• Member Since 7th Jun, 2019
  • offline last seen 12 hours ago

SpedaHooves


A Pegasister/Brony since early 2011, My name is Speda Hooves (Oc), and I love mlp as much as I love my family. SOUL Sister to EmeraldBreeze777

Comments ( 11 )

The forth bar seemed

fourth

We looked around on our way towards the castle, finding a few things along the way, which I did make a canteen to hold some water from the small lake from before.

A bit confused here. When did she make the canteen, and how? That should definitely be placed before you mention finding a few things.

We walked as steadily and quickly as we could til we made it to the front of the castle, where once we walked in, I suddenly felt super comfortable towards one side that had pictures and tapestries of the moon in all it's glory, with several star filled blankets covering up one side of the castle's windows.

That should probably be more than one sentence. A general rule of thumb I use is that any sentence longer than two lines in my word processor is probably too long. Only rarely is something longer needed. Part of the reason I do that is that the longer a sentence is, the more difficult it is to understand. Two shorter sentences are easier to understand than one long one. It also makes for a faster read. Both will improve your approval ratings.

10753589
I knew I missed something to correct. Thanks!
And I know that was a bit confusing, I just didn't think of any other way to word that scene, but other than that, she had made it before finding a few things, things I will not name as that'd be spoilers for later

Thanks for the advice, I will keep that in mind

Good Chapter, but there are a few errors:

After cleaning up a giant mess, a no-brainer to who it was caused by, Pinkie led me out through town, greeting everypony in turn, then turned back towards me.

Should be "...due to who it was caused by..."

I nodded my head to Stone Cutter, as he nodded in return, and I stepped outside to find the most funniest looking scene in front of me.

Should be "funniest"

"Sorry for scaring you. Here, I'll put them away.", I said, and pulled the swords out with my magic, further making the mares eyes widen in alarm, before I made my weapons 'disappear' in front of them, this time intriguing the mare.

Should be "mare's"

"

"So, as I was trying to say before after that big shock, thank you for your hard work Rainbow Dash, even though it only took you ten seconds to get it done, which I'm still puzzling on how that was possible but aside from that, we have another stop to go to, so I'll be out of your hair.", She said, which was rewarded with a few giggles, which she gained the annoyed look on her face again, dragging the dragon with her.

Should be "before"

I turned towards Rainbow Dash, and offered my hoof, which she shook akwardly, since I was still standing too high for her to reach, as I introduced myself to her, trying to be quick so I can catch up with the purple mare and her dragon friend.

Should be "awkwardly"

It took a few minutes before they were back, or Twilight at least, now with a pretty looking saddle, and hair in a proper shape I presumed, and she also looked very pretty now that she wasn't roughed up. Purple was a common theme with her is seemed.

Should be "it".

Before I read this, I must know: How can her wings and hooves be different colors?

10778518
They aren't, it says her coat is cyan, the colour of her wings are not mentioned. It does go on to describe the colour of her eyes, which are dark blue, if that's what you mean.

10778518
No no, they are the same color, where'd you find that they aren't? She/We are all Cyan colored, Black Mane and Tail, with Dark Blue ethereal magic eyes

10778542
Thank you, didn't see your comment before I responded!

Oooh.

I am delighted to see this contest has spawned stories that will continue after it's over. :D

10803244
Yep, definitely going to continue this for as long as I can, and maybe a sequel after it's done!

10803244
Also, thank you for reading, I'm honored you took the time to do so!

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