OrsurostheDragon
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- TheEveryDaySparkle · 4.4k words · 30 12 · 1.9k views
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It's uncommon to see clothing play plus feral creatures. What you have here is very good. More plz.
Alright. So I've been reading this story to see how things go since the premise is interesting enough. It makes sense in a society where no one wears clothing, the idea of wearing clothing could be seen as a turn on.
Smolder is written like she's very open to the idea of sex, to the point all Ocellus would have to do is ask her "You wanna bang?" and Smolder would say yes without so much as a second thought.
Now, onto the more difficult part of this comment. Like I said I've been reading since the beginning, and I can't help but notice you seem to mention Ocellus' name a great many times throughout the chapter. Sometimes multiple times in the same paragraph. Take the following for example:
Three mentions all in the same paragraph, at a rate of almost once per sentence. Almost like it's believed the audience is going to forget who the subject of focus is about in the span of a single sentence if they're not constantly reminded. There's just no need for that; not when the scene is being presented from Ocellus' perspective, or when there's not a lot of dialogue between different characters to keep track of.
The same paragraph flows a lot better if done like this:
It's not a major change, just a couple of words, but it just reads a little more naturally.
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I always doubt myself on the issue you pointed out, so feedback like that is great! I'll try out some changes like that and go for more smoothness over absolute clarity.
So Ocellus wants to be bold and dominant over Smolder? What better way than endlessly pleasure her?
Thought Ocellus would go for Plan B.
Weddings are always fun to see,
How about a couples chapter of their active sex life?
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I'll definitely consider adding it as a bonus.
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Or on a different side story.
This story reminds me a lot of the story 'Involuntary Voyeur... which is a good thing indeed!
Also great how open they are without being childish or having blunt conversations. Rather casual. It simply makes sense for their respective races!!
:)
Would love a sequel!
Lovely story.
Interesting use of magic too..
Hope it's an open marriage 😜