- Member Since 21st Oct, 2015
- offline last seen Feb 21st, 2016
ShadowDragon6
Hey, it's me, Shadow Dragon! I love MLP and DBZ, and I wanted to bring the two closer together. I also made my OC in Mugen. You can find him here: http://shadowdragoncave60.blogspot.co.uk/
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I like it
This sounds bizarrely like my friend Wolfy's oc... xD
People that read my fic liked it. People that followed me just so they could downvote everything I wrote didn't. Hate groups are supposed to be against this site's rules, right?
6870036 Why? Also who is that?
The warning of you don't like dicks or OC's dont read is kinda hilarious.
6871852
6872163
Oh hey! People that actually have the balls to comment and not hide behind anonymity! That's a nice change of pace on this site.
Yeah, Oak has three penises. :) And I know some people don't like dicks, so I put up the warning.
6872170 I need to ask is this is meant as a troll f ic
6872331
This story is ridiculous and I liked it.
6872331 No. It's clop.
6872585 Thank you.
You`d be glad to know I took your advice. Downvoted without reading.
I don't quite know what I just read, but it's worth a like.
Cringeworthy jokes, inconsistent pacing, incorrect dialogue capitalization, incomplete proofreading, and a belligerent description--these are the things I disliked about this fic and the things I suggest you work on improving in the future.
Just the description made me want to stay the hell away from this vomit-fest. I've read stuff like this before, but the amount of dislikes and the snarkiness of the author makes me want to turn my nose.
Please, tell me you're being ironic.
6875130 You'd be glad to know you're the reason warning labels won't work. Some people are too stupid to understand them. Blocking you.
6875198 The amount of dislikes isn't a clear indicator of anything's quality. But if you think the snarkiness is too much and good people don't like it, I'll turn it down.
6875207 Ironic is a word idiots use to feel better.
6875166 Cringeworthy is an idiot word. But how can I improve on that other stuff?
6875290 Yeah, I don't need to read this to know your OC is a shitty edgelord anime inspired piece of garbage.
6875294
Cringeworthy is a perfectly fine word because every joke in this story either made me cringe or roll my eyes, and not in an "oh, you!" kind of way. The jokes try way too hard to be funny, but they come off more like a middle-schooler trying to impress his friends with how edgy he is. Besides, if you want help, telling someone that she's talking like an idiot won't help endear you to her. Luckily for you I'm gonna overlook that.
Concerning the pacing:
You blow through the introduction in a paragraph or two, then immediately throw on the brakes. This is a jarring transition; it'd be smoother to start off with things happening more gradually. Give more description, make the writing more dense. Even after you slow it down it still strikes me as moving way too quickly. This story should probably hit 5k words at least before you're done with it.
Concerning the dialogue capitalization:
I'd tell you to read my fics for examples on how to format dialogue, but that'd be too self-serving, so instead I'll suggest you look up an online guide. The rules are quite simple once you see them written out, so this one won't be too much of a hurdle.
Proofreading:
This is another easy one. Get a proofreader, then consider every single change they suggest. That's the best way to nail all the spelling and grammatical errors if you don't want to do it yourself.
And concerning the attitude:
C'mon, guy, you gotta treat your potential readers better. Saying crap like they shouldn't be allowed to vote and whatnot is disrespectful and immature. If you want people to take you seriously, you gotta treat your readers right.
6875362 Oh. You're way smarter than I was expecting considering you said cringeworthy.
I edited my fic because someone else brought up good points in a thread. How does it look now?
6871613
Hey, I'm not following you for anything. This is just a poorly written and poorly conceived story.
Please, please find yourself an editor. This story needs a lot of mechanical cleanup, both in terms of structure and formatting. The later half, in fact, reads more like a chatroom RP than a story.
From your comments, I don't expect you'll take being told this well, but please don't let your first work getting panned discourage you. There are a number of groups around here with resources for newer writers who need some help getting the mechanics right, and they are definitely worth looking up.
6875421 It's alright, I'm ok. I'm not an angry idiot like DSP (I found him on youtube, he's bad at street fighter). I just have a lot of trolls and I sometimes assume people are trolls because I'm used to seeing them.
How do I fix the chatroom RP? And how do editors work?
Delete all of this, and put your warning about what this story contains in its own paragraph.
6875484 Do you really think that will improve things?
6875510 Trust me, I know a thing or two about formatting stories.
6875510 Quite frankly, at this point, it's not about "what will improve this". It's about "what will NOT make this worse".
Seriously, this is turning into a PR nightmare for you
Well, at least you aren't deleting comments. That's something at least.
6875514 That's cool! I fixed it.
6875520 Everything I touch is bad PR.
6875555 Cool, cool. Also, in your warning section, you don't need to say your story has sex in it. We already get that from you telling us about his dicks.
6875564
I like it, actually. It's funny if you imagine it was put there as a joke.
Edit: like if a story had this for a warning:
"Warning: dismemberment, impaling, decapitation, disembowelment, and a bit of blood."
6875578 Heh, I see what you mean.
6875578 Yeah. That was intentional :3 I was worried it wasn't funny but I'm glad someone finally got it.
First of all, you might want to try spacing your paragraphs apart. As it is now it's very hard to read, and I bet a good chunk of your downvotes are because of this. Secondly, your sense of humor may put off a lot of people, so there is another source of your downvotes. The concept itself might be a source of downvotes as well, but you can't very well help that.
6875826 The avatar could also potentially be a factor in the downvotes too. Recoloring AJ and claiming it as your OC isn't a good idea, especially since it isn't all that original in the first place.
The amount of reading I am about to unleash on his story... It's humongous
After reading through it, I'm fairly certain that most of the downvotes are not out of sheer spite, but due to the lack of quality on the story. If you really want someone to break it down:
The characters are flat. Not simply the background or minor characters that are of no consequence to the story, but characters you seem to want to be of some importance. The easiest example is with the mane six. Any comments made by them seem to be about how much they like Oak, or statements that fit basic stereotypes of the characters ignoring large portions of their personality. Such as how Pinkie seems to only care about having a good time, or Twilight is just interested in turning the whole thing into some sort of educational project.
Similar can be said about the O.C. and how he is reacted to. Most of what is said about or done with him is along the lines of showing off what he can do and how incredible it is to the ponies. Some of it is pointless, such as the whole thing with the hat. While others seem like it would be less impressive than responded to, such as being able to do magic without a horn. Considering the sheer number of different creatures that have been shown in canon, there are more than likely creatures with magic that do not have horns.
A result of this is that there is no emotional investment in the story. The readers have no interest in wanting anything to happen to the characters, good or bad. That makes it hard for anyone to keep going since they don't have a reason to care about what happens next.
On the clop side, it's also lacking. The description of the sex is pretty much lacking, simply "this character does this" at it's most basic. There is barely even any sort of reaction from the character, and no description of how he feels. Granted, he should be kind of distracted considering what he is supposed to doing when the whole thing is happening.
As for the humor, it's kind of awkward. Looking back, there are things that I guess are supposed to be funny, such as tossing in an "I have no idea what I'm doing." However, they just kind of fall short. It's more of a random joke that doesn't really fit the context of the story, so it ends up not being funny.
So no, it's not simply out of spite. It's because the story is lacking in a lot of important material that makes the story interesting to a reader. The whole thing ends up falling short, with no real emotional investment, no real humor, and not enough to properly clop to.
On an unrelated note: karaoke doesn't need you to remember the lyrics of a song. The lyrics are displayed for the singer to read while singing.
Now I am reminded of 2girls1cup...
i.imgur.com/7O2FM6I.gif?noredirect
I liked it, it was nice and funny but also sexy. This isn't a clopfic to be taken seriously, but it is one that will make you glad you read.
-Review by Paul (Derpysasuke) 3.75/5 stars :D
6887055 Thank you! This is helpful how do I get better?
Hot hot hot.... I clopped to this twice