• Published 28th Sep 2012
  • 1,253 Views, 46 Comments

Screw the World - CrimsonEquine

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Whats the point?

Scootaloo woke up in the dingy ground of the Everfree forest where she slept as always with no parents to comfort her existence. She had all of her belonging's around her from her scooter to her makeshift bed to her little calendar that she scrounged from some old garbage can. Scootaloo remembered her situation and felt a familiar dread of her life.

Another day

She felt the ill depression consume her very soul which really debilitated her mind. Scootaloo went to a stream to bask in the morning water that chilled her core but, at the same time refreshed her. After the wet morning wake-up, she got her scooter and ate some grass from the ground. She stared at the sun for a moment and pissed at the ground as if she was an animal. Scootaloo got a watch that was in the ground around her little hub area and saw the time.

Time for School

She put a hoof on the handle of the scooter and fanned her wings to make the scooter go fast as usual. Normally that would thrill her but, the hundredth time or more she has done this made it old. She felt the wind of the air through her face and she thought of doing tricks with her scooter but, this time she just didn't have it in her. She rode past Sugar Cube Corner all the way to the school where she stopped in the playground. Then she met up with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle before the bell rang.

"Hey Scootaloo how ya doin?" said Applebloom as she arrived at the school.

"Eh I'm okay..."said Scootaloo looking downtrodden.

"Whats wrong? are you okay?" said Sweetie Belle worried about her friend.

"Oh nothing I am just sad for stuff I don't wanna talk about..." said Scootaloo while she faced away from her friends.

"Psst.. yolo! you only live once!" said Applebloom.

"What did you say!?" said Scootaloo at the remark.

"Umm... yolo?" said Applebloom again.

"Eargh! I freaking hate that word never say it again!" said Scootaloo with disgust.

"You mean... yolo?" said Sweetie Belle with a smirk.

"Ah! stop it!" said Scootaloo with her hoofs covering her ears.

They continued to fire the word "yolo" at her direction making Scootaloo even more bothered. They made there attack of "yolo" until the bell ringed. They then walked into the class.

"I can not believe you hate that word thats so non-yolo!" said Sweetie Belle.

"Girls please its not funny its just so overused." said Scootaloo.

"Come on how can you hate yolo its just so ya know awesome." said Applebloom.

"It is not awesome! It is an overused word and I hate it." said Scootaloo as the three entered to their desks.

The Cutie Mark Crusader's looked at the front of the class and did not even notice when they entered that there was a substitute teacher today. He was a Zebra who had army clothes on and he was waiting for the class to settle down, when they did finally settle down, then he spoke.

"Hello suckas! I am your substitute teacha Mr. Periwinkle! today we are going to learn about how babies are made! said the zebra.

Mr. Periwinkle then pulled out a picture of a Stallion and Mare's genitalia.

"This is what mares have!" said Mr. Periwinkle as he pointed to the Mare's genitalia.

"And this is what guy's have!" said Mr. Periwinkle as he showed it to the class.

"Pass the paper towards the whole class!" said Mr. Periwinkle as he handed the paper of the genitalia to Snails.

The paper then got passed towards the whole class with mixed reactions throughout.

"Any questions suckas!?" said Mr. Periwinkle.

No one dared ask anymore questions or make a sound.

"Good! Now normally we would participate in an educational video of how babies and sexual orientation is like but I do not feel like showing complete bull crap so we are going to show the actual REAL way babies are made!" said Mr. Periwinkle as he got out the t.v. from the closet and then put a video into the casket.

"Watch closely cuz this is how your momma and daddy made you!" said Mr. Periwinkle.

Bow chika chika wow wow wow Bow chika chika wow wow wow

The Stallion was naked in a hotel room and saw the pizza mare come over from the door, with instant joy he opened the door.

"Did someone order bacon?" said the Pizza Mare with a pizza box in her hand.

"Oh I don't know how I can pay you except.... with this" said the Stallion as he pulled his dick out.

"Oh my Celestia!" said Scootaloo in terror.

"Shut the hell up sucka and enjoy how your momma and daddy made you!" said Mr. Periwinkle.

------------------------

Ring, Ring, Ring!

"Alright class that is it for today but, remember that's how you make a baby!" said Mr. Periwinkle as he put the television back to the closet.

The class had a mixed reaction of devastation upon their cute little heads. Some found feelings they did not know what to do with. Some got a raging boner from the video that they had watched and had no idea what to do. But the most affected was Scootaloo, the porn video devastated her already depressed and fragile mind for now all she could think about was that stallion's dick.

"Oh god I can not get that image out of my head!" said Scootaloo as she walked and exited the school with the rest of the C.M.C.

"What part can't you get out? the one where she gets plowed by the Stallion or the part where they make the horrible pizza puns?" said Sweetie Belle with a disgusted visage.

"I know lets go get brain bleach!" said Applebloom.

"Applebloom that doesn't exist!" said Scootaloo.

"Oh... right..." said Applebloom.

"Well we can go look for our cutie marks now." said Applebloom.

"Nah I'm... going home.." said Scootaloo.

"Why? What are you going to do?" questioned Sweetie Belle.

"I have to go and see my parents!" cried Scootaloo as she ran away.

"What is going on with her?" said Sweetie Belle in regard to all she has seen.

"I don't know but I think we should invade her privacy and see what she is doing" said Applebloom.

"That's a great idea Applebloom I bet your going to get a genius cutie mark!" said Sweetie Belle.

"Aw shucks Sweetie Belle... Well lets go and follow her!" said Applebloom.

The two fillies followed Scootaloo taking cover behind trees and rocks until she went and got near a bush. Scootaloo then pulled out her scooter and started to ride away.

"So that is where she puts the scooter." said Applebloom in surprise.

"Sshh!" said Sweetie Belle to Applebloom.

The two followed her to the the Everfree forest and were surprised at where she lived. It seemed she was living in a nest of some type with a ribble-rabble of different items she must've collected over time. Then they watched Scootaloo crying to herself as she went deeper into the Everfree forest.

"Come on Sweetie Belle." said Applebloom as she pulled her friend with her.

They continued to follow Scootaloo until it got dark and they became lost in the treacherous forest of the Everfree.

"Where are we? Oh Celestia we are lost!" said Applebloom.

"Wait look there is Scootaloo" said Sweetie Belle as she spotted Scootaloo near a cave.

Scootaloo stood outside the cave waiting for someone, the two girls watched as out of the cave came a figure that had a black suit and had white skin and black tendrils extending from its back. They watched in horror that the figure before them was none other than Slendermane.

"Mr. Slendermane can you please kill me?" begged Scootaloo.

"Oh no" whispered Sweetie Belle towards Applebloom.

"We gotta do something" whispered Applebloom.

Then they watched as Slendermane and Scootaloo both walked into the darkness of the cave. Sweetie Belle and Applebloom got out of hiding and went near the cave and saw the vast darkness inside.

"What... What do we do?" said Sweetie Belle.

"We got to go in and fetch her." said Applebloom.

"Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how dark it is in there? We could get lost in there with Slendermane..." retorked Sweetie Belle.

"We have no choice, we have to save Scootaloo before something happens to her." said Applebloom.

"I have a bad feeling about this Applebloom." said Sweetie Belle as both fillies went inside the cave.

End of part 1

Comments ( 46 )

Suicide doesn't simply begin. It either happens or it desn't.

1355166 Screw that. If I'm gonna suicide, it'll be Rube Goldberg style
imageshack.us/a/img856/5593/pageturningrubegoldberg.jpg

go fuck yourself:pinkiehappy:

1355297 WTF? go fuck myself what?

im sorry but that was auful:twilightoops:

What the hell? This was terrible, and I MEAN TERRIBLE!
Okay, what should we start with: Slendermane, YOLO, or the dialog?
SLENDERMANE:They may have this, but I doubt it...
YOLO: God, no. Just...No. No one here on Earth likes it, and I'm pretty sure Equestria doesn't have memes.
THE DIALOG: Horrible, just...absolutely horrible. It was stiff and wooden, like the whole thing was written when you were either drunk off your ass, high as buck, half-asleep (fully asleep), or all three. I feel that you should try to work on your dialog writing skills, because I'm not going to be the only one telling you this.

it was really rushed i would focus the story more like this ; scootaloo tries to commit suicide the cmc catch her and try to help her and in the middle of that process somthing bad happens again which drives scoot back to square 1 also you never really explained what made scoots suicidal sorry about cussing you off like that my bad

well it was cool in the beginning, but then. what :rainbowhuh:

damn wow uh sorry I wrote this then...

1355334 How do I get better at dialogue skills?

"sigh" here comes the TWE just perfect...

1355429 What what does that have to do with anything?

1355444 Um, you know, during the porno...

Okay, ACTUALLY putting this under the hammer this time.

Where's my hat?



First thing's first. This story feels very.. rushed. Events pass to quickly. You need to flesh out your ideas a bit and give them more structure than they have.
I.E.: After everypony's seen the 'video.' You didn't quite describe how horrified everypony really was, and everypony moved on too quickly. Again, this is very rushed.

There is a lot of emotional floundering. Emotions seem to fly this way and that, being skewed about and thrown out windows faster than I can register them. I suggest entailing more of the actual feelings of the ponies rather than having them move on so quickly.

Relatively short. Overused memes and social terms. The characters seem underdeveloped.

I could go off on ALL of that, but I would only get angry, and I'm trying not to do that right now.

Just get some proofreaders and you should be fine.

/HyperRandomness, Official lazy TWE moron.

dude seriosly take in to account that we (or at least me) are trying to help why dont you try my idea

1355462 Ooooh I see what you did there lol!

1355485 ill proof read!:pinkiehappy: PLEASE:fluttershysad:

1355485 Now for the real critique:

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

This story had a promising premise, but then... wha? The story just exploded in the middle.

But I lol'd during the Sex Ed scene, so I liked this story.

1355505 no bad! this story has potential! just slow down! and try my freaking plan

accually ill just give advice :twilightblush:

1355166 I see you're as intelligent and kind as ever, Luce.

1355527 Why what? you can pre-read go ahead!

1355574 noo im really bad and I have ideas for your story!:moustache:

Huh.

Well, I liked the opening. I thought you did a good job of establishing Scoot's character, though I think it could use a bit of explanation as to how she got so depressed in the first place. She seems all right in the show.

Then her friends show up, and wow, are they obnoxious. Intentionally, I mean. I know they can annoy Scoots in the show, but that's just their personalities clashing, it's never intentional.

And then class... where did this even come from? The teacher was annoying, and the video didn't seem to have any relation to the story other than SHOCK VALUE for its own sake, which is also annoying. Also, ponies don't usually wear clothes. The fact that the stallion was naked is in no way shocking at all.

The pursuit was a little better, if a bit rushed. I don't see why you had to bring Slender into this at all. Having Scoots do it by her own means would be a lot more compelling than a ponyfied creepypasta.

Overall, it's a promising concept that gets sidetracked by annoying tangents. Hope this helps.

~Scribblestick, TWE reviewer

lol I like this is sad!

Fuck twe!

This looks so sad,yet I can relate to this so much

1355912 Originally the tag was going to be sad and comedy but then the moderator felt that was not going to work for some reason...

1356208 That's because 'sad' and 'comedy' are opposites. You tag the one(s) that most apply, not every one that's tangentially related. Is the overall tone of your story sad or funny? That's the one you should go with.

1356226 So thats why its a bit off but... Its not terrible is it?

1356234 Well, like I said, I think it's a good concept - Scootaloo wanting to end the life she sees as miserable. I just think you need to focus your writing a bit more and ask yourself why everything is happening. You might be able to make the sex ed scene fit (though I think the porno is going too far no matter what) if it somehow contributes to the story - maybe Scoots feeling more depressed about her lack of parents? I dunno, however you want to play it off, so long as it adds something to the sadness.

At any rate, trying to cram comedy and sadness into one story will be difficult. That's not to say you can't have comedic moments, but if it detracts from the overall sad tone, the reader's going to get confused. Or if you want a funny story, too much sadness will do the same.

1356261 I guess your right, lol me trying to experiment! hey you sound like you know what you are doing. Why don't you pre-read my next story? Ill give you the link and everything!

1356274 PM me, and I'll try and take a look at it over the weekend.

i lol'd once or twice...

i just like these types of stories... keep going.

1358153 sorry bro but with this many dislikes I am inclined to not continue sorry.

1359125 shame, that.:ajsleepy: maybe i will make one...

Well this isn't as god wrenching horrible as the comments made it out to be. I'd give this a five out of 10. Good idea, great potential, but I don't think this is really your genre. You can't mix raunchy humor with serious dark drama. I think you could pull off a nice raunchy comedy, though I'm not sure how familiar you are with it though. I think you need to keep writing and come back to this at another time.

-Ninjaman3250

Umm... I laughed during this story

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