• Member Since 21st May, 2016
  • offline last seen October 16th


I'm making a story after years of not doing that. If I stop making it you have permission to hunt me down in real life.


You wake up in an unfamiliar place. It is a warm and cheerful place. It is a place filled with friends. Something feels empty. Something feels wrong. You seclude and distract yourself. You master new skills. Perform great works. Earn the fear and adoration of those around you. Something still feels empty. Something still feels wrong. Maybe it's the new world. Maybe it's the loss of your old one. Maybe it's something inside you. Maybe it's something you can unlearn. Maybe it's something so fundamental you can never get rid of it. Maybe it's just a feeling, passing along on a breeze, that stuck to you as you walked by.

I have had this thing inside me for two years now just sorta fermenting and now I'm evacuating it onto paper with my two human arms that I own. It tells the tale of a man named Johnathan Siegsmith who finds himself in an unfamiliar world, uses his knowledge to further himself, and comes to know despair.

The biggest and most recent inspirations for this story, respectively, are Steel Sanctuary by writefag_is_kill and Isolation by Rimmy.

Chapters (17)
Comments ( 89 )

- Old
- Done Before
- I don't know how to do it

- Bold
- Exciting
- No Comment

Color me very interested in this. I look forward to further chapters. Also, that squiggly thing on the Swiss Army knife is a corkscrew.

Not the corkscrew. Mine has the phillips screwdriver where the corkscrew would normally go. It's sort of a little metal bar with one wavy edge and two short, rounded prongs.

Can you find a picture of it? I don't think I have seen this before.

Looks like a leather/cloth working tool. I have never seen something like that before.

The larger of the two, a small purple unicorn with terrifyingly large eyes, cleared its throat, looked into my eyes, and said "Thee fuck are youuu" in a forced, overly emphasized tone.

Did she really say that?

In response the horse excitedly muttered something to its reptilian companion before gesturing to itself and saying <Twilight Sparkle>. It wasn't a name I was familiar with but it rolled off the tongue easily enough and, more importantly, it established pointing at random objects as a method of communication. Now I just had to see if I could get some sort of drawing implement and we'd be a solid most of the way to crossing the language barrier.

Wait, I thought he couldn’t understand her.

As alien as they were they at least seemed to use the same basic emotional cues so I guess that's score one for panspermia.

I don’t know what that mean.

I might never see the person I loved again.


Thankfully it seemed like, while there was more of the town farther away, the three was basically right next to the main part of it.

Is he talking about the towns?


Where is he even planning on going?


Did she really say that?

Yes. One of my favorite scifi tropes is when there's a human and an alien and one says something in reaction and the other assumes it's a greeting. This is that.

Wait, I thought he couldn’t understand her.

He can't. I even mentioned in that quote that he hadn't crossed the language barrier.

I don’t know what that mean.

Panspermia, specifically hard panspermia, is the idea that life on lots of different planets was all started from the same basic place or lifeform. The idea is that, since he assumes her to be an alien but she displays extremely earthling-like emotional cues, there's likely a reason for that such as a common biological origin.


Most humans have loved ones. I'll talk about them when they become relevant.


Is he talking about the towns?

That's a legitimate typo on my part. It should say tree, specifically the Golden Oaks Library which is clearly in the town but also just has empty rolling hills behind it sometimes so I put it sorta on the edge of town. It should be fixed now.


My Little Human: Technology Isn't Magic. It's like HFY but in horse world.


That big city he saw on a mountain. Specifically Canterlot.

Wait, if he didn’t cross the language barrier how did he get Twilight’s name?

Also, I don’t know what HYF is.

I'll have to find a better way to show it but he doesn't know what her name means. He just knows the sounds it is.

HFY is a subgenre of scifi stories about humans being cool, created as a backlash to a lot of science fiction where humans are presented as the generic baseline species. It stands for "Humanity Fuck Yeah!". MLH:TIM is more specifically about humans being in Equestria and using their superior technical knowledge to either revolutionize equestria, overcome their lack of magic, or accomplish their various personal goals. My original note was because that's the first explicit sign that later parts of this story will focus more on creative (and sometimes stupid or overengineered) solutions to problems.

What do you mean by “he knows what it sounds like”?



He knows how to say her name because she said it but he doesn't know that her name translates as "twilight sparkle".

So he’s just repeating what she says?

Alright, so, it turns out the wagon idea may have been a bit ambitious for my current set of tools and skills.

Where’d he get the wagon from?

It's not a wagon. He spent several days making a walled board that he was going to turn into a wagon, got to the wheels part, and realized the folly of his ways. He then decided to reuse his failed work by nailing a couple pieces of wood on the bottom as rails.

Maybe he can make a sling rock weapon

It must suck to be in a place that doesn’t speak your language.

With the might of stick throwing nearly mastered all Equestria shall soon kneel before their new Alien Overlord.

Is the rabbit the one fluttershy keeps

Well, at least he might make it.

Unfortunately, I doubt it.

That could be interesting but he's a bit too far out of town for that.

So, he has to learn to be more friendly?

I honestly would have tried to sneak out while they were arguing.

Also, what the difference between a spear and a spear thrower?

Eh, HFY is a total turn-off for me, but I'll give this a read.

HFY always feels like some jackasses showing up thinking about how these primitives need some updating, and then the story just seems to make it so that's the case. Bit too 'manifest destiny' for my tastes, as if they haven't been doing fine and 'advancing' at a safe pace on their own for longer than the new arrivals' family trees have existed.

A spearthrower is a tool used to throw a spear farther and faster than can be done with a human arm.

Every city has a nice side and a less nice side. The ratios might vary, as does the local definition of nice, but it's a pretty natural consequence of how cities tend to work. Never before, however, have I seen a difference so severe. It's not that the less wealthy side of the city was bad in any sense of the word, it was nicer than a lot of New York, but anything looks dark next to the sun.

What does he mean by that?

I'd also seen a handful of griffons working the docks and even a couple stranger creatures amongst the crowds. More than just somewhere familiar, it was somewhere I could stay.

Wait, when does this take place? Also, what does he mean by familiar?

The dock area isn't that bad but looks a lot worse because it's next to the most opulent settlement ever devised.

The library is still intact so some time before it got destroyed. I haven't seen the show in, oh, 5 or 6 years so the order of events might be a bit off but I think they always had a few weird minority species.

It feels like a relatively modern earth city and so is a lot more familiar as a setting than a fairy tale village or the comically fancy areas closer to the castle.

Once I learn a little of the language (although I'll want to keep whatever a human accent is for this part) and make a little money I can make some stupid outfit, carve some people in other weird outfits, and make up a story of their power or importance to sell them for way too much.

Human Accent?

At this point I'm debating just taking characters from movies and tv shows but I think that might be a bit cruel.

I don’t see how.

Certainly more severe than swiping a couple tools and some food. I'll have to think it over before I go ahead.

Well, I ended up doing the crime. Not sure if it was worth it though.

How long did it take him to think about it?

Also, where is celesta? You’d think a human living in canterlot would grab her attention.

Most people have an accent when they learn a new language.

It's the principle of the thing.

Not very long.

She probably would want to know about a new species but I don't think Johnny's made a big enough fuss yet for her to hear about it beyond "oh, they saw another monster in Ponyville for the fifth time this month".

Principal would refer to a person in charge of a school.

My bad, I meant What do you mean by principle?

When something is described as cruel, or any other adjective for that matter, "on the principle of the thing" it means as an inherent quality, unrelated to it's actual consequences. Conceptually selling someone myths and legends for too much money feels less cruel than selling cartoon characters as cartoon characters for too much money.

Still don’t get it. Maybe because I have different morals?

Seems as fine an explanation as any.

I decided to treat myself a little and get a donut for a few bits, and can I say it was the best damn donut I've ever had, but I'd like to save the rest.

Almost all food is better in equestria.

I can't hold a conversation yet but total immersion works surprisingly quickly, even for someone like me who only interacts with ponies for a few hours a day.


I just remembered libraries existed. God knows how I've managed to survive this long with a memory like that.

Don’t worry I do that all the time.

Also, has twilight not notice he is gone?

But Donut Joe's far exceeds even that standard.

"Total immersion" refers to learning a language by either recieving instruction only in that language or, as in this case, living somewhere that speaks that language. It's not the easiest way to learn a language but it is one of the fastest.

Of course. Currently she's operating under the assumption that he was just one of the countless strange and unique monsters that just sorta show up in ponyville all the time but it'll come up later.

So he makea cash by making little wooden statues?


Your best bet at learning the language was staying in the freaking tree-house where they actually tried to teach it to you. Ditto for access to a library, lol.

Enjoying this fic's subtle irony of the dumbass MC constantly shooting himself in the foot.

I just realized why the the name of the story is “The Little Wooden God”.

Still, a few day's practice at the library and the constant conversation around my table means I'm making good progress. I'm farther ahead with this than any language I had to learn in school.

For some reason I’m not surprised.

I have been helped along by a few... coincidences, though.


I know there's all sorts of weird space magic involved but it still seems kinda convenient.

Space magic?

Best not to look a gift horse in the mouth though.

What does that mean?

A lighter isn't exactly ideal for this sort of thing, I'd much rather have my pocket torch from back home, but it looks like my camping experience held through.

What’s a pocket torch?

Pocket torch is a basically a lighter right but the tip is longer just Google it.

I did, but it talked about a flashlight.

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