• Member Since 26th Feb, 2017
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Linked_Chain


Comments ( 9 )

Just got through the story. For a first attempt at a story, this was pretty good. There are some errors scattered about, and I think you might have used the characters names a bit too constantly throughout, but it is not terrible. To help identify these issues, I would suggest you utilize the text to speech function this site has, in order to pick out misspellings, missing words, and bad grammar. As for the overuse of character names, it helps to occasionally substitute names with descriptors, such as "the earth pony", "The stallion", "The submissive mare", "The dominant male", and other such things that skirt around you repeating the names over and over.

That aside, I really like what you did with this. It was a simple scene of dominance, but for a first chapter it got the point across. For newcomers to the Society, it ease them in quickly while explaining the overall purpose and creed of the Society. The ideas of "natural order" through usage of disciplinary pain, rewarding pleasure, and sexual dominance is greatly expressed, as well as the general mentality of a member seeing their cruelty as a kindness. Plus the level of control the Copper shows over the situation is very thrilling. Certainly a welcome addition to the setting, and I wonder what you're going to do with it. Marking this with a fave, and I will keep track of it to see any progress you do.

9426406

Thanks a lot!

I did notice that I used the names a bit too much. I was a little concerned about the "mapping" of the scene and wanted to make sure the audience could tell who was where and doing what. But your suggestion is something I didn't think of, I'll keep that in mind.

Will this story have any M/F sex scenes, implied or otherwise, where the woman does most or all of the work?

That was a nice read. Rather unforunate about the downvotes + lack of comments though. I hope that doesn't demotivate you from continuing.

Lemme double ponepony’s words. That was a nice read, and not just about plain clop stuff, but about a fine bit of world and character building as well. Exploring various situations inside the Society instead of focusing on one or two master/slave relationships also does the trick. It’d be nice to see the continuation if you’re still up to it. :)

I do wonder what happened to Cane Sugar, her fate after Carnelian's excommunication was left unanswered, did Copper become her new master or did she go to some other unnamed Member?

Why are the letters in the ()s both uppercase and lowercase?

10093488

If you're referring to the titles, I was trying to convey who was the Dom and sub for each chapter so the reader could know what the scene would be like, just in case they had certain sexual preferences and wanted to skip those scenes. Uppercase M = male dom, lowercase m = male sub, uppercase F = female dom, lowercase f = female submissive.

10093479

I was trying to imply that Copper got control of her, but I guess that wasn't clear. So yes, Copper becomes her master.

And then Celestia learns of their existence... and it goes about how one expects.

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