Chapter 1
I remember the day well when I heard the news. I think I was unconscious, drunk with booze. (Please forgive my intoxication. It helps me escape America's situation.) Without warning and quite sudden, angry tweets from the White House began to flood in. At 8:30 during a national security meeting, meant to discuss foreign threats, the almighty orangutan was tweeting.
“Men shouldn’t watch #MLPTrash,” he declared with that all-knowing articulation. “It’s a show for girls #Grabbthembythe***** Men watching it are a blight on our nation. It promotes a heinous agenda against democracy, male rights …” (Twitter has a word limit. So we had to wait a minute). “...and anyone can see it promotes bestiality and hurts all whites.”
Where his evidence for this came, nobody could say (except the #Non-fake News like Fox and Friends), for every pony lover it would be a dark day, like the NFL knee-takers Trump would see to our end. What he said to the fandom was hard to excuse and left many of us feeling poor. So he deleted these tweets, and issued an apology (as is the tradition of the Trump administration). #JKlolz, I lied. He tweeted some more.
“Such a trash show that everyone hates. The Apprentice beat it out in the rates.”
He’s right if you look at the statistics, of course. 35% of Google Users watched him, 88% preferred the horse.
“Men who watch #MLPTrash are vile and disgusting. Even though it’s #LittleRocketMan I should be discussing, I’ve decided to declare war against this …." “… Brony. @Hasbro bring them down, LISTEN TO ME!”
Nothing says authority, like a 70-something-President with 30-something% approval, type LISTEN TO ME! Urging for a horrendous children’s show’s removal. But Hasbro wouldn’t shake or surrender because they were seraphic, and they would never abandon their favorite demographic.
MLP Writers took to Twitter, defending the show and their community. They refused the President’s order to LISTEN TO ME! They wrote such replies that brought many a tear to a Republican’s eye
Like “Our hearts are with the fans, not your hideous lies.” “Attacking a child’s show?? You’re such a bad guy.” “To your fear-mongering and hate, we’ll never comply.” “Bronies are people, no different from you or I.” “Shame the White House has orange baby men, who do nothing but cry.”
While #LittleRocketMan built his nuclear bombs, while police brutalized the followers of Islam, while Puerto Ricans died despite GOP aplomb, and while Republicans tried to gut Medicaid for their 1% tax alms, the wise, highly-articulate, and progressive president (who is certainly not some peeping tom) expressed his qualms over a girls show and its fandom, waged Twitter war against the Brony community, disturbers of the calm.
What were we to do? No one can say no to a President We had to accept his views without any dissent.
We responded with fanart and stories of how Twilight Sparkle and the Mane Six clobbered the corn-haired trumpet and said Screw your politricks! Enraged drawings and heartfelt tweets clearly illustrated our solemn surrender. Rainbow Dash shoved Trump into the Rainbow Factory blender (I heard it from another fellow, the rainbow he made was quite yellow). Even Pinkie Pie accepted defeat with humble heartache. She even showed Trump how she made cupcakes. Princess Celestia followed Trump’s example and built a wall around his Twitter Account, then banished him to the moon. Within the week, the Brony community didn’t even quadruple in amount, no, they’d all be gone soon. Our President could attest the Bronies were finished, gone, nadda, zip, no doubt could linger. So smiling their best, Spike and Discord shared with Trump, their pointed, middle fingers.
Seth Myers and Colbert, those pathetic late night hosts rallied ten million viewers with their Trump-roasts.
You are no less a person for liking My Little Pony they said, just as Trump’s no less a person for being brain-dead. Mr. President you may like attacking people and criminalizing them outright, but you should do your job instead of starting Twitter fights. If all you can do is attack Bronies, maybe you need to fit some love in your heart. Go watch the ponies. Maybe you’ll even get a little smart.
But these little protests were hardly heard by Americans, 88% of who sided with the Bronies. No, literally everyone believed press secretary who called those weirdoes vile, sort of like Trump’s cabinet cronies. Fox News didn’t notice the meager 10 million loss in viewers or Hasbro’s commercial revenue. They proclaimed Trump was winning against the vile sub-humans, which Bannon declared undeniably true.
Trump held a rally and congratulated himself for attacking freedom of speech; the worst inconvenience for his rule. He declared with glee and they listened to his undeniably, positively holy preach that he ended the Brony cesspool
Hasbro’s toy sales certainly hadn’t doubled, the series’ viewership certainly didn’t grow. You could be certain it was true if Trump said it, despite what all the statistic show
As #LittleRocketMan dialed back on his threats and the indictments ceased. Our wonderful President seemed to forget the Bronies for his KFC bucket feast. But the damage was done, in his war against Bronies he succeeded: In making Bronies more popular, the show’s appeal now unimpeded
He’d bring up the issue again whenever Mueller, the big ol’ meanie, set to indict, brought another colluder to justice, which triggered orangutan’s spite. He’d probably tweet about it once or twice, whenever he thought the media didn’t treat him nice, or when he wanted to gut the ACA, or deflect embarrassment, or appoint his unqualified EPA stooges, or accuse #CrookedClinton of treason. You could be sure he’d make sure we learned to respect and join his political pollution with 280 character tweets that speak of his great reason.
I imagine Twilight and co look on at this spectacle that seems an affront to meritocracy, and Princess Celestia wisely says, “This is why we don’t have democracy.”
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Well this sure looks interesting.
I'll read it when I have some time.
Read. Liked. LOL-ed.
Oh lord, I mistook this as a blog update and thought this actually happened. Frankly, I would not be surprised if it did, which says something..
8538827 Thanks. It was a lot of fun to write.
8539539 I know, right? Thankfully, this is just a satire and not real news.
Judging by like-ratio, lots of Trump supporters here
8593918 I wouldn't be surprised
Just for the satire, faved. And somehow I wouldn't be surprised if this ever actually happens in real life. Let's hope not.
8643917 Thanks. Seriously though, let's hope it doesn't happen for real.
...it took me half the story to realize it was being told in rhyme. Could use an editor, but still funny, regardless.
8731646 Thanks. Some of the typos were intentional and I had a poetic structure in mind. Unfortunately, a lot of the stylistic stuff I wanted to do was skewed by Fimfiction's auto-formatting.
Well there’s your problem!
8825744 Full disclaimer: I tried my best not to offend everyone with this story by adding this disclaimer. Some of my family are Republicans, (who despise Trump), and I don't want them to feel personally attacked. If I'm being honest, I think the GOP has severely lackluster leadership and principles. But I find that saying this outright is a surefire way to alienate people, so I'm trying to be kind by stating it's too presumptuous to assume every single Republican congress member is as bad as Cadet Bonespurs. Still, their silence can make it difficult to imagine otherwise...
If I'm being honest, I do think they have to take a good look at themselves and reflect on their actions.
8825744 I just don't want anyone to go sending them death threats. They do deserve to be called out for their complicity, not just with the Big Dorito but with so many other special interest groups. But I do not under any circumstances condone sending people death threats.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Trump declares war on Bronies
Grammar score out of 10: 9
Pros
You're a poet and you know it!
Bronies rule, Trump drools!
It was a very clever satire.
Cons
Indenting's a bit off (and yes, I am aware you already know that).
Not enough timing to process all the rhyming.
He looks more like an annoying orange than an almighty orangutan.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
Example: You may need to work on the indenting since, while I know you're a very talented rhymer, one can't help but feel that certain parts are a clusterfuck of rhymes.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: A series of unfortunate events that leads to another redeemed villain, yay!
9442323 Thanks. I appreciate the feedback.
9452021
My pleasure. Now, since we are both part of the Authors Helping Authors group, I believe you are obligated to give me a review (if, you know, you have the time).
9452032 I'll see if I can, but I am pretty busy these days. I'll try to do my best, but I can't make any promises. Sorry if that's not an answer you'd like to hear. But I'll still try.
9464508
It's okay, I already had two reviews from other members of the group. I can wait.
9464547 Thanks for understanding. I'll definitely try to review one of your stories.
#StillbetterthanObama