Fluttering Petals and Black Night were a couple. They loved each other dearly but one day something tragic happened. Here is that story. Fluttering Petals and Black Night are two of my OCs do not steal
Chapters (4)
Marie Rivers
Joined 16th Jul, 2017 ·
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This is very good Marie! Especially for a first story, you're a very good writer.:) Also, you ought to tell your friend I said they're a good artist, I really like that cover image! I'm going to be honest, I actually cried reading this, not only with the sad feel of losing a lover, but the awful reality of a child losing a parent. I do have to wonder though, what DID happen to Black Night? Like, obviously she died, but what I'm curious about is how she died? I'm not sure if you thought about that or not. Anyway! Great story! Fantastic job!:D
This is really, really, super, duper good!! I'm really enjoying it, and so far, you've managed to make me cry three times.;-; Even though it was only two chapters, there was a point when I wasn't reading them and I started thinking about it, then I just made myself cry by thinking about it.XD Anyway, yeah! Super good!!*Thumbs up*
Very good! This is quickly becoming sadder and sadder and I'm crying.>.< But it's so good and I LOVE it!!
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I honestly do't know if that is a compliment or not... Oh well thanks for the positive feedback! I am honestly really going to need it! I can't post the next chapter until tomorrow or later sadly.
I promsie i will get it too you as soon as i can though.
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Ahh, it's definitely a compliment! Trust me, I like things that leave me bawling.XD The fact that it's suppose to be sad(Judging by the tags, I'd assume that's the case) and it succeeded in making me cry- well, I'd say that's a success right there.:) Anyway, that's completely fine, can't wait for the next chapter!<3
Well, the idea for the story is good and there's a plot going on (although I'm not sure if the pace is good or bad) which shows the ways an individual can feel the effects of losing a loved one.
I think you need to be more descriptive, how are they feeling, how the memories affect them, how does a child look at death and the contrast between them and an adult, etc.
That's all I have for you.
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Thank you so much for the feed back! I will work on that in the next chapter.
This is really good so far! I agree with Time Reaper, but that's about all the feedback I'd have for you, my friend.XD Also, oh my god, I got so confused for a second when it said Blue Heart, since obviously that my name!:o But, yeah! You're doing pretty good with the story so far, keep up the good work!
8342500
I was running out of name ideas! Also i thought i would include my editor in my story in some way! After all i included me, my girlfriend, my friend who drew the pictures, and my best friend why not you?
Petals sighed and stood up saying softly “Lets go Star we need to get you home and dried off.” -- Petals sighed and stood up saying softly, “lets go, Star. We need to get you home and dried off.”
Star looked up at her mother and let out a whimper “But what about mama?” -- Star looked up at her mother and let out a whimper, “but what about mama?”
This error repeats.
"This is a statement." David nodded approvingly. "The words are separate of the action, making each a separate sentence. Each starting with a capital and ending with a period or similar mark."
He pointed out, "this, on the other hand, is part of the same sentence, the sentence of 'pointing something out'. This works equally for 'said', 'whimpered', 'shouted', and other saidisms. Note that the second half of such a construct does not have a capital starter, but does end with a period or similar."
"Learning the difference can be challenging--" David gave an emphatic thumbs up. "--but I have faith in you! Improved grammar will help the flow of your writing and get more readers."
Nooo i -- Nooo I
There are multiple cases of lower case Is, look for those.
Star wanna sing for me? -- Star, wanna sing for me?
physicall y -- physically
A dead slightly burned and starting to decompose Night yelled at Petals. -- A slightly burned and clearly decomposing Night yelled at Petals.
Dead isn't required if one is decomposing, usually? I think it flows better.
you an mamma -- This should be 'and' or 'an'', depending on if it is an intentional leaving off of that letter.
your'e doing! -- you're doing!?
her sister used to live. -- her sister used to live in.
was away! -- was awake!
Plenty of lower case Is.
Review posted: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/212612/hidden-gems/thread/329829/dark-petals