On the mysterious island chain of Neighpon lay the islands of Kirishu, Formaresa, and Hōsurando. On the island of Kirishu one Kirin named Autumn Blaze leaves everything behind in the pursuit of something greater. Tired of 'The Silence' imposed by her peoples leader Rain Shine. Autumn Blaze travels to the neighboring Island of Formaresa home of the Longma.
TianhuoxAutumn Blaze shipping fic.
Written by me and https://www.fimfiction.net/user/174091/ponyfag-not-brony
Story is canon to the Equestria Chronicles but you don't have to read those stories to enjoy this.
Chapters (1)
Cute!
I didn’t read the story but I love the names of the countries in the description
The story’s not too bad, but definitely needs some work.
Autumn’s personality is pretty on-point, with the vague insanity of very little social interaction peeking through a lot, and I suppose it would make sense that having another character treat like an actual person rather than some sort of traitor would lead her to fall in love with them, with her quirkiness/insanity making go faster than it probably should be.
Now, I really do like Tianhuo as a character, but I’m very aware there’s actually not too much on her personality in TFH itself.
You do seem to have a decent handle on fitting her calm, yet quick-to-anger personality in this story to what actually is in-game, with the whole forced leave making a lot of sense for her, but it still seems like she’s torn between that and following the script that gets herself and Autumn together.
How she ends up bringing Autumn into her home and treating her while she’s there seems particularly discordant with the honourable manner she acts like in-game, with the playfulness not really matching with how someone like her would treat a relative stranger.
I certainly can understand how Tianhuo would take sympathy on a Kirin that washed up nearly dying from starvation, and how she might end up going back into distrust with how Autumn can act, but it still feels too abrupt in the story here.
As for how Tianhuo begins to get closer with Autumn, that definitely feels too abrupt, and really seems to come out of nowhere.
You’re obviously trying to get them together in some way or another, but you’ve already stated how Tianhuo is very focused on her work and cares little for anything beyond that, including romance of course, so any story where you bring her and someone else together would have to use a different approach than merely meeting and getting closer to each other as you’ve put together here.
A few other things I should point out:
First, where are they?
I know it’s supposed to be Tianhuo’s home, but we have no indication as to where that is in respect to Houshan, or any other nation, really.
Second; There are a few times where a character does something, and the other seems to have a delayed reaction. That’s clearly not what you meant, going by the way you describe things, but the way the text is written, with things in between the action and reaction make it feel like there’s some time in between them happening too. A good example of this is when Autumn first greets Tianhuo, and you describe the longma’s appearance before having her react.
Third; Autumn writes ‘sorry’ after she takes a carrot, but how? In the dirt, or something else?
Fourth; Autumn seems to zip straight from the front door of Tianhuo’s home to her backyard, with zero path or movements between them. That really ought to be amended in order to make sense.
Now, it’s worth noting that I really just mean all of this as constructive criticism for future reference, and that going through and reworking a story isn’t really all that necessary, but it’s certainly something you should feel welcome to do.
You don’t have a lot of stories on your page, and most of them are comedic, and while it’s certainly alright to keep yourself in a specific niche of story type, it could also work better to expand into different types of stories.
I personally dislike full-on comedy stories, as they go against just about everything that makes a story fully-formed and properly enjoyable, and people still end up liking them. It’s just that I can’t really compare the quality of this story to your previous ones, and thus can’t tell how much your writing has improved after writing them.
Of course, that won’t stop me from giving you advice on how to improve you stories, whatever type they may be, and I do hope you can improve your craft with this advice, and perhaps comment on others’ stories as well to give them criticism that they can use to get better as well.