and back easier.
“Good morning Cream Heart” Cadance said as she walked through the hallway.
“Good morning your highness” Cream Heart said, bowing respectfully. As if she hadn’t seen a very accurate recreation of the Princess’s flank.
“Please just call me Cadance” Cadance said, smiling at the smaller mare.
Beginning to walk together the two mares talked with each other.
“So, how’s your son adapting to all of this?” Cadance asked.
“Oh Button is doing fine, he’s just picked out a room for himself and has been on his games since we got here” Cream explained.
Surprised, Cadance raised her brow “is he going to be playing games the whole time he’s here?” She asked. Being ignorant of the sheer gamer will of Button Mash.
“I’m afraid so, once that boy gets his hooves on a game it’s a Celestia level feat to pry him off it” Cream sighed.
“Sounds like raising a foal is a lot more work than just foal-sitting one, at least with the latter their parents come back to raise them later” Cadance said.
Noticing Cadance’s belly beginning to swell, Cream smiled “it is hard, but it’s the most rewarding experience you could ask for '' Cream explained.
With her mind put at ease Candance moved onto a more pressing matter.
“Cream, you know more about stallions than I, perhaps you could help me solve a little… issue. It’s about Shining” Cadance requested. Her voice sounded a little uncomfortable with asking Cream about this.
“Oh I think I can tell what’s wrong” Cream said, jumping to conclusions.
“Really? Is it that obvious?” Cadance asked, surprised by the insight of the older mare.
“Don’t worry it happens to every stallion at some point in their lives” Cream reassured the princess.
“Well, how do I fix it?” Cadance assess
“Well, with Anon, I find that when he gets like that the best thing to do is use your tongue and lick his balls gently until it starts getting hard again, you might have to go a step further and try the same thing with his anu-“ Cream began before being interrupted by a now flustered Cadance.
“That wasn’t what I meant!” She squeaked out.
Cream Heart tilted her head, “it wasn’t? So you and Shining don’t have problems with…” Cream asked.
“No! Well sometimes but that’s not what I mean!” Cadance said.
“I was walking by and I heard Shining and Anon fighting over something. I don’t understand what it was but it was getting pretty heated, I was asking for advice” Cadance explained.
“Oh… well I’ll have to see this for myself. But I’m guessing it has something to do with their masculinity, stallions always act unreasonable when they think their masculinity is being challenged” Cream explained.
Following Cadance to a large pair of doors Cream could hear yelling from the other side.
“I’m not going to take that insult! The stallions under my command are the best guards in Equestria!” Shining yelled.
“The best!? Since singing is the second language of this planet of weirdos I’ll put it in your language” Anon said, some hip hop music coming from the background.
“Death would eat you up without your baby sis and luck, because your guard’s skills Wingardium LevioSUCK!” Anon rapped.
Opening the doors the two mares watched their respective partners glaring each other down.
Looking to one another before looking back to the two stallions, Cadance and Cream Heart shared a confused look.
“What are you boys arguing about?” Cream Heart asked.
“I offered to help organise the armed forces then this yak breath laughed in my face!” Shining explained.
“Dude you’d make an awesome cop don’t get me wrong but I’m not letting a single member of Sun-Bun’s guard in any position of my army!” Anon stated.
“Oh don’t act like you know the first thing about running a military,” Shining argued.
“I know enough not to trust it in the hooves of someone who’s never been to war before. You know, war, the thing armies are for” Anon pointed out.
“One, you’ve never been to war either and two, please tell me you aren’t going to use this ‘army’ to start picking fights” Shining said.
“One, no that’s why I’m planning to hire some griffons to do it and two defensive wars work as well. Unless they have something I really want” Anon answered.
“Griffons? Anon they’ve been at each other’s throats for decades” Cadance said.
“Exactly! Who better to train up a military than a bunch of professional soldiers?” Anon pointed out.
“Anon do you really think that’s a good idea? Griffons aren’t known as the friendliest of creatures” Cream Heart warned.
“Yes but they’re greedy, therefore they won’t be trying anything funny while they’re being paid well and they’re outnumbered a million to one” Anon explained.
It was relatively sound logic when you stopped to think about it.
“So that’s sorted, Spit-Shine you run the police force and I’ll get a griffon or two to train up a volunteer army and all's right with the world” Anon said happily.
“Anon you should still apologise to Shining” Cream Heart stated.
“I’ll do it when he apologises for using yak breath as an insult. Some of my closest non-equine friends are yaks” Anon stated.
Gaining a stern look, Cream Heart started thinking how hard she had to smack Anon for him to see reason.
Then another thought crept into her head. Like that her stern look was replaced with a sly smile.
“Ok Anon, you don’t have to apologise, but. Until you do, this foal will be the closest you get to being inside me” Cream stated, pointing to her stomach for empathise.
“And as for you Prince Shining, that goes for you as well, isn’t that right Cadance?” She adds turning to the other royal couple.
“It does?” Shining asked.
“It does?” Cadance parroted.
Giving the other mare a wink Cream turned to leave.
The gears in Cadance’s head didn’t take long to catch up.
“Yes, yes it does. Now we’ll leave you colts to make up” Cadance said commandingly before following Cream Heart out.
“That’s another tip, few arguments can’t be solved by talking them out like adults. Until they start thinking with what’s between their legs. Then don’t feel bad about using the bedroom as a weapon” Cream Heart whispered to Cadance.
Being left alone, Shining and Anon looked at each other in confusion.
“Did- did our wives just use sex to strong arm us into getting along?” Shining asked.
“I think so. Is it weird I think Cream’s hotter now?” Anon asked.
Standing in silence for a moment Shining shook her head “no I’ve got the same feeling with Cadance” He responded.
Scratching their heads, the two stallions didn’t talk for a while.
“Listen, I’m sorry I said your guard was shit, and for laughing at you when you suggested basing the army off of it” Anon apologised.
“Yeah, I’m sorry I pushed back so hard. Your breath doesn't smell like a yak” Shining apologised.
“So… you wanna go to a bar?” Anon asked.
“… yeah,” Shining agreed.
Leaving the two stallions to cool down for an hour, Cream and Cadance returned.
“Alright boys, have you made up?” Cream asked as she opened the doors.
Blinking she looked around, neither Anon or Shining were anywhere to be seen.
“Boys? Boy!?” Cream called out.
“I know where they’ve gone” Cadance said holding a note from the table.
Gone the pub,
Be back soon,
Love you,
Anonxxx
“Well, at least they’re friends now” Cadance said trying to see the positive.
In the lower half of the city, there is a small tavern with a sign saying “The Crystal Glass” hanging over it.
Inside there were mostly crystal ponies of various kinds with one or two diamond dogs and a thestral gathered after a long day's work.
In a booth at the back Anon and Shining sat with their drinks.
Anon sat with a pitcher of cider while Shining had a glass of red wine, the bottle next to him.
“You know you could have asked for a glass right?” Shining asked.
“But that defeats the point of asking for a pitcher of cider, plus I wasn’t going to argue further after I made him accept money for it” Anon responded, taking a large slurp of his drink.
Rolling his eyes, Shining watched the other clientele go about their business.
There were a few staring at them, but they quickly turned away one their eyes and Shining’s met.
“So” Anon said, bombing as he tried to start a conversation.
“So?” Shining parroted.
“Tell me how you became captain of the guard?” Anon asked.
“Well, I was the most competent guard when our last captain retired so he picked me as his replacement” Shining explained.
“Not much else to it” he added.
“I must have pulled a lot of overtime to earn that eh?” Anon asked.
“Yep” Shining said, his tone darkening for a moment.
Noticing the shift in tone Anon took another mouthful of his drink “what’s with the moody yep?” He asked.
“Nothing” Shining responded flatly.
Seeing this resistance Anon had two options.
One, respect his privacy and don’t push it further.
Or two, assert his authority as a king by pushing him anyways.
Safe to say he chose option two.
“Shining” Anon stated, making the stallion look him in the eyes.
“I didn’t drag you and your wife up here to foal sit me. I just want to make that clear. I dragged you up here because everyone here is terrified I’m going to turn into another Sombra first chance I get. As long as that’s the case there’s no one to stop me doing whatever I want. And as the old saying goes, absolute power corrupts absolutely. So until a time comes when they aren’t scared of me we’re going to have to get along. So tell me what’s wrong or I’ll wait until you and Candance are asleep then develop a foreign policy by myself” Anon said, making the latter half of his monologue a clear threat.
Relenting to the continued annoying Anon brought down upon him, Shining sighed.
“Nobels think they’re quieter than they are. Some think I only got my position because Twily is Celestia’s student and others because Cadance and I started dating a few weeks after my promotion” Shining explained.
“And you’re scared they’re right?” Anon asked.
“No, the Princess doesn’t have anything to do with picking the guard’s Captain. She thinks it would show bias if she did pick who she wanted, and Cadance didn’t ask me out until nearly a month after my promotion” Shining corrected.
“Then what’s the problem? You know they're wrong and so does the rest of the town. I just see some envious nobles” Anon said.
“Because half the capital thinks the same! After the Changeling invasion they- gah how could I have not noticed it?” Shining explained. Holding his head in his hooves.
“Hey, we all got fooled, heck I didn’t suspect anything until after the bug bitch had already drained my balls” Anon said.
“Really? Nothing alarmed you until after you thought you slept with my fienceé?” Shining deadpanned.
“Well, she was unnaturally aggressive for Cadance. Honestly until she crammed my dick in her I thought she was planning to peg me. Thank god I was wrong” Anon chuckled.
“Peg, you?” Shining asked, confused at Anon’s term.
“Oh it’s short for pegging, it’s a sex thing don’t worry about it. Not a lot of people are into it. Not sure about you equines but I’ve never heard the term used here” Anon explained.
Sitting in silence for a couple minutes, both stallions got their drinks refilled before talking again.
“So how are the kids?” Shining asked.
“Good, Button is probably still on his games and Albus was on my back for most of the day. It’s a weird feeling you know, being a dad” Anon said.
“Why? Didn’t you want foals?” Shining asked.
“No that’s not it, I wanted to have kids ever since I was back home. But when I first got here I kinda gave up on it. I was the only human in a world of mini-horses it just didn’t look like it was in the cards. Then Twilight turned me into a thestral, then there was the Cake scare, then I met Cream. First I had no kids now I’ve got two and a step-son. It’s strange, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Even my hands” Anon explained.
Shining smiled, seeing this side of Anon shifted his opinion of the thestral.
“You know Anon, I was wrong about you” Shining admitted.
“In what way?” Anon asked.
“I thought I didn’t like you, that you were a loud, annoying jerk who thought everypony else’s life was a joke. But I was wrong” Shining explained.
“Well it’s understandable, first time we met I was nuts deep in your wife’s imposter” Anon said.
Snorting, Shining laughed harder than Anon had seen anyone else laugh.
“Oh man you can’t believe how angry I was with you! I was legit ready to kill you there and then!” He laughed.
Chuckling nervously Anon realised how close he came to death that day.
“Y-yeah, but that’s all in the past. Now let’s bond the way real stallions do, by pouring unsafe quantities of alcohol into out bodies!” Anon said raising his pitcher.
“That’s the first thing you’ve said since I met you that isn’t completly insane!” Shining said, continuing to laugh as he knocked his glass against Anon’s.
That night a friendship was born, and their livers died. For Anon and Shiny got absolutely hammered.
“Anon, time to wake up~” Cream said gently.
“Blegh! Where am I?” Anon groaned, lifting his head to see he was in fact home.
“You came home with Shining Armor around one in the morning, you were singing about someone named Popeye, then vomited on a portrait of Sombra that hadn’t been taken down and passed out” Cream explained.
“Ugh, I can’t imagine how bad Shining’s being hit by this” Anon groaned, rubbing his head.
Little did Anon know that there was a spell for hangovers. Shining was perfectly fine.
“So Shiny how does it feel?” Cadance asked.
Suspended in the air via several clothing pegs on a line hung up in their room. Shining Armour wore a mixed expression.
“I mean it pinches, but the swaying sensation is actually really pleasant” he said.
“I’m still not sure. How is this supposed to be a sex thing?” Cadance asked, still confused by the whole concept.
At the heart of the Crystal Empire, millions gathered to hear the proclamation from their king.
Stood on the balcony of his palace, King Anon I looked down upon his people.
“Ponies of the Crystal Empire, a great injustice has been rectified. Through time and effort I have solved the single greatest issue of our time” Anon spoke.
Whispers and mourners echoed through the city. Their collective noise created a humming that could be heard from miles around.
“Now, ponies of the Empire. Rise, for your national anthem, sung by Sweetie Bell of Ponyville” Anon ordered much to the confusion of the populace.
A one mare band consisting of Pinkie began playing dozens of horns and drums, creating a rhythm. Sweetie Bell stepped forward and cleared her throat.
Long live the Empire, Our pure and sovereign land, All hail the Empire, Her power will withstand,
(Triumphant horns)
Subjects of the Empire, Proud and brave and strong, The envy of stallions everywhere, Our shafts are all quite long,
(More triumphant horns)
Long live the Empire, It will be forever free, With bountiful resources, Like gin, crystals and tea,
We must admit we were once quite shit, We’ve had dark days in the past, King Sombra was once a threat, Till King Anon kicked his ass!
(The noise of Rarity making her way through the crowd, yelling threats at Anon for teaching her sister those words)
Gods bless the Empire, Guarded by the Crystal Heart, Ruled by the wisest kings, They are very smart,
All rise for the Empire, We will fight until our last, A millenia mist or not we’re still a threat, And our culture’s unsurpassed,
Long live the Empire, Raise up your arms once more, To defend our precious motherland, We must prepare for war,
Long live the Empire, We may not have a shore, But even in this bitter cold, Our hearts beat ever more,
Completing the national anthem, Anon clapped his hooves together.
Slowly he was joined by hundreds then a few thousand.
“Did they like it?” Sweetie asked innocently.
“Absolutely, you were a great kid. Here have a cookie” Anon praised, giving the filly a cookie.
“Anon!” Rarity roared as she marched towards the king.
“Hi big Sis!” Sweetie said while happily munching on her cookie.
“Sup Rare-Rare” Anon greeted, before being unceremoniously bitch slapped.
“How could you teach that foul language to Sweetie Bell!?” She scolded.
“Rarity not now you’re embarrassing me in front of my subjects” Anon whispered while nursing the red hoof mark on his face.
“But Sis, what if this helps me get my cutie mark? And you always said I have a good singing voice” Sweetie protested.
“I’m not having any of it young filly, if it was edible I’d wash your mouth out with soap” Rarity said.
“Actually I’m working on a brand of edible soap,” Anon interjected.
“Did you at least like the song?” Sweetie asked.
“I did” Anon said.
“I most certainly didn’t, now we’re going home this instant” Rarity said storming off with Sweetie reluctantly following.
“I feel like I deserved it for some reason but I can’t think of a reason” Anon thought to himself.
“So what did you girls think?” Anon asked.
The last five members of the Mane 6 (having come up north for a visit) stood in silence at the display.
“Um… it was very… original?” Twilight said, treading carefully.
“That was the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard” Rainbow stated.
“It was a little too lewd for my taste, sorry” Fluttershy said.
“I liked the part where I blew on a horn” Pinkie said happily.
“Anon be honest you wrote that song didn’t you?” Applejack asked.
“Ok, thank you, rude, art is often graphic, I liked that as well and no I didn’t” Anon said, responding to each comment.
“The national anthem was submitted by an anonymous citizen in a competition,” Anon explained.
He was of course lying through his teeth, only using that lie to make ponies believe it wasn’t just propaganda.
“Besides a national anthem helps promote national unity and patriotism, while it was a little exaggerated in some parts” Anon explained.
“Exaggerated? It made it out as if you beat Sombra, Spike and Cadance defeated him when he activated the Crystal Heart everypony knows that '' Rainbow stated.
“I know that and you know that, whoever wrote it was probably just having trouble finding something that rhymes with Spike and Cadance. This is an isolated incident and I’m sure it won’t come up again” Anon reassured them.
But it did come up again.
“Actually there is something I wanted to talk about,” Twilight said levitating a book into Anon’s view.
The book was titled ‘Return to the Empire’ ; its first page showed a far more demonic interpretation of Sombra than his actual appearance. It’s follow up pages showing him perform all manner of dark magic such as shape shifting into monsters and raising the dead.
“Now this looks like a good read,” Anon said.
“I found it in the corner of your library, read what it says” Twilight explained.
Long ago in a distant land, Sombra, the shape shifting Master of Darkness unleashed an unspeakable evil upon the lands.
But, a foolish samurai, wielding a magic sword stepped forth to oppose him.
Before the final blow was struck Sombra tore open a portal in time and flung him into the future, where his evil was law.
Now the fool seeks to fix the mistakes of the past, and undo the evil that is Sombra.
The last few pages depicted an epic battle between Anon and Sombra, the former destroying the latter wielding a katana.
“Well this is completely inaccurate,” Anon said.
“Exactly, it’s giving you credit for what others di-“ Twilight began.
“My ass is way smaller” Anon interrupted, commenting on the bodacious size of his book counterpart’s flank.
“That’s not what the problem is” Twilight stated.
“You’re right, I don’t have a magic sword either. Crystal see if we can get our hands on a magic sword it might come in handy” Anon said.
“At once your majesty” Crystal Clear obeyed. Going off to find a magic sword.
“Anon” Twilight said, getting frankly annoyed with the constant interruptions.
“Ok ok no more interruptions” Anon promised.
“Anon, whoever is doing this has to be stopped. Lying is dangerous on its own. If it isn’t stopped this could completely change how future generations see the return of the Empire, changing the truth to make them think you beat Sombra. This has to be stopped NOW” Twilight explained.
It was at that moment Anon echoed all politicians who came before him. Using a phrase reserved for those who would say they're going to do something but have no intentions to.
“Don’t worry, I’ll look into it,” he said.
“Thank you” Twilight said as she and the girls turned to leave the balcony. Taking the benefit of the doubt that Anon wasn’t behind this.
But Anon was behind both the anthem and the book. Hoping that as the centuries roll by the myths will become accepted facts. Securing his descendant’s claim to the throne.
AN: National anthem based on the national anthem of Datlof.
Yes I know stealing credit is a dick move but all monarchs make shit up to sound better.
By average I mean Anon was doing something stupid.
“Anon what in transition are you doing?” Applejack asked, a keg of Apple family cider that Anon had pre-ordered months back by her side.
“Training,” Anon explained.
Stood covered in sweat, Anon lifted a pair of weights tied to the thumbs of his wings.
Yes, bat wings have thumbs. Look it up.
“I can see that. Why?” Applejack asked.
“Rainbow Dash said she was better at flying than Anon,” Button explained, sitting on the floor nearby playing with Albus.
“She is,” Applejack said.
“Yes but I can’t take that lying down, now someone tell me how many reps I’m on” Anon explained.
“Seventy six” Cream sighed, a dreamy smile spread across her face as she watched the sweaty thestral at work.
“Anon, I'll be honest,” Applejack said.
“Imagine my shock” Anon snarkingly responded.
“It don’t matter how much weight you lift you ain’t beating Dash, no pony I’ve met that’s faster” Applejack stated.
Getting a dismissive huff from Anon Applejack turned to Cream Heart for backup “Cream Heart please tell him this is a bad idea” she asked politely.
“Applejack, come here for a moment” Cream Heart said, becoming the younger mare over.
Leaning in once she got close enough, Cream Heart began to whisper.
“I’ve got a sweaty, muscular, testosterone fuelled stallion all to myself. Stop me when I get to the bad part”
Rolling her eyes, Applejack looked at the milf disapprovingly.
“Ma’am with all due respect I’ve met minotaur less horny than you” she whispered, careful that the tiny ears and the colts they belonged to didn’t hear her statement.
“Applejack when you’ve got a hunky stallion of your own you’ll understand. Now please step to your left, mama’s watching the show” Cream Heart said, peering over AJ’s shoulder as she continued to watch Anon work out.
“I’ve got it down to biology App, simple biology” Anon said, calling AJ by a nickname that would never catch on.
“Pegasi are like big birds, they glide through the wind. Bats on the other hand fly by flapping. This means that they have greater stamina in order to keep flapping. Therefore, all I have to do is build up as much strength and stamina in my wings and I will be able to beat Rainbow” Anon explained.
“Anon that ain’t how it works, even I can tell you that” Applejack stated.
“Not with that attitude it won’t” Anon responded.
Rolling her eyes Applejack gave up. Accepting that it was pointless trying to argue with Anon on this issue.
“Just don’t do any bellyaching if you hurt yourself” she said exiting their home.
“I’d love to stay and watch hun, but I’ve got my mothering classes to go to” Cream said getting up from her chair.
“Cream, what the heck is a mothering class?” Anon asked.
“They’re great, all the expecting mothers get together twice a week and practice birthing techniques and tips for taking are of newborns” Cream explained.
“Um, Mom? You’ve already gone through all of that” Button pointed out.
“Yes I did Button, but that was a while ago and I’m a little rusty, now be a good boy for Anon while I’m out. I’ll see you boys in a few hours” Cream explained leaving the house, completely unaware of what she had done.
“So do you really think you can beat Mrs Rainbow Dash?” Button asked.
“Oh god no that mare moves like a homeless person on bath salts” Anon admitted.
“You put salt in your bath?” Button asked.
“Not that kind of bath salts, now grab your saddle bag we need to go see Zecora” Anon instructed.
“Why?” Button asked.
“Well I can’t beat her naturally so I’ll have to win the American way” Anon explained.
“What’s that?” Button said, picking up his saddle bag.
“Steroids,” Anon explained.
“But there aren’t any here so I’ll have to settle for Zebra magic potions” he added.
Travelling to Zecora’s hut, the mare was less than pleased at Anon’s request.
“Anon I find it loathsome, that you assume I have a potion for every problem” Zecora chided him.
Pulling out a heavy looking sack with a dollar sign on it Anon placed it on Zecora’s table.
“Ok I have a potion of this I must confess, but once you have it you must do the rest” she said.
“I’m good with this,” Anon agreed.
Zecora went into the back to fetch the potion, leaving Anon and a slightly uncomfortable Button alone with Albus sleeping on his father’s back.
“Um, Anon, this seems like you’re cheating. Isn’t that, you know. Wrong?” Button asked.
“Button Button Button, look at it this way. Dash would trample me in a fair race, that’s not much incentive for me to race fair right?” Anon argued.
“Ok but what if you get caught?” Button asked.
“How, once the potion’s in my bloodstream they can’t find it and I’m giving Zecora extra cash to buy her silence” Anon explained.
“So… cheating is fine as long as you don’t get caught?” Button asked.
Releasing the lesson he was teaching his step-son Anon quickly changed tactics.
“Here have 20 bits, we’ll go to the arcade after this if you promise not to start cheating” Anon bribed, placing a smaller bag of bits at Button’s feet.
“But you just said-“ Button started.
“If you no want it, give it back” Anon said, pointing at the bits while doing his best Calypso impression.
Scooping them up quickly Button held the bits in his arms defensively “ok cheating is wrong but we’ll let it slide this one time” Button said.
“Good boy”
Coming back with an oversized bottle filled with green liquid.
“This will help you build your strength, if you’re willing to go that length,” Zecora explained.
“That’s a big bottle, you don’t expect me to drink it all,” Anon said.
Shaking her head Zecora put the bottle on the ground.
“It must get quickly to your gut, it must be inserted through your bu-“ Zecora began.
Putting his hooves over Button’s ears Anon interrupted.
“Wow wow wow wow wow wow, wow”
“Are you done?”
“Wow”
“Zec you can’t expect me to put that up my hootenanny” Anon said, speaking quietly so Button wouldn't hear.
“So you want to win? This must be put within” Zecora said.
Anon weighed his options, his pride or his dignity.
“Button take Albus and wait outside for a minute” he said, passing Albus to his step-brother.
“Why?” Button asked.
“Just trust me, I’ll only be a second,” Anon said.
Putting Albus on his back Button went outside, leaving Zecora and Anon alone.
“Ok I know I’ve got a marefriend, but could we, you know, cuddle a little first? Just to relax my- mooooooon river!” Anon said nervously, being distracted long enough for Zecora to undo the bottle, then proceeded to boldly go where no pony had gone before.
At least not while Anon was sober.
Sat outside with Albus in his lap, Button was contently playing in his gamecolt. His step-brother giggling at the flashing colours.
Wobbling out of the hut, Anon leaned against the wall of the structure.
“We can go now” Anon squeaked, his voice an unusually high pitch.
Leaving the Everfree, Anon was unaware that Zecora was watching. A slight giggle in her throat.
“It may just be because I’m in a rut, but Anon does have quite the cute butt” Zecora thought to herself. Making sure to rhyme even in her own head.
After spending the afternoon in the arcade the boys went home.
Button went back to his games and Anon made dinner just in time for Cream Heart to get home.
Sure it was just a salad with everything in the fridge thrown in, but Cream enjoyed it none the less.
While everyone else slept, Anon was downstairs. The effects of the potion were starting to take hold.
Filled with energy, Anon had used metal wires and the wooden support beam overhead to construct a rudimentary lat-pulldown machine.
With each of the two weights weighing the same as his body weight, Anon repeated rep after rep.
It wouldn’t be until morning before anyone else in the house realised Anon had been down there all night.
“Anon? Did you stay up all night?” Cream Heart asked.
“Yep!” Anon said, full of energy.
Looking over her coltfriend, Cream Heart noticed that Anon had gotten an overall buffer but most of it had gone to his wings. The leathery limbs seem to be almost larger than before.
“I need to thank Rainbow later,” Cream muttered.
Being snapped out of her trance by a knock on the door, Cream went to open it.
“Ready to get your flank whooped Anon?” Dash asked confidently, before being momentarily taken aback by the thestral’s larger wings.
“Oh not today Dash” Anon said, momentarily checking that Button wasn’t there.
Seeing that he wasn’t Anon continued “you’ve fucked with America rainbow hair, we always win! Nothings going to stop this rac-“ he continued before being distracted.
“Cream, are you aroused or did your water break?” Anon asked, looking at the puddle pooling around Cream’s rear legs.
“The second one” Cream said, swallowing her breath as she did.
“Dash?” Anon asked.
“Yeah?” She responded.
“Can we rearrange our race?” Anon asked.
“Sure” Dash agreed.
Rushing Cream Heart to the hospital Anon waited outside the labour ward, pacing back and forth.
“It’s going to be fine, it’s going to be fine” he chanted to himself.
“Nonny!” Pinkie yelled, tackling the thestral.
“What are you doing here?” Anon asked, hissing slightly as he skid across the floor.
“Dashie said Cream Heart is going into labour. So we came to support you” Pinkie explained.
“We?”
Getting back to his feet Anon saw the Mane Six and Spike walking toward him. The baby dragon holding two balloons, one saying “it’s a boy” and another saying “it’s a girl”
“We didn’t know what it’s gonna be so we got both,” Spike explained.
“So where’s the mama?” Pinkie asked.
“She’s still in labour,” Anon explained.
“Aren’t you going to go comfort her through it?” Fluttershy asked.
Raising an eyebrow, Anon walked over to the door of the labour ward.
“Anon!” Cream roared.
Almost as if by a reaction Anon slammed the door shut. A second later an axe was lodged into the door, shocking the girls.
“I don’t even know where she keeps getting them,” Anon admitted.
An hour passed before nurse Readheart left the ward.
“Mr Anon, I’m sorry King Anon” she said, correcting herself.
“Red you’ve mended enough post-pinkie party broken bones you can just call me Anon” Anon responded.
“Regardless, we’re done” she said, leading Anon into the ward.
He stopped for a second and looked back at the girls.
“Aren’t you coming?” He asked, internally hoping they’d protect him if Cream had more axes.
“You’ll be fine Anon, go meet your baby” Twilight encouraged.
“Fuck if I die you’re raising the kid Twiggles” Anon thought to himself as he went into the ward.
Following Redheart Anon saw Cream Heart resting in a hospital bed. A white sheet draped over her.
“Hey honey, how was the birth?” Anon asked cautiously as he approached.
“Anon?” Cream Heart asked weakly.
“It’s me Cream, I’m here. You’re out of axes right?” Anon asked.
“Anon!” Cream Heart suddenly became hyper aggressive. Her hooves pressed against Anon’s neck as she somehow began choking him.
“One more push!” Redheart said.
“You said she was done you lying bitch!” Anon choked, wasting what little oxygen he had left.
“Get. It. Out. Of. Me!” Cream demanded, her grip tightening on Anon’s throat.
A loud and painful scream erupted from Cream Heart before she suddenly released Anon from her grasp. Catching his breath Anon picked up a smaller, lighter noise. The sound of a newborn crying.
Getting back to his feet Anon watched with Cream in anticipation as Redheart cleaned up the birthing juices and passed their child to Cream.
Looking down at his child Anon had only one thought.
“Why are there two of them?” Anon deadpanned.
Looking at the two earth pony foals wiggling about in Creams forelegs Anon pressed his issue again.
“Need I repeat myself, why are there two of them?” Anon asked again.
Now in an infinitely better mood Cream beamed at Anon. Her murderous look was replaced with a blissful smile.
“Oh Anon, they’re perfect” Cream said, nuzzling her children lightly.
Seeing his marefriend happy Anon cracked a smile.
“They’re boys, and what a pair of boys!” Anon said proudly.
“Anon those are the umbilical cords, they're girls” Redheart corrected.
“They’re girls, the most beautiful girls in the world” Anon corrected himself.
Having to add an s to girl made Cream Heart realise something.
“Anon, we’ve got three foals in our house” she said in a concerned voice.
With the realisation dawning on him, Anon swallowed his breath.
“Don’t worry hun it’ll be fine, Albus is a fairly quiet foal. Sure he shits himself every three-four hours but other than that, maybe the twins will be the same?” Anon said, comforting his mildly concerned mare.
But they weren’t fine.
Anon and Cream returned home that very night, and found themselves overwhelmed by the new additions to their family.
“Sweetie, give Papa's shades back, he’ll explode if the sun hits him without them” Anon said calmly, approaching his daughter, who was currently sitting on the back of the sofa holding his magic glasses.
Blowing a raspberry she fell off the back.
Rushing to catch her Anon found that she wasn’t behind the sofa.
Hearing a giggle Anon popped his head back up, seeing her sat on the other sofa.
“How do you do that?” Anon asked, having dealt with his foal’s disappearing act more than once today.
Scooping her up in his fore-leg Anon reclaimed his shades, although he did have to wipe quite a bit of drool off them.
“Anon, can you help me in the kitchen please?” Cream Heart called out.
“Coming,” Anon responded.
Entering the kitchen with the girl in hand Anon saw Cream Heart prepping dinner, their other daughter on her back nawing on her hair.
“Can you please distract her while I deal with dinner?” Cream asked.
“Sure thing” Anon said, trying to hide his tired nature as he picked the second of his twins off her mother’s back.
Now with both of them on his back Anon lumbered back into the living room Anon contemplated his life.
“Buck, what am I going to do now? I can’t leave Cream to take care of you two alone. But I can’t leave Cadance and Shining in charge of the Empire for more than a month tops, they might get funny ideas” Anon said looking down at his daughters.
Despite the headache they caused him he couldn’t help but smile as they played with each other.
“I just wish I had a normal job again, one where I could walk home from work every day. Why couldn’t Ponyville have been built closer to the empire?” Anon asked his daughters, who just responded by blowing bubbles and booping his snoot.
Dwelling on his words for a moment, the most dangerous natural disaster in Equestria happened.
Anon got an idea.
The next day Twilight awoke, had breakfast and began her daily routine.
“Ok Spike, today we’ve got to give a lecture on Equestrian history at the school house then- WHAT THE BUCK!?” The lavender unicorn said then yelled.
Ponyville, the entire town had been transported down to the smallest detail, along with a chunk of the Everfree into the Crystal Empire.
Sat in a now open field within the barrier Ponyvillie’s residences looked around in confusion at what had happened to their home.
“Twilight!” The rest of the mane 6 said as they rushed towards her.
“Twi, what's happening?” Rainbow asked.
“I don’t know, Discord, a new villain, Trixie’s illusion, or worse it could be-“ Twilight started listing off potential causes for this
“Twilight” Applejack interrupted.
“Yes?” Twilight asked.
“And here ah thought you were the smart one and ah was the one who provides southern charm, it’s Anon sugarcube, this is obviously Anon” Applejack explained.
Before she could argue, Twilight quickly realised that she was probably right.
Marching to Cream Heart’s house the girls barged in.
Storming the kitchen they saw Anon standing happily preparing breakfast with a “kiss the cook” apron on.
“Morning girls, you hungry? I made way too much food for the three of us so help yourselves” Anon invited.
“Anon, what have you done!?” Twilight demanded, wondering if it was legal to kill a foreign ruler.
“A bit of everything really, it’s like my grandma always said, if you ain’t vomiting by lunch, you didn’t have enough breakfast” Anon explained.
“I’m serious Anon” she responded coldly.
“So am I, my grandma’s from the south Twiggles, if she found out I hadn’t eaten that hour she'd sit me down by gunpoint, literally, and cook me a full meal. No can, ifs or ‘grandma I’m 16 and I’ve had two heart attacks’ about it” Anon said.
“The town Anon, what did you do to the town?” Twilight specified.
“Oh that? Well, with the kids having just been born, Cream and I have been too tired to do much, heck we were too tired to think of names yet. So I, knowing I’d have to go back to ruling the empire eventually, so I did the only logical thing” Anon said, putting a massive plate of muffins on the table, which Pinkie quickly consumed.
“I snuck out, flew to Canterlot on 17 cups of coffee and released Discord and asked him to-“ Anon began before being interrupted.
“YOU DID WHAT!?” The Mane Six yelled.
“I. Released. Discord. Then. Asked. Him. To. Move. The. Town” Anon said very slowly.
The girls were frozen for what must have been minutes, leaving Anon to return to cooking.
“Anyone want some dandelions? Anon asked, offering the girls food.
“Celestia is going to murder you” Applejack said with very little doubt.
“Oh come on, Celly understands the burdens of leadership better than anyone. Throwing a family into that makes it even more complicated, I’m sure once she finds out, she’ll see it with love and understanding and-“
“ANOOOOOOOOON!” Celestia’s roar shook the city.
“Ok, maybe she isn’t going to understand” Anon said, correcting himself.
AN: I’ll let you guys name the kids.
Don’t worry the race is still gonna happen, but spoilers, Nonners loses. Obviously.
Also Nonner’s meeting with Grover is coming up so between Albus and the girls Anon’s dynasty might just pull a Habsburg XD
Although considering how it’s going so far, I feel the last thing Griffonia needs right now is to have someone who’s genetically related to Anon as its next Empress.
Sat on his throne, Anon, the most based king of the glass horses watched as Princess Celestia, the not so stomped down the throne room towards him.
Stood at the side, the Mane 6 and Spike could only watch in horror. Knowing that once Celestia got to Anon the result would be so brutal that they won’t even be able to put in the 10 pm news.
“Hi Celly” Anon greeted, the mad bastard not realising the rage on his usually calm, cake loving friend’s face.
“ENOUGH!” Celestia bellowed.
Stopping mere feet away from Anon, Celestia glared him down.
“I have had it Anon, I’ve given you infinite chances to adapt to pony society and you’ve spat in my face every time, I’ve hit my limit!” Celestia snapped, truly having had enough of Anon’s shit.
“You know it’s not really infinite chances if you’ve got a limit” Anon countered being mathematically correct.
“Is everything in life a joke to you!?” She asked.
“No but a lot of it is, that’s how I get invited to all the good parties” Anon explained.
Celestia was not amused by his wit.
“I’ve had it! I can forgive everything else. But you’ve foalnapped my subjects! And why? Some selfish attempt to annoy me!?” She yelled, having been completely consumed with anger.
Meanwhile the poor girls and dragon watched helplessly as the usually happy and kind princess chewed Anon out. They thought it could get worse.
It got worse.
Anon pimp slapped Celestia.
While the others gasped or fainted, Spike prepared to order a coffin for the remains of Anon that they'll be able to get off the wall he’ll get splattered on.
(Massive rant incoming)
“Selfish? SELFISH!? Let me tell you something about being selfish Sun-Ass. By your description being selfish is trying to rule a nation while your family is halfway across the continent.
Being selfish is finding a permanent solution to the Discord question by giving him a plot of uninhabited land to do his chaos shit in so next time he escapes he won’t spread it all over Equestria.
Being selfish is knowing every second you’re asleep you’re subjects have communists to the east, shapeshifting love vampires to the west and a Yak warlord to the north who’s one dead Rutherford away from marching his army south and sacking the place because last time I was there I slept with his mother and spoke in my Borat impression the whole time.
And before you say “I deal with that everyday” you’ve got the elements, a huge army of cannon fodder and the ability to love the fucking Sun. I don’t have any of that shit.
I’ve got to deal with all of this at once while modernising this place. That’s been sealed away for a thousand fucking years, AND raise my kids to be functional adults.
You’ve got Luna to help with paperwork, Twilight’s friends to sort out every external threat and you don’t have any foals to worry about.
I’m trying to do all of the shit they help you with practically by myself at once. While trying to figure out how to do with while finding a way to see my family without .
Cadance is too busy as she is! She’s trying to be Princess of Love, an expecting mother AND is running herself ragged helping me manage the day to day affairs of this place.
I’m being pulled in a million directions at once and I don’t know which way to turn!”
(Rant is now over)
Everyone in the room was silent for a moment.
Even Celestia, formerly consumed with anger, now stood still. The slight red oval on her cheek from being bitch slapped starting to settle.
It was at this moment, three years after meeting him. She realised Anon isn’t out to make her life bad.
It was just a negative side effect.
“Nonny, you should have told us. We could have helped” Pinkie said.
“There are some things that can’t be fixed by friendship Pinks” Anon explained.
The mood of the room changed significantly. Where there was rage, fear, and whatever goes on in the dark void where Anon’s brain should be. It was replaced by quiet.
“Ok, but I don’t understand one thing, why didn’t you just move the Empire to Ponyville?” Pinkie asked.
The mood immediately went back to fear.
“PINKIE NO!” Her friends said in panic.
“Wait wha?” Anon asked.
“I mean nopony really lives in the Everfree except for Zecora. And it’s HUUUUUUGE, you could plop the city down there and just fly down to town at the end of the work da-“ Pinkie began to explain before being tackled by her friends.
“Anon, I’m sorry for misjudging your intentions but don’t-'' Celestia said as she saw a lightbulb appear above Anon’s head.
“That’s a great idea! Why didn’t I think of that!” Anon exclaimed, facehoofing himself.
“Anon please” Celestia almost begged.
“YO DIS-NUTS!” Anon called out.
Popping into the room Discord floated over the throne, looking smug as usual.
“You rang?” He asked.
“Hey change of plans, I need you to move the Empire and its crystal mines to the Everfree” Anon explained.
Letting out an exaggerated sigh Discord slumped over.
“I just moved Ponyville now you’re telling me I have to move it back? There’s just no pleasing you is there?” He asked.
“I’ll let you do whatever you want with the frozen wastes when the job’s done” Anon offered.
“You’re letting him do what!?” Celestia yelled.
“It makes perfect sense. Discord can do whatever chaotic shit he wants in the Empire’s borders excluding the city itself and a few tunnels of normalcy to allow trains between Yakyakistan and Equestria to move freely, the crystal ponies get to keep their chosen king, my kids get their dad, Stalliongrad doesn't get to expand into the region. Everyone wins!” Anon explained.
“Anon you’re planning to drop a city nearly twice the size of Manehattan into my kingdom” Celestia pointed out.
“Hey the Everfree is half the size of Texas, and it’s not like you were using it” Anon pointed out.
“Yeah Tia” Discord backed his chaos-friend up.
Subconsciously pushing aside the terrifying realisation that these two were basically the same, and the confusion of what a ‘Texas’ is, Celestia regained her composure.
“Anon, I understand you’re trying your best to live two lives, but I have to put my hoof down. Letting Discord reign freely is bad enough, you can’t just drop twelve million ponies into Equestria’s border” she said.
“I mean it’s better he does this thang in a confined, unpopulated region then anywhere where someone lives. Plus the Empire is rich in resources so we can trade for anything we need. I’m king of the glass horses not king of the refugees” Anon argued.
“Anon is a pronounced THING, not THANG, and my answer is still no,” Celestia stated.
“You just don’t use thang because you ain’t gangsta” Anon argued.
“Anon” Celestia stated, starting to lose her patience again.
Rolling his eyes Anon let out a sigh “ok ok, I’ll do what you ask” Anon said reluctantly.
“Thank you Anon” Celestia responded, a relaxed smile spreading across her face.
“But” Anon continued, making Celly mentally scream in agony.
Turning around, Anon started walking out the throne room, chanting as he did.
“But but but but but but but” he chanted, his voice getting quieter as he moved away.
It was a few minutes before he returned, all three of his children on his back, still chanting.
One of them was the black foal we all know as Albus, but the others were the cream coloured foals Anon’s had with Cream Heart. Both of them having grown out small tufts of black hair on their tiny heads.
“But but but but but but but but but, BUT” He said, stopping just in front of Celestia.
Sitting down Anon moved his kids in front of him, the tiny foals looking up at Celestia in wonder.
“Celly, these are my kids, you know Albus but these little ladies are String Theory and Strong Tooth. They’re named that because one I don’t understand how she works and the other tries to eat everything she gets her maw on. Now, I’ll put Ponyville back and let you reseal Discord-“ Anon said before being interrupted.
“Hey hey now that wasn’t part of the deal!” Discord protested.
“Discored, you just don’t get it, do you?” Anon asked.
“I’m not going back into-“
“Shush”
“Don’t you dismiss me like tha-“
“Shush”
“You’re acting my like a foal than your ow-“
“Ever heard the story of a man named shush?”
“I’m just saying-“
“Shush”
“-“
“Shush, before you even start, that was a preemptive shush, now just remember I’ve got a whole bag of shush with your name on it”
Glaring at the thestral for a moment Discord huffed, folding his arms as he proceeded to pout.
“Now back to the issue, Celly I will do all the previous things and apologise for stealing a town, IF, you can look into the eyes of these foals and explain to them that their AUNTY TIA is the reason their daddy can’t be there to tuck them into bed at night” Anon explained.
Gaining a darker expression Celestia glared at Anon.
“That, that is low even for you” she said grimly.
“Aw, bless your heart. You assumed there’s such a thing as low for me” Anon said, almost cooing at the innocence of this mare.
While she had a neutral expression as she looked down at these foals. Inside her mind Celestia was in the middle of the most epic beam struggle in anime history.
“We can’t let him keep getting away with everything!” One half of her mid said.
“But these foals are so cute! We can’t deprive them of their father, no matter how insane he is, he literally moved the earth itself to be with them!” The other argued.
“Tia we have millions of ponies relying on us to stay strong! How are they going to react when they see that we let a foreign leader just MOVE his entire nation into Equestrian lands?” The first half argued.
“They’d see that their princess is willing to do anything to help out friends in need”
“Well, you’re fat!”
“You’re me! Calling me fat is just calling yourself fat!”
“Oh no, logic!”
Eventually the softer side overpowered the stricter half.
Letting out an audible moan of annoyance Celestia relented.
“Fine!! But! You owe me!” Celestia warned.
“Thanks Celly” Anon thanked, oblivious to how utterly serious Celestia was.
“Number one. Twelve million to beam up” Anon said to Discord, completly unaware of the irony that he was using his Patrick Stewart impression.
Landing over a large chunk of the Everfree, every town along its border for ten miles could see the great tower in the heart of the city standing tall in the sunlight.
“Why am I still friends with you?” Celestia asked.
“Because in the end of the day you love me” Anon stated.
A week passed after that, the Crystal Empure fit snuggly into the edge of the Everfree Forest. Ponyville was returned to its natural state and Discord had turned most of the territories in the north into his Duchy of Chaosville, while officially still part of the Empire it was all but the playground of the chaos spirit.
It was safe to say that Stalliongrad was not best pleased, but it’s Discord so whatcha gonna do?
The chaos spirit was nice enough to teleport the Yak prince to Anon’s palace and back for weekly visits.
In his words.
“The furthur away from me those yaks get the better”
All seemed right with the world.
Except for the fact that String Theory and Strong Tooth were still running their parents ragged.
“How did you make the squares into a circle? And why is that one still green!?” Anon begged his daughter to explain how all her grey Lego blocks had formed into a perfect circle. And where she got the green one, considering he hadn’t gotten her any green legos.
Sat playing with String Theory and Albus, Anon rubbed his head. Trying to figure out how she managed it.
Strong Tooth was there as well, but being the consumer of worlds she was had spent most the time trying to eat her baby bottle.
She had yet to succeed.
“Your majesty” a guard said, letting himself into the living room of the castle.
“Your airship for Griffonia is ready” he explained.
“I will learn your secrets when I return, you squishy little eldridge being” Anon said looking his daughter in the eyes. His determination and seriousness are on full display.
String Theory on the other hand just giggled.
Meeting with Cream by the landing pad Anon passed their kids over to her, giving his marefriend a nuzzle before going to depart.
“Just promise you won’t cause an international incident” Cream asked.
“Cream I promise I won’t cause an international incident. It’s just a basic in and out diplomatic meeting, nothing more nothing less” Anon said, calming her nerves slightly.
Boarding the airship Anon went off on his long journey to Griffonia.
It was an airship so it took a whole fucking week to get there. But he did manage it.
Countless ornate and elaborate buildings littered the vast settlement. With the city at its heart, the imperial palace, being the largest and most ornate of all of them.
Landing in imperial capital Anon was met by several heavily armoured griffons.
“Welcome to Griffenheim your majesty, the Emperor is waiting for you in the palace” the lead guard said.
“Cool” Anon responded casually.
Following them through the august hallways of the palace Anon came to a pair of large golden doors before the guards leading him stopped.
“Apologies your grace, we didn’t know you were visiting,” the lead guard said, bowing enough for Anon to catch sight of a pink female griffon.
“It’s quite alright Captain, oh, hellos again Anon, it’s been a while” she said, smiling at our Floridian protagonist once she caught sight of him.
“Who the fuck is this bitch?” Anon thought, having never seen this griffon in his life.
“Heyyyyy, you?” He said awkwardly trying to dig through his mind to find her name.
Raising her eyebrow slightly she giggled a little.
“Don’t you recognise me? From Princess Celestia’s royal Gala two years ago” she said, trying to jog his memory.
“Oh yeah, sorry I got totally smashed that night. I don't remember a thing, other than I’m banned from entering Saddle Arabia for some reason” Anon confessed.
“Then allow me to reintroduce myself, Duchess Gabriela Eagleclaw, it’s a pleasure to see you again Anon, or is it your majesty now?” She introduced herself, adding a teasing tone to her last few words.
“Oh shit I remember you now, oh shit I remember you down” Anon parroted himself, first time with joy and second time with dread.
“Crap, I slept with her,” Anon thought to himself. Memories of being thrown around like a rag doll by the dutchess slowly flooding back into his mind.
“Forgive me for interrupting, but we can’t keep the Emperor waiting for long,” the Captain explained.
“Quite right Captain, shall we?” Gabriela said, opening the door and entering the throne room.
Following, Anon looked across the long rectangular room. At the far end, sat upon a throne that looked more like a tapestry than anything was Grover.
“Jesus fucking Christ on a stick how many diseases does this guy have all of them!?” Anon thought to himself at the sight of the sickly Emperor.
“Welcome to Griffenheim King Anon, I assume your trip was pleasant” Grover greeted.
“Glad to be here” Anon responded.
Moving to a meeting room, Anon sat at one end of a medium sized oak table, with Grover sat at the other and Gabriela in the middle to the right side.
“So, what can we do for each other?” Grover asked.
“Right now I need some professional soldiers to help train up a volunteer military and I’ve got the crystals to pay for them” Anon explained.
Grover scratched his beak, mulling over the offer.
“We don’t have as many soldiers to spare as we once did, it would be taxing” he admitted.
“I don’t need an army, just enough to train my own soldiers, I’ll happily pay for all the expenses of having them away from their posts” Anon offered.
Grover looked over to Gabriela, waiting for her to nod. As she did he turned back to Anon.
“I can lend you two platoons,” he offered.
“That’ll do me fine” Anon agreed.
“Good, now how about we move onto civilian economics?” Grover suggested.
“Oh shit I should have drank something before coming” Anon’s brain groaned.
The three rulers sat and continued to discuss trade, foreign policy and what kind of ice cream they all enjoyed.
You know, everything important to the peace and prosperity of the world.
While excusing himself for a bathroom break, Anon roamed the hallways of the palace.
Taking in the scenery he heard something. A light, distant crying.
Heading in its direction Anon recognised it as a baby crying.
Coming to a wooden door, Anon opened it.
Walking inside Anon found himself in a nursery-like room.
“I probably shouldn’t be in here, a good guest would just leave” Anon said to himself.
Celestia’s meltdown from last week is still resonating in his mind.
As he started walking deeper into the room anyways, Anon found the source of the crying.
Said whining in a red cot was a baby griffon, barely older than String or Strong.
With his parental instincts kicking in Anon immediately tried to comfort the little ball of feathery fluff.
“Hey hey, no need to cry. I don’t have any milk or worms or whatever you eat but I can talk your ears off about stuff if you want” Anon offered, inadvertently making the baby stop crying.
Instead he started giggling, trying to reach up and touch and grab Anon.
Leaning into the cot Anon let the baby grab onto his muzzle. Smiling lightly as the infant grabbed onto his snoot, Anon chuckled.
“I wonder who your mama is lil guy” Anon said softly as he looked down at the griffon baby.
Then a dark thought entered Anon’s mind.
“He couldn’t be. Gabriela could have had. It was years ago. But eggs take a while to hatch. I mean if me and Chrysalis can” Anon asked himself, his mind racing to come to a conclusion he could be happy with.
“Whelp time to leave” Anon said, gently rocking the infant to sleep before sneaking out. Slowly turning his light trot into a sprint.
As the airship left Griffenheim, Anon sat on the bridge, looking over the map to see what other nations inhabit this continent.
“Griffonstone? Holy shit Gilda lives there. Captain turn this ship south we’re making a detour” Anon ordered.
“Um, your majesty, that would extend our trip by a day” the Captain explained.
“Don’t worry we’ve bought more supplies from Griffenheim we can make it” Anon dismissed.
“Yes, but why are we going to Griffonstone? From what I know it’s a destitute city stuck in perpetual decay” the Captain argued.
“Yes, but I have three very important reasons to want to go there. You see a griffon named Gilda lives there, she came to Ponyville once and established herself as a colossal bitch. So my reasons for wanting to go there are” Anon began.
Gloat that I live in a palace while she’s stuck in that shithole.
My memory is soaked with booze but I think I lost my virginity to her and I need to check I didn’t get her pregnant because I don’t have time for a fifth kid.
Because I’m the guy who pays you so do your job.
“Sire I thought you only had three children” the Captain asked, wondering if his maths was off.
“I’m not Button’s step-dad, I’m his dad who stepped up. Because his biological father died from snu snu” Anon explained.
Realising that it was meaningless trying to argue with him the Captain adjusted their course.
So far everything has gone perfectly fine. Nothing went wrong at all.
Unfortunately Anon again got drunk after a few ciders.
Waking up with a pounding headache, Anon felt himself being dragged somewhere.
Groggily he blinked his eyes, looking around expecting his guards to be pulling him to his bed.
Instead he found himself inside a darkly lit room, bones and demonic symbols carved into the walls.
“Wait a minute this isn’t my sex dungeon” Anon’s brain groaned.
Turning his attention to those dragging him. Anon’s eyes went wide at a pair of moving skeletons dragging him along the cold stone floor.
Leading them was a unicorn who appeared to have his flesh slowly rotting away. He stopped just before a large wooden table with several high backed chairs surrounding it.
“Mistress, we found this thestral wandering the border. He was singing a song claiming to be someone called ‘Merlin the happy pig’” the rotting unicorn explained.
Vaguely remembering that, Anon rubbed his head.
Talking from her seat to a few feet away from Anon, a pink unicorn mare looked down at him with contempt.
“Well, I’m Anon, nice to meet you, who are you?” Anon asked.
“I am Rosa Maledicta, leader of the Dread League, why have you trespassed in our territories?” She asked.
“Well you see, I got drunk. Some other stuff happened, and now I’m here” Anon explained, using what little info on what’s happened that he had.
“You… got drunk, and stumbled into the land of the dead?” Rosa asked, doubt in her voice.
“Land of the… what? Wait so these aren’t illusions or Scooby Doo costumes?” Anon asked, looking at the skeletons, vampires and ghouls surrounding him.
Some of them looked particularly hungry.
“No, I assure you they are all quite real. Magehold is a refuge for those your normal pony friends cast out for having gifts they didn’t ask for. Their friends, family, they all shunned them. Just like they did me” Rosa explained, her disdain for ‘normal ponies’ as she put it on full display.
Anon began sniffling, tears slowly emerging out his eyes. His heartstrings being ripped out by her story.
“That is the second saddest thing I’ve ever heard,” Anon said.
“Exactly, you ponies speak of friendship and love yet you cast out those whose talents don’t align with your beloved ideals. But soon, soon you will know the pain of my existence. To feel helpless in your final moments as you-“ Rosa monologues before being interrupted.
“Imma hug you” Anon stated.
“What?” Rosa asked, being completely caught off guard by the thestral’s words.
“I said imma hug you” Anon repeated.
Crinkling her nose in disgust Rosa glared down at the intruder. “don’t even think about it” she ordered.
“Imma hug you” Anon repeated with more determination as he forced himself to his hooves, throwing off the skeletons holding him down.
At the sight Rosa’s horn lit up with magic.
“Ghouls! Tear him apart!” she ordered.
But poor Rosa didn’t realise something about her opponent.
He’s a Floridian, telling him not to do something will only make him want to do it more.
Grabbing onto a discarded sword with his teeth Anon rushed forward. The various ghouls and skeletons who tried to get in his way being torn apart by the Micheal Bay tier display of violence Anon commuted upon them.
Holy shit that one guy’s arm flew a mile! Oh never mind he’s a skeleton he just picked it back up.
Tearing through his enemies he threw the sword in the air distracting everyone.
Taking her eye off him for a moment was Rosa’s final mistake.
Before she could summon a spell Rosa found herself wrapped in a bear hug from the green thestral. Who was oddly enough… purring?
“Get the buck off me!” Rosa demanded, trying to shake Anon off.
“Never! You’re my daughter now!” He yelled, holding onto that hug like his life depended on it.
“What!? No! Now get off!” Rosa sneered.
“Nope! I’m switching to the Pinkie method. I’m disregarding your wishes, invading your personal space and sticking it out until you reciprocate my feelings!” Anon stated, still holding tight to his ‘daughter’
And so he held out.
Using whatever undead was within grabbing distance as a meat/bone shield against the onslaught of attacks from vampires, skeletons and lich alike.
At one point he cussed out a lich mare about her mane and actually reduced the monster to tears.
But he was right there was indeed an undead bird making a nest in that mare’s hair.
Several hours had passed, Anon was covered in cuts and scabs from the continued onslaught, the denizens of Magehold were now hesitant to approach the madstallion and Rosa had exhausted her magic reserves trying to throw, blast and burn Anon off.
“Fine! I’m your daughter! Just let me go” Rosa submitted, having become sore from the constant hugging.
“Yey, now pack your things sweetie it's time to go home” Anon said happily, letting his daughter breathe.
“Excuse me? I’m not leaving Magehold. I’m the leader of the council” Rosa said, rejecting her ‘father’s’ order.
“Ah, you were just adopted and you’re already arguing with your old man, don’t worry I’ve got it covered sweetie” Anon said.
“Dizzy!” Anon called out.
Moments later Discord appeared, Fluttershy in paw.
“Oh what now, we were having a tea party” Discord asked before catching a look at Anon’s state.
“Oh I’ve missed a lot” he added casually.
The sight of scaring burnt tissue was enough to make Fluttershy to faint, almost falling out of Discord’s paw, being caught by the Chaos Spirit.
The denizens of Magehold recoiled in fear. The fact this creature who wandered into their mist not only survived half the city trying to kill him but can summon the Master of Chaos so causually put fear into their investing hearts.
“One town to beam up, if you don’t mind” Anon said.
“Wow wow wow wow, you want me to drop a town of necromancers and vampires right into the heart of Equestria? Anon you do know me. But let’s get you cleaned up first” Discord said, looking over Anon’s battered state.
“What do you mean?” Anon asked, tilting his head in confusion. Completely unaware his left wing had fallen off half an hour ago.
“Oh, nothing, you’ve just got some dirt in your hair” Discord lied, before pulling out a comically large spray bottle and spraying Anon.
In a flash of pink smoke his injuries were gone and the dirt that had gotten in his hair was removed.
“Hold onto your shrunken heads, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!” Discord said as he snapped his fingers.
Meanwhile at the Crystal Empire, currently sat on the Everfree, Cream Heart was livid.
“What do you mean “I’ve lost the king!?” She yelled at the airship Captain. Parroting his words.
Sheepishly, he explained himself.
“Well, we went to Griffonia, picked up two dozen griffon soldiers to train the army back home. We then took a short detour so his majesty could float to some creature called Gilda. But when we went to wake his majesty up, he wasn’t there. We searched the area for five days and didn’t find him, then after we followed the orders in case of emergency and came home”
Looking like she was about to choke a bitch, Cream Heart was partly calmed down by Twilight putting a hoof on her shoulder.
“We’ll head to Griffonia right away, don’t worry Cream Heart we’ll find Anon as soon as possib-“ Twilight said before a flash of light cut her off.
Seconds later the city of the dead appeared just a small trot outside Crystal City.
It was in the dead of night so the vampire populace didn’t have to worry about exploding in the sunlight.
“Welcome to your new home, now we’ll have to put down some ground rules but I’m sure once you’ve settled in you’ll be able to make all kinds of new firends” Anon addressed the crowd.
“New friends!” A squeal of happiness shook through the empire.
Anon knew what was rapidly approaching and was calm, while those of the Dread League were significantly more worried.
“What the Tartarus was that!?” Rosa asked, looking around trying to see what the hell was happening.
“That my dear is what happens when you take a Florida-girl, have her raised by the Amish and then give her enough frosting that she becomes the scariest thing to walk since the Jurassic period” Anon explained, trying his best to describe the existence of Pinkie.
…
Later, in the city of Canterlot, Princess Celestia heard about the ‘newest residence’ of the Empire.
“HE LET WHO IN!!!!” She yelled in the Royal Canterlot Voice.
AN: Someone get Celly a strawberry cheesecake and a strong pina colada. Girl gonna need it.
Yeah only Anon could defeat a genocidal death cult of wizards by forcibly adopting their leader.
Also I loved all your name ideas but I had to pick two eventually. But don’t worry I’ve come up with a solution for those whose names didn’t get picked.
“You went to Griffonia to discuss opening relations with Emperor Grover” she said.
“Yep” Anon responded.
“And somehow, you got drunk, found yourself several thousand miles north in lands ruled by vampires and necromancers” Luna continued.
“Yep” Anon repeated.
“So your way out of it, was to adopt their leader as your daughter, despite the fact she is older than you, and then have Discord bring their population here”
“You have described it perfectly,” Anon said.
Looking blankly at Anon, Luna looked as if she looked like she was going to choke him.
“Now, our final question. Why are you in a hot tub?” Luna asked.
Reclined in a hot tub with Cream Heart resting on his right side, Anon scratched his left ear.
“I’m sitting in a hot tub with my beautiful marefriend, that statement alone justifies why I’m in here” Anon explained.
“We know you’re sitting in a hot tub Anon but why did you get IN to the hot tub?” Luna asked.
“Oh it was a gift from Saddle Arabia” Anon explained.
“We’ll have to send them something nice back,” Cream said, looking more relaxed then she had been in several months.
“That seems uncharacteristically generous considering the king’s dislike of you” Luna said, with a suspicious tone.
“Yeah it was great once I fished all the venomous snakes out of it” Anon explained.
Now that caught Luna’s attention.
“Venomous snakes!”
“Yeah there were like three dozen in here. Needed a rope and a really thick sack to get them all out” Anon said casually.
“You seem very calm about this obvious attempt on your life,” Luna said.
“I’m from Florida, you can’t live in the suburbs without unknowingly housing a Burmese python under your bed” Anon explained, dismissing the threat those snakes posed to his life.
“Please tell us you at least disposed of them safely” Luna asked.
“Of course, I made sure they were all fed and watered then I sent them to Blueblood,” Anon said.
Many miles north, in the personal estate of Prince Blueblood, the royal pain in the ass was clinging on for dear life.
Hanging from a golden statue of himself, looked down to the marble floor. The entire floor was covered in various snakes.
“Guards!” He squeaked out, expecting the guards, who were also hanging from the statues, to save him.
Back with Anon, Luna had joined the couple in the hot tub, actually looking relaxed as the bubbles floated up around her.
“So how’s Celly?” Anon asked.
“She’s switched to rum cake since the Empire moved south, but other than that she’s fine,” Luna said.
“You should do something nice for her,” Cream suggested.
“Good idea, I’ll get her a hot tub, these things melt the stress away” Anon thought out loud.
“Don’t, she’ll never get any work done. I know I won’t be” Luna warned, sinking into the tub furthur.
“Hey Luna,” Anon asked.
“Hm?” She muttered.
“Why do the Saddle Arabians hate me?” Anon asked.
“At your first Gala as a pony you called their queen a, and I believe this is the correct term, a ‘milf’ to her face with the king standing next to her. They almost threatened war when Tia refused to hand you over for execution” Luna explained.
“Ah, I remember that night now. That was a good party” Anon said, remembering that party’s wine vintage and buffet fondly.
The three spent hours in that tub, but unfortunately their bubbly paradise had to end.
Luna was forced away by the constant burden of social and economic governance and Cream had to do the school run to pick up Button.
Left alone, Anon leaned over the side, scribbling with a pen and paper.
After an hour of solitude Anon was found by Crystal. The mare accidentally stumbles upon her monarch.
“Your majesty! I am so sorry I didn’t know you were in the bath” she apologised.
“No no it’s fine, actually come closer I need your opinion on this” Anon said beckoning her to come closer.
Blushing heavily, Crystal moved closer to the hot tub.
“Here I want you to look over these” he said, handing her several sheets of paper.
Looking them over Crystal’s eyes went slightly wider with each paragraph.
The structure, the logic, the economic feasibility, they were flawless!
“Sir, where did you get these?” She asked.
“I wrote them,” Anon explained.
Almost biting her tongue she suppressed a giggle Crystal went over the papers again.
“Yes, very funny sir, but seriously who wrote these?” Crystal asked.
Furrowing his brow in annoyance Anon held his watery position.
“Crystal, I wrote those papers,” Anon reaffirmed.
Crystal’s eyes quickly shrank to pinpricks once she realised that her king wasn’t joking.
“I think the education reforms and apprenticeship programs will work well towards creating a large educated workforce,” Anon said, pointing to the third sheet of paper.
“And this is about economic development of not just the mines but our now large forest resources” he continued as he pointed to the first sheet.
“Finally, here’s a drawing of a fish. I got bored so I drew a fish. Which could be used to restart the art program” he explained, showing her the very lifelike drawing of a salmon.
“Error found, Crystal rebooting” the voice in Crystal’s head was saying as she stood there. Motionless as she tried to figure out what was going on.
“Sir are you alright? Let me take your temperature” she said worryingly as she tried pressing her hoof against Anon’s forehead.
“I’m fine, I just think that being in this hot tub has given me great clarity,” Anon explained.
“Well, keep up the good work your majesty, shall I have these implemented?“ Crystal asked.
“Yep, oh and fetch me a soda while you’re up please” Anon responded.
“Anon!”
Yet another hour of peaceful soaking was ruined by an interruption.
This time by Twilight barging in.
“What were you thinking!?” She yelled.
“Do my guards just not do their job anymore?” Anon asked, ignoring the question.
“Necromancers, vampires, VOODOO!? You placed a town of monsters right next to Ponyville!” Twilight continued to yell.
“Hey they aren’t monsters they just use magic to make them. Besides, I'm giving everypony a chance. By the way do you have wings?” Anon explained before noticing the pair of purple wings on the former unicorn’s back.
“While you were away I completed an ancient spell using my knowledge of friendship and became an alicorn. But that’s not the point, I-“ Twilight explained.
“You used friendship to become an alicorn, the skill that EVERY child other than you can develop on instinct… I call bull” Anon said, smashing X to doubt Twilight’s story.
“That’s not the. I. Ugh! What’s the point trying to argue with you!” Twilight groaned in frustration.
“There isn’t, never was and never will be. Now it’s time for me to ask YOU another question” Anon stated.
“What?” Twilight tiredly asked.
“Ok actually it's two but I’ll let you ask two in a row after” he explained.
“Ok 1. Do you know a spell to make artificial brains because the ghouls need them to keep their intelligence and 2. Am I the only one who hears that ticking noise?” Anon asked.
Now that her mind had switched from anger to annoyance Twilight could hear a ticking noise.
“It started shortly after I got the hot tub, it was soothing at first but now it’s getting on my nerves” Anon said, looking over the sides of his hot tub, following the sound of the noise until he got the back of it.
There, glued to the back of the royal hot tub, was a piece of pipe with several wires wrapped around and an alarm clock stuck to it.
The hands on the clock were just a few seconds away from striking twelve.
“Oh look my hot tub came with a pipe bomb- OH FUCK!” Anon yelled as the bomb exploded.
Luckily he and Twilight survived.
But the hot tub did not.
AN: The King did not take kindly to Anon rizzing his Queen.
Forcibly reclined on a hospital bed, with both his hind legs and left front leg wrapped in plaster, he held the remains of his beloved hot tub in his last functioning limb. His wails of sorrow could be heard across the royal ward.
Which he shared solely with Twilight, who like Anon had plastered lower legs and an eyepatch covering her left eye.
Looking over to his fellow royal Anon continued to sob.
“It should have been you,” he cried.
Unamused at the whole situation, Twilight simply read her book. Aware that Anon was simply going through a mixture of grief and an overdose of morphine. Due to the thestral mistaking it for coke and trying to drink it.
“King Anon, your family is here to visit” Redheart said, leading Cream Heart, Button, Albus, the twins and Rosa in.
“Hi Anon, you doing ok?” Button asked.
“My beloved hot tub is gone! I was this close to solving world hunger Button, I WAS THIS CLOSE!” Anon cried, holding his hoof up. Of course none of them knew what he was trying to do, because ponies don’t have fingers.
“Still, at least my family came to support me in these trying times,” Anon said, sniffling slightly.
He really fucking loved that hot tub.
“I’m just here to see if you’re dead or not,” Rosa said coldly.
“Aw, worried about your dear old papa?” Anon asked, hoping his genocidal adopted daughter was concerned for his health.
“No” she shut him down.
She loves him deep down. VERY deep down. Under a ten foot wall of lead.
“As I am, on paper only, your daughter I have a claim to your throne, if you die I get an empire. Magehold has been a little cramped for a while now” she explained.
Cream Heart quickly moved her children a hoof step away from the necromancer.
“You don’t have to pretend for me Rosie, I can feel the anguish you have seeing me in this state” Anon dismissed her cold attitude.
“I think you’ve just run out of painkillers,” Rosa corrected.
Looking at the empty morphine drip Anon realised that’s probably where the pain in his legs is coming from.
“Ah, that explains it” Anon said.
“But never mind my incredible pain, we have more pressing matters to discuss” Anon explained.
“That’s right, who’d want to try and kill you?” Cream Heart asked.
“Do you want the short list or the long?” Twilight asked in a sarcastic tone.
“I know where you keep your Twilestia fanfics” Anon threatened.
“What’s Twilestia?” Button asked.
“You’ll find out when you’re older” Anon stated.
“But” Button tried to protest.
“When you’re older,” Anon insisted.
“I think I know,” a new voice said.
Walking into the ward, Princess Celestia and Luna looked on in shock at the state of the newest princess and the bad smell she hadn’t been able to shake off.
“Princess! H-how long have you been standing there?” Twilight asked nervously. The secret of her massive fanfic collection is now in danger.
“I just got here in time to hear ‘who'd want to try and kill you?” She explained.
“Who is the target of my wrath?” Anon asked, his voice becoming an uncharacteristic level of seriousness.
“Considering its origins, it’s possible that the Saddle Arabian royal family or at least those loyal to them are behind this” Celestia suggested.
“That’s it, get me seven Boeing B-52 and several cruise missiles. It’s operation desert storm time” Anon stated, confusing everyone what a Boeing B-52 was.
“Now Anon it’s just a theory, I strongly advise against any retaliation until we know for certain” Celestia warned.
“They blew up my hot tub!” Anon argued.
“And almost killed us” Twilight reminded him.
“Not now Twiggles the monarchs are talking” Anon dismissed her rightful concerns.
“What did you do to make Saddle Arabia hate you?” Rosa asked, having spent most of the conversation intensely glaring at Celestia.
“I honestly have no idea,” Anon suggested.
“Anon you called their Queen a milf to her face” Luna stated bluntly.
“And I was right!” Anon argued.
“Excuse me, what?” Cream Heart asked. Wondering if she’d need to smack him or not.
“Don’t worry it was way before we met” Anon explained.
“Mom, what's a milf?” Button asked.
“A fact,” Anon answered lookin Cream in the eyes.
“Perhaps talking about this in front of the children was a mistake. We’ll come back later hun” Cream said, planning a kiss on Anon’s forehead.
Carrying the foals off, Rosa followed shortly behind. Still glaring at the princesses.
“Anon I don’t trust that unicorn” Luna stated.
“She’s fine, she’s just quirky” Anon dismissed their worries.
“She's the leader of a city of the undead,” Luna pointed out.
“I can fix her,” Anon argued.
Looking to Twilight then back to Anon, Celestia let out a heavy sigh.
“Anon, it’s wonderful that you’re giving ponies a chance, but promise me you won’t be disappointed if it turns out she doesn’t plan to change” Celestia asked.
“I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it, until then I’m giving those weirdos every chance to be a part of the Empire. Speaking of which reminds me, stop letting all those goth mares into my borders” Anon said, his voice turning from calm to agitated halfway through.
The princesses were well and truly confused by his second sentence.
“I’m sorry, what?” Celestia asked. Completely unaware of what the fuck he was talking about.
“Ever since Magehold got here there’s been a steady stream of teenage goth mares coming into my territory hoping to get bit by vampires or some shit. It’s making everyone uncomfortable and they keep mistaking the thestrals for vampires. Half my court is filled with complaints because some mare walked up to a thestral and asked to be their ‘eternal slave of the night’ if one more mare sexually harasses my subjects I’m putting up a wall!” Anon explained.
This was… truly disturbing to Celestia and Luna.
“So… young mares actually WANT to get bitten by vampires?” Celestial asked.
The concept seemed… weird to her. Vampires had always been feared throughout most of Equestrian history, the sudden tone shift made the Princess of the Sun uncomfortable.
“Something is deeply wrong with thy generation Anon” Luna stated.
“You’re telling me, I’ve had to employ extra janitors to clean up the trails of drool they’re leaving behind. At least I’m praying to every god in human history that it’s drool” Anon explained.
“There is another issue here, the ghouls” Twilight pointed out.
“Yeah what about them?” Anon asked.
“Vampires need blood to survive and ghouls need flesh, especially brains to maintain their intelligence. Without a fresh supply of both they will turn on the crystal ponies” she warned.
“I’m working on it” Anon stated.
“Oh really?” Luna asked doubtfully.
“Luna” Celestia said sternly.
“Before the tragic loss of my beloved hot tub I was implementing a blood bank system, that way they won’t go nuts and try to bite the population who aren’t into that shit. As for the ghoul situation I’ve been in contact with some nerds from Canterlot-“ Anon began before Twilight interrupted him.
“Esteemed magic researchers” she corrected.
“Some NERDS from Canterlot about the possibility of artificially grown brains. I’ve already agreed to give them a generous grant to start researching it. Short term wise I’m still figuring that out but from what Rosa has told me their stores are large enough to sustain them for now” Anon continued.
Surprised by the shere competence Anon was showing Celestia couldn’t help but smile. He genuinely looked as if he was growing from a madstallion into a properly matured leader.
“Now about war with Arabia” Anon said, undoing all the newly enshrined faith she had in him.
“Anon you’re not invading Saddle Arabia. I'm going to visit them myself, see if this is true, then you and their royals are going to sit down and talk this out like adults” Celestia shut him down.
“You can’t tell me what to do, you're in my castle!” Anon protested.
“Yes, and you’re in a cast” Celestia stated.
Looking down at his immobile state Anon glared at Celestia.
“You win this round you cake stuffing horse” he said reluctantly.
Leaving a series of get well soon gifts on both their bedsides, the princesses left Twilight and Anon alone for a while.
“So… have the girls visited?” Anon asked.
“Yes, luckily you took the full brunt of the blast, they visited while you were asleep” Twilight explained.
“Good good” Anon said, mentally twiddling his thumbs.
Silence continued to penetrate the room for a while, only the sound of Twilight flipping pages in her book being heard.
“So you’re a princess now, how’s that working out for you?” Anon asked.
“It’s fine” she responded with a neutral tone.
Using his vast knowledge of the female sex Anon could tell everything was indeed not fine. Mostly because whenever he’s been told that in the past it was followed with a break up or a mugging.
“Twiggles~” Anon said in a sing song voice.
Ignoring him, Twilight continued to read her book.
“Twily”
“Twily”
“Twily”
“Twily”
“Twily”
“Twily”
“Twily”
“Twily”
“Twily”
“WHAT!?” She yelled.
“Tell me what’s wrong?” Anon insisted.
Knowing she’d make her own legs worse trying to move closer to choke him, and having her magic drained from recovering, Twilight had to admit she lost.
“I- I guess that deep down, I feel like I’m not cut out to be the Princess of Friendship. Its only been a few years since I got friends so I feel like I’m not ready to help all of Equestria with their friendships” Twilight monologued.
Feeling a kindred spirit, Anon thought how he could make her feel better.
“Twilight, our destiny very rarely comes when we’re ready for it. But we can’t escape it” he said.
“I know” she sighed, his efforts doing very little to improve her mood.
“Ok that didn’t work, let’s try a diffrent approach” Anon thought to himself.
“Listen, there are three kinds of people, those who were born great, Alexander, Augustus, then there are those who had greatness thrust upon them, Winston Churchill, Teddy Roosevelt, and finally there are those who are a mixture of both like me” Anon monologued.
Giving him the stone face treatment Twilight wasn’t buying it.
“What I’m trying to say is for better or worse you are who you are. And I’m sure that if you believe in yourself and lean in your friends, you’ll go on to do great things” Anon finished.
Slowly, a smile crept on to Twilight’s face. Her previously sad and doubtful apperance melting away.
“Thanks Anon, you’re good at these speeches you know?” Twilight thanked.
“I have my moments” Anon responded.
“Even if they are few and far between” Twilight giggled jokingly.
“I have enough movement to OD you on morphine while you sleep” Anon stated.
Still not sure if he was joking or not.
“Heeeeeeeeeey Anon” Cadance said nervously as she slid into the ward.
“Hey Cadence,” Anon greeted.
“I was trying to fill in for you but we hit a snag” Cadence explained.
“I’m sorry what?” Anon asked.
“Well I was trying to hold court but all they wanted to talk about was the mares that keep coming her due to the vampires moving in so I tried to steer us back on track but they kept pushing and I kind of accidentally banned any pony entering he country in a fit of stress. You good with that key bye!” Cadence explained before disappearing in a could of pink smoke.
“Wait what?” Anon asked, not getting an answer from the fleeing princess.
“My family is so messed up” Twilight admitted.
“It could be worse, you could have married me back when I was going to be deported” Anon said, making her feel slightly better.
AN: had to rewrite the ending due to a timeline error. Flurry isn’t meant to be born until season 5 I think and Tirek hasn’t shown up yet.
“Hey Twilight?” Anon asked, moving his gaze away from the hospital ceiling to Twilight sat in the bed next to him.
“Yeah?” She said in response.
“You’ve gotten more powerful since becoming an alicorn right?” Anon asked.
“Yes” she confirmed.
“Have you tried doing the kamehameha wave?” Anon asked.
Blinking a second Twilight wasn’t familiar with the term.
“I’m sorry Anon but, what?” She asked.
“The kamehameha wave, when you focus all your energy into a singular ball of fuck you energy and fire it to completely annihilated your enemy” Anon said, explaining the single greatest attack in anime history.
Completely perplexed by the concept, Twilight scratched her head in confusion.
“Anon, I don’t TRY to hurt anypony. Even if they’re bad I won’t do anything more than try and stop them. Also that just sounds like any other energy attack” Twilight stated.
“Yes but you have to say it while you’re doing it,” Anon said.
“Anon, why would you announce the name of your attack?” She asked.
“It just looks way cooler,” Anon explained.
Rolling her eyes, Twilight went back to her book.
The two would spend another month recovering before their wounds would healed to a point they could walk about again.
Free from the hospital Anon returned to his daily life.
After another day as absolute monarch he returned home. But he wasn’t his usual cheery if not insane self.
Cream had noticed this, once the kids had gone to bed she confronted him about it.
“Anon, somethings wrong, you can tell me,” Cream said.
Hesitating for a moment, Anon let out a sigh.
“Cream, I’ve been in danger due to a lot of wild stuff over the last few years. But that bomb was the first thing that genuinely came close to taking me out. I don’t know what or when the next one of those is coming. But it made me think” Anon began.
“Cream, I love you. There isn’t a thing I’d rather do than spend the rest of my life with you” he continued.
Cream had gone through this before, but her eyes still went wide as she realised what was happening.
“So… you wanna get married?” Anon asked, sheepishly stumbling over his words.
Throwing herself onto him, Cream wrapped Anon in a tight hug.
“Yes! Yes I’ll marry you!” She said, sounding as happy as he could remember her sounding.
“Wow, that was way easier than I thought” Anon thought.
But while both were more than happy to tie the knot there was one thing that would give them a headache.
Planning the damn thing.
“So what were you two thinking for your big day?” Cadence asked.
Considering her own wedding wasn’t that long ago Anon and Cream asked Cadence for help planning theirs.
After she stopped squealing like a fangirl meeting any generic boy band member.
“Well neither of us want anything particularly big or flashy” Cream explained.
“Yeah, I’m happy with just some close friends and family getting together,” Anon agreed.
“That sounds great, so who were you thinking of inviting?” Cadence asked.
“Well my parents obviously, the kids, you and Shining are our friends of course, Cup Cake and I are good friends, Anon can you think of anypony?” Cream asked.
“Just the girls, Celly, Luna, Big Mac and Spike,” Anon said.
“Ok, and you’ve already said you’re getting cake from the… Cakes” Cadence said.
“If you want I can handle everything else, which leaves the two of you with planning your bachelor and bachelorette parties” Cadence said.
…
“Vegas,” Anon said.
Looking at each other, Shining and Big Mac looked back at Anon in confusion.
“Sorry, I meant Las Pegasus” Anon corrected himself.
“Yeah I don’t think that’s a good idea, YOU in the city famous for gambling?” Shining asked.
“Oh come on it’ll be fine, we’ll see the sights, party like it’s 1999 and commit every sin imaginable. Other than lust of course because I’m getting married, you are married and Big Mac is using my old house to bone his marefriend” Anon said.
Looking at Big Mac, Shining watched the stallion shrug before letting out a sigh.
“Well it’s your bachelor party” Shining said.
“Sweet! Pack your things boys because we’re heading to Vegas!” Anon declared proudly.
“Las Pegasus” Shining corrected.
“Same difference” Anon said.
…
In a loud stripclub in Manehattan, Cream, the Mane 6 and the Princesses sat watching stallions dance on stage.
“WOOOO! Shake what your mama gave ya!” Pinkie cheered, throwing a bag of bits at one of the dancers.
Unfortunately the poor colt was knocked out as the bag hit his head.
“Pinkie you’re not supposed to do that” Rarity chided.
“Then how do you make it rain?” Pinkie asked.
Rainbow pulled out a stack of paper and passed some to Pinkie.
“You go to the bar and give them some bits and they give you these,” Rainbow explained.
“Oh, okie dokie loki pokie” Pinkie said, before yeeting the stack of paper, knocking out yet another dancer.
Giggling slightly, Cadence looked over to Cream Heart, the older mare blushing profusely.
“Everything is ok Cream?” She asked.
“Oh I’m fine, I just haven’t been in one of these clubs since before I was married the first time” Cream admitted.
“Darling we can leave if you’re uncomfortable” Rarity offered.
Shaking her head, Cream Heart gave the girls a smile “it’s fine girls really, it’s just the pre-wedding jitters, and I can't complain about the view” she reassured them. Giving a pair of zebras on stage a wink as they made eye contact.
“Pinkie, stop knocking out the dancers!” Rainbow yelled.
“But how else will they pay off their college debts!?” Pinkie argued.
“Plus, I’m sure Anon’s sat in a club just like this, watching mares do things just as dirty” Cream added, having a mental image of Anon in her situation flash through her head.
“Cadence we have a code red” Luna whispered.
“What’s the matter Auntie?” She whispered back.
“Tia got drunk at the bar and was soliciting one of the dancers, then she fell over,” Luna explained.
Over at the bar Celestia was giggling on the floor.
“That lordship is still up for grabs, also you look even better from down here~” she said in a slurred but sultry tone to the frankly confused and uncomfortable looking pegasus in front of her.
…
“Huh, it’s hard to believe that an entire tribe of buffalos once lived here” Anon said reading the sign.
In the deserts below Las Pegasus, Anon, Shining and Big Mac looked over the sight that was once home to a buffalo tribe.
All around them were various recreations of traditional buffalo settlements and camps, complete with wooden figurines of the buffalo themselves.
Since arriving in the Las Pegasus area, the three had been to two museums, a buffalo reserve and an all you can eat buffet.
“You know, when you said you wanted to go Las Pegasus for your bachelor party I was expecting something… different” Shining admitted.
“Oh poor poor Shiny, this is only the clam before the first raindrops, and then…” Anon began.
Becoming a little nervous, Shining and Big Mac looked at each other.
“Before?” Shining asked.
Anon looked at the two, smiling almost sadistically.
“Noah” he said.
Neither knew what the hell that meant, but it scared them.
They were right to be afraid. …
Twilight stood her ground against Tirek. The colossal centaur had
“KaaaaaaMeeeeee”
“What are you doing?” Tirek asked, confused by Twilight’s actions.
“HaaaaaaMeeeeee”
Tirek let out a laugh, his confidence on full display “is that really your big plan? Fire off another basic magic blast!?” He laughed.
“HAAAAAA!” Twilight roared, firing off a huge blue magical blast.
Responding, Tirek fired off another magic blast. The two beams collided with each other. Sending a shockwave across the whole of Equestria.
“You know it’s really lucky these things don’t explode on impact with each other” Pinkie said.
As the beam struggle intensified, both Twilight and Tirek were pushed back by the recoil.
“You foolish little pony! I can’t be stopped by mindless force! Soon I’ll have all the magic in Equestria and there’s nothing you can do about it!” Tirek mocked.
“There’s one thing you’ve underestimated Tirek, the one magic that you can’t steal, the magic of friendship!”
With her faith in the magic of friendship behind her, Twilight’s beam overpowered Tirek’s.
Being engulfed by the beam, Tirek was sent flying into the distance.
Exhausted, Twilight was barely able to stand up.
“Twilight! We found the magic chest thingy!” Pinkie called out.
“Yaaay” Twilight said tiredly before collapsing.
…
Several hours later the train carrying Anon, Big Mac and Shining returned.
“Now that was a party to remember” Anon chuckled as he stepped off the train.
“Mares. Mares everywhere, why didn’t they respect my personal space?” Big Mac asked as he stepped off on shaking legs. Looking like a soldier who had just come back from a war.
“Oh come on if you were single you would have loved that” Anon dismissed.
“Well at least you had fun, but next time we go on a boys trip we need to keep a closer eye on yo-“ Shining said as they saw the devastation spread over the Greater Ponyville area.
“Anon, what did you do?” Shining asked.
“Nothing” Anon stated.
“Nothing? You mean something’s broken and it isn’t your fault?” Shining asked suspiciously.
“Hi girls, how was Manehattan?” Anon asked as if he wasn’t just trapped on an island for a night.
“Rarity disappeared into a hotel with two zebra colts and-“ Pinkie began to explain before having her mouth covered by a blushing Rarity.
Chuckling, Anon looked over to the town.
“Everyone ok?” Anon asked.
“Shook up but yeah they’re ok” Twilight said.
“Twily what happened?” Shining asked.
“A giant magic eating centaur, Twilight blasted him all the way to Tartarus with a HUGE beam of magic” Rainbow explained.
Looking over to the blushing princess, Anon couldn’t help but smirk.
“Twilight~” Anon sang in a teasing way.
“Please no” she begged, covering her face with her wings.
“You used the kamehameha wave~” he teased.
“Well that was then and now is now! Can we please just move on?” Twilight said.
Everyone shared a chuckle at Twilight’s embarrassed look.
“Hey I’m not too late for the wedding am I?” Anon asked, giving Twilight a way out.
Frantically, Twilight spun around and headed towards Crystal City.
“Right! Yes! Come on Anon, let's get married!” She said quickly.
“What?” Anon asked.
“I said let’s get you married!” Twilight lied.
Following the girls back to the castle, Anon was lured into the Crystal Heart’s chamber.
Waiting there were the girls, the kids, the Cakes and the Princesses.
“This was set up quickly,” Anon commented.
“Pinkie magic Nonny, now get in position!” Pinkie said, pushing him to the altar.
Waiting a few minutes before Cream arrived. Wearing a white dress as she walked up to the altar.
Performing the ceremony, Celestia had chosen to not wear her crown on the occasion.
“Mares and gentlecolts, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Anonymous and Cream Heart in holy matrimony. If anyone knows why these two should not be joined please speak now or forever hold your peace” Celestia began.
No one raised their hoof other than Luna.
“Yes Luna?” Celestia asked, almost sounding tired as she did.
“Every time he’s left alone chaos falls from the skies” Luna pointed out.
“Dude if I get married I’ll have proportionally less time alone” Anon pointed out.
“In that case I retract my comment” Luna said, lowering her hoof.
“For now” she whispered.
“Anypony else?” Celestia asked.
After a brief moment of silence she continued.
“Anon, do you take this mare to be your wife, to live together in matrimony, to love her, to honor her, to comfort her, and to keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?” She asked.
“I do” Anon said, smiling as he did.
“And do you Cream Heart do you take this stallion to be your husband, to live together in matrimony, to love him, to honor him, to comfort him, and to keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?” She asked turning to Cream Heart.
“I do” she said.
“With all parties having given their consent the couple will now exchange vows” Celesita said.
“Oh shit I forgot to write anything, I was soo busy running from the mob then running the mob I forgot!” Anon’s head panicked to itself.
The entire room turned to Anon, who tried to beat to hide his panic under a smile.
“Ok it’s ok, say the first thing that comes to mind” his head thought.
“Wait a minute this is the first thing to come to mind!” It began to panic.
Taking in a deep breath, Anon gave an all or nothing monologue.
“Cream Heart, when I first arrived here all I could think about was getting home. Then I got turned into a thestral by an unnamed unicorn after she got into my home made hooch” Anon began.
Sat in her seat, sweating profusely, Twilight muttered to herself.
“I said I was sorry”
“After that all I could think of was getting back my old body then getting home. But now I’m here all I can think of is, thank you, thank you for bringing me home” Anon finished, with a surprising amount of rizz.
Resisting the urge to kiss him right there and then after that speech, Cream took her turn.
“Anon, I can’t lie I didn’t expect you to come into my life the way you did” she began, not mentioning they met on a drunken bender.
“But I’m glad that you did, my life, both our lives (she looks at Button) feel more full with you in them. I won’t forget the past, but I love you for being in my future” she finished.
Discord, disguised in the background, almost vomit at this show of affection. But Fluttershy shot him one of her glares™️ so he held it in.
(Cream didn’t want him at the wedding, so Anon put a lampshade over his head so he could come. Don’t ask how it worked only that it did)
“With the power invested in me by…” Celestia began before suddenly stopping.
The room looked at her with minor concern, Anon raising an eyebrow.
“Well um, me I guess” she chuckled sheepishly.
“I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss the-“ she continued, being interrupted by Cream almost slamming her face against Anon’s engaging in borderline lewd levels of making out.
“The bride” Celestia finished.
The guests applauded, happy for the new couple.
Except for Rosa, who was busy covering Button’s eyes.
“Hey Big Mac, isn’t it slightly weird to be at your ex-husband’s wedding?” Applejack whispered.
“Eeyep” Big Mac whispered back.
“Alright ladies, catch!” Cream said, finally allowing Anon to breath as she threw the bouquet.
Despite Rarity’s best efforts the flowers landed in Pinkie’s lap.
Holding up the bunch of roses, Pinkie looked over at Big Mac. Giving the stallion a wink before giggling to herself.
They both knew she was joking, but that didn’t make him any less squeamish.
Like that, Anon and Cream Heart became husband and wife, King and Queen.
And then they fucked.
HARD.
AN: Ok I’ve gotten more than one comment about it, do you guys think Cream and Anon should let Twiggles in on their relationship or not?
Also the adventures of Las Pegasus deserve their own chapter
Inside the Necromancer Council’s chamber, the strongest among their ranks had met to discuss their current situation.
“We’re in the heartland of Equestria, now is the perfect chance to expand. In a few months we could overthrow the Princesses and take the continent for ourselves” one of them said.
“No Night Wraith” Rosa stated.
The council was taken aback by their de facto leader’s words.
“What’s the matter Rosa? Scared that your Papa may get mad?” Night Wraith said mockingly.
“No, are you fools too blind to see it? We’re surrounded on all sides, dependent on his empire for resources and protection. Even with all our might we can’t fight the whole of Equestria” Rosa explained.
“Then what are our options?” Another lich asked.
“All we can do now is play along with his game, and hope we can find an opening in his plans” Rosa explained.
“Now onto the next topic, the vampires are complaining again about” Rosa said before taking a look at the clipboard with the day’s agenda on it.
“Big teet goth mares hurassing them” she read out.
“Can’t they just eat them?” Night Wraith asked.
“Apparently not, they lose their appetite when their food is into it” Rosa explained.
…
“Anon, get out of the tank,” Cadence demanded.
“You’re not my dad” Anon informed her.
Confused why he’d even suggest she thinks she is, Cadence spread her wings and flew onto the top of the tank.
“Ok, I’ll rephrase that. Anon, WHY are you in the tank?” Cadence asked.
Now stood on a twelve foot tall, twelve foot wide and thirty three foot long armoured tank, Cadence looked down at Anon. Whose head was popping out the commander’s hatch.
“Better question, why AREN'T YOU in a tank? Take your pick” Anon offered.
Parked by the larger tank were a series of smaller tanks ranging from light to medium.
“Anon that’s not the answer and you know it” Cadence stated. Having almost reached her daily Anon limit.
And it was only ten in the morning.
“Well you know how my mother-in-law came for the wedding?” Anon asked.
“Yes?” Cadence asked.
“Well she’s still here,” Anon explained.
Cream Heart’s mother never liked Anon, and she was very vocal about it.
“And… What does this have to do with the tank?” Cadence asked, wondering what part of this giant military machine had to do with it.
“Well officially Tirek is the reason for me being here. He got uncomfortably close to destroying my nice clean Empire so I’m militarising. But in reality I’m avoiding that bitch-queen until she leaves. Plus tanks are fun” Anon explained.
Ok that explained a lot.
“Anon, you can’t live in a tank” Cadence informed him.
“Oh on the contrary, it’s really spacious here” Anon stated.
“That’s because it’s nearly three times the height of the average pony. How is this thing even supposed to be useful on a battlefield? It's a massive target” Cadence argued, bringing the size of the machine into question.
“Hence the 128mm cannon and eight inches of hull armour” Anon pointed out the huge cannon pointing out of the main turret.
Next to it was a smaller 75mm cannon.
“Please tell me you don’t plan to use this thing” she asked, her voice becoming worried.
“Nah don’t worry, these things will only see action if the Empire gets attacked, or Equestria gets attacked, or if Grover gets attacked, or the communists are involved” Anon explained.
That didn’t put Cadence at ease.
Unfortunately before she could explain further why spending vast amounts of money on military posturing for the sake of hiding from his mother-in-law was financially irresponsible, a guard interrupted them.
“Forgive me your majesty but your mother-in-law is coming this way” he warned.
“Right, talk to you later Cadence” Anon said before disappearing into the tank and closing the hatch.
Walking into the storage room the tanks were held in. An older looking mare resembling a grey maned Cream Heart looked around. Her cutie mark resembling a heart with several flowers around it.
Trotting over, Cadence chose to greet her in Anon’s place.
“Hello Lush Heart, how may I help you?” She said politely.
Bowing in front of the Princess of Love, Lush Heart smiled at Cadence.
“Forgive me for the intrusion your highness, I was just looking for that no-good son-in-law of mine,” she explained, showing no regard for how she talked about Anon.
It took a full two seconds before Cadence chose whether or not to tell her Anon was in the tank.
“I haven’t seen him all day I’m afraid” Cadence lied.
Lush Heart grumbled a little “typical, never around when he’s needed. Say, would you do me the honour of joining Cream and I for some tea?” Lush invited.
“I’d be delighted” Cadence accepted as the two started walking out of the room.
Unknown to the two mares, the turret of the tank Anon was hidden in was slowly moving to face them. Its main cannon aimed directly at Lush Heart.
“Come on, let me do it!” Anon grunted as he tried to wrestle the heavy shell from Spike’s grasp.
“Anon no! I know she’s annoying but you might hit Cadence!” Spike said.
Seeing the baby dragon’s 300 IQ logic, Anon relented. Allowing Spike to return the shell (that was much larger than his body) to ammo storage.
Sat in the small kitchen they had managed to fit in the large vehicle, the two enjoyed a pot of tea and some crackers.
“Sorry you couldn’t come with us to Las Pegasus buddy” Anon apologised. Twilight lets him get away with a lot but taking a baby dragon to a casino wasn’t one of them.
“It’s ok, I’m not into that stuff anyways, plus I had fun foal sitting, even if it did take me a day to unreverse my colour pallet” Spike admitted. Still curious how String Theory turned him green with purple spikes instead of purple with green spikes.
But it was pointless trying to figure her out at this point.
“Yeah, I’ve created a monster, an adorable monster,” Anon chuckled.
The two enjoyed their chat for another hour, speaking about random gibberish until an actual topic popped back up.
“So how’s married life?” Spike asked.
“It’s been great, well it’s mostly the same as before but it's just… FEELS better somehow. Although that may be down to the fact that ever since we hired Pinkie to help take care of the kids Cream and I have been having even more rough, hardcore se-“ Anon monologues before Spike shoving another cup of tea in his face.
“Hey thanks man,” Anon thanked.
Spike let out a sigh, resting his head in his claw while looking dreamily at nothing.
“I wish me and Rarity had that kind of relationship,” he said.
Putting his cup down, Anon calmed his nerves. Knowing now was the time to give our little simp ‘the talk’
“Spike, have you ever considered maybe there’s a REASON you and Rarity aren’t coltfriend and marefriend?“ Anon asked.
Spike tilted his head, unable to figure out what Anon was trying to get at.
“Do… Do you think she’s not into dragons?” He asked.
Facehoofing himself Anon realised this was going to be harder than he thought.
“Because I’m sure I could get Twilight to turn me into a pony like she did you if it would help” Spike said.
“Spike, that's not the answer” Anon stated.
“Then what do I have to do!?” He asked, standing up in frustration.
“Nothing, Spike a time comes in every man… it colt… or baby dragon’s life that they have to admit when they’ve lost” Anon stated.
“But I love Rarity! Everything about her makes me feel all warm inside” Spike said.
“I know but sometimes love is a one way road, take it from someone who’s outside looking in. You can spend years pining for Rarity but it’s not going to work. You’re a literal child and she’s a fully grown mare. What’s your master plan? Keep gushing over her until you’re an adult?” Anon asked, becoming more firm in talking to the dragon.
“If that’s what it takes!” Spike shot back.
“Spike if you can get Rarity to like you back I’ll give you enough gems to give you every type of diabetes, which I refuse to believe is real but if it was you’d have it” Anon bet.
“You have a bet! Wait, you don’t think diabetes is real?” Spike asked, his anger vanishing for a second.
“If it's real, why is it so hard to spell?” Anon asked.
“It’s not that hard,” Spike commented.
“The point I’m trying to make is that you shouldn’t spend your childhood chasing a girl who’s WAY too old for you. If you call it quits you’ll find a girl your own age who’ll like you back. It’s at least worth a try, if it fails Rarity’s still gonna be here” Anon argued.
“Then how come you get to be married to a mare who’s ten years older than you?” Spike pointed out.
“That’s simple, I’m an adult. If you and Rarity had sex she’d go to prison, if me and Cream have sex I get high fives from everyone who finds out” Anon explained “we are not the same” he added.
Interrupting the massive pile of Spike shaped foreshadowing, the two heard a clunk noise come from the top of the tank.
“She found me. Spike, get the guns” Anon ordered, pointing at the locked metal box saying “rifles”
Instead of doing that, Spike climbed up and opened the hatch.
“Is she there?” Anon asked, wielding a wrench with intent to kill.
“Well there’s A she, just not Cream’s mom” Spike said climbing down the hatch.
Unlike when he went up, Spike was now covered in foals. Albus, Strong Tooth and String Theory to be precise.
“How the hell did they get up there?” Anon asked.
“Maybe they snuck out of their nursery. We should probably get them back” Spike suspected.
“Yes, that would be the responsible thing to do” Anon said, managing to pull Strong Tooth off of Spike’s drool soaked head.
“Oooooor~” Anon added mischievously.
…
“Bah!” Albus said as he pressed a big red button, sending another shell firing out the cannon, annihilating another tree.
“Yay!” Anon said as Albus giggled in his arms.
A few miles west, Anon, Spike, Button, Cream’s dad Fluffy Bonce and his kids had been blowing stuff to bits in the tank for close to an hour.
“These kids got amazing aim, reminds me of my days back as a merc in Griffonia,” Fluff said, impressed that all four of the kids had destroyed their targets with maximum efficiency and maximum cuteness.
“I have never been so proud of anyone in my life” Anon agreed, wiping a tear away from his eye.
“Thanks for letting us come, Anon” Button thanked, having taken out a few trees himself once Anon and Fluffy showed him the controls.
“Yeah I should thank you too, firing off a giant cannon makes me feel young again” Fluffy thanked.
“And thank you for being way way cooler than I thought you’d be” Anon thanked.
“And what is that supposed to mean?” He asked.
“Well if you weren’t this cool you wouldn’t have let your grandkids get into a tank” Anon explained.
Suddenly, for the second time today, a noise came from outside the tank.
“Yo Anon! Our race still on or what!?” The familiar voice of Rainbow Dash called out.
“Dang it Rainbow I’m having family time here” Anon said as he popped his head out of the command hatch.
“Come on Anon, I've been waiting months for this race!” Button almost begged.
“Yeah, I’ve been training 20% harder to kick your butt” Rainbow backed him up.
And like that Anon’s investment in Button’s opinion of him and his ego were both challenged.
“Hey kids you wanna see Papa fly circles around Auntie Dashie?” Anon asked confidently. Getting excited noises from Albus and the Twins, Anon smirks at Dash.
“First one to Celly’s old place and back wins” Anon said.
“Deal!” Rainbow agreed.
After careful calculations Anon came to the conclusion he couldn’t win the race inside his tank. Therefore he got out of it.
Making a starting line in the dirt, Anon and Rainbow readied to race off.
“Alright, on your mark, get set, go!” Spike yelled.
Shooting off over the Everfree, Anon and Rainbow continually overtook each other every couple seconds.
Feeling the wind flow over them, the two racers searched the horizon for the Castle of the Two Sisters.
Slowly at first, then quickly it came into sight.
Seeing it, Anon dived down towards it, moving like a shell being fired at its target.
Clicking onto it, Rainbow dived as well. While he had a head start, Anon was quickly overtaken by Rainbow. The flyer’s greater speed makes a clear difference.
Beating Anon to the castle, Rainbow was forced to pull up in order to avoid hitting the ruins. Soaring away in the opposite direction from where she approached before looping back.
Anon on the other hand-hoof, began flapping his leathery wings hard once he started approaching the castle. Managing to pull up close enough his hooves could touch the entrance to the gates, Anon started racing back to the starting line ahead of Rainbow.
“Not today Anon!” Rainbow called out.
Flapping her wings faster and faster, Rainbow quickly built up enough momentum to close the distance.
As the two approached the finish line Rainbow’s speed only got faster and faster until-
BOOM
For miles in every direction you could see a sonic rainboom shining over the Everfree.
“HAHA! FUCK YOU RAINBOW, AMERICA WINS A- OH SHIIIII-“ he yelled out before the shockwave of the rain-boom hit him. Before the light engulfed him, Anon could see Rainbow zoom past him, crossing the finish line and winning by a landslide.
…
Later, once again in the royal hospital. Anon laid on his stomach while his wings were sealed in plaster.
“And what have we learnt?” Twilight asked in the tone of a mother scolding her foal.
“Don’t challenge the mare who can break the sound barrier to a race” Anon said, using a very grumpy tone.
“And don’t you forget it” Rainbow said cockily, while holding a get well soon balloon and a “I’m sorry” greeting card.
“Yeah well you’re a bottom for Spitfire so I still win” Anon stated, making the pegasus go bright red.
“Why you! Let me at em!” Rainbow said, rage in her eyes as she tried to lunge at Anon, only to be stopped by Twilight putting up a magic barrier.
“It’s like having foals” she thought to herself watching Rainbow try to punch through the barrier to no avail.
AN: So we agree Spike is winning that bet right? Not because I ship it but because it’s funnier than Anon winning.
“Weeeeeeee!” Anon squealed with joy as the roller coaster shot down the track. The sound of screaming ponies all around him.
Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves… other than Rosa, who sat next to him with a frankly bored expression as the coaster flew about.
At Cream Heart’s suggestion, Anon took Rosa on a father/daughter bonding trip to the Pony Island amusement park.
Far, far away from Ponyville.
(She just wanted the necromancer away from her kids)
“That was fun, did you like it Rosie?” Anon asked as they got off.
Staring at him with a blank face, Rosa just continued to walk alongside him.
“Ok not a roller coaster girl, hey there’s something you might like” Anon said.
Nestled between two coasters was a classic looking haunted house.
“Bones and crying children? This is definitely something you’d enjoy” Anon said as he watched a stallion chasing after two crying fillies he assumed were said stallion’s daughters.
The haunted house itself wasn’t that scary. A few plastic skeletons, some cotton weaved to look like cobwebs and a park employee dressed as a zombie whom Rosa made soil himself.
“Why are you doing this?” Rosa asked, stopping in the middle of the hall of mirrors.
Tilting his head Anon was confused what she meant specifically.
“Doing what?” He asked.
“This! Taking me to this infernal place! Insisting that I'm your ‘daughter!’ Treating me like I'm anything other than the monster nopony wanted, why are you messing with me!?” Rosa snapped. Her horn lit up with magic and shattered the mirrors lining the walls.
Despite hearing the sound of someone screaming then the heavy hoofsteps of running away, Anon just stood there.
“Rosa, I'm not messing with you,” Anon stated plainly.
“Then what!? What reason could you possibly be doing this! You know what I am yet you act like I couldn’t hurt a fly, I lead armies of flesh eating ghouls and blood drinking vampires yet you insist I sleep in a room two hallways away from where your foals sleep!”
“I thought you’d like the view from that room”
“Just stop it already! You know what I am yet you not only don’t flee in terror of me you insist on being as close as possible. There has to be some game you're playing, I can’t see it but it has to be there, nopony in the world could be dumb enough to be around me ‘just because’” Rosa stated.
Looking the necromancer in the eyes, Anon stood his ground. He could see the anger, the rage, every ounce of frustration flowing through her.
“I know exactly what you are Rosa Maledicta, under all that black magic and bravado is an angry, hurt little filly who’s been betrayed by everyone she thought cared about her, and that sucks. But what sucks more is you’ve grown used to the idea that everyone is going to leave you because of your powers. But guess what sweetie, you ain’t shaking me” Anon told her.
Rosa simply glared at him, every word she had heard a thousand times and every time it turned out to be a lie.
Seeing his words weren’t getting through to her, Anon took the next step.
Slowly, he took a step closer to her, then another and another after that.
While she only glared at him, Anon looked back with a soft smile.
Before long they were eye to eye with one another.
“You know I could kill you right now. Your princesses and pet draconequus can’t save you here” Rosa stated, giving Anon a sadistic smile.
“I know, but I’m not scared of you,” he stated.
“Minotaur shit” Rosa spat.
“Believe what you want, but it’s the truth. There’s nothing on this planet that will make me afraid of you” Anon said.
The longer she looked into his eyes, the more ways she could kill him flooded Rosa’s mind. It would be so easy, she could slip out before anypony even found his body.
But that was it, it was too easy.
When she realised this, Rosa’s horn stopped glowing.
“You aren’t lying, are you?” Rosa asked, almost choking in her words.
“You are my daughter Rosa, end of story”
Slowly, the magic around Rosa’s horn faded. Shaking slightly she lowered her head down, refusing to make eye contact with Anon.
“You want to go home?” He asked.
Nodding her head, Rosa raised it to reveal a mischievous grin.
“Not before I fix this joke of a haunted house” she chuckled.
You could hear the screams and soiling of none existent pants from miles away. Rosa had summoned actual ghosts to haunt the attraction.
As the father/daughter duo got on the train back to Ponyville they could see guards rushing towards the amusement park as they left the station.
“I’m so proud of you” Anon said, a fatherly tear going down his cheek.
On the train ride home the two talked some more.
“So you inevitably have to become a lich or a vampire?” Anon asked.
Nodding, Rosa took another sip of the tea that had been provided by a trolley.
“As it stands I am a mere pony in a empire of immortals, if I am to maintain control I have to ascend past my mortal state” she explained.
“And you’re cool with that?” Anon asked.
“Of course, immortality alone is a worthy prize, but ascending will grant me vast power over the arts I practise. It will be worth it… despite the shortcomings” Rosa added, shivering slightly as she uttered the last sentence.
“What shortcomings? Being a bone monster or being chased by big teet goth mares all night?” Anon asked.
Shaking her head Risa squirmed slightly.
“It’s the concept of devouring the flesh of others or drinking blood to survive. I’ve never tasted it so I’m on the fence about relying on it forever” she explained.
“Well, you could try it now and see which one you like” Anon suggested.
Returning to the empire our plucky duo arrived at the First Imperial Blood Bank.
Entering the building Rosa squinted slightly. The crystal material used to make the building was pure clean white. As such light reflected off of it directly at her.
Following Anon past the desk Rosa admitted in her head, having the King as a father had its perks. Such as being able to skip the line of hungry vampires waiting for their fix.
“I donated a few pints to set an example when this place first opened,” Anon explained.
Leading her to a back room, Anon showed Rosa where all the blood was stored.
Rows upon rows of shelves filled to the brim with transparent bags of blood filled the room.
Searching for several minutes, Anon found a bag with his name on it.
Literally.
It was written on the label.
“Bottoms up” he said, handing the bag and a silly straw to Rosa.
Initially perplexed by the silliness of the straw, Rosa quickly adapted.
Inserting the straw into the bag before slowly drinking its contents.
“So? How is it?” Anon asked, seconds later Rosa sprayed the contents over Anon’s face.
“Blegh! That tastes of alcohol and eggs!” She complained as she wiped her tongue on her hoof trying to replace the taste with something more pleasant.
“Oh that’s my fault, I drink about ten units of alcohol a day and eat five dozen eggs for breakfast. It’s Cream’s idea, she thinks getting more protein in me will increase sperm count so I can coat her whole body in my cu- Anon began before his mouth was magically clamped shut.
“Let’s try the meat idea,” Rosa said, not wanting to add the taste of vomit to the blood stuck in her mouth.
Deep in the Crystal Palace, Anon led Rosa into a catacomb-like chamber.
“What are we doing down here?” She asked.
Moving over to one of the coffins, Anon pushed the lid off of it. The air around the coffin as its true nature was revealed.
“Behold, my secret freezers!” Anon said, using dramatic poses to show off his stuff.
Inside the coffin were piles of frozen meat, sealed away in airtight bags.
“Is… are these entire catacombs just freezers?” Rosa asked.
“It keeps the Crystal Ponies away”
Walking over to the corner of the room Anon pulled on a rope and from the roof dropped a pony sized rag doll like construct. Looking over, Rosa watched the grey puppet hang from the ceiling, its dead green eyes looking back at her.
“That’s my backup system,” Anon explained.
Turning her attention to the coffins Rosa looked over the dozen or so of them that filled the chamber.
“So whatcha want?” Anon asked.
“Where did you even get all this meat? I thought ponies were all herbivores” Rosa asked, her curiosity overtaking her.
“Grover, my boy has got a pipeline of the finest meats in the empire coming all the way here. Sure I can’t tell anyone about it because they’ll freak out that their king eats meat” Anon explained.
Going through the various options Rosa read out the labels on each packet.
Ribeye steak.
Lamb chops.
Rabbit leg.
Duck breast.
Ostrich burgers.
Whole griffon.
“Wait what?” Rosa thought to herself as she fixated on that last option.
“Grover doesn’t take kindly to murderers in his empire,” Anon said darkly.
Swallowing her breath Rosa pointed her hoof at the rabbit.
“Good choice, I actually caught that myself, the beggars have been breeding like well… rabbits” Anon said, lifting the bag out of the freezer before resealing it.
“Now you go sit and I’ll get dinner sorted” Anon said as he vanished into the left wing of the catacombs.
“Sit? Sit where-“ Rosa asked herself before turning around to see a small dining area on the far side of the right half of the room.
“Of course,” she said, rolling her eyes.
Sitting down, Rosa helped herself to the drinks cabinet. Pouring herself a large glass of apple cider she waited for a little while before Anon came back.
Carrying a tray with two plates on it he put them down on the table before taking his own seat.
“Please enjoy your rabbit, roasted in garlic and rosemary, served with a side of seasonal vegetables and a rich gravy” Anon said before picking up his own knife and fork.
Looking down at the plate, Rosa raised an eyebrow.
“Well… you do know this isn’t how the hundead eat flesh right?” She asked.
“Probably, but I think we should ease you into eating meat before you go full raw,” Anon said in between bites.
Using her magic Rosa cut out a chunk of meat, examining it as it floated in the air.
Swallowing her breath she bit into it, chewing on the cooked flesh for a few seconds before swallowing.
She soon threw up.
“Yep there’s the money shot” Anon said, patting his daughter on the back. His muzzle wrinkled due to the smell.
The next day Anon was taking a break from king shit to have a stroll along the border of the Everfree.
“Hey Fluttershy!” He called out, seeing the yellow mare hovering over a tree.
Coming closer, Fluttershy landed in front of Anon.
“Hello Anon, have you seen Angel Bun? He disappeared a week ago and I still can’t find him” she whispered.
“A week ago? Nah can’t say I’ve seen him, only thing I can remember from last week was I caught that raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”
Fluttershy tilted her head as she watched Anon continue to repeat the “aaaaa” noise. His body almost froze in place as he went on like a broken record.
“Well, if you see Angel, please tell him I miss him” Fluttershy asked as she flew off in search of her beloved pet.
“I must take this to my grave,” he thought to himself as he stood there, the same “aaa” noise echoing through the countryside.
AN: this is the second time Anon thought he ate Angel in my stories and the shit deserves it.
In Canterlot, the entire city was filled with life.
Leaders from across the continent and abroad had gathered at Canterlot Castle as a request from Celestia herself.
“Welcome my fellow rulers, thank all of you for coming, I have requested your presence for an experiment. A League of Nations designed to allow all nations to settle their grievances through peaceful debate among an unbiased crowd” she explained.
Some of the heads of state around the table were more optimistic than others, but there was an all you can eat Las Pegasus style buffet so they weren’t going to leave yet.
“Now, allow me to introduce our founding members,” Celestia said before she started listing off the heads of state.
“Emperor Grover of the Griffonian Empire”
“Chief Thunderhooves of the Buffalo Chiefdom”
“King Lolo of the Kingdom of Pingland”
“Dragon Lord Torch of the United Dragon Lands”
“Prince Rutherford of the Kingdom of Yakyakistan”
“Paw Wellington of the Polar Bear Community”
“General Secretary Altidiya of Stalliongrad”
“Governor Teafeather of Nova Griffonia”
“King Aldar II of the Kingdom of Olenia”
“Queen Chrysalis of the Changeling Lands”
“King Faisal Ibn Saddle of Saddle Arabia”
“And… (sigh) the Chad-King Anon of the Crystal Empire”
“Hey what’s up everybody!” Anon said introducing himself like a colt on the first day of school.
The room went silent for a few moments, Anon’s casual nature putting some of them on edge.
Steering things back on track, Celestia cleared her throat.
“Well, shall we start?” She asked.
Altidiya was the first to raise her hoof.
“Yes Altidiya?” Celestia asked.
“I would like to file a formal grievance against King Anon” she said.
“Here we go,” Anon said, seeing how this meeting was going to go.
Faisal raised his hoof as well.
“Yes, your highness?” Celestia asked.
“I would also like to declare war on the thestral,” Faisal said.
The room went silent for a moment. Celestia blinked a few times, taking a second to make sure she heard that correctly.
“No-nocreature said anything about war” she stated.
“I feel like I may have stepped on some toes here,” Anon admitted.
“Yes! You shouldn’t even be here, this is a meeting of world leaders, not some random pony who bribed his way into running a city” Altidiya stated.
“Ok first off you came here and I’m WAY more of a leader than any of you, check it!” Anon said, flexing his front leg like he was showing off his bicep.
“Grievance! I have been insulted!” Altidiya stated.
Celestia stood up from her chair, wings spread wide to increase her physical appearance.
“Stallions, mares! We are here to discuss our issues peacefully! There will be no war whatsoever” Celestia stated.
“Why not?” Faisal asked.
“Because that is an act of aggression which I think we can all agree is evil” Celesita explained.
That was when Chrysalis raised her hoof.
“And tell me princess, who decides who’s evil?” Chrysalis asked slyly.
You could tell she only came here to mess with Celestia and to put a wedge between Equestria and her allies.
“The Committee of Ethics” Celestia said, hiding her sarcastic tone rather well.
“You made that up” Chrysalis accused.
“If you ask stupid questions you get stupid answers your majesty” Celestia shot back.
“Would it still be an act of evil if we were smiting an evil being?” Altidiya asked, looking intensely at Anon.
“Anon not evil, he friend of Yaks” Rutherford piped up.
“Prince Rutherford had a point, Anon isn’t really evil” Celestia said, supporting the prince’s statment.
“He’s unleashed Discord, summoned an army of the dead and didn’t he foalnap an entire town?” Altidiya asked.
“And he called my wife a milf” Faisal added.
“Ok yes all that stuff happened but I have reasons. A. It’s a more permenant solution to just give him a designated area to do chaos. B. Those are just my daughter’s friends, trust me they’re more in danger than they are danger. C. I wanted shorter commutes from home to work and I put it back. And D. I was right and I’m not apologising” Anon explained.
“Nice” Grover chuckled under his breath.
“Why are you two making it out like I’m the problem? Sounds like I’m doing great, and you guys just suck” Anon said, resorting to petty insults.
“Anon!” Celestia chided.
“I’m not going to sit here and take crap from the hot tub bomber and the liberal arts student who could! I’m just a normal ruler trying to do good for my people, like any of you… well most of you” Anon stated.
This didn’t earn him many friends as many of the fellow leaders glared him down.
“Don’t get me wrong most of you are rather great or I don’t know you but Altidiya you’re a communist, Faisal I’m convinced you tried killing me with an exploding hot tub and Chrysalis you’re a love sucking parisite and you abandoned our son!” Anon said pointing out the flaws of his opponents.
“Wait Chrysalis has a son?” Torch asked, the giant dragon raising an eyebrow.
“Noot Noot” Lolo said.
“I didn’t want to be the one to say it but you’re right she does look heavier” Paw said nodding his head.
Everyone but Chrysalis herself snickered like school students at that.
“Alright every creature, there’s no need to body shame Chrysalis” the princess tried to say though her own giggling.
“Oh you’re one to talk Celestia, I gave birth to a foal and five hundred eggs, what’s your excuse?” The Changeling queen spat.
The room went silent.
Despite her fluffy and adorable apperance, every land in the world had heard the legends of what happened to those who insulted Celestia’s waistline.
They weren’t pretty.
Watching the two mares stare each other down, Grover felt something poke his shoulder.
Standing with a weaved basket Anon shook it, making the seven bits in it jingle.
“Place your bets, Celly wins 2:1, Chrysalis wins 3:1, they start making out 50:1” Anon said.
“Why does the third one exist?” Grover asked.
“Can’t have a dream come true if you never dreamed,” Anon explained.
Looking back at the glaring duo Grover put some bits in the basket.
“Celestia wins easy” Grover stated.
“Are we just going to bicker or are we going to actually try and make progress?” Torch asked, letting out a huff of black smoke from his nostrils.
Every leader in the room looked at each other with a mixture of neutral to begrudging looks.
“Alright let’s make some realistic agreements, we’ve wasted enough time as it it. Wars of aggression are wrong, so is slavery and genocide. Is that acceptable progress for today?” Celestia suggested.
“Aye!” Most of the room said unanimously.
“Well when you really think about it” Chrysalis began.
Anon rolled his eyes at the big queen’s protest.
“If you didn’t want to become a living food source you should have fought harder” she argued.
“And if you didn’t want to be such a colossal bitch you focused on having a personality. But we ain’t blaming you for that'' Anon shot back.
“Anon!” Celestia chided.
Letting out a huff, Chrysalis flipped her hair back.
“Don’t blame the colt Celestia, it must be so hard raising a foal alone without their mother there” Chrysalis said. Her tone of voice showing she didn’t give a flying shit about Albus, but just wanted to have her ego fanned.
“Actually you’ve been replaced as Albus’s mother in basically every way by Cream Heart” Anon corrected.
“What!?” Chrysalis yelled, hooves one the table.
Once the other world leaders had left, Celestia and Anon were left alone together.
“Well that could have gone better” Celesita sighed.
“Still, it was a good idea,” Anon said.
“It was YOUR idea Anon” Celestia reminded him.
“Hey we’ve got everyone other than the Changelings that’s a start” Anon said optimistically.
AN: Apologies for how the chapter turned out. You expected world leaders coming together to solve society’s problems but all you got were people arguing and wasting time.
Entering the cave, Anon looked around before approaching the pool.
He had remembered that time Pinke made an army of clones of herself using a magic pool, and that it had been blocked off so the chaos they unleashed couldn’t be repeated.
But she made one fatal error.
She underestimated how much paperwork Anon had to do.
With the Equestrian games coming up, the day to day running of the empire and dealing with setting up bureaucracy to handle the ever growing tax flow from the empire’s industrial revolution it was really starting to wear Anon down.
“It’s my own fault, I shouldn’t have given Shining and Cadence 30 week maternity leave. Stupid generous social benefits” Anon grumbled to himself.
He just needed a few Anons, a few that could handle basic stuff while he got the important shit sorted.
“Ok let’s give this a try” Anon said.
Poking his head over the clear water he waited a moment.
And another moment.
And another.
Then I went on holiday to Wales while he continued to wait.
“Ok I should have known this place was bullshit” Anon said annoyed at his lack of clones.
“Fuck you you fake magic water!” He said, striking the pool with his hoof.
As his hoof hit the water a shockwave of green magic filled the pool. Causing it to boil excessively.
“What the fuck!?” Anon cried out.
When he tried pulling his hoof away Anon felt something pulling g at him. Pulling harder and harder Anon pulled something out of the pool.
Tumbling back Anon looked on in amazement at what he had done.
Standing in front of him was another stallion, one that looked like him in almost every way.
Minus one or two differences.
“Why the fuck are you a zebra?”
Looking at the black and…. Green? Striped zebra with a cutie mark that matched his own, Anon looked into those dark green eyes he saw in the mirror every day as they looked back.
“Fuck am I supposed to know? You’re the one who made me” the zebra responded.
“Wait, you can talk in full sentences?” Anon asked.
“Yeah? I’m not a Pinkie clone you know” the zebra explained.
“Wait a minute, of fucking course! The glasses! My glasses were made from chaos magic, the pool must have reacted to them” Anon said face-hoofing himself.
“So that explains why you aren’t just a dumbed down copy of me”
“Bitch I’m an upgraded you!” The zebra shot back.
“In what way are you better than me?” Anon asked, doubting his words.
“I don’t need chaos magic to go outside without exploding”
Anon thought for a moment. He had a point.
“Fair, but I can fly,” Anon pointed out, flapping his wings.
“Ok, we’ll call it a draw,” the zebra stated.
The two looked at each other for a moment.
“At least you came out handsome,” Anon complimented.
“Right back at you big guy” the zebra returned the compliment.
“So what are you called? Anon asked.
“Anon” the zebra stated.
“I know that but that’s MY name, we’ve both seen No Way Home… well I have and you have my memories so we know the problem with us both having the same name”
“Hm, fair point… what about, Zebra Anon” Zebra Anon suggested, being just as original and creative as the original.
“That is brilliant, hey wanna see how many more Anons we can make?” The OG Anon asked with a child like glee.
“Did we throw an alligator through the window of our former girlfriend when she cheated on us with cousin Billy Bobby?” Zebra Anon asked.
“Hey remember we agreed to deny that. Just like when the cops asked” Anon scolded his clone.
Following the levels of insanity expected from two Anons, they quickly swelled their numbers to six.
Now stood in a circle were six stallions all sporting the same black mane, same green coat and eyes, and same question mark cutie mark.
“Ok, so you’re Zebra Anon, you’re Earth Pony Anon, you’re Pegasus Anon, you’re Unicorn Anon, and you’re Changeling Anon,” Anon said, naming all five of his clones.
“Hi Anon” they all greeted.
“Hi Anon,” Anon greeted back.
“Now let’s go home, Anons away!” Anon said as he turned to leave, only stopping once he realised they weren’t following him.
“What’s the matter fellas?” He asked.
“We all have your memories, so we know WHY we exist. But there’s one question I’m sure we all have left” Changeling Anon explained.
“And what’s that?” Anon asked.
“Are we going to have to share Cream Heart oooor” Earth Pony Anon asked.
“What? Know! Fuck you guys she’s MY wife!”
“But we ARE you”
“But I am the one of us who is married to Cream, not the you’s that are also us. I mean if you were just mindless clones that might be a different story but you’re literally independent thinking beings, I’m not a swinger!”
The five Anons lowered their heads sadly.
“Aaaw” they said in unison, making Anon feel bad.
“Aw come on fellas, don’t get upset. There are plenty of mares to go around” Anon explained, trying to cheer them up.
“But milf” Unicorn Anon protested.
“There are plenty of milfs in the sea. Cup Cake will probably be up for an orgy, and I’m 99% sure Spoilt Rich is cheating on her husband with the gardener so that’s an option” Anon suggested.
“Wait, she's sleeping with Wild Flower? And all this time I thought he was gay” Pegasus Anon said, surprised at this possibility. Forgetting that ‘all this time’ was about five minutes ago when he was created.
“He’s married to a guy so probably” Changeling Anon pointed out.
“But there’s a chance he’s bi so both of them are cheating on their husbands” Zebra Anon suggested.
“Wait, he's cheating on Garron? That griffon can’t catch a break can he?” Pegasus Anon said.
The six of them quickly got bogged down in gossip of who was fucking who that continued for multiple hours.
…
At Canterlot Castle, Celestia and Luna enjoyed a relaxing evening at a high end spa.
“Our first day off in a thousand years. We should do this more often Luna” Celestia sighed.
“Indeed dear sister, just you and me, and those very vigorous stallion masseuses, no distractions” Luna agreed.
“Princess, a letter from Princess Sparkle,” a guard said, holding up the letter that shattered the duo’s peace.
PS: please bring extra mops, Cream Heart got… excited when she saw there were SIX Anons now. The palace smells like fish and my magic isn’t helping.
“What is it sister?” Luna asked.
Celestia quickly incinerated the letter before going back to relaxing.
“Nothing important Luna, would you mind calling those masseuses back here? I think they missed a part of my rump” Celestia said, licking her lips as she saw the two masseuses walk past.
“Same here Tia, same here~” Luna said with the same predatory look.
AN: And thus began the age of the Anon 6.
So how much do you wanna bet they cause Fallout Equestria to happen?
Gathered in the Twilight’s new castle, the Mane 6 and Spike tried to come up with a solution to their most pressing issue.
“Kill them” Rainbow suggested.
“Rainbow Dash you KNOW that’s not an option” Applejack scolded the Pegasus.
“Why not? They’re just clones. It’s the Pinkie Pie copy fiasco we had years back all over again” she dismissed.
“They aren’t just clones Rainbow, I’ve examined every square inch of them” Twilight began to explain.
“Yeah you like examining Nonny don’t you Twilight?” Pinkie said in a teasing tone.
Excluding Twilight herself the girls started giggling behind their hooves.
“This is serious, they aren’t clones like the ones Pinkie created. Their biological and magical make up is indistinguishable from real ponies, and they seem to have developed a level of sentience that the previous clones didn’t have. I think they may be… real”
The room went silent for a few moments. The concept of SIX Anon’s wracking the brains of the girls and Spike.
“Whelp, I’m moving” Rainbow said getting down from her chair.
“I’ll second that darling, it was nice knowing all of you but I’m off to Manehattan” Rarity followed.
“Wait girls!” Twilight protested.
“Yeah I’m going to go reconnect with my own kind” Spike said carrying a tiny suitcase.
“Spike sit back down at once young dragon!” Twilight ordered.
“Twilight, we’ve spent nearly four years trying to survive the antics of one Anon. What do you think SIX will be capable of?” Rainbow asked.
Instead of recoiling in fear as they hoped she would. Twilight gained a light blush as her ears dropped and a small string of drool came out the corner of her mouth.
“Twilight?” Fluttershy asked, snapping the princess out of her trance.
“Wait-wah? So you’re all jumping ship? Come on I know Anon is a little crazy. But what’s the worse that could happen?” Twilight asked, not knowing the doom she had unleashed upon the world.
…
“Role call!” Anon called out.
Secretary of Foreign Affairs Zebranon?”
“Here”
“Director of the CIA and FBI Changeanon?”
“Here”
“Secretary of Defence Peganon?”
“Here”
“Secretary of the Interior Ponanon?”
“Here”
“Secretary of Science Unianon?”
“Here”
Stood in a General Eisenhower cosplay with each of his clones wearing traditional US soldier helmets.
“Ok, we’ve locked ourselves in the throne room for nearly three hours. With our combined IQ and the finest education the state of Florida could provide we have came up with the answer to the oldest question in human history” our Anon said pointing a stick as a whiteboard with several graphic pictures drawn on it.
“We have come to the conclusion that if you have sex with an alternate universe version of yourself it would not be gay, incest or sex because fundamentally they are still you, therefore it counts as masterbation” Anon explained.
The six of them sat quietly for a few seconds, Changeanon coughing slightly.
“But we’re not going to have sex with each other right?” Peganon asked.
“Of course not, we’ve just proven it’s ok by math” Anon explained.
“Which also means if you guys had sex with Cream I wouldn’t be a cuck because in the end of the day you’re me… I think?”
“I think we might be forgetting something” Ponanon said raising his front hoof.
“And what is that Ponanon?” Anon asked.
“I don’t know that why I said I think we’ve forgotten something” Ponanon explained.
The group nodded in agreement. They had all forgotten something because they are all literally Anon.
“Well if it was important we wouldn’t have forgot it” Zebanon argued.
“Agreed” Peganon said nodding his head.
…
Cream Heart, after getting over the inital shock (and excitement) of there being six versions of her husband knocking about. Began to worry.
“Cadence, I need some advice” she asked.
Visiting the section of the palace inhabited by the Armour/Amor family, Cream Heart sat at a small table opposite Cadence.
“Of course, how can I help?” Cadence asked.
“Well… you know how there are six Anons now” she began.
At the mention of this new fact Cadence, despite technically being immortal, physically aged five years.
“And I know the other five aren’t my Anon, but…” Cream continued.
“You have feelings for them?” Cadence asked, having a knack for this kind of thing.
“Not exactly, when we got married Anon and I stopped fooling around with other mares, no more threesome, no more foursomes, no more having him and Big Mac spit roast me and Cherlee” Cream continued.
“I’m sorry what was that last one?” Cadence asked, having almost spat her drink out hearing those words.
“It’s ok they said something along the lines of “it’s not gay if it’s in a four way” but that’s not the point. My point is that I know Anon probably won’t want to share now that we’re married, and I’m fine with that. But the thought of them going off to be with other mares… I know it shouldn’t but it upsets me” Cream explained.
This was a difficult case for Cadence. As she’s never had to deal with something like this… but I doubt anyone in the history of the kingdom ever has.
“This is a… strange case, but I think the best thing to do is sit Anon down, and talk this over like calm, normal, adu-“ Cadence began before getting interrupted.
Throwing the doors open, the Anons were stood in the doorway waving pieces of paper in their hooves.
“Don’t worry Creamy, we did math and I’m not a cuck if we run a train over you” Anon said with plentiful relief in his voice.
This wasn’t how Cream expected today to go. But she really should have given up on that when she married Anon.
“I’m sorry what?” She asked, almost choking on her breath.
“Well we did the math, and it turns out that it’s just like playing a hivemind in Stellaris. You can’t have fun oppressing people, because your literally all me” Anon explained.
Not that anyone other than the Anons knew what a Stellaris was.
“I mean we did own that lithoid race” Unianon remembered.
“How do you oppress a rock? How?” Anon asked rhetorically.
“Um, excuse me?” Cadence asked.
“Yep what’s up?” Anon asked.
Instead of responding, Cadence pointed under the table. Looking under it Cream and the Anons saw a small, snow white, goo covered foal resting on the floor. An umbilical cord connecting her to Cadence.
“Oh my alligators, you gave birth!” Changeanon said squealing lightly.
“All over our nice clean floor” Anon stated, less excited about the situation.
“Well don’t just stand there! Go get Shining!” Cream Heart snapped at her husbands.
“And then go wait for me in our room, I’ll get Pinkie to watch the kids~” she whispered afterwards. Licking her lips lightly.
By the time Celestia and Luna got there to meet their new great-neice, they found six exhausted Anons and one very happy Cream Heart.
“So what’s this friendship problem about?” Anon asked.
“The map in Twilight’s castle said we’re needed somewhere up north, so you coming or what?” Rainbow asked, floating outside Anon’s window.
“Well… I did make five other me’s so I could have more time to myself… eh sure, I’ll meet you at the station” Anon agreed.
“As soon as I’m done with my bath” he added, having been sat in his bathtub the whole time.
Taking a train ride with the girls, Anon was left underwhelmed at their destination.
In a valley north of Stalliongrad, there was a small town. It’s buildings lined up neatly in two rows.
“Well this place is a shithole” Anon stated.
“Anon!” Twilight chided.
“What? It’s a shithole, am I not allowed to call it a shithole? What’s over there? It’s a shithole” Anon defended.
“We can’t call other pony’s towns shitholes it’s rude!” She stated.
“Ok ok ok, it’s a dump” Anon corrected himself.
“Just… just don’t say anything” the Princess of Friendship said as they walked up to the town.
The locals were all ponies of the three main races, but they seemed… off.
They were all smiling widely, but they all seemed to be forcing it, and all their cutie marks were the same equal sigh.
“Um, I don’t think we blend in very well” Fluttershy whispered.
“Don’t worry, I am a master of diplomacy” Anon whispered back to her before wondering off from the main group.
“No” Fluttershy whispered in fear.
“Hey my man, what’s up with this freak show?” Anon asked a small colt playing with a gray ball.
“I’m sorry, what do you mean?” He asked.
“Dude this place looks like it’s a set for a 1984 movie adaptation. And what’s with all of you having the same cutie mark? You all into maths or something?” Anon asked, before his brow quickly furrowed as his mind shat out an explanation.
Before the colt could answer Anon’s head shot straight up.
“Wait a minute is this place Equestria’s Manhattan Project? Where’s pony Oppenheimer?” He asked looking around for a depressed guy in a hat.
“Hey where did everybody go?” Anon asked, seeing that the street had been cleared.
“Everypony must be doing the greeting song” the colt said.
“The what now?” Anon asked as the colt lead him to the front of the town.
After a long song about how great Our Town was and how equal they all were. The girls first looked at the towns ponies with confusion. Then it turned to fear.
At first they noticed Fluttershy cowering behind Rainbow, then they say what she was scared of.
For you see, the form we knew Anon in was his base form. But when he powers up he becomes what’s known as a Super American, and if he goes beyond that he becomes and Ascended Super American, or Super American 2.
But as he stood shaking violently. Physical red, white and blue aura manifesting around him, Anon went even further beyond.
“Is he ok?” Starlight asked.
“Fucking commies!!!”
…
Zebanon shot his head up. Moister slowly dripping from his muzzle.
“I’ve sensed a great disturbance in the force, I feel Anon is in a state of great rage” he said.
“Oh I’m sure he’ll be fine, the girls are with him” Cream Heart said, grabbing the zebra’s head and putting it back between her legs.
…
Groaning, Anon opened his eyes. His memory was foggy but he distinctly remembered going Super Saiyan 3 for a second.
“What happened?” He groaned.
“You yelled loud enough to shake the town then passed out darling” Rarity explained, passing him a glass of water.
Seeing he was inside a wood and stone building, Anon looked over at the girls. All of their coats seemed… duller, and their cutie marks had been replaced with equal signs. Looking at his own impressive ass, Anon say his question mark was gone, replaced with a equal sign like the girls.
“Ok what the fuck happened?” Anon demanded to know.
“After you passed out, Starlight Glimmer stole our cutie marks and locked them away. Our special talents are gone, and we can’t leave until we’ve got them back” Twilight expalined.
Getting back to his feet Anon looked out the window. The town’s pony’s were going back to their daily routine like nothing changed.
“Where are they?” Anon asked.
“Locking in that mountain” Applejack said, pointing to a cave in one of the nearby mountains.
“Well that makes things easier, don’t worry girls your big, strong stallion will take care of this” Anon said opening the door. Stopping for a moment to appreciate it was unlocked.
“Big Mac’s coming?” Pinkie asked innocently, pretending she didn’t just give the sickest burn imaginable.
“Anon there has to be a peaceful way, just sit down and let us think up a pla-“ Twilight pleaded, unaware it fell on deaf ears as Anon walked out like a father going to get milk.
Trotting up to the cave entrance, Anon was stopped by two ‘guards’
“Excuse me there’s something of mine in there I’d like to get back” Anon said, unusually polite all things considered.
“I’m sorry friend, but we can’t let you take your cutie mark back. But don’t worry, you’ll be happier without it. Here in Our Town you’ll be happy and equal just like the rest of us” the first guard said, his forced smile twitching slightly.
“I’m sorry I forgot to ask, what is the name of your town by the the way?”
“Our Town”
“Yes I know it’s your town now what’s it called?”
“Our Town”
“Dude I get it you live here now what’s it called?”
“Our. Town”
“Did the pink bitch take your brain when she took your mark? WHAT IS THE TOWN’S NAME!”
“OUR TOWN!”
“You know what fuck this” Anon sighed.
What came next was nothing short of Anon unleashing his full 600 pounds of compact American glory upon those poor guards.
“Ow, that hurt” one said, laying on the ground with a fat lip and a black eye.
“How’d you do that? We took your mark, you’re meant to be the same as everypony else?” The other groaned, his read leg shoved where the sun doesn’t shine.
“Steroids and crack cocaine! That’s why America is unstoppable!” Anon stated proudly as he marched into the cave like it was D-Day.
Entering the cave he found a wall of potentially hundreds of cutie marks. Looking through them he couldn’t find his or the girl’s.
“What the fuck is going on here?” He asked himself.
“Trespassing for one” a voice called out.
Stepping out of the shadows, Starlight Glimmer stepped between Anon and the cutie marks.
“Where are my friend’s marks you commie bitch?” Anon demanded.
“Safe, and don’t worry, none of you will be needing them. Here in Our Town everypony is equal, and now so are youl she stated proudly.
“Ok for one, I know as a communist or a socialist or whatever you are you’re naturally stupid. But come on those guys aren’t equal at all”
That caught Starlight off guard. Not the stupid part but the part where he challenged her town’s equality.
“Of course they are! They all have the same cutie mark now!” She defended.
“Yeah but the pegasi still have their wings and the unicorns still have their horns. Sure you handicapped them but that doesn’t mean they’re any less unequal. Earth ponies are still stuck as basic bitches” Anon explained.
“Ok we can’t fix that but if you ignore biology we’re all the same! We’re the perfect society!”
“Perfect? Hardly, you see Lighty, for a society to function there needs to be specialized of labour. While sure you have a point that the picture on someone’s butt shouldn’t decide your roll in life it does (somehow) give them an advantage in whatever talent they’ve got. Removing them removed that boost, you’re not making a perfect society your holding everyone back. If you make everyone equally bad at something that doesn’t mean they’re all the best”
Twitching slightly, Starlight resisted the urge to use magic to choke out this thestral and his nitpicking ways.
“Hey your mark is melting” Anon pointed out at Starlight’s cutie mark slowly running down her leg.
Seconds later Anon revised a rock to the head. Returning him to the land of uncontioustess.
…
Starlight returned Anon to the house the and the Mane 6 were staying in.
After a few hours he woke up but something was deeply wrong. All the girls could tell it.
Sat at a desk, Anon happily hummed to himself, writing something in a piece of paper.
Since waking up there has been no unnecessary profanity. No boasting about his overestimated skills, and he’s called them all by their actual names.
No Twiggles, no nothing.
“Nonny, you ok?” Pinkie asked.
Looking away from his desk, Anon smiled warmly at the pink mare.
“Pinkie I couldn’t be better. In fact I’ve just finished writing the constitution of the empire” he explained showing it to her.
As the girls read through it they were mortified.
“Anon, you realize this would dissolve the monarchy right? You wouldn’t be king anymore” Twilight stated.
“I know, but I think it’s only fair that the people get to pick their own leaders regularly. It may not be perfect but democracy is still the freest form of government, and being free makes ponies happy, which makes me happy” Anon explained.
“Ok she definitely hit him harder than we thought” Applejack said.
“Oh don’t be mad at Starlight, I’ve already forgiven her” Anon responded before going back to his writing.
“What’cha doing now?” Pinkie asked.
“I’m writing an apology letter to everypony I’ve ever insulted or upset, it’ll take a while but it’s the right thing to do” he explained.
The girls could tell somethiy was definitely wrong.
“Ok Anon, something not right, do you mind if I check your temperature?” Twilight asked.
“Of course, whatever makes you happy” he said taking off his shades.
Taking a step back the girls continued to boast their shocked expressions.
“What’s the matter?” Anon asked.
“Dude, your eyes changed!” Rainbow stated pointing at him.
Trotting over to the mirror, Anon looked to see what all the fuss is about.
His eyes, usually a green hue had turned orange, resembling the usual colour of a thestral’s eyes.
“Well that’s strange” he asked “oh look my coat is changing as well” he pointed out.
“What?” Rarity said trotting up to the mirror.
It was true, the green fur around Anon’s eyes were slowly turning gray, spreading over the rest of his face millimeters at a time.
“How’s that even possible?” Rarity asked.
“His cutie mark” Twilight realised “our cutie marks represent our special talents, they’re who we are, without his, Anon is turning into a normal thestral” she theorised.
“Ok I know I skipped a lot of biology classes sugarcube-“ Applejack began.
“A few?” Rarity said in a doubting tone.
“Ok I skipped everything past the fifth grade, but I’m sure that ain’t how biology works” the orange mare stated.
“Anon isn’t a normal pony, he was only turned into one. Everything that made him who he was as a human, his ‘Anonness’ if you will, it must have been tied to his cutie mark. Without it, he’s turning into an ordinary pony, if we don’t get that mark back, we might lose everything that makes Anon, well, Anon”
Hearing Twilight’s words, the girls began to worry. Even Pinkie’s smile quickly faded.
“Ok but is that reeeeally a bad thing?” Rainbow asked.
“Rainbow!” The other five scolded.
“Ok ok we’ll fix him” Rainbow caved.
“Did I ever tell you girls how much I value your friendship?” Anon asked, completly oblivious to the seriousness of his dilemma.
So he hasn’t lost THAT much of himself.
Eventually the girls exposed Starlight and the town reclaimed their cutie marks.
“Blegh! I can’t believe I wrote all this shit” Anon said, feeding the constitution and all his many apology letters to the fire.
With his cutie mark restored Anon’s natural eye and fur colour began returning to normal.
“You know we’d probably have saved ourselves a ton of trouble if we just let him stay that way right?” Rainbow asked.
“I know” Twilight responded.
“Help the first amendment’s fighting back!” Anon yelled out. Wielding a poker as the fire spilt out onto the floor.
“But he wouldn’t be OUR Anon” she explained.
“Yeah, he was kinda boring that way” Rainbow admitted.
…
As the train pulled into the station Anon let out a sigh of relief. After all that shit he was finally home.
“Home at last, now I can sit back and-“ he began before immediately freezing upon entering the palace.
Sat in a pile of shards was the Crystal Heart. You know, the giant beating heart of the empire.
Stood next to it with a big bottle of glue was Unianon, with Cadence’s baby on his back.
“It was her fault” he insisted, pointing at the giggling newborn.
“I was gone for a few days and a baby destroyed our most precious artifact… I knew there was a reson I liked that kid” Anon thought to himself.
AN: Sane Anon may be the better Anon, but he isn’t our Anon.
“So she broke the Crystal Heart” Twilight asked, looking on in horror at the pile of shards that was once the Crystal Heart. Unianon still frantically trying to glue it back together.
“Frankly I’m just happy we aren’t still in the north, the flurry would have wiped us off the map.
“Flurry, Heart. I kind of like the sound of that, Flurry Heart it is then” Cadence said, nuzzling the alicorn foal resting in her hooves.
“You want to name your child after a theoretical genocide she might have caused? I love it” Anon agreed, having finally found a pony who spreads chaos as much as he does.
“So how do we fix it?” Applejack asked “it’s not like y’all can just find a new one”
“Don’t worry, as always I have a plan” Anon said, making every lifeform that wasn’t an Anon very worried.
“Me and the other Anons are going on a quest to find the seven dragon balls to wish for the heart to be fixed, tell Cream she’s in charge until we get back” Anon explained.
“Anon the dragon balls aren’t real” Twilight reminded him.
“Oh crap I forgot that” Peganon said.
“A single flaw in an otherwise perfect plan” Ponanon sighed.
“So what are we going to do?” Changeanon asked.
“First I’d like to know HOW this happened, I was gone for a few days and you guys were right here” Anon asked, looking at his five counterparts.
“Well, it was a normal day. We woke up, we planned the conquest of Stalliongrad-“ Unianon started.
“We’re waiting for them to make the first move” Zebanon backed up.
“Anyways, Cadence had some shit to do in Canterlot about the mass of marital issues that we may have created by spiking the punch at your wedding” he continued.
“I still need some more of that potion when you have the time” Shining whispered to Anon.
“Limp dick?” Anon whispered.
“Horny wife” Shining corrected.
“Ah, been there”
“But Shining, who was looking after the baby, had a guard emergancy, also Canterlot, so Cream was left in charge of said baby. I said I’d watch her for a minute while she went to pick up Button. Strong Teeth tried to eat me, Albus turned into a lamp for a little while, String Theroy somehow got INSIDE the Crystal Heart and Flurry shot it trying to get her out” Unianon explained.
The room went silent for a minute or two. Everyone trying to process the convoluted nonsense he was spewing.
Other than Pinkie, who seemed to understand it perfectly.
“So if anything this is all Cadence and Shining’s fault” Anon accused.
“Our fault!” The couple yelled in an offended tone.
“You’re the ones who left their baby alone with FIVE Anons around” Anon reminded them.
“I left her with Shining” Cadence stated, glaring at her husband.
“And I left her with Cream” Shining defended.
“And she left her with me because she has her own foals to look after, so when it all loops back it’s still on you two” Unianon argued.
“Enough!” Twilight snapped, making both groups flinch.
“We can argue all day or we can fix the heart” she said, giving an ultimatum.
“I vote argue”
“I second that”
“I third that”
“I’m hungry so I’m gonna go cuddle with Cream before I become malnourished”
“I fourth that”
“Sorry Twiggles democracy wins again”
Being five seconds away from snapping the collective necks of Anon, Twilight headed towards the crystal palace’s library.
Books being the one thing that might calm the infinite rage that dwells inside her.
Also she might figure out how to fix the heart.
“While she’s handling that, we can handle the other problem” Anon stated.
“How do we explain to the crystal ponies that my newborn broke their most sacred relic?” Candance asked reluctantly.
“Nope, where is Flurry Heart gone?” Anon explained.
Looking down at her hooves, Cadance realised Flurry was gone.
Panicking, Cadance began flying at the speed of sound across the room calling out her baby’s name.
“Sound the alarm!” Shining ordered one of the nearby guards.
“Ponanon you check the lower half of the palace, Peganon you search the skies, Zebanon search the streets, I’ll check the top half of the palace, Unianon, you stay here and keep gluing the heart back together just in case Twilight’s nerd shit fails” Anon ordered.
“Waaay ahead of you” Unianon said, applying more glue to a shard.
Fanning out, the Anons searched across the city for the little bundle of chaos that was Flurry Heart.
“Here Flurry Flurry Flurry Flurry! I’ve got cookies! You’re old enough to eat solid foods right!?” Peganon asked, holding a plate of cookies as he floated through the air.
Hearing the sound of giggling he turned his head towards it. Seeing nothing Peganon continued his search.
But as he turned his head back in front of him, the plate was empty.
“How the hell did she do that? Alicorn magic of course” he grumbled as he discarded the plate, moving at far greater speeds to find the foal.
Within the palace, Anon searched through the missing foal’s room.
Checking under every toy and stuffed animal Anon made sure that he searched everything.
“Giant stuffed bear, wooden train, Flurry Heart, some building blocks, Perry the Platypus, mini-golf clubs“ Anon listed off the items he moved aside as he searched for the foal.
Doing a double take Anon’s jaw almost dropped at the sight of Flurry, a green bipedal platypus in a hat and a set of newborn sized golf clubs sat behind him.
“Perry the Platypus! Flurry Heart! Golf clubs! You were born like a week ago. How do you know how to play golf?”
Giggling, Flurry lifted herself and Perry into the air with magic.
In a flash of green light Perry the Platypus was gone. In his place was a smiling Albus.
“Albus? You figured out how to turn yourself into Perry the Platypus? That’s so clever! Clearly you’re very advanc- wait, how do you know what Perry the Platypus looks like?” Anon said, first proud that his son was getting creative with his powers, then in confusion as Disney didn’t exist in Equestria.
Pushing the questions out of his mind Anon puffed out his chest and furrowed his brow.
“Alright you two, you’ve had your fun. But fun dad/uncle Nonners is gone. Serious dad/uncle Nonners is here now. Now both of you, land on this floor immediately or you are both GROUNDED” Anon threatened, using the oldest threat in the book when dealing with rowdy children.
Instead of complying, Flurry puffed up her cheeks. With magic from her horn lighting up, Flurry grabbed the unassembled IKIRIN foal crib (recommended for foals ages 2 months to 18 months) that Shining had left partly assembled in the corner and lifted it over Anon’s head.
“Oh no” Anon realised.
Flying through the corridors to escape, Albus and Flurry giggled to each other before disappearing in yet another bout of teleportation.
“I am in extreme pain here” Anon groaned as he laid buried under a mountain of affordable furniture.
Despite the efforts of the Anons and their super glue, the Heart was fixed by the efforts of Sunburst the wizard and Twilight.
With the day saved the Amor couple assembled the crib just in time for Flurry to fall asleep.
After they dug Anon out from under it of course.
“Well, let’s hope that’s the last bout of chaos you make Flurry” Shining chuckled as he and Cadence put Flurry to bed.
As the couple watched over their sleeping foal they nuzzled against each other.
“Who would have thought one little filly could cause all that trouble?” Shining smiled.
“I know, honestly I expected Anon to be the one to break the Heart, usually he’s the chaotic one around here” Cadence.
Shining had to hold in a laugh to stop himself from waking up his daughter.
Cadence had a point. The Thestral was usually causing chaos of some kind, blowing everything off as a joke, with his green eyes hidden behind those glasses.
Just like how Flurry had done all day…
“Oh no” Shining thought.
“Cadence?” Shining asked, his voice shaking lightly.
“Yes?” She said.
“Did we make a mini-Anon with alicorn magic?” Shining asked, his voice now full of worry.
Initially thinking he was crazy, Cadence prepared to brush off his question.
But then it hit her.
“Oh no we did” she said, now more terrified than Applejack when she last saw an orange tree.
…
Starlight Glimmer, former Fürh- equal citizen of Our Town. Spied on her arch-nemesis Twilight Sparkle.
Using a brilliant disguise (a shrub) she watched the Princess of Friendship eat her toast with marmite.
The uncultured swine.
Within her mind, the plans of revenge were already forming.
She ruined all of Starlight’s work, drove her out of her own town and left her wandering the wilderness like some kind of animal.
Well, like an animal who couldn’t talk.
“Hi Lighty” Anon greeted, pulling the former dictator out of her thoughts.
“You!? How did you know I was in here!?” Starlight demanded.
“Your ass is sticking out the back” Anon pointed out.
Seeing she indeed chose a shrub that was too small, Starlight pulled herself out of her hiding spot.
“So, you’re spying on Twilight?” Anon asked.
“Y-yeah so what?” She said defensively.
“Hey I’m just making sure you aren’t watching her bathe or anything like that” Anon chuckled.
Starlight’s face lit up. Despite the best efforts of her hoof, she could not hide the embarrassed face from the stallion.
“Hey, we've all been there. Watching the one’s we’re interested in doing private stuff. I watch Cream shower all the time. Except I’m usually in there with her, not a shrub” Anon said trying to comfort the beet red mare.
“I- that’s- I need to go!” Starlight stated with a huff as she stormed off away from town.
“Looks like it’s time for old Nonners to play Cupid. I’ll add it to my chores list” Anon thought to himself.
Pulling a piece of paper and pen from his saddle bag he started scribbling.
Fix loose shingle, Feed plants, Water cat, Get milk, Pre-book Albus magic lessons with Twiggles, Blame communism, Send annual death threat to Blue Blood, Mow grass, Book table for anniversary, Play Cupid with friends,
“Crap I’ve been putting off doing the roof for a while” Anon mused to himself unhappily.
AN: Let’s face it, Nonners and Flurry were going to get along no matter what.
Tune in next time where you’ll see the Anon’s try to fix a stubborn roof.
Standing on the roof, Anon looked down at one shingle that was out of place.
It’s bottom left corner poked upwards leaving an opening into the attic. Without repairs it would eventually flood when it rains.
“Ok this should be easy” Anon said to himself.
Carefully, Anon positioned a nail over the loose shingle.
“Steady, steady” he said.
With a few wacks of his hammer the nail went in.
“Huh, that was easy” Anon said.
Packing up his tools he started to make his way off the roof before a spring noise came from the shingle.
The nail flew upwards leaving the shingle to loosen up yet again.
“Ok, let’s try that again” Anon said.
Putting another nail in the same result
“Ok I need more Anons” Anon stated.
And thus the Anon 6 began their epic war against the shingle.
Peganon uses extra nails
Unianon uses super glue.
Zebanon replaces the shingle.
Changeanon replaces all the shingles.
Ponanon replaces the entire roof.
But despite the ingenuity and genius of six Anons putting their heads together.
That damn shingle stayed loose.
“This shingle is without a doubt my Arch-Nemesis. Someone call Stalliongrad, they’ve been moved to secondary threat” Anon moaned, exhausted from replacing his entire roof several times in the same day.
“Hi Nonny, wanna come to a party I’m throwing tonight?” Pinkie greeted, standing over the collapsed thestral.
“Hey Pinks, sure I’d love to” Aon tiredly greeted.
“Anon what in tarnation are y’all doing?” Applejack asked as the rest of the Mane 6 approached. Confusion gripped her as she saw the six stallions collapse in exhaustion.
“We tried fixing a roof shingle but it’s being a dick. Now my house is going to flood” Anon explained.
“Anon, why do you even care if this place floods? You live in a palace” Rainbow asked.
“It’s still my house, I’ve got a lot of good memories here. Also if I leave one of my kids an empire and the rest get nothing in my will I’ll look like a total asshole” Anon explained.
“You really think this house is equal to an entire empire?” Twilight asked sarcastically.
“Yes, this place is awesome! Four bedrooms, a bathtub that can fit four ponies, a walk-in pantry, not to mention the sex dungeon I just got put in under the basement” Anon defended the honour of his house.
“Wait the what?” Rainbow asked, thinking she had missed the last part.
“It’s an anniversary gift for Cream,” Ponanon explained.
With that disturbing piece of information out of the way, the Mane 6 and Anon 6 tried to figure out what to do about this damn shingle.
“Screw it, I think we should just admit that unfortunately this problem is too big even for SIX Anons” Anon said, giving up to the power of the all-mighty shingle.
“Maybe you should just hire a professional?” Twilight suggested.
Anon had thought of that.
But he won’t.
Because that would be the NORMAL thing to do.
Thinking for a moment, Anon had an idea.
“Thanks for all the help girls, but I think I’ve got a solution” Anon stated as he and his five counterparts left towards the Crystal City.
“Why do I feel like they’re going to do something stupid?” Applejack asked.
Swallowing her breath, Twilight watched as the six green stallions disappeared into the distance.
“We should probably prepare for the worst, just in case” Twilight stated.
After spending another day flood proofing, storm proofing and fireproofing Ponyvillie, the girls returned to Anon’s house to see what he had done.
But the Anons were nowhere to be seen.
“You think he gave up?” Applejack asked.
“Um, I don’t think so,” Fluttershy said, pointing towards the Crystal City.
Anon, all six of him were rolling a large black ball across the fields towards the house.
Watching them approach, the Mane 6 looked on in horror. Even Rainbow Dash felt fear at what emerged from behind the ball.
“Hi girls, I made more mes” Anon greeted.
Coming out from behind the ball were a hippogriff and a griffon. Both plumages are a familiar shade of green.
“Morning girls I’m Griffanon and this is my counterpart Hippanon,” Griffanon introduced himself.
“How do you do, fellow quadrupeds” Hippanon greeted.
“Error, Twilight exe has stopped working” an invisible voice said as Twilight stood there motionless. Her face froze in shock.
“That’s it! I’m blowing up that lake!” Rainbow yelled.
“I thought we put a bigger boulder there after last time” Rarity asked, having not noticed her mane had gone pure white from shock.
“Oh we used our tank in it, child’s play really” Anon explained.
“Hey what’cha got there Nonnies?” Pinkie asked, poking the big ball they had been rolling.
“Actually this is Fluttershy’s handiwork” Unianon explained.
“M-me?” Fluttershy asked bashfully.
“Yeah, remember when you, Discord and I had tea a while back and we were talking about how I was struggling to learn the bigger spells? Well we took your idea for building a spell framework that allows a unicorn to augment spells in scope and intensity and put it into practice” Unianon explained.
“After months of hard work we built this, the ultimate scientific achievement. It’s actually based on the principles of something my grandpa worked on in the 50s” Anon continued.
“Behold! The megaspell!” They all said in unison. Doing a Doofenshmirtz impression.
The girls continued to look on with confusion and concern as the Anons showed off their toy.
“And… What does it do?” Pinkie asked.
“Oh it’s simple, once it’s set off it’ll rapidly age everything in a mile radius as if a hundred years had passed. That shingle doesn’t stand a chance!” Anon explained.
Seeing the new level of horror on the girl’s faces. Anon shrugged it off as he prepared the megaspell.
“I’d start running if I were you girls. This thing has an hour on the timer but you can’t be too careful” Anon suggested.
“Twilight exe has rebooted” the invisible voice spoke again.
“THERE ARE EIGHT OF YOU!!!???” Twilight yelled, finally snapping out of her buffering.
“Yes we established that earlier. Get with the program Twiggles” Hippanon stated.
“How!? Why!? Why in Celestia’s name would you build that thing!?” She yelled, having a full on panic attack from all the questions.
“Well it was for ageing our cheese properly but now we’re using it for this” Griffanon explained.
“I’m sorry your WHAT?” She asked.
“Our cheese, it’s an old Anon family recipe. My abuela taught me. But it takes seventy years to mature and who’s got that time am I right?” Anon explained.
“Couldn’t you just use a spell normally?” Applejack asked.
“I tried but I passed out before we got to three years. Building WMDs to do it just seemed easier” Unianon explained.
“Anon…s” Twilight stated firmly.
“Yes?” They asked in unison.
“I’m warning you now. Do not set off a bomb on Equestrian soil, or else” Twilight warned.
“Or else what? Twiggles we all love you but come on. We’ve gotten away with worse even when we were all a glint in Anon’s sunglasses” Griffanon argued.
“If you do, I'll tell Cream Heart you made a weapon of mass destruction and she may get mad” Fluttershy threatened softly.
That made all eight Anons freeze for a minute.
“You- you wouldn't” Changeanon stuttered slightly. Calling her bluff.
“I would,” Flutters stated calmly.
“She would” Rainbow confirmed.
Gathering in a circle for a second the Anons debated their options.
“Have that loose shingle, or deal with an angry Cream Heart. Shingle, Cream Heart, shingle, Cream Heart” Anon said, using his front hooves like scales to weigh their options.
“Well I’m going with the shingle” Zebanon stated.
“Agreed no competition” Hippanon agreed.
“Ok we’ll take the megaspell back” Anon relented.
“Good, now… what’s that ticking noise?” Twilight began before trailing off.
The fourteen quadrupeds listened closely for the source of the ticking.
Clicking into it. Anon pressed his ear against the megaspell.
The ticking was coming frkm it.
“FUCK ITS ACTIVE!” Anon panicked.
“TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!” Fluttershy screamed.
“YOU CAN'T! WHO BUILDS A BOMB WITH AN OFF ON SWITCH!”
“FLY AWAY!” Twilight called out.
Twilight grabbed Rarity while Rainbow got Pinkie and Fluttershy got Applejack. The girls shot through the sky towards Ponyvillie leaving the bomb behind.
The Anons did the same, with Anon grabbing Zebanon, Peganon getting Unianon and Griffanon carrying Ponanon.
Rushing through the air as fast as they could. The Anons could hear the ticking getting further and further away.
As the seconds flew past the ticking of the megaspell and the whistling of the wind rushing past them died out. Drowned by a new thunderous sound.
With a flash of green light, shining like the sun behind them, the megaspell went off.
While our protagonists escaped the blast zone. All of Ponyville could see the results.
The large fields of grass that separated the town from the southern Everfree rapidly aged. The grass grew and died and grew again in seconds, trees sprouted from the unkept ground and grew a hundred of feet tall.
It was as if a hundred years had passed.
When the green glow of the megaspell faded, Anon flew over the blast zone.
Finding his house, the building looked on the brink of collapse. Time had ravaged it more than any storm. The brickwork was beginning to crumble, the wood having rotted away. Being at the heart of the spell seems to have aged it at twice the rate as its surroundings.
“The fucking shingle still isn’t staying straight!” Anon cried out in rage.
AN: Told you Anon would trigger Fallout Equestria.
Celly and Lulu will be very pissed.
But hey, the Anons have abuela’s cheese so they’ve got no regrets.
Please join me for the next chapter of Thestral Anon, when he finally gets around to dealing with the plague of goth mares harassing his subjects
“What in my Sun’s name we’re you thinking!!!???” Celestia’s Royal Canterlot voice echoed through the crystal palace.
“What? So I like mixing fresco with wensleydale. It’s not that weird” Anon defended the combination of cheeses on his cracker.
“That isn’t what I’m talking about Anon!” Celestia stated.
“Although thou do deserve to be banished to the moon for that” Luna stated.
“I’m talking about that… THING you set off near Ponyville” Celestia explained.
“Oh, you mean the megaspell? Yeah our bad. Never built one that big so there were a few kinks” Anon half apologized.
“Kinks? Kinks! If it was a mile closer to town everypony in it would have been aged into oblivion!” Celesita ranted.
“Again, sorry. These things weren’t designed to be any bigger than an orange” Unianon apologized.
Now Celestia was starting to go from angry to worried.
“Are you telling me there are more of these things?” She asked, the implications not going over her head.
“Nah, we only need them once or twice a month so we just build one on the spot. Plus imagine if they got stolen? Y’all would be screwed” Anon explained.
“Y’all? Thou seem confident these instruments of destruction wouldn’t be turned on you” Luna asked.
Suppressing a grin, Anon pulled out a chalkboard from… somewhere.
The image drawn on it was that of the Crystal Empire itself. Or at least the city.
From the side view you could make out all the major buildings. But it’s what was under it that confused the princesses.
Under the city were several tall half ovals with what looked to be drawings of flames coming out of the bottom.
“If the worst should come I’m escaping to the one place that will be spared the magical holocaust (continues to surpress his laughter) SPACE!” Anon explained, hints of a Stalliongrad accent in his voice.
Once again Celestia and Luna realised they had massively overestimated the threat Anon posed to the world.
In the hooves of a competent pony these ‘megaspells’ would be the ultimate weapon of war.
In the hooves of Anon…
“So, you use these extremely dangerous weapons. To make cheese?” Celestia asked. The concept is still hard for her to understand.
“It’s really good stuff” Anon justified himself.
Taking in a deep breath, Celestia regained her regular regal stance.
“Anon, I hope you realise the full scale of what you’ve unleashed upon our world. Despite its peaceful… cheese making purposes, if this got out to the rest of the world there would be an arms race that could begin the extinction of all life in our world. Please, promise you won’t build any more megaspells” Celestia monologued.
Thinking it over for a moment, Anon had to admit she was right.
“Alright Tia, I’ll talk to the other me’s, we’re the only ones who know how to build these things so the secret will die with us” Anon promised.
Smiling, Celestia relaxed. The knowledge her subjects were safe from the threat of the megaspells putting her mind at ease.
“Thank you Anon” Celestia thanked.
“Any time Celly, now could you do me a favour?” Anon asked.
“Of course” Celestia agreed.
“Thanks, could you please GET ALL THESE BIG TITTY GOTH GIRLS OUT OF MY EMPIRE!” Anon requested, his tone becoming more intense with each passing word.
“It’s not that bad is it?” Celestia asked.
“Bad? Bad!? It was bad a month ago, it’s evolved to WORSE. Last week a vampire from Magehold jumped a mare in an alleyway and-“ Anon began.
“WHAT!?” Celestia and Luna said in unison. The thought of one of their subjects being attacked enough to put them back on edge.
“If you’ll let me finish. He jumped her, bit down on her neck, then left because and I quote, she moaned and said ‘suck harder daddy’ do you realise how hard your kink needs to go to make a blood sucking undead monster feel like the second thirstiest being in the room?”
Watching the princesses' noses wrinkle, Anon could tell they got why he was mad.
“A-alright, we’ll talk to them” Celestia said, clearing her throat.
“Oh it isn’t just them you need to tell to fuck off” Anon said moving towards the window.
Pointing out of it, Anon showed the princesses something that truly caught them off guard.
Two groups had gathered outside the palace.
On one side were the goth mares in question and the other of much older mares.
“Ok this is larger than we thought” Celestia said.
“Threat not Anon, we shall deal with this” Luna boldly stated as the sisters flew down to the groups below.
“Should we tell them about our chemical weapons program?” Unianon asked once he was sure the alicorns were out of earshot.
“Nah, they’ll stop putting up with all our nonsense unless we let them win every hour and then. It’s bad enough Cream is making us sleep on the sofa until she stops being mad at us” Anon explained.
“I hate sleeping on the sofa,” Changeanon whined.
“Don’t worry buddy, once we’ve sorted this I’m going to IKIRIN,” Hippanon explained.
…
Flying down to the two groups, Celestia and Luna landed in a corridor between them. Each side being policed by crystal guards.
“What is the cause of all this?” Celestia asked, her presence being enough to calm down the rowdier members of the groups.
“Oh it’s nothing your Highness, just some disputes with our daughters” a blue coated mare said, chuckling nervously at the sign of the alicorns.
“I’m not going home Mom!” A mare with white fur and a black mane snapped.
“Maple sweetie, it's been weeks, I’m sorry if I did something wrong but your father and I are worried” the blue mare said.
“I asked you not to call me that in front of my friends,” ‘Maple’ whispered harshly.
“Sorry sweetie, Night Shade, your father and I just want you to come home. This place isn’t safe, it’s full of blood sucking vampires, literal ones” the mare stated.
“Mom I’m already invested in this place you don’t have to sell it to me” ‘Night Shade’ explained.
“There really is something wrong with thy generation” Luna stated.
“Ok Princess Boomer” one of the younger mates next to Night Shade muttered.
“Can either of you explain what this is about exactly? I’ve been told it’s about vampire stallions but I have to admit I don’t get it” Celestia asked.
“That’s simple your Highness, we came here when we heard REAL vampires were here, not the fake ones who keep hitting on us back in Manehattan and our moms are here to drag us back like foals out after curfew” Night Shade explained.
“We’re only here because we love you and we want you to be safe” her mother explained.
“I’m not a little filly anymore Mom, I’m a grown mare and I can make my own decisions!” Night Shade stated.
“You turned eighteen last week” her Mother reminded her.
“Well I’m sure we can sit down like mature mates and talk out a solution that everypony can agree on” Celestia stated optimistically.
Then Anon showed up with a tank.
“Dear goth mares, get the fuck off my lawn, now” Anon spoke through the megaphone.
“You and what army!?” One of the younger mares called out.
“The Crystal Imperial Army” Anon explained as the square was surrounded by crystal soldiers.
“Ok that’s a good army” the same mare admitted.
“Anon I thought you’d let me handle this?” Celestia said, getting into a defensive posture as the tank came to a halt.
“I thought you’d just order them out and they’d do it because well, I’m 90% sure most of your populace thinks you're a god. But then you started talking about feelings and talking it out. Using tanks is just faster” Anon explained.
“Excuse me!” A voice cut Celestia off from responding.
Moving through the crowds, Rosa stepped between Celestia and Anon
“What’s going on?” She asked.
“Hi Rosie, don’t mind me I’m just getting rid of these sexual harassment commiters” Anon greeted his daughter.
“Well since I’m the head of the Necromancer Council, shouldn’t I get the final say on this?” Rosa asked.
“Keep away from our daughters your monster!” A unicorn mare spat as the mother’s stairs turned harder on Rosa.
“Mom, you're embarrassing me, stop!” A unicorn mare from the goth’s side yelled back.
“You think THAT’S embarrassing?” Rosa asked sarcastically.
“That thing, I’m not even sure he’s a pony, stumbled into my city drunk, declared himself my father and has been smothering me with love and affection at every opportunity ever since” Rosa explained as she pointed at Anon.
“Have you been eating? You look thin” Anon asked, choosing to ignore her calling him a thing.
“Actually that doesn’t sound so bad” Night Shade commented.
“Well it isn’t, actually it’s really nice but that’s not the point” Rosa said.
“I’ve been speaking with the vampires of Magehold and they’ve agreed that if you tone back your… excitement, they’ll be willing to take you out to dinner or something. They aren’t promising anything but you’ll get your chance to have your… what was it?” Rosa monologued, losing her train of thought towards the end as she looked for the right word.
“Vampire dom coltfriends?” Night Shade asked.
“Or marefriends!” Another mare from the crowd called out.
“Yeah, that” Rosa confirmed.
“Night Shade those things are blood sucking monsters!” Night Shade’s mother warned, fear for her daughter’s safety filling her voice.
“Trust me ma’am, I’ve spoken to them and none of them want any of your daughter’s blood, apparently your daughter’s group makes them feel uncomfortable whenever they try to feed” Rosa stated flatly.
“Hey, we’re goths. We’ve got some weird kinks but we aren’t proud of it” Night Shade admitted.
“Well, another problem solves itself, I think we’ve all earned a drink” Anon said happily.
“Isn’t it nine in the morning?” Night Shade asked.
“Isn’t that coat full of dye?” Anon asked back as he opened a can of beer.
“Hey sky blue isn’t a very moody colour ok?” She spat back.
As the groups all found themselves satisfied to various degrees, Celestia and Luna stood in the middle of it trying to figure whatever the fuck just happened.
“This… Luna?” Celestia said, her words becoming slow.
“Yes Tia?” Luna responded.
“I don’t want to live on this planet anymore,” Celestia admitted.
“Been there sister” Luna comforted her older sister.
…
“Erm, why are they all bruised?” Griffanon asked.
Having gone to inspect the first regiment of griffon trained crystal ponies, Griffanon looked at them with concern.
Every one of the ponies in the regiment had a bruise or black eye. The signs they’d been put through a lot.
The griffon commander put in charge of their training, an older battered griffon named Gainos walked along his side.
“Griffonian training was a little challenging form them at first, but it produces some of the best soldiers I’ve ever seen” Gainos explained.
“Is this going to be a regular thing?” Griffanon asked.
“We’re working on it, your Majesty” Gainos said.
…
The Carousel Boutique was busy as ever. As the best (and only) hairdresser in town, Rarity moved from one customer to the next.
Sat under the dryer hoods were the unlikely trio of Spoilt Rich, Twilight and Cream Heart.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen this place so busy,” Cream stated.
Watching the crowd of customers, rather than having their manes done or placing orders for a dress, Cream could only recognise about half of them.
“Now you mention it, most of these ponies look like they’re from out of town” Twilight agreed.
“Wonder why they’d come this far for a mane-job?” Cream asked.
Spoilt chuckles to herself as she flipped through the pages of a magazine.
“Oh you sweet innocent fillies, they’re here because you two come here” she explained.
“What are you talking about?” Twilight asked.
“Well your Highness, this boutique is visited by a princess of Equestria and the Queen of the Crystal Empire at least once every two months. Haven’t you ever heard of celebrity endorsement?” Spoilt explained.
Thinking it over, the two mares realised she might be right.
“I, I guess I never really thought about it like that” Twilight admitted.
“Well I’d get used to it, it’s one of the perks of being royal I suppose. You’re both far luckier than you give yourselves credit for” Spoilt said.
“I didn’t even think about that, I married Anon for love not to be a queen” Cream stated, only now realising the gravity of her life.
“I know that feeling, believe it or not, most ponies in town think I married my Filthy for his money” Spoilt said, as if that wasn’t obvious.
That’s when Cream and Twilight looked at her with doubt.
“What? I didn’t, is it really that hard to believe I didn’t marry him for his money?” Spoilt defended.
Neither answered her, Twilight having avoided it by turning the dryers up. Blocking out the conversation with noise.
…
“Ok let’s just give up, no matter what design we use it always ends up looking like a dick” Anon stated ripping yet another blueprint to bits.
The Anons had gone back to trying to build a casino resort to boost income for the Empire but every design from some angle made it resemble a penis.
“Maybe we need more Anons,” Hippanon suggested.
“Dude, remember what Cream said? She can handle eight of us max, any more and it’s just going to get impractical” Griffanon reminded him.
“Oh yeah, hey how is the IKIRIN furniture coming along?” Hippanon asked.
“We have purchased over one hundred beds ranging from singles to Alaskan King size” Peganon reminded him.
“Why did we order so many?” Hippanon asked.
“Because Unianon is going to assemble them into the most kickass pillow fort in history” Peganon explained.
“Hey guys where are my glasses?” Anon asked.
Turning their attention back to the table they were using to display the blueprints, they found Anon’s glasses were indeed gone.
“Where did they go?” Ponanon asked.
“The fuck am I supposed to know? I put them down while we were putting the drawing board together and now they aren’t here” Anon explained.
“I’ll check String Theory” Peganon stated.
“I’ll check Strong Teeth” Zebanon said.
“And I’ll stay here because this is one of the only rooms in the palace without windows so I’ll die if I leave here” Anon said.
Seven of them spread out across the palace. Searching every nook and cranny of the palace.
Trying to chew on his hoof while he held her, blissfully ignorant of his questioning.
“Ok why did I think you’d be able to talk?” Peganon sighed.
“Any luck? Anon asked, having found the perfect solution to his lack of glasses.
“Nothing” Peganon stated.
Watching her father stumble around in a pile of blankets covering everything but his muzzle, String Theory pointed towards him.
“Baba,” she said.
“Yes it’s Baba, now tell me where my glasses are little missy,” Anon said, putting his muzzle in a booping distance from String.
Which naturally caused her to boop the snoot.
“We aren’t making any progress are we?” Anon asked, Peganon shaking his head in response.
As the Anons gathered, Strong Teeth hanging from Zebanon’s mane, they began debating what to do next.
“Well we could always just ask Discord for another pair” Ponanon suggested.
Before anyone could respond a knock came from the door.
“Anon, are you in there?” Cream asked.
“Yeah we’re here honey” Anon replied.
Entering the room and closing the door behind her, Cream approached the Anons.
“Anon, we need to talk, all of us” she said, looking at all eight of them.
“Oh no” they thought in unison.
“I’m still mad at you for setting off that… thing, so close to town. But eventually we’re going to have to move past that. When we do, we’ll… start sharing a bed again” she started.
“Is there something wrong with that?” Anon asked.
“No there’s nothing wrong, it's just, I can’t keep up with it anymore,” Cream admitted.
“We can cut down to two rounds each if it helps,” Hippanon offered.
“That’s not a solution, I could barely handle six of you, now there’s eight? Anon I’m not a college filly anymore, I can’t handle getting rutted by eight stallions every night anymore” Cream explained.
“Wait, what's this ‘anymore’ about” Unianon asked.
“Anyway, it wouldn’t be fair to exclude any of you because… well you’re all you” Cream went on.
“So I’ve found a solution,” she said.
“You want an open marriage?” Ponanon asked.
“What?” She asked.
“He said nothing,” Griffanon said, clamping his claw over his earth pony counterpart’s mouth.
Opening the doors, Cream brought in seven other mares.
A unicorn, a pegasus, a thestral, a zebra, a changeling, a hippogriff and a griffon. All of them shared a manestyle along with eyes and coat colour, the ponies all having the same cutie mark as well.
“Anons, meet me, and me” Cream introduced herselves.
Not giving her a verbal response, the Anons’s jaws dropped to the floor with an almighty thud, cracking the crystal material beneath them.
“Oh, here are your glasses by the way, sorry for borrowing them without asking” Cream said, giving Anon his glasses back.
AN: Don’t you love it when couples have things in common?
So what should we call the Heart sisters? Because I’m partial to Night Heart and Striped Heart for the thestral and zebra respectively.
“So… you used my glasses to make seven clones of yourself, because there’s too many of us for you to handle?” Anon asked.
As the Anons and Creams sat together, any confusions were beginning to be cleared up.
“Yes, I- her? We?” The griffon Cream Heart began. The confusion of them all being her still staying strong.
“I did, I love all of you Anon, but I’m only one mare, I can’t give everypony I love enough time by myself so I followed in your hoof steps” Cream Heart explained.
Button had joined them along with Albus, who were sat in the middle of the circle of creatures with their half sisters.
“Does this mean we have eight moms now?” Button asked.
“I suppose it does Button” Cream Heart shrugged, her voice full of uncertainty.
It was all a very confusing change for her, something that Anon could sympathise with.
“Don’t worry Cream, we all have the same love for Button, Albus, String Theory and Strong Teeth. But you’re their birth mother, nothing can change that” the unicorn Cream reassured her projenator.
“Thank you… I’m sorry but I didn’t catch your names. Do you even have them yet?” Cream asked.
“Just call me Magic Heart” the unicorn said.
“And I’m Cloud Heart” the pegasus introduced herself.
“Call me Gilded Heart” the griffon said.
“Night Heart” the thestral said.
“Striped Heart” the zebra said.
“Illusion Heart sounds like a nice name” the changeling mused.
“Twin Heart perhaps? Yes I like the sound of that” the hippogriff said.
And like that, all the Anons felt like morons for just having their names be the species they are with Anon added to the back of it.
But they all had hot wives so they couldn’t complain.
“Well, as long as everyone’s honest about their feelings on this matter. Everything’s good, right?” Anon asked.
Both the Hearts and the Anons all nodded, smiles and good vibes all around.
“I’m cool with it, but making eight Mother’s Day cards sounds like a hassle, I’ll just make one HUGE card for all eight of you” Button stated, lifting his front legs up to exaggerate the size of said hypothetical card.
“Aw Button~” the Cream’s cooed in unison.
Before the poor colt could react, he along with his siblings were being smothered in hugs and kisses and all other manners of motherly affection.
The three goals didn’t mind it though.
“There’s going to be a population boom isn’t there?” Unianon whispered.
“Eeyep” Ponanon agreed.
The Anons didn’t think the day could get any weirder than this.
But it did.
…
“There’s a cult about me?” Anon asked.
Sat opposite Cadence and Shining, Anon received some confusing news.
“Multiple as it seems,” Cadence said.
“The royal guard have infiltrated several cults from Whinnyapolis to Sunset in New Mareland” Shining explained.
“How the fuck do royal guards infiltrate a cult? They’re all white coated ponies in gold armour” Anon asked.
“We dyed their fur and gave them fake moustaches” Shining explained “and we got them out of their armour”
“Ah that explains it” Anon admitted.
Pulling out a map of Equus and Griffonia, Shining placed several bright red pins in various cities across both continents.
“We’ve tracked down at least fifteen cults, all of them seeming to build their practices around worshipping you,” Shining explained.
“Are they sex cults?” Anon asked.
“Only seven of them,” Shining stated.
“Oh good, nothing to be worried about then” Anon sighed.
“And the rest are death cults,” Shining added.
“Fuck” Anon said.
“Those in Griffonia seem to believe rather you’re the chosen of their death god Maar or that you ARE Maar” Shining explained.
“But why? I’ve never done anything to convince people- sorry, ponies, that I’m a god” Anon asked.
“Oh don’t worry too much about it Anon, it happens more often than you’d think. I remember when I became an alicorn dozens of cults sprung up thinking I was some kind of Fertility Deity” Cadence explained.
“There were so many lewd statues of you” Shining mused.
“I’m still mad you kept that altar” Cadence stated to her husband.
“Hey, we made Flurry on it didn’t we?” Shining chuckled.
“Um excuse me, I’m still here” Anon stated.
“Oh sorry, but don’t worry about it. You’d be surprised how often these groups form. Just young ponies with superstitious beliefs. I think Twilight has one or two in Canterlot right now” Cadence explained.
“Ok you guys, that makes sense, but I’m not an alicorn. Why am I being worshipped?” Anon asked.
“Well, you have done a few very unusual things since you arrived. You’ve survived things that would kill a regular pony, you walk in direct sunlight, you’ve moved two cities and a town multiple times, you seemingly command Discord and you’ve summoned alternate versions of yourself. To creatures that don’t know you it would appear that you’re doing all of this through your own will, and not external forces” Cadence explained.
“I’m from Florida, half of that is just a Tuesday on bath salts” Anon dismissed.
The royal couple looked at each other before looking back to Anon. What putting salt in a bath had to do with any of this completely going over their heads.
“So what are we going to do? Do I just go to all of them and explain that I’m not a god?” Anon asked.
“No, Auntie Celestia tried that when they started worshipping her, they were just convinced she was testing their faith” Cadence explained.
“So if I tell them I’m not a god they’ll think I am, if I tell them I am a god they’ll only be further encouraged. What CAN I do to stop this?” Anon asked.
“Well, considering most of them are operating in Equestrian territory you don’t have to do anything” Shining explained.
“Aunt Celestia is already making moves to get rid of the Maar cultists, the rest seem to be harmless, they’re mostly just doomsday preppers or young adults who meet to engage in…” Cadence continued before trailing off, a blush forming on her face.
“Mass orgies?” Anon asked.
“Y-yeah, that,” Cadence confirmed.
“Well, if I’m not in trouble and most of them aren’t hurting anyone. But it’s still weird, I mean I know I’m the apex of stallionhood but it’s weird to think someone out there is rather pounding or getting pounded while thinking of me” Anon admitted.
“Try going to sleep knowing it for years” Cadence responded sarcastically.
Pondering the idea for a while, Anon shrugged his shoulders.
“Eh, can’t say cute mares drooling over me would make me lose sleep” Anon stared blankly.
“It won’t just be mares” Cadence corrected.
“Oh… well now you’ve just ruined it for me” Anon replied, his harmless fantasies wiped away.
…
“So… There are eight of y’all now?” Applejack asked.
Having gone down to Ponyvillie to introduce themselves, the Hearts met up with the Mane Six at Sugarcube Corner.
“Yes indeed” Cream Heart smiled.
“I like it, now there are even more friends! Ooh I should throw a party to celebrate!” Pinkie squealed happily.
Most of the girls just seem to roll with it. Considering they’d gone through this with Anon before.
But while she seemed outwardly happy, Twilight couldn’t help but fear this was only the tip of an iceberg.
…
“Anon, are we the Skeksis?” Unianon asked.
As the Anons gathered within their secret dining club beneath the castle for their lunch, Unianon’s thoughts were invaded by dark ideas.
“Hell do you mean?” Anon asked, his mouth full of bacon.
“I mean think about it, we’re all autocratic rulers, we’re shards of a being from a different planet, we have control of a magic crystal that the locals find sacred. Skeksis Anon, are we Skeksis?” Unianon explained his question.
Going to argue for a second, Anon couldn’t help but see the comparisons.
Poking Griffanon as his beak was submerged in a bowl of rabbit stew, Anon got his attention.
“Hey Griff, are we the Skeksis?” Anon asked.
Looking around the room for a second, Griffanon turned back to Anon.
“Well we did have our secret dining room designed to look just like the dining room from their movie” he pointed out.
Their dining room under the palace was indeed modelled to resemble the one that was owned by the Lords of the Crystal.
“Fuck, we’re the Skeksis” Anon realised.
“Mmmmmmm~” Peganon whimpered.
…
After a full day, every creature great and small settled down for the night.
Celestia’s Sun had set and Luna’s Moon had risen into the night skies.
Button, Albus, String and Strong were all fast asleep. The Princess of the Night watching over their dreams.
While their clones ‘got to know each other’ the original Anon and Cream Heart sat together by the fire.
“Maybe we should go on vacation,” Anon suggested.
“Really?” Cream asked.
“Yeah, Cadence and Shining’s maternity leave is coming to an end soon. How about we all go on a family vacation together? Just you, me, you, me and the kids for a few weeks, once Button is done with this semester. I hear Puerto Caballo is nice this time of year” Anon explained.
Letting her smile get wider, Cream nodded “that sounds amazing” she agreed.
Cuddling against each other, Anon’s wing over her shoulder. The married couple grew only more confident in their life together.
“Do you want to go join the orgy?” Cream asked.
“There’s eight of you and seven of them are probably dripping wet right now of course I want to go join the orgy” Anon said bluntly.
“Correction, all EIGHT of me are wet~” Cream corrected him as she giggled softly.
AN: as always some random crap I threw together for the sake of giggles.
“Twilight is this all really necessary?” Anon asked tiredly.
Stood in the library of her castle/treehouse. Twilight moved a tape measure across Anon’s body, writing down the results.
“Anon you agreed to help me write a paper on your transformation from human to pony, now hold still I only have a few more measurements to take” Twilight explained.
“Yeah yeah, it’s still being named in my honour right?” Anon asked.
Rolling her eyes, Twilight couldn’t help my smile slightly as she shook her head.
“Yes Anon, it’s going to be called the Anon Effect you don’t have to worry, now step on the scales please” Twilight said.
Stepping onto the scales, Anon watched the numbers rise.
“One hundred and ninety five pounds exactly,” Twilight said as she wrote it down.
“Cool, I've lost five pounds since coming here,” Anon said happily.
“Yes, but you seem to be hiding eight pounds” Twilight said.
“Huh?”
“By my calculations, you should be eight pounds lighter, I’ve cross referenced your measurements with a normal pony’s and you’re eight counts heavier then you should be” Twilight explained.
“Ah, I think I know where all the weight’s gone” Anon said, coming up with a theory of his own.
Tilting her head, Twilight looked at him inquisitively.
The two remained silent for a couple of minutes before Anon realised she wasn’t going to figure it out, Anon gave her the answer.
“My cock and balls Twiggles, the missing weight is my cock and balls”
Immediately gaining a massive blush, Twilight shakingly wrote the figures down.
“O-ok, this at least explains a lot” Twilight almost choked.
“Explains what exactly?” Anon asked.
“Well, matter can’t be created or destroyed, it’s like magic in that regard. It can only be transferred, so while you were much larger than a pony when you were human, all your mass got redistributed along your new body. Thestrals aren’t meant to be the same size as an earth pony, yet you’re almost the size of Big Mac, and from what Pinkie’s told me once she gets too much cider in her… you’re, very gifted, down there I mean” she explained, her blush returning as the conversation of his junk returned.
“Ah that makes sense now, anything else?” Anon asked.
“No that should be everything, unless you’re willing to give me a sperm sample” Twilight said jokingly.
“Ok, do you need it fresh or can I just grab some from the fertility clinic?” Anon asked.
If she had been drinking something, Twilight would have spat it all over her nice crystal floor.
“E-excuse me?” She stuttered.
“I mean if you want just give me a cup and I’ll rub one out in the bathroom, but if not I’ve got a couple in reserve in the Imperial Fertility Clinic so I can go grab that” Anon explained.
“Anon, I-I was joking” she stuttered.
“Ah I see, well, have a good day Twiggles, come to the palace if you need anything” Anon said before leaving for his home.
Walking through town, the cool autumn air blowing against him, Anon was forced to stop.
He could smell something.
Something smelly.
A smelly something.
He could smell something that smelt, smelly.
At least it smelt that way to him.
He knew the smell.
“Pumpkin spice” he said, his voice filled with dread.
Looking around he could see ponies going about their day, but something was different.
They were buying up more candy than usual, fake cobwebs and pumpkin spice coffee.
These were signs Anon knew all too well.
“Nightmare Night is coming” he dreaded.
Many hours later, within the palace, the Heart sisters were worried.
Sat in a circle with their heads wresting on the table, the Anons looked more depressed then any being in Equestria had ever seen them.
“Anon? Are you ok?” Night Heart asked.
“There are three levels of depression a Flordiaman can feel. Californians moving into the neighbourhood, alligators getting shot by the police when they haven’t hurt anyone this time and when Disney World closes. Right now, I’m at Disney World is closed” Anon explained.
Giving each other a confused look on what a ‘Californian’ or a ‘Disney World’ was, the Hearts turned their attention back to the Anons.
“Sweetie, just tell us what’s wrong,” Cream asked.
“Can’t, we’re too depressed, ask Twilight, she loves explaining stuff” Ponanon groaned.
So with Night Heart borrowing Anon’s glasses they went off to speak to Twilight.
…
“I think I might know what’s going on” Twilight stated.
The Hearts had explained to her that the Anons were depressed and they couldn’t figure out why.
Now they all sat together, enjoying tea being poured by Spike.
“Do you remember Nightmare Night four years ago?” Twilight asked.
The Hearts shook their heads.
“No, I took Button to spend the week with my mother that year,” Cream Heart explained.
“Well let me catch you up. It all began nearly four years ago, it was my first Nightmare Night here in Ponyville” Twilight began to tell her story.
…
Four years ago, Nightmare Night was going the same way it always had.
Foals out hunting for candy while adults had their own fun.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders were enjoying themselves.
Applebloom was a skeleton, Sweetie Bell a witch and Scootaloo a… Rainbow Dash?
Eh they’re having fun.
“Hey, wanna see what Anon’s house is like?” Applebloom asked.
“Yeah!” Her friends shouted in unison.
Anon had given out king-size candies the year before, so they knew to hit his house first before anypony else got the same idea.
Travelling across the fields they arrived at Anon’s house.
It looked aged, vines were growing across its surfaces and the windows were dirty, like it hadn’t been touched in years.
“Gee wiz, Anon really went all out this year” Applebloom said as she trotted up to the front door.
Before she could knock, Applebloom turned around to see her friends were a few feet away.
“Applebloom, this feels like a trap. Remember last year?” Sweetie Bell asked.
Memories started flooding back, the image of a prosthetic worm monster bursting out of Anon’s shirt like it had clawed through his chest still sending shivers down the three fillies spines.
“Aw come on Sweetie, Anon’s not going to try that old trick twice… right?” Scootaloo asked.
Swallowing her breath, Sweetie stepped up to the door next to Applebloom with Scootaloo joining them.
As they knocked in unison the door swung open.
“Anon? You in there?” Scootaloo called out.
Cautiously they stepped inside, the house looked as if it had been remodelled. Candles hung from chandeliers, all of them unlit.
“I don’t think he’s home, we should get back to town” Sweetie suggested.
“Nah, knowing Anon he probably got something up his sleeve” Scootaloo dismissed.
Going into the living room they saw yet more unlit chandeliers. But also a large cauldron placed in the middle of the room.
“Hey look! A note!” Applebloom pointed out.
On a pedestal by the cauldron was a leather bound book, a candle and a note.
Picking it up the CMC began reading.
For the love of all that is holy, do not allow a virgin to light this black candle under the full moon.
“What’s a virgin?” Scootaloo asked.
“I think that means somepony who hasn’t kissed anypony yet,” Sweetie Bell suggested.
“Does family count?” Applebloom asked.
“I don’t think so?” Sweetie shrugged.
“Let’s light it!” Scootaloo said excitedly.
“But the note,” Sweetie reminded her.
“It’s obvious a ploy by Anon to set whatever’s happening tonight in motion” Applebloom said.
The girls searched the house until they found some matches.
Lighting one, Scootaloo reached up and lit the candle.
As it’s black flame was lit, the candles of the chandeliers burst to light one by one and a great flame burst underneath the cauldron.
Outside the house flashes of light and the sound of thunder could be heard, shortly joined by the sound of shrill laughter.
Seeing the front door fly open the CMC hid behind the sofa.
Bursting into the house were three unicorn mares, a green one with fiery curly red hair and prominent buck teeth and a leather book as a cutie mark, a red one with black hair almost pointed upwards like a hat but dropped down to the side, she was on the heavier side and had a visible drop on the right side of her face, her cutie mark was that of a pair of sniffer hounds, finally was a younger looking, more energetic mare with blond hair and a purple coat, her cutie mark was heart with a musical note within it.
“We’re home!” The lead mare called out as they began cackling madly.
“My curse was perfect!” She cried out as she moved into the house.
“Only because thou art perfect sister” the red mare said.
While they went towards the book, the blond moved around as if she was looking for something.
Eventually moving to the ceiling she pulled down a long leathery piece of something that resembled string.
“My lucky rat tail, it’s just where I left it!” She giggled happily.
“But who lit the black flame candle?” The green mare asked.
“Ah, book, time to wake up. I missed you, did you miss me?” She cooed, speaking to the book as she tapped on its cover.
The CMC looked on at these strange mares, shaking in their costumes.
“Oh we’ve done it now” Scootaloo whispered.
“We!! You’re the one who lit the candle!” Sweetie Bell whispered back more harshly.
“Winnie!” The red mare called, trotting up to the green mare now known as Winnie.
“I smell foals~” she said deviously.
That caught the attention of the other two mare, who gained devious smiles.
“Sniff them out Mary” Winnie said.
The CMC watched as this ‘Mary’ mare sniffed around like a bloodhound while the other two followed.
“Come little children, I’ll take thee away, into a land of enchantment-“ the blond mare started to sing before her mouth was covered up.
“Come out my dears, we won’t hurt you, we love foals!” Winnie called out.
As the three started getting closer to the sofa, the CMC responded the only rational way they could.
Sweetie somehow conjured enough magic to throw the sofa at the witches, they then jumped out the window and ran back to town screaming.
“They didn’t take the book,” Serah said.
“Yes I can see that” Winnie responded.
“What do we do now?” Mary asked.
“We… make the potion and go into town in time for our musical number?” Winnie suggested.
In Ponyvillie itself, the residents were enjoying themselves.
While Applebloom and Sweetie Bell looked for their sisters, Scootaloo looked for Rainbow Dash.
“But sis!” Applebloom protested.
“No buts about it young filly, whatever prank Anon’s got going on there ain’t any witches” Applejack said, not believing the story.
“That goes double for you Sweetie Bell, honestly I thought you were smart enough to see through Anon’s obvious pranks” Rarity chided.
“Hey everypony!” Scootaloo yelled through a microphone.
On a stage where Mayor Mare should be stood, Scootaloo had knocked over the microphone stand.
“Listen I know this is going to sound crazy, but me and my friends Applebloom and Sweetie Bell accidentally summoned three evil witches, there here and they’re real and- AND THERE THEY ARE!” She explained into the microphone. But as she did her expression turned to fear as the Sanderson sisters arrived.
The attention of the whole town was on these three mares.
But not in the way the CMC was hoping.
“Thank you Scootaloo, for that marvellous introduction” Winnie thanked.
Watching the fillies and colts following the witches back to Anon’s house, the Mane 6 (minus Fluttershy who was mysteriously absent from the party) gave chase.
“Hey morons! Actual witches are stealing your kids!” Rainbow yelled out. Snapping the ponies out of the catchy toon.
Reaching the house, the Sanderson sisters served out a green liquid to every foal in Ponyville.
“Drink my little ones! Drink!” Winnie called out.
“No!” The parents called out as they raced towards their children.
But it was too late, one by one the foals drank the witches potions.
“It’s punch?” Snips said in confusion.
Letting out a burst of laughter, the Sanderson sisters disappeared, showing Anon, Trixie and Fluttershy, the two former laughing madly.
“S-sorry for keeping it a secret, Anon said it would be funny” Fluttershy apologised.
While all of Ponyvillie looked on in confusion, Anon continued to laugh his flank off.
“You should have seen the look on all of your faces! You were all like “oh please don’t eat our children” that was the best Halloween prank ever!” Anon continued to cackle, occasionally gasping for air.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie is so glad she was hired to perform illusions for this trick!” Trixie laughed.
“Oh hey Princess Luna, nice to meet you, I’m Anon” Anon stopped laughing to introduce himself to the Princess of the Night, who was standing over him.
Anon proceeded to spend two months in Canterlot’s dungeons and was banned from putting on any more Nightmare Night events under pain of exile.
Trixie was run out of town yet again.
And Fluttershy got a slap on the hoof.
It really hurt.
She cried slightly.
…
“And that’s why Anon isn’t allowed to do anything for Nightmare Night anymore” Twilight finished her story.
AN: Yes I know that Halloween is a month away, but don’t worry. I’ve got something BIGGER planned for the that special~
May have mistranslated a few lines but it’s been a while since I’ve seen the film so YouTube’s helped a bit.
Come on we all agree Anon would throw the best Nightmare Night parties.
Anon, still depressed that he can’t traumatise Ponyville this year, sat eating some ice cream and watched some birds fight over a worm.
“It’s oddly quiet, is this what life without me in it is like?” Anon asked.
While he thought on the silence, a knock came on the door.
“Come in!” Anon said.
Opening the door, Crystal let herself in.
“Your Majesty, we have a problem” she stated.
“Is it my fault?” Anon asked.
“Strictly speaking no,” Crystal said.
“No? Something isn’t my fault for once? Ok this is serious” Anon said, getting to his feet.
Following Crystal out of the palace, standing in the city centre was a well dressed unicorn.
Which shouldn’t be hard considering most of them are naked but he went above and beyond.
“What’s fancy pants doing here?” Anon asked.
Letting out a huff, the magenta unicorn held himself high, chest puffed outs d head held high.
“That would be my cousin Mr Anonymous” he stated.
“Actually it’s King Ano-“ Crystal tries to correct him, only to get cut off by the stallion.
“Yes yes whatever, my name is Count Snobby, his Royal Highness, the Regent of Equestria Prince Blueblood has formally banished you from Equestria. Please vacate the kingdom at once” Nepotism explained.
A few moments pass, mostly Anon and Snobby staring at each other.
At first trying to suppress it, Anon burst out in laughter.
Cackling, chuckling, snorting and all around having a whale of it.
After he calmed down, Anon looked back to see Snobby wasn’t laughing.
“Oh you’re serious, let me laugh harder” Anon stated.
Proceeding to laugh even harder, Anon managed to piss off Snobby.
“Don’t laugh at my authority you peasant! I’ve been given it by Prince Blueblood himself!” Snobby snapped.
“Blueblood? Authority? Ok Celly you can come out, great prank” Anon called out, waiting for Celestia to come out.
Snobby smirked “the Princesses are away in Zebrica on a diplomatic tour. Until then, Prince Blueblood is Regent, acting as if he was Princess Celestia herself” Snobby explained smugly.
“Prove it” Anon demanded.
“I’m sorry what?” Snobby asked.
“I don’t believe she’d leave Blueblood in charge. So prove it” Anon explained.
With his right eye twitching slightly, Snobby went to say something, but turned to leave instead, stomping his hooves as he went.
“Twenty four hours! Then the Prince is sending in the troops!” Snobby called out.
“Sire, I have a bad feeling about this” Crystal warned.
“Oh don’t worry so much Crystal. I’m sure there’s a completely logical explanation” Anon replied.
After a couple of hours, Cadence and Shining arrived on the train with several royal guards and confirmed there was indeed a logical explanation.
“There was a coup!?” Peganon said in shock.
“I vote we invade” Rosa said, raising her hoof.
“Rosie I love your energy but no” Anon shut her down.
“I’m afraid so. Aunt Celestia asked me to act as Regent while she and Aunt Luna went on a goodwill tour across Zebrica to strengthen our economic ties. But the nobles managed to bribe key members of the guard to promote members of their families. Before I knew it they had pushed me and Shining out of Canterlot and have pledged loyalty to Blueblood” Cadence explained.
“Ok, several questions,” Anon said.
You’re an alicorn. Why didn’t you just smash them?
Why don’t you just call Celly and Lulu to come smash them?
Why don’t you just rally an army and smash them.
“It’s not that simple Anon” Cadence stated.
“It sounds exactly that simple” Rosa muttered.
“Firstly, nobles have massive power over the capital, if I force them into submission they can manipulate public opinion into believing I’m the tyrant” Cadence explained.
“Secondly, the tour will shape the economic future of Equestria. With Griffonia in its current state, Zebrica is home to our major trade partners, even the slightest detour and our entire trade industry could be put at risk, we’ll have to deal with this ourselves”
“Finally Canterlot is a virtual fortress against assault, the body count would be too high”
“Unless it’s changelings,” Rosa reminded her.
“So a bunch of socio-political bullshit is stopping you from just marching in and firing a fat kamehameha in Blueblood’s face, got it. Don’t worry, as always, I’ve got a plan” Anon explained, much to the dread of the royal couple.
Gathering his counterparts, Anon began to explain his master plan.
“Gentlemen, Cadence, Rosa. We have a large crisis. In fact, if you got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying 'This Is a Large Crisis' and a large crisis requires a large solution. Fetch a tub of blue dye, two pairs of comedic shoes, some black and gold robes and a Zebrican prostitute” Anon stated.
While to the unenlightened ponies who surrounded him, this seemed like the ravings of a mad stallion. To the Anons, this was a master plan of the highest order.
Several hours of the Amor couple and the Elements of Harmony making their own plan to depose Blueblood passed after the Anons disappeared.
“Maybe we should just have Shy give him the stare™” Rainbow suggested.
“If I’m being honest Darling, I don’t think even Fluttershy’s stare™ can break through his ego” Rarity said.
“If it were rocks it would weigh enough to sink a fleet” Cadence agreed, having had to live with the prince for several years.
“Alright we’ve gone through every idea from replacing his tea with bubblegum to using the Elements on him and so far we’ve found nothing that would depose Blueblood that would fit inside the restrictions” Twilight signed.
“I still think the bubblegum would work” Pinkie defended her idea.
“Pinkie, your plan ends with him choking to death” Applejack reminded her.
“The needs of the many Jackie” Pinkie defended.
“Hey girls, what's up?” Anon Asked walking in on them.
“We can’t figure out a way to depose Blueblood that doesn’t require Cadence forcing her way back on the throne or triggering a civil war” Twilight stated.
“I can't believe I’m saying this Anon, but what’s your plan?” Cadence asked.
“Oh I already did that” Anon informed them.
With a look of fear crossing every face other than Pinkie’s, they all yelled in unison.
“WHAT!?”
“I said I did my plan already, you girls have been in here for like six hours. Me and Shining took the kids to the park for an hour while you were in here” Anon explained.
“Anon, WHAT was your plan?” Twilight asked.
“I threw Zigzag at Blueblood” Anon explained.
“What the buck is a Zigzag?” Rainbow asked.
…
Within Canterlot, Prince-Regent Blueblood sat through yet another meeting of nobles.
With each report and discussion he paid slightly less attention. His position has proven more effort than he imagined.
“Um, sire?” One of the nobles asked.
“Hm?” Blueblood asked.
“A traveller is requesting an audience, he claims that he seeks a position in the royal court, and that he has a gift” he explained.
“A gift?” Blueblood thought, his attention having been gained.
“Well, there’s no harm in receiving a gift from my adoring subjects, see them in” he said, giving the guards their orders.
As the doors opened, an entourage of unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies entered.
Three unicorns lead the parade, singing as they did.
“Have no fear! Have no fear! Zigzag the Grand Vizier is here!”
Following shortly behind were four pegasi. Two unrolling a large red carpet and two rolling it up a carpet behind it. When one carpet ran out the other would be moved in front of it.
On the carpet was a well dressed blue pegasus with a vulture circling three golden balls as a cutie mark. With black robes with a golden trim and holes cut out for his wings and a golden cap covering his mane. Unlike many stallions he appeared to be wearing shoes, also gold, with jewels on them, they seemed to uncurl to great length as he stepped, then curled back up as he lifted his leg. The unicorn walked along the carpet.
Behind him, four earth ponies carrying a palanquin with its curtains drawn.
As the group approached Blueblood and the nobles they stopped.
Stepping forward the blue pegasus bowed lightly.
“Your royal highness, have no fear, Zigzag the Grand Vizier is here” Zigzag introduced himself.
Blinking at the pegasus for a moment, Blueblood raised an eyebrow.
“I… see. And what is it you do?” He asked.
“I am a travelling advisor, leaving each land I visit richer and each leader I serve wiser. I’ve served Emperors and Kings, dynasties old and new. And now o Prince of Equestria I offer my services to you” Zigzag explained.
Blueblood wasn’t convinced. You could see it in his eyes, the dismissive look was obvious to anyone who was watching.
“Yes that’s very nice, now I hear you came with a gift of some kind?” Blueblood asked.
Almost sliding across the floor effortlessly, Zigzag spread a wing over Blueblood’s shoulder as he smiled wildly.
“For the greatest of the great, to rest you from affairs of state” Zigzag began.
“I’ve searched the world and brought you things, at no little effort and great expense. A plaything, from far south of Gaza, a bountiful maiden from, Marebasa~” Zigzag continued.
As his words slipped into Blueblood’s ears the prince perked up.
“Marebasa” some of the nobles whispered.
Going to the palanquin, Blueblood peaked behind the curtains.
His eyes widened at the sight of his ‘gift’
A young, beautiful zebra mare dressing in silk and gold, laying seductively on her side, batting her emerald green eyes at him while she smiled.
Withdrawing his head Blueblood managed to control the blush forming on his face (but not his growing colt parts)
“Well ‘ehem’ Zigzag, I don’t see why you can’t stay a while” Blueblood stated.
…
“King Faisal I’m sorry but I must refuse” Celestia stated.
In the court of King Faisal of Saddle Arabia. Princess Celestia and Luna sat enjoying a feast held in their honour.
Well Luna was, Celestia was under assault by the king’s relentless persistence.
“Princess I see no problem with my proposal, I would be willing to double the oil exports to Equestria if only you’d give your blessing for my son to take Princess Twilight Sparkle as his wife” Faisal said.
“While it is a generous offer, I will not pressure Twilight into a marriage she did not choose” Celestia stated.
Faisal took a sip of his drink while he formed a response.
“I don’t see why she would be pressured, it would benefit her kingdom. My son is a good stallion, your highness, I promise he will treat your daughter with respect” Faisal said.
The room went silent as the sound of Luna spitting out her drink was left as the only noise.
Celestia, having unwittingly extinguished all light with her magic, looked at the King in shock.
“I-I’m sorry, what was that last part?” Celestia asked.
Faisal tilted his head slightly, confusion covering his face.
“My son will treat your daughter with respect?” He said.
“Your Majesty, Twilight isn’t my daughter” Celestia clarified.
“Ah, apologies your Highness, I had no idea” Faisal apologised.
Looking past Celestia, now focused on Luna, Faisal continued talking.
“Like I was saying Princess Luna, my son would treat your daughter with great respect”
“We are not Princess Sparkle’s mother” Luna corrected.
“What event led you to believe I was her mother to begin with?” Celestia asked, curious how he could think Twilight was her daughter.
“Well, if the rumours were to be believed, you hid her at birth to protect her, disguising her as your student and hiding her alicorn heritage through magic. I mean it would explain your bountiful foal bearing hips” Faisal explained.
And thus, for a moment, Celestia felt a level of hate equal to Anon’s hatred of paying taxes.
Shooting Luna a glare as she held in a childish giggle, Celestia swallowed her own anger.
“Why does everything revolve around my flank?” Celestia thought to herself.
AN: Inspired by a comment made by Even Evil Has Standards.
Also Celestia is fully aware of what Blueblood is up to, this is meant to be a test for Twilight. But as always Floridaman came out of nowhere breaking everything.
“So let me get this straight, you dyed Peganon blue, hired a Zebrican prostitute to pretend to be a gift for Blueblood, and now they’ve infiltrated Canterlot” Cream Heart said, making sure she understood everything.
“Another flawless Anonymous plan” Anon stated.
The sound of several hooves slapping against the faces of their owners could be heard in the distance.
“Why?” Cream asked, her voice almost sounding pain filled.
“Well now we can plan a counter coup” Anon explained.
“A counter what?” Twilight asked.
“Well now I’ve got someone on the inside we can instruct him to manoeuvre Blueblood out of favour causing the nobles no choice but to let Cadance be regent again. Or whatever the endgame here is” Anon explained.
“That- is actually a really good idea” Cadance admitted.
“Yeah good going Anon” Twilight agreed.
“Thank you girls I’m a stallion of many talents” Anon ‘humbly’ said.
“So what now?” Pinkie asked.
“You girls are free to do whatever, I need to prepare olan B” Anon stated.
“What’s that?” Applejack asked.
“Build megaspells like there’s no tomorrow just in case Peganon fails” Anon said.
“Aaaaaaand we’re back to square one” Applejack sighed.
“Anon you promised Celestia you wouldn’t build any more of them!” Twilight chided.
“That was then, now is now, right now Blueblood is effectively ruler of Equestria. The fact that happened is enough to warrant the extinction of your entire race” Anon argued.
“It’s temporary, when the Princesses get back-“ she began before being interrupted.
“IF! Zebrica is a rough place, they could be killed, or caught in a sand storm, or catch an exotic disease. If that happens Blueblood will be King of Equestria, or just Prince but with power. Again it warrants genocide” Anon said.
“Anon let me put it this way, if you build one more megaspell, despite there being eight of me now, you won’t be getting any for ten years. Right girls?” Cream Heart threatened.
Nodding in agreement, the Heart sisters stared down their husbands.
“Ok you girls win, no megaspells” Anon quickly surrendered.
“We’ve got to come up with a defence against that” Unianon whispered.
…
“To all whom it may concern. I, Princess Celestia, Princess of the Sun and Co-Ruler of Equestria, hereby dictate that all creatures of the world should know. Twilight Sparkle is not my daughter, I did not have her raised by unicorns due to her being born from an affair or to protect her from assassination. And no, my hips are not wide foal bearing, nor are they the loving curves of motherhood” Celestia dictated to a scribe.
Luna simply sat on the sofa near her sister. The servants of King Khefer of Maregypt pampered the Princess of the Night.
“Sister, don’t thou think you are taking this too personally?” She asked as Celestia paced back and forth.
“How would you react if somepony assumed you were a mother Lulu? I don’t look that old do I?” Celesita asked, checking herself in the mirror for wrinkles.
“Sister you look not a day over two hundred and ten” Luna stated.
“Good, I know I’ve eaten more than a little cake in my life. But I make sure to exercise daily” Celestia stated.
“Tia, raising the sun every morning doesn’t count” Luna said.
Puffing up her cheeks in a huff, Celestia ignored Luna’s giggling.
“Tia you have nothing to fear. Even if your rump were twice its current size you would still radiate beauty and draw the lust of all Equestria’s stallions” Luna reassured her.
“It’s just… nopony has ever assumed I was a mother before. Even after a thousand years, it only just occurred to me how old I am compared to all my little ponies” Celestia explained.
“Age is just a number sister. Look at Anon for example, he is barely twenty four yet he prefers mares who are twice his age. Before he and Cream Heart met he even had more than a few fantasies about you~” Luna said, chuckling at the sight of Celestia’s cheeks going crimson.
“I really didn’t need to know that Lulu” Celestia stated.
“Neither did I, yet I still had to watch a dream version of you crush poor Anon to death with your rump” Luna said flatly. The unpleasant memories still contaminate her mind.
“Aaaaaanyway. How do you think Twilight is doing?” Celestia asked.
“Presumably well, but are you sure it was wise? Setting up this fake coup we mean” Luna asked.
While unorthodox, Luna couldn’t deny the genius of her plan. Create a fake coup against the alicorns that would lead to Twilight taking the initiative in Equestrian politics.
A precursor to her ascension to the position of sole ruler of Equestria.
“It’ll all be fine Lulu, the nobles and I have an agreement. They pretend to overthrow Cadance then get overthrown themselves by Twilight, I return and pardon them then grant them the tax cuts they’ve been hounding me for” Celestia explained.
“It just seems a little convoluted” Luna pointed out.
“I work in mysterious ways sister, I work I’m mysterious ways” Celestia chuckled.
…
Within the Royal Castle, Peganon and Zira the zebra prostitute plotted.
“How much longer do I have to keep up this act?” Zira asked in a thick Manehattan accent.
“Until Blueblood is gone. Besides you’re being paid by the hour and you’re being showered in gifts by the dimwit, all you have to do is pretend to be from Marebasa and sleep with the idiot. I have to speak in rhymes and manipulate the entire government!” Peganon stated.
“And what do I do if he asks me about Marebasa? I’ve never left Manehattan until now” Zira asked.
“Make shit up, I doubt he’s ever been there” Anon instructed.
While they spoke, a knock came on the door.
“You can’t be discovered here, hide!” Peganon whispered as he hid her under a table sheet.
“Yes!?” Peganon called out.
Opening the door to his chambers, one of Blueblood’s guards entered the room.
“Apologies your grace, but Prince Blueblood requests your presence” he explained.
Travelling to the throne room, Peganon greeted Blueblood as he sat in Celestia’s throne.
“Have no fear! Zigzag your grand Vizier is here!” ‘Zigzag’ rhymed as he approached the throne.
Smiling lightly Blueblood stepped down from Celestia’s throne until he was at eye level with Zigzag.
“Ah Zigzag, quick to the summon as ever I see. I have an issue and I seek your council” Blueblood explained.
“As you know, that uncivilised bruit Anon has parked some cities on Equestrian soil and declared himself a King. Could you imagine that? Someone just making themselves a King? He doesn’t even have the breeding of education” Blueblood began, chuckling at the idea of someone who wasn’t born into it being a royal.
“Praytell, weren’t the Princesses born commoners as well?” Zigzag asked.
Snorting, Blueblood flipped his perfectly groomed mane back with his hoof.
“That’s different, Aunt Celestia is an alicorn” he explained.
“Anyhow, the cretin has been permitted to inhabit Equestrian land for far too long. Now I love my Aunt Celestia but she’s just too soft on him. But I’m not entirely sure my plan to push him out of our lands is effective” Blueblood said.
“What do you think?”
Getting a sinister grin, Zigzag poured on the charm.
“Oh Great Prince I must confess, I only see one way to pass this test” he began to rhyme.
But before he could continue, Blueblood let out a hearty laugh.
“Oh good, thank you for your advice Zigzag. I thought I was wrong to send an army to clear him out” Blueblood chuckled.
“What?” Zigzag asked, hoping he had heard wrong.
…
“I’m home!” Button called out as he placed his saddle bag on the counter.
“Button? Why aren’t you at school?” Cream asked.
“I tried to go but some guys told me I can’t” he explained.
“Oh yeah? Then and whose army?” Anon asked.
Following the small colt out to the city limits, Anon was met by legions of gold armour clad stallions and mares.
“The Equestrian army” Button stated.
“Oh that’s a good army” Anon stated.
A singular unicorn approached the city. He was much older then the average guard, and was wearing purple armour much like Shining’s and had several medals attached to his chest plate.
“Um, excuse me? You’re kind of blocking my view” Anon stated.
“My name is General Lionheart of the Equestrian royal army. The Prince-Regent Blueblood has requested that I remove you and your populace from Equestrian land” Lionheart introduced himself.
“Dude, where do you expect us to go?” Anon asked.
“You got Discord to move the city before, just do it again” Lionheart suggested.
“Why should we? Celestia said I could live here” Anon reminded him.
“That was then, I have orders to clear you out if you won’t leave. I’m sorry but orders are orders. If you won’t leave it will be counted as an act of war” Lionheart warned.
“Oh we’re not going to war, I’m going HIGHER. I declare the… Conqueror's Challenge!” Anon stated, pointing his right hoof at Lionheart’s face.
“You made that up” Lionheart called him out.
“No, it’s all right there in the Floridian Code of Conduct” Anon explained.
Lionheart raised an eyebrow as Unianon rushed out with a thick leather book with a gold stamp shaped like Florida hastily glued on the front.
“It’s all there on page seven eight four. A battle to the death between the greatest warrior of the attacking race and the greatest warrior of the nation under attack. If the greatest warrior isn’t available a replacement can be selected by the challenged government. Winner gets both kingdoms” Anon explained.
“Wait what?” Button asked.
“I… I’ll take this to Prince Blueblood. But I’m warning you, you can’t buy time forever” Lionheart said as he turned and left.
…
After hearing about Anon’s plan, knowing she wouldn’t be able to convince him to withdraw his challenge, Twilight made for Canterlot. Her only hope now was to convince Blueblood to run for his life, leaving Cadence to return to the Regency.
There was just one problem.
Blueblood didn’t know who she was.
“It’s me, Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic? Thrice Savior of Equestria? Princess of Friendship?” She listed off her various titles hoping they’d ring a bell.
But they didn’t.
Blueblood just sat there, completely unaware who she was.
“We sat next to each other at school for eight years?” She tried reminding him.
Still she got a blank stare.
“You acted like a pig to my friend Rarity at the Gala?”
More blank states.
“I’m the book-pony”
“Ah Twilight! What brings you back to the city?” Blueblood said pleasantly as his mind finally clicked.
Resisting the urge to go evil and destroy him, Twilight took a deep breath.
“Well, I’ve come to talk to you about Anon’s Conqueror’s Challenge,” she explained.
“Ah yes, since Aunt Celestia and Luna aren’t here I’ve decided to fight myself” Blueblood explained.
Feeling fear flooded her mind, Twilight’s fur physically started turning white when she heard that.
“P-please tell me you’re joking” she almost begged.
“Of course not! I was wrestling and hoof boxing champion at school for three years straight! And after all once Aunty Celestia comes back, being a King of my very own nation would be a nice reward for my Regency” Blueblood explained.
“Blueblood I’m warning you, Anon is unpredictable, he may seem like a goofy, silly, cute, daffy stallion” Twilight began.
“Wait, did you say cute?” Blueblood asked.
“BUT, underneath that appearance is a force of nature. Ponies have made the mistake of underestimating him before and they’ve all regretted it. Please, let Cadence resume her Regency or Anon WILL come looking for a fight” Twilight warned.
Letting out a dismissive snort, Blueblood picked up a mirror to admire himself with.
“Oh please Twilight, he’s a common thestral. He can wear a crown all he wants but in the end he’s nothing special. I bet this whole thing is just his way to buy time for Aunt Celestia to come back, he’s probably shaking in his coat as we speak” Blueblood monologued.
…
“Seventy eight… seventy nine!” Anon grunted, bench pressing a barbell in preparation for his fight with Blueblood.
“Anon I’ll ask you again, don’t go through with this” Cadence almost begged.
“Go for the throat and crotch. Those should be his weak spots” Rosa encouraged her father.
“I can’t, once the challenge has been declared it cannot be rescinded. I must force Blueblood into submission in the least gay way imaginable” Anon explained.
“Best make sure it’s also the gayest way possible, just to be sure” Rosa advised.
“Anon you made up the challenge, there’s got to be some way out of it” Shining said as he read through the hastily written words of the Florida Code of Conduct.
The FCC states that a challenge must be issued between the greatest warrior of an attacking race and the greatest warrior of a nation under attack. Both warriors can be chosen by their respective nations, though this is optional. The attacking warrior challenges the defending warrior to a trial by combat.
The victor of the battle, no matter who it is, may claim dominion over the defending nation or both nations and do with them as they see fit, including destroying them.
Should the invading challenger lose, they must never attack or visit the defending planet again.
Other or less powerful warriors engaging in battle with the challenging or challenged warrior is considered cheating.
If the challenged warrior does not show within the allotted time of the Challenge, the visiting challenger has the legal right to claim victory.
“Nope, he must yield and surrender his nation onto me if he wants to live. Hey Rosa sweetie? Could you get your dear old Papa another protein shake?” Anon explained, asking for a drink at the end.
“Do you want me to mix some of your ‘roids’ in with it?” Rosa asked.
“No, I asked Zecora those need to go in my butt” Anon explained.
“Anon Blueblood isn’t going to surrender. He’s a coward but he won’t surrender all of Equestria without a fight” Cadence explained.
“Then I will kill him and give it back to Celly when she gets home myself” Anon explained.
“Perhaps I can make it a little fairer~” a familiar voice suggested.
Popping into existence, Discord hovered over Anon.
“Sup Diz” Anon greeted.
“Sup Non” Discord greeted his fellow chaos spirit.
“What are you doing here Discord?” Cadence demanded, unhappy at the chaos spirit’s presence.
“I’m just evening the playing field a bit for my best friend. Blueblood has magic doesn’t he? Giving Anon a defence against it should even things up a bit” he explained before zapping Anon’s shades.
The glasses quickly morphed into a black draconequus shaped pendant on a chain. The pendant displayed one of Discord’s species curled into a ring, its face meeting its tail.
“This should counter most magic, no more worrying about Blueblood just levitating you up the whole fight” Discord explained.
“And here's one for that wife of yours as well, considering one of her is a thestral and all that” Discord said, placing it in Rosa’s hooves.
“This is going to be a good show” the draconequus chuckled.
“I have a really bad feeling about this,” Shining groaned.
…
Back at Canterlot, Blueblood was enjoying a cup of tea with some other nobles. Nothing going wrong in the slightest.
Other than the giant green fireball that crashed into their table sending splinters and inbred ponies flying everywhere.
Taking a step out of the fiery wreckage, somehow unharmed by the flames, was Anon. His eyes dead set on Blueblood.
“Prince Blueblood I’ve come to kill you and conquer your kingdom. Is now a bad time?” Anon asked, a sinister grin on his face.
“So this was all a convoluted lesson?” Twilight asked.
Rubbing the back of her neck, Cadence looked sheepishly at her sister in-law.
“Yeeeeah, Aunt Celestia wanted you to learn how to lead a kingdom in case you had to. So she organised everypony in Canterlot to pretend there’s been a coup and Blueblood is in charge” Cadence admitted.
Twilight took a couple seconds to process all of this.
“Twilight, I’m sorry I lied to you. But you have to understand Aunt Celestia has her reso-“ Cadence began before being interrupted.
“That makes so much sense! Nopony would ever pick Blueblood even as a puppet! It was so obvious yet I couldn’t see it!” Twilight giggled.
Blinking a few times, Cadence raised an eyebrow.
“You’re not mad?” She asked.
“Well I am a little. But I’ve got to admit, Celestia believing that I could overthrow the entire bureaucratic framework of Equestria’s actually quite flattering” Twilight explained.
“Oh, well. Good?” Cadence asked.
Seeing Blueblood get thrown through the wall behind them the two mares continued watching the fight between the Prince and Anon.
“So this is all staged as well huh?” Twilight asked, her mood swiftly improving.
Jumping through the hole he made, Anon let out a blood curdling war cry.
“Aaaaactually no. Anon is legitimately trying to kill Blueblood and take over Equestria” Cadence corrected the younger mare.
“Oh I see… oh no” Twilight said, her face dropping as soon as she realised what was going on.
…
“Tia, why did you turn yourself into a pegasus?” Luna asked.
Stood not as the tall and radiant alicorn she usually was, Celestia instead took the form of a pegasus mare. Near identical to her true form in every way but without her horn or gravity defying mane.
“Luna we have three days before we leave Colthage and return to see how Twilight has done. Our diplomatic ventures have succeeded so I’m going to the beach to prove once and for all that my flank isn’t that big” Celestia explained.
“By shrinking it?” Luna poked a hole in her sister's plan.
“It’s proportionally the same size!” Celestia said.
“Sister, you've taken this too far. Being self conscious about your appearance is perfectly normal. But changing yourself into a common unicorn and strutting about the beach is entirely too far” Luna stated.
“So you DON'T want to come to the beach where there will be thousands of young, FIT stallions?” Celestia asked, a little grin growing on her muzzle.
Luna looked at her for a second before “POOF” and she too was a pegasus.
“I’ve had to deal with a thousand heat cycles alone. This is for me not because you brought it up” Luna stated.
…
Continuing his climactic fight with Blueblood, Anon spat out some blood that had been pooling in his mouth. Taking a second to see his reflection in a broken mirror, Anon saw his lip had been cut open on something.
“I’d… give up… if I were… you- OW!” Blueblood panted before a vase smashed into his head.
Followed by another one, then a mural of Equestria’s founding, then a bust of Celestia’s head.
Throwing more stuff, Anon eventually threw the last priceless historical artefact.
“Crap! I’ve ran out of shit to throw!” Anon panicked.
“Ahah! I was waiting for that!” Blueblood said, shaking from side to side as he tried to stay standing up.
Just as his moment of victory seemed in his grasp, Blueblood was smashed against the floor as Anon THREW HIMSELF AT THE PRINCE.
Running into the corridor, the girls watched as Anon proceeded to beat Blueblood with a broken in half ceremonial staff.
“We need to stop this before they kill each other!” Twilight stated.
“More like before Anon kills Blueblood” Rainbow corrected.
“Whatever, the point is we need to stop this NOW! Cream you’re good at controlling Anon, do something- Cream?” Cadence said, looking at the queen of the empire, currently swooning as she watched the fight.
“Oh yeah, commit acts of violence for mommy~” Cream Heart drooled slightly.
“Cream Heart!” Cadence called out, surprised by her fellow mother’s actions.
“Cadence how would YOU react to your husband dominating a less masculine stallion?” Cream asked.
Blushing slightly Cadence stumbled over her response “that was one time and it was Las Pegasus” Cadence responded, sounding like she was defending herself.
“Wait what?” Twilight asked flatly.
“Citizens of Equestria! I have defeated your champion! As per the Florida Code of Conduct, ratified by the Kissinger/Cheney Acords I claim dominion over your entire nation!” Anon called out as Blueblood started bleeding out over the floor.
“Does this mean I can wash out this dye? I think I might be allergic” Peganon/Zigzag asked as he popped his head out from behind a door, scratching his neck profusely.
“We’re all doomed,” Applejack stated.
“I’m moving to New Mareland” Rarity stated.
“Can I come with you?” Rainbow asked.
…
“ALL STALLIONS ARE BASTARDS!” Celestia cried as she stormed back into her guest room at the Colthaginian Grand Hotel.
“Sister it wasn’t that bad” Luna said following her sister close behind.
“He thought I was your MOTHER Luna” Celestia reminded her.
“Well I think the correct term he used is milf, but that’s still not a reason to hold his head underwater for three minutes” Luna said, defending the poor earth pony who tried hitting on them.
“Those horse colts were better right? If they didn’t insinuate they wanted a foursome that might have been our summer flings sorted” Luna said, trying to cheer her sister up.
Flopping onto her bed, Celestia buried her face in her pillow and let out a muffled scream.
Climbing up onto the bed next to her, Luna put a caring hoof on her sister’s shoulder.
“Tia I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you hoped it would” Luna said, using a comforting tone.
“You know what really did it? That little foal waddling up to me and calling me ‘Mommy’” Celesita said, lifting her head out of her pillow enough to speak.
“In the foal’s defence you did look EXACTLY like her mother” Luna reminded her.
The image of the white pegasus mare coming to collect her foal is still fresh in her memory.
Looking back on it, Celestia remembered strange feelings moving around her mind during that encounter.
After a while, Celestia came to a profound epiphany.
“Luna, I think that might be it. I’m not upset that stallions assume I’m a mother, I’m upset that I’m NOT one” Celestia came to her grand realisation.
“Tia, think very very carefully about what you say next. The last thing we need is for you to rush into something you haven’t thought through” Luna warned.
“I know I know, but… I think I might want to have a foal” Celestia explained.
AN: Say what you want. I still think Sun-Bun would make a good mother.
Now we just need to find a way for Anon to sabotage it.
Nothings set in stone, but I definitely want groundhogs to be involved.
“Alright Tia, let’s go over it again. You think you want a foal?” Luna asked as she and Celestia sat at the table.
“Maybe? I mean I always assumed one day I would be a mother, but it was never the right time. First there was Discord and Sombra then… Nightmare Moon. Then I had to be sole ruler of Equestria, raise both the Sun and Moon and run my school all at once. It wouldn’t have been right to have a foal when I wouldn’t be able to take care of them. But things have changed, you are back, Twilight and her friends have settled into their roles as defenders of Equestria, honestly the most stressful thing I have to put up with is-“
“Extra extra! Read all about it! King Anon of the Crystal Empire conquers Equestria!” A newspaper salespony called out.
Poking her head out the hotel window, abject fear being hidden behind her eyes, Celestia looked down at the colt selling newspapers to passers by.
“I’m sorry young colt, what was that?” Celestia asked, hoping she had heard wrong.
“I said that King Anon conquered Equestria. Ten bits and you can read it” he called upwards.
…
In Canterlot there was upheaval.
Crystal guards and the undead patrolled the streets as those involved in the coup were rounded up.
Within the castle itself, Anon was running Inkwell and Crystal ragged as he personally saw to every Equestrian law being rewritten.
“Monday is now Wednesday, tangerines are now marsupials, science is now a brand of pie and everything one hundred and fifty miles south and seventy miles west of Manehattan is now New Jersey” Anon monologues.
Trying their best to keep track of everything, Inkwell and Crystal frantically scribbled on ever expanding scrolls while trying to follow Anon around the throne room.
“Anon, I’ll be honest with you” Applejack said as the Mane 6 watched on from the side.
“Do you ever do anything else?” Anon asked dryly.
“Y’all are way in over your head” she stated the obvious.
“My dear dear AJ, that’s the point! Celly and Lulu will be home in a couple days and I need to cause as much chaos as possible before they get back to reclaim their thrones” Anon explained.
“Oh that reminds me, order five thousand groundhogs and order the printing company in charge of making the dictionaries to replace 500 words at random with Aladeen, including positive and negative” Anon added.
“That… that’s going to cause so much confusion” Twilight pointed out.
“Correction, that’s going to Aladeen so much Aladeen” Anon corrected.
“Ok are we sure we can’t use the Elements to trap him in a statue?” Rainbow Dash whispered as she listened to Anon outlaw magenta.
“No!” The girls whispered back.
“Listen, we’ll just have to put our hooves down and fix all of this before-“ Twilight began before being interrupted.
“Anon!” A familiar roar shook the castle.
“That” she finished.
Landing hard enough to crack the marble floor. Celestia and Luna glared down at Anon.
“Hi Celly, hi Lulu, how was your vacation?” Anon asked.
“I had many trains run over my rump so it was good” Luna said casually.
“Damn girl you know how to end a dry spell” Anon chuckled.
“Anon!” Celestia snapped.
“Sorry Celly, did you have a bad trip or something?” Anon asked.
“She didn’t get any” Luna stated.
“Luna!” Celestia said turning her head (and angry glare) to her sister.
“Well that sucks” Anon replied.
“What is the meaning of all of this!?” Celestia demanded.
“Oh this? Well bad news, Blueblood and some nobles overthrew Cadence and tried to take over Equestria. Good news I hospitalised him and took over the kingdom. Here’s the keys back” Anon explained, handing a massive hoop with hundreds of keys in it to Luna.
“We don’t have this many keys do we?” Luna asked, examining all the keys.
“Yeah first I lost them so I had new ones made but I found them again so you have like, five keys that unlock the same room” Anon explained.
Looking as if she was about to pop a blood vessel, Celestia took the deepest breath imaginable.
“Twilight?” She asked politely.
“Yes Princess?” Twilight asked back, trotting up to her mentor.
“Has anypony been hurt since I left?” Celestia asked.
“Well, no. Except Blueblood, and his bank account” Twilight explained.
“His account?” Luna asked.
“Before he got to the hospital he married a zebra named Zira he was seeing, thinking he was going to die. Then once he started recovering she divorced him and half his possessions and moved back to Manehattan” Twilight went on to say.
“Wait, papers of Anon’s takeover only just reached Zebrica, how did the divorce happen so quickly?” Luna asked.
“I streamlined the divorce process, anyhow I’ve got to wait for five thousand groundhogs so…” Anon started.
“Get out of my castle before I do something I’ll regret Anon” Celestia warned tiredly.
“Ok byeeee” he said flying off towards Ponyvillie.
“Why am I friends with him?” Celestia asked tiredly.
“He give good belly rubs and ear scratches” Luna pointed out.
…
With most of the chaos caused by Anon’s short tenure as King of Equestria fixed, Celestia and Luna sat down and began discussing how Celestia should go about being a mother with Raven Inkwell.
“So Raven, what are your thoughts?” Celesita asked.
“Well I believe it’s a wonderful idea, your Highness. You have all the qualities to be an excellent mother” Raven encouraged as she smiled.
“She already does it to the country” Luna muttered sarcastically.
“Luna! I thought you were behind me on this” Celestia said, annoyed by her sister’s response.
“I am Tia, but come on you couldn’t mother the citizenry more if you latched them to thy bountiful teats” Luna explained.
Blushing a deep shade of crimson, Celestia furrowed her brow while Raven hid her blush beneath her clipboard.
“M-my teats aren’t that big!” Celesita stated, hating how often her body proportions were being brought up.
“Whatever you say dear sister” Luna said, doubting her sister’s defence.
“A-anyway your Highnesses, first before you get pregnant, you’ll need to get married” Raven explained.
Celestia was taken aback by that statement, she only just realised she wanted to be a mother she didn’t even think about marriage.
“I, I didn’t even think of that” Celestia admitted.
“Well I suppose you could skip that, but it’s highly irregular for a member of nobility to birth a foal outside of wedlock. But you are a Princess so I suppose you could just skip it all together” Raven said.
“No. I, I actually like the sound of marriage. Cadence and Shining seem happy together. I think falling in love would be nice” Celesita stated.
Suppressing a school girl squeal of joy, Luna cleared her throat.
“I’m happy for you sister, but… who shall your husband be?” Luna asked.
“I… I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have to start looking” Celestia said.
Unknown to the princesses, a lone maid was listening in on their conversation. Her face had gone red with excitement.
“The Princess is looking for love!” She squealed inside her own head.
…
“Aunt Celestia, we have a problem” Cadence explained.
“I can see that” Celestia stated.
Less than a week after returning to the capital, nobles from across the entire kingdom had gathered. Each of them claiming they’ve gathered to compete in a tournament for Celestia’s affection.
“I don’t remember ordering any of this” Celestia said.
“I mean it’s one way of finding a stallion” Cadence said optimistically.
“She has a point sister, you just need to find a stallion you like and then we’ll rig the competition so he wins” Luna agreed.
“I have a bad feeling about all of this” Celestia groaned.
“Oh come now Tia, what’s the worst that could- why do I smell chocolate?” Luna began, her sentence quickly changing as she began to sniff the air.
…
“Happy Easter!” Anon called out.
Travelling via an airship who’s balloon was shaped like a bunny rabbit, Anon floated over Canterlot.
Underneath the airship was a large circular object painted like a giant Easter egg.
Dropping it from a great height it whistled before slamming dead centre into the tournament grounds. Exploding, it sent out a wave of magical energy, causing painted eggs and chocolate eggs to spawn out of nowhere.
Unfortunately while the city’s foals found it wonderful, along with a few adults, those attending the tournament did not.
Slipping and sliding all over the area as egg yolks were splattered about, the chaos uk monster in a fire that destroyed half the tents.
Fortunately there were no injuries beyond a few bruises.
…
“Alright Tia you can do this” Celestia thought to herself.
With the fiasco of a tournament cancelled she took to going on a blind date Cadence’s recommendation.
Sat at a small table with a gold bell on it, Celestia had gone without her crown and necklace, wanting to appear as normal as an alicorn could.
Her date was a light blue unicorn stallion with bright green eyes and a ball and chain for a cutie mark.
“Um, hello. I’m Celestia but please call me Tia. It’s nice to meet you” she introduced herself, slightly nervous about the whole situation.
Much to her relief her date seemed to be just as nervous.
“H-h hi, my name is sit on me, I MEAN SIT ON ME, I’m sorry I was trying to say sit on me, I mean-“ he continued to stutter.
Politely, Celestia excused herself, going to the bathroom then sneaking out the window after paying for the drinks.
…
“Adoption was probably the best route sister” Luna said, trying to stay encouraging.
“Right, how could I have thought about getting pregnant when so many poor foals go unwanted” Celestia agreed.
Approaching the Canterlot Home for Foals, the princesses were met by a middle aged mare locking the door behind her.
“Hello” Celestia greeted.
Jumping a little, the mare turned around, her eyes going wide as she saw the alicorn sisters.
“Y-your Highnesses! It’s an honour” she said nervously as she bowed before the two.
“Please no formalities, actually I’ve just come because I’m thinking of adopting a foal” Celestia explained.
The mare looked a little sheepish at that response, rubbing the back of her neck with her hoof.
“Is there something wrong?” Luna asked.
“Well yes, I mean no? I’m sorry your Highness, but there are no orphans anymore” she explained.
Looking at each other in confusion, Celestia and Luna looked back to the mare.
“Please explain” Luna asked.
“Well, during the time King Anon ruled, a rumour spread around that him being from another world was a lie and he himself was an orphan. Once it spread far enough couples started adopting at an extreme rate. I’m just closing the place down for now, frankly I don’t think there are any orphans left in all of Equestria” she explained.
Luna couldn’t help but giggle at her story.
“So what? They adopted foals because they were worried they’d grow up to be new Anons? That’s utterly ridiculous, it’s preposterous, it’s… actually their fears are well founded” Luna said, the thought of thousands of Anons sending a shiver down her spine.
“Yes, while their reasons are shakey, we’ve made sure to check in on the foals through social services and they’re all being taken care of, they’re happy even” the mare explained.
“I see, well, it’s good that they’ve all found a home” Celestia said, smiling lightly at the good news.
Returning to the castle, Celestia couldn’t help but be a little bummed at the lack of children.
“Sister do not be discouraged, we will find a way to make you a mother no matter what” Luna said, her chest full of bravado.
“I know I should be happy for them and I am. It’s just, I feel like the universe is trying to say I’m not meant to be a mother” Celestia admitted, having became discouraged by the last two failed attempts to become a mama.
Furrowing her brow, Luna puffed out her chest.
“That’s it! Desperate times call for desperate measures!” Luna stated.
Knowing how far her sister was willing to go when she thinks she’s helping. Celestia prepared for the worse.
“Luna please don’t do anything drastic” Celestia almost begged.
“Neh sister, your happiness is on the line and I shan’t stop until you are with child! Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go requisition Shining Armor from our niece” Luna explained, turning to leave and find Shining Armor.
“Luna! I can’t sleep with Shining Armor!” Celestia gasped in shock that she’d even suggest that.
“Of course you can, before they moved in with Anon their room was right next to mine. I could tell by the noises that he’s very virile” Luna explained.
“I mean he’s Cadence’s husband, I’m not going to sleep with him” Celestia said.
The two sisters looked at each other without a word for a few moments before Luna broke the silence.
“You know sleeping isn’t a requirement you could just go back to your room after he’s rutted you enough ti-“ she began.
“I’M NOT FUCKING SHINING ARMOR!” Celestia yelled out in the Royal Canterlot voice before quickly covering her mouth with her hooves as she realised how loud she was being.
Then they both realised Cadence was at the door.
“I… should I just wear a bell when I walk in?” Cadence asked.
Blushing profusely, Celestia covered her face with her wings.
“I- sorry about that Cadence, it’s just…” she tried to explain, unable to find the words for it.
“You’re having trouble becoming a mother” Cadence suspected, using a caring tone in her voice.
“Yeah” Celestia sighed.
“I know this is frustrating for you Auntie, but if everything else has failed, there’s always sperm donors” Cadence explained.
Hearing there was another option, Celestia perked up.
“Luckily there are a hundred fertility clinics in Canterlot alone. As long as nothing bizarre or unusual happens” Cadence said, giggling slightly.
…
“Happy Fourth of July!” Anon called out.
After lighting a fuse, thousands of large rockets shot up into the sky in a volley of light. Every building in Crystal City had half a dozen fireworks upon their roofs while the palace itself housed thousands of much larger ones.
A great display of light rippled through the sky, visible from all directions for a hundred miles.
“Wow! This is so cool!” Button said, holding a sparkler in his hooves.
“I know right? I can practically smell the tax evasion” Anon called out, his heart full of pride.
“The what?” Twilight asked.
“I said I can practically smell the freedom” Anon replied.
Enjoying their friend’s most beloved holiday, both the Empire and Ponyvillie enjoyed a night of American festivities and a hour long firework’s display.
Although… some of the rockets went off course.
…
“So ALL of the fertility clinics in Equestria have been destroyed?” Celestia asked.
Inkwell (who was wearing a coat peg on her nose” nodded.
“I’m afraid so your Highness, somepony must have been messing with a lot of fireworks because every clinic within two hundred miles of the Everfree has been burnt down” she said, her voice slightly nazily from the peg pinching her nose.
“And the rest?” Luna asked.
“Collapsed into sinkholes after an explosion in the groundhog population. They seem to have dug huge burrows under the buildings” Inkwell explained.
“Was anypony hurt?” Celestia asked.
“Fortunately no, they were all closed when it happened, but vast quantities of reproductive material was lost. Excluding those in the loins of its male population, Equestria is out of sperm” Inkwell explained.
“This is disturbing, launch a formal investigation into what’s causing this” Celestia ordered.
“Of course your Highness” Inkwell said with a bow.
“And one more thing. Why are you wearing a nose peg?” Luna asked.
“Forgive me your Highness, but the smell of burning semen isn’t very pleasant” Inkwell explained.
“Ah so that’s what that is” Luna said calmly as the foul smell hung in the air.
…
The next day, in the Crystal Empire, Anon had what can only be described as an apocalyptic hangover.
“And to my daughter Rosa I leave my gothic paint job PlayStation 5” he groaned as he swallowed another hoof full of pain killers.
“Anon sweetie you aren’t dying, you just had too much to drink last night” Cream said, placing a cup of coffee on the bed desk.
“It’s the Fourth of July, if I don’t drink more than an alcoholic stepfather then my ten times over Great-Grandfather died in the battle of St Augustine for nothing” Anon argued.
“Your ancestors fought in the war this holiday is about?” Cream Heart asked.
“No but when he heard the British colonies were fighting against taxes he decided to copy the idea and started a riot trying to take over his hometown” Anon corrected.
Hearing a loud knock on the door Anon squirmed in pain.
“If they’re with the church or the government tell them to piss off” he hissed as he pulled a pillow over his head.
“Anon you are the government” Cream reminded him.
“I have become the very thing I swore to destroy” Anon whimpered.
Going to the door, Cream Heart opened it, revealing Celestia and Luna stood there sheepishly.
“Princesses, what can I do for you?” Cream asked.
“Well, I was wondering if the Empire happened to have any sperm banks, all of Equestria’s seem to have been… destroyed” Celesita explained.
Blinking for a moment, Cream cleared her throat.
“I’m sorry, I think I misheard you” Cream apologised.
“Well, you see. I’m trying to become a mother and I’ve run out of options” Celestia explained.
“Oh! How wonderful, well you’ll be in luck, follow me” Cream said as she led the two princesses to the royal fertility clinic in the city.
“One of Anon’s… unique ideas. Thanks to the pool he created dozens of copies of the griffons before they returned home and now harvest vast quantities of seed from them to sell to nations in Griffonia. Due to the instability and war they have a lack of males, as such the Empire’s third largest export behind crystals and luxury goods is…” Cream explained, trying to stop her face somehow going redder.
“Cum?” Luna asked casually.
“Luna, don't be so vulgar” Celestia chided.
“Sorry, seed” Luna corrected herself.
“Y-yes” Cream said.
“Now most of the pony seed is anonymously donated so I wouldn’t be surprised if your foal ends up an earth pony or pegasus” Cream warned.
“It doesn’t really matter to me, I just hope this goes well” Celestia said as she followed Cream into the large white building.
…
“LUNAAAA!” Celestia burst into her sister’s room, squealing with joy.
Groaning in annoyance, Luna listed her head up from her pillow.
“Tia if Canterlot’s not on fire again I’m going to turn back into Nightmare Moon” she tiredly threatened.
“It worked!” Celestia squealed with a huge smile on her face.
Canterlot was alive with excitement. News of Princess Celestia’s pregnancy had sparked celebrations nationwide.
But with all things involving the Princesses, conspiracy and gossip flooded over facts.
Noble stallions from all corners of the capital claimed behind closed doors that they were the foal’s father, while others believed that Celestia had an affair with the king of Saddle Arabia.
There was even one fanfic spread about that the whole royal family was apart of Shining Armor’s herd.
Yes, including Blueblood.
Especially Blueblood.
But none of it bothered Celestia. She finally had a chance to be a mother after all these centuries alone and that was all that mattered to her.
Although there was one excited pony she couldn’t brush off.
“OMC OMC OMC!” Twilight squaled as she bounced about.
Chuckling at her former student’s school filly level excitement, Celestia rested on a large soft purple pillow.
“I’m glad you’re excited Twilight” Celestia said.
“Excited? Of course I am! This will be one of the only two naturally born alicorns in recorded history! And you’re going to be a mother, how could I not be excited?” Twilight replied, still bouncing about.
“I’m happy for you too Aunt Celestia, although have been wondering, aren’t you the slightest bit curious who the doner is?” Cadence asked.
Shaking her head slightly, Cadence smiled at her niece “if he wanted me to know he would have put his name on his donation, I’ll respect his decision, although I wish I did know, at least then I could thank him for this gift” she explained, looking lovingly at her stomach, thinking about the foal growing inside her.
“That fair, but realistically it could be anypony in the empire or Ponyville, heck I’ve donated a few times, it could be my foal growing in there” Shining Armor chuckled jokingly.
Giggling at the thought, Cadence joined in “or Big Mac’s” she said.
“Or Sunburst’s” Twilight giggled.
The laughter infected the room, soon all four were laughing hysterically.
“Heck, for all we know it be Anon” Shining continued to laugh.
While he was still laughing, Shining quickly realized no one else was.
“What?” He asked, not seeing what he did wrong.
Until he did.
With her pupils shrinking down to the size of atoms, Celestia nervously chuckled “t-thats ridiculous, it couldn’t be, right?” Celestia asked, hoping someone would say no.
“I’m sure that’s not the case Princess, there’s no way, the chances are astronomical low” Twilight chuckled, secretly hoping she was right.
All four royals looked to one another and back in silence until Twilight somewhat changed the topic.
“Hey, where is Anon? Now that I think about it I haven’t seen him all day” She asked.
“Oh I’m sure he’s fine” Celestia stated.
…
“So there I was, fighting an Aztec stripper god, then the Nazis showed up and shot him with a UV cannon, but he had the red stone on so that only made him stronger” Anon continued his story.
Within the ruins of Cream Heart’s house, Anon told the heavily altered story of Battle Tendency to a trio of foals he found wandering the wasteland.
“Wow, wait a minute, how did you beat Kars if he’s so powerful?” One of the foals, a dirty blond unicorn colt asked.
“Well that’s simple, I pretended to run away, I lured him up to a dormant volcano and tricked him into causing its eruption and shot him into space where he would never return” Anon explained.
“What’s a volcano?” The second foal, an purple earth pony filly asked.
“A mountain that explodes when little foals ask too many questions” Anon lied, making the filly cover her mouth.
The final foal, a zebra colt, raised his hoof next.
“So how did you get here?” He asked.
“Well, that’s simple. I found a spell that allows me to travel through time, well, it lets Unianon travel through time, you doing ok buddy!?” Anon began to explain before calling out to Unianon who was collapsed on the sofa.
Letting out an untranslatable groan, Unianon failed to even lift his head.
“He’s fine”
“Anyhow back to the story. We decided to mess about with time by showing up to random historical events, thus tricking historians into thinking we were immortal” Anon continued.
“Wait so why did you come here? This isn’t the past” the zebra asked.
“Dude! Stop or you’ll upset the volcanos!” The earth pony warned.
“It’s ok that’s actually a good question, turns out Unianon was too inexperienced to control where or when we go so we got stuck here and now he’s too tired to cast the spell anytime soon so we’re stuck here” Anon explained.
“What about the changeling? Can’t he cast the spell and get you home?” The pegasus asked.
“He isn’t skilled enough” Anon stated.
“I was trying my best!” Changeanon stated before storming off in a sob, carrying a bucket of StableTech white paint with him.
Outside the house, the Anons were busy fixing up and clearing out the town of rubble. Joining them were a horse, a yak, a diamond dog, a yeti, a centaur, a minotaur, a kirin and a dragon. All of them sporting green fur or scales.
“Yo Drakeanon! How’s reconstruction going!?” Anon called out.
Clearing away dead trees Drakeanon turned to look at the house.
“It’s going ok, the flyers and I will have to go scavenge for food soon” Drakeanon said.
“Ok stay safe” Anon replied.
Once Drakeanon cleared the market area, he, Changeanon, Hippanon, Peganon and Griffanon went north in hopes of finding more supplies in the tainted wastes.
Those ground bound members of the group used broken furniture, debris and trees ripped from the Everfree by Drakeanon to construct a wall around the town.
Using the slightly rusted pipe rifles used by the raiders who once lived here (who quickly left after a dragon showed up) they took terns guarding the place.
Put on foal sitting duty, Anon took this chance to solve a question he had long since forgotten.
“Hey what are your names anyways?” He asked.
“I’m Golden Heart” the unicorn said.
“My names Wild Fire” the earth pony said.
“And I’m Zebara” the zebra said.
“Well, Golden Heart, Wild Fire, Zebara, it’s nice to meet all of you, I’m Anon” Anon introduced himself.
“So how are you going to get home?” Golden Gate asked.
“Heck if I know, rather I wait for Unianon to get his strength back and keep hopping until we get close enough to home or wait until Twilight and her friends find a way to pull us back” Anon explained.
While he didn’t know what it was, all three foal’s eyes lit up with excitement at what he said.
“You know Twilight Sparkle!?” They said in unison.
“Well, yeah, she’s actually one of my closest friends” Anon explained.
“Is she as smart as the legends say?” Golden Heart asked.
“Yep” Anon stated.
“Wow! Did you ever go on any adventures with her?” Zebara asked.
“Did I? Don’t any of those old legends talk about me? I’m Anon for Florida’s sake. King of the Crystal Empire, the Rizz Master, I was the one who taught Twilight the technique that beat Tirek and I PERSONALLY held Sombra at bay while the Elements found the crystal heart. Doesn’t any of this ring a bell?” Anon asked.
Suddenly the foals looked at each other with confusion and a little worry in their expressions.
“Wait, you’re THAT Anon?” Wild Fire asked.
“Are there any others?” Anon asked.
“I thought that was just a common name back in old Equestria” Golden Heart said.
“So what do the stories say about me?” Anon asked.
“I-I’m sorry” he shook a little, clearly scared of something.
“Zebara, there’s nothing to apologise for. Just tell me what’s the matter” Anon asked, knowing he’d need to use his kindest voice for the colt.
Hesitating slightly, Zebara swallowed a lump in his throat.
“My mother always told me stories about the Witch King Anon, that he was an undead monster who ate colts and fillies who didn’t behave” he explained.
Hearing this Anon raised an eyebrow, he thought having cults worship him was bad enough, in the future it appeared he was seen as a boogeyman.
“Well I can tell you now I don’t eat foals, or ponies in general” Anon said.
“Promise?” Zebara asked.
Chuckling slightly, Anon lowered himself down to eye level for the colt.
“Pinkie promise” he stated.
“I never heard that story, most of the ones my dad used to tell me about you were silly ones about you trying to fix a roof or not paying something called ‘taxes’” Wild Fire explained.
“Oh those ones are reall” Anon confirmed.
Looking out the window towards the dilapidated ruins of his old home, Anon’s eye twitched as that singular shingle was still loose.
“So what are you going to do while you wait for the Elements to come save you?” Golden Heart asked.
“Eh, this world kind of reminds me of something back home so I’ll probably fix up the town, try to figure out how to make the soil farmable again” Anon explained.
Having played copious amounts of Fallout 4, Anon and by extension his clones began to fix up the town.
A week would pass, the wall would be expanded to contain Ponyville and Sweet Apple Acres, the buildings would have their holes mostly patched up and Anon created an interesting new method of generating power.
“Are we being paid for this?” Golden Heart asked as he, Wild Fire and Zebara stepped on four squares below their hooves.
“I’m giving you food, shelter and clean water” Anon reminded them as he stepped on four squares below his own hooves.
“That sounds like slavery” Zebara pointed out.
“No it isn’t, you can leave whenever you want” Anon pointed out.
“But we’ll die in the wastelands if we do” Wilf Fire pointed out.
“Your point?” Anon asked.
“That’s just slavery with extra steps” Golden Heart said.
“Hey when this planet figures out a currency that isn’t a bottle cap I’ll start paying you” Anon explained.
While it may seem strange, these crude step boxes powered MacGyvered massage chairs allowing Unianon and Changeanon to charge spark batteries using their magic. He didn’t know what they were at first, just some junk left over from the raiders, that is until the foals explained it to him.
With the town’s meagre population taking turns on the step boxes they filled up the spark batteries, they went about the other jobs.
Digging up the ruins of Apple Acres, Ponanon, Centauranon and Bullanon and Horseanon had managed to get a plough up and running again. With the intention to slowly start regrowing the apple orchard.
As mentioned before, Unianon and Changeanon were filling up the spark batteries with magical energy, ensuring the town was able to run the limited lights.
Drakeanon, Yakanon, Yetianon (or Yeeti as the streets knew him) pulled down trees from the Everfree to build up and reinforce the walls.
Peganon, Griffanon and Hippanon scoured the skies, hunting for any raidable ruins.
Then there was Flameanon (the Kirin) and Packanon (diamond dog) who worked on making then using primitive tools to make all the chairs, beds and clothes used by the rest of the town.
It was hard, the environment wasn’t quite like anything Anon had ever worked in, but he quickly adapted, like a glorious parasite attaching itself to a new host.
When all was said and done he sat down in the remnants of his house to get a little more information on this time period out of the foals.
“So long ago there was a war between ponies and zebras, 99% of the population died, thousands are currently underground in doomsday shelters called Stables, the Sun dissapeared for a while before the clouds were moved, a bunch of alicorns showed up working for something called The Goddess and now a group called the New Canterlot Republic is trying to rebuild the wastelands?”
Wild Fire, Golden Heart and Zebaras nodded in agreement with Anon’s summary.
“Wow, all that sounds… terrible” Anon said.
“Eeyep” Wild Fire agreed.
“Well it ain’t all bad, the NCR seems pretty safe, we were actually trying to head for their borders before we bumped into you” Zebara explained.
“Are you still planning to go?” Anon asked.
“When you leave yeah, but for now I think we all feel safer with a dragon guarding us” Wild Fire said.
“Well I’m glad you feel safe here, this place used to be idyllic, nothing bad really happened in Ponyville from what I can remember, sure there was the odd villain attack but no one ever really got hurt. Not like this place” Anon explained, now feeling like he should have appreciated the mind numbing kindness of the pony race from before the war.
“It ain’t their fault, once the megaspells dropped everypony just forgot how to be friends” Golden Heart explained.
“Yeah, the collapse of society will do that to-“ Anon began, before his voice froze and his face turned to dread.
“I-I’m sorry what was that about megaspells?” Anon asked, hoping he heard wrong.
“Megaspells? My dad told me about them, apparently before the war unicorns could work together to make a HUGE spell called a megaspell. Both sides threw a bunch at each other and made the wasteland” Wild Fire explained.
Anon stayed frozen for a few moments before being pulled out of it by Golden Heart.
“You ok?” The colt asked.
“Y-yeah, hey it’s getting late, how about you three head to bed?” Anon suggested.
“Kay” they said before heading up to the bedroom they shared, the one belonging to Button over 200 years ago.
Making sure they were asleep Anon gathered his clones and explained the dark reality of this time they found themselves in.
“We, we made this world?” Peganon stuttered, shaken by the thought of it all.
“But how? We kept the megaspells secret, we’re the only ones who know how to make them” Drakeanon asked.
“Well we must end up letting it slip, or maybe someone found a way to enter our minds and take the knowledge?” Unianon suggested.
“It doesn’t matter, we’re here now. We made this mess so we have to fix it” Anon explained.
“How the hell are we going to fix an entire planet?” Zebanon asked.
“I don’t know but we can start at Ponyville, from there we can work towards getting this planet back on track” Anon explained.
All sixteen Anons looked to each other before nodding in agreement.
Without any knowledge to the contrary, the Anons became determined to fix their mistake. No matter the cost.
…
“So… Anon can time travel” Twilight explained to her friends.
The other Elements simply blinked as Twilight and the now redeemed Starlight explained the situation to them.
“And how do you know that?” Applejack asked.
“He left a note” Starlight explained, taking out a note she found in Anon’s study.
Dear Girls,
Found time travel spell in cave,
Going to see how cute Celly and Lulu were as foals,
Don’t know when I’ll be back,
But time travel so when is irrelevant,
Warm regards,
Anon,
“Ok is it possible to move timelines? Because I don’t think New Jersey is far enough to survive the fallout from this one” Rainbow Dash asked, now comprehending the knowledge that Anon can manipulate the timeline to his own Floridian whim.
“Rainbow, we need to figure out how to get him back” Twilight explained.
“How don’t you propose that darling?” Rarity asked.
“I’m glad you asked, we go to the library” Twilight said, giddy at the thought of books.
Groaning slightly, Applejack and Rainbow rolled their eyes.
“Twilight hun I love reading as much as the next pony, but-“ Applejack started.
“I’ll ignore that, anyhow Sugarcube, how is the library going to help us find Anon?” Applejack asked.
“Simple, Anon can’t lay low to save his life, eight of him definitely can’t. We’ll read through every history book we can find until we spot a point in time Anon appears in, then Starlight and I should be able to go back to just before it happened and retrieve him” Twilight explained.
“Wowie that’s super smart” Pinkie stated.
“Thank you Pinkie” Twilight thanked.
“Your welcome, also not it” Pinkie replied.
“Not it for what?” Twilight asked, tilting her head.
“For explaining to Cream Heart her husband is lost in time” Pinkie explained.
Quickly, each of the girls copied Pinkie, each saying “not it” until Twilight was the only one left.
“Oh come on girls!” Twilight moaned.
“Sorry Twilight, I’m not scared or anything but… I am, very” Rainbow said.
“Oh come on girls!” She whined “why do I have to do it!?”
“We’re not the ones who want to fuck her husband” Rainbow pointed out.
Blushing profusely, Twilight hid herself behind her wings.
“I-I don’t!” She protested.
“Twily, we’ve all done it, and we all know what that look means” Pinkie explained.
“Wait what?” Twilight asked, caught off guard by her friend’s statement.
“He was the first stallion on the farm during my heat cycle other than ma brother”
“Orgy with the Wonderbolts, took Sorin 2 weeks to get his confidence back”
“I chained him to my bed”
“Nightmare night game of spin the bottle”
“It-it gets lonely in my cottage sometimes”
“Wait, you’ve ALL slept with Anon?” Twilight asked, not sure if this was actually happening.
“Twilight, let me put it this way. If unicorns didn’t invent magic birth control, we’d all have little green foals running about our houses, same with Mrs Cake and Mrs Rich I think” Pinkie explained.
“Ok has anypony in town NOT slept with Anon?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, you” Rainbow pointed out before the girls joined each other in giggling fits while Twilight frowned heavily.
AN: Yeah this is going to be a wild one.
So who wants to see the Anons meet baby Celly and Luna? How do we know Anon ISNT baby Celly and Luna?
Within the library of Twilight’s castle, the Mane 6 searched through the complete history of Equestria, each reading a different volume in order to track down their missing friend Anon.
But so far they had found little to no trace of him.
“Have you tried Griffonian Imperial history Vol 1 through 9?” Twilight asked.
“Sugarcube, I know more about the geopolitical situation of late antiquity Griffonia more than any scholar, Anon ain’t there” Applejack explained.
“Zebrica?” Twilight asked, hoping for better answers.
“Nothing I’m afraid Darling, but I have gotten some ideas for outfits from these Maregyptian queens” Rarity explained.
“Well we’ll keep looking until we find him” Twilight stated.
“Hey Twily?” Pinkie asked.
“Yes Pinkie?” Twilight replied.
“Maybe we’re looking in the wrong place, Nonny said he’s going to see the Princesses as foals, we don’t really have any historical records from that time. Everything before the tribes solidifying is up to speculation, so maybe we should check the myths section” Pinkie suggested.
Once more, Pinkie managed to surprise her friends.
“Pinkie, you scare me sometimes” Rainbow admitted.
“I know” Pinkie giggled.
Little did any of them know, Pinkie had a degree in history and mythology.
…
While trying to relax during her pregnancy, Celestia couldn’t escape certain King Faisil visiting, still determined to forge a marriage between Equestria and Saddle Arabia.
“As I have said before your Majesty, I’m not interested in a blood alliance, apologies for your long trip here for nothing” Celestia stated calmly, having gotten tired of his persistence.
“With all due respect your Highness your options are shrinking, your continued enabling of the thestral isn’t winning you many allies”
…
Weeks after Anon’s incident at the Gala but before his first meeting with Cream Heart he was enjoying the bachelor's lifestyle to the fullest.
“Ooh a new oven!” Anon said in delight as he looked over the unlabeled gift.
Pulling it inside and getting it set up, Anon went about deciding what to make first.
“Oh this is the perfect time to try out that recipe cousin Bartholomew J Anon taught me back when I visited him in England” Anon thought to himself.
Putting together the ingredients, Anon prepared his meal.
“Ok, three eggs, flour and milk. Mix it all together to make the batter. Cook 3 sausages, 3 rashes of bacon, three slices of black pudding, some two portobello mushrooms. Put them all in the baking tray, pour over the batter and cook at 230 c for thirty minutes” Anon said to himself as he prepared his full English Yorkshire Pudding.
“Mmmm, fattening” Anon hummed to himself.
But his dreams of caloric heaven were dashed by a mysterious ticking sound.
“Hey what’s this pipe-like thing stuck to the back? And why does it say made in Saddle Arabi- OH FUCK!” Anon called out before a loud bang shook the town.
When the Mane 6 got there they found Anon, unharmed but covered in soot.
“Who would send you an exploding oven?” Rainbow asked.
“How the hell am I supposed to know?” Anon asked, nursing the headache he had gotten from the event.
“Hey lookie! I found something!” Pinkie said pulling out a piece of metal from the wreckage.
Property of the Saddle Arabian royal army.
“The king is behind this? I’ll write to Princess Celestia right now. Anon you go to Nurse Redheart and- where’s Anon?” Twilight said, before discovering Anon had vanished.
Days later in the palace of the Saddle Arabian royal family, King Faisil was heading to his bedchamber to join his queen and wife Farah in bed.
When he reached the door, Faisil had to stop. Through the wall he could hear the sound of giggling and moaning.
Throwing the doors open he saw Farah, a white coated mare with many jewels braided into her long black mane, her lower body hidden under their silk sheets with a mysterious lump underneath them.
“Farah!? What is the meaning of this!?” Faisil demanded.
“Faisil!? I-I can explain!” She stuttered in fear.
Before she could indeed explain, a large green thestral jumped out from under the sheets, a boombox in hoof.
“You!” Faisil sneered.
That’s when the boombox started spitting out sick beats.
Wait you douchebag,
I’m gonna end your life,
I am Anon Zero,
And I’m here to plough your wife!
I bring sex moves from the Internet and my skills are vast!
Like my Super Double Mega Ultra Nut Buster cum blast,
Oh!
Mares can’t resist my night-black flowing locks,
I’ll slap a stamp right on my package and deliver the queen the cock,
My fluffy coat is green,
The colour of victory,
While your fruity saddles blue,
Like your balls will soon be!
…
Back in the throne room, Faisil turned off the projector, anger still covering his face.
“Wait, how did you record all of this?” Luna asked, having walked in mid conversation on her way to get some toast.
“I keep a recording gem on me at all times, also I put on in the oven to make sure it worked” Faisil explained.
Celestia contemplated what she just saw for a moment before coming to a sound conclusion.
“Get out of my palace Faisil, I’m too pregnant for your shit” Celestia stated.
AN: Fallout Equestria is written by Kkat, please go check out their work.
Looking through the ruins of a Ministry of Peace building, Anon pushed over a filing cabinet.
Having gone scavenging for medical supplies Anon snarled in frustration as he found the place was already picked clean.
“Stupid 200+ years of survivors” Anon grumbled.
Before he turned to leave, Anon heard something knock over a can.
Raising his weapon he crept towards it.
Moving in between the rotting wooden desks, Anon lowered himself to the ground before getting close enough to the rustling sound he leapt out, ready to strike the killing blow.
That was until he stopped himself, seeing a familiar creature cowering in the corner.
“Fluttershy?” Anon asked.
“A-Anon?” She stuttered.
“About time, I’ve been here for weeks and I was wondering when you came to pick me U-!” Anon said before being tackled by the yellow mare.
“Anon!” Fluttershy cried, sobbing into the stallion’s shoulder.
Freezing as her hug only got tighter, Anon began wondering how long he was gone.
“Um, Flutters. How long was I gone? And where are the others?” Anon asked.
Moving away from him, Fluttershy wiped her tears away.
“Don’t you remember? Operation Florida Rises? I watched you die” Fluttershy explained.
“Die? Florida Rises? Fluttershy none of this is making any sense. Now where are the others, my time travel adventures have gone awry so let’s go home” Anon stated.
Fluttershy looked at him in confusion for a moment, before her brain started to make sense out of all of this.
“You, you aren’t my Anon, are you?” She asked, sadness dripping into her voice.
Shaking his head, Anon couldn’t help but feel bad as he realised that this wasn’t his Fluttershy.
It was in that conversation Anon learnt about the war and the megaspells and was told about the New Canterlot Republic and the Followers of the Apocalypse forming to fix the wasteland.
“Wait, so the apocalypse ISN'T my fault?” Anon asked.
“No, of course not” Fluttershy stated, dreading the thought her sole living friend believed this world was his fault.
“Damn it! Now I’ve let down every Floridaman before and after me” Anon sighed.
…
“So yeah, Anon’s currently somewhere in Equestria’s past, we have no idea when and we might not be able to find him, so are you all good with that?” Twilight asked.
Sat nursing the twins, Cream Heart’s eyes were half shut, not an ounce of surprise could be seen.
“Why am I not surprised?” she mused.
“You, you aren’t mad?” Twilight asked hesitantly.
“No, I accepted a long time ago that Anon would find some other way of breaking the planet eventually” Cream responded calmly.
Relaxing at that information, Twilight felt a question slip into her mind.
“Hey Cream, why DID you marry Anon?” Twilight asked.
“Well we already had two foals so I didn’t see a reason why not. But if you’re asking why I fell in love with him, I guess it comes back to a story my mother told me when I was a filly. Have you ever heard about the Frog and the Scorpion?” Cream said.
Thinking for a moment, Twilight recalled the cautionary tail.
“I see, Anon is like a scorpion, he can’t help any of the chaos he causes because it’s his nature” Twilight said.
“Exactly, Anon is exactly who he’s supposed to be and he never tries to hide it. I always know what I’m gettin into whenever I’m with him” Cream said.
“That makes sense, still it must be hard having such a chaotic stallion in your life” Twilight mused.
“It’s challenging for sure, but he’s always there when I or the kids need him and things are never boring” Cream explained.
“Yeah, days in Ponyville are rarely boring when he’s about” Twilight chuckled.
The two mares sat in silence for a few seconds before Cream broke the quiet.
“So I here you want to fuck my husband~” Cream said teasingly.
“Oh for Celestia’s sake, does everypony in Equestria know!?” Twilight asked, having had enough of being confronted.
“Well Pinkie figured it out so quite possibly” Cream explained, giggling slightly.
…
“Ok good news Fluttershy is alive, better news the apocalypse isn’t our fault” Anon explained to his clones.
“So what do now?” Peganon asked.
“Well I told Fluttershy about this place and apparently some guys called the New Canterlot Republic will take over when we leave, so as soon as Unianon is ready we can go” Anon stated.
“Balling, wait… what about the kids?” Changeanon asked.
“What do you think? We take them with us. What are three more kids?” Anon explained.
Nodding in agreement, the Anons gathered Golden Heart, Wild Fire and Zebara.
“So, we can go with you?” Golden Heart asked.
“If you want, unless you want to go find your families. If so Fluttershy will help with that” Anon explained.
The three foal’s expression suddenly shifted.
Their ears folded down and their neutral expressions turned to frowns.
Anon was a fortunate man in his world. Both his parents, despite running the largest illigal cocain hooker sex dumpster theme park in Florida, were still alive.
That might be because all his mother’s siblings were lawyers but I digress.
But he knew that face, he didn’t say anything to confirm it.
“Well the choise is yours, Fluttershy is awsome, but if you want, there’s always room in the Anon congregation” he offered, smiling at the three.
Congregation is a term for a group of alligators.
He’s from Florida, don’t question it.
Hearing it all three foals got to ther hooves before jumping at Anon.
“Yes!” They yelled in unison.
…
“So thou can’t tell the parentage of the foal?” Luna asked.
Her sister was going through severe mood swings during the middle stage of her pregnancy, so Luna decided to do some snooping.
Celestia had been concerned about the possibility that Anon might be the father so Luna decided to go full Sherlock Holmes on this case.
She had been reading a lot of Anon’s books lately.
“I’m afraid not your Highness, although I am slightly curious what made you think we could?” A purple unicorn stallion dressed in doctor’s clothes asked.
“Magic” she stated plain and simple.
Chuckling slightly the doctor shook his head.
“I’m afraid that’s not how it works, there is no spell that allows you to see who a foal’s parents are before they’re born” he explained.
With her hopes dashed, Luna made the only logical move.
She went home and tried out this “Morrowind” game she heard from one of the palace’s staff.
Apparently Anon writes plots and stories for some of the video game companies littering Equestria.
…
Appearing in their new time period, the Anons looked around to see where, or more accurately, WHEN they had landed.
“Is this a volcano?” Anon asked.
Stood on the crater of a volcano the group looked down into to see… rainbow coloured magma?
Leaning forward, Anon tried to get a closer look. The creator was indeed filled with a boiling, smoldering rainbow coloured substance.
Unfortunately leaning too far in caused his pendant to slip from around his neck and fall into the magma.
Watching it fall he turned his attention to Unianon and Changeanon.
“Why didn’t you use your magic to stop that?” He asked, trying to sound calm
“You didn’t ask” they said in unison.
Before he had a chance to choke the two, Anon was distracted by the sound of something moving behind them.
Turning around the group saw a little pink earth pony filly looking up at them.
“Greeting small child” Anon said, raising his hoof to wave at it.
Letting out a ear splitting scream the filly turned around and started running away.
“Monsters!” She screamed as she went down the side of the volcano.
“Well that was just rude” Drakeanon said.
“Indeed, shall we figure out what time we are in?” Peganon asked.
Moving down the side of the volcano, they missed Anon’s pendant bobbing back up to the surface of the magma, around it chaos magic made the magma boil violently.
With a burst of magical energy something crawled its way out of the magma.
A long tube like creature with white and brown fur shook itself dry like a dog coming in from the rain.
Stretching out its clawed right arm and lion like paw on the left it let out an insane laugh.
“Full grown!” It called out.
…
Travelling far from the mountains and volcano, the Anons found themselves in grassy meadows they had long grown used to.
The foals on the other hand, they had never seen healthy grass before, as such they took every second to enjoy the sensation.
Rolling around and running through it they looked happier than Anon had ever seen.
Well that’s not a high bar he’s had them for like two weeks.
“Hey kids don’t run far!” Anon called out.
“Ok!” They called out.
Wondering towards a large rock sat in the field, Golden Heart spotted something hiding behind it.
Peaking over he spotted the same pink filly from earlier.
“Hi” he called out making her jump several feet in the air before landing in the dirt.
“Woah it’s ok, I’m not going to hurt you” Golden said.
“I- I’m not supposed to talk to unicorns” the filly stuttered nervously.
Tilting his head slightly, Golden question why.
“Why not?”
“My parents say unicrons can’t be trusted” she explained.
“Well that’s not very magic of friendship of them” Drakeanon said poking his head over the rock.
Letting out another scream, she jumped even furthur into the air again.
Landing again the filly found herself confronted by the Anons as well as Wild Fire and Zebara.
“Hello again” Anon greeted, having to hide under Drakeanon’s wing to avoid being burnt by the sun.
“Please don’t eat me!” The filly begged, hiding under her front hooves to no avail.
“Hey take it easy kid I’m not gonna eat you” Drakeanon stated.
“You’re, you’re not?” She asked, peaking up from under her hooves.
“No, I know they’re scary at first, especially that one” Golden Heart said, pointing at Changeanon for reference.
“What the hell kid?” He asked.
“But they’re nice. Hey I’m Golden Heart, these are my friends Wild Fire and Zebara. And that’s Anon, Anon, Anon and Anon” Golden Heart introduced himself.
“I’m, I’m Granite Pie” the filly introduced herself.
“Nice to meet you, hey why were you up on that volcano all alone?” Zebara asked.
“I was dared to. Gala Apple said he’d do my chores for a month if I climbed up Magic Mountain” she explained.
“And who is Gala Apple?” Peganon asked.
“He’s one of the colts who live in my village” she explained.
“Cool cool, hey we’re trying to get to Canterlot, you wouldn’t happen to know what direction it’s in would you?” Drakeanon asked.
Raising an eyebrow, Granite looked confused.
“What’s a Canterlot?” She asked.
“Guys, I think we’re too far in the past” Changeanon whispered.
Before they could delve deeper into their situation, the sound of explosions and screaming came from the distance.
“My parents!” Granite yelled before running off towards the screaming.
“Do we have to deal with this?” Zebanon asked.
“Eh I’m sure Celly and Lulu will be along shortly to solve this” Anon shrugged it off.
“Hey any of you want to see if they’ve invented beer in the next town over yet?” Griffanon asked.
“Anon! They need help!” Golden Heart stated.
“Oh fine” the Anons groaned.
Following Granite, they Anons were brought to a small farming village about half the size of Ponyville.
The houses seemed to be turned upside down and the clouds were raining…
Chocolate?
Flying through the skies was a Draconaquis similar to Discord in appearance almost down to the last detail.
Only it seemed to be… feminine?
The laugh was the main giveaway but also the cleaner and more slender build compared to the chaos spirit they were used to dealing with.
“Oh this is hilarious! I hope all these little creatures are as fun!” She laughed out in a soft voice.
Safely stepping out from under Drakeanon’s wing, the chocolate clouds shielding him from the Sun, Anon puffed his chest out.
“Oi! Stop that!” Anon stated, getting the creature’s attention.
Swooping down to them, the creature brushed her white bang out of her face enough to see them with her big red eyes.
“Oh? And why should I do that? I’m Eris little worm, God of Chaos!” Eris said, introducing herself.
Opening his mouth to say something, Anon quickly closed it again.
“Group huddle” he called.
Forming a circle the Anons debated what they could actually do.
“Any of you know how to beat a Chaos God?” Anon asked.
“Have you tried building a human Webway?” Peganon asked.
“We don’t have time for that and Magnus will probably ruin it” Unianon shot down.
“You guys could use your magic to stop her” Zebanon suggested, looking at Unianon and Changeanon.
“Are you crazy? We can’t beat that thing” Changeanon stated.
“He’s right I only really know levitate, time travel and expelliarmus” Unianon explained.
“Can I suggest running?” Eris suggested.
“That might be a good back up- oh no” Anon said before realising who he was talking to.
Being thrown across the fields surrounding the ruined village, the Anons found themselves floating helplessly inside giant bubbles.
Even Drakeanon’s fire couldn’t break them, only leaving the inside covered in soot.
“Anon!” The kids called out before they were lifted into the air by Eris.
“Kids!” Anon called out.
“Oh you’re going to be fun playthings~ I just hope you don’t BREAK too soon” Eris chuckled.
“How do we win? We’re Anons we don’t defeat villains, we just provide witty commentary and make babies. That’s literally all we do!” Unianon began to panic.
“We do the third thing we do best. The last thing people expect, listen up, Eris is a chaos spirit like Discord right? Well what’s the opposite of chaos? Harmony!” Anon began to explain.
“Dude if you’re about to dump 5 seasons worth of ‘the Magic of Friendship’ on us I’ll come over there and strangle you through our bubbles” Hippanon warned.
“No, even more desperate than that. We must harmonize the only way we know how to” Anon explained.
“You don’t mean” Griffanon hoped he wasn’t right.
“Yes, we have no choice” Anon stated.
Looking at each other through their bubbly prisons the Anons nodded to each other.
Watching the perfectly coordinated song and dance preformance from the side, Golden Heart, Wild Fire, Zebara and Granite Pie shared one singular thought.
“What the fuck?” They somehow thought at the same time.
While it only confuse (and mildly aroused some of the adults) the pony population, the song and coordinated dancing of the Anons seemed to physically weaken Eris.
Watching her grow physically smaller as she wrangled in pain the Anons kept up their dancing.
Soon their bubbly prisons popped letting them land back on the ground.
“It’s working boys!” Anon said.
“But she’s still not down!” Peganon said.
“We have to do it, our finishing move!” Zebanon stated.
“Are you crazy!? There’s too much power behind that song!” Changeanon said.
“No he’s right, we don’t have a choice. Eris! Know that you brought this on yourself!” Anon called out to the weakened chaos spirit.
Now exposed to Anon’s true power Eris let out a scream of pain as she continued to shrink, her chaotic magic that had taken hold of the town slowly disappearing around her.
“This… this isn’t over!” Eris threatened.
“Looks like someone is never gonna give, never gonna give!” Anon sang as he continued dancing.
With cracks forming along her body, physically falling apart before the might of the Rock Roll. Eris let out one last burst of her magic, one final spiteful attack.
Two beams of light flew into the air, one landing in the far distance, the other striking Anon directly.
Seconds after the blast pushed him to the ground, the dirt being pushed out of the way around him, Anon was surrounded by his clones and theee foals.
“Anon! Are you ok?” Wild Fire asked.
“I just got shot what do you think?” He groaned.
With help Anon managed to get back to his feet, although he felt dizzy and strange.
Strange even by Anon standards.
“Hey did your ass get fatter or are we all this juicy from behind?” Centauranon asked, looking down at his shorter progenitor’s very shapely rump in confusion.
“What are you?” Anon asked before putting a hoof over his mouth.
His voice was strange, higher pitch than anything he’d heard before.
Looking to his flank to see what all the fuss was about he found his modestly big butt had been replaced with a much larger, curvier version of itself.
“What the fuck is going on?” Anon thought to himself.
That’s when a terrifying possibility entered his mind.
Looking between his front legs towards his private parts, Anon saw that he was missing some…
Valuable equipment.
Anon, had been turned into a mare.
“Ok someone has 5 seconds to explain before I-“ he… sorry, SHE started before being interrupted.
“That deformed mare saved us!” One of the villagers called out.
“What?” Anon asked.
“She must be some kind of chosen one” another villager said.
“Well actually the thing is” Anon tried to explained.
“All hail our new chieftess!” Another pony called out.
“No you idiot she need a more special title then just chieftess” a pony scolded.
“What about Princess?” A mare suggested.
“All hail the new Princess!” They began chanting endlessly.
“I’m burning this entire planet to the ground” Anon stated, with more surpessed anger in his voice than a thousand middle school teachers.
…
“Hey, was Princess Platinum always green?” Rainbow Dash asked.
Looking at her, the girls raised their eyebrows.
“What?” Twilight asked.
“Look at this book, she’s totally green” Rainbow pointed out.
Going over to Rainbow, the girls had a look at the illustration of the legendary Princess Platinum, portraying her having a green coat.
“She kind of looks like Nonny, but a mare” Pinkie said.
The admitted it did look a little like Anon, although she had a horn instead and while they couldn’t see any wings under her cloak it was assumed there were none.
“Pinkie, that's just silly, it’s not like Anon somehow got himself turned into a mare and took the place of Princess Platinum… right?” Twilight asked.
“Twilight, that sounds EXACTLY like something that would happen because of Anon” Applejack pointed out.
AN: 3 more kids to the family.
Anonette isn’t going to enjoy her travels at all XD
All she wanted was baby pictures of Celestia and Luna, what does he get instead?
He found out all his friends and loved ones might die in a nuclear holocaust, he got turned into a mare and now these ponies from days long past are insisting on calling him/her Princess Platinum.
On the plus side, the chaos magic cured his weakness to the Sun.
Having to sneak out of the giant hut that the locals called a castle, Anon made her way through the forest.
Despite the insistence she was ruler of Equestria (or what could be considered Equestria) Anon had one mission and one mission alone.
Find baby Celestia and Luna and take cute but embarrassing photos of them.
As she hadn’t found any sight of them in civilization she assumed the wilderness is a logical next place to check.
“Any sight of them?” Anon asked as Griffanon, Drakeanon, Peganon and Hippanon scanned from the skies.
“Nothing yet” Peganon said.
Continuing to search the ground with the others, Anon found herself beside a small pond.
Looking at her reflection in the water she let out a loud groan.
“What am I doing here? I’ve got a wife and kids, I should be at home with them not gallivanting along the timeline” she said to herself before turning away from the pond.
While she continued to rant to herself she was completely unaware of the golden light shining over the pond, the heavenly music playing and the gold coated alicorn floating down and placing a basket with two foals in it on the ground.
Planting a loving kiss on both of the foal’s heads she ascended back into the sky and the light faded.
“I mean it’s not like Celestia and Luna are just going to fall out of the sky-“ Anon continued to rant, stopping as she turned around and saw the basket.
In it were two alicorn foals, one white with pink mane and the other dark blue with a lighter blue mane.
Acting on her base instinct when seeing a cute animal Anon went to cuddle but managed to stop herself.
“Wait a minute, if I interact with them now it could dramatically alter the timeline. There’s no telling what could happen” Anon thought to herself.
Deciding this was a part of the timeline, Anon turned and slowly moved away from the basket.
But not before taking several photos.
Trying to walk away Anon found her hooves almost stuck to the ground as she heard a noise.
Looking back to the basket Anon saw Baby Celestia crying, reaching out to her with her tiny hooves and trying (unsuccessfully) to crawl out the basket.
“Don’t fall for it you aren’t a part of the timeline. Don’t fall for it you aren’t a part of the timeline. Don’t fall for it you aren’t a part of the timeline” she kept muttering to herself.
“Fuck the timeline, I’m your Papa now” Anon stated, heading back to the basket.
“Mama” Baby Celestia said.
“No, Papa” Anon corrected.
“Mama!” Baby Celestia insisted.
Remembering his last interaction with Flurry Heart, Anon relented as there was no point trying to argue.
“Whatever” Anon groaned.
Picking up the basket with her teeth, Anon carried the future diarchy back to the group.
…
“We need to tell Celestia” Starlight suggested.
“We can’t” Twilight said.
“Why not? If Anon’s gone looking for the Princesses as foals then if he succeeded they should be able to remember WHEN then we can go back to a day before and cut him off” Starlight explained.
“It’s not that simple, Celestia is pregnant now. Last time Anon did something on this scale the shock caused Cadence to give birth on the spot. How do you think a mare only half way into her pregnancy would react if she found out ANON is messing around in the timeline and MIGHT be Princess Platinum?” Twilight explained.
Thinking for a few seconds, Starlight saw why Twilight was worried.
“Ok that a fair point, but at least we know he went to some point around the time Princess Platinum ruled so we should be able to just head him off there” Starlight said.
“I’ll get the girls and Spike” Twilight said turning to leave.
Letting out a scoff, Starlight couldn’t help but chuckle a little.
“Don’t you think that’s a little bit of overkill?” She asked.
“Trust me, once Anon’s put his mind to something, he’s as dangerous as Discord or Tirek” Twilight explained.
…
Back in the past, Anon began to see the other side of parenting a newborn.
And it sucked as much as his side.
“Why are they crying?” Anon groaned, the hour long screamfest from Celestia and Luna having caused a ringing in her ears.
“Well they aren’t tired, they aren’t scared, maybe they're hungry? Anon quick take your tits out” Zebanon said.
“EXCUSE ME!?” Anon yelled.
“You’re the only mare here, take your tits out and feed em” Zebanon explained.
“I don’t have any milk you dumbass!” Anon stated.
“Have you checked?” Unianon asked.
“No but considering I’ve never given birth I doubt there’s any down there” Anon replied.
“Then what do we do?” Peganon asked.
“What if we give them cake?” Anon suggested.
Everyone looked at her for a second, just making sure they heard her properly.
“Dude, they’re infants” Zebanon pointed out.
“Do you have a better idea?” She asked rhetorically.
No one answered.
“That’s what I thought” Anon said smugly.
Finding what passed for cake in the ye-olde Equestria, Anon placed two slices in front of the foals, who looked at the sugary treats with curiosity.
“This isn’t going to work” Zebanon stated.
He was soon proven wrong as Celestia INHALED her slice while Luna calmly munched on hers.
Everyone looked on in shock while Anon was just a smug bastard about it.
…
Arriving in the past, Twilight, Spike and the girls began searching for Anon, now posing at Princess Platinum.
Finding a town, the group ventured in, looking for the chaos spirit in pony form.
“Hey everypony! The Princess is going to make a speech!” One of the townponys called out.
“Well that’s convenient” Applejack said.
Following the crowd, they were led to a pedestal in the centre of town.
Stood upon it was a white unicorn dressed in a crown and a purple cloak. The girls recognised this as the Princess Platinum they were familiar with.
“That’s not Nonny” Pinkie pointed out.
“Yes, thank you Pinkie, we can see that” Twilight replied.
Looking around the group managed to spot a little filly sneak away from her parents and head off into the woods.
Curious, the girls followed her.
Staying far enough away to not be spotted they followed the filly to a cottage deep in the woods.
Watching her go inside the girls followed.
Coming up to the door, Twilight knocked her hoof on it three times before getting an answer.
Opening the door Twilight came face to face with a green mare who greatly resembled her friend Anon.
Letting out a panicked scream at seeing her, the mare slammed the door shut.
“Anon we know you’re in there! Come on out!” Twilight demanded.
“You must be mistaken, there’s no Anons in here. I’m just a widowed mother of six enjoying a quiet night in” the mare called out from behind the door.
Knowing how long it would take to get Anon to open the door Twilight resorted to blasting it open with her magic.
“What the hell Twilight? Coming in here going all Kool Aid man on my door. The Industrial Revolution hasn’t happened yet. Those things aren’t cheap, you know?” Anon scolded.
“Anon we’ve come to take you home, you’ve gone too far this time” Twilight stated.
“And why are you a mare?” Rainbow asked.
“Chaos spirit, might have been Discord’s mother, Rick Rolled her to death, now I’m his and the Princess’s mama” Anon explained.
“Excuse me?” Twilight asked.
“Weeeeeeell” Anon began.
“Anon” Twilight stated, losing her temper with the stallion turned mare.
“I found him in the woods turning trees into giant bananas” Anon explained.
Seeing the three aforementioned babies (Celestia, Luna and Discord) sitting in a baby cot in the corner of the room, Anon, the girls and Spike all had to cover their ears as Twilight let out an ear splitting squeal.
“OMC THE PRINCESSES ARE SO CUTE!!!” Twilight squealed, her voice going high enough only dogs could properly hear her.
Then all three foals started crying.
“Great work Twilight, real classy” Anon said flatly.
Blushing heavily, Twilight hid herself behind her wings.
“Sorry” she muttered
Failing to hold on her laughter, Rainbow collapsed to the floor, rolling around as she howled.
“Ha! You’re somepony’s mom!” She laughed.
“Screw you Rainbow, you’re just a hater because I’m a milf and you ain’t” Anon spat back.
“Wait, so who's that mare in town?” Applejack asked.
“Oh her? Don’t worry, I tricked those country hicks into thinking I was able to change what type of pony I was and had her take my place. That’s the Princess Platinum you’re probably familiar with” Anon explained as she tried to sooth the three infant deities.
“So what now?” Starlight asked.
“Well I can’t go home now, I’ve got to take care of these three” Anon replied.
“But what about Cream? And the kids, and us?” Twilight asked.
“Just come back in twenty-ish years. Take the others and come back to pick me up” Anon suggested.
“Anon, that’s a long time, you’ll be trapped here for a long time” Twilight said.
“I know, but if I don’t take care of these no one will” Anon explained.
Looking at each other, the girls looked back to Anon.
“Can’t we just bring them back home?” Pinkie asked.
“You know we can’t. We can’t have Celestia and Luna grow up around themselves” Anon stated.
With her smile now fading, Pinkie’s cotton candy shamed mane deflated, dropping down and covering her face.
“Don’t be sad girls, it’ll be literally a minute or two for you. I’ll be back quite literally before you know it” Anon pointed out.
“Time travel, it’s all far too confusing” Rarity stated, rubbing her temple to avoid a headache.
“Yeah, oh that reminds me, kids! Could you come here for a sec?” Anon called out.
Coming into the room were three juveniles, a blond unicorn, purple earth pony and a zebra.
“This is Golden Heart, Wild Fire and Zebara. Kids, these girls will take you back to my place, I’ll come join you soon, promise you’ll behave for them” Anon said.
Looking in wonder at the (for them at least) mythical beings, the kids didn’t respond to their care giver.
“Also I was in the future, Fluttershy causes the apocalypse” Anon added.
“W-what?” Fluttershy stuttered.
“Yeah turns out Equestria gets megaspells at some point and you give some healing ones to the zebras but they reverse engineered them into weapons of mass destruction and killed the planet” Anon explained.
Carrying a now unconscious Fluttershy through the time portal, the girls, Spike, the Anons and the kids walked through, leaving Anon himself alone with Celestia, Luna and Discord.
“Alright, just 20 years to go” Anon sighted, going back to her daily tasks of taking care of the three infants and drawing Pepe memes.
…
Sat in a laboratory, an orange unicorn with a bunsen burner cutiemark worked with various test tubes.
This was Luis E Maremontes. Creator of the birth control pill.
“Finally, I’ve cracked it. This will revolutionise the birth control industry. My name will be written in the history books for this, and nothing will stop me, not even a- flying flank?” He monologue as a large green but with a question mark on it swung out of a glowing portal of the same colour.
Being smacked on the face by it, Luis was knocked over his table.
As the chemicals went flying, Luis landed on the floor.
Seeing his work ruined and his notes stained beyond recognition, Luis saw the flying flank disappear into nothing.
“Ok buck this! I don’t care what my cutiemark says, I'm going back to acting school!” Luis yelled before storming out of the ruined lab.
…
Months after Twilight left to find Anon, Celestia gave birth to her daughter.
Looking down at the red and yellow maned unicorn filly, Celestia couldn’t help but smile at the bundle of fur that came out of her.
Her sister Luna and assistant Raven Inkwell were in attendance to meet the new princess along with the doctor who aided in the birth.
Well, the only one who managed to dodge Celestia’s magical blasts during contractions.
“Where are her wings?” Luna asked the doctor.
“Luna, that's not important” Celestia stated.
“What? Your daughter doesn’t have wings Tia. Can’t I point out she does have wings? What are those on her sides? Not wings I’ll tell you that” Luna replied.
“That’s an easy question to answer your Highness” the doctor stated “genetics become a bit of a coin flip when it comes to mixing between different pony types, otherwise there would be thousands of pegasus/unicorn hybrids flying about resembling smaller alicorns”
“I suppose that makes sense, but your Highness I do have one concern” Raven said.
“What’s wrong Raven?” Celestia asked, herself becoming worried what could be wrong.
“Don’t you think your daughter looks a little… familiar?” Raven asked.
Taking a second look at her foal, Celestia was unable to deny her resemblance to Sunset Shimmer.
“That. Is strange” Celestia admitted.
Sunset was always a bright student from the day she began to study under the Princess.
Now thinking back on the day she found her former student swaddled in a blanket on her balcony, she had to question how she even got there.
Sunset’s great flaw was she was too ambitious, she took shortcuts and went behind Celestia’s back to try and get an edge. In the end she disappeared shortly before Twilight came into Celestia’s life.
“A relative perhaps?” Luna suggested.
While Celestia pondered over the similarities between her daughter and former student.
“Hay, maybe Anon messed with the timeline and sent the princess back in time and you adopted her without even knowing” Raven chuckled.
Continuing to chuckle for a minute or two, Raven quickly realised no one else was laughing.
Instead, Celestia and Luna had looks of pure dread on their faces, having realised where Anon disappeared to.
Also why he looks like a gender bent version of their long deceased mother.
I survived time travel and all I got was a tax dodging daughter
After twenty long years in the past, Anon returned to the present, tired and aged by the experience of being a single mother of three deities.
“Why are you a mare and why does it turn me on?” Cream asked.
Because obviously that’s what she was most concerned about.
“Discord’s birth mother and I think your just kinky” Anon replied.
Holding in a snort, Cream nuzzled her husband turned wife.
“Oh you poor thing, would a kiss make it better?” Cream asked teasingly.
“Unless you’ve gained be power to make a penis grow through kisses I doubt it” Anon grumbled.
“Unfortunately not, but in all seriousness how do we fix this?” Cream asked.
“Well it was his mother who did this so I’ll go to Discord, explain the situation and get him to change me back. Also I might see if he can deage me a little, because I know I’m only in my forties but I feel sixty” Anon stated, groaning as his bones creaked a little.
“Welcome to the world of single mothers” Cream said.
“Ugh, you don’t get nearly enough credit” he replied.
“Eeyep, I’m just glad I stopped at one before Button’s father passed”
“From a crushed pelvis?”
Ignoring her husband/wife’s comment, Cream brought Anon back to their living quarters with, their children and clones there to meet them.
“This is officially the wirdest thing you’ve ever done” Rosa said, her face neutral due to no longer being surprised by anything Anon does anymore.
“Don’t worry sweetie it’s only temporary” Anon reassured her.
“Does this mean I have to call you Mom now?” Button asked, his poor little colt brain still struggling to keep up with everything Anon does.
“No Button, don’t worry I’ll be back to normal soon. I just need to go up north to explain the situation to Discord and have him change me back” Anon explained to the colt.
“Um, your Majesty?” Crystal asked, herself perplexed about the situation.
Tilting her head, Anon asked what was wrong.
“Yes?”
“While having your clones here was of great use in governing the Empire, I felt there was one major issue that needed your direct attention” Crystal explained.
“Well fuck you too bitch” Peganon whispered.
“Well, it’s Magehold” Crystal started.
“Oh for, Rosa what did you do while I was gone?” Anon asked her daughter.
“Don’t look at me, I’ve just been vibing” Rosa replied.
“Ok what did they do?” Anon asked again, this time turning to Crystal.
“They haven’t been paying their taxes” Crystal explained.
“Sweetie I’m so proud of you” Anon said, a tear forming in her eye as she smiled at her necromancer daughter.
Then her face dropped into a frown.
“Wait a minute I’m the government that’s bad” she added.
“Well most of Magehold’s population are dead so they can’t technically be taxed. The rest are slaves who don’t make a salary so they don’t pay it either” Rosa explained.
While technically right, Anon had to see the problems that would arise from it.
“Wait a minute I thought I made slavery illegal when I took over this place?” Anon asked, not remembering what she did 20+ years ago.
“Well they aren’t technically slaves, they’re volunteers. But they insist on being called slaves” Rosa explained.
“Is it the goth mares?” Anon asked.
“Of course it’s the goth mares” Rosa replied.
“Dang it, right we’ve got to come up with a solution because otherwise ponies can get away with not paying taxes by identifying as undead” Anon said.
“Would they really try that?” Cream asked.
“Hey I have a cousin who pretended to be a Native American to get into college” Anon explained.
…
Sat in Twilight’s castle, the Main 6 discovered another side effect of Anon’s travels through time.
They all had foals.
Well except for Princess Twilight the Unfucked.
Starlight didn’t have any either.
I think?
“Ok so Anon at some point causes a ripple effect that resulted in magic backed birth control never being invented” Twilight hypothesised.
“Ya think?” Applejack asked sarcastically as a trio of light green earth pony foals sat on her back chewing on her hat.
“Ok I know you’re all upset about the situation-“ Starlight started.
“I’m not” Pinkie corrected/interrupted.
Oddly enough it appeared Pinkie didn’t have any foals with her, something the others seemed worried about.
“Pinkie, where is your foal?” Twilight asked hesitantly.
Rummaging around in her mane, Pinkie pulled out a small pink foal with a black mane and tail.
“You keep her… in your mane?” Rainbow asked, frankly disturbed by the situation.
“I keep everything in there” Pinkie explained.
“Alright we’re getting a little off track, what do you girls want to do about this?” Twilight asked.
Her friends looked at one another before looking back at Twilight.
“Sugarcube, it’s not convenient for us to be mothers right now, it ain’t right to undo their existence now they’re already alive” Applejack stated.
“I always wanted to be a mother, I just didn’t have the time” Fluttershy said.
“But I’m still killing Anon” Rainbow added.
“Agreed” Rarity agreed.
Before Twilight could shut the idea down, a knock on the palace’s doors echoed.
“Spike! Could you get the door!?” Twilight called.
Being torn away from his newest comic, “Power Ponies vs The Home Owners Association” Spike opened the door, being met by Anon.
“Spike, where are the girls? I have a tax problem” Anon said, not bothering to say hi.
“Don’t you mean a friendship problem?” Spike asked, hoping Anon had spoken wrong.
“Nope, tax problem. I need them to help me figure out how to make dead ponies pay taxes so Magehold can’t dodge it” Anon explained.
Leading the stallion turned mare to the Mane 6, Spike went back to his comic.
“Well look who it is, Daddy” Rainbow said, her voice full of sarcasm.
“Rainbow I get it, compared to me any stallion feels inadequate but I’m married now- wait why do you all have foals?” Anon said before getting sidetracked by all the babies.
“I’ll give ya three guesses” Applejack said, also not very thrilled to see Anon.
Stood in thought for a few moments, the cogs in her brain turning to find an answer.
“You all adopted” Anon guessed.
“Nope” Applejack replied.
“Cadence has an NTR kink?” Anon guessed.
Twilight proceeded to vomit profusely at the thought.
“No” Applejack said.
“… well I give up what’s with the foals?” Anon asked, not having the energy for a third guess.
Everyone looked at Anon with rather annoyance or flat out unamusement.
Except for Pinkie who was just giggling the whole time.
Then she realised.
“Oh, oh no” Anon whispered.
“She can be taught” Rainbow said, her voice full of snark.
“But- when- how!?” Anon asked, trying to wrack her brain around this.
“Sex?” Pinkie said.
“I know HOW, but you all said you were on the pill!” Anon replied.
“Well we did some digging, turns out at some point you did something that altered the timeline so magic backed birth control pills don’t exist” Starlight explained.
Thinking back, Anon couldn’t imagine what she/he did to alter the timeline so much.
Except on the way home through the time portal, when she slipped and her rear fell through the fabric of time for a few seconds.
But Anon was pretty sure that wasn’t it.
Those thoughts were quickly thrown out her mind as a darker thought quickly consumed her mind.
Swallowing her breath, Anon looked at Twilight nervously.
“Twilight? What’s the fertility rate of the average pony?” She asked.
“Well, there are various factors that can determine fertility such as diet, genetics or exposure to magic but-“ Twilight began before realising what she was being asked.
Showing true fear, Twilight looked Anon in the eyes.
“Anon, how many mates have you slept with since coming to Equestria?” She asked.
Putting her hoof to her chin, Anon began doing mental gymnastics of the highest order.
“Well I was human for the first year I was here so none during that time, I was single for eighteen months before meeting Cream, then the Bug Bitch who pretended to be Cadence… then there was the time I slept with the Queen of Saddle Arabia, and her husband’s harem, and her sons harems all of whom I mistook for the King’s harem. So divide that by the number of days comes to one mare per three days”
Everyone in the room other than Anon and Pinkie dropped their jaws to the floor.
“What?” Anon asked, tilting her head innocently.
“Anon, that’s one hundred and eighty six mares” Twilight said.
“Yes, and?” Anon asked, not getting her point.
“Accounting for the 30% chance of twins. You could have nearly two hundred children!” Twilight explained.
…
“Who’s Mama’s little princess? Is it you? Is it you? Oh yes it is” Celestia cooed over her beloved daughter Sunset.
And then her beautiful moment was ruined by a low distance sound coming from the south.
“Why didn’t you stop me!” Anon cried as she shook Twilight back and forth relentlessly.
“Iiiiiiii diiiiiiiiiidn’t seeeeeeee” Twilight replied as she continued to be shaken.
“Dude you owe so much child support” Rainbow chuckled.
Releasing Twilight from her grasp, Anon began hyperventilating.
“Oh no, oh fuck, Cream and I have hardcore orgies with… ourselves every night! For all I know we’ve got a nursery full of foals, fuck Hippanon, Griffanon and Drakeanon are from races who lay eggs. Cream could have a clutch growing inside her for all we know!” Anon panicked.
Seeing their insane time travelling friend was having a panic attack, the girls tried to calm her down.
“Hey, why did you come down here?” Pinkie asked.
“Huh? Oh yeah. I need your help figuring out how to make Magehold pay taxes. Because you know, they're mostly dead and therefore can’t be taxed” Anon explained.
That was a problem the Element’s weren’t particularly skilled in.
“Well why don’t you throw them a tax party? Maybe they’ll want to pay taxes then?” Pinkie suggested.
“Yeah I don’t think anypony wants to go to a party they’ll have to pay for” Anon pointed out.
“Did you try asking them nicely?” Fluttershy asked.
“I did, they said F off” I replied.
“F off? Really?” Rainbow asked.
“I’ve realised there are tiny ears around” Anon said.
“Have you tried making them pay anyways? You’re the King ain’t ya?” Applejack asked.
“Yes let me do that to the cabal of liches and vampires with hordes of the undead. Making them do anything is a Herculean feat” Anon said.
Looking to Rarity, the rest of the girls hoped she’d have an idea.
“What are you all looking at me for? I don’t pay taxes, why would I know how to make others pay them” Rarity asked.
“Wait you don’t pay your taxes?” Twilight asked in surprise.
“Well I don’t pay myself a wage and my business account is registered to Puerto Caballo, which is a registered tax haven. So officially my tax rate is 0” Rarity explained.
“So much for the Element of Generosity” Applejack murmured.
“Where do you think all the bits I give to charity come from darling?” Rarity shot back.
“I think we’re getting a little off track” Starlight said before turning to Anon.
“You could change the tax law so any creature within the Empire’s territory living or dead that makes money rather through wages or a business are required to pay the appropriate taxes” Starlight suggested.
Thinking for a few moments, Anon nodded her head in agreement.
“Alright, thanks girls. But I do have one more… minor request” Anon thanked.
“What’s that Nonny?” Pinkie asked.
“I may need help tracking down all of my potential baby mamas. I promised Cream I’d crack down on the whole surprise thing. So yeah I need to find them before they come to me” Anon explained.
AN: Question, how much child support do you think Anon owes? XD
Also I might do a spin-off about Anon’s adventures during his/her time in the past.
AN: This is non canon to the rest of the story, hence why Anon got turned back into a dude with no explanation.
‘Twas the night before Hearths Warming, all through Equestria, not a creature was stirring, especially Celestia. For she had gotten hammered.
All of the colts and the fillies laid asleep in their be-
BOOOM!
RAT TAT TAT TAT TAT!
Never mind.
The town of Ponyville was awakened by thunderous noise.
As the Main 6 gathered, each groggy and tired, they saw what the cause was.
Out in the Everfree, fire and light shot into the skies from the Crystal Empire.
“Of course it’s Anon” Twilight said in a monotone voice.
Getting properly woken up by the power of Pinkie’s Super Secret Special Coffee (regular coffee with ten sugar cubes and four shots of espresso) the girls headed to the Crystal Palace to see what was going on.
Meeting no resistance, they reached the top of the tower, finding Anon in the Crystal Heart’s chamber with several crystal army officials.
“My lord we haven’t hit anything” one of them stated as they looked over the map.
“Curses, deploy the sky mines. He will not escape me this time! Oh hey girls what are you doing up?” Anon ordered before noticing the girls were there.
“Anon, what in tarnations are you doing?” Applejack asked, resisting the urge to choke Anon.
“War” Anon described.
“Against who?” Twilight asked.
“Santa Claus” Anon explained.
The girls looked to themselves before looking back to Anon.
“Anon, are you meaning to tell us that you’ve woken up all of Ponyville fighting a pagan god from your world?” Applejack asked.
“No, Santa isn’t a pagan god, he’s the Christian saint of children and brewers. I’ve been at war with him for years but the bastard keeps giving me the slip” Anon corrected.
“Anon, you realise that this ‘Santa’ doesn't exist in our world right?” Fluttershy meekly asked.
“I thought that as well, but I always find these on Hearth's Warming and it’s always addressed from Saint Nicholas'' Anon said, showing the girls some striped socks.
“My, Darling, those are some nice socks” Rarity complimented.
“I know, it’s what I always asked for when I was a kid and Santa always brought them. Every year it’s the same, he’s just mocking me at this point” Anon explained.
“Who the buck asks for socks as a present?” Rainbow asked.
“The same guy who can never find any no matter how many he buys” Anon explained.
“So you’re just going to keep shooting at the sky until you shoot down a human who’s probably not even there?” Twilight asked.
“Yes, you have described my plan with absolute accuracy” Anon said.
Before the girls could explain to Anon how utterly moronic that plan was, one of the crystal guards charged up to them.
“My Lord, one of the sky mines has gone off. We have reports of a large red object going down over the Everfree.
“Ha! I’ve got him! This year I’ve finally got him!” Anon cackled with joy before flying out of the palace, the girls pursuing him on hoof.
Making their way through the forest, the girls spotted a bright red light.
Running towards it, they spotted a figure moving about.
At first they thought it was some kind of deer. But as they got closer, they saw a reindeer with a… glowing nose?
“Ooh, shiny” Pinkie said in amazement.
Snapping its head towards them, the reindeer glared at them, getting into a defensive stance.
“Don’t be scared, we’re just looking for our friend” Twilight said.
“Your nose is shiny” Pinkie said, meaning it as a compliment.
“Pinkie, that's rude” Rarity whispered.
Letting its guard down slightly, the reindeer now appeared to be a cow (female reindeer)
“It’s alright, I’ve heard worse” she said.
“What are you doing out here all alone?” Twilight asked.
“We were pulling the sleigh when we hit something, now I’m just trying to find everydeer else” she explained.
“Well we’re looking for our friend. I’m Twilight, this is Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Applejack” Twilight introduced them.
“My name's Rudolph” the reindeer introduced herself.
“Isn’t that a boy’s name?” Rainbow asked.
“Isn’t that a boy’s personality?” Rudolph shot back.
With their new friend, the Mane 6 continued searching until they saw an overturned sleigh with a large hole in it and eight reindeer gathered around a green thestral.
“Come on then, I’ll take you all on! The fat man will not escape me this time!” Anon snarled as they tried to stop him from running away.
“Anon!” Twilight called out before lifting Anon into the air with her magic.
“Damn it Twiggles put me down! Santa’s getting away!” Anon demanded.
“What do you want with Santa?” Rudolph asked.
“Who the hell are you!?” Anon asked as he saw the ninth reindeer join the group around him.
“I’m Rudolph” she introduced herself.
“Rudolph is a chick!? Who’s writing this Christmas special? Kathleen Kennedy!?” Anon asked.
“Wait, Santa is real?” Rainbow asked.
“Duh” Rudolph stated.
“Duh indeed my red nosed friend” a new, deep voice agreed.
Stepping out from the other side of the sleigh, a tall, round, jolly looking human man with red clothes and a white beard stepped between the two groups.
“So, we meet again, Santa. You won’t escape me this time!” Anon called out as he flailed about in Twilight’s magical grasp.
“Anon that’s enough! I’m so sorry for our friend’s actions Mr… Claus” Twilight explained.
“We’re still getting presents right?” Pinkie whispered to Applejack.
Chuckling, Santa gave the girls a warm smile.
“Yes Pinkie, you’re still getting presents” he confirmed.
“Yay!” Pinkie cried out in joy.
“And I’m afraid Anon is right to be so angry with me” Santa explained.
Now confused more than ever.
Which is becoming a regular occurrence when Anon is involved.
“But all of this is over socks ain’t it?” Applejack asked.
“Oh I’m afraid this is about more than socks Applejack” Santa explained.
“How do ya know my name?” Applejack asked “how do ya know any of our names”
“Keep up AJ, he’s Santa, he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” Anon began.
“I know if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake” Santa sang happily.
Pulling a piece of paper from his pocket, Santa began reading.
Dear Santa Claus
I don’t know if you’ll even see this, but even if there’s a one in a billion chance you do it’s worth it.
“Anon that isn’t how math works” Twilight pointed out.
“And owning more books than everyone else in town isn’t how getting laid works” Anon pointed out.
Normally I’d ask for some socks and maybe a game or two.
But this year I’m not interested in any of that.
As strange as it sounds I’ve been sent to a world populated by magical horses. This means I’m facing a Christmas without my family.
I know Celly and Twiggles are trying their best to get home, but with the date I recognise as Christmas Day fast approaching, I’m not sure I can wait any longer.
So I don’t want any presents this year, all I want is to go home and be with my family again.
Sincerely Anonymous.
PS: Sorry I didn’t leave you milk this year, Pinkie told the milk in town came from Mrs Cake’s fat pregnancy tits so I’ve just been eating an unhealthy amount of oranges per day.
Don’t worry I’ve left a big bottle of whiskey for you instead.
Spitting out the convenient glass of milk she had on her, Rainbow Dash looked at Pinkie in disgust before looking back to her white beverage.
Then proceeded to keep drinking.
“He sent that letter to me a week before Hearth's Warming Eve” Santa explained.
“And what did I wake up to?” Anon asked.
“Lincoln Logs” Anon said, anger still filling his voice.
“You can make a bunch of neat stuff with Lincoln Logs but my family isn’t one of them” Anon continued.
It was at this point the girls realised what this whole thing was about.
Now visibly saddened, with Fluttershy on the brink of tears, Twilight lowered Anon down.
Taking a knee in order to get eye level with the feral Floridaman.
“Anon, I’m sorry for breaking your festive spirit. Now I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately I can’t send you home for Christmas, you see. I’m not the Santa of your world” Santa explained, causing everyone to become even more confused about what was going on.
“You’re not the what?” Anon asked.
“Santa exists in every universe, anywhere where holiday cheer exists I do too” Santa explained.
Realising what a total jackass he’s been, Anon lowered his head in shame.
“I… I understand. I’m sorry I’ve shot at you so many times over the last three years” Anon apologised.
With a merry chuckle, Santa patted the stallion on the head.
“It’s alright Anon, I know what it’s like being away from family during the holidays, I do it every year. But while I can’t send you home, I do have a gift from your world” Santa said pulling out a piece of paper.
Dear Santa,
I know I haven’t been awesome this year, but I’ve got only one wish.
A few months ago my brother disappeared, my parents are still really sad about it. I am as well.
I know he’s not dead, if shooting at a hurricane with a catapult full of diamondback rattlesnakes didn’t kill him nothing will.
But if you can’t bring him home, at least make sure wherever he is, he knows his family loves him with all our hearts.
Love, Anonette.
Reading the letter over himself, Anon had to fight back tears as a wobbly smile spread across his face.
“Thank you” he thanked, looking up at the obese saint.
“You're very welcome Anon, but next time you decide to take a shot at me you better not miss” Santa warned.
With a snap of Santa’s fingers the sleigh was repaired.
“You have magic?” Twilight asked.
“I’m Santa, accept it my dear,” Santa said.
Riding off into the night sky, Santa called out.
“Ho Ho Ho! Merry Hearth’s Warming to all, and to all a good night!”
And thus, despite the disrupted sleep, Ponyville had the best Hearth's warming they had ever seen.
With his holiday spirit reinvigorated, Anon used his vast personal fortune to spread gifts to all the ponies of the Empire and Equestria.
And thanks to Santa all the ponies in the land got double their presents as a result.
Applejack got a specialised Apple picking machine.
Rainbow Dash got a Wonderbolts plushie.
Fluttershy got a year’s supply of animal feed.
Pinkie got a party mortar. Which blew a hole in the side of Sugarcube Corner.
Rarity got a mirror that always shows her good side.
And thanks to the acts of Cream Heart, not only did Twilight get a revolving bookshelf. She got eaten by the Cream sisters like a Chinese takeout then the Anons ran a train over her.
And all had a very Merry Christmas.
Hearth’s Warming.
Pinkie get out of my phone.
As for old Anon, he got a lump of coal for shooting down Santa. But he did get some socks from Cream so all is well.
Having covertly snuck to Anon’s house on the edge of the Everfree. The Elements, Spike and Anon went through her many scrapbooks and mementos in an effort to track down all Anon’s potential baby mamas.
“You keep a list of all the mares you’ve slept with?” Rainbow asked with a judging tone.
“Hey keeping track of where my wang made contact has paid off hasn’t it?” Anon argued.
“Anon darling” Rarity interrupted.
“Yeah?”
“Why is my mother’s address in this book?” She asked.
The room went quiet as the girls all looked at Anon.
Seeing she was on the brink of death, Anon thought very carefully about what she said next.
“I wouldn’t kiss her on the lips for a while. Or indeed, the butt”
…
Outside, Cream knocked on the door. Anon left the palace in a rush and she was worried about her husband… wife?
The pony who got her pregnant, she was worried about the pony who got her pregnant.
“Anon? Are you in there?” Cream called out.
Hearing a sudden crashing sound, Cream pushed the door open.
Now she’s seen a lot of strange things since meeting Anon.
Hell she has to put up with them every morning.
But seeing her husband/wife getting choked by Rarity while the rest of the Elements tried to pull her away.
“A-P-R-I-L F-O-O-L-S” Anon tried to spit out while being choked.
“Rarity stop choking Anon! She said April fools it means she’s joking! Anon didn’t sleep with your mother!” Twilight begged.
Finally prying Rarity off of Anon, they stopped to catch their breath.
“Oh hey Cream, what are you doing here?” Anon asked, nervously chuckling as her ears folded back.
Noticing the books, Cream raised an eyebrow as she looked at Anon.
“Anon, why are you looking through books filled with random mare’s names?” She asked sternly.
As she began to sweat profusely, Anon began digging through her brain to figure out a very convincing lie.
“Well you see my loving, understanding, forgiving wife… Pinkie is looking for her birth parents” Anon lied through her teeth.
“But my mom and dad are my birth par-“ Pinkie began before her mouth received Anon’s hoof.
Not buying it, Cream resorted to the only method other than the offering of threesomes that worked when she wanted the truth out of Anon.
Threats.
“Anon” she began.
“Yes my beloved angel?” Anon replied, still sweating profusely.
“I’ll put it in a way you can understand. If you don’t tell me what’s going on right now, I’ll drag you home by your mane, get my “toy chest” and use its contents to make a real mare out of you” Cream stated.
With the vivid image going through everyone’s minds, it took a few seconds before she got a response.
“Can I watch?” Rainbow asked.
“Rainbow!” Rarity scolded.
“Ok ok ok ok, but you have to promise you won’t be mad” Anon said.
“The longer you stall the bigger it’ll get” Cream warned.
“Ok you know how I was a wild and vigorous stud before we met? Well as it turns out, I accidentally erased magic back birth control from the timeline and-“ Anon began before being interrupted.
“Magic backed what?” Cream asked, having never heard of it in this timeline.
“Oh it was a pill infused with magic that stops you getting pregnant if you don’t want to” Anon explained quickly.
“Anyways, I accidentally erased it from existence and now I may or may not have a few extra kids from previous… relations, and I was trying to secretly find out without telling you because I promised no more surprises” Anon finished.
Processing this information for a second or two, Cream gave Anon a sympathetic look.
“Sweetie, you don’t have to hide these things from me. Wait, they were conceived before we met, right?” Cream asked.
“Oh yeah, months before we met” Anon confirmed.
“Oh good. Anyhow, you don’t need to feel like you have to hide things from me because you’re scared I’ll get mad. We’re married, you can always tell me anything” Cream explained.
Breathing a sigh of relief, and mentally grumbling as she realised the complex bush disguised she made to escape the palace unnoticed were meaningless, Anon couldn’t help but chuckle lightly at the whole thing.
“So, any idea how many foals you have? One, two?” Cream asked.
“Up to one hundred and eighty” Anon corrected.
That’s when Cream’s expression turned from understanding to an unamused expression similar to Maud’s.
“You’re not going to divorce me are you?” Anon asked nervously.
Not answering, Cream moved past Anon.
Watching her go to a cupboard the Mane 6 watched in amazement as Cream took down and drank an entire two gallon barrel of apple cider.
Wiping her mouth, Cream looked back at her husband/wife with a flat expression.
“Alright, let’s sort through this list” she said.
One hour later
“You owe over two hundred and forty million bits” Twilight said, holding a calculator in her magical grip.
Dropping her jaw to the floor, Anon blinked a few times.
“Wha- HOW!?” Anon asked, unable to believe that was an accurate number.
“Well if all of these mares have at least one foal, the average single Equestrian father pays 24% of his income. Meaning if you make 5 million bits a year that equals two hundred and forty million bits. So unless you make an appeal you’ll be paying out a buck ton” Twilight explained.
Inside Anon’s mind, she was screaming. Small imaginary replications of herself were setting fire to everything.
“Wait a minute, how much money do you actually make Anon?” Twilight asked.
Not responding, Anon began to worry everyone else as she stood there, jaw to the floor and eyes wide open.
“Anon?” Cream asked, now starting to get worried for her husband/wife.
“Is she dead?” Pinkie asked.
“Nah she’s just frozen from shock” Rainbow said.
“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!” Anon suddenly roared, the noise enough to shake the house around them.
“What the fuck!? That’s over a million bits per year per foal! What newborn requires that much cash to raise!? You guys don’t wear clothes so it’s just school shit, food and birthday stuff once a year!” Anon ranted.
Having been exposed to the raw anger of Anon before, most of the Elements were unaffected excluding Fluttershy who hid behind a table.
“Well you technically don’t have to. You gave up your Equestrian citizenship by default when you became the head of state of a foreign nation” Twilight pointed out, her near infinite knowledge of anything written down coming in handy.
“But I WANT to help. I can’t just let these mares raise foals alone without any support. Believe me I did that for eighteen years and it’s exhausting” Anon explained.
Seeing this unusual act of selflessness coming from Anon, the girls tried to think of an in between that benefited both parties.
“You could always go to Celestia and negotiate a different child support rate. It’s strange but that’s just your style isn’t it?” Cream suggested.
“Ballin, although I should probably get my cock back first” Anon said, pointing to her dickless crotch.
Once again sneaking through the town, the group hopped on the train up north to find Discord, his chaos magic being presumably the only thing to restore Anon’s wang.
The train ride was enjoyable for most of the party. Minus Anon, who was repeatedly the victim of some stallion’s rizz.
In the mind of the earthpony “no” meant “yes” and “bro I’ve got a cock” means “let’s make foals”
Luckily he eventually left before Anon could commit an act of murder on Equestrian soil.
The next day the party arrived at the edge of what once was the Crystal Empire.
Having become the realm of Discord, the frozen tundra looked remarkably different. The endless snowy hills and mountains were replaced with mounds of talking cotton candy, upside down mountains, and a replica of the sun that seemed to be screaming.
“Dude, your son is weird” Rainbow commented.
“Hey you try raising three godlike beings to be normal” Anon replied. Defending her mothering skills.
With great delicacy they made their way into the realm.
After a few minutes they found a strange town. It looked like Ponyville, but with a pallet swapped paint job.
“Wow, he made a whole bizzaro Ponyville” Rainbow stated.
“Yeah he was always such a creative boy. If he was born a thousand years later he could have gone to art school” Anon said with pride.
“Look! There are ponies here!” Pinkie called out, pointing her hoove in the distance.
Gathered in the heart of town, dozens of not hundreds of ponies. Or at least that’s what they thought they were.
As they got closer, the ponies became more familiar.
They appeared to be… sock puppets? Sock puppets that looked like them and the rest of the town’s populace.
“Well howdy ho! Welcome to Horseburg! I’m Orangejohn! And I love working at Juicy Orange Orchard!” The sock puppet of Applejack said, her mouth flapping about, speaking with a French-Canadian accent.
Holding in her laughter, Anon could only look on at the suppressed rage on Applejack’s face.
“Discord if I get mah hooves on you Celestia help me” Applejack said coldly. Despite the massive gap in power, there were more than a few who believed she could take him.
With an echoing laughter Discord himself appeared. On his lion paw the Orangejosh puppet, on the claw a Twilight puppet.
“Well that’s not very nice. Take it from me, Booksmart Nerding. I didn’t learn basic social interactions until I was an adult” Discord said, using a squeaky voice as the purple sock puppet’s mouth moved about.
“Hey!” Twilight protested the offensive but not inaccurate portrait of herself.
“Come on Twiggles he’s not wrong” Anon agreed with her son.
Discord continued to laugh, his terrible impressions of the two mares being stopped only once he saw Anon.
Staring at the stallion/mare for a few moments he blinked several times.
“M-mom?” He stuttered, dropping the sock puppets.
Taking a few steps forward, Anon stood between Discord and the girls.
“Hey Discord, it’s been a while. Well for you” Anon replied.
Floating down to eye level, Discord still couldn’t seem to believe his eyes. Anything he could conjure seemed to be less unpredictable than this.
“But. But how!? It’s been over a thousand hundred years” Discord asked.
A pony couldn’t live more than a century. Ten times that couldn’t be possible.
“That’s a long story. But there’s something I should probably explain” Anon began.
“She’s Anon!” Pinkie blurted out.
“Pinkie!” The girls called out in unison, scolding the mare for spoiling the surprise.
“Sorry” Pinkie apologised, covering her mouth with her hooves.
“What?” Discord asked.
“Yeah, that’s what I wanted to say. Sorry bro, I didn’t fuck your mom but I AM her” Anon explained.
After seeing his mother for the first time in a thousand years, it turning out that she was his rival for the title of being the most chaotic being in Equestria…
Actually made a lot of sense.
“Well, at least I know where I got it” Discord commented.
“Eeyep” Anon agreed “also could you change me back please? My unmentionables have been getting weirdly warm for the last few days and I’ve had strange dreams including Big Mac, Shining Armour and a large cucumber”
Snapping his fingers, Discord turned the mare back into a stallion.
Stretching his limbs out, Anon ducked his head between his front legs. With his face being greeted by the sight of his stallionhood Anon let out a scream of joy.
“Thank Disney! My boys! I never thought I’d see you again!” Anon smiled through tears of joy as he talked to his meat and two veg.
“Cream, come look at my penis! It’s back!” Anon invited his wife.
“No thanks sweetie I know what it looks like” Cream declined the offer.
“I’ll do it!” Pinkie offered “but you gotta shake what your mama gave ya!” She added, pulling out a bag of bits.
“Ok you need to be stopped” Twilight stated.
“Hey Mo- Da- hey Anon. Can I move back in with you guys? Your life seems more chaotic than anything I can make up here” Discord requested.
“Ok but you can’t tell Celestia and Luna I’m their mother” Anon stated.
“Agreed, it’ll be funnier this way” Discord agreed, chuckling at the torment he was unleashing upon his “big sisters”
…
It was barely a day after they returned to Ponyville that Anon received terrible news.
And no, his IKIRIN hot tub hadn’t been delayed on its delivery.
It had been cancelled altogether due to supply chain issues but that wasn’t the problem.
“The Commies are doing what?” Anon asked.
With Discord no longer defending the northern territories, Stalliongrad marched over the borders in their thousands.
While the main crystal mines were moved with the city the traditional lands of the Crystal Empire were still rich in minerals.
“They’ve invaded our old lands. We got reports from Canterlot guards” Crystal explained.
“What do we do?” Cadence asked.
“Well we need to find a diplomatic solution. No blood should be shed if there can be a peaceful outcome-“ Anon began. His sensible solution being drowned out as a piece of wood with “ISS Anon’s Shlong” written in it.
“What is that?” Cadence asked.
There was only one construct in all of Equestria that went by that name.
The sole ship of the Imperial Royal Fleet. A fishing vessel that accessed the sea via an Equestrian port. It sometimes patrolled near the Stalliongrad border.
“It was sunk, none of the crew were harmed but the ship itself was los-“ Crystal began before being interrupted.
“WAR CRIMES! WE ARE COMMITTING WAR CRIMES!” Peganon roared.