Feeling Breezy
In all the years Velvet had known Crystal, she'd never seen her like this.
Sure, Crystal had always been a little bit notorious for snacking while reading. And sure, Velvet understood being so enthralled with something that the snacking got a little out of hoof.
But going through an entire can of Eazy Cheezy, to the point of not having enough crackers and just consuming it straight from the can itself… This wasn't snacking while reading.
This was reading while snacking. For the first time, reading had taken a backseat.
It was almost inspiring. Ever since they had moved in together, Velvet had kept her fondness for Eazy Cheezy a secret from her high society best friend. How could a pony who knew the difference between a red wine glass and a white wine glass understand the pleasure of something like artificial color and flavor?
And yet here they were: Velvet sitting on one pillow with an empty can in her hooves, and Crystal sitting on the other and lamenting said empty can.
"Why did you only have one?" Crystal asked as she looked up from her book with a pout.
Given how well Crystal could pull off a pout, Velvet often wondered how many lessons on pouting were in those manner classes Upper Crust made Crystal take.
"Because I only bring a few back from Manehattan, and I haven't gone there in, like, months." Velvet rolled the can idly between her hooves. "Why did you turn into a crazy glutton?"
Crystal's ears shot up and she simultaneously flushed with embarrassment and glared with indignation. "Excuse you! I'm not going to apologize for enjoying something that you told me to try."
Velvet snorted. "Yeah. Key word: try. Like, you know, we'd make up a few crackers and enjoy them, together. Not 'become a single-minded cheesivore'."
"Oh, I—" 
An odd expression flashed across Crystal's face as the book she had been reading dropped out of her magic to land on the floor. One hoof moved to her stomach and she winced.
Velvet arched one brow. "You okay?"
"I think so," Crystal mumbled, rubbing her hoof on a small circle. "I just ate too much, perhaps."
There was a pause that was interrupted by a distinct gurgling noise.
Crystal grimaced.
Velvet grinned.
"Oh my Celestia," Velvet said, rising to her hooves. "Crystal, did you seriously make yourself sick?"
"No!" Crystal paled and gave a hurried shake of her head. "No, thank you, my stomach is not that delicate."
Her stomach gurgled again.
"I think the lady protests too much, or whatever." Velvet couldn't help it; she tossed her head back and laughed. She did, however, start toward the kitchen. "I'll get the ginger, sissy stomach."
Although Crystal didn't reply, she did make a high-pitched, squeaky noise. Velvet froze, both ears pinned back toward Crystal, and they both went very, very still.
In all the years Velvet had known Crystal, she'd never heard her make a sound like that.
Sure, Crystal had always been a little high strung when she was embarrassed. And sure, Velvet had heard her squeak before, when words simple failed her and all she could do was whine like a foal imitating a tea kettle.
But that had been a very specific, very un-lady-like sound. One she didn't even know Crystal was capable of making.
"Did you just—"
Crystal practically shrieked, "I most certainly did not! It—It was the pillow."
The snort of laughter hit Velvet harder than it should have, as if she had been struck by it directly in the throat. "Crystal, oh my gosh, pillows don't make a sound like that."
"I will not sit here and be accused of such—such things!" Crystal jumped up, and Velvet turned to watch her storm into the bathroom.
Or, well, it wasn't so much of a storm as it was a hurried, tight-legged mad dash.
Velvet grinned and walked over to the door just as it slammed shut. "Do you still want the ginger?"
"I'm fine," Crystal replied in the strangled voice that heavily implied she definitely wasn't, and definitely wanted Velvet to leave her alone.
So Velvet sat down and leaned against the doorframe, settling in for what was sure to be an amusing few minutes.
There was silence for a while, and then—there it was. A muffled squeak.
Velvet couldn't even think of smothering her snickering, and broke out into another laugh when Crystal shrieked, "It wasn't me!"
"There's nothing to be embarrassed of." Velvet rubbed the corner of one eye to wipe away the tears. "It's totally natural. I mean, it's never happened to me, but, well, I don't keep myself so tightly wound that things just… squeak out."
"Velvet," Crystal practically snarled, her voice echoing in the small bathroom, "I swear to both Celestia and Luna, if you don't shut up, I will—I'll—"
"What, fart on me?" Velvet broke into laughter again. "Gas me out of the house?"
After a pause, Crystal gave a strangled sob. "Please don't say that word."
"Which word? What?"
"No, the—the other word."
Velvet tilted her head back against the doorframe to grin up at the ceiling. "Sorry, which one? Me? House? Out?"
Crystal groaned. "You know exactly which word I mean, and I really don't care for this conversation one bit."
"That's a shame, because I'm absolutely loving it."
When the silence fell again, Crystal tapped her hoof against something—the floor, maybe?—to cover up the underlying sound of another muffled squeak.
"It's only going to be worse if you try to hold it in, you know." Velvet made a sincere effort not to choke on impending laughter. "Just let it go and you'll feel so much better."
"Velvet, please. Don't you have ballet practice or something? Anything but sitting here and being the nigh literal bane of my existence?"
"Honestly?" Velvet hooked one hindleg over the other and settled in for what was turning out to be a lot longer than just a few minutes. "This is probably the most important thing I'll ever do. I'm honored to be the one to help you through this flatulent time in your life."
Crystal made a sound that was almost a laugh. It still sounded whiny, but at least an amused whine. "I wasn't aware you knew the word 'flatulent'."
"I wasn't aware you could be flatulent."
This time, the sound was definitely a whiny, no amusement added. "Velvet…"
"Hey, think about it this way. You could turn this into something positive."
Crystal snorted. "How in Equestria could the most embarrassing moment of my life result in something positive?"
Velvet turned her head to look at the door, as if that made the conversation more personal. "Well, for one, I feel like we are now closer than ever before. But more than that, we just discovered a new option for you at school."
"A—what?"
Velvet's lips curled into a grin. "If you practiced, I'm sure you'd be a great new member of Band Club."
After a pause where Crystal was undoubtedly looking right back at the door with a puzzled expression, she finally groaned. "You're terrible."
The grin widened. "There's just one problem."
"I can think of several, but what, pray tell, is the problem you're referring to?"
Waiting just long enough to let the curiosity sink in, Velvet finally replied, "They'd probably kick you out for the smell."
"Oh, for the love of—!" Crystal exclaimed with a voice full of both horror and frustration. "There is no smell! That's it, go! Get out! I don't care where you go, but get out of this condo right now!"
Unfortunately, as soon as she stopped yelling, Crystal must have lost her focus, because her words were punctuated with the squeal of a wheezing trumpet.
Silence reigned supreme for a long while, during which Velvet imagined Crystal silently sobbing into her forehooves.
"Wow," Velvet finally said, "I was just kidding about the smell."
Crystal's silent sobs became less silent as she managed between them, "I—wish I—were dead."
"It'll be okay. We'll get through this together. I just, well, I'm going to move away from the door." Velvet started to grin again. "And maybe light a scented candle or something."
Crystal paused, then whispered, "I wish you were dead."
"I know, I know." Velvet patted fondly on the door between them. "I love you, too, my little butt trumpet."
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Pure art. A beautiful example of how a multimedia work can blend multiple types of creation into one sublime experience.
The userscript is a must-have for those who wish to experience true enlightenment.
I read this.
First off, I don't care what anyone says: Proper crisps are fried. They are not baked, or "air fried" or whatever the frell it is you kids are into these days.
Secondly, proper snacking cheese does not come in a can. It comes in a tiny plastic tub with crackers and a red... spreader, thing.
Thirdly... I don't know! I can't think of a third thing! All I know is I'm really cheesed off and darnit! That's it! You've all just eazyd your last cheezy!
Sparkle! Where are my tools?! Sparkle!
I mean it!
This day isn't going to doom itself!
Sparkle!
The fart
Is like my heart
So dark
And smelly
I don't know what I liked better -- the story, or the illustration that went with it.
Crystal will learn when she has foals that every kind of indignity is piled upon mothers and mothers-to-be.
8768527
So, I mooset assume that the concerto C.S. Step has just provided is not of your entire Stratusfaction?
Oh, my Crystal! This is just so terribly funny!
I love it! Thank you for making me laugh today!
Oh, and Happy Derpy Day!
The script thing didn't work for me, but then I'm not sure if I was doing it properly so eh.
Regardless: lolwut
This pleases me in unexpected ways...
Later Spike came to the door passing out flyers for Raritys next fashion show. Crystal stood with a bouquet of dragon sneeze flowers.
And that's how to clear a block......
Big badda boom!
Hilarious! Wouldn't be the same without the userscript, just made it all the funnier.
If Equestria's Eazy Cheezy wasn't invented by Flim and Flam, it should have been.
Well... I have to say, this sounds very different than what you normally write.
And then Silent drops by for a visit...
"Oh! Easy Cheesy!"
So after seeing your new story, I saw your user page quote thingie says "Write your f♥king heart out."
And now I can't stop hearing that in my head as "Write your fheartking heart out." Emphasis on the "fheart."
Only you, CW.
If Silent ever found out about this...
This is probably an excerpt from Velvet Step’s Blackmail Encyclopedia, version 2.4.3.9
8769182
I kind of want a sequel to this story where Velvet shows the cover art for this story to Crystal. The result would be highly amusing in my opinion.
I made the mistake of scrolling swiftly while the script was installed.
I can't believe I read a story about gassy ponies. That is a few minutes of my life I'm not going to get back, too. Devoted to entirely to reading about a joke.
10/10 would read again.
I'm in a hotel, and while I was reading this, somebody blew their nose really loudly outside.
I thought it was a fart because of this. Only the great could have accomplished this feat.
This is how my reaction panned out upon first seeing the title, and then as I read the story...
"No. No. She did not. No. Ohmygawd no. She DID. YES. OMFG YES. SHE DID. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!"
VELVET IS BEST TROLL FRIEND.
CRYSTAL IS BEST AUTHOR! (AND FARTER!
)
8768942
Silent soon becomes less silent.
Easy cheezy Crystal squeezy
Say, does the trumpet trigger when the word is in the middle or whaT?
MORE! pleas
Gigglesnort.
8770278
True love: Silent ate some Easy Cheesy so he could deflect the blame from Crystal
8770451
Close. There is a little 1x1 transparent image hidden in the story. "Story ambiance" sounds begin every ~400 pixels (about 6 'clicks' on my mouse wheel) once the screen scrolls past that image
Amen to that. Rips open bag of cheesy Doritos.
Flatulent in under an hour? That's quick working stuff!
I always called it 'can cheese', but it really needs another name that better reflects its genuine artificial, imitation, non-dairy, cheese status. Something like SPAM being an acronym for "Something Posing As Meat".
Could Easy Cheese be: Easy (Energetic A$$ Sourced Yammering) Cheese???
That's all I got...
Great, I just commented on this; now I can't ever deny reading it.
An amusing little tale
Oh, blessed moon and stars above! That was both cute and comical!
I hadn’t laughed this hard is so long. Thank you!
How about next time we make it a tuba instead of a trumpet? Add some broccoli to that cheese?
Oh dear!
Laughs! So many Laughs!
So perfect in terms of both Crystal and Velvet.
And as it happens, I just started reading Who cut the cheese a cultural history of the fart. Sounds like I might have to lend to some pony.
A nice little slice of life scene in the world of Crystal Wishes.