- Member Since 14th Nov, 2016
- offline last seen 48 minutes ago
Botched Lobotomy
Imprisoned (without charges) by the Paw Patrol
Botched Lobotomy
Joined 14th Nov, 2016 ·
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They will meet again, right?
11546564
Going to be real with you chief.
They probably will not.
11546576
This is your official review for the Furry Foray Festival Contest!
I've tried to be as objective as possible, but of course there are limits. I've tried to avoid being biased or arbitrary as much as I can, and hopefully I've succeeded at least somewhat. The full, final results will be announced on May 4th, and winners will be contacted shortly afterward to ask how they would like to accept their prizes. When readings these comments, please keep in mind that I know I'm often overly critical -- to the point where I can always find nitpicks even with the greatest works of literature. So don't take anything personally!
Notes:
- Using forward slashes to separate sentences/sentence fragments is a style I've never seen before. Where'd you learn that? It almost works well in this kind of narration ... but it's still really distracting and kind of annoying. I do think it's making the story harder to parse.
- Not sure if the fragmented prose is a brilliant job of showing Loona's mental state ... or if it's incredibly annoying to read. Maybe both.
-
I was just wondering about the pay...”The Prince’s chamber wasThere's a hell of a jump between these two lines, a hell of a skip to be glossed over with just a paragraph break and nothing else. I had to go back over it several times to figure out what was going on. Still not entirely sure I got it right.- A nice touch with how Loona is so focused on smell.
- Also quite confusing trying to figure out who's saying what when they realize they have the same name. And I still don't understand how Loona was supposed to guess Luna's name so easily.
- Feels quite rushed/fast paced ... though that seems to be partly in service of character development.
- Seems a bit experimental, in a way that maybe makes good fiction ... but I'm not sure it makes good clopfiction. The sparse details and hard-to-follow syntax don't make it very cloppable.
- In a really weird place on the grammar score. On one hand, it's unique and artistic, and all the grammar foibles can be passed off as being intentional, part of the character's headspace. On the other hand, it is legitimately difficult to decipher a lot of the time because of how much it throws away normal grammar rules. Ultimately, I guess I have to come down on the side of 'clarity is key' -- that's what grammar is for after all. And it should be at least theoretically possible to get the same kind of headspace effect without also making the fic difficult to read and difficult to understand, if it were handled the right way. While the unusual grammar helps it score really high in the artistic side of the Prose score and in some character-related prizes, I think it really hurts the story's overall score.
- The misunderstanding in their first meeting is really cute.
Scores:
Provocativeness: 30
Progression: 20
Payoff: 85
Pacing: 40
Personality: 90
Prose: 42
Total: 312
For more information on what these scores mean, see the scoring rubric.