Sisters in the Sky

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Comments ( 5 )

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Starlight Nova

Starlight Nova #1 · Apr 23rd, 2019 · · ·

Why not just use the Flitter and Cloudchaser tag?

Jamin P Rose

Jamin P Rose #2 · Apr 23rd, 2019 · · ·

9582413
Originally I thought that it would be good to have it come up if either was searched, but now it seems kind of silly.

clipclopurpornisaflop

clipclopurpornisaflop #3 · Apr 23rd, 2019 · · ·

Breakfast at eight? Work starting at twelve? What kind of night owl paradise is this?

A good story overall, although it did feel a bit rushed.

xRei

xRei #4 · May 4th, 2019 · · ·

Contest judge leaving some critical feedback.

I have two major things I'd encourage you to consider.

First off, the dreaded Lavender Unicorn Syndrom, aka using the definite article to refer to a character.

I know, I know, I get it. I'm guilty of this too and in fact most writers I know have been at some point. I understand the need for it, especially in fiction which includes same-sex characters in a scene. It's annoying to have to use proper nouns every time you need to change the target of a sentence and suchlike.. but for as annoying as these problems are, using definite articles all over your prose isn't the fix.

Basically, if you are inclined to write something like, 'The adverb adjective noun' to refer to a character, or 'her adjective adjective sister/brother/mom/whatever' when a character is referencing another character... that's a good time to step back and rethink whether there's another way to change your sentences around to avoid this.

Thankfully you haven't gone too far with this, but it is there.

Second thing was your usage of tell and Psychic Distance. The distance in this fic was pulled way out for most of it. Most of the first half of the fic feels like filler to get the smut; I would have liked to get to know the sisters and their dynamic more before getting there.

Put another way.. if I thought of a smut fic as having two distinct phases, phase one would be build up and phase two would be the sex. Phase one should explain the character's relationship and build tension for the inevitable phase two. Phase two.. is the sex. You had phase 2 down okay, but you spent most of your phase 1 going through the motions of their day without taking the time to really slow down and zoom in on any one part of that day and do some character building.

Which isn't to say you abandoned character building entirely or anything. It's just that most of it was explained rather than shown. Part of this showed through from a distinct lack of dialogue, for instance. Dialogue is a great tool to do your character and interpersonal relationship building.

So what could have helped? I think you had too many scenes for your word limit. Between the work sub-plot and multiple locations and needing to move them from A to B to C you forced yourself to spend a lot of the first half of the fic rushing through scenes.

I really liked these two though. I appreciate you taking time to write more of them. You ought to keep working at it.

Jamin P Rose

Jamin P Rose #5 · May 4th, 2019 · · ·

9604138
Thanks for the advice. Not often people actually stop and give such a long response, I really appreciate it.

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