Pentrath
Joined 19th Feb, 2013 ·
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I like the overall idea but I would highly suggest getting an editor. Your tenses are all over the place and change around constantly and there are a lot of grammatical errors. I've also noticed then when you had Fluttershy talking with the rest of her friends, the perspective kept switching around from third person to first person. I didn't find anything wrong with the actual story itself, it looks like it could be good. The description of the Dazzlings stumbling upon CHS and absorbing the negative energy to the point where their pendants get repaired, I love that. It's just the amount of errors that's killing the story. If you could get someone to edit and fix up all the errors (switching tenses, points of views, grammatical errors and misspellings), you could very well have a great story. Don't be discouraged by the criticism. Again, looking past the actual mistakes, your story is fine, it's just the writing that needs polish.
7636650 Thanks for the advice, my problem is, though, finding someone willing to edit. I would not even know where to go to find one, to be honest.
can't wait for another chapter
7636752 Thanks
7636665 Okay then. I like the actual story itself and want to see it succeed. So how about I volunteer to polish this up a bit? I've never really had to edit someone else's story or scripts but I'll try my hand at it. See what you think of the edit and then see what the audience thinks. If it goes well, I'll edit more chapters.
7636798 I would appreciate that. What would you need to know to edit it, though, do I need to give you access to my account, or how does this work exactly, its been quite a while since I last had someone to edit my stories?
Oh...I could see Aria coming down after like three days or so, just to eat in front of Sunset, and as she's doing so, her pendant suddenly starts to glow.
7636892 You know, that ain't a bad idea.
7639530 Fun Fact: I actually have fasted for three days before. Only once, and dang, it ain't an easy thing...by the third day, I was pretty much just lying in bed, trying to pass time by sleeping, and it's not even an easy thing to sleep, cause all that is on your mind by that time is food, and eating. You even feel nauseous.
Three days may not seem a long time, but actually try doing it, and it's heck.
7636798 Sorry, you did not reply back to me, do you need access to my account or info on the story? It has been some time since I had an editor, so I don't remember what info I would need to give for you to edit.
Update soon?..
7676258 I will be, I have just been busy at the moment, also I have been trying to find an editor. One person offered but has yet to get back to me.
7679358 If that person hasn't gotten back to you yet, I could try editing it. I think you need to put an "Unpublished view password" for the chapter in the "edit story" section, and then PM me the password so that I would be able to access it. (At least I think that's how it's done)
7690457 Sure, if you would be willing to, i will have to try to figure out how to do that though.
7690790 Ya, just click on the "edit" when you go into your story, and then it takes you to the page where you can change the description, title etc. And there's a "Unpublished view password" underneath the long description box.
7690816 Ok I sent you the password.
Dude where's the next chapter this is so interesting
Hey! Please update this soon!
Better than what? Betraying your homeless friend.
Can you PLEASE finish this. I begg you.
can you please continue this amazing story
Oh come on, one great story that not will have more