Greencloud`s Life

Greencloud is five years old when is father offers him a deal. Then his life changes forever.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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CanterlotGuardian

CanterlotGuardian #1 · Sep 18th, 2012 · 1 · ·

You probably should dispose of your brain first, because it's obviously not functioning, probably in the latter stages of rigor mortis.

Freeze

Freeze #2 · Sep 18th, 2012 · · ·

I am quite surprised this story has not been hit with a volley of Train Wreck Explorers.
Let's get this monstrosity over with, shall we?

There are very few grammar and spelling errors that I could see, put I'm mostly focusing on the plot.

And this is how I put the entire plot of the story:
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnxbzu2MFo1qgvqv7o1_500.gif
I mean, dear god, man! This story is as much fun as going to a Justin Bieber concert! I'd have a better time staring at a rock!
It's like you copy and pasted the paragraphs, but made slight adjustments to make the numbers correct. How this story got a single like, I have no idea.

I mean, all the story is about is some kid wanting golf balls for his birthday by doing chores. So truly sum up the entire plot:
THERE IS NO PLOT

And then, let's look at towards the ending.
Never, EVER put author's thoughts/comments/notes in the middle of stories. This just ruins the flow of a story. You need to put them at the end of every story.
And then there's the end itself. My thought is simply this:
t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSogBGvgNIgw6cop9g9J5etf52YSiEAgh4trB7Waegwoy37L9s8
That ending. I think you were trying to make a cliffhanger. I'm not saying cliffhangers are bad, its just you need to have something else after a cliffhanger of this intensity. I mean, the whole story revolved around stupid golf balls, and the ending doesn't even state why he wanted them.

So, in conclusion:
You need to redo this entire story. The plot is just as void as the mind of a cucumber.
----
I think I see a volley of snowballs....

CanterlotGuardian

CanterlotGuardian #3 · Sep 18th, 2012 · · ·

1299011

I'd have a better time staring at a rock!

denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2943-Pinkie_Pie_Approves.png

derpypony

derpypony #4 · Sep 19th, 2012 · · ·

Freeze
This was just a story to troll the reader
I wanted to write this story because it was just a complete waste of time.
It was suppose to be long so it will edge on readers to know what the golf balls were for
Then he died and no one knows what they were for
Now that you know he story I hope you get it
This will be my only trolling story
~Derpy