• Member Since 7th Feb, 2021
  • offline last seen September 18th

brittanypegasister2008


a autistic, silly, happy-go-lucky 14 year old pegasister! YouTube Instagram

E

A young teenage mare falls in love with her rivals neighbor, Bright Mac. But, will their relationship be ruined by their families?
Edit: OMG My Story got featured? Thxs so much!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 21 )

ooh! I like your story
Romeo and Juliet style :pinkiehappy:

Great story and love the ending to

You're welcome

Excellent story keep up the good work and I give this story a 10 out of 100 .
And I'm going to help you make more stores.

10824589
Thank you so much! I really needed some help with my stories!

10825161
Your biggest problem I saw is paragraphs. You have to start a new paragraph anytime a new person is speaking. Also, use a comma after dialogue instead of a period if the speech is followed by a line telling who is speaking.

If I can’t help falling in love with you

Grammar issues aside, it was a cute story with a lot of details taken from the show.

I see that others have already given you some feedback on this story, but I think that you deserve something a bit more detailed to help you grow as a writer.

Content-wise I cannot really say much about the story, given that you’ve pretty much just transcibed the episode. Still, there are a few technical issues that I’d like to mention so that you can learn from them and avoid making them in your future stories.

By Brittany Rivers. From My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! Based on the episode from Season 7 episode 13 ‘The Perfect Pear’. (This story is very similar to William Shakepear’s “Romeo and Juliet”.)

Refrain from putting this kind of information in the story’s opening. When a reader decides to open the story to start reading, you want them to start reading immediately. (You also need to work on providing the so called hook. That is, starting the story with something intriguing that also hints at what the rest of the story’s going to be like.) Opening a chapter and being hit in the face with another author’s note is rather annoying and can discourage a lot of potential readers. In other words, if you really need to state this information somewhere, do so either at the end of the long description or in an autor’s note at the end of the chapter. However, in this particular case, you don’t need to state any of this. The readers can see what episode this is and what play it was based on.

Now, let’s get to the story itself. To be brutally honest, the whole story’s execution needs work. The main problem is that the story isn’t really a story, but—except for a few spots packed with dialogue that are executed rather well—it’s just a mere summary, a mere list of events. You simply state what happened and move on, not leaving any time for the readers to feel as if they were a part of the story and experienced everything the characters did. There’s no time to create a romantic atmosphere with how fast-paced this is and given how all of the information is expositioned, rather than shown and experienced. This also results in you creating the infamous ‘info dumps’ in the story, that is sections of the story where you just pile on information after information without considering the information’s importance. This only results in the audience feeling confused and flooded with information… and remembering nothing in the long run. A good example of an info dump is the whole section marked as the first chapter.

Now, telling, expositioning, and info dumps are sadly issues that are rather hard to deal with, since they usually require large rewrites. In other words, be vigilant while planning out and writing a story to avoid implementing them. They may seem like a good way to save you time, but they just hurt the story.

Now, regarding you splitting the story into separate ‘chapters’. Frankly, it’s not needed. What you’re terming here to be chapters are individual scenes that would be better off if you treated them that way and simply separated them by a line break, such as this default one:


However, as I have said, you also summarise and skim the plot a lot, so if you were to rewrite each of these sections into full-fledged chapters, you could indeed call them that. In that case it’d be good to actually structure these as separate chapters. (In FiMFic’s context, the whole story is currently treated as a single chapter.)

Regarding odd formatting, there’s a lot of it going on when it comes to paragraphs. Sometimes the spaces between paragraphs are too large, sometimes they are missing altogether. As another commenter already pointed out, there are a few spots where you’ve broken the ‘One speaker, one paragraph’ rule. (The one that says you need to start a new paragraph anytime a different character starts speaking.) It may seem like a petty thing, but if you don’t follow this rule, the readers can easily lose track of who’s speaking. Compare this:

“She didn’t do it, sir.” said Bright Mac. “Excuse me?” my father asked. “The water silo. It was my fault.” Bright Mac said. I giggled softly, but then my father looked at me for a moment then, he turned to Bright Mac. “You owe me a new silo, boy!” said my father, “And you, come with me!’ my father said. “No daughter of mine is going to make goo goo eyes at an Apple!” my father said to me as we walked away from Bright Mac.

with this:

“She didn’t do it, sir.” said Bright Mac.

“Excuse me?” my father asked.

“The water silo. It was my fault.” Bright Mac said.

I giggled softly, but then my father looked at me for a moment then, he turned to Bright Mac. “You owe me a new silo, boy!” said my father, “And you, come with me!’ my father said. “No daughter of mine is going to make goo goo eyes at an Apple!” my father said to me as we walked away from Bright Mac.

It’s much more clearer to understand, isn’t it? (Note: There are other errors in this part that I didn’t correct.)

Also, know that adding song lyrics to stories hardly ever works, since your audience cannot guess the rhythm and melody behind the words. (Yes, even in case of canon songs.) The result is that they just feel disconnected from the story in that moment. A better way to deal with this is focusing more on the emotions the music brings forth and on the characters’ reactions to the song and any other actions they do while singing/listening.

Regarding some small-scale errors, you tend to use a lot of run-on sentences and comma splices. That means, you keep adding clauses to a single sentence even though you should have started a new sentence a long while ago.

Furthermore, watch out for word repetition (for example, see how you overuse the word ‘said’). It makes the story feel rather bland. Better avoid this by utilising synonyms or rephrasing the sentences so that you don’t need to use the word at all.

Numerals are also a rather big problem for you—and, in my experience, for the majority of newbie writers. Numerals are the symbols that you use to denote numbers, such as 42. The thing is, numerals look different than letters, and as such they stand out too much, visually break up the text, and draw unnecessary attention. That’s why they shouldn’t be used in stories. There are some exceptions to this, such as ammo calibers, but in general, you’ll be better off conveying numbers using words. Furthermore, always think about if you really need to state the exact numbers or if going with a vague, more natural statement won’t be better. In case of this story, I’d say that about ninety percent of the exact numbers are redundant.

I also noticed a lot of recurring issues in direct speech, but for the sake of keeping this comment moderately short, I won’t go into detail here. However, if you want, I can send you a short guide on how to tackle all of these. I also noticed some random errors, but I won’t elaborate on them either for the same reason.

And that’s all I wanted to say. Don’t get me wrong, I surely don’t want to discourage you from writing. In fact, I believe that you have what it takes to become a great writer one day. However, I feel I’ll help you more if I’m brutally honest with you rather than if I resort to pointless sugarcoating.

11031036
I will try to write more stories!

Excellent story please keep its going

Great story, I enjoyed it !!!

nice story, even if it turned out a bit short and the dialogues very wrinkled

11257702
thxs! im sorry that the story came out that way, Its hard being autistic

Login or register to comment