Just got through the story. For a first attempt at a story, this was pretty good. There are some errors scattered about, and I think you might have used the characters names a bit too constantly throughout, but it is not terrible. To help identify these issues, I would suggest you utilize the text to speech function this site has, in order to pick out misspellings, missing words, and bad grammar. As for the overuse of character names, it helps to occasionally substitute names with descriptors, such as "the earth pony", "The stallion", "The submissive mare", "The dominant male", and other such things that skirt around you repeating the names over and over.

That aside, I really like what you did with this. It was a simple scene of dominance, but for a first chapter it got the point across. For newcomers to the Society, it ease them in quickly while explaining the overall purpose and creed of the Society. The ideas of "natural order" through usage of disciplinary pain, rewarding pleasure, and sexual dominance is greatly expressed, as well as the general mentality of a member seeing their cruelty as a kindness. Plus the level of control the Copper shows over the situation is very thrilling. Certainly a welcome addition to the setting, and I wonder what you're going to do with it. Marking this with a fave, and I will keep track of it to see any progress you do.

9426406

Thanks a lot!

I did notice that I used the names a bit too much. I was a little concerned about the "mapping" of the scene and wanted to make sure the audience could tell who was where and doing what. But your suggestion is something I didn't think of, I'll keep that in mind.