- Member Since 29th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen January 26th
Nicole Sunstone
Heehee! Hi! I'm just your ordinary mare who enjoys a good story or two~ Mostly I write stories for my lovely Feather Dancer, but sometimes I'm willing to share with you guys. ;)
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One of the contest judges chiming in for editorial thoughts.
Writing and grammar are decent here. I can tell you have some understanding of writing mechanics and so I don't have any massive criticisms there. Anything I could say would be smaller changes. That said, making a few editing passes to pare out the excess fat and work on showing/telling issues could be beneficial. There were several instances where you wrote something to the effect of 'She(Luna) thought, felt x'. Filtering words, basically.
One example: "Luna froze at the door, feeling her heart start to beat faster."
Saying she feels her heart beating faster is filtering the experience for the reader. You could have said:
"Luna froze at the door, her heart now slamming in her chest."
Or something else to that effect. Telling the reader that Luna is feeling something is often less effective than the prose simply expressing that feeling and allowing the reader to 'experience' it, essentially.
That said, there's always a time and place for filtering words too. Particularly if you don't need/want to focus on a scene or you're trying to quickly get through some narration or exposition or whatever.
As for the story itself it was fine. As an editor I probably would have encouraged you to cut some of the first third(when she's getting *to* the bath) and using that word space for the interactions between the sisters, and I don't mean the sex part, but rather the talking. If you allowed yourself a larger word count you could probably keep the first third.
But essentially I think that you touched on something interesting with how withdrawn Luna was being, and how Celestia was showing clear concern and interest with that. Rather than jumping into the sex shortly after, I think devoting some time to having Luna open up and talk things out with Celestia could have made the sex that's the follow feel a bit more natural. Essentially spending more time getting Luna to open up, and showing Celestia's concern and affection. The specifics of the conversation wouldn't even have to matter necesarrily, though if you could find a way to tie it to the sex that could've been great. Perhaps Luna's been sexually frustrated and on edge?
In any case its a solid effort.