Bottled Up

After Starlight messes up the show enough times, Trixie decides to temporarily cut Starlight out of their magic act. Starlight goes to old methods to hide her emotions.

Chapters (3)

Chapter One: The Show · 29th Jan 2020 · 1,002 words
1,002
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Chapter Two: Too Many Emotions · 27th Feb 2020 · 1,052 words
1,052
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CHAPTER 999: STARLIGHT DIES · 2nd Apr 2020 · 207 words
207
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diablo4000

diablo4000 #1 · Feb 1st, 2020 · · · Chapter One: The Show ·

Uz Naimat

Uz Naimat #2 · May 13th, 2020 · · · Chapter One: The Show ·

This story was placed in the 'Please Read my Stories' group, under the 'I want help for my stories' folder. So, here goes.

I couldn't help but notice the slight problem with the italics. Whole phrases are being italicized when only a few words will do. For instance, this:

Trixie would've found this gesture endearing – her assistant paying absolutely no attention to the show, just to gawk at the Greatness and Powerfulness which she was, but the number of times which Starlight dozes off was almost reaching the double-digits... and Trixie really needs her bits .

It would be better like this:

Trixie would've found this gesture endearing – her assistant paying absolutely no attention to the show, just to gawk at the Greatness and Powerfulness which she was, but the number of times which Starlight dozes off was almost reaching the double-digits... and Trixie really needs her bits.

Small typos:

The pink pony's crestfallen mood didn't go unnoticed by Trixie – Starlight usually wasn't silent for this long, and the depressed look which she had on her face wouldn't stop bugging Trixie's poor heart. "Hey Starlight... best marefriends?"

Comma after the word "Hey".

Oh Celestia... the show!

Comma after the word "Oh".

She helplessly stared at the sky, and she couldn't help but whisper "I love you Starlight”.

Comma after the word "whisper".

Other than that, interesting story.

Uz Naimat

Uz Naimat #3 · May 13th, 2020 · · · Chapter Two: Too Many Emotions ·

Starlight eyes fixated on the scenery around her, as she tried containing her growing temper. Yet the thoughts of the show couldn't help but spoil her thoughts.

Starlight's eyes were fixated..."

She wasn't just embarrassed and hurt. She was furious.

Trixie

But she couldn't be madder at anyone than herself.

Oh no

She was bottling them.

There was no light red.

Starlight curled down to the floor in a fetal position, as the emotions took control of her. What can she do now?

These shouldn't be centered.

As the thoughts of what happened tonight flowed through her mind like an overflowing jet-stream, Starlights conflicted emotions dissipated into more sorrow and more dejection. She sighed unhappily as she walked inside Twilight's castle; her constant thoughts of Trixie making her unhappier and unhappier.

"Starlight's conflicted emotions..."

There was no doubt that Trixie was feeling just as miserable – It was evident the way Trixie's eyes simply refused to even look at Starlight's, and the complete shame in Trixie's dilated pupils the few times Trixie did look made Starlight feel like the worst marefriend in all of Equestria).

"...just as miserable - it was evident..." Also, an opening bracket is missing.

"Hey Starlight!" Twilight quickly appeared from library, a book hovering by her side, as she bounced jovially towards the distressed mare.

Comma after "Hey".

"Why're you home so early?" Twilight asked, "The show hasn't finished yet, right?"

Period after "asked".

“Starlight, am comfused,” She put on a voice, trying to make the other mare laugh to no avail, “Is this about Trix-”.

"Starlight, I'm confused..." Period after "avail".

This was definitely not how the day was supposed to go! Trixie and Starlight were supposed to perfect the show; then they could go backstage and let out their hoofmade fireworks; then they would return to their bedroom... and then...
She facehoofed herself. Why did she have to make Trixie upset like that? Now their entire day was ruined!

There is a slight problem with the paragraphing here.

It was supposed to be cheery – Today was supposed to be the greatest day in their entire relationship. Nothing like this!

"Today" should be in lowercase.

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