• Published 8th May 2023
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Adventures of thestral Anon - ImNew2023

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Anon finds out about property tax

To Anon

Sorry to drop you in it like this but I’ve got to skip town for a few days with the twins. I adore Cup but every time she gets pregnant she…

Changes.

When she was pregnant with the twins she demanded we do it every night up until they were born. That may sound like paradise but she became more aggressive each night. In time she began to scare me.

While she was giving birth I was in the ward one room over having phallic reconstruction surgery. The doctors told me if I went through something like that again I’d effectively become a mare.

You can’t imagine how guilty I feel leaving Cup pregnant like this. But I know you’re a good stallion, take care of her.

Also now that Pumpkin and Pound are out the house she’ll need something to fill her time with.

Good luck.

Carrot Cake.

“I don’t know if I should be angry with him or thankful or both,” Anon thought to himself.

“Oh Anon~” Mrs Cake called from upstairs. Tucking away the note in his saddle bag Anon headed upstairs to the Cake’s room.

“Are you going to clean all night or is my big handsome stud going to give me some attention?~” she asked batting her eyelids slowly “you really don’t slow down do you?” Anon chuckled as he hopped onto the bed.

Nuzzling his potential baby-mama Anon pulled her closer with his front leg “so? What do you want me to do to you tonight?” Anon asked nibbling her ear lightly “everything~” Cup Cake moaned out.

Moving on top of her Anon couldn’t help but lick his lips at the sight of the older mare below him “fuck you’re beautiful Cup”

Letting out a giggle, Cup lightly booped Anon’s nose “oh sweetie” she said sincerely.

Distracted by her words Anon was taken by surprise as Cup used her hind legs to squeeze down on his waist, flipping the two of them over and putting her on top.

“That’s enough cuddle talk for tonight, let’s see if we can make the bed legs give out~” Cup said, licking her lips with a predatory look in her eyes. It was at that moment Anon realised. Carrot was right.

“God, it’s me again. I’m ready to go now” Anon thought to himself.

The next day was particularly cloudy allowing Anon to slink his way back home to recover. Having not only survived Cup’s dark half coming out but realising why Carrot had done a runner.

Sat in the admittedly cramp shower Anon let the water run over his lipstick stained fur.

“Damn it!” Anon called out in frustration “I’m out of shampoo again!” He groaned discarding the empty bottle “why does shampoo come in such small bottles on this planet? 90% of the population have their whole body covered in fur for fuck sake!”

Turning off the water Anon went to exit the shower. Unfortunately he then slips on the discarded shampoo bottle that had fallen right under him. Before he could react Anon found himself flipped over with his head wacking against the ceramic floor of his shower and his hind legs in the air.

Trying isn’t at first to slide the shower door open Anon dismayed at his hoof being unable to reach the handle.

“Pinkie” he called out “PINKIE!” He called out again only this time louder “damn it Pinks the one time you aren’t hiding in my walls is the one where I need you” Anon grubbed as he laid there, a bump on his head forming.

“Having trouble Batty?” A smug sounding voice called out. Through the bathroom window Rainbow Dash’s head popped through.

While scrambling to cover his fully exposed wet stallionhood Anon was victim to the element of loyalty’s mocking laugh.

“Dude, my closet is bigger than that shower what the buck!?” She wheezed while flying her way into the bathroom.

His face a mixture of embarrassment and annoyance Anon continued to try and wiggle his way to freedom. Trotting up Dash carelessly flew the shower door open “Dash wait!” Anon protested before helplessly falling onto the mare.

With all the sudden movement shaking his head Anon needed a second before he regained his vision.

“Ugh, fuck it Dash I told you to wai-“ Anon began to say before realising the position he had founded himself in. Having been upside down when he fell, Anon managed to perfectly land on Dash’s back. From a third person perspective it looked as if he had mounted her.

“Rainbow,” Anon said bluntly.

“Yeah?” She asked slightly sheepishly.

“We never speak of this again” Anon stated.

“Agreed” she responded.

Exiting that awkward position and the bathroom both flyers went down to the living room for a drink.

“So…” Rainbow said, trying to break the ice “why is your shower so small?” She asked curiously “well when I built this place I was a third my current length” Anon explained “oh right, forgot you used to be a shaved ape” Rainbow half mocked “human, and yeah it’s been challenging to adapt” Anon responded taking a big swig of his apple cider.

“Have you considered having an extension or something? Give yourself a little more room” Rainbow suggested.

“Well… I did get my last royalty check for my books last week. Sure, why not? I’ll probably need more room when the foal arrives anyways” Anon said as his mind turned to his imminent potential fatherhood.

“Awsome, hey I know some colts in construction that live in my neighbourhood. I’ll bring them around later and we can see what you’re working with” Dash said getting off her chair “wait… Dash, you live in a cloud” Anon pointed out cautiously “hey!” She said getting offended “my house is awesome! Besides they mostly do work down here on the ground” Rainbow explained before jetting off towards the clouds.

True to her nature Dash was back before Anon had a chance to finish his drink.

With her was a grey pegasus stallion with a trio of bricks for a cutie mark. Wobbling lightly the stallion managed to shake his head straight “buck it Rainbow I asked you not to swipe me out my workplace like that I’ve got paperwork to sort” he scolded the blue mare. Rainbow just scoffed at him “oh come on Air Blaze that nerd stuff can wait, I’ve got you a new job. Air this is Anon, Anon this is Air” she said introducing the two.

“Good to meet you” Air Blaze greeted “likewise, and sorry about her, this is mostly my fault” Anon said apologising on Dash’s behalf.

Air rolled his eyes before letting out a chuckle “mares am I right?” He snorted. Debating whether he should join in or not Anon’s mind was made up for him as he watched Dash use her hind legs to buck Air across the room, the stallion slamming into the wall hard enough to crack the wood.

“Hey! This is my house dude!” Anon snapped “he started it” Rainbow said in an immature tone “I don’t care who started it I’m finishing it” Anon chided like a parent disappointing their child.

Getting him back on his feet Anon stood opposite Air Blaze “so, how can I help you?” Air asked “well I’ve recently found my home a little… small, so I was wondering what it would take for you to make it a little bigger” Anon explained.

Air Blaze didn’t say another word. He simply went through the house with detective levels of examination. About an hour passed before Air stopped, facing Anon with a face that shared a mix of sheer contempt and endless pity.

“This is the worst built thing I’ve ever seen,” he explained.

“Hey, I tried my best” Anon said his voice slightly whiny from that stinging comment “you probably did but this building does not meet with any building regulations at all, did you even look at the state construction regulation and zoning law manual you got when you asked Mayor Mare to let you build this place?” Air explained.

Anon stared blankly at the pegasus for a moment. It was as if Air had said something incredibly smart or impossibly stupid in Anon’s eyes “define ‘asked to build this place’” Anon asked. Watching Air’s pupils shrink to pin pricks Anon got the sudden thought that he may have done something wrong.

“Anon. Please tell me you didn’t just start building all willy nilly” Air asked hoping the answer would be no “I mean no one told me I couldn’t” Anon excused himself.

Dash’s expression took a turn for the worst “Anon, you know if the mayor finds out about it this and she thinks your house is a hazard then she will have it torn down” she explained “wait what!? She can’t do that! I’m an endangered species!” Anon protested “wait what? Thestrals aren’t endangered, there's like a million of you guys across Equestria” Air explained, confused about Anon’s claim.

“Anon used to be a shaved monkey called a human, Twilight turned him into a thestral trying to send him back to his home world” Dash explained, making the stallion even more confused “but he’s got a point Anon, you’re technically a pony so there’s no special treatment for you” she added.

“This. Is. Bullshit!” Anon protested “calm down buddy, if we can get this place up to scratch before anypony notices then you’ll be fine” Air explained pulling out a rather thick book “just read through this and we’ll see what you’ve done right and what you’ve done wrong.

The book was filled with zoning laws and housing regulations. He couldn’t believe it, it appeared as if there were thousands of them. But through the power of skimming over he managed to narrow down 5 main ones he should be worried about.

  1. New buildings must not be constructed in the habitat of endangered animals.
  2. New homes must not include materials that are toxic or overly hazardous to pony life.
  3. It must not encroach on another pony’s property or block easy access to another pony’s home.
  4. It must be surveyed and approved by a licensed inspector.
  5. All none indigenous families buying homes in the greater Ponyville area must pay an annual property tax of 12.5% of the home’s worth for property valued under 100,000 bits and 25% for those valued over 250,000 bits.

A look of pure rage appeared on Anon’s face. His eyes turned from their mint green hue to a blood red. Anon’s cottage met none of these regulations. But that’s not what brought upon this aura of pure hate.

Even Rainbow Dash, usually regarded by all as the bravest being on the planet, took a step back at the sight of Anon’s boiling rage “uh, Anon? You ok there bud?” She asked almost sheepishly.

“Fucking TAXEEEEEEEES!” Anon roared, the volume created enough to shake the earth around them. The earthquake caused large segments of the shoddily built structure to collapse around them.

Grabbing Air Blaze, Dash zoomed out of the crumbling building. Turning back she watched as the remains of Anon’s cottage, she saw the only thing left standing in the rubble. Anon himself.

Unphased by the building almost crushing him, Anon stormed away from the wreckage.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Dash groaned.

Gathering her friends the mane 6 rush to the mayor’s office. Despite their worst fears Mayor Mare was completely unharmed. Although she appeared to have developed a migraine for Anon’s Karen tier bitching.

“Your taxes are bullshit!” Anon stated “they have their purpose” Mayor Mare argued “the cities are starting to swell in population. Eventually they’ll start spilling out into rural areas. Property taxes designed for ponies moving into Ponyville disincentivizes them from doing so, therefore protecting the native population from being priced out of their own neighbourhoods” Mayor Mare explained.

“Also last I checked your books are all kingdom wide hits. It’s not like you can’t afford it” she added “That’s not the point!” Anon stated “Anon stop your bellyaching, you sound like a greedy noble hoarding his bits” Applejack scolded “it’s not about the money Apples, it’s the printable. I may be a horse in body, but my heart and soul are that of a proud American! My ancestors fought a war so they wouldn’t have to pay taxes!” Anon explained with bravado.

“Anon darling you said your ancestors were British, whatever that means” Rarity pointed out.

“I had relatives on both sides of the war. It was really complicated” Anon said “but I was born in the great state of Florida. And if I willingly pay any tax other than income then my father crashing his car into a deer trying to get my mid-birth mother to the Georgia border will have been for nothing!” he stated, his patriotic might shining through.

As everypony tried desperately to process Anon’s insanity, Twilight was the first to shake her head straight “Anon you need to pay taxes, it’s not an option you can argue over. I started paying them when I moved here and you don’t see me complaining” she explained “bullshit your sugar mama Celestia pays for everything” Anon accused making Twilight’s face turn red “s-she- Princess Celestia is not my sugar mama! I run a library, I make my own bits the same as everypony else. And I’m not attracted to mares” she said, defending herself." Your 20+ novels worth of yuri fanfic you’ve hid under your bed begs a differ” Anon said.

“Enough!” Mayor Mare yelled slamming her hoofs on the desk “Anon I know you didn’t move to Ponyville willingly. But I cannot make exceptions, if I bend the law for one civilian then there’s no point expecting everypony else to obey them. So please, just pay your taxes. I know it’s against your… I’ll call them customs to be polite, but have we not already put up with enough of your antics to accommodate your beliefs that you can let this one slide” Mayor Mare pleaded.

Anon went deep into thought for a few moments, going over Mayor Mare’s words in his mind.

“That… does seem fair and reasonable,” Anon admitted.

The room was filled with sighs of relief. The mane six were happy that the mayor had gotten through to their friend from another world.

“Thank you Ano-“ Mayor Mare began before the stallion's hoof booped her nose mid sentence “you didn’t let my finish” Anon explained “apologies'' Mayor Mare said, her voice a little squeaky due to her nose still being thoroughly booped “I was about to say, that seems fair and reasonable, which is my I will never agree to it!” Anon said before swiping his hoof away from Mayor Mare’s snoot and down to her desk onto its side.

“Anon!” Twilight called out in anger as she readied her magic to restrain the thestral “democracy is non-negotiable!” Anon called out.

After several hours of arguments and profanity Anon was forced from the Mayor’s office. Not by physically throwing him out but due to the Sun having made its way past the clouds and began to burn our friend into a crisp.

With his home under reconstruction Anon was pressed into lodging with Pinkie in the Cake’s attic. He went missing for several weeks until he was found chained to Cup Cake’s bed with a temporary tattoo on his stallionhood reading “property of Cup Cake and Pinkie Pie”

Mayor Mare, having taken pity on him, considered it his community service for flipping her desk.

He eventually got a zoning law friendly house built more comfortable for his equine body.


AN: I always meant for these to be fun shorts but now I’m thinking of making another fic of all the M scenes I left out.

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