Anon’s sham marriage
In the nightlife of Canterlot, Princess Luna ruled. Which was unlucky for a certain thestral.
Collapsing onto the marble floor Anon panted heavily, the princess of the night looking down on him with disappointment “there is no time for lollygagging Anon, there are still many foals who’s dreams we have not visited” Luna stated poking the exhausted pony with her front hoof.
Swatting it away Anon continued to lay on the floor, his fur drenched in sweat “Princess we’ve been at this for hours! We’ve already helped foals fight eight wererabbits, two Lord Frieza’s and fucking Thanos! At this point I’m considering just quitting writing and finding a new profession” Anon complained, seeing how his books have negatively affected the youth of Equestria and by extension him.
Letting out a snort Luna rolled her eyes “fine, thou art done for tonight, but do not mistake this as being finished with thy punishment” Luna said using her magic to open a portal leading back to Anon’s home. Dragging himself onto his feet Anon began making his way to the portal. But before he could enter he was stopped by Luna’s hoof blocking his path.
“Sir Anon, we do have one last request,” Luna explained.
“Oh god don’t tell me she wants dick to! I’m still recovering from Cup and Pinkie!” Anon thought to himself “yes?” He asked out loud hesitantly.
“Due to our outings becoming so frequent, Tia has begun insisting that we start paying you for your time. As such we require your banking information and citizenship forms to streamline the process of payment and taxation. Also we don’t want to have to swing a bag of bits at you every week” Luna explained.
Few things genuinely stumped Anon these days. He’d been turned into a pony, is in an epic open relationship with the milf landlady of his best friend who has the personality crack addict on a high and occasionally plays cards with a zebra witch-doctor.
But this genuinely confused him “banks? Citizenship forms?” Anon asked, tilting his head to the side. Confusion must be contagious because Luna soon mimicked his head tilt “you do have legal citizenship in Equestira right? Did Tia not give you a certificate of immigration when you got here?” Luna asked.
Anon thought back to when he first got to Equestria. Trying to see if anything like that had happened.
-1.5 years ago-
The guards were beyond confused. This green faceless creature in a dapper suit had fallen into the throne room and was now sitting with Princess Celestia laying back in his lap.
“Who’s a good horse-princess? Is it you? Is it you? Yes it is! Oh yes it is!” The creature said in a silly voice. Using one of its strange claw-like appendages to rub the princess’s belly and another to scratch her ear.
“Should… should we get the captain?” One of the guards asked the other “nah, I think the princess might be upset if he stopped” the other said.
They continued to watch as the green creature continued to inform Celestia she was indeed a good horse-princess.
-back to the present-
“It must have slipped her mind,” Anon said, leaving out the details.
Luna put her hoof to her chin “this is a predicament, if you have no legal papers then I’m afraid Anon thou art considered an illegal immigrant. As Princess I’m afraid you must be deported back to your homeland” Luna explained “what!” Anon exclaimed “Luna I can’t get back to my homeland, I’m trapped here” Anon explained.
Humming to herself Luna thought over what to do “well, we suppose thou could stay if you were a political refugee” Luna said “I mean a guy I don’t like is president. But that applies to the last three of them” Anon said “are thou married to an Equestrian citizen or father of a foal born on our soil?” Luna asked.
“Well, there’s a 50/50 chance the baby growing in Cup Cake is mine but she’s not due for another six months. What’s that about marriage again?” Anon asked “if thou are married to an Equestiran citizen thou may obtain residency and apply for citizenship after living within Equestria for a minimum of three years, it’s all right there in the law book” Luna explained.
Running out of options Anon got onto his hind leg, assuming the position of someone on one knee “darling” he began “no” Luna shut down flatly. Looking around Anon turned to a passing member of the night guard “darling” he began again before again being shut down “I have a colt friend” he said before continuing on his route.
Suddenly Anon was lifted up by a blue aura “thou have 48 hours to obtain a wife or thou will be deported to the nearest foreign nation” Luna said before yeeting Anon through the portal.
As the portal closed Anon laid there on the floor contemplating his next move.
There was no way he could get a mare to marry him in two days. This place didn’t even know what polygamy was until he explained it to Cadance… or at least he thinks that’s the case.
But either way Anon had a good guess he couldn’t marry Cup due to her being already married.
Getting to his feet he went over to the coffee table. Grabbing a pen and quill he began writing the letter that may save his bacon.
Dear Celestia
We’ve got a problem.
When I first arrived in your throne room all that time ago I was more preoccupied with how fluffy and adorable you are. Hence the continued reinforcements that you are indeed a very good horse-princess.
But I digress.
It turns out you didn’t give me legal citizenship when I was released into your lands (not your fault) and Luna has found out.
She’s given me 2 days to find somepony with citizenship to marry, otherwise I’ll be kicked out of the country.
Now you can see why this is difficult to do. So I was wondering if I could get my hands on some of that citizenship if you don’t mind.
Love, your main stallion.
PS: it’s me, Anon.
PPS: sorry again for what I did to your nephew he was being a prick.
PPPS: inform him that restraining order can’t protect him
Sealing the envelope Anon, using his umbrella as the sun began to come up, placed it in the mailbox hoping the mailmare would be along to send it.
But he couldn’t hitch all his bets on Sun-Booty saving his flank.
Looking around his house Anon sighed “I hate to say it, but I’ve gotta find me a mare who ISN'T already married” he said to himself before using his umbrella to head into town in search of a bride “or at least one who’s willing to leave her husband for the Anon-Dong” he added.
Thinking through his list of options Anon had to again cross Cup Cake out. She was already married and Anon wasn’t convinced Carrot would be thrilled with having to share his marriage. Sex is a different package entirely but not marriage.
Still there was one mare in Sugarcube Corner who might be able to help. Entering the bakery Anon could see a flash of Pinkie whizzing around from table to table leaving sugary goods in its wake.
“Hey Nonny! What are you doing so early? Did you blow up your house again?” Pinkie asked “Pinkie will you marry me?” Anon asked. The entire shop went quiet as everyone almost froze in place “sorry I should have been more accurate, Pinkie will you PRETEND to marry me so I don’t get deported for being an illegal immigrant?” Anon asked a second time.
“Ooooooh, yep sure that makes way more sense!” Pinkie agreed. Sighing in relief Anon relaxed a little “thanks Pinks, I owe you big time” Anon thanked “okie-dokie, but we’ve gotta make it look super real” Pinkie stated “any ideas?” Anon asked “well~” Pinkie said with a mischievous smile spreading across her face.
Zipping forward Pinkie’s muzzle squished against Anon’s “I want a baby!” She said as her smile produced a squeaking sound.
“Hm hm, hey what’s that?” Anon asked, pointing his hoof behind Pinkie. Turning to look she saw a colt sat eating jam out of the jar, freezing as he realised he was being watched.
Turning back Pinkie noticed Anon was gone, the door swinging slightly “was-was that a yes?” Carrot asked “he didn’t say no~” Pinkie responded.
“Well that was a close shave” Anon said to himself “ok now I need to try plan B” he added “B of course being for Big Mac”
Entering Sweet Apple Acres Anon trotted up to the door of the Apple family residence. Knocking on it four times he waited for a response.
“I’m comin I’m comin” a cranky old voice called out. Opening the door Anon was slightly disappointed to see not Big Mac but Granny Smith standing at the door. And I use the term standing loosely.
“What do you want boy?” She asked in a less than friendly tone “sorry to intrude but is Big Mac here?” Anon asked. Raising a wrinkled eyebrow Granny pointed out to the orchid “thank you” Anon thanked before heading out towards the apple trees.
Seeing the red stallion, Anon approached his friend “yo Big Mac!” He called out getting his attention “hate to interrupt your work but we need to talk real quick” Anon explained “eeyep” Mac said.
“Listen, you know how we’ve known each other for a long time right?”
“Eeyep”
“And I’ve helped your family wherever I could, asking nothing in return right?”
“Eeyep”
“Well now I’m asking, I need you to convince your sister to pretend to marry me so I don’t get deported to Yakyakistan”
“Nnope”
“What do you mean nnope!?” Anon said “my life is on the line here! You’re her brother she’ll listen to you” Anon stated. Falling on his knees Anon grew more desperate by the second “please Big Mac, I can’t go to Yakyakistan, last time I went to a place with Stan in the name I got arrested for doing my Borat impression by accident! It was not a great success!” Anon begged.
Looking Anon in the eyes, Big Mac could tell he was genuinely scared. Letting out a sigh, Big Mac pointed to the other end of the field. There Applejack was bucking trees and collecting the apples with Applebloom.
“Thank you my friend” Anon said as he began trotting away “that poor poor colt” Big Mac sighed to himself.
Placing another apple in the cart Applebloom noticed Anon approaching. Ginning wildly the filly ran up almost tackling the stallion’s leg trying to hug him “Anon how ya been? You don’t visit enough” she asked, oblivious to Anon trying to shake her off his leg “I’m good Bloom, can you let go now?” Anon asked, shaking his trapped leg progressively harder to no avail.
“Applebloom you heard Anon” Applejack said using a stern tone “fine” Applebloom said reluctantly letting go.
“How’s it been sugarcube?” Applejack asked in her rich southern accent “good good, actually I came here to ask a favour if you don’t mind” Anon explained “sure thing, you’ve helped out in the past. B’out time we repay it, Applebloom go see if Big Mac needs a hoof while Anon and I chat” Applejack told her sister “ok, come back soon Anon!” The filly said as she raced across the field.
“So what’s this favour sugarcube?” She asked “well, it turns out I’m an illegal immigrant. Now Luna’s trying to deport me” Anon explained shocking Applejack “what? Well that ain’t right at all” she said, getting genuinely annoyed by the news “eeyep” Anon said doing a half-assed Big Mac impression “I’ve sent a letter to Celestia trying to sort it out but I’m not putting all my hopes on her. The only other way I’ll be able to stay in Equestria is if I… marry someone who already lives here” he explained.
Applejack’s eyes went wide for a moment “you see where I’m going with this?” Anon asked. Adjusting her hat, Applejack started to look uncomfortable with the situation “Anon, you’re a real good friend but… I’m not ready for that kind of commitment” she said apologetically “and I can’t try and pull wool over the princess’s eyes. It just ain’t honest” she added “I can get behind that, still I’m not out of options yet. And if all else fails I’ll just have to flee into the woods and vibe with Zecora for a few months and prey Cup’s foal comes out with bat wings” Anon said chuckling at the end.
Joining him with a light laugh Applejack went back to work “good luck Anon, and if things don’t turn out right I’ll try and visit you wherever you end up, Applebloom will be happy to see ya” Applejack said “thanks AJ, also if Pinkie comes by I was never here” Anon said “do I want to know?” Applejack asked “no” Anon responded as he left the mare to her work.
“Ok that’s two down four to go. It ain’t looking up for old Anon” Anon said to himself as he headed towards Fluttershy’s cottage.
The two didn’t talk much but that was more down to his solitary nature and her timidness than a general disliking of each other.
Knocking on the door Anon waited for a while before it swung open “evening Flutters” Anon greeted. Putting on a kind smile Fluttershy greeted him back “h-hello Anon, what brings you here?” She asked “actually I need a favour, Luna wants to deport me so I kind of came here to ask you to pretend to be my wife” he explained.
For a moment Anon thought he was looking at Big Mac’s twin, as Fluttershy’s blush managed to cover her entire face “I-I-I-I” she stuttered repeatedly “it’s ok if you don’t want to, I know it’s really sudden and- ow!” Anon began before a carrot was launched into his face.
The culprit, a certain white shitstain of a rabbit stood on the top of the building launching another one at him “Angel!” Fluttershy called out, snapping out of her trance. Flapping her wings she flew up trying to catch the rabbit as it continued to pelt Anon. When he ran out of carrots he started moving onto rocks, all while hopping about to avoid Fluttershy.
As the rocks got larger Anon cut his losses and retreated from the area. Plotting to one day return and test if he remembered his grandmother’s rabbit pie recipe.
“Ok maybe Twilight, at least her pet is cool” Anon said, nursing the bump on his head.
The library seemed pretty empty, yet again with the Princess of Bookworms living here Anon was 99% sure the whole “I run a library” thing was a cover to hide Twiggle’s book hoarding problem.
“Hello?” Anon called out “coming!” The voice of Spike said as he waddled down the stairs “hey Anon what’s up?” Spike asked “is Twilight here? I’ve come to ask for her hoof in marriage” Anon explained. Spike’s jaw dropped. Like, reeeealy dropped.
Lifting it out of the two inch deep hole it created, Spike cleared his throat. “Y-yeah sure let me go get her” he said climbing back up the stairs.
“Afternoon Anon, how can I help?” Twilight asked, coming down the stairs. “I need you to marry me so I don’t get deported,” Anon explained.
“Oh, so Princess Celestia’s letter wasn’t a joke” she said reluctantly.
“Letter? What letter?!” Anon asked “she sent me a letter explaining Princess Luna was planning to deport you for illegal immigration, she’s working on a solution but now that the diarchy has been restored she’ll have to convince Princess Luna to agree to you getting citizenship” Twilight explained.
“Yeah so you see my problem” Anon stated “yes, yes I do” she responded.
A moment of silence passed before Anon spoke again “so we are getting married or what?” Anon asked “I’m sorry but I have to say no” Twilight apologised “oh come on please?” Anon half begged.
“Anon I know you’re in trouble but I only just started to have friends, if I do end up getting married I want it to be with that special somepony” Twilight explained.
“Damn it, well I can’t blame you for that” Anon said “have you tried Pinkie? She seems to be the one of us who you spend the most time around” Twilight suggested “she wants a foal, I’ve already got one mouth on the way” Anon explained “Fluttershy?” Twilight said “Angel” Anon said.
“Applejack?”
“Pretending to be married is dishonesty”
Twilight thought for a second “Rainbow Dash?” She said quickly realising she was running out of friends. Anon thought for a second. He hadn’t tried asking Rainbow had he?
“Ok, Dash it is”
You know that old saying “the worst she can say is no”? Well that was clearly a blatant lie.
For you see Dash didn’t say no, she just stood there laughing, for six minutes.
“Y-y-you thought ‘hah!’ That I would ‘pfft’ with you! That’s hilarious!” Rainbow howlled “oh come on it’s not like you’ve got anyone lining up or something” Anon argued.
“Hey Dashie what’s the holdup?” A feminine voice came from upstairs. Hearing it Rainbow froze, her laughter died faster than a plague victim.
“Dash, who was that?” Anon asked “er, uh, nopony! Thanks for dropping by but I’ve got to feed my plant and water my turtle bye-“ she sputtered out trying to close the door.
Looking down in horror as a yellow/orange hoof blocked it the source of the second voice became clear “Rainbow, why is Spitfire from the Wonderbolts in your house?” Anon asked “Dashie here invited my team round for a bit of ‘after party fun’” she explained.
Anon couldn’t be the one to judge about arranging orgies but after the six minutes he just lived through he couldn’t help but give the most judging look imaginable “hey don’t look at me like that!” Rainbow said in an uncharacteristically embarrassed voice “so, what’s your name tall dark and fuzzy~” Spitfire asked “Anon” he said introducing himself “well ‘Anon’ the teams waiting upstairs, there’s room for one more of you’re up for it” she invited making the heavily blushing Rainbow Dash look like she wanted to die to escape this situation.
Looking at the non existent watch on his wrist Anon shrugged “eh, I’ve got time for a quick orgy” he shrugged following Spitfire up the stairs with Dash trailing behind “I’m gonna get you for this” she whispered to the stallion in front of her “promises promises” Anon whispered back.
He knew Dash was going to hurt him. But at this point it’s worth it.
After a sports orgy and a quick trip to the medical clinic for shattered ribs Anon found himself stood outside Rarity’s home Anon planned out his next move. This was the last real female friend who lived in town.
“Ok Anon, maximum effort,” he said to himself.
Entering the boutique Anon looked around. The place was pretty dead, no customers whatsoever.
“Oh Anon it’s just you” the voice of Rarity called out from behind him. Turning he saw the mare carrying a large box with fabrics sticking out the top “hey Rare, want a hoof with that?” He asked to take the box off of her.
Wiping a bead of sweat from her brow Rarity turned her attention back to Anon “that you for that darling, you really are a knight in shining armour” she thanked.
Trying not to drop the deceptively heavy box Anon followed Rarity to the storage room. Placing the box in a pile with a few others Anon rolled his shoulders a little trying to get rid of the sore feeling.
“So what can I help you with darling?” Rarity asked.
“Alright Anon, here goes nothing” he thought to himself “Rarity, Luna found out I was technically an illegal immigrant, now I have only 20 hours to marry a citizen or I’ll be deported unless Celestia can somehow convince her to let this one slide. I wouldn’t be asking this if I could think of any other option. Rarity, will you pretend to marry me?” Anon asked, explaining his whole situation.
“Alright” Rarity said with a sultry smile on her face “really?” Anon asked, thinking there must be a catch somewhere. “Well I’d be a lier if I said I didn’t see what a handsome stallion you’ve become Anon, so why not be married for a little while?” Rarity explained.
Relaxing Anon let his guard down, not noticing Rarity’s horn light up with magic “thanks Rare, I owe you one-“ he said before he felt something wrap around his neck.
Feeling along his neck he found himself in a leather collar “Rarity, care to explain” he said sheepishly “oh my dear Anon, you didn’t think it would be that easy did you? The deal is simple, I’ll be your bride if, and only if, you can last one hour without climaxing” Rarity explained as she summoned a riding crop from one of the boxes “and don’t worry, Sweetie Belle's is spending the day with her friends, so we have the whole place to ourselves~” she added licking her lips slowly.
“Ok brain think up a way out of this” Anon thought to himself.
“What’s that?” Anon asked, pointing behind Rarity. Turning her head she only saw a few boxes of materials stacked together.
Looking back she saw that Anon was gone and the sound of the front door opening could be heard.
“Why do stallions always react like that?” Rarity asked herself.
Zecora’s hut wasn’t hard to find. Look for the tree covered in masks and you’re there.
“What has made you so down, that it has brought you to my side of town?” The zebra asked “we’re not in a town but ok” Anon said getting technical “I need you to marry me, or at least pretend to so I can use your immigration forms to legally continue living in Equestria” Anon explained.
Zecora stayed silent for a moment before answering “you need forms to live here?” She asked, her lack of rhythms indicating she didn’t know either.
“Well shit, looks like it’s onto plan G” Anon signed reluctantly.
“Big Mac, will you marry me?” Anon asked standing at the Apple family door at 3 in the morning “… eh, eeyep” Big Mac agreed, knowing whenever Anon got desperate he tended to do dumb shit.
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Perfection.
11587973
Nothing says the power of friendship like pretending to be your friends husband to prevent them being deported for breaking immigration laws
... I'm surprised Celestia didn't offer to marry him.
I have no word HAHAHAHAHAH
Lmfao!!!!
So they'd deport him to win random country? Yikes.
Luna is being a ass about deporting anon becus of twilight 100% mistake and all putting anon in the mess
perfection
Absolutely priceless ♡
TFS DBZ reference ♡
The fuck... They fixed up shattered ribs like i replace a towel for a bath?
Especially if a operation would be needed, what most likely was the case.
OK... That chapter was extreamly hilarious, definitely a favorite placement and a like from me ♡
457 likes by now,
👍