11. The End. (Rewritten)
The war room was as magnificent as Conrad thought it would be, maps of every known land adorn every wall with strategic points marked upon them, many scrolls filled with lists of troops and equipment, and a small army of enchanted gear hung upon a weapon rack. Celestia stood in the middle, looking down upon a massive map of Equestria. She looked troubled.
As Conrad walked around the side, he could see two massive areas marked upon in red. Both in the direction of the griffin empire.
"Conrad, Luna, Chryssi, thank you for joining me. I wish it was for better reasons, but something dire has happened. First, the griffins have called for war. They have become agitated with the financial aid they have been given and have stockpiled the funds in order to organize themselves into a mercenary army. They come to take this land for their own and to seize the riches we have. I've been expecting this for years and I already had a counter-attack planned for this, but something else had come up..." Celestia looked troubled by something.
"But, there has been an unknown factor brought to the table," Celestia said, looking down at the map. "Something has been massacring the griffin force. We have not been brought the exact details yet, though, carrier pigeon has brought word of a tide of flesh and bone cutting a swath through the griffins. No bodies nor equipment were left behind. It's... it's a little frightening. Though, I suppose with the fact it hadn't targeted our ponies... I suppose it's somewhat friendly and open to negotiation." She took a meditative breath before stealing a sip of calming tea. No doubt this was stressful for the poor mare.
Conrad nodded and looked towards the map. "It sounds like necromancy."
Celestia heaved a small, lithe sigh. "That's what I was thinking." She closed her eyes. "I was hoping to use your expertise in this, determine what may have happened."
Conrad brought a fist to his chest. "I will do what needs to be done. Where is our destination?"
"To the east." She looked out the window in that direction, her eyes sparkling in the sunlight. "There should be a military outpost. It's where you will go." She turned back to Conrad. "I already have a sky carriage ready for you with supplies."
Chryssi gave a nod from beside Conrad. "Of course. We will get to the bottom of what happened, see if we can secure whatever this entity is as an ally if possible." Conrad had a weird feeling in his non-existent gut, a familiar feeling. He pushed that feeling away for the moment. "Alright, Conrad? Ready to go?"
Conrad gave a curt nod. "Yes. Luna?" He turned to the lunar princess. "I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to talk more earlier, but I suppose duty calls."
Luna gave a small smile to her greatest friend throughout these years. "Of course. Come back safe, will you? You still owe me plenty of stories."
Conrad gave a chuckle... more like a clack, however. "Of course. I'll be back for you, little moon." Luna couldn't help the blush at the new nickname as Conrad cackled on his way out with Chryssie.
Chryssi had to admit, it was hilarious. "You are too cruel to her, you know?"
"Maybe." Conrad mused. "Maybe I should be crueler. She seems to be the type to be a glutton for punishment." He gave a light shrug.
Chryssi heaved a groan. "Cruel cruel skeleton. Let's get going." The skeleton nodded and followed his friend down towards the air docks where their carriage was sitting. The carriage was armored and so were the pegasi getting ready to take off. "There's our ride." She not so subtly pushed the skeleton, the lazy bag of bones that he is, into the carriage.
Conrad was a pile of bones on his seat, Chryssi opposite him. "When I called you a useless bag of bones... I didn't mean it literally."
Conrad's skull moved to the top of the pile. "No skin off my bones I suppose." He reformed into his humanoid form once more as the chariot started to move out of the dock and towards the battlefields. Conrad began to look out the window, one elbow resting out like a trucker on a Sunday afternoon, driving down a highway. His sight was limited with how fast they were going, the necrotic energy not being able to reach most of the land that Chryssi could see, but he was able to see the trees they flew over.
Conrad watched as they started to move towards fillydelphia. He was still astounded by the horse puns in this world. Even after so long. He brought his elbow back in, reaching to grab his violin. He began to play a sad and somber tune as they flew through the air, the frontlines of an emerging war growing closer.
Chryssi had watched him play, more specifically, watching those bony digits choke the neck of the violin, pressing down on the proper notes to drag the bow across, like a blade to flesh. Perhaps the idea of war had led her to darker and more grim thoughts. As the notes played, she began to wonder more about Rosa's queen, the one that made him. This mysterious sovereign commands power over the dead. It was strange to think about for her, that someone could be so powerful as to raise a nation from the dead. The sheer spell power it must've taken, not to mention how much her magic might've grown. Magic is one of the few things that actually does get better with age.
Conrad finished his score, giving a very practiced bow solely by instinct. He then sat back down in his seat, heaving a sigh he really didn't need to give. "I wonder what the frontlines are going to look like," he idly wondered.
"Probably awful. Many ponies are going to come out of this with many scars. Mental and physical." Chryssi observed.
Conrad nodded. "Of course. My sovereign would know something about that."
Chryssi looked up at him, an eyebrow raised. "Oh?"
Conrad nodded back to her. "Yes. Our sovereign has had a very awful past. She still suffers from it." He glanced out the window, they were past Fillydelphia now. "She still has episodes, though they are few and far between. Even as an immortal necromancer, one is never free from the shackles of the mind." Chryssi gave a nod, completely understanding. "Then her physical scars... she's... well... she has more scar than surface skin. Just, if there ever comes a time that you meet her, don't ask about them. You can stare, she doesn't mind, just don't ask about them." Conrad's head tilted downwards. "She remembers each and every scar on her."
Chryssi thought about how torturous that must be. If she truly had so many scars, what in Tartarus might've happened to her? The rest of the ride was in silence. Both of the occupants had many things on their minds.
After an hour, they finally reached their destination. A fort on the ground, about a mile from the ocean. More than enough room for combat or a massacre. The fort was made of stone, looking somewhat similar to the kind Conrad's sovereign used as guardian posts dotted around the Necropolis. The carriage hit the ground, twenty feet from the gate of the fortress. The full contingent of guards was at attention, surveying the surroundings and making sure everything was smooth. Conrad took point out of the carriage, meeting an important-looking pony in heavily enchanted armor.
"Conrad Moody?" The pony said in a gruff voice.
"Aye, that would be me. In the flesh." He gave a quick look down. "Or... bone I suppose."
The pony didn't look very amused. "Did the princess tell you what you are to do?"
"I got the gist of it, mostly wait around until this tide comes by to save the day and confront it."
The pony nodded. "That's about it. The next attack by the griffons is estimated in thirty minutes. Wait around up top with us." Conrad nodded with Chryssi silent behind him. She hadn't wanted to say anything for fear of reprisal. Most ponies, especially guards, were still uneasy around her. He followed the pony upwards, to the tallest guard tower. He had his violin at the ready, in case he needed to throw out some bardic magic.
The wait was tense. It always was. It wasn't Conrad's first time in a war, many people hated the undead and wanted to cleanse his sovereign's kingdom. He remembered the hordes of paladins and clerics atop horseback, thinking they were doing the right thing. He shook those thoughts out as the first of the invaders crested the horizon. A pony shouted below and all hooves were on deck, ready to fight for their land.
Conrad readied his Violin, Chryssi readied her fell magic, the ponies below readied crossbows and spells. The black cloud of griffons was getting closer, with their flight, they had the elevation advantage as a cloud of bolts flew through the air, down towards the garrison below.
Thinking quick, Conrad brought out the scroll he had captured all those years ago, chasing after it through the market and off the Canterlot wall. With it, he began to unravel it, placing it in a magical grip in front of him, violin at the ready. He began to play a more uplifting song.. One that spoke of endless struggles to persevere through. But, as long as they all cooperated to fight through this struggle, they would survive. It was a true heart song that equestrians used throughout their lives. Singing to give them the strength to go on.
With the help of his violin, Chryssi found herself singing the unfamiliar words, being better suited for this task. A spark of magic lit up the air as a small dome began to encompass the keep. It was struggling, however. The energy of Conrad and Chryssie was not enough. The dome would fail.
But soon enough, the guards began to sing along, following their instincts as ponies. The shield began to flicker back to life, just in time to encompass the entire outpost and protect the ponies within. Just as the song reached its peak, the bolts impacted the dome, bouncing harmlessly off of it. With the weight of the dome shared between all the guards, it held fast. "Strike back!" Conrad shouted, continuing his violin playing. "It's one way! Shoot through the dome!"
The guards heard him and began to fire their bolts and spells through the barrier to strike out towards their griffon invaders. Bodies fell, hitting the ground alongside the equipment. Apparently, that was all that was needed to attract their mystery and the reason they came here.
Over the hill to their north, a shadow of a being stood. A human, Conrad noted. The being raised their hand, the dead griffons coming to life, taking up crossbows, and shooting down the rest of the invaders alongside the guard. With them distracted and the guard likely to survive, Conrad stopped playing, letting the ponies and changeling continue to sing to keep the shield up.
Conrad slipped down the tower, past the singing, fighting, guards, and towards the north. He began the trek of a quarter-mile to reach the figure that was watching the battle with interest. Conrad was ready to meet this mysterious figure.
Upon reaching the hill, he looked up to the figure, only to grin at the familiar being. What stood out was those steel locks of hair, resting in a braid over her shoulder and breast. Her face was soft but oddly regal. The steely eyes squinted, looking out at the combat. Three scars decorated her pale face, one across her nose, one over her left eye, and one from her left cheek to her neck. Her neck was decorated with more scars. Slashes, punctures, magic scarring... they layered over each other. Not an ounce of original skin was left, giving her an almost white marble look. It was a miracle that she didn't have more scarring on her head.
The figure had their hands behind their back, but Conrad could remember the poor woman's hands, scarred just as much as the rest of her. Then, there was the clothing. She was wearing a leather vest over a chain shirt, which itself was over the padded cloth colored in forest green that extended down her arms. Her shoulders had leather pads, above them was a fur mantle that was connected to a forest green cloak. On her arms, fur armguards kept her wrists protected from blade and cold. The chain mail ended in a small skirt, trailing just below her pelvis, alongside being held close to her with a leather belt with a small forest green strip of cloth on her left side.
Dark brown cloth pants lead down her skinny, underweight legs, leading to powerful, leather boots trimmed with fur and straps giving it a rigidity for combat and work. The boots had the smallest of heels, Conrad chuckled internally, seeing as his sovereign hadn't gotten over her five-six height and ninety-pound frame. Indeed, it seemed to be that their mysterious figure was none other than Rosa Grimbane the Undying, sovereign of Conrad and Chryssi.
"I'm glad to see you've made the journey, my Lady." Conrad remembered at the last moment that Rosa preferred being called 'my Lady'. She said before it felt less pretentious.
Rosa turned to him, looking into the silver pinpricks of Conrad's eyes. She had a small subdued smile at finding her long-time friend after so long. "Conrad," Her voice was gravelly and deep, nearing husky, "It's been so long. Three years or so since I've seen you."
Conrad nodded, moving down to one knee in deference. "Indeed it has. But you will be glad to know that I have been making allies for the kingdom." He looked back to see the guardians engage in combat with landed griffons that were stuck between angry ponies and undead griffons.
The necromancer heaved a small sigh. "Thank you. That makes some things much easier. Though, much else will still be hard." Her steely eyes were cast downwards, showing her inner turmoil. "My wife and daughter are missing."
If Conrad's eyes could've gone wide, they would've. "What? Do you know what happened?"
Rosa cast her gaze to Conrad once again, her cloak now flowing in the sea's wind. "Atropos. they have come to collect on their perfect weapon." She was referring to herself, the mysterious benefactor from beyond the stars when Rosa first became a necromancer. "It wants this planet and it's holding my wife and child hostage."
Conrad looked down to the grass of the land he called home for the past three years, looking back at his past exploits. Then he looked back up at his queen, the one that held absolute authority over him. He feared for this planet as he asked, "what will you do then?"
Rosa looked down at his kneeling form. A ghost of a smile passed her face. "We are going to stick it to that old god. I make my own rules, this will be no different. Something is attracting that old behemoth and that something has to go. I will get my wife and kid back." The wrath of a mother scorned.
Conrad nodded, standing. "Then, I suppose we have some work to do, don't we? I believe the first step is to meet the rulers of this land." He turned back to the fort at the sound of cheering. Victory. Equestria won the fight, the undead griffons falling to the ground, no longer animated.
Rosa watched the ponies celebrating with some small amount of amusement. Even still, the woman's emotions eluded her without her wife or child around. It was going to be a tough time without them. "Let's go see these little ponies then. Conrad?"
Conrad looked to her, nodding. "Yes, my Lady." Rosa began to follow after the skeleton, down towards the guard tower. As they neared, the guard stood on alert at the mysterious figure approaching alongside Conrad.
"Hold fire. Who is that?" The pony in the armor asked from the fort. He had suffered a small talon wound across his ear but shrugged it off.
Conrad cleared his non-existent throat. "This is Lady Grimbane. The one that animated those dead griffons in the attack."
"I suppose she's the one the princesses wanted?" Conrad gave a curt nod. "Get her back to the castle then. The carriage should be more than ready for you. Oh, your changeling is already in there, she was feeling sick from the combat."
Conrad nodded, leading her towards the carriage. Rosa sat down across from Chryssi, making sure her cloak was not caught under her legs. Chryssi looked up to the woman with no little awe. She was enamored with this figure, she was beautiful in the changeling's eyes. "I, who is this Conrad? Why does she feel so familiar?"
Rosa smiled lightly down at the undead Changeling. "Greetings little one. My name is Rosa Grimbane, soverign ruler over the undead. What might your name be?"
Chryssi suddenly realized who she was talking to and bowed. "I-I am Chryssi."
Rosa gave a slow nod, letting her braid bounce lightly. "Chryssi, such a beautiful name. It suits you." Chryssi blushed heavily, not only being complimented like this but also with how beautiful she thought Rosa was. The scars were art to her, art upon a pale canvas. Rosa smiled knowingly.
The carriage took off back into the air. Rosa had to admit that she was impressed. "This is great, makes me wonder why we never thought of this."
Conrad shrugged. "Well, you seemed to enjoy your own carriage. So no one really gave it more thought."
Rosa groaned in exasperation. "Of course. But... I could've made it to so many meetings if my carriage could fly." Chryssi then realized that Rosa was more than just a sovereign, she was as pony as the rest of Equestria. She noticed that Rosa never really held herself in a royal manner, even the fact that she spoke like a commoner. It was all strange, but Chryssi felt more than a little relieved that their sovereign wasn't some stuck-up or conceited ruler. Despite the fact that she heard Conrad speak nothing but praises, she had been still worried.
"My apologies Lady Grimbane. When we get back to our world, I'll have the research division look into it." Rosa gave a small nod, looking out the window at Fillydelphia. She felt a bit of wonder seeing such a massive metropolis just sitting there. It was always difficult to establish a town, much less a city, with all the weird and magical creatures out in the wilds.
The flight took an hour back to the castle where they docked back into the air hangar. Rosa simply had to comment, "A city on the side of the mountain? Reminds me of that one dwarven city to the north." Conrad gave a nod. "Anyways, let's go see the rulers of this land of talking ponies."
Conrad led his ruler upwards, back to the princess's war room. Rosa, Conrad, and Chryssi found the two hunched over maps, hashing out hypothetical situations and finding the appropriate responses. Conrad led first. "Hello pretty little princesses, we are back."
The two of them looked up to find Rosa, hands behind her back in a polite manner. "Who is that Conrad? Why does she feel... like us?"
Conrad presented his sovereign. "This is Rosa Grimbane, the sovereign I have been speaking to you about."
The two diarchs looked over to Rosa, taking her in. "Apolgies Mrs. Grimbane. I wish we could've given an ally of equestrian a warmer welcome."
Rosa gave a shrug. "Not the first time I woke up to being thrust into the middle of combat. But nonetheless, the thought is appreciated."
Luna gave a nod, stepping forward to the powerful necromancer. "It is our pleasure to welcome you to Equestria Mrs. Grimbane."
"Please, Lady Grimbane works best for me," Rosa commented.
"Then Lady Grimbane it will be," Celestia said with a bit of amusement.
Rosa smiled, however small it was, at Celestia and Luna, the sisters of sun and moon. "I have a distinct feeling that we are going to get along great.
Rejoice, for the queen has arrived.
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A woman can already see reason where there is none. She doesn't need to be mad.
Don't know how to feel about the ending
Looking forwards to any sequels and/or prequel to this story.
Honestly, the ending here was pretty disappointing.
Now, I hope you take this as constructive criticism, but I'm going to go over what I felt were pros and cons to this story. I'll start with the pros.
Pros:
World building:
The idea of undead as laborers for the living is refreshing. It's not something new to me as I have seen it before, but it is a nice change compared to how most use them, so it's always refreshing to see.
The building up of the kingdom Conrad served and the beginning diplomatic negotiations was all good, and I liked that. I really would've liked to have seen more of it throughout the story.
Undead puns:
They're corny, groan-worthy, and all that, but still amusing, and Conrad was consistent about them, and consistency is always good in a story.
Bard as MC:
Not done often, and nice to see, although I would've liked to see him playing his instrument more purely to play it. What is a bard without their music?
Now onto the Cons:
Story flow/pacing:
For as short as the story is, it suffered a lot of flow/pacing issues. (Note: Anything less than 150,000 words is short to me.) We went from surprise skeleton in the closet, to diplomatic negotiations, to attempted assassinations, to necromantic resurrections, to Nobility machinations, to War preparations, to undead monarch conniptions. That's a lot of shifting of story direction in less than 30,000 words. It's all over the place and makes for a very.... disjointed read and made me as a reader feel rather disconnected from it.
Honestly that much shifting around would've been better for a story five times it's length if you were going to go over all these different kinds of plot points. For less than 30,000 words, I think it would've been better if you'd significantly expanded on the initial diplomatic negotiations and founding of Conrad's power base within Equestria.
Rosa's Wrath:
This is what makes this last chapter so bad. She went from an interesting ruler as Conrad had described her to just another wrathful tyrannical evil overlord in the span of 500-ish words. Such a waste. Not only that, but what's her first action when we actually see her? To kill Conrad, who was supposed to be one of her first awakened and one of most loyal followers and allies, who protected her while she was unconscious for three days. But nope, let's crush his head and kill him instead, for no apparent reason other than "Rar! I'm mad!" This becomes an even bigger problem when you remember Chryssi. Conrad specifically stated previously her life was tied to his when he resurrected/reanimated her. So with his death, she suddenly dies as well. "Why thank you Conrad for following my orders and reviving the worthy and building these diplomatic ties. Your reward for 140 years of service is death."
Being enraged at the disappearance of one's spouse or child is all well and good, but taking it out on your loyal subordinates doesn't solve any problems. Why did she not contact him via messenger first? OR by spell? With her power she could've probably used something like telepathy to contact him instantly to find out of he knew anything. Why murder camps of ponies and griffins who know virtually nothing about you or your spouse? This is more than spur-of-the-moment rage, this is continuing effort to just be destructive when you ought to be using your brain. You might find your spouse easier if you use that intelligence and logic instead of throwing a temper-tantrum, your majesty.
And you killed the main story at the very end for.. really no reason at all. We watched his efforts, everything he was attempting, all for nothing. That is a serious let-down as a reader.
So I can't really recommend this story. The disjointed flow of the story followed by that end just doesn't make it something I can say is worth the effort to read to others.
11056363
I seriously thank you for the long review. It has helped open my eyes to what should have been glaring problems in my story. It is so refreshing to see an honest and serious review on this website.
let's go over these points one by one.
I thank you for your thoughts. The idea came from a few green texts on 4chan about 'good' necromancers and eventually stemmed into creating my own 'good' necromancer. I always loved finding the good in what most others find to be evil. Not to mention that I have always loved necromancy.
I have many more where that came from
Yes, it is quite rare to see a bard in these stories as the main character. Usually, they are supporting and side characters. I didn't have him play just to play because there just wasn't enough story to do so, which leads right into the next point.
I was extremely burnt out from writing. Honestly, I should've waited and recovered before continuing into something a bit longer. Only god knows I had enough ideas at the time. But I didn't, I felt some sort of self-imposed timeline like I needed it finished a month ago. It was a serious mistake and I wish I could've just kept going. But my worries and fears about not being good became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Finally, the last and most important bit. The end. I was hoping that throughout the story, you would've realised how great of a ruler and how Kind Rosa was. That she was fair to the living and unliving. Then at the end, show that something was SERIOUSLY wrong with her to make her act like this The entity in the journal chapter that contacted her.which would lead to the sequel from Rosa's own POV. I am so incredibly sorry that the story was unable to get that across to you despite my best efforts. I will do my damnedest with the sequel to do better.
My closing thoughts are that I still have a ton of improvement to do and I will likely stay as an amateur writer. It's been clear to me since the beginning that I'm not exactly good at writing. My ADHD causes me to have a million thoughts a minute and only so much time to write. It is not my excuse, nearly a retrospective of myself. I aim to continue improving myself before the sequel and give myself a longer timeframe to do my story so I can do it right. Again, I sincerely appreciate the review and will take it to heart when I write in the future. Thank you so much for the help and outside perspective and I hope you have a great day.
11056775
I'm glad it was a help. It was my hope I would come across as offering constructive feedback and not just griping.
There is a light novel / anime series entitled "Overlord" that you may be interested in if you've not heard of it before. It is an Isekai setting if you are familiar with those. His goal is to build a utopia where all races can live equally, and he uses undead as labor in his endeavors. He's not a "good guy" (being undead now his emotions are suppressed), but he does want the best for those under his protection.
Glad to hear, though with Condrad dead (again), who will throw as a bone for dead puns?
I think there was room. It never even has to be anything big. He could've merely been playing in a chair while relaxing on a balcony when someone walks in, or perhaps at a party he spun a bardic tale for the amusement of the audience (and winning himself some good PR in the process). I never had to be a big event, but little bits here or there to add small bits of flavor.
We are our own worst enemies. I would recommend getting an editor or two in the future if you can. It can help to have them to bounce ideas off of for what works and what doesn't work, and help catch things like typos and plot holes and help smooth out story flow before you publish.
I did perceive her as kind and fair to the living and unliving, which is why her behavior in the final chapter was so jarring. There was no indication beforehand something was wrong, no notification from her, no messages from other servants about odd behavior, she just suddenly showed up and was unhinged. It was a very jarring thing that really threw off the story. If I had to draw a comparison, if you were playing a Dungeons and Dragons campaign, and had been for quite a while. You have a long-established party and then suddenly a party member suddenly did something that was completely out of character, throwing off both the players and the DM it was such a jarring move. And possibly ending the campaign right there because it was such a disruptive stunt. It's different if you can see the signs in advance as a player, but when it's something that neither the players nor the DM see happening, it's just... not good, RP/story wise. In this example, Rosa is the Lawful good (or at least lawful neutral) Paladin who suddenly decided to backstab the cleric for no apparent reason.
We never stop improving. It's a lifelong journey.
One thing I may suggest, and I'm honestly not sure how well it will work but maybe it might help, is carry around a little notepad. Any time you get an idea, just jot it down. Then when you have time later, you can remember it and expand on it some more while your focus is there. And if your focus slips, just go do something else for a while until you come back to it. Keep adding small bits here and there, tweaking as you go. And here again is where an Editor could help. You could use them as a sounding board to bounce ideas off of and they could give you some feedback.
I don't think you necessarily have to have the entire story fleshed out when you begin. You can have your ideas for the start and the finish in your mind, but just write each section as you go until it feels complete, then move on to the next part. It's not the beginning or end of a trip, but the journey between the two that matters most. Such as, hmm... Do you remember how you begin or end a vacation the most, or everything you did in-between?
Hope this helps.
Aww I was enjoying Conrad’s nonsense. To seem him go an his sovereign that he spoke so highly of go mad after being told she was such a kind person sucks. I am unsure if I will read the sequel as there’d be no Conrad anymore but this was an enjoyable story non the less. I also do whole heartedly agree with Abitterpill’s thought on Rosa. Ya had us such an interesting tale of her just to have her kill one of her first an most loyal friends. I’ve read your response to his in it but it still is such a let down instead of having him figure out why he just poofs outta existence cause mad sovereign for supposed death/disappearance of her wife Tis a big let down. I’m glad he was able to give ya good constructive criticism and he has made all the points that I noticed as well. As I stated I don’t think I’ll read the sequel but I do appreciate the good read you made here even if it was a little all over its better then a lot ive seen in the past. So thanks for the awesome read an i hope to see you keep on improving as a writer.
11133976
Yeah, I get the feeling that I wasn't able to give the ending the exact feeling I was hoping for. I was hoping for a sense of mystery, the 'why did this have to happen' sort of thing. But... I seem to have severely failed. I am probably going to rework the ending before I do the next story. I might even add a few chapters here and there, maybe an after story as well with a few shenanigans, a few snapshots of daily life with a skeleton bard sort of thing. Conrad will return in all his bony glory since people seem to like him so much, and he will return to Rosa's side.
11134644
Oh? If Conrad is coming back then Tis possible I would read that. And ya I’d say do rework the ending and if ya can fill in the gaps it would most certainly give the story a more coherent feel to it. Glad to see ya actual take what people say instead of kinda just ignoring it thus allowing ya to improve as a writer! Keep up the awesome work!