During the Thousand Days' War, a Colombian conservative army soldier and a battle horse find themselves stranded in a new world that is even more chaotic than their own nation.
The three pony tribes are in a bloody civil war between them, as the daughters of King Cosmos and Queen Galaxia are the next to ascend the Unicorn throne. The wendigos in the far north are planning an invasion into the fertile land, and their biggest problem, the only thing that can defeat their king is an object from another world, Aaron's rod.
A quest that will define the future of Equestria forever.
Chapters (5)
Actually, Errors in dialogue would be more interesting since english isn't the MC's main language.
Deus vult against the Ottomans.
i.ytimg.com/vi/vdhF4O54YjU/maxresdefault.jpg
Oooh, I think this is the first Colombian fic on this site. I'll check it out.
aye, im half colombian never been to colombia before though
Never heard of this period, granted my knowledge of South American history is a bit lacking, but intrigued
Well, after reading the Author's Notes, glad to know I guessed correctly on the date (well, it was either that or the 1860's when both Colombia and Venezuela had their own civil wars, but the result of that Civil War is what lead Nueva Granada to rename itself into Colombia) and I remember Cipriano Castro (president of Venezuela between 1899-1908) aiding the Liberals in Colombia because he was a Liberal as well so you have done well your research.
Now, I have detected some grammar errors, here are some:
I usually don't believe in local myths.
I reach a zone that fairly looks like a plain covered in dead trees and small holes on the ground.
"Earth" is usually used to talk about the planet or below the ground, while the word "ground" is the one used to refer to soil we step on.
It's just another soldier digging on the earth.
"It's" is a simplified version. On this case, the word earth is used correctly.
Guessing who will end up winning these battles.
"Resolving" is about a problem being solved, "guessing" is about trying to figure out an outcome with too many unknown variables on the matter or when you aren't sure about the result.
but thanks to the complications of the traps, it slows the pace of the war for both sides.
"that would make me immortal, even if it doesn't makes sense to most of us."
"Most" also means "mayoría"/"majority".
I can hear how my companion is also running in the opposite direction.
it's full of flora that only makes moving through the terrain more difficult
releasing ashes and heat that, combined, produce a disgusting smell around the air
he slowly begins to take the rifle off his back, and begins to aim at me, but he didn't shoot
"Shot" is a past verb, "shoot" is the present verb.
I slip thanks to a small pond that was in front of me
but this is what I call the calm before the storm.
So far the story seems intriguing, you did a good job introducing our Main Character. Regarding the US' Southern Accent, there are videos showing how it works, I recommend to look for it just in case.
10186241
Only when talking to characters in a different language, otherwise, it would be preferable that the author makes his english well written and let the audience infer that he's speech is being translated for our understanding. Granted, it would also help if there's a visual hint of the languages changing whenever he needs to change it while letting us know when did he change the language.
10188286
En 1900, Venezuela estaba en su propia mini guerra civil causada por la guerra de los mil dias, ya que los revolucionarios centralistas Venezolanos se aliaron con el gobierno Colombiano, mientras el gobierno de Castro apoyo a los liberales Colombianos que se basaron en Santander.
Aqui esta el link para una de las batallas en Venezuela.
Básicamente, esa guerra fue la que causo la separación de Panama de Colombia, definió el estado centralista que Colombia tiene hasta hoy en día(también fue la que le dio el inicio a la "monarquía Colombiana," también definió el federalismo que es practicado hasta hoy en día en Venezuela, y también fue la que facilito la intervención de los raises extranjeros en Latinoamérica, siendo los Estados Unidos la que mas la practico porque ya no tenían que preocuparse por Colombia o Venezuela que iniciando el siglo XX tenían ejércitos respetados a nivel mundial.
Por esto paso las Guerras Bananeras, y el bloqueo naval a Venezuela en 1902, ya que las economías de estas naciones fueron devastados por la desunión de ambos países y los problemas que habían ascendido.
We are no longer in the desolated desert, but in a land that we could call at least 'fertile.' Cactuses, shrubs, flowers, and grass are growing on the barren sandstone, the hope of finding water makes, again, its way to give us hope.
What you originally wrote cold be translated to "nuestra fe", but the phrase "give us hope" (darnos esperanzas) is more appropriate since we aren't talking about religion itself.
The gryphon is curious at first glance but then throws an angry frown, "what are ya' lookin' at monkey and pony?"
Those are the grammar problems I noticed the most. Since you made an ominous ending, I won't complain/critique about how the story is progressing so far. I want to see how it develops.
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Wait, why Venezuela and Panama? If this was around the early 1900's it means that it happened during the dictatorship of Cipriano Castro and nothing in the books I've seen mentions how The thousand Years War influenced Venezuela.
EDIT: Never mind, already answered.
10188806
Gracias por la respuesta, muy útil y ayuda a saber cómo fue influenciada Venezuela por esta guerra.
Eso si, voy a agregar que el bloqueo naval fue más por culpa de Cipriano Castro que, a pesar de que había hecho una constitución que haría mucho más fácil cuidar la deuda pública al extranjero, se endeudó con los Alemanes y se negó a pagar, lo cual enojó a los Alemanes y lo usaron de excusa para invadirnos. Luego se le unieron los Británicos, media Europa, Estados Unidos y hasta México se unió al bloqueo.
Para ser justo, la gran deuda y debilidad económica que Venezuela tenía no la inició Castro, Venezuela ya la tenía por el corrupto gobierno de Joaquín Crespo (1884-1886; 1893-1897) hizo en su segundo mandato, lo cual dejó a Venezuela destruída económicamente, más las deudas que dejó Antonio Guzmán Blanco (que se debían pagar por hasta 99 años), Cipriano Castro tuvo que resolver una debacle económica que no era su culpa pero que él era demasiado temperamental para resolver a la final. Si no fuera por él, dudo mucho que el bloqueo hubiera pasado por que fue Castro el que enojó a (literal) todo el mundo, al final nadie lo quiso apoyar sino Argentina (por que rechazaba la idea de un gobierno bananero, pero no creo que apoyara a Castro) y Estados Unidos cuando vio que Europa se estaba empezando a pasar de la mano y que Alemania realmente estaba tratando de crear una colonia en Venezuela. De resto, dudo que alguien hubiera ido a su rescate.
Su peor legado fue Juan Vicente Gómez. Terrible presidente.
Que tenga un buen día.
10190728
Thanks bro, I am still looking for an editor and yesterday I published this chapter at last hour, going to be looking for grammar problems.
"Her composure is proud, as he notices the horn on her head, she is a unicorn. She also has beautiful hair that completely captivates the horse, with a rainbow colour, almost static, and beautiful at the same time. Her chest is covered by a golden chest plate with a purple gem on the centre of it, plus her hooves are covered on golden shoes. She is taller than the other ponies but not as tall as him, as she is of the same size as a normal pony on Earth."
She raises an eyebrow, "I am," her horn lights on while she looks at him with a frown, causing Dorado to back off a bit, "who else knoweth mine location Do-rado?"
Next time you need to translate what the main character is saying, you can either put it on the Author's Notes or within a parenthesis, to make it less confusing.
On a narrative standpoint, I've noticed that you are mixing the first person narration (Jose's) with the third person perspective and that would make the reading harder because it becomes confusing to know whose point of view are we following. I deeply recommend to either make clearer who is the one narrating or to make it a full third person narration.
Other than that, I have no more complaints with the story. Best wishes.
10191199
No problem.
During the medieval times, the Catholic Church recognized the idea of magic being a good thing but only if it came from God, so they tended to test out if it came Him. If they could verify that the magic was from God, then they had no problem with it.
Other than that, this story has a very nice pacing. Keep it up.
Discord always messing up with others....
English is not your first language