BrightDawn
Joined 6th Jun, 2017 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hello there!
Wow, you got hit hard by the downvotes! People are being overly harsh right now, I think. At least I would imagine someone perhaps noting what they disliked so much.
Well, anyways, I can tell you one issue I had with the story. It's incredibly dry. You kept everything very minimalistic, but unfortunately, that makes it very hard for readers to get invested. They want to make a connection, even moreso in a second-person-narrative, which is hard to do if you know so little. There needs to be more that's interesting, that's worth latching on to. You need more meat in your story!
For example: At one point in the story, Nameless Businesspony canes Rarity's backside. I actually missed that the first time I read it!
Okay, he hits her with a cane. That's probably painful... or so I guess as we're not told much. We're told she's getting wet from it, but there is so much more you could describe. Did she cry out when he first hit her? Did she flinch? Did she shudder as he laid a thin line of fire on the skin of her ass, the heat pulsing and seeping through her core down to her twitching snatch? Did she make like she wanted to turn around, but her neck went rigid and she bit her lips as the next strike sent ripples across her plot? Did she stay still or did she fidget in place when his hoof demanded her pussy pay attention when her ass is beat?
There's so much you could do with that alone. The story would normally be right up my alley, but it needs... more. More story. One of the first tips you get on FimFiction usually is to make sure your chapters are at least 1000 words each. You can get away with a short introduction, but it's a gamble. If you want to be on the safe side, do a thousand minimum.
Alright! Lastly, none of this is meant as an attack, only as hopefully-helpful criticism. Most importantly, don't be discouraged.
There is nothing less sexy and interesting in a fic than dispassionate and mechanical second person description.
This is an affront to God himself. If I were you, I would go to the nearest church and confess myself before God and ask forgiveness. On moral grounds, I need to downvote this.
8235078
Please kindly show yourself to the door. That kind of comment is offensive and unwanted.
8235140
You're the offensive one here, atheist scum.
8235039
Thank you. You're 100% right. I recently had read a book that pisses me off to no end that just couldn't shut up with its details. I kid you not, the author's mother was having a stroke and he was describing the coffee table. Trying to avoid that, I went to the other extreme and sterilized my story.
8235140
oh brother.
8235078
totally agree.
50 shades of pony lol, I liked it
Was that on purpose?
8235078
Uhm….If you really feel that way, why did you read a story that was clearly marked as porn?