Anon makes a friend
Taking in the scenery of the Crystal City, Cream Heart marvelled at its beauty.
She’d come up north to visit Anon for the weekend; they were still trying to figure out how to make commuting from Ponyville to the Empire and back easier.
“Good morning Cream Heart” Cadance said as she walked through the hallway.
“Good morning your highness” Cream Heart said, bowing respectfully. As if she hadn’t seen a very accurate recreation of the Princess’s flank.
“Please just call me Cadance” Cadance said, smiling at the smaller mare.
Beginning to walk together the two mares talked with each other.
“So, how’s your son adapting to all of this?” Cadance asked.
“Oh Button is doing fine, he’s just picked out a room for himself and has been on his games since we got here” Cream explained.
Surprised, Cadance raised her brow “is he going to be playing games the whole time he’s here?” She asked. Being ignorant of the sheer gamer will of Button Mash.
“I’m afraid so, once that boy gets his hooves on a game it’s a Celestia level feat to pry him off it” Cream sighed.
“Sounds like raising a foal is a lot more work than just foal-sitting one, at least with the latter their parents come back to raise them later” Cadance said.
Noticing Cadance’s belly beginning to swell, Cream smiled “it is hard, but it’s the most rewarding experience you could ask for '' Cream explained.
With her mind put at ease Candance moved onto a more pressing matter.
“Cream, you know more about stallions than I, perhaps you could help me solve a little… issue. It’s about Shining” Cadance requested. Her voice sounded a little uncomfortable with asking Cream about this.
“Oh I think I can tell what’s wrong” Cream said, jumping to conclusions.
“Really? Is it that obvious?” Cadance asked, surprised by the insight of the older mare.
“Don’t worry it happens to every stallion at some point in their lives” Cream reassured the princess.
“Well, how do I fix it?” Cadance assess
“Well, with Anon, I find that when he gets like that the best thing to do is use your tongue and lick his balls gently until it starts getting hard again, you might have to go a step further and try the same thing with his anu-“ Cream began before being interrupted by a now flustered Cadance.
“That wasn’t what I meant!” She squeaked out.
Cream Heart tilted her head, “it wasn’t? So you and Shining don’t have problems with…” Cream asked.
“No! Well sometimes but that’s not what I mean!” Cadance said.
“I was walking by and I heard Shining and Anon fighting over something. I don’t understand what it was but it was getting pretty heated, I was asking for advice” Cadance explained.
“Oh… well I’ll have to see this for myself. But I’m guessing it has something to do with their masculinity, stallions always act unreasonable when they think their masculinity is being challenged” Cream explained.
Following Cadance to a large pair of doors Cream could hear yelling from the other side.
“I’m not going to take that insult! The stallions under my command are the best guards in Equestria!” Shining yelled.
“The best!? Since singing is the second language of this planet of weirdos I’ll put it in your language” Anon said, some hip hop music coming from the background.
“Death would eat you up without your baby sis and luck, because your guard’s skills Wingardium LevioSUCK!” Anon rapped.
Opening the doors the two mares watched their respective partners glaring each other down.
Looking to one another before looking back to the two stallions, Cadance and Cream Heart shared a confused look.
“What are you boys arguing about?” Cream Heart asked.
“I offered to help organise the armed forces then this yak breath laughed in my face!” Shining explained.
“Dude you’d make an awesome cop don’t get me wrong but I’m not letting a single member of Sun-Bun’s guard in any position of my army!” Anon stated.
“Oh don’t act like you know the first thing about running a military,” Shining argued.
“I know enough not to trust it in the hooves of someone who’s never been to war before. You know, war, the thing armies are for” Anon pointed out.
“One, you’ve never been to war either and two, please tell me you aren’t going to use this ‘army’ to start picking fights” Shining said.
“One, no that’s why I’m planning to hire some griffons to do it and two defensive wars work as well. Unless they have something I really want” Anon answered.
“Griffons? Anon they’ve been at each other’s throats for decades” Cadance said.
“Exactly! Who better to train up a military than a bunch of professional soldiers?” Anon pointed out.
“Anon do you really think that’s a good idea? Griffons aren’t known as the friendliest of creatures” Cream Heart warned.
“Yes but they’re greedy, therefore they won’t be trying anything funny while they’re being paid well and they’re outnumbered a million to one” Anon explained.
It was relatively sound logic when you stopped to think about it.
“So that’s sorted, Spit-Shine you run the police force and I’ll get a griffon or two to train up a volunteer army and all's right with the world” Anon said happily.
“Anon you should still apologise to Shining” Cream Heart stated.
“I’ll do it when he apologises for using yak breath as an insult. Some of my closest non-equine friends are yaks” Anon stated.
Gaining a stern look, Cream Heart started thinking how hard she had to smack Anon for him to see reason.
Then another thought crept into her head. Like that her stern look was replaced with a sly smile.
“Ok Anon, you don’t have to apologise, but. Until you do, this foal will be the closest you get to being inside me” Cream stated, pointing to her stomach for empathise.
“And as for you Prince Shining, that goes for you as well, isn’t that right Cadance?” She adds turning to the other royal couple.
“It does?” Shining asked.
“It does?” Cadance parroted.
Giving the other mare a wink Cream turned to leave.
The gears in Cadance’s head didn’t take long to catch up.
“Yes, yes it does. Now we’ll leave you colts to make up” Cadance said commandingly before following Cream Heart out.
“That’s another tip, few arguments can’t be solved by talking them out like adults. Until they start thinking with what’s between their legs. Then don’t feel bad about using the bedroom as a weapon” Cream Heart whispered to Cadance.
Being left alone, Shining and Anon looked at each other in confusion.
“Did- did our wives just use sex to strong arm us into getting along?” Shining asked.
“I think so. Is it weird I think Cream’s hotter now?” Anon asked.
Standing in silence for a moment Shining shook her head “no I’ve got the same feeling with Cadance” He responded.
Scratching their heads, the two stallions didn’t talk for a while.
“Listen, I’m sorry I said your guard was shit, and for laughing at you when you suggested basing the army off of it” Anon apologised.
“Yeah, I’m sorry I pushed back so hard. Your breath doesn't smell like a yak” Shining apologised.
“So… you wanna go to a bar?” Anon asked.
“… yeah,” Shining agreed.
Leaving the two stallions to cool down for an hour, Cream and Cadance returned.
“Alright boys, have you made up?” Cream asked as she opened the doors.
Blinking she looked around, neither Anon or Shining were anywhere to be seen.
“Boys? Boy!?” Cream called out.
“I know where they’ve gone” Cadance said holding a note from the table.
Gone the pub,
Be back soon,
Love you,
Anon xxx
“Well, at least they’re friends now” Cadance said trying to see the positive.
In the lower half of the city, there is a small tavern with a sign saying “The Crystal Glass” hanging over it.
Inside there were mostly crystal ponies of various kinds with one or two diamond dogs and a thestral gathered after a long day's work.
In a booth at the back Anon and Shining sat with their drinks.
Anon sat with a pitcher of cider while Shining had a glass of red wine, the bottle next to him.
“You know you could have asked for a glass right?” Shining asked.
“But that defeats the point of asking for a pitcher of cider, plus I wasn’t going to argue further after I made him accept money for it” Anon responded, taking a large slurp of his drink.
Rolling his eyes, Shining watched the other clientele go about their business.
There were a few staring at them, but they quickly turned away one their eyes and Shining’s met.
“So” Anon said, bombing as he tried to start a conversation.
“So?” Shining parroted.
“Tell me how you became captain of the guard?” Anon asked.
“Well, I was the most competent guard when our last captain retired so he picked me as his replacement” Shining explained.
“Not much else to it” he added.
“I must have pulled a lot of overtime to earn that eh?” Anon asked.
“Yep” Shining said, his tone darkening for a moment.
Noticing the shift in tone Anon took another mouthful of his drink “what’s with the moody yep?” He asked.
“Nothing” Shining responded flatly.
Seeing this resistance Anon had two options.
One, respect his privacy and don’t push it further.
Or two, assert his authority as a king by pushing him anyways.
Safe to say he chose option two.
“Shining” Anon stated, making the stallion look him in the eyes.
“I didn’t drag you and your wife up here to foal sit me. I just want to make that clear. I dragged you up here because everyone here is terrified I’m going to turn into another Sombra first chance I get. As long as that’s the case there’s no one to stop me doing whatever I want. And as the old saying goes, absolute power corrupts absolutely. So until a time comes when they aren’t scared of me we’re going to have to get along. So tell me what’s wrong or I’ll wait until you and Candance are asleep then develop a foreign policy by myself” Anon said, making the latter half of his monologue a clear threat.
Relenting to the continued annoying Anon brought down upon him, Shining sighed.
“Nobels think they’re quieter than they are. Some think I only got my position because Twily is Celestia’s student and others because Cadance and I started dating a few weeks after my promotion” Shining explained.
“And you’re scared they’re right?” Anon asked.
“No, the Princess doesn’t have anything to do with picking the guard’s Captain. She thinks it would show bias if she did pick who she wanted, and Cadance didn’t ask me out until nearly a month after my promotion” Shining corrected.
“Then what’s the problem? You know they're wrong and so does the rest of the town. I just see some envious nobles” Anon said.
“Because half the capital thinks the same! After the Changeling invasion they- gah how could I have not noticed it?” Shining explained. Holding his head in his hooves.
“Hey, we all got fooled, heck I didn’t suspect anything until after the bug bitch had already drained my balls” Anon said.
“Really? Nothing alarmed you until after you thought you slept with my fienceé?” Shining deadpanned.
“Well, she was unnaturally aggressive for Cadance. Honestly until she crammed my dick in her I thought she was planning to peg me. Thank god I was wrong” Anon chuckled.
“Peg, you?” Shining asked, confused at Anon’s term.
“Oh it’s short for pegging, it’s a sex thing don’t worry about it. Not a lot of people are into it. Not sure about you equines but I’ve never heard the term used here” Anon explained.
Sitting in silence for a couple minutes, both stallions got their drinks refilled before talking again.
“So how are the kids?” Shining asked.
“Good, Button is probably still on his games and Albus was on my back for most of the day. It’s a weird feeling you know, being a dad” Anon said.
“Why? Didn’t you want foals?” Shining asked.
“No that’s not it, I wanted to have kids ever since I was back home. But when I first got here I kinda gave up on it. I was the only human in a world of mini-horses it just didn’t look like it was in the cards. Then Twilight turned me into a thestral, then there was the Cake scare, then I met Cream. First I had no kids now I’ve got two and a step-son. It’s strange, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Even my hands” Anon explained.
Shining smiled, seeing this side of Anon shifted his opinion of the thestral.
“You know Anon, I was wrong about you” Shining admitted.
“In what way?” Anon asked.
“I thought I didn’t like you, that you were a loud, annoying jerk who thought everypony else’s life was a joke. But I was wrong” Shining explained.
“Well it’s understandable, first time we met I was nuts deep in your wife’s imposter” Anon said.
Snorting, Shining laughed harder than Anon had seen anyone else laugh.
“Oh man you can’t believe how angry I was with you! I was legit ready to kill you there and then!” He laughed.
Chuckling nervously Anon realised how close he came to death that day.
“Y-yeah, but that’s all in the past. Now let’s bond the way real stallions do, by pouring unsafe quantities of alcohol into out bodies!” Anon said raising his pitcher.
“That’s the first thing you’ve said since I met you that isn’t completly insane!” Shining said, continuing to laugh as he knocked his glass against Anon’s.
That night a friendship was born, and their livers died. For Anon and Shiny got absolutely hammered.
“Anon, time to wake up~” Cream said gently.
“Blegh! Where am I?” Anon groaned, lifting his head to see he was in fact home.
“You came home with Shining Armor around one in the morning, you were singing about someone named Popeye, then vomited on a portrait of Sombra that hadn’t been taken down and passed out” Cream explained.
“Ugh, I can’t imagine how bad Shining’s being hit by this” Anon groaned, rubbing his head.
Little did Anon know that there was a spell for hangovers. Shining was perfectly fine.
“So Shiny how does it feel?” Cadance asked.
Suspended in the air via several clothing pegs on a line hung up in their room. Shining Armour wore a mixed expression.
“I mean it pinches, but the swaying sensation is actually really pleasant” he said.
“I’m still not sure. How is this supposed to be a sex thing?” Cadance asked, still confused by the whole concept.
“No idea,” Shining answered.
“Wanna try it?” Shining asked.
“Well, sure why not” Cadance shrugged.
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I'm sure withholding sex is completely foreign concept to Candace. Why would she take away a good thing because of her husband?
11643279
She probably wouldn't, but Shiny doesn’t know that
If shining was the best at the time I hate to see the rest of the army. Considering holding the wedding at the same time you are expecting the capital to be invaded is not good. The fact that he doesn't know enough about magic beyond attack and defense spells especially defense doesn't speak highly of him. The fact is he should have been aware of the mines and the ways in and out plus mind control spells and the other species in Equestria who could be dangerous . The fact that he was unaware of the possibilities and thought his shield was enough doesn't say great things. Plus everyone hanging on to applejack excuse of an apology without speaking up themselves doesn't exactly say good things.
Well, that's what I call a ridiculous misunderstanding
11643308
As usual, you always go to the very heart of the matter. Let's be straight up about Shining Armor: he's dork, a cardboard cutout excuse of a stallion, only there to flesh out Twilight's character. As a brother he sucks, as a husband he sucks. But that is what he was there for, not to be shining example of stallionhood, but a simple weak male character, a means to make the female characters appear better. That's all.
Other stories have tried to remake Shining Armor into a more masculine character, or a sexual predator. I don't buy it, but any whom wish to remake Shining as they see fit, is their choice. He could be a better male character, but so could a lot of the male characters in MLP. (Yeah, I'm staring at you, Blueblood...)
11643397
Yeah if he had been any earth army he would have court-martial so fast his head would spin. There were so many mistakes that day that twilight was the only one not to look incompetent. Plus the guy would have been out one fiancee for not being able to tell the difference between me and imposter
11643402
... Why do I get the feeling he's going to hire eight Griffons and two magical constructs from opposite ends of a Box Canyon in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out?
(I'm going by the BGC members)
Great chapter
11643397
Considering the show only gave us 4 stallions that were ponies and not villains. Not a ton of choices. We have the smart guy too afraid to ask for help who ditched his best friend because he thought she be disappointed in him for failing. He never talked about going with her. It was cutie mark and off he went without even a goodbye. She might have disappointed for him but his cowardice hurt her and himself. Because he was too chicken to face failing her even though she never asked for this in the first place she feared losing anyone else. And he became a recluse with no friends. neighsay was a racist who could have started an International incident with his insults towards non ponies. blueblood appeared to be a stuck up jerk and shining amour well we know how badly he failed.
11643731
You are obviously referring to Sunburst, the wannabe "Harry Potter" of pony kind.
You also failed to mention Big Macintosh and his monosyllabic words.
Neighsay is just a typical bureaucrat caught in an over-the-top cartoon schoolboard. But yeah, he IS quite a racist. Just another roadblock for Twilight to overcome. And I do agree that his rude comments would have provoked a war with non-ponies, with Yaks being the most eager to wage war. Dragons don't need an excuse; they'd eagerly blast defenseless ponies for fun with their fire breath.
11643901
Oh yeah we saw him so little thar I forgot about big Mac.
11643901
Well the dragons were trying for a friendly path after spike almost became the dragon lord. So upsetting them just when begun friendly relations is a bad idea.
11643912
Remember this quote:
"Always be kind to Dragons. For YOU are crunchy, and go well with ketchup..."
And thus, a new sex position was born.
So Shiny how does it feel?” Cadance asked.
Suspended in the air via several clothing pegs on a line hung up in their room. Shining Armour wore a mixed expression.
“I mean it pinches, but the swaying sensation is actually really pleasant” he said.
“I’m still not sure. How is this supposed to be a sex thing?” Cadance asked, still confused by the whole concept.
“No idea,” Shining answered.
“Wanna try it?” Shining asked.
“Well, sure why not” Cadance shrugged.
So I have additional questions. I believe I may actually need a diagram or an image of what's going on here. Before anyone comments I do know what it's supposed to be alluding to but I am quite confused.
11656557
They misunderstood and thought he meant clothespins (or pegs). So Shining is strung up on a clothesline like a piece of cloth.
....well that's one way of doing suspension...
11643447
They will all be a bunch of Shisnos!
11674461
I think it's meant to be pegging.
They should ask Anon for clarification more often.
This story remind me of another here on Fimfiction, it started as comedy and than become serious.
Definitely a favorite story of mine, this one and the other.