After Queen Chrysalis is defeated at Canterlot castle, she returns years later to seek her revenge. She and her army, the Leasath, returned to Equestria and killed Celestia. She has ruled for 20 years, crushing all attempts by those known as the Aureolians to overthrow her. After 10 years, Luna returned. Now, it is up to her and her top explosives demolition expert to finally defeat her and end her retched rule. Will they succeed and return harmony to Equestria? Or will Chrysalis reign superior and rule Equestria for the rest of her life?
Chapters (38)
Wow, right off the bat and i am already hooked. There are small grammatical and spelling errors spread out, but other than that a great read. I can tell this isn't going to disappoint as the plot gets deeper. Looking forward to more!
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That was a really well done scene. I love this story. (I hope my NaPoWrMo thing will be just as good)
Well written and amazing. I see Anony got you to use Starbolt......... This story really affected me. I guess that means you did a good job.
Oh Starbolt.... *Cries*
I'm currently writing the last few chapters of this story. I would really like some feedback on how it is that way I can edit some more things. Thanks!
Downvoted, but I think you have potential and believe in constructive criticism, so allow me to tell you why (I'll try to explain my reasoning so this may be a fairly long post). I’ve read the first 20 chapters, so all of these points are based on what I’ve read so far.
1) First off, there are some pretty horrific spelling and grammar errors throughout the story. Though they were uncommon enough as to be mostly ignorable, they are also unnecessary. Get an editor to pre-read the story and correct any errors, or do it yourself. You also tend to repeat words a lot in paragraphs. Try to use synonyms to make reading a bit less grating.
2) Some events can last only a few lines. An entire enemy squad being wiped out in only one paragraph makes me wonder what the point of putting in the scene in the first place was. Honestly, in some places I wonder if things happen just to bring the word count a little bit higher.
3) Now the main problem I have with this fic is the insane amount of deus ex machina you've used. Within only the first few chapters, quite a few highly improbable or unrealistic events occur. I'll highlight a few of the worst early offenders
- 'Blaze makes a small explosive out of alkali metals and water'. First of all, heavy alkali metals are pretty rare. Even assuming for the sake of the plot that they’re not, why couldn’t Linus pick the lock? Or knock out the jailer and steal the keys? He’s meant to be the world’s best assassin; it should be child’s play. If that’s not possible, Blaze is meant to be a great explosive’s expert, he should probably know when he’s using too much boom juice and tone it down.
- 'The camp gets ambushed by Leasath, but they're defeated within seconds by a toxic gas.' This one really gets me, since it implies one of two things - a) This is the first time they've come into conflict with the Leasath since making these gas bombs. Considering how far along in the war they’re supposed to be, this seems unlikely. Or b) The Leasath are imbeciles who can’t seem to work out why they keep dying mysteriously and for no reason. Again, I highly doubt this is the case.
- "Linus had entered the Jode Rage. When he entered this stage, he could kill an entire army in less than a minute, without a scratch." Even worse than the gas in my opinion. If he's that powerful, why has he not won the war for them already? Why does he not do this every freakin’ fight? Does his mane grow very long and turn yellow?
- Some top ranking members of the resistance don’t know they’re travelling about with RD and Twilight safely nestled into an army tent. Seriously, these guys pop out of NOWHERE, and just happen to be in a tent in the resistance camp one day without anyone having realised this.
I hope you get my point. Okay, so you can get away with a few unlikely events due to the suspension of disbelief - this is a story after all - but when it happens in almost every chapter it starts to become far too noticeable. You either need to explain events in far more detail in order to give a plausible reason as to why and how they occur, or tone things down a LOT. Exposition and argumentation are wonderful things.
As I said previously, I think this has potential, which is why I’ve bothered commenting at all. If you can develop the story and events a bit more, sort out all those spelling errors, and make things a bit more believable, then you’d have a good solid fic. The premise is good, and there are a couple of great ideas in there, so keep at it!
(On a personal note, I’m not a big fan of OC romance with mane 6 characters either, but since that’s my own preference I tried not to let that enter into my evaluation of the story)
1533491 I see what you mean. Now let me elaborate a few points. 1) Blaze and the explosion. He's been beaten, tortured and dehydrated. I doubt he is thinking to his full potential. 2) Linus and the guards. He has to carry another pony who has a broken leg and not very helpful in a fight. 3) RD and Twi random appearance. The point was for them to appear out of nowhere. I know I didn't bring them in properly and I do plan to add more to it. 4) the Jode rage. It takes a lot for him to enter it. Linus only enters because of the Gorner turning into Luna. It happens rarely, and only for a short time. I do plan on editing that a bit to make it flow better. 5) The gas. The Leasath are following orders from Chrysalis. Personally, I didn't view the changelings, except Chrysalis, to be all that smart. (Just me though)
I started writing this before I had experience with writing. So the grammar will be fixed after I finish the last chapter. I do appreciate the help though. Thanks!
1533732
Listen to this guy. He has pointed out a lot of things that could really help the story.
1595472I am, I was just explaining why they were the way they were. Once I finish last chapter, then I go to the beginning and fix the things I need to
I will read this tommorow!
Looks good, but I love any fan-fiction focused on war/battle normally, but I always end up rooting for the normally conceived "bad guys" to win.
I am impressed, man! I've read the entire story to chapter 1 and I can gladly say you've done an amazing job!
(You know who I am. :3)
2186413 Thanks! Its been a long time since I've really paid much attention to this story. I'm almost finished with it too, only about two or three more chapters before it's done.
At this part I was screaming in my head that he can give his wing to room so there won't be any fighting
* rook
Gah the random cyborg and random cloning
2186431 I just faved it hopefully you won't forget about it
Omg I wrote a changeling invasion fic with the same cover art. Except in mine Crissi got her head cut off.