BludgeonWarrior
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Not bad I'd love to see more
Let us see where this road of insanity takes us
Interesting, I will give it a review. Before I get started though, I would suggest that you change your cover art. It is very displeasing for anyone to see a pony creator picture as the cover art. That only implies that very little effort was put into this story. Okay, I will commence with the reading now. I will be sure to leave a comment behind on my opinion.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Admin
1327965
Thanks, but I'm not the best artist, and I don't have good connections to any.
1328374 Lol, that is understandable. I don't really have that many good connections either. Sorry it is taking so long. A lot of people keep interfering with my reviewing... but I will get it done within an hour.
Okay, this is where the reviewing takes place, and I will point out everything that needs to be change. I will also give you my opinion one each chapter. You will see my writing in red. I will begin:
Fillydelphia, one of the many fine cities in Equestria, or was, since it had been burned down last night! Not since the Changeling Invasion, had there been any sort of calamities. (You have that unnecessary comma sitting there.) Celestia and Luna had been trying to investigate, but were preoccupied with the mass panic and hysteria. (That comma is also unnecessary unless you add a subject after 'but'. If you separate that into two sentences, you get this: Celestia and Luna had been trying to investigate. Were preoccupied with the mass panic and hysteria. You need a subject for the second sentence to make it a compound sentence, or you need to remove the comma and make it one whole sentence.) So (comma) Celestia appointed Twilight and her friends to do so in her stead. But what (comma) or who (comma) could have done this?
Interesting start. Though, I do have a problem with it, and that is because it is worded 'weirdly'. At times, it seemed like you were trying to make it sound advance. It's okay to do it like this, but when you are trying to start off a story, you want to make it simpler before transitioning into more advance phrasing. That way, your viewers can get into the groove of the story. There are a few grammatical errors that needed to be fixed. Continuing with the story:
The first thing they noticed as they got closer to the ruin of what was Fillydelphia, was the smell. (No comma) The cinders and smoke had polluted the entire area. When the had finally arrived though, they saw the true horror of it all. The entire city (insert 'was' here) in ashes! Buildings that had collapsed from the fire. Pega-medics and Fireponies were still helping out with the wreckage, and the casualties. As they looked on speechless (Speechless should be speechlessly because you are using it as if it is an adverb. If that is not your intention, then you want to add a comma before speechless.), Chief Flashpoint approached the fillies. He was a gruff brown stallion who had seen action, but nothing like this.
(Space because, even with intentions, no one wants to read a wall of text.)
"So," Flashpoint began, "you're who Celestia has (Unnecessary word) sent to investigate this..." He paused, looked back at the ruined city (Comma and an 'and'. You are listing a series of actions, so you must add those two items in there for it to be correct.) then continued, "...travesty?"
(Space) (Review: You had a lot of unnecessary words in these two paragraphs. I didn't point out the word 'out' in 'were still helping out...' because you could have still used it, but it is, as well, and unnecessary word. I will continue now:)
Twilight (comma) who had been staring at the devastation (comma) then turned to him. "...Yes, Celestia... had appointed us to... handle the matter...," she replied, looking back as well. Twilight then sent the others to help with (Remove this, it changes the whole perspective of the story.) the Fireponies and Pega-medics while she talked with Flashpoint. "I j-just can't believe something like th-this would ever happen..." She wanted to cry.
(Space)
"I know," Chief Flashpoint replied with a sorrowful nod, "but that cannot hinder us from doing our jobs." He then took out notebook from his pocket. "We had done our own share of investigating, and came up with something you might want to look deeper into."
(Space)
"Like what?"
(Space)
"Well (comma) according to one of the... few survivors, he said he witnessed a mare walking through the fire."
(Space)
"What!? Walking through the fire!?" Twilight gasped.
(Space)
"Yes," Flashpoint replied, knowing how strange it sounded, "and it gets crazier, (Period, not comma) he also thought he heard..."
(Space)
"Heard what?" Twilight inquired anxiously, almost not wanting to know the answer.
(Space)
"Singing," He replied, (To add more emphasis to this you could put 'He choked out', but that is all up to you.) "He thought he heard singing..."
(Space)
"Singing!?" Twilight then (Remove this) wished she had heard that wrong. What kind of pony would be singing while inside a blazing fire, let alone walking in a blazing fire? Twilight guessed that this mare was most likely a unicorn, that (Replace this word with 'which') would explain the walking through fire, but still... "Could this mare have been a unicorn?" She asked.
(Space)
Flashpoint checked his report. "Maybe," he replied, "but remember that he saw this mare during a massive fire, so it would have been hard to tell..." (This is actually, believe it or not, a run-on-sentence. This is so because you have two coordinating conjunctions in here. To make this work as one sentence, remove the comma and 'so' and replace it with a semicolon. This thing -->; This will make the sentence better.) A muffled voice then came from his pocket. "'scuse me," Flashpoint then pulled his radio out. "This is Flashpoint. Over." All Twilight couldn't understand what was said. (Worded weirdly to the point it is hard to understand what you are implying.) "Really! We'll be right over! Out!" He then put the radio back in his pocket.
(Space)
"What happened?"
(Space)
"Follow me! I'll tell you on the way!" Flashpoint then galloped at full speed down what was once 1st Street with Twilight right on his six. "The rescue crew found another survivor, thank Celestia! A filly!" Flashpoint yelled back at Twilight, who was a bit behind, not being as athletic as him.
(Space)
"Then there's not a minute to lose!" Twilight said, as she caught up with him.
(Space)
They ran as fast as they could, while being wary of all the debris on the road. Soon (Comma) they had arrived at the site. ""Where is she?" Flashpoint asked one of his colts.
(Space)
"She's right here," the rescue pony replied. A little filly stood by the colt's leg, (Add 'and' or replace the comma with a period) she was bruised and had a rescue blanket around her. She was twitching from being in such an awful ordeal.
(Space)
"Where's my mommy?" The little filly asked them. "I want my mommy!" She ran over to Twilight and hugged her while she sobbed.
(Space)
In response, Twilight hugged the filly as well, knowing that the foal's family, (Lose the comma) was most likely claimed by the fire. "Don't worry," Twilight said as she embraced the filly in her arms, "It'll be alright. Nothing (Insert 'is' here) going to hurt you now." This Is (Lowercase that 'i') all she could manage to say; how do you tell a foal that her parents are dead? Flashpoint gazed at them, a tear going down his face. He looked to the ground, stared for a second, (add 'and') then continued to talk with the rescue pony.
(So far, this story is going really well. I love the concept behind it. The only thing I see that needs some improvement is the content. Continuing:)
"I don't want to be here..." Fluttershy mumbled. She didn't even want to go, but (add subject 'she') was forced to by Twilight, as (Replace this with a semicolon.) she was one of the best caretakers in Equestria. Twilight had her and Rarity to (Lose this word) help look after the survivors, what little there were.
(Space)
"I don't want to be in this smelly place either," Rarity replied, trying to step over all the ashes and dust. "but we have to help these poor ponies. They might be injured or scared."
(Space)
"I still don't want to be here..." Fluttershy responded, now breaking into tears. "Whyyy!" She collapsed to the ground and continued to weep.
(Space)
"Fluttershy...," Rarity turned back to Fluttershy and laid by her (There is an space here; remove it) . She then proceeded to comfort Fluttershy. "Darling, we need to be strong in this tragedy, for those ponies who are hurt."
(Space)
"...okay,"
(Space)
Rarity then helped Fluttershy back up, and they proceeded towards the Med. Tent.
(Noticing this far into the story, you have been using 'then a lot'. I would suggest only using it if you are giving a series of events with no dialog in between. Trying cutting down on the amount of 'then's you use. You don't want to use that word, or any word for that matter, too many times in a story because it can kill the mood fast than you can realize. Onward:)
Twilight had assigned Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie to the rescue team. Applejack was the strongest of them (Comma) so this was natural. Rainbow Dash, while also strong, is there if they find somepony who needed urgent care (Period) she could zip them quickly to the Med. Tent, being the fastest. Pinkie Pie, well, her Pinkie Sense might come in handy in such a dangerous environment.
(Space)
"Stallion, look at this!" Rainbow Dash blurted out as they searched for survivors.
(Space)
"I know what 'ya mean, Rainbow," Applejack replied. "All these here shops, stores, 'n houses..." She said as she pointed to all the ruined buildings. "..."n (That quotation mark should be an apostrophe.) all the good ponies who spent their lives here..."
(Space)
"hmm?" Pinkie had stopped and looked in an ally.
(Space)
"Pinkie! What 're you doin'?" Applejack yelled back at her.
(Space)
"I thought I saw somepony." Pinkie replied, still looking in the ally.
(Space)
Rainbow Dash flew back to where Pinkie was. "Let me see!" She the (Remove the 'the') went in the ally and looked around for a couple seconds, (Add 'and') then came back out. "Nothing."
(Space)
"But I know I saw somepony!" Pinkie said again, this time a bit irritated.
(Space)
"Pinkie, don't foal around with us," Applejack responded angrily. " this (Lose the space between the quotation and 'this' and capitalize 'this') ain't somethin' to joke about!"
(Space)
"But I-"
(Space)
"No more!" Applejack yelled at Pinkie. "Come on, let's keep on movin'(Period)"
(Space)
Applejack and Rainbow Dash went on ahead. "I know I saw somepony..." Pinkie said to herself, (Lose the comma) then ran after the other two.
(I was about to kill you because of how you made Fluttershy acted, but you saved yourself with that Rarity pulling in, comforting her.
)
A minute after Pinkie left, a gray unicorn mare with flame-like hair walked out of the ally. Her cutie mark was just a simple fire. With a crazed look in her eye (Comma) she then (Lose the 'then') turned away to leave her handiwork behind.
Overall, I really liked it. The concept of the story was very intriguing, and I plan on watching you for more chapters. The only thing that I saw the majority of was the excessive use of 'then'. You used that word in almost every sentence, and it stole away from the feeling in the story. On your next chapter, try to use less then's. Also, that grammatical errors, but I don't usually complain unless someone doesn't use them at all. I saw that you were using them, and you put them in place that seemed right. I know because I did the same exact thing. Grammar is the hardest part of a story to get right, so I am not complaining any about it. Otherwise, you did a very good job, for you first time, right? You have gain a like and watch from me. Keep up the good work!
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Admin
1329530
Thanks for not killing me
1333138 Of course, I don't really kill anyone for their fan fictions unless it is really bad. I'm just a guys looking to read good fan fictions and help people along the way.cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-pgrin.png
Your OC it's..... kinda weird to look at
1334564
I don't get how you don't understand...
1334602 What?
I get said your OC hurts my eyesm he's too bright.
Nothing bad intended.
1334614
lol sorry
1334614
Throw water at your screen. It should cool the colors down.
1338847img0.joyreactor.com/images/templates/solo/no.jpg
1338994
Bu... bu...
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
1339251
Ha, you think I care about you crying? I cry all the time. No real friends, if you don't count my roommates, a abusive boyfriend, my sister is on drugs and it's my fault. My mom just gave birth and I'm not allowed to go see the baby. You crying doesn't bother me at all
(None of that is true, but I still don't care. Well some of it's true
)
1339294
My crying was along the lines of:
1339348
I dont know if that's the funniest thing I've ever seen, or the saddest
1339375
Both. It's inspirational too.
1328374
Hey, hey, hey...
Pretty entertaining to read, bit bad for ponies involved in this though.
1341252
other than you~
1341255
I always believed what doesn't kill you make you stronger
In my defense, the name of the following song fits this (and it's a cool song)
1356268
Love that song!
But i don't see how it fits?
1356284
It has 'Fire' in it. Logic = win.
1356368
but I meant in context. Sure, the song has fire in it, but the lyrics don't have anything to do with what's going on in this story.
lol
What no "ring of fire"
1356389
Erm, how about (and a request from Someguy987):
1356441
Just for you :D.
1357339
like I needed visual aid
(listened to it) cool song. wait, what was it about?
1357376
It's Johnny Cash... (I'm surprised you haven't heard any of his songs. He was a great musician in the latter half of the 1900's--although I'm not sure of the specifics-- who's music is still appreciated today. My dad loves listening to him, and I do as well.)
YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!
1359560
I love this song, and i've heard it before.
Sorry.
I only meant that I liked the song so much, i forgot the message.
1360636
Have a random song (two random songs) from a good band:
TERRACOTTA PIE!
And a sad yet beautiful one:
1360643
Why are you giving me all these songs?
Input! Give me input!
1328374
This group can help you out if you're looking for art.
You probably couldve drawn out the suspense alot more im ALMOST disappointed
1363902
Well, at least he didn't use it too much...
However, a cliffhanger would've been great for this.
1361683
You should link this to me:
1364642
Classy as usual.
1364721
From a Pulp Fiction reference on one story to a religious/Science debate on a blog, I am everywhere...
And I bring fabulous tunes wherever I go.
Changed the title of the ch. cause fI didn't like the previous one.
1377719
Life, Dreams, Hope,
Where do They come from,
And where do They go?
1377790
U no get my reference?
1377811
I don't either.
just because i didn't see it, doesn't mean I cant believe it~
1377852
be mine forever
1377879
I very much enjoyed the way Pyre's character is revealed in this chapter, especially the modified songs.
I do have a few minor suggestions:
>>>>you can remove the words "in Baltimare" in the second sentence, as you've already stated where the scene is taking place
>>>>Pyre "arriving at her destination" makes it seem like her actions were well thought out and pre-planned, which i think kinda contrasts with how fast she finishes her work
>>>>While i was reading it, I got the impression rainbow dash left the child after she said "now get away from here" to go save other ponies... maybe that's just me, but it might help the transition between the heavy action and conversation scene if you took these words out
>>>>"...she then broke into a second sonic rainboom..." This sentence caused the little logic mice that live in the front of my cranium to overturn their workdesks and start a riot. You can't have another sonic boom after you've broken the sound barrier
"Fluttershy had noticed a little pale yellow filly and her father lying down." ~~~~ I noted immediately that this was gonna be a plot device linking the mane six to rainbow dash's scenario, and almost cringed at how unnatural it would be for fluttershy to ask some random stranger about the status of her friend, but you, sir, surprised me with that med tent business, and pulled this part off very brilliantly.
"Right as she said that, the bulk of the Fire-ponies arrived, swiftly putting out the fires on the outskirts of Baltimare." Instantaneous action is bad pacing... something along the lines of "...fire-ponies arrived, swiftly starting to put out..." would really help the events seem less paper-thin.
"...were racing to find that flamed-maned mare..." I would think their priority would be saving the people in the city...?
The way it's worded, applejack dodging the falling building is very anticlimactic
Once again, good chapter, and I hope you understand that i'm nitpicking these specific parts because I like the story so much
I feel that poetry and Robert Frost are necessary here.
Fire and Ice
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
1382708
I no understand.