Alright. So I've been reading this story to see how things go since the premise is interesting enough. It makes sense in a society where no one wears clothing, the idea of wearing clothing could be seen as a turn on.
Smolder is written like she's very open to the idea of sex, to the point all Ocellus would have to do is ask her "You wanna bang?" and Smolder would say yes without so much as a second thought.
Now, onto the more difficult part of this comment. Like I said I've been reading since the beginning, and I can't help but notice you seem to mention Ocellus' name a great many times throughout the chapter. Sometimes multiple times in the same paragraph. Take the following for example:
The next two weeks went by both very quickly and very slowly. Whenever Ocellus was in class with Smolder, it seemed to go by very quickly. Ocellus noticed Rarity looking over Smolder during class, as if imagining the dragon in the dress. Ocellus kept imagining how cute it would be, but she kept her emotions about it contained. Silverstream always seemed to notice any excitement and wouldn’t give up until she found out what was causing it. And involving the hippogriff would make it even harder for Smolder to open up.
Three mentions all in the same paragraph, at a rate of almost once per sentence. Almost like it's believed the audience is going to forget who the subject of focus is about in the span of a single sentence if they're not constantly reminded. There's just no need for that; not when the scene is being presented from Ocellus' perspective, or when there's not a lot of dialogue between different characters to keep track of.
The same paragraph flows a lot better if done like this:
The next two weeks went by both very quickly and very slowly for Ocellus. Whenever she was in class with Smolder, it seemed to go by very quickly. She noticed Rarity looking over Smolder during class, as if imagining the dragon in the dress. She also kept imagining how cute it would be, but she kept her emotions about it contained. Silverstream always seemed to notice any excitement and wouldn’t give up until she found out what was causing it. And involving the hippogriff would make it even harder for Smolder to open up.
It's not a major change, just a couple of words, but it just reads a little more naturally.
10358009 I always doubt myself on the issue you pointed out, so feedback like that is great! I'll try out some changes like that and go for more smoothness over absolute clarity.
Alright. So I've been reading this story to see how things go since the premise is interesting enough. It makes sense in a society where no one wears clothing, the idea of wearing clothing could be seen as a turn on.
Smolder is written like she's very open to the idea of sex, to the point all Ocellus would have to do is ask her "You wanna bang?" and Smolder would say yes without so much as a second thought.
Now, onto the more difficult part of this comment. Like I said I've been reading since the beginning, and I can't help but notice you seem to mention Ocellus' name a great many times throughout the chapter. Sometimes multiple times in the same paragraph. Take the following for example:
Three mentions all in the same paragraph, at a rate of almost once per sentence. Almost like it's believed the audience is going to forget who the subject of focus is about in the span of a single sentence if they're not constantly reminded. There's just no need for that; not when the scene is being presented from Ocellus' perspective, or when there's not a lot of dialogue between different characters to keep track of.
The same paragraph flows a lot better if done like this:
It's not a major change, just a couple of words, but it just reads a little more naturally.
10358009
I always doubt myself on the issue you pointed out, so feedback like that is great! I'll try out some changes like that and go for more smoothness over absolute clarity.