Remedy, She/Her, writing bad fanfics since 2011 and not stopping anytime soon.
The Alogos Archipelago is rich in culture and history, dating back just as far as Equestria itself. Stories of heroes, gods, and monsters litter the little islands and saturate the very lives of the ponies who live and thrive there.
Some legends are better left alone, and some mysteries are better left undiscovered.
[Contains a few scenes of light gore in later chapters.]
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I like the imagination of this story a lot. It's got a lot of the qualities that make Uncharted's stories great, but with the added twist of existing in a world full of magic. And ponies. I think you blended the treasure-hunter storyline into the world of MLP very well, and built an excellent world to play in. The magic seal in front of the tomb, for example, was a neat obstacle for the characters to overcome. The touches of language-related flair also added a lot to the scenery.
All that said, the narration didn't make reading this easy. It's over the tell-y, handhold-y deep end, with every part of Intrepid's inner workings explained outright. The easiest place to see this is in the dialogue. Every time two characters are talking, they say one line, then there's a whole paragraph of what Intrepid's feeling. Then another line, and a paragraph of a character performing an action. Another line, a paragraph of Intrepid's upcoming thought process. The dialogue gets no chance to flow.
Really, there's several paragraphs I could pick out that could be reduced pretty drastically, without changing what happened. Like these paragraphs... I hope you don't mind the scratches:
In my opinion, you really don't need any of that. As it is, your dialogue and your character expressions tell us what's happening perfectly well. We can tell she's warming up now that she's talking about her work, we can tell Intrepid enjoys talking to someone about their passion, etc. The reader isn't going to complain that they weren't warned how Intrepid would approach the conversation. If you were to apply this to the whole story, we're talking about thousands of words in savings.
Speaking of your characters, I like them a lot. They're distinct and unique, and they each play an important role in the plot. That said, I would rethink Strata's reactions to the things around her a little more. I get that she doesn't care about anything but her work, but even when she makes great advances in her work, she doesn't react too strongly. When they made it inside the tomb, for example, I was expecting her to contribute a little more fanfare to their success. Unless you want to go the full Maud, I recommend having her show a little more emotion during the scenes in the tomb.
The ending felt rushed. And gruesome. Seriously gruesome. Of course, this level of gore is very different from the Grogar in the show, but even putting that aside (it's fanfiction after all), it's different from everything we read leading up to it. If you want to be that gory, I recommend having something up front so that the reader knows what they're getting in to.
Thanks for writing!
I like how we see him unfold from the reader's point of view. He stops trying to be cheerful and actually becomes more natural in his conversation. And the dialogue didn't feel forced at all, which is very nice. Wonderful world building.
Oh. Oh my.
That's sad!
Hmm. Will say I didn't expect the ending. I only wish that there was more to this story and to Intrepid.