Anon lies about being a federal agent
“Wake up you lazy varmint!” The sound of a very grumpy old bat said as Anon was launched out of his bed.
Rubbing the segment of his head he landed on, Anon looked to see Granny Smith looking at him with her usual disappointed glare “it’s five in the morning, what are you doing still in bed?” She asked “still in bed? Lady, I don't go to sleep until four in the morning. My race is nocturnal” Anon explained “nocturnal? What farm work could you possibly get done at night?” She asked “I don’t do farm work remember? I write novels” he said.
“Bah! What good is reading? That’s for getting foals to sleep, you’re an Apple now sonny it’s about time you started acting like one” Granny stated “why does everyone assume I took Mac’s name? You realise we aren’t actually married right? We’re just pretending to be so I don't get deported” Anon stated.
“Pretending or not I’m not having some layabout under my roof” she said heading downstairs.
For the sake of appearances Anon had moved into a spare room at Sweet Apple Acres. Rather until he and Big Mac had been “married” long enough for him to get citizenship or until Princess Celestia can sort things out with Luna. It wasn’t that bad most days, he and Big Mac were still best friends, Applejack was teaching him how to make apple cider when they had the time and Applebloom was having fun having two older brothers.
Then there was Granny Smith…
Now originally Anon was worried she’d be against the whole thing considering well… She’s old, and southern, and Anon was convinced she didn’t know how to spell her own name.
But that was the least of Anon’s troubles from the old bat. She didn’t seem to understand that he’s not a farm worker, or that he catches fire when in direct sunlight.
“It’s only for a little while longer Anon, you just need to wait it out” he said to himself climbing back into bed “and who knows maybe this sham will outlive her and we can get a whopping inheritance hehehehehehehe” he added chuckling to himself.
After a few hours of reclaiming stolen rest Anon had the energy to crawl out of bed. The moon was high in the sky and the Apple family was fast asleep.
Sure it meant Anon didn’t have to deal with the bitch queen from hell he knew as Granny but it made sneaking out slightly more of a challenge.
Needing to use the window of his room Anon made his way back to his actual home on the edge of the Everfree.
It had been rebuilt into a more spacious house on par with what was standard in Ponyville.
Going inside he collapsed onto his sofa.
The Apple’s were a tough family, resulting in their furniture being equally tough. Anon was far too floofy and relaxed for that kind of living.
“Stupid Luna, everything was fine until she started asking questions” Anon grumbled to himself “we assume this ‘stupid Luna’ is another mare who happens to bear our royal name” a less than approving voice said behind him.
Doing a double flip Anon landed on the floor with a hard thud. Getting back to his feet Anon turned to see Princess Luna stood at the other end of the sofa “erm, yes. Yes there is a second pony I know named Luna, but her name is spelt with a oo instead of a u” Anon lord through his teeth.
Raising an eyebrow of doubt Luna took a seat on the sofa “we see” she said. Taking a seat on the other end of the sofa Anon sat there awkwardly while trying to figure out why she’s here.
The two sat in silence for a minute or two before the silence was broken. Luna turning to Anon lit up her horn with magic.
A mirror of light appeared in front of the two. An image of a cave surrounded by woodlands appeared with a pair of large humanoid creatures with doglike features standing at the front of it.
“We have received reports that a pack of diamond dogs have migrated to the Everfree forest in order to set up a mine, apparently another pack had set up operations in the area before but have been recently driven out. It appears these new visitors intend to do the same” Luna explained.
When the name diamond dogs was uttered Anon got a short flashback to the girls telling him how Rarity got ponynapped by some creatures of the same name. Apparently they were hulking dog creatures who were obsessed with gems and other shiny things. Supposedly they were pretty stupid.
“We wish for you to clear them out, their society is backwards and engages in slavery. If they are permitted to grow they could become a threat to all towns along the Everfree’s borders” Luna explained" Wait, if they’re so dangerous then why aren't Twilight and her friends the ones being sent after them?” Anon asked “we cannot rely on Twilight for everything Anon, additionally this mission will require more ruthless methods than what the Element Bearers are accustomed to. You on the other hoof, from what we have observed thou are…” Luna tried to explain before trailing off looking for the right words “a maniac from a planet that would make your world’s most evil beings shit their collective pants?” Anon asked.
Looking away for a second, almost sheepishly Luna nodded “that would be the correct description” Luna explained “ok, now what’s in it for me?” Anon asked. Luna was taken aback by this “we, we beg your pardon?” She asked “what am I getting out of this? It sounds like you expect me to fix this problem so what am I getting out of it?” Anon explained further.
“We can grant you thy coveted citizenship”
“Gonna get it in a year anyways”
“We can pay in bits”
“I make more than my husband’s family farm in the same timeframe”
Luna was getting annoyed by Anon’s difficulty “then what do you want!” She all but snapped. Thinking for a moment Anon got a little grin on his face “I want a favour” he explained.
“A, favour?” Luna asked “yep, a royal favour to be called in at any time” Anon explained.
“If thou intend to try any mating rituals with us using this as leverage” Luna threatened calmly “I’m not Princess trust me, having a royal owe you just comes with a lot of perks” Anon explained.
Luna wasn’t entirely sure about this but beyond going in and wrecking them herself, something that would defeat the point of her trying to show her citizens she wasn’t scary. Relenting Luna nodded her head “we will grant you ONE royal favour, but we expect you to be grateful” Luna said, trying to sound like she maintained the high ground in these negotiations.
Anon already knew exactly how to manipulate this to his advantage.
The cave was exactly where Luna said it would be. Dig into the side of a small hill of stone barely classifying as a mountain.
While going through the Everfree had become relatively easy to deal with due to the many trips Anon had taken there, these diamond dogs may not. From what Anon had been told they’re big and strong but also dangerously stupid.
“You know, a gem mine may not be such a bad investment, and these things TECHNICALLY aren’t citizens so paying them under minimum wage isn’t illegal” Anon mused to himself. Whatever areas of his brain responsible for moral goodness and righteousness were quickly beaten by the part of his brain that controlled his greed.
Approaching the cave Anon was stopped. Standing at the entrance was a large semi-anthropomorphic dog-like creature in shabbily made armour.
“Halt!” It said pointing its spear at Anon “you can’t go in there” the guard said “said who?” Anon asked “what?” The guard asked in a confused voice “who said I can’t go in there?” Anon asked. Scratching the top of his helmet the guard looked down at Anon “well… I don’t know?” He admitted “well why don’t you let me go in and I’ll see who said that” Anon suggested “uuh, I guess that makes sense” the guard said moving to the side and letting Anon past.
The dimly lit cave went on for a good while, eventually it turned from a natural dug out into a man made… well dog-made tunnel.
In the distance Anon could hear the sound of mining in the distance. Metal clanking against stone grew louder and louder.
Coming to a large cavern Anon could see dozens of diamond dogs digging through the stone and dirt making new tunnels or expanding the existing cavern. On a pedestal at the far end of the cavern sat a particularly large dog sitting on a pile of gemstones.
“Ok found the boss” Anon said to himself “now how do I take over the mine?” He added rubbing his chin with his hoof.
“Luna said they practised slavery, so it’s safe to say it’s a strong over the weak situation. What’s more brutal and uncaring villainy than slavery?” Anon thought to himself. He pondered for a moment before it hit him.
“Unions”
Trotting up to the nearest dog he gently tapped its shoulder “what you want pony?” It asked in broken speech “hi I’m Anon, you want to join my Miners Union?” Anon asked with an uncharacteristically polite tone that just confused the dog.
“You-nion?” He asked “no not you-nion, a union. Basically everybody in this mine signs up to the union then a union representative, that’s me, gives the management a list of reasonable demands from the workers or we stop working” Anon explained.
“Stop working? But the boss is boss, we stop working he will punish us” the diamond dog said cowering at the thought “that’s why we need everyone to sign up, there’s dozens of you and only one of him” Anon explained “come on there’s got to be something you want right? Better pay? Days off?” Anon asked.
The confused look on the diamond dog turned to that of someone who just heard a foreign language for the first time “what’s pay?” He asked “you know, pay. When you do so many hours of work and you get given money for your efforts. Or in your case some gems” Anon explained.
“We don’t get paid, all the gems go to the boss” he explained “well you should be getting paid. Say, one gem a day? So are you in or out?” Anon asked “I in” he stated “good, now go convince the others while I go give the demands for pay to the boss” Anon said as he began moving towards the gem covered pedestal the diamond dog boss was sat on.
He looked like the typical diamond dog, grey fur, sickly yellow/green eyes with small pupils. The main difference was the sheer size of him, the next largest diamond dog by comparison was roughly twice Anon’s size. This one was even larger, bordering on being four times the stallion’s size.
“What are you doing in my mine pony? I told the guards no ponies!” The towering beast snarled as he looked down onto Anon.
Having dealt with Pinkie during a heat cycle Anon was far less easy to scare than the diamond dog was expecting “hello, I’m Anon, I’m with the Worker’s Union and Equestrian Revenue Service” Anon introduced himself lying through his teeth about the last bit.
Raising an eyebrow the diamond dog got off his throne of gems and walked over to Anon “I’m Boss Dog, this is my mine, these are my slaves. What I say goes and I say no ponies!” Boss Dog introduced himself, barking out the last sentence, drool flying all over Anon’s face.
“Ok I’ll need to get a wet wipe after this” Anon thought to himself “well we just need to sort out your taxes and the worker’s complaints and I’ll be in my way” Anon said wiping his face with his fore-leg.
“Taxes!? I’m not going to pay taxes!” Boss Dog insisted “usually I’d agree but I have a job to do, by the princess’s orders I need to inform you of any and all taxes you need to pay in order to continue business in Equestria, let’s see what taxes are there?” Anon continued to lie like a politician.
“From what I’ve observed so far there are dozens of types of taxes you haven been paying. Income tax, business tax, capital gains tax-“ Anon droned on, the ever growing list made Boss Dog cover his ears trying to block the noise out “stop it, stupid pony stop talking!” He roared, almost sounding as if he was in pain. “windows tax, stamp tax, urine tax, hat tax, carbon emissions tax, beard tax” Anon continued “we are diamond dogs we don’t have beards!” Boss Dog cried out “knowledge tax, brick tax, and down even get me started on your ESG score because that is abysmal” Anon trailed on.
“Enough!” Boss Dog roared, the power behind it enough to shake the very walls. Rocks came loose and some diamond dogs scampered away in fear “you know so much?! It's your mine now!” Boss Dog said glaring with utter disgust at Anon. Who luckily had stopped listing taxes.
Watching the hulking giant leave with his hoard Anon was left in the middle of the cavern, surrounded by stunned diamond dogs “so uh, what we do now?” One asked looking to his kin “for now just get back to digging, tomorrow? Well, there’s going to be a few changes around here” Anon stated.
Another month passed since Anon took control of the mine. Getting the diamond dogs organised was a pain in his not so jolly green rump. Teaching them about modern mining practices (well what passed for it in Equestria) was harder. Using his own wealth amassed from book sales, Luna’s begrudging payments for helping her dream patrols and a few bits he may have made being a porch pirate at the Rich family home he got proper minecart tracks laid down and actual equipment instead of the dumb dogs digging with their paws.
On top of that despite “technically” being an illegal operation the mine still produced a ton of paperwork involved in running it. Salaries, equipment costs and general upkeep was a bitch.
But it worked. Profits were up, the miners were happy and all was right with the world.
There was just one thing making his life a headache.
“Why the hell is the rain chocolate? Oh god they didn’t let Pinkie run the weather team did they?” Anon asked out loud.
(JoJo music plays in the background)
Turning around Anon saw what looked like a tube with mismatched animal limbs standing in orange chaos and a matching coat “ok literally what the fuck?” Anon said “you thought it was Pinkie Pie, but it was me! Discord!” The creature explained, its weird goat face smiling back at Anon.
“Who?”
AN: the weird part is all those taxes Anon mentioned were real at some point. Look it up. You
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11591425
That’s… something that I should have thought of.
Once I saw the paragraph with the guard, and he said, says who I knew it was over I knew he was so stupid. It was cute.
Hmm... something that I just thought ofregarding the previous chapter.
Him being a Thestral, would his deportation not be defaulted to the Thestral homeland?
11592144
I’m not sure they really have a homeland. I haven’t looked into it but this does give me an idea for a future chapter.
I imagine Anon is very much like Ricky from the Trailer Park Boys lol
Hey, he could totally make the mines a secondary vacation home!
Now I want to see Discord in a stand battle. Not sure if I want him to be the stand or if I want to see what weirdness his stand would involve. That said I am near positive the name would involve Weird Al Yankovic music. Wether or not Cheese Sandwich should be directly involved remains to be seen.
Ok... Perhaps it will be a battle between Anon and Discord in which one can cause the most chaos? Or can it cause more fun chaos?
How america and other redicules taxing nations till are in one piece... more or less is very surprising.
Anon, he might be illegal immigrated my magic means on someone else actions, running illegal mining operations, but he still pays non ponies and furthers education and safety. He is a evil mastermind helping Equestria in his own ways.