- Member Since 25th Nov, 2019
- offline last seen April 18th
arandomboi12
Saved the day, the night, and the girl too.
arandomboi12
Joined 25th Nov, 2019 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Issues so far.
1. Please don't use pics to show what the character looks like or is doing something, instead try to describe what they look like. This is a young boy afterall, he would be alot smaller, possibly shorter or equel height with the ponies
2. Don't like how the character accepts his new reality so quickly and is willing to help because a voice said so. You need to make them act more human, make them have more of a disbelief.
3. I don't recall the suit having the option to calm down its host, so I assume its part of his Displacement
4. Changes shape into... what? I think what you meant to type, was how the cannon can open up to allow the missile. Its basically three hatches that opens up to reveal the missile launcher
5. Don't use the / as that is not something you can say in real life and it would be silly to say "Dad slash shining!"
6. That kind of bothers me, spear? I mean if they're on a ship, shouldn't it be a little more high tech, like a energy gun, a rifle?
7. Tink? The fusion suit is thinner, there is less armor there. It'd be more like there being a gleam of energy moving over the suit, aka the Energy Tanks fueling the suit.
8. "Grabbing" the parasite? No. Going near it would cause the parasite to attack, but upon hitting Samus, it would slowly be absorbed, alot like how water is absorb into a sponge, but in slow motion with the parasite thrashing about in panic.
9. "Turns to look at you" Why is the reader suddenly involved as if they're in the story? Change this to where it's looking at the main character or the group.
10323104
It's possible that last one is cause SA-X did that exact same thing in the game first appearance. And it was far away from Samus at the time cause she'd be most likely dead otherwise if it was anywhere near the room she was in when it shows up ingame. Cause relentless pursuit and needing to find a way to escape it til it leaves or can't follow til later. Chances are same rule applies.
I don't know how to feel about this story so far.
10323249
But that's a cut-scene from the video game, sure, it looked at the player, but that's only one time and may have been more of a scare than actual awareness, especially when it never used that awareness of the player to find Samus.
10323311
True, though maybe the same rules apply here? A cutscene for spooky dramatic effect.
10323629
It wouldn't have the same effect. It just looks awkward in text form.
Good chapter
You really good at drawing
10323104
Thanks for your opinions and criticism. The reason he is so calm is because Samus' Power Suit requires superhuman levels of concentration and mental determination to operate efficiently. Due to years of training with the Chozo, Samus learned how to control her emotions and maintain the Suit's use for long periods of time.
I love the plot just reading it brings a smile .u my frand r inspire with your plot it not common I do say so.
10326615
But this person isn't Samus. Is it?
Are you going to finish this story
do more
Kind of interesting to see what happens next.
Though, why does Chrysalis have to die horribly later on? Its disappointing she's going to be killed off there..
hay when will there be a new chapter
10737395
soon
I'm dealing with family problems right now.