When I first got out of the forest and to that gate I almost felt like I was stepping into a dream. After days of struggling in the forest the sight of an overwhelmingly opulent fairy tale castle, and the similarly styled if somewhat more functional gate in front of it, was so unlike anything I'd seen so far. Yeah I'd seen it in the distance or through the trees but the experience is totally different up close. As I would later learn there was a proper city behind it, especially on the other side of the palace, but on this side regulations kept the houses and shops that existed from spoiling the view almost entirely to create that experience. To guarantee an unbelievable first impression. As I walked across the drawbridge and knocked on the gate I felt almost like a character in a book, entering some otherworldly fantastical realm.
This illusion was, however, almost immediately broken as the gate opened slightly and I was greeted with a strong looking unicorn stallion wearing the customer service face. You know the one. The face you make when you're not allowed to look sad or upset but you can't quite bring yourself to smile. Also shining golden roman armor but the face was what struck me first. It was also immediately backed up by his gruff voice.
<Please state your name and business in the city.> His voice was stiff and devoid of emotion, the words flowing from his mouth less as a statement and more as a memorized series of sounds.
Letting out a sigh as I realized I would once again be unable to navigate even this presumably routine conversation, I decided to make a strong first impression and responded with "Hey, I'm a weird alien from another dimension. Cool to meet you."
Either he also didn't understand me or this was a routine occurrence. He turned to someone unseen and called out <Hey, Argent? We've got another weird one. You take 'em in and I'll call another translator> Then, without waiting for a response, he turned and gestured for me to follow him. Noting the sharpness of the spear on his back I grabbed my sled and immediately complied.
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You'd think it's pretty impossible to question someone without knowing their language and, well, you'd be right. To be honest, though, I wish you weren't because then they wouldn't have had to bring out that thing. At first it seemed like they were just bringing me in for some normal questions and needed a translator. Then, as the first few translators failed, the mood started to sour and the ponies they brought in seemed more... academic. They were generally older and the marks on their flanks started to resemble ancient tomes and scrolls or even, in one case, stone carvings. I couldn't understand the questions but as the day wore on they got more intense and seemed less like "can I see your visa?" and more like "where the fuck are you from?"
Then, their reasonable options presumably exhausted and their theories likely drifting towards me being an alien or extradimensional invader, they brought her in. She seemed a relatively young unicorn, her cream colored coat smooth and well-groomed and her pale blue mane was neatly combed and tied back into a ponytail, but her featured were stern and hardened and her eyes seemed far older than her face betrayed. The mark on her flank, which I had come to understand as a sort of job identifier, was a leather-bound book wrapped in chains held with a heart-shaped lock. She pulled in a cart alongside her and, with it's entrance, all but one of the guards in the room muttered an excuse and fled. On the cart was a roughly fist-sized stone sphere, appearing at first unremarkable. As it I looked closer, though, I noted an almost opalescent sheen to the gray surface. The guard acted like it was radioactive and, as the unicorn lifted it into the air with her magic and floated it between us, I quickly learned why. It wasn't painful, exactly, but I could feel it looking into me. Looking into all my thoughts and experiences and biases like it was reading an index. Looking into all the things, I realized, that gave my words meaning.
"I'm sorry that we had to do this but it seems like the university has gotten interested in you and we do need something to put in our records." The guard's voice was low and apologetic but, for the first time in weeks, I could understand him. "Now, could you please tell us what your business in the city is and, uh..." He looked to the unicorn mare who gave him a short nod. "What exactly you are?"
"Uh, hello there. My name is Johnathan. I can get to your questions in a second but what are you... doing to me?" I was more than a little stunned as I struggled to fit words together.
The guard winced and seemed about to explain something before being rather rudely cut off by the mare. "I'm sure you wouldn't understand any of the technical details so I'll make it simple. The ball lets you hear us and us hear you. Now, could you please answer this colt's questions? I was just attending to some very important studies when you got me called in here." I don't know why her accent was translated as Received Pronunciation but I won't say it didn't fit.
"Right, right. Well, uh, my name is Johnathan and I'm looking to move in." I managed to force what I hoped was a normal smile.
"And in regards to the stallion's inquiry as to what you might be?" Her words were fast and precise, and at this point it seemed more like she was conducting the questioning than the guard.
"Oh, right, right. I'm a human. You probably don't have those here but we're normally pretty cool." Not my best introduction to the species but at least the conversation was moving.
At this point the guard, apparently annoyed at his complete loss of control, stepped forwards. "And what about the various spears we found in your sled? Planning to make much use of them in the city?"
"Woods are scary." Nailed it.
"I suppose they are but it's still not something a normal citizen is supposed to be carrying around, especially with those new monster reports that came in from Ponyville a few weeks ago." Okay, maybe not nailed it. I'll have to try a different strategy.
"Well how exactly was I supposed to know that? It's not like I could ask anyone what I was supposed to be carrying."
"Well, that is true, but I'll still need to confiscate them." It's not a win but it's as close as I think I could get. Now I just have to get them to finish this up. Looking over at the unicorn mare she was visibly sweating and somehow seemed pale despite being covered in fur. Whatever magic she needed to do to keep this up was clearly tiring her out.
"If that's everything than I'm sure you both have very important places to be. I'll just take the rest of my stuff and get going."
"Now hold on, I still had a couple more questions to-" Before he could finish the sentence the unicorn mare cut him off.
"Now hold on, there's no need to waste this creature's time any longer. You've got what you need for a routine report, yes?" The words were so palpably venomous that one wonders how much earlier a less strong-willed pony would have simply snapped at the guard to fuck off.
"With all due respect ma'am this isn't exactly a routine situation." He, though, seems to have walked past the warning signs to poke the tiger.
"With all due respect? With all due respect? I'm not sure what they're teaching you in that guard academy but do you really think the respect due to one of my position consists of dragging me away from my work to question some unwashed ape, using me as a magical battery, and forgoing any mention of proper titles or decorum? Does that sound like the respect I am due?" And so the tiger leaps from it's perch in the jungle's branches, revealing it's predatory nature.
"I'm sorry, professor, but I have a very important job to do here so if you'll just allow me to ask it a few more questions" Too late he turns to flee from the beast's den, it's jaws already around his throat.
"Oh, so now you'd like a proper job done, is that it? Tell me, since you seem to have a pretty good grasp on the situation, why filling out the dozenth entry form today is so much more important than revolutionary thaumaturgical research? The crown is almost certainly putting quite a bit more funding towards my work than the dingy little hovel you call a guard house so I suppose you must consider yourself to have some special insight the princesses lack. Until, however, you can convince them of that fact I have things to attend to besides annoying every ape that wanders by the gate." With that she turned with a huff, taking the cart and orb with her. I had gotten used to it being there but with it's piercing gaze present I almost breathed a sigh of relief as the feeling of being exposed dissipated.
<Wait, I... Uh...> The translation magic may have been gone but I didn't think I needed it to understand the look on his face as he stared at the closed door.
He gave an exasperated sigh and turned back to me. <Well, I guess I do have enough for a basic report. I'd still like to get a bit more information but I think you're free to go at this point.> He stood up, opened the door, and motioned to follow him with one of his hooves.
We came out a different way than we came but eventually arrived at my sled, minus the spears but thankfully still including the spearthrower I had worked so hard to make, sitting outside what I assumed was the rear exit to the guard building. With my escort walking back into the building I grabbed the sled and began making my way into the city itself.