- Member Since 10th May, 2017
- offline last seen Jun 6th, 2019
That One Pegasus
Aight, I've just come off a very long "hiatus". Might write again, might not. Who knows anymore? Certainly not I.
That One Pegasus
Joined 10th May, 2017 ·
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This is ridiculous in the best possible way.
8214723
I’ll take that as a compliment, coming from a master of writing such as yourself (me being a fan of your Curse of the Green Sun O^O)
This was...interesting. Strange, but interesting...I like it.
Pinkie is weird, isn´t she?
8214736
Indeed she is...
But I think it’s me who’s the weirdest, seeing as how I came up with this... thing
Wait a second... was that Anthro tag always there?
8214726
Yes, it’s meant as a compliment. There are contrivances and behavior that I would call out-of-character in a serious fic: the way ponies gather to watch Pinkie masturbating in her own house, and then to start indiscriminately having sex; the way Pinkie is immediately okay with stallions barging in and rutting her; the sudden appearance of Cheese Sandwich at the end. (When Pinkie Pie woke up at the end, I half-expected you to reveal that the preceding story was All Just A Dream.) But in a clopfic, that can all be forgiven if the end result is hot enough, and this certainly is.
If you don’t mind some criticism, I do feel there are some areas that could be improved. First off are some inconsistencies. In spite of the tag, I can’t tell if this is supposed to be pony or anthro. Pinkie always uses her hooves, rather than hands, to manipulate objects. Yet you mention her boobs growing “at least three cup sizes”, which implies the existence of bras, which don’t make much sense for quadrupeds to wear. Another contradiction is that, as she expands, she’s “displaying her icing-filled marehood to nopony in particular”—yet a few paragraphs later, she destroys the chair she’s sitting in. First of all, when she sits down, her seat would tend to block the view of her marehood. And second, the only time you mention the chair is when Pinkie crushes it. It’s honestly confusing that she’s suddenly sitting in a chair, with no mention of when she actually sat down. (Also, Chekhov’s Chair: if you want a pony to destroy furniture with her inflation, then you should establish the existence of that furniture beforehand. I... may have broken this rule in some of my own stories.)
Maybe these are nitpicks, but I think physical continuity is more important in a sex scene (or an inflation fetish scene) than just about anywhere else. A lot of readers will want to visualize the scene as they read. If you give them contradictory details, then they won’t be able to visualize it, and that’ll pull them right out of the story.
The other thing is a repeat of the issue you had with “Twilight Encounters Magical Goo Ponies”, in that you rush through events so quickly, sometimes it feels more like a summary than a proper story. For example:
Ten full minutes in just two sentences? That ought to be at least a full paragraph. Even better: Write about the stallion starting to cum in her mouth, and how fast her belly expands from his load. Then focus on the stallion rutting her from behind. He pounds away at her for a bit before he cums. Pinkie expands even larger, and then he pulls out, and yet another stallion takes his place. Focus back on the stallion in Pinkie’s mouth—oh, look, he’s still cumming. Give a bit more description of how large Pinkie is. Focus on the new stallion pounding her from behind, and how much bigger Pinkie expands when he cums. Focus on the stallion in her mouth, as he finally finishes pumping his seed into her stomach. And then mention that he took a full ten minutes to shoot his entire load.
Similarly:
Boobs inflating? Drinking from inflated boobs? It’s summarized in two sentences, but entire stories can be written (and for that matter, have been written) just about that detail.
Granted, when you’re writing an orgy like this, at some point after the first few ruttings you have to deliberately dial back the details and start summarizing. Otherwise you’ll start repeating yourself.
But then you ought to bring that detail back for the grand finale. Cheese Sandwich’s arrival is literally a dream come true for Pinkie. That should be the part where you go into as much detail as possible—not just the physical acts but Pinkie’s emotions as well. Audiences should be able to share (or at least empathize with) Pinkie’s joy at this sudden turn of events. And again, if he ruts her for twenty minutes before cumming, it should take longer to describe it. Off the top of my head, “Field Notes on Alicorn Reproductive Behavior” is a great example of how you can draw out a sex scene—where each partner only orgasms once, in fact—for quite a long time without getting boring.
Anyway, I hope all that is more encouraging than discouraging. I really do want to see you keep writing inflation stories.