Here Comes The Sun

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LILDASHIEGRINGO

LILDASHIEGRINGO #1 · Oct 28th, 2018 · 2 · ·

Okay, so I liked the way that you tackled this story. I liked the determination that you put into it.

The biggest flaw I see in this is the emotion in it. I see them having sex, but that's it. I'm not getting leveled with when it comes to how they feel and when I do, it's not enough.

When it comes to this type of storytelling style, you can't depend on the action alone. You have to be clever with how you play with words that involves the two characters in the situation and what they're both there for. There has to be a reason, and the reason you put in there was just a bit too early. Maybe give us a small backstory throughout the whole short story that would suit the needs of readers. I saw you mention something about swimming practice; that's a fantastic valley to capitalize on, to talk about this character that loves the other for some reason.

Also make everything sound natural and not like a robot or a scientist. In a couple points I saw this. Flower extract? Just say a flower name.

Lastly, I loved to see this type of stuff from different writers from time to time. Kinda reminds me a bit on how I write when I do short stories. Do more while growing from your mistakes and I'll believe that you'll go far in this genre.