Younger Brother of Midnight_Quill
Twilight makes a portal to help towns in an emergency. The portal is in alpha stages and tests it out on apple acres. Pinkie Pie loses her balloons for Vinyls epic WUB party, and Ditzy finds them. Will a shift of fate help Twilight or will Pinkie lose her balloons forever... OR BOTH!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is my first time writing so if there is any problems or advice you can give me on the story please do tell me.
A few issues here, and I'll attempt to do my first bit of editing.
Red for errors
Blue for corrections
Green for notes
“SO IF MY CALCULATIONS only the first letter should be capitalised are correct, I should be able to alter the teleportation spell to create a portal. When I walk into the portal it should teleport me to Applejacks Applejack's barn.this should be a comma if you're continuing the thought ” Twilight said confidently.
“But Twilight,” said Spike warily, “Are you sure that this spot won’t attract any pony’s attention,? I mean… we are in the middle of the unnecessary Sweet Apple Acres, but what if Applejack or Big Macintosh run into it accidentally.”
“Spike, Applejack already knows about what I’m doing., again this should be a comma ” stated Twilight. “I told her about the idea, and asked her if there was a spot on the farm where I could try the spell. She brought me here because this part of the farm hasn’t had many apples in years… as well as visitors.”
“Why are we doing this again, ? what is the point if you can teleport yourself, ?”
“The portal can transport supplies in-case of an emergency faster than a train. The portal also needs lots of power so few unicorns are able to conjure the spell. Finally, the portal will wear off in a couple of minutes, so it's open just long enough to bring supplies, but short enough so there isn't any unwanted attention.”
“O.k Twilight, but I still got a bad feeling in my stomach, ” said Spike.
Twilight knew that this spell was going to work. It should wear off within a few minutes or so. Her plan was to go into the portal, and unnecessary meet up with Applejack, then make sure no pony gets caught in the portal unexpectedly. She still needed to make a few tweaks on the portal , unnecessary before she is able to bring certain provisions through the portal unnecessary, you've already used portal in the sentence. So far with Twilight`s research, the portal is was watch your tenses capable of bringing basic supplies such as food, wood, rope, and unnecessary etc. Her research was still missing a few parts elelements for the portal to work at its full potential capacity before it becomes a safe way could be used properly in an emergency. Before more complex substances are able to go through the portal Twilight still need to flex the time space continuum, and the masses of matter to pass through each other without leaving any parts of objects or any ponies behind inside the portal. You've already said that food, wood, rope and "etc" are able to pass through this and they're "complex" enough as it is. Then it devolves into some technobabble that would make a writer on Star Trek the Next Generation cringe. And is it magic or tech? Try keeping it based on one source and not two. Maybe something along the lines of:However it still needed to be properly tested so that living things could pass through it without leaving parts of them behind.
Once she is able to figure out the magic behind it, then Twilight can change her Aether power into the Portal so the complexity of matter that belong to the provisions are able to pass through the space, time continuum easily so ponies can transport simple and complex substances through the portal without the problem of a mishap. If complex materials like plastic go through the portal before the change… well… I still don’t quite know what will happen. I already know the consequences of using subspace travel to go places when I learned the teleportation spell. The difference with this type of teleportation could end Equestria as we know it. I wanted a quite area to focus in so I can test the portal. Most of this is just filler and is it supposed to be an internal monologue? If so please use the proper punctuation such as italics to indicate this.
“O.K. Spike, stand back ”, comma should be inside the quotes as soon as spike should be capitalized moved to a tree Twilight started gathering Aether. After a few seconds, there was a slight change in the wind occurred unnecessary, soon a faint greenish blue field started to appear…
“Blahhhahhh ”, comma should be inside the quotes Twilight heard from the baby dragon ,.
As soon as Spike made the noise there was followed by a flash of green flame and heat. Twilight stopped the process immediately and the greenish field dispersed into the hot air of the summer day.
“Spike, are you O.K. ?” said asked the worried mare.
“Ya, it was it's try to keep the characters talking as they normally would only a letter from Princess Celestia.,watch your punctuation ” coughed the young dragon.
“Whew ,watch your punctuation ” sighed Twilight, “I was worried the spell was harming might have harmed you ,. iIf you got hurt I would have never forgiven myself.”
Twilight would never let spike go into danger unless she was around to protect him. She had always known Spike since he was an egg. He was also like a little brother to her like Shining Armor, except he was older than her... and not a fire breathing dragon. A little clunky there.She had known Spike since she hatched him from his egg, she thought he was as much her brother as Shining Armor was. Except Shining Armor was older than her... and not a fire breathing dragon.
“I’ll read the letter as soon as I finish the portal Spike,” Twilight breathed with relief.
As soon as Twilight saw Spike step away, she saw that he was reading the letter... which was fine with her.
Twilight went through the entire process again gathering the Aether changing it into the magic to create the Portal Should not be capitalised. Soon a change in the wind occurred just as like last time and a greenish blue field begun to form. Just as she finished Spike yelled out “Twilight Stop!”