The Anon Before Christmas
AN: This is non canon to the rest of the story, hence why Anon got turned back into a dude with no explanation.
‘Twas the night before Hearths Warming, all through Equestria, not a creature was stirring, especially Celestia. For she had gotten hammered.
All of the colts and the fillies laid asleep in their be-
BOOOM!
RAT TAT TAT TAT TAT!
Never mind.
The town of Ponyville was awakened by thunderous noise.
As the Main 6 gathered, each groggy and tired, they saw what the cause was.
Out in the Everfree, fire and light shot into the skies from the Crystal Empire.
“Of course it’s Anon” Twilight said in a monotone voice.
Getting properly woken up by the power of Pinkie’s Super Secret Special Coffee (regular coffee with ten sugar cubes and four shots of espresso) the girls headed to the Crystal Palace to see what was going on.
Meeting no resistance, they reached the top of the tower, finding Anon in the Crystal Heart’s chamber with several crystal army officials.
“My lord we haven’t hit anything” one of them stated as they looked over the map.
“Curses, deploy the sky mines. He will not escape me this time! Oh hey girls what are you doing up?” Anon ordered before noticing the girls were there.
“Anon, what in tarnations are you doing?” Applejack asked, resisting the urge to choke Anon.
“War” Anon described.
“Against who?” Twilight asked.
“Santa Claus” Anon explained.
The girls looked to themselves before looking back to Anon.
“Anon, are you meaning to tell us that you’ve woken up all of Ponyville fighting a pagan god from your world?” Applejack asked.
“No, Santa isn’t a pagan god, he’s the Christian saint of children and brewers. I’ve been at war with him for years but the bastard keeps giving me the slip” Anon corrected.
“Anon, you realise that this ‘Santa’ doesn't exist in our world right?” Fluttershy meekly asked.
“I thought that as well, but I always find these on Hearth's Warming and it’s always addressed from Saint Nicholas'' Anon said, showing the girls some striped socks.
“My, Darling, those are some nice socks” Rarity complimented.
“I know, it’s what I always asked for when I was a kid and Santa always brought them. Every year it’s the same, he’s just mocking me at this point” Anon explained.
“Who the buck asks for socks as a present?” Rainbow asked.
“The same guy who can never find any no matter how many he buys” Anon explained.
“So you’re just going to keep shooting at the sky until you shoot down a human who’s probably not even there?” Twilight asked.
“Yes, you have described my plan with absolute accuracy” Anon said.
Before the girls could explain to Anon how utterly moronic that plan was, one of the crystal guards charged up to them.
“My Lord, one of the sky mines has gone off. We have reports of a large red object going down over the Everfree.
“Ha! I’ve got him! This year I’ve finally got him!” Anon cackled with joy before flying out of the palace, the girls pursuing him on hoof.
Making their way through the forest, the girls spotted a bright red light.
Running towards it, they spotted a figure moving about.
At first they thought it was some kind of deer. But as they got closer, they saw a reindeer with a… glowing nose?
“Ooh, shiny” Pinkie said in amazement.
Snapping its head towards them, the reindeer glared at them, getting into a defensive stance.
“Don’t be scared, we’re just looking for our friend” Twilight said.
“Your nose is shiny” Pinkie said, meaning it as a compliment.
“Pinkie, that's rude” Rarity whispered.
Letting its guard down slightly, the reindeer now appeared to be a cow (female reindeer)
“It’s alright, I’ve heard worse” she said.
“What are you doing out here all alone?” Twilight asked.
“We were pulling the sleigh when we hit something, now I’m just trying to find everydeer else” she explained.
“Well we’re looking for our friend. I’m Twilight, this is Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Applejack” Twilight introduced them.
“My name's Rudolph” the reindeer introduced herself.
“Isn’t that a boy’s name?” Rainbow asked.
“Isn’t that a boy’s personality?” Rudolph shot back.
With their new friend, the Mane 6 continued searching until they saw an overturned sleigh with a large hole in it and eight reindeer gathered around a green thestral.
“Come on then, I’ll take you all on! The fat man will not escape me this time!” Anon snarled as they tried to stop him from running away.
“Anon!” Twilight called out before lifting Anon into the air with her magic.
“Damn it Twiggles put me down! Santa’s getting away!” Anon demanded.
“What do you want with Santa?” Rudolph asked.
“Who the hell are you!?” Anon asked as he saw the ninth reindeer join the group around him.
“I’m Rudolph” she introduced herself.
“Rudolph is a chick!? Who’s writing this Christmas special? Kathleen Kennedy!?” Anon asked.
“Wait, Santa is real?” Rainbow asked.
“Duh” Rudolph stated.
“Duh indeed my red nosed friend” a new, deep voice agreed.
Stepping out from the other side of the sleigh, a tall, round, jolly looking human man with red clothes and a white beard stepped between the two groups.
“So, we meet again, Santa. You won’t escape me this time!” Anon called out as he flailed about in Twilight’s magical grasp.
“Anon that’s enough! I’m so sorry for our friend’s actions Mr… Claus” Twilight explained.
“We’re still getting presents right?” Pinkie whispered to Applejack.
Chuckling, Santa gave the girls a warm smile.
“Yes Pinkie, you’re still getting presents” he confirmed.
“Yay!” Pinkie cried out in joy.
“And I’m afraid Anon is right to be so angry with me” Santa explained.
Now confused more than ever.
Which is becoming a regular occurrence when Anon is involved.
“But all of this is over socks ain’t it?” Applejack asked.
“Oh I’m afraid this is about more than socks Applejack” Santa explained.
“How do ya know my name?” Applejack asked “how do ya know any of our names”
“Keep up AJ, he’s Santa, he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” Anon began.
“I know if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake” Santa sang happily.
Pulling a piece of paper from his pocket, Santa began reading.
Dear Santa Claus
I don’t know if you’ll even see this, but even if there’s a one in a billion chance you do it’s worth it.
“Anon that isn’t how math works” Twilight pointed out.
“And owning more books than everyone else in town isn’t how getting laid works” Anon pointed out.
Normally I’d ask for some socks and maybe a game or two.
But this year I’m not interested in any of that.
As strange as it sounds I’ve been sent to a world populated by magical horses. This means I’m facing a Christmas without my family.
I know Celly and Twiggles are trying their best to get home, but with the date I recognise as Christmas Day fast approaching, I’m not sure I can wait any longer.
So I don’t want any presents this year, all I want is to go home and be with my family again.
Sincerely Anonymous.
PS: Sorry I didn’t leave you milk this year, Pinkie told the milk in town came from Mrs Cake’s fat pregnancy tits so I’ve just been eating an unhealthy amount of oranges per day.
Don’t worry I’ve left a big bottle of whiskey for you instead.
Spitting out the convenient glass of milk she had on her, Rainbow Dash looked at Pinkie in disgust before looking back to her white beverage.
Then proceeded to keep drinking.
“He sent that letter to me a week before Hearth's Warming Eve” Santa explained.
“And what did I wake up to?” Anon asked.
“Lincoln Logs” Anon said, anger still filling his voice.
“You can make a bunch of neat stuff with Lincoln Logs but my family isn’t one of them” Anon continued.
It was at this point the girls realised what this whole thing was about.
Now visibly saddened, with Fluttershy on the brink of tears, Twilight lowered Anon down.
Taking a knee in order to get eye level with the feral Floridaman.
“Anon, I’m sorry for breaking your festive spirit. Now I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately I can’t send you home for Christmas, you see. I’m not the Santa of your world” Santa explained, causing everyone to become even more confused about what was going on.
“You’re not the what?” Anon asked.
“Santa exists in every universe, anywhere where holiday cheer exists I do too” Santa explained.
Realising what a total jackass he’s been, Anon lowered his head in shame.
“I… I understand. I’m sorry I’ve shot at you so many times over the last three years” Anon apologised.
With a merry chuckle, Santa patted the stallion on the head.
“It’s alright Anon, I know what it’s like being away from family during the holidays, I do it every year. But while I can’t send you home, I do have a gift from your world” Santa said pulling out a piece of paper.
Dear Santa,
I know I haven’t been awesome this year, but I’ve got only one wish.
A few months ago my brother disappeared, my parents are still really sad about it. I am as well.
I know he’s not dead, if shooting at a hurricane with a catapult full of diamondback rattlesnakes didn’t kill him nothing will.
But if you can’t bring him home, at least make sure wherever he is, he knows his family loves him with all our hearts.
Love, Anonette.
Reading the letter over himself, Anon had to fight back tears as a wobbly smile spread across his face.
“Thank you” he thanked, looking up at the obese saint.
“You're very welcome Anon, but next time you decide to take a shot at me you better not miss” Santa warned.
With a snap of Santa’s fingers the sleigh was repaired.
“You have magic?” Twilight asked.
“I’m Santa, accept it my dear,” Santa said.
Riding off into the night sky, Santa called out.
“Ho Ho Ho! Merry Hearth’s Warming to all, and to all a good night!”
And thus, despite the disrupted sleep, Ponyville had the best Hearth's warming they had ever seen.
With his holiday spirit reinvigorated, Anon used his vast personal fortune to spread gifts to all the ponies of the Empire and Equestria.
And thanks to Santa all the ponies in the land got double their presents as a result.
Applejack got a specialised Apple picking machine.
Rainbow Dash got a Wonderbolts plushie.
Fluttershy got a year’s supply of animal feed.
Pinkie got a party mortar. Which blew a hole in the side of Sugarcube Corner.
Rarity got a mirror that always shows her good side.
And thanks to the acts of Cream Heart, not only did Twilight get a revolving bookshelf. She got eaten by the Cream sisters like a Chinese takeout then the Anons ran a train over her.
And all had a very Merry Christmas.
Hearth’s Warming.
Pinkie get out of my phone.
As for old Anon, he got a lump of coal for shooting down Santa. But he did get some socks from Cream so all is well.
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Man he had to rub it in there, well Twilight might go wild at this point when Anon turn back to stallion.
I need Anon to tell this story to the girls in the form of a flashback. I need the details.
When be the foals first hearth's warming that actually be canon and how Anon get his phone here.
11780476
I need to sort the Child Support Chapter out so foal’s first Christmas might not be until after the 25th and I don’t remember saying anything about a phone
Make him a chick and make her ggaiey and lame!! lol
He’s also the patron saint of punching hypocrites in the mouth… in public places.
lol Santa: “Aw, if I had a bit for every time somepony tried to shoot me down, ho ho ho~! Well, I’d only have a few bits... Only three, actually...” lol
Haha. I thought the same when I first heard Ranbow talk!
The comment about Twilight and her books was golden!
Also:
Should be: accept. Also needs a comma at the end of the quote.
Happy Hearth's Warming, everypony!
11780499
A wonderful drama holiday story. Nice!
You can tell it's not Canon because twilight got laid.
(Aside from the obvious first sentence that it's not cannon anyway)
OMG that is funny! As random/Fal man as this story is, I laughed way too hard at that line
11780590
Ah I see, I mean my phone not Anon’s
I thought it would be funny
11780787
Oh ok
👏 👏👏👏👏
Beautiful
I hope everyone who sees this has a very merry Christmas
(Not sure if if that’s started where you are, I’m in NZ so I don’t know)
The first thing that came to my mind when Anon said the he's going to war against Santa, was this video: https://youtu.be/PzDfXQhbKHE?si=xUjdTE8xGjCDziqn
Rudolph instant upgrade to B-tier on the f-list! ... Uh, er, we mean, cute! Anon hasn't gotten rgre ruled yet! 🙃
11792661
Both
This chapter may not be canon, but I’m sure at least Anonette is, and we could see her in the future
PS: We will not, it will be one of the things that the author forgot, like many authors forget things of their works
They have to undo the birth control erasing, seriously.
11851479
Anon owes a lot for foal support
11872643
I don't question Pinkie Pie, I'm not insane enough for that.
I question Anons durability...
11872718
Oh that.
The Equestrian Health Service
11872901
For recovery I agree but how to make them pinkie proof others?
11851434
No he ain’t.
He’s just the mother who stepped-up
I wonder/beg that we atleast see one of these five things before stories end
1. Anon getting another hot tub
2. Anon (possibly?) doing the vertical tango with the twigs and cream
3. Anons kids in tree school
4. Anon adopting another child (cozy)
5. Anon dying and coming back to life as a god to complete his transformation of becoming "That Guy."🙏
11876544
- 
- 
👍
The legendary mother from another lover. Yep.
Anon logic